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✝️ #4 - The Lazarus Plot
🙈 #8 -See No Evil
🔫 #20 - Witness to Murder
🛥️ #29 - Thick as Thieves
gellaho
Somehow one of these also has a secret set of Hardy Boys. I don't know how that keeps happening
Gentleman Brendan
I must admit I am tempted by the idea of a see no evil/witness to murder double header, but nobody has 9 hours.
gellaho
The people have spoken, and we will be reading one of the earliest Casefiles mysteries. This one, involving cloning and Joe's exploded ex-girlfriend. We are finally delving into the world of Hardy Boys dopplegangers. This Friday, watch out for scientist out in the wilds of Maine, it's The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #4: The Lazarus Plot. This Friday, 5pm eastern, murder is the newest branch of science.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway If you don't want to be accidentally face to face with your own clone, please pin this
FancyShark
Cemetery Dwarf origin story? 🤞
gellaho
Frank with his cromagnon fivehead
FancyShark
Joe with his magnificently blown-dry hair
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh god is her name iola
gellaho
Joe's exploded girlfriend? Apparently
A bunch of iotas of Iola
gellaho
Thanks, I'll put your clone back in the vat
FancyShark
It's funny. We probably could have harnessed the cloning technology to grow him a new, healthy body instead of these replicants that mimic his exact physical condition
Dolphin cop Thrillho
I tried to get a book about gene splicing in order to make a healthy clone, but the book turned out to be a biography of a guy called Gene Splicing
FancyShark
He makes most of his money that way
gellaho
The vat is something the Science Ape built, I have no idea how it works
Greg
Voting is over, but I vote for "Thick as Thieves" because the tagline "Too many crooks always ruin the neighborhood" is so good
gellaho
That one also had a wacky plot, but will have to wait
Something something master cat burglar
Gentleman Brendan
The nice thing about Hardy parties is there's enough for a lifetime and they're all coming our way.
gellaho
I think Thick as Thieves might literally have a fake Catwoman
gellaho
One hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #4: The Lazarus Plot. Here is your preview
FancyShark
Remember DOB's words: You meet your clone, your options are Fight or Fuck
gellaho
All aboard the SS Dix
FancyShark
I tried that line. It did not work.
gellaho
This is among the weirdest ways to describe fishing
FancyShark
They kidnapped a fish from the water
gellaho
Cult of Crime sounds like a doozy
FancyShark
"Despite the boys' insistence that they were fine sharing one"
gellaho
Whoa there, big spender
FancyShark
Joe was happy to polish that car's wood
gellaho
I used to joke about my brother being a poonhound, then his girlfriend exploded
FancyShark
Frank was always joking about human trafficking
gellaho
Joe's mental breakdown is so irritating
FancyShark
"I see my girlfriend in every fish, Frank"
gellaho
Frank is very sensitive
FancyShark
"Here. See? I scraped some of her face off my shoe just this morning."
gellaho
"Come on Joe, she died horrifically. Remember?"
FancyShark
"Weird that they put that in the report"
gellaho
This book isn't fucking around, just getting to it immediately
FancyShark
"It was so erotic"
gellaho
Joe's spider sense is tingling
FancyShark
She came from Canada, obviously
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nothing so far can't be explained by PTSD and head trauma.
gellaho
Their elaborate trap to clone a girl and shoot wildly
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Shit, it's dick cheney.
gellaho
They crawl away and Joe enters The Rage
FancyShark
JOE SMASH
gellaho
"But, Frank, are you sure that the shooters aren't also huge bird dorks?"
FancyShark
"Hold your fire. I hear a whippoorwill"
gellaho
I'm assuming this means sprinting and screaming through the forest
FancyShark
Anal glands already needing to be expressed
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
one of the shooters had a laser sight and managed to distract Joe for a while.
gellaho
Make sure you do your Tai chi before engaging your enemies
FancyShark
Frank's rebooting
gellaho
The Hardy Boys are easily intimidated by catalog clothing
FancyShark
LL Bean would tap into a new market if they armed their models
gellaho
Frank chose cowardice and deception
gellaho
Kim Sung would have loved the blueberries
gellaho
This ghost writer loves short paragraphs
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Like a cat, Joe scrambled up a tree and had to be rescued by the fire department.
