48: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot Franklin W. Dixon

#4 The Hardy Boys Casefiles

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Murder is only skin deep.

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gellaho

"We haven't eaten in days, but sure"

Gentleman Brendan

Because of all those identity checks credit cards require when you use them.

I dunno, back in the '80s they probably did.

FancyShark

Rent a car with cash?

Gentleman Brendan

They actually expected clerks to compare signatures.

Ah wait, it's a car rental? Well now that makes sense.

gellaho

Good thing the rural general store offers car rentals

Gentleman Brendan

Might happen in a hunting town.

FancyShark

"This car was found on a deserted road. A severed hand still clutching the wheel. Some say it-"

"How much?"

"$35"

Gentleman Brendan

Get you something off-roady when you're up for the weekend to get a buck.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Storekeepers in his position know not to pry too much into other people's business

Gentleman Brendan

Three hours of walking, and you boys are modulating your temperature??

gellaho

This old Mainer has everything

FancyShark

"You boys ever heard of a casting couch?"

gellaho

Build that tension

Gentleman Brendan

They abandoned the Roadmaster on Chet's lawn. It was his problem now.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Joe's regretting drinking all that gasoline.

gellaho

Good old Chet

FancyShark

WOO!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Good to see they nailed his characterization from the start.

gellaho

The joke is that he's fat

FancyShark

I'm still convinced Chet is solving everything and the Hardys rewrote all these stories to make themselves look good

gellaho

Chet really added a lot to the story

FancyShark

Chet responds to Joe's inquiry with a friendly "Finish picking all the bits of Iola out of your hair?"

I hope their dad likes the clones more

Gentleman Brendan

Chetsposition.

gellaho

HELL YEAH

Gentleman Brendan

That's a great double-header.

FancyShark

YESSS! Now this book's in the zone!

gellaho

Blessed by the rogue exploding computer

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

It's not a hardy boys book until Joe gets blown up by a computer.

Gentleman Brendan

We're dealing with some kind of bomb that charges up via electrical capacitor.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Too bad there's no other way to get a bleeding edge 2400 baud modem.

FancyShark

Sounds like a hair dryer. Or a beer can

gellaho

Graphite, literally the oldest trick in the book

FancyShark

It's 7864 9 Saint, dumbasses

Gentleman Brendan

"There's something else here...lighter, looks like it's from an older note," said Joe. " 'Memo...to self...hide evidence of blowing up Iola?' "

gellaho

Frank's special mystery pants are missing

Gentleman Brendan

"Shame it had to end this way," said Frank's voice behind him, suddenly icy.

Frank owns two pairs of pants.

Corduroys, and ironed jeans.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Go put on your gi, Frank.

FancyShark

Frank, you were fishing

Gentleman Brendan

I hope Frank has to sneak up on a Russian bear-man and his legs go ZOFF ZOFF ZOFF

gellaho

Hardys fly to Washington and arrive at their magical destination

FancyShark

It's the Pentagon

gellaho

The giant super of the dilapidated building

Gentleman Brendan

What was most noticeable was a slumlord super who actually does work.

FancyShark

"Fuck off. I'm making lemon bars for my prayer group."

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
gellaho

Them boots was real shiny

FancyShark

Looks like a real slum

Gentleman Brendan

"W-w-we heard this Trader Joe's doesn't card on two-buck chuck!" stammered Frank.

The perfect disguise foiled by American discipline.

gellaho

They pay a street urchin to distract the super. Some brilliant security there

FancyShark

Of course. Why don't foreigners ever check for shoe polish when they suspect they're dealing with the CIA?

I'm so glad our national security can be thwarted by two dipshit teens

gellaho

Frank tries a bold gambit

FancyShark

Not really a good time for this, Joe

gellaho

This is the best way to stop someone from hitting a button

FancyShark

Sure. OfficeMax trains everyone to do that since the easy button

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"Except the part about using the past tense, yes."

Gentleman Brendan

The Hardy Boys in...THE THING.

FancyShark

"We set ourselves on fire and whoever dies is the alien"

Gentleman Brendan

"That's not Frank."

