gellaho
"We haven't eaten in days, but sure"
48: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot Franklin W. Dixon
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Murder is only skin deep.
Archive
Gentleman Brendan
Because of all those identity checks credit cards require when you use them.
I dunno, back in the '80s they probably did.
FancyShark
Rent a car with cash?
Gentleman Brendan
They actually expected clerks to compare signatures.
Ah wait, it's a car rental? Well now that makes sense.
gellaho
Good thing the rural general store offers car rentals
Gentleman Brendan
Might happen in a hunting town.
FancyShark
"This car was found on a deserted road. A severed hand still clutching the wheel. Some say it-"
"How much?"
"$35"
Gentleman Brendan
Get you something off-roady when you're up for the weekend to get a buck.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Storekeepers in his position know not to pry too much into other people's business
Gentleman Brendan
Three hours of walking, and you boys are modulating your temperature??
gellaho
This old Mainer has everything
FancyShark
"You boys ever heard of a casting couch?"
gellaho
Build that tension
Gentleman Brendan
They abandoned the Roadmaster on Chet's lawn. It was his problem now.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Joe's regretting drinking all that gasoline.
gellaho
Good old Chet
FancyShark
WOO!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Good to see they nailed his characterization from the start.
gellaho
The joke is that he's fat
FancyShark
I'm still convinced Chet is solving everything and the Hardys rewrote all these stories to make themselves look good
gellaho
Chet really added a lot to the story
FancyShark
Chet responds to Joe's inquiry with a friendly "Finish picking all the bits of Iola out of your hair?"
I hope their dad likes the clones more
Gentleman Brendan
Chetsposition.
gellaho
HELL YEAH
Gentleman Brendan
That's a great double-header.
FancyShark
YESSS! Now this book's in the zone!
gellaho
Blessed by the rogue exploding computer
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It's not a hardy boys book until Joe gets blown up by a computer.
Gentleman Brendan
We're dealing with some kind of bomb that charges up via electrical capacitor.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Too bad there's no other way to get a bleeding edge 2400 baud modem.
FancyShark
Sounds like a hair dryer. Or a beer can
gellaho
Graphite, literally the oldest trick in the book
FancyShark
It's 7864 9 Saint, dumbasses
Gentleman Brendan
"There's something else here...lighter, looks like it's from an older note," said Joe. " 'Memo...to self...hide evidence of blowing up Iola?' "
gellaho
Frank's special mystery pants are missing
Gentleman Brendan
"Shame it had to end this way," said Frank's voice behind him, suddenly icy.
Frank owns two pairs of pants.
Corduroys, and ironed jeans.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Go put on your gi, Frank.
FancyShark
Frank, you were fishing
Gentleman Brendan
I hope Frank has to sneak up on a Russian bear-man and his legs go ZOFF ZOFF ZOFF
gellaho
Hardys fly to Washington and arrive at their magical destination
FancyShark
It's the Pentagon
gellaho
The giant super of the dilapidated building
Gentleman Brendan
What was most noticeable was a slumlord super who actually does work.
FancyShark
"Fuck off. I'm making lemon bars for my prayer group."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
gellaho
Them boots was real shiny
FancyShark
Looks like a real slum
Gentleman Brendan
"W-w-we heard this Trader Joe's doesn't card on two-buck chuck!" stammered Frank.
The perfect disguise foiled by American discipline.
gellaho
They pay a street urchin to distract the super. Some brilliant security there
FancyShark
Of course. Why don't foreigners ever check for shoe polish when they suspect they're dealing with the CIA?
I'm so glad our national security can be thwarted by two dipshit teens
gellaho
Frank tries a bold gambit
FancyShark
Not really a good time for this, Joe
gellaho
This is the best way to stop someone from hitting a button
FancyShark
Sure. OfficeMax trains everyone to do that since the easy button
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Except the part about using the past tense, yes."
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy Boys in...THE THING.
FancyShark
"We set ourselves on fire and whoever dies is the alien"
Gentleman Brendan
"That's not Frank."