FancyShark
Joe often compared falling bodies to squirrels
gellaho
The Hardy Boys think in their own branding
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lol
That rules
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Turns out it was just a couple of guys from Montreal who got lost on a hunting trip.
FancyShark
They're dead now
gellaho
Joe Hardy had plenty of time to muse on his sporting accomplishments
FancyShark
Giving up: the sign of a hero
gellaho
There's the Hardy writing I know and love
gellaho
Frank was incapacitated on the ground, but don't worry about it
gellaho
Frank's computer brain required defragmenting
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Yeah, definitely french-canadians.
gellaho
Very explicitly so
gellaho
You know how people talk
The Hardy Boys do resemble deer
FancyShark
The Hardy's fear of the color orange almost proves their undoing
gellaho
Bold strategy, Quebecois
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
To be more authentic mais non should have been tabernac.
FancyShark
Last time he hesitated, the deer had a knife
gellaho
OK, OK, so we shoot people all of the time
FancyShark
Henri thinks everyone's a deer
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Jacques is starting to get disturbed about Henri's constant suggestions that they hunt more dangerous game.
gellaho
She had dark hair, most uncommon in a human female
gellaho
All those deer with pixie haircuts
FancyShark
"Not once I ran out of bullets"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I used them all on that forest ranger we buried yesterday."
gellaho
Only one person has ever worn blue, Frank
FancyShark
Every woman that bought that color of sweater has been harassed by Joe
The catalog discontinued it for that reason
gellaho
The Hardys find a building and must therefore break in
FancyShark
BZZZZRRRZZZZTTTT
"Damn, she must have been taken by Zeus"
"Joe, the sign is right there"
gellaho
The logical choice is to dig under a fence of a completely unknown building
FancyShark
"Help me Great Escape my girlfriend's clone, brother"
gellaho
Get the 80ft shovels, Joe
FancyShark
This is the longest they've ever gone without snacking
gellaho
While buying the shovels, they encounter the stereotypical store owner
FancyShark
"You boys must not be from these parts."
"We don't get many visitors here."
"Only road is the one back that'a way. Goes out of town. Best be on it."
gellaho
Good thing we spent time on the shovels
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Doctor Lazarus couldn't be any more stereotypically "mad scientist" than any other band
Name
FancyShark
I thought electric fences didn't spark from water. Don't they need something grounded to touch-BZZZZZZZRRRRRZZZZTTTT
gellaho
Victorian Mansion in the forest, as you do
FancyShark
Lazarus Clinic would eventually rebrand as Umbrella Inc
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That line could have used some workshopping.
gellaho
Welcome to the Mansion Generico
FancyShark
"Halt --- lest I smite you for your trespassing ways!"
gellaho
"We only buy doubly eccentric buildings"
FancyShark
"Please wait for one of our friendly mercenaries to greet you"
Eccentrics get great prices
gellaho
"We knew about your Maine vacation"
FancyShark
"We knew your trauma would render you too stupid to leave after being attacked by French-Canadians!"
gellaho
Best and brightest for this mission
FancyShark
Surprise party's not going well
gellaho
Iola Frankenstein
FancyShark
GASP
Her eyes always were blank. It was what Joe loved about her.
gellaho
You're telling me Joe wasn't captivated by the "middle-aged Oriental?"
FancyShark
Nazi, Stereotype, Nerd, and Huge Nazi
gellaho
Surprising Joe's plan of staring at Iola didn't work
FancyShark
"The doctor says you can have a lollipop for being so brave"
gellaho
Anything but my thumbs!
FancyShark
Will they ever thumb wrestle again?!
gellaho
ASSASSINS
FancyShark
YEEEESSSSSS
gellaho
Joe wondered why Frank didn't just marry the Network
FancyShark
Don't think Frank hasn't tried
gellaho
Frank's dogged sense of duty to the Network, a character trait that will be surely kept throughout the series
FancyShark
It's his defining feature
Gentleman Brendan
Mister Shark: SitRep!
Sorry I'm late. I was making four-foot ramen noodles.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I wonder if they had imagined this series being all assassins and clones until Dixon got bored of it.
