gellaho
"We haven't eaten in days, but sure"
"We haven't eaten in days, but sure"
Because of all those identity checks credit cards require when you use them.
I dunno, back in the '80s they probably did.
Rent a car with cash?
They actually expected clerks to compare signatures.
Ah wait, it's a car rental? Well now that makes sense.
Good thing the rural general store offers car rentals
Might happen in a hunting town.
"This car was found on a deserted road. A severed hand still clutching the wheel. Some say it-"
"How much?"
"$35"
Get you something off-roady when you're up for the weekend to get a buck.
Storekeepers in his position know not to pry too much into other people's business
Three hours of walking, and you boys are modulating your temperature??
This old Mainer has everything
"You boys ever heard of a casting couch?"
Build that tension
They abandoned the Roadmaster on Chet's lawn. It was his problem now.
Joe's regretting drinking all that gasoline.
Good old Chet
WOO!
Good to see they nailed his characterization from the start.
The joke is that he's fat
I'm still convinced Chet is solving everything and the Hardys rewrote all these stories to make themselves look good
Chet really added a lot to the story
Chet responds to Joe's inquiry with a friendly "Finish picking all the bits of Iola out of your hair?"
I hope their dad likes the clones more
Chetsposition.
HELL YEAH
That's a great double-header.
YESSS! Now this book's in the zone!
Blessed by the rogue exploding computer
It's not a hardy boys book until Joe gets blown up by a computer.
We're dealing with some kind of bomb that charges up via electrical capacitor.
Too bad there's no other way to get a bleeding edge 2400 baud modem.
Sounds like a hair dryer. Or a beer can
Graphite, literally the oldest trick in the book
It's 7864 9 Saint, dumbasses
"There's something else here...lighter, looks like it's from an older note," said Joe. " 'Memo...to self...hide evidence of blowing up Iola?' "
Frank's special mystery pants are missing
"Shame it had to end this way," said Frank's voice behind him, suddenly icy.
Frank owns two pairs of pants.
Corduroys, and ironed jeans.
Go put on your gi, Frank.
Frank, you were fishing
I hope Frank has to sneak up on a Russian bear-man and his legs go ZOFF ZOFF ZOFF
Hardys fly to Washington and arrive at their magical destination
It's the Pentagon
The giant super of the dilapidated building
What was most noticeable was a slumlord super who actually does work.
"Fuck off. I'm making lemon bars for my prayer group."
Them boots was real shiny
Looks like a real slum
"W-w-we heard this Trader Joe's doesn't card on two-buck chuck!" stammered Frank.
The perfect disguise foiled by American discipline.
They pay a street urchin to distract the super. Some brilliant security there
Of course. Why don't foreigners ever check for shoe polish when they suspect they're dealing with the CIA?
I'm so glad our national security can be thwarted by two dipshit teens
Frank tries a bold gambit
Not really a good time for this, Joe
This is the best way to stop someone from hitting a button
Sure. OfficeMax trains everyone to do that since the easy button
"Except the part about using the past tense, yes."
The Hardy Boys in...THE THING.
"We set ourselves on fire and whoever dies is the alien"
"That's not Frank."
"How can you tell?"
"Watching a human burn alive, and he barely even has an erection."
Frank chooses enhanced interrogation
You think you scare me, punk? I had my arm twisted in 'NAM.
Frank's just waiting for the Gray Man to say the safe word
Fucking what
Gray Man checks everyone's ID this way
"You're not Frank. Frank's technique NEVER uses teeth!"
"I can't believe the pinky swear didn't work on you high schoolers"
"Torture? Well played, Assassins. I never thought of that."
These foreign devils, making two boys--two GOOD, AMERICAN boys--break their solemn WORD!
"We keep the leader in deepest secrecy. So, obviously I told you high school students"
"I mean, why would they lie?"
"The real hardys died years ago. Lazarus just jumped the gun and made the doubles too early."
Is the Lazarus Group the assassins' cloning program?
I think so
"We keep making this doppelganger thing pretty pointless, don't we"
They operate out of the Lazarus Clinic
"Stop them? But Frank--haven't you realized? You ARE the clones."
...did the Evil Hardys kill everyone in the Network?
They are an affiliated evil group, they commission work for each other l.
Details the children surely enjoyed reading this
The doubles are talking the way Frank and Joe normally only talk when the lights are out
On the way out they run into a high school basketball team that wandered into the building and got lost.
A daycare center stops in for an impromptu field trip
The doubles are the annoying brand of villain
Goons in need of a supervillain
Oh no, won't someone save the ultra rich who gang-hunt foxes.
My ass, Joe knows Mount Vernon
No intelligence official would live in a remote compound likely brimming with automated defenses
"It looks like a slaveowner lives here," scoffed the Hardys.