"How can you tell?"
"Watching a human burn alive, and he barely even has an erection."
gellaho
Frank chooses enhanced interrogation
Gentleman Brendan
You think you scare me, punk? I had my arm twisted in 'NAM.
FancyShark
Frank's just waiting for the Gray Man to say the safe word
gellaho
Fucking what
FancyShark
Gray Man checks everyone's ID this way
Gentleman Brendan
"You're not Frank. Frank's technique NEVER uses teeth!"
gellaho
"I can't believe the pinky swear didn't work on you high schoolers"
FancyShark
"Torture? Well played, Assassins. I never thought of that."
Gentleman Brendan
These foreign devils, making two boys--two GOOD, AMERICAN boys--break their solemn WORD!
gellaho
"We keep the leader in deepest secrecy. So, obviously I told you high school students"
FancyShark
"I mean, why would they lie?"
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
"The real hardys died years ago. Lazarus just jumped the gun and made the doubles too early."
Gentleman Brendan
Is the Lazarus Group the assassins' cloning program?
FancyShark
I think so
gellaho
"We keep making this doppelganger thing pretty pointless, don't we"
FancyShark
They operate out of the Lazarus Clinic
Gentleman Brendan
"Stop them? But Frank--haven't you realized? You ARE the clones."
...did the Evil Hardys kill everyone in the Network?
gellaho
They are an affiliated evil group, they commission work for each other l.
Details the children surely enjoyed reading this
FancyShark
The doubles are talking the way Frank and Joe normally only talk when the lights are out
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
On the way out they run into a high school basketball team that wandered into the building and got lost.
FancyShark
A daycare center stops in for an impromptu field trip
gellaho
The doubles are the annoying brand of villain
FancyShark
Goons in need of a supervillain
Gentleman Brendan
Oh no, won't someone save the ultra rich who gang-hunt foxes.
gellaho
My ass, Joe knows Mount Vernon
FancyShark
No intelligence official would live in a remote compound likely brimming with automated defenses
Gentleman Brendan
"It looks like a slaveowner lives here," scoffed the Hardys.
gellaho
The Network seems kind of shitty
FancyShark
Still not hearing proof there aren't turrets
Gentleman Brendan
Can you imagine the head of the illuminati residing in a palatial estate that resembles the fruits of the worst atrocities?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
What happened to the guy with the shiny boots?
FancyShark
Pah!
gellaho
Possibly the dumbest security system that ever existed
Gentleman Brendan
He's still chasing that street urchin down the cobblestones.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Chased him all the way from the slums to capitol hill, 500 yards away.
FancyShark
The United States' most secret organization uses the HONOR SYSTEM?!
gellaho
Guards could leak, but a butler, sure
FancyShark
This butler better be a fucking ninja
gellaho
It's a wo-wo-woman!?!?
gellaho
Egads
FancyShark
Gray's just her fuckboi
gellaho
That sounds just like Frank, it's no wonder people were confused
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Why are you with two sets of identical poors in badly fitting pants?"
FancyShark
Obviously, no one's going to try to attack a woman alone in a mansion with no security
gellaho
Frank 2 is stuck on the babe function
FancyShark
That gun is the Krull glaive
gellaho
Not quite
FancyShark
Dammit!
gellaho
That's exactly what we needed, a groaning old man
FancyShark
All four beat the butler to death
gellaho
Deadly karate chops
FancyShark
"I hope you like the vintage. It was bottled in the year FUCK YOU!"
gellaho
Brother swapping
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is a very chop-heavy book.
FancyShark
And now they finally can vent all the rage they feel towards each other
Until they realize the clones are dead and they have been kicking the crap out of each other
gellaho
"I need my clone girlfriend, Frank"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank continued weeping and punching Frank II, long after his face had stopped being recognizable.
Yeah, the network has been really good about precautions up until now.