FancyShark
Yessir. French-Canadians shot at the Hardys, thinking they were deer.
gellaho
If we had that modem, we would be easily able to contact them in this featureless white room
FancyShark
Then Joe dragged Frank to a spooky mansion in the woods that was owned by two sets of lunatics until it was bought by The Assassins!
Joe's dead girlfriend Iola is discovered...alive?...on a slab surrounded by scary/offensive men in lab coats
Then Joe was drugged
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Now they have to figure out how to escape and log on to the Network's BBS.
gellaho
Later, they would just call the Gray Man's office phone
Gentleman Brendan
The car explosion GF?
FancyShark
The same!
Gentleman Brendan
There are actual clones?
FancyShark
Joe's being a total baby about seeing his girlfriend get turned into ash
There are presumably clones, but they haven't been identified as such yet
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's going to try to hack the mainframe like a baby with a gun.
You're only endangering yourself, Joe!
gellaho
There definitely were clones in Dead of Night
FancyShark
This must be the origin of computers' hatred of Joe
gellaho
Frank has become a real dick. Almost like he's...b someone else
FancyShark
Dead of Night was much later though. And they knew the Assassins could make clones then. Which made it more stupid they got tricked
"Frank? You don't normally have this much personality. It's unsettling."
gellaho
When attempting subterfuge, remember to be really pissy
FancyShark
Terminating interaction
You can tell the Assassins are masters of espionage
gellaho
Subterfuge over as quickly as it began
FancyShark
Joe gets his first real erection
gellaho
That's how normal mirrors work, Joe
Gentleman Brendan
"I do drugs now."
FancyShark
Joe's been staring at a picture of John Stamos and wondering why people don't comment on his looks
gellaho
Joe chooses violence over brain
FancyShark
It means there was a moment when Frank and Evil Frank were nude at the same time, Joe
Who wants to bet they tried cloning Chet but didn't have a large enough cloning vat?
gellaho
I'm not sure that's how cloning would work, but OK
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
All the Chet clones died from pizza withdrawl.
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha, Joe lacks the self-awareness of dolphins and horses.
FancyShark
Joe's only hope is to look less exhausted so the goons take the clone
Gentleman Brendan
My dog is constantly trying to fight Mirror Dog. Joe has the exact same reaction.
gellaho
Nazi doctor, sure. It's crucial to have Nazis in your children's book
FancyShark
Just ask Peter David
Gentleman Brendan
This strongly implies the Hardys are surrounded by fugitive Nazis with plastic surgery disguises.
gellaho
They had to transplant the thumb prints?
Gentleman Brendan
what kind of sci-fi is this?
SunFisch Malone
So like they can clone everything except their fingerprints?
Gentleman Brendan
He skinned the Hardys alive?
FancyShark
This was all to steal their thumbs
This means there is a vault that only the Hardys can open, or some crime they want to frame them for
gellaho
Kids love this
FancyShark
China, always teaming up with nazis
SunFisch Malone
Is this a Manchurian Candidate reference?
FancyShark
"What should we name the Chinese villain?"
"China?"
"Eh, knock a letter off"
gellaho
"They cut my electronics funding, so Nazi science was my only fallback"
FancyShark
That tracks. Companies never bring over electricians
SunFisch Malone
Mad about your job being eliminated? Consider…nazi schemes
gellaho
This is an elaborate plan to do... Something
FancyShark
"They have a PS5!"
gellaho
You need at least one evil dweeb
Gentleman Brendan
Ah yes, famous Axis collaborator, China.
Gentleman Brendan
There are so many actual crimes they could just film.
gellaho
There's gotta be a better way to go about this
FancyShark
"Now kiss"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
So not clones, technically.
FancyShark
Yeah, they're shitty clones
SunFisch Malone
Finally, the fingerprints make sense! It all makes sense!
FancyShark
They get actors to undergo surgery and training to imitate the target
gellaho
Gotta get Stalin and labor camps in the children's book too
FancyShark
Stalin, famous for teaming up with nazis
gellaho
Once
Gentleman Brendan
Have we time to mourn these anonymous young men who have been subject to the most grievous psychological torture imaginable?
FancyShark
Nah. They're actors. They're just happy to have a paycheck
Gentleman Brendan
Actual Jaws shows up.