"How can you tell?"

"Watching a human burn alive, and he barely even has an erection."

gellaho

Frank chooses enhanced interrogation

Gentleman Brendan

You think you scare me, punk? I had my arm twisted in 'NAM.

FancyShark

Frank's just waiting for the Gray Man to say the safe word

gellaho

Fucking what

FancyShark

Gray Man checks everyone's ID this way

Gentleman Brendan

"You're not Frank. Frank's technique NEVER uses teeth!"

gellaho

"I can't believe the pinky swear didn't work on you high schoolers"

FancyShark

"Torture? Well played, Assassins. I never thought of that."

Gentleman Brendan

These foreign devils, making two boys--two GOOD, AMERICAN boys--break their solemn WORD!

gellaho

"We keep the leader in deepest secrecy. So, obviously I told you high school students"

FancyShark

"I mean, why would they lie?"

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

"The real hardys died years ago. Lazarus just jumped the gun and made the doubles too early."

Gentleman Brendan

Is the Lazarus Group the assassins' cloning program?

FancyShark

I think so

gellaho

"We keep making this doppelganger thing pretty pointless, don't we"

FancyShark

They operate out of the Lazarus Clinic

Gentleman Brendan

"Stop them? But Frank--haven't you realized? You ARE the clones."

...did the Evil Hardys kill everyone in the Network?

gellaho

They are an affiliated evil group, they commission work for each other l.

Details the children surely enjoyed reading this

FancyShark

The doubles are talking the way Frank and Joe normally only talk when the lights are out

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

On the way out they run into a high school basketball team that wandered into the building and got lost.

FancyShark

A daycare center stops in for an impromptu field trip

gellaho

The doubles are the annoying brand of villain

FancyShark

Goons in need of a supervillain

Gentleman Brendan

Oh no, won't someone save the ultra rich who gang-hunt foxes.

gellaho

My ass, Joe knows Mount Vernon

FancyShark

No intelligence official would live in a remote compound likely brimming with automated defenses

Gentleman Brendan

"It looks like a slaveowner lives here," scoffed the Hardys.

gellaho

The Network seems kind of shitty

FancyShark

Still not hearing proof there aren't turrets

Gentleman Brendan

Can you imagine the head of the illuminati residing in a palatial estate that resembles the fruits of the worst atrocities?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

What happened to the guy with the shiny boots?

FancyShark

Pah!

gellaho

Possibly the dumbest security system that ever existed

Gentleman Brendan

He's still chasing that street urchin down the cobblestones.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Chased him all the way from the slums to capitol hill, 500 yards away.

FancyShark

The United States' most secret organization uses the HONOR SYSTEM?!

gellaho

Guards could leak, but a butler, sure

FancyShark

This butler better be a fucking ninja

gellaho

It's a wo-wo-woman!?!?

gellaho

Egads

FancyShark

Gray's just her fuckboi

gellaho

That sounds just like Frank, it's no wonder people were confused

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"Why are you with two sets of identical poors in badly fitting pants?"

FancyShark

Obviously, no one's going to try to attack a woman alone in a mansion with no security

gellaho

Frank 2 is stuck on the babe function

FancyShark

That gun is the Krull glaive

gellaho

Not quite

FancyShark

Dammit!

gellaho

That's exactly what we needed, a groaning old man

FancyShark

All four beat the butler to death

gellaho

Deadly karate chops

FancyShark

"I hope you like the vintage. It was bottled in the year FUCK YOU!"

gellaho

Brother swapping

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is a very chop-heavy book.

FancyShark

And now they finally can vent all the rage they feel towards each other

Until they realize the clones are dead and they have been kicking the crap out of each other

gellaho

"I need my clone girlfriend, Frank"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Frank continued weeping and punching Frank II, long after his face had stopped being recognizable.

Yeah, the network has been really good about precautions up until now.

FancyShark

I'm sure the Network will do nothing since it's two old people in a mansion and a moron that trusts teenagers with no safety protocols

gellaho

The two brothers think round 2 at the clinic will go better without help

FancyShark

A good story? That butler's still out. He's got blood pooling in his brain

gellaho

They don't have airports in Maine, or what

FancyShark

"You're not from around these parts, are- oh, it's you two again"

gellaho

The old shovel squeeze

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

That storekeeper knows a shovel addict when he sees one.

