When the competition gets hot - someone's bound to take a fall!
Archive
gellaho
It's finally time. Frank and Joe encounter dangerous volleyball during a soft drink event at the beach. Get your explosive-proof swimsuits ready, because this Friday, 5pm Eastern, we will be reading The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #58: Spiked!.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway There is an explosive volleyball heading directly for you! Your only chance is to pin this comment!
gellaho
That was close
Brockway
SPIKED! that shit
FancyShark
If the victim is actually murdered for the price of a soda, this may unseat cemetery-dwarf-and-clones as my favorite evil plot
gellaho
Also, check out the official Book Cage game at http://bookcage.quest/
Brockway
I got 100%!!!
... out of two guesses
gellaho
Good job, champ
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I assume we can look forward to some uncomfortable descriptions of shirtless teenage boys.
That volleyball must have had a computer in it.
Gentleman Brendan
I am so here
I fucking DARE someone in my family to die and see if I don't attend the Hardy Party Hearty anyway.
Also my previous statement was supposed to be in reply to @gellaho's teaser
gellaho
Coming up on the hour, It's The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #58: Spiked!. Here is the explosive preview
FancyShark
Damn. Chris has/had an arm on her.
Gentleman Brendan
YES YES YES
Nobody noticed the ball is heavier or off-balance
Gentleman Brendan
Not anymore she doesn't.
FancyShark
Heyooo!
Gentleman Brendan
Ah 'twas a copy of your joke, but less.
So are we five days without word from Tommy? Is he alive?
FancyShark
So far, yeah. Haven't seen a trace
I'm hoping he's at least getting some rest
gellaho
SPIKED!
gellaho
SPIKED!
FancyShark
🏐 💥
gellaho
SPIIIIIIIKKKKEEDD!
gellaho
Yes, they did devote a second title page to SPIKED!
FancyShark
Oh man. What if it's just one of those old-timey bombs painted to look like a volleyball?
FancyShark
They know art when they see it
Gentleman Brendan
Impossible. By law, it would say BOMB on the side.
gellaho
I wonder if these two dorks are vacationing in California because of this soft drink promotion
Gentleman Brendan
My body is ready for this.
gellaho
Frank looked so sweet in his bicycle cap
gellaho
FancyShark
Fanny pack or the deal's off
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is a killer doll, confirmed
gellaho
I assume by "sweet talked" they mean "berated"
gellaho
And why do they need press passes?
FancyShark
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
[repeat]
John
You know how everyone can negotiate a press pass from a hotel night clerk? It's how I went to the Super Bowl this year.
Gentleman Brendan
HALF AN HOUR
gellaho
Joe, the 17 year old, can't handle anything too sweet
Gentleman Brendan
Sir, the volleyball tourney tickets in the open sun are reserved for VIPs
gellaho
The soft drink promotional volleyball tournament
And event designed to get people to look at it
Gentleman Brendan
What a natural way of speaking.
FancyShark
A chaw-chewing yokel spots his spit cup and retrieves it from Joe's hand
gellaho
"What is this volleyed-ball of which you speak?"
Gentleman Brendan
Joe lives and dies by the thrill of the volley.
FancyShark
Joe, how did you make it to sixteen and not hear of volleyball?
Did your gym teacher only show drug PSAs?
gellaho
I'm sure the 17 year old is very interested in men's beach volleyball
Gentleman Brendan
I bet you can't even make that today.
gellaho
Frank takes in the muscly men
Chili Con Cookie Javo
hey @gellaho did you hear the good news yet
FancyShark
Scooter was desperate to find an outlet for the rage over his name
gellaho
I'm too busy to care
FancyShark
What about their lats?
Chili Con Cookie Javo
I figured, just letting you know once you get back to untubed, we have a present waiting
Gentleman Brendan
Is Brad a surfer or a weightlifter?
gellaho
Just look at those men
Gentleman Brendan
Those are completely different builds.
FancyShark
Osteen: Ginger Viking
Gentleman Brendan
Imagine if he looks exactly like his cousin Joel but pumped.
Swole Osteen.
FancyShark
The marketing team really went all-out with that Hi-Kick name
gellaho
Wow, $75,000 for the pinnacle of your sport. So glamorous
FancyShark
"Almost as much as one of those computer nerds who died in Chicago!"
gellaho
I got some SuperJuice for you
FancyShark
"But what flavor is it?"
"Super"
gellaho
Frank is put off by the rudeness of these sport enthusiasts
FancyShark
Dynamite ball. Get it.
GET IT
gellaho
Frank isn't amused by the dink
Gentleman Brendan
Now now, in 1990, that will buy you all the teal windbreakers you'll ever need.
FancyShark
If someone yells "Fantastic dink!" in public, I do not think about volleyball
Gentleman Brendan
The foreshadowing here is unreal.
Frank dislikes volleyball because only inanimate objects are punched.
gellaho
Now Frank is captivated by the soft dink
gellaho
Btw, if you have a book about "soft drinks" and put in the phrase "soft dink"
Gentleman Brendan
Everyone in the stands was beef jerky by day's end.
gellaho
I kept trying to figure out why the soft drink shots were out of reach. And why he'd find that captivating
FancyShark
This sounds like one of my personal hells: Sitting and watching a sport that doesn't end while getting cooked by the sun
Dangit, scooped
You increase the appeal of the new drink by making everyone so dehydrated they'd drink ballsweat
It's how they created Bud American Ale
gellaho
The kids'll love this
FancyShark
"FINISH HIM!"
The crowd is whipped into a frenzy by the soft dinks
gellaho
What a fun children's mystery
FancyShark
"Joe, take your hand out of your pants."
gellaho
"What, I'm not allowed to let a guy die during my event?"