They got Smithed!
gellaho
Karate the pain away, Frank
Gentleman Brendan
What if Zangief, but Richard Kiel?
FancyShark
This would become my favorite book
gellaho
Joe wondered why pitchers were always beaning him
Gentleman Brendan
Frank's karate master, training him to fulfill his destiny as the Cape Fear psycho.
FancyShark
Hear that, amputees? Just stop being afraid
Gentleman Brendan
Not on a DNA level but they have all of the Hardys' looks and evil.
gellaho
Joe's still struggling with the double thing
FancyShark
"He's totally serious"
Gentleman Brendan
I cannot fathom the labor and cost to turn two human beings into someone else's doppelgangers, and this guy burned a year of his life doing it to college freshmen.
FancyShark
"CONVINCE MORE!"
Gentleman Brendan
He could have made his own Marilyn Monroe!
gellaho
"Nooo, she just got those pierced!"
FancyShark
These idiots did what Jimmy Stewart dreamed of doing in Vertigo
gellaho
famously full of nerves the earlobes are
I'm sitting here twisting my own, and I am in so much pain
FancyShark
"Now we will lick a finger and stick it in her ear"
Gentleman Brendan
It's gonna be something when Joe dates his dead ex's clone.
SunFisch Malone
People definitely never do worse to their own ears for decorative purposes.
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Joe
FancyShark
He's going to try to convince her the old Iola let him do all sorts of stuff
Gentleman Brendan
The author knows Joe is dumb and violent.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe is pretty slow to grasp the concept of a doppelganger.
FancyShark
Joe really can't handle that other people wear the same clothes
Gentleman Brendan
"But DUHHHH her clothes and voice DURRRR"
gellaho
"I mean, we definitely told you that the nerd specialized in downloading and uploading memories, but thank you for forgetting that"
FancyShark
"New Iola, I assume you have the maid outfit Dead Iola always wore?"
Gentleman Brendan
"Think back, Joe," said Frank, who was not stupid, "Remember when the scientist showed us how he replicates someone?"
FancyShark
"But...clothes...", Joe replied
gellaho
Joe's in for a rough landing
Gentleman Brendan
This is a crazy complicated scheme just to find out what's wrong with Joe's wang.
FancyShark
Joe wins the Tempting Fate trophy
gellaho
Certainly need to do all this work to get a phone number
FancyShark
"Great job on that, by the way. He had a family."
Gentleman Brendan
"But how will you contact this...Network?" asked Iola, who was definitely not a clone, with a quizzical look. "It must be impossible!"
gellaho
Gotta get the secret snack chat
Gentleman Brendan
"Joe and I have a secret walkie-talkie and the codeword," said Frank, reassuring Joe's definitely real girlfriend.
"It's NIPPLETWISTERS."
"FOOLS!" Cackled Not-Iola, pulling off her blonde wig.
Joe is about to be outsmarted by a Nazi scientist who stole his dead girl's diary.
gellaho
Don't give out the Gray Man's email address, they'll send him spam Joe!
FancyShark
Joe manages to avoid asking about when Iola farted in the car right after he closed the windows
Russian ham is the most deadly ham
gellaho
"And what is this mo-dem you speak of?"
FancyShark
Fucking 2FA didn't take Joe into consideration
gellaho
Great job figuring that out, Joe
FancyShark
So they're not killing them
gellaho
It's those damnable Canadians, I knew it!
FancyShark
I TOLD YOU HE THINKS EVERYONE'S A DEER!
gellaho
Our first plan is Canadian murder, backup is spooky house
FancyShark
You could still shoot them
Don't have to explain it
Just shoot them
gellaho
This speaks to a much different world than the other books portray
gellaho
The Hardys going to space camp, knowing there are a bunch of shadow people running around
FancyShark
The Hardys bothering with a sports drink death when there are literal terrorists out for their blood
gellaho
Giving them shovels couldn't possibly backfire
gellaho
Or they just dig the holes anyway, whatever
Gentleman Brendan
Jacques just can't let the implication lie.
FancyShark
The author really wants the kids to understand the whole death threat
gellaho
Could have skipped the dirt, boys
FancyShark
Dirt: It's like acid to a Quebec resident
gellaho
That can't be Frank, it must be another clone!