FancyShark

We'd never get this kind of backtalk at Shovels, Shovels & Shovels

gellaho

They dig into the clinic, beat some dudes up and find Iola

You'll never guess what happens

FancyShark

Iola explodes?

gellaho

She was in on it!

FancyShark

GASP

gellaho

Who couldst have foreseen it

FancyShark

And Joe's to blame!

gellaho

Joe no understand

FancyShark

"Who ever heard of a woman using a gun?"

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Wait...could Iola be some kind of clone? This is completely unprecedented.

gellaho

It's the mummy!

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

Iola's nysteel joints need oiling

All books exist in the same universe

gellaho

Joe can't believe that they are cloning people

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Nicholas Cage sneaks in and steals the leader's face

gellaho

Joe is very dumb

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

They've been dumping exposition on you for like half the book Joe. Try to keep up.

FancyShark

"We learned your dick game is very weak"

gellaho

I'm sure children enjoy this kind of existential horror

FancyShark

Method acting is the only acting

gellaho

I'm sure this will work

FancyShark

Fortunately, they have some spares on the way

gellaho

Oh, they're going to defeat brainwashing with the power of love

gellaho

I'm going to throw up

FancyShark

You DO remember? You shouldn't. You're not Iola.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"your breath smelt like sausage and onions"

gellaho

Ugh

FancyShark

"Remember all those explosions we saw"

gellaho

Blech

FancyShark

Bang

Gentleman Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

Iola II is a great name for a little 8-person day yacht.

gellaho
Gentleman Brendan

Computer Factory. Happens all the time.

FancyShark

They're not getting the deposit back on those shovels

gellaho

Leaders typically lurk in the forest with a gun

Gentleman Brendan

What is she, a Debutante Bot?

FancyShark

The big smile is because he doesn't have a face

gellaho

Joe keeps trying to feel the sweet embrace of death

Gentleman Brendan

There's always a This Moment.

gellaho

He also forgot about the guy whose face the leader stole

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

This is either the second or third time it's happened in this book.

gellaho

apprehension not included

FancyShark

Sacre bleu

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Fortunately the French-Canadians had consumed too much Labatt 50 to pilot the helicopter, as anticipated.

gellaho

It is a strong move to complain about your treatment to the man whose face you stole

FancyShark

Now the Network loads all the criminals into vehicles and asks them to drive themselves to prison

Dude, your perfect plans centered around cloning two teenagers to infiltrate an unguarded house

gellaho

Welp, you have fun out there Sally

FancyShark

Meanwhile, Sally's parents have divorced, driven mad with worry and grief

gellaho

they're going to make Lazarus reverse brainwash her, somehow

And we end on Frank encouraging Joe's delusions

FancyShark

Frank knows this is cheaper than therapy

Gentleman Brendan

Hear me out. Maybe guards CAN be cleverly disguised if someone non-military chooses their footwear.

gellaho

We have defeated The Hardy Boys Casefiles #4: The Lazarus Plot

Gentleman Brendan

Sally is the most traumatized human being.

That's some Poughkeepsie Tapes shit.

FancyShark

We did it! Great job everyone!

Thank you again, @gellaho !

Gentleman Brendan

Big shouts out to @gellaho, keeper of the Book of Oa.

and our perennial one-liner MVP @FancyShark

Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics

I can't believe we invoked the face off emoji react

Gentleman Brendan

@Shark Puke Fetishist GDC, who snipes carefully and never needs a second joke.

FancyShark

hahaha, aw shucks

And whose liver still trembles at the words "Simon Hawke fantasy"

Also shout out to @Gentleman Brendan for showing us how a pro does it

And @Ramb$ne Gracie with Pyrotechnics for emoji art

gellaho

So concludes this edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

But wait

@John , dare we dive into the Hardy Boys TV show?

Also, where have you been? We haven't seen you in a long while

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Thanks everyone.