The Network seems kind of shitty
Still not hearing proof there aren't turrets
Can you imagine the head of the illuminati residing in a palatial estate that resembles the fruits of the worst atrocities?
What happened to the guy with the shiny boots?
Pah!
Possibly the dumbest security system that ever existed
He's still chasing that street urchin down the cobblestones.
Chased him all the way from the slums to capitol hill, 500 yards away.
The United States' most secret organization uses the HONOR SYSTEM?!
Guards could leak, but a butler, sure
This butler better be a fucking ninja
It's a wo-wo-woman!?!?
Egads
Gray's just her fuckboi
That sounds just like Frank, it's no wonder people were confused
"Why are you with two sets of identical poors in badly fitting pants?"
Obviously, no one's going to try to attack a woman alone in a mansion with no security
Frank 2 is stuck on the babe function
That gun is the Krull glaive
Not quite
Dammit!
That's exactly what we needed, a groaning old man
All four beat the butler to death
Deadly karate chops
"I hope you like the vintage. It was bottled in the year FUCK YOU!"
Brother swapping
This is a very chop-heavy book.
And now they finally can vent all the rage they feel towards each other
Until they realize the clones are dead and they have been kicking the crap out of each other
"I need my clone girlfriend, Frank"
Frank continued weeping and punching Frank II, long after his face had stopped being recognizable.
Yeah, the network has been really good about precautions up until now.
I'm sure the Network will do nothing since it's two old people in a mansion and a moron that trusts teenagers with no safety protocols
The two brothers think round 2 at the clinic will go better without help
A good story? That butler's still out. He's got blood pooling in his brain
They don't have airports in Maine, or what
"You're not from around these parts, are- oh, it's you two again"
The old shovel squeeze
That storekeeper knows a shovel addict when he sees one.
We'd never get this kind of backtalk at Shovels, Shovels & Shovels
They dig into the clinic, beat some dudes up and find Iola
You'll never guess what happens
Iola explodes?
She was in on it!
GASP
Who couldst have foreseen it
And Joe's to blame!
Joe no understand
"Who ever heard of a woman using a gun?"
Wait...could Iola be some kind of clone? This is completely unprecedented.
It's the mummy!
Iola's nysteel joints need oiling
All books exist in the same universe
Joe can't believe that they are cloning people
Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage sneaks in and steals the leader's face
Joe is very dumb
They've been dumping exposition on you for like half the book Joe. Try to keep up.
"We learned your dick game is very weak"
I'm sure children enjoy this kind of existential horror
Method acting is the only acting
I'm sure this will work
Fortunately, they have some spares on the way
Oh, they're going to defeat brainwashing with the power of love
I'm going to throw up
You DO remember? You shouldn't. You're not Iola.
"your breath smelt like sausage and onions"
Ugh
"Remember all those explosions we saw"
Blech
Bang
DIDN'T I SAY
Iola II is a great name for a little 8-person day yacht.
Computer Factory. Happens all the time.
They're not getting the deposit back on those shovels
Leaders typically lurk in the forest with a gun
What is she, a Debutante Bot?
The big smile is because he doesn't have a face
Joe keeps trying to feel the sweet embrace of death
There's always a This Moment.
He also forgot about the guy whose face the leader stole
This is either the second or third time it's happened in this book.
apprehension not included
Sacre bleu
Fortunately the French-Canadians had consumed too much Labatt 50 to pilot the helicopter, as anticipated.
It is a strong move to complain about your treatment to the man whose face you stole
Now the Network loads all the criminals into vehicles and asks them to drive themselves to prison
Dude, your perfect plans centered around cloning two teenagers to infiltrate an unguarded house
Welp, you have fun out there Sally
Meanwhile, Sally's parents have divorced, driven mad with worry and grief
they're going to make Lazarus reverse brainwash her, somehow
And we end on Frank encouraging Joe's delusions
Frank knows this is cheaper than therapy
Hear me out. Maybe guards CAN be cleverly disguised if someone non-military chooses their footwear.
We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot
Sally is the most traumatized human being.
That's some Poughkeepsie Tapes shit.
We did it! Great job everyone!
Thank you again, @gellaho !
Big shouts out to @gellaho, keeper of the Book of Oa.
and our perennial one-liner MVP @FancyShark
I can't believe we invoked the face off emoji react
@Shark Puke Fetishist GDC, who snipes carefully and never needs a second joke.
hahaha, aw shucks
And whose liver still trembles at the words "Simon Hawke fantasy"
Also shout out to @Gentleman Brendan for showing us how a pro does it
And @Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics for emoji art
So concludes this edition of The Book Cage
But wait
@John , dare we dive into the Hardy Boys TV show?
Also, where have you been? We haven't seen you in a long while
Thanks everyone.