Gentleman Brendan
This is why I don't get close to the men I make dig their own graves.
FancyShark
Wait, they smashed the shovels on their skulls? Did they just kill them?
Gentleman Brendan
It's Chet!
Gentleman Brendan
It was blunt, not edged.
gellaho
Hardys getting into the terrorist game
FancyShark
Any chance to see Henri's sweet Taz tattoo
Gentleman Brendan
So, Herr Doktor Evilteufel...it seems the cloned boys have become themselves the doppelgangers...IRONIC, no?
gellaho
Joe's poor old station wagon
Gentleman Brendan
at that moment, Joe became a van guy.
FancyShark
A new paint job on the wood paneling, Joe?
gellaho
"We haven't eaten in days, but sure"
Gentleman Brendan
Because of all those identity checks credit cards require when you use them.
I dunno, back in the '80s they probably did.
FancyShark
Rent a car with cash?
Gentleman Brendan
They actually expected clerks to compare signatures.
Ah wait, it's a car rental? Well now that makes sense.
gellaho
Good thing the rural general store offers car rentals
Gentleman Brendan
Might happen in a hunting town.
FancyShark
"This car was found on a deserted road. A severed hand still clutching the wheel. Some say it-"
"How much?"
"$35"
Gentleman Brendan
Get you something off-roady when you're up for the weekend to get a buck.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Storekeepers in his position know not to pry too much into other people's business
Gentleman Brendan
Three hours of walking, and you boys are modulating your temperature??
gellaho
This old Mainer has everything
FancyShark
"You boys ever heard of a casting couch?"
gellaho
Build that tension
Gentleman Brendan
They abandoned the Roadmaster on Chet's lawn. It was his problem now.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's regretting drinking all that gasoline.
gellaho
Good old Chet
FancyShark
WOO!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Good to see they nailed his characterization from the start.
gellaho
The joke is that he's fat
FancyShark
I'm still convinced Chet is solving everything and the Hardys rewrote all these stories to make themselves look good
gellaho
Chet really added a lot to the story
FancyShark
Chet responds to Joe's inquiry with a friendly "Finish picking all the bits of Iola out of your hair?"
I hope their dad likes the clones more
Gentleman Brendan
Chetsposition.
gellaho
HELL YEAH
Gentleman Brendan
That's a great double-header.
FancyShark
YESSS! Now this book's in the zone!
gellaho
Blessed by the rogue exploding computer
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's not a hardy boys book until Joe gets blown up by a computer.
Gentleman Brendan
We're dealing with some kind of bomb that charges up via electrical capacitor.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Too bad there's no other way to get a bleeding edge 2400 baud modem.
FancyShark
Sounds like a hair dryer. Or a beer can
gellaho
Graphite, literally the oldest trick in the book
FancyShark
It's 7864 9 Saint, dumbasses
Gentleman Brendan
"There's something else here...lighter, looks like it's from an older note," said Joe. " 'Memo...to self...hide evidence of blowing up Iola?' "
gellaho
Frank's special mystery pants are missing
Gentleman Brendan
"Shame it had to end this way," said Frank's voice behind him, suddenly icy.
Frank owns two pairs of pants.
Corduroys, and ironed jeans.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Go put on your gi, Frank.
FancyShark
Frank, you were fishing
Gentleman Brendan
I hope Frank has to sneak up on a Russian bear-man and his legs go ZOFF ZOFF ZOFF
gellaho
Hardys fly to Washington and arrive at their magical destination
FancyShark
It's the Pentagon
gellaho
The giant super of the dilapidated building
Gentleman Brendan
What was most noticeable was a slumlord super who actually does work.
FancyShark
"Fuck off. I'm making lemon bars for my prayer group."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
gellaho
Them boots was real shiny
FancyShark
Looks like a real slum
Gentleman Brendan
"W-w-we heard this Trader Joe's doesn't card on two-buck chuck!" stammered Frank.
The perfect disguise foiled by American discipline.
gellaho
They pay a street urchin to distract the super. Some brilliant security there
FancyShark
Of course. Why don't foreigners ever check for shoe polish when they suspect they're dealing with the CIA?