FancyShark
I'm sure the Network will do nothing since it's two old people in a mansion and a moron that trusts teenagers with no safety protocols
gellaho
The two brothers think round 2 at the clinic will go better without help
FancyShark
A good story? That butler's still out. He's got blood pooling in his brain
gellaho
They don't have airports in Maine, or what
FancyShark
"You're not from around these parts, are- oh, it's you two again"
gellaho
The old shovel squeeze
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That storekeeper knows a shovel addict when he sees one.
FancyShark
We'd never get this kind of backtalk at Shovels, Shovels & Shovels
gellaho
They dig into the clinic, beat some dudes up and find Iola
You'll never guess what happens
FancyShark
Iola explodes?
gellaho
She was in on it!
FancyShark
GASP
gellaho
Who couldst have foreseen it
FancyShark
And Joe's to blame!
gellaho
Joe no understand
FancyShark
"Who ever heard of a woman using a gun?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Wait...could Iola be some kind of clone? This is completely unprecedented.
gellaho
It's the mummy!
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
Iola's nysteel joints need oiling
All books exist in the same universe
gellaho
Joe can't believe that they are cloning people
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage sneaks in and steals the leader's face
gellaho
Joe is very dumb
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They've been dumping exposition on you for like half the book Joe. Try to keep up.
FancyShark
"We learned your dick game is very weak"
gellaho
I'm sure children enjoy this kind of existential horror
FancyShark
Method acting is the only acting
gellaho
I'm sure this will work
FancyShark
Fortunately, they have some spares on the way
gellaho
Oh, they're going to defeat brainwashing with the power of love
gellaho
I'm going to throw up
FancyShark
You DO remember? You shouldn't. You're not Iola.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"your breath smelt like sausage and onions"
gellaho
Ugh
FancyShark
"Remember all those explosions we saw"
gellaho
Blech
FancyShark
Bang
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
Iola II is a great name for a little 8-person day yacht.
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
Computer Factory. Happens all the time.
FancyShark
They're not getting the deposit back on those shovels
gellaho
Leaders typically lurk in the forest with a gun
Gentleman Brendan
What is she, a Debutante Bot?
FancyShark
The big smile is because he doesn't have a face
gellaho
Joe keeps trying to feel the sweet embrace of death
Gentleman Brendan
There's always a This Moment.
gellaho
He also forgot about the guy whose face the leader stole
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This is either the second or third time it's happened in this book.
gellaho
apprehension not included
FancyShark
Sacre bleu
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Fortunately the French-Canadians had consumed too much Labatt 50 to pilot the helicopter, as anticipated.
gellaho
It is a strong move to complain about your treatment to the man whose face you stole
FancyShark
Now the Network loads all the criminals into vehicles and asks them to drive themselves to prison
Dude, your perfect plans centered around cloning two teenagers to infiltrate an unguarded house
gellaho
Welp, you have fun out there Sally
FancyShark
Meanwhile, Sally's parents have divorced, driven mad with worry and grief
gellaho
they're going to make Lazarus reverse brainwash her, somehow
And we end on Frank encouraging Joe's delusions
FancyShark
Frank knows this is cheaper than therapy
Gentleman Brendan
Hear me out. Maybe guards CAN be cleverly disguised if someone non-military chooses their footwear.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot
Gentleman Brendan
Sally is the most traumatized human being.
That's some Poughkeepsie Tapes shit.
FancyShark
We did it! Great job everyone!
Thank you again, @gellaho !
Gentleman Brendan
Big shouts out to @gellaho, keeper of the Book of Oa.
and our perennial one-liner MVP @FancyShark
Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics
I can't believe we invoked the face off emoji react
Gentleman Brendan
@Shark Puke Fetishist GDC, who snipes carefully and never needs a second joke.
FancyShark
hahaha, aw shucks
And whose liver still trembles at the words "Simon Hawke fantasy"
Also shout out to @Gentleman Brendan for showing us how a pro does it
And @Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics for emoji art
gellaho
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
But wait
@John , dare we dive into the Hardy Boys TV show?
Also, where have you been? We haven't seen you in a long while
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Thanks everyone.