I'm so glad our national security can be thwarted by two dipshit teens
gellaho
Frank tries a bold gambit
FancyShark
Not really a good time for this, Joe
gellaho
This is the best way to stop someone from hitting a button
FancyShark
Sure. OfficeMax trains everyone to do that since the easy button
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Except the part about using the past tense, yes."
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys in...THE THING.
FancyShark
"We set ourselves on fire and whoever dies is the alien"
Gentleman Brendan
"That's not Frank."
"How can you tell?"
"Watching a human burn alive, and he barely even has an erection."
gellaho
Frank chooses enhanced interrogation
Gentleman Brendan
You think you scare me, punk? I had my arm twisted in 'NAM.
FancyShark
Frank's just waiting for the Gray Man to say the safe word
gellaho
Fucking what
FancyShark
Gray Man checks everyone's ID this way
Gentleman Brendan
"You're not Frank. Frank's technique NEVER uses teeth!"
gellaho
"I can't believe the pinky swear didn't work on you high schoolers"
FancyShark
"Torture? Well played, Assassins. I never thought of that."
Gentleman Brendan
These foreign devils, making two boys--two GOOD, AMERICAN boys--break their solemn WORD!
gellaho
"We keep the leader in deepest secrecy. So, obviously I told you high school students"
FancyShark
"I mean, why would they lie?"
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
"The real hardys died years ago. Lazarus just jumped the gun and made the doubles too early."
Gentleman Brendan
Is the Lazarus Group the assassins' cloning program?
FancyShark
I think so
gellaho
"We keep making this doppelganger thing pretty pointless, don't we"
FancyShark
They operate out of the Lazarus Clinic
Gentleman Brendan
"Stop them? But Frank--haven't you realized? You ARE the clones."
...did the Evil Hardys kill everyone in the Network?
gellaho
They are an affiliated evil group, they commission work for each other l.
Details the children surely enjoyed reading this
FancyShark
The doubles are talking the way Frank and Joe normally only talk when the lights are out
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
On the way out they run into a high school basketball team that wandered into the building and got lost.
FancyShark
A daycare center stops in for an impromptu field trip
gellaho
The doubles are the annoying brand of villain
FancyShark
Goons in need of a supervillain
Gentleman Brendan
Oh no, won't someone save the ultra rich who gang-hunt foxes.
gellaho
My ass, Joe knows Mount Vernon
FancyShark
No intelligence official would live in a remote compound likely brimming with automated defenses
Gentleman Brendan
"It looks like a slaveowner lives here," scoffed the Hardys.
gellaho
The Network seems kind of shitty
FancyShark
Still not hearing proof there aren't turrets
Gentleman Brendan
Can you imagine the head of the illuminati residing in a palatial estate that resembles the fruits of the worst atrocities?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What happened to the guy with the shiny boots?
FancyShark
Pah!
gellaho
Possibly the dumbest security system that ever existed
Gentleman Brendan
He's still chasing that street urchin down the cobblestones.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Chased him all the way from the slums to capitol hill, 500 yards away.
FancyShark
The United States' most secret organization uses the HONOR SYSTEM?!
gellaho
Guards could leak, but a butler, sure
FancyShark
This butler better be a fucking ninja
gellaho
It's a wo-wo-woman!?!?
gellaho
Egads
FancyShark
Gray's just her fuckboi
gellaho
That sounds just like Frank, it's no wonder people were confused
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Why are you with two sets of identical poors in badly fitting pants?"
FancyShark
Obviously, no one's going to try to attack a woman alone in a mansion with no security
gellaho
Frank 2 is stuck on the babe function
FancyShark
That gun is the Krull glaive
gellaho
Not quite
FancyShark
Dammit!
gellaho
That's exactly what we needed, a groaning old man
FancyShark
All four beat the butler to death
gellaho
Deadly karate chops
FancyShark
"I hope you like the vintage. It was bottled in the year FUCK YOU!"
gellaho
Brother swapping
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is a very chop-heavy book.
FancyShark
And now they finally can vent all the rage they feel towards each other
Until they realize the clones are dead and they have been kicking the crap out of each other
gellaho
"I need my clone girlfriend, Frank"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank continued weeping and punching Frank II, long after his face had stopped being recognizable.
Yeah, the network has been really good about precautions up until now.
FancyShark
I'm sure the Network will do nothing since it's two old people in a mansion and a moron that trusts teenagers with no safety protocols
gellaho
The two brothers think round 2 at the clinic will go better without help
FancyShark
A good story? That butler's still out. He's got blood pooling in his brain
gellaho
They don't have airports in Maine, or what
FancyShark
"You're not from around these parts, are- oh, it's you two again"
gellaho
The old shovel squeeze
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That storekeeper knows a shovel addict when he sees one.
FancyShark
We'd never get this kind of backtalk at Shovels, Shovels & Shovels
gellaho
They dig into the clinic, beat some dudes up and find Iola
You'll never guess what happens
FancyShark
Iola explodes?
gellaho
She was in on it!
FancyShark
GASP
gellaho
Who couldst have foreseen it
FancyShark
And Joe's to blame!
gellaho
Joe no understand
FancyShark
"Who ever heard of a woman using a gun?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait...could Iola be some kind of clone? This is completely unprecedented.
gellaho
It's the mummy!
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Iola's nysteel joints need oiling
All books exist in the same universe
gellaho
Joe can't believe that they are cloning people
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage sneaks in and steals the leader's face
gellaho
Joe is very dumb
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They've been dumping exposition on you for like half the book Joe. Try to keep up.
FancyShark
"We learned your dick game is very weak"
gellaho
I'm sure children enjoy this kind of existential horror
FancyShark
Method acting is the only acting
gellaho
I'm sure this will work
FancyShark
Fortunately, they have some spares on the way
gellaho
Oh, they're going to defeat brainwashing with the power of love
gellaho
I'm going to throw up
FancyShark
You DO remember? You shouldn't. You're not Iola.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"your breath smelt like sausage and onions"
gellaho
Ugh
FancyShark
"Remember all those explosions we saw"
gellaho
Blech
FancyShark
Bang
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
Iola II is a great name for a little 8-person day yacht.
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Computer Factory. Happens all the time.
FancyShark
They're not getting the deposit back on those shovels
gellaho
Leaders typically lurk in the forest with a gun
Gentleman Brendan
What is she, a Debutante Bot?
FancyShark
The big smile is because he doesn't have a face
gellaho
Joe keeps trying to feel the sweet embrace of death
Gentleman Brendan
There's always a This Moment.
gellaho
He also forgot about the guy whose face the leader stole
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is either the second or third time it's happened in this book.
gellaho
apprehension not included
FancyShark
Sacre bleu
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fortunately the French-Canadians had consumed too much Labatt 50 to pilot the helicopter, as anticipated.
gellaho
It is a strong move to complain about your treatment to the man whose face you stole
FancyShark
Now the Network loads all the criminals into vehicles and asks them to drive themselves to prison
Dude, your perfect plans centered around cloning two teenagers to infiltrate an unguarded house
gellaho
Welp, you have fun out there Sally
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Sally's parents have divorced, driven mad with worry and grief
gellaho
they're going to make Lazarus reverse brainwash her, somehow
And we end on Frank encouraging Joe's delusions
FancyShark
Frank knows this is cheaper than therapy
Gentleman Brendan
Hear me out. Maybe guards CAN be cleverly disguised if someone non-military chooses their footwear.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot
Gentleman Brendan
Sally is the most traumatized human being.
That's some Poughkeepsie Tapes shit.
FancyShark
We did it! Great job everyone!
Thank you again, @gellaho !
Gentleman Brendan
Big shouts out to @gellaho, keeper of the Book of Oa.
and our perennial one-liner MVP @FancyShark
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I can't believe we invoked the face off emoji react
Gentleman Brendan
@Shark Puke Fetishist GDC, who snipes carefully and never needs a second joke.
FancyShark
hahaha, aw shucks
And whose liver still trembles at the words "Simon Hawke fantasy"
Also shout out to @Gentleman Brendan for showing us how a pro does it
And @Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics for emoji art
gellaho
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
But wait
@John , dare we dive into the Hardy Boys TV show?
Also, where have you been? We haven't seen you in a long while