FancyShark
Another sweaty, short business man
Gentleman Brendan
Osteen the teen
FancyShark
"Get the sun's lawyer on the phone."
Gentleman Brendan
"Why did I drink so much delicious Hi-Kick soda before that high-stakes volleyball match?"
FancyShark
"No! Shut him up! No one listen to him!"
The small man beats his tiny fists against Osteen, desperate to silence him.
Gentleman Brendan
"Mr. Osteen was quite naturally enjoying the energizing powers of Hi-Kick cola. Unfortunately, such potent sports relief can easily be too much, and he super-energized his system without a release. A football, basketball, or rugby player would have, in similar circumstances, played the best game of his life."
gellaho
This is a first, somebody has actually heard about the extremely famous teens
gellaho
Dick Prindle
FancyShark
Continuity!
...
Dick Prindle
I...
I'm paralyzed by options
Gentleman Brendan
Prick Dwindle!
Chili Con Cookie Javo
Ol Frosty Dick Prindle
gellaho
You know what this soft drink event needs, a diabetic
FancyShark
Dick knows his strokes, and this one feels lucky
Gentleman Brendan
I had, no lie, a professor in Ireland with a stutter.
Her name was Catriona Clutterbuck.
She was a wonderful teacher.
But my God, can you imagine what her early life was like? Having a stutter with a name like that among CHILDREN IN THE '80s?
gellaho
It's Detective Irish McGee
FancyShark
Having a diabetic at your soda promotion is like having a hemophiliac at a boxing match
Gentleman Brendan
"Scooter, I'll get right to it. How the hell do you play a whole match in the sun without getting burned? Sweet mother McCree..."
gellaho
I guess you needed to replenish the supply of redheads
Gentleman Brendan
Prindle's definitely hosting a 96-hour marathon about how Jewish lizards use satellites to control the nanites in vaccinated blood these days.
FancyShark
He's off to that big, diabetic soda event in the sky
Gentleman Brendan
The Big Rock Insulin Mountain
"Well, looks like I'm down one partner," said Scooter glumly. "How about you, Joe? Want to help me win this thing"
gellaho
Frank remembers when he was Doogie Howser
gellaho
FancyShark
Most Deaths in a Week
Still the record
Gentleman Brendan
I love how everything in this book needs to be qualified by prior experience and can't just be something the characters know.
Or a witness attests.
"Remember that week we spent lariating sheep with basque shepherds in South Dakota? They taught us the intricate varieties of merino-grade wool."
gellaho
"I can't believe they canceled the tournament because of that twitchy guy, what a rip off."
Gentleman Brendan
Do they ever get paid?
EVER?
FancyShark
"We lost eight last year and they kept the games going!"
Gentleman Brendan
God, if I saw these two approaching, I would run so fast.
More like Joe & Frank Harbingery
FancyShark
"Lotta dead bodies wherever you boys turn up," the detective said over their file.
"Some would say that's peculiar."
gellaho
"We can't handle caffeine, sir"
Gentleman Brendan
This book is making me want to go to Wendy's
FancyShark
Prindle: A living, breathing heart attack
Gentleman Brendan
Fuck your McFlurry, the Frosty is second only to the Blizzard.
Is it ice cream or milkshake? The perfect median.
FancyShark
McFlurry needs a working machine to compete
Gentleman Brendan
Tell me those have been in the trunk of Prindle's car all day.
Tell me he's an itinerant sodamonger.
FancyShark
Goes from town to town, peddling his wares
Gentleman Brendan
Traveling in a covered wagon selling Frosty health tonic.
gellaho
The future of sport is beach volleyball, I'm telling you. We got one thousand people here. Superbowl? What's that? How many people watch that? "
Gentleman Brendan
'twas his own fermentation what killed Osteen.
FancyShark
In other words, Joe, you could have stayed inside to watch this
gellaho
"YoU stArT thAt VolLeyBalL tOURnaMenT & Ur D3Ad"
FancyShark
If you're writing threats to volleyball players, take up a more thrilling hobby. Like knitting.
gellaho
Pretty serious accusations
Gentleman Brendan
Man, SportsJuice plays rough.
gellaho
"DEATH TO SUGARY DRINKS"
FancyShark
"Some nice lemon-lime you got there, Prindle. Be a shame if someone flattened it."
FancyShark
The insane part is that there's nothing on the page
Gentleman Brendan
Ballsweat Cola runs this town, see? When you're parched from athletics, it's the only choice to hydrate you so you can sweat hard, and play ball hard.
gellaho
Bold of SuperJuice
Gentleman Brendan
Say what you will about death threats, at least they're an itinerary. This note is nihilist, Donny.
Gentleman Brendan
You ever know a man is bald by his name?
gellaho
THIS COMMERCIAL I'M MAKING IS IMPORTANT ART
FancyShark
If Auerbach stopped by to gloat about a diabetic dying at a competitor's event, he will be more hardcore than half the villains we've ever seen
gellaho
Ken Chaplin, the blond, mustachioed Commercial Artiste
Gentleman Brendan
Friendly reminder the Dallas PD incinerated the JFK footage almost immediately.
Gentleman Brendan
I bet he laid down a single white rose, and then, with a flourish of his cape, began reciting, "To an athlete, dying young"
FancyShark
Ken could have used that dying man's last moments!
gellaho
Not quite
FancyShark
Wig
Gentleman Brendan
Plugs, baby
I don't judge, I'm just saying.
FancyShark
Auerbach is short too? DWARF FIGHT!
Gentleman Brendan
Dan Auerbach is a sexy, sullen rocker. Todd Auerbach is your company's VP.
gellaho
"God, he is so fuckin' ripped," thought Frank
FancyShark
Frank briefly considers cupping one, just to feel it
Gentleman Brendan
Frank inappropriately gropes his frown.
gellaho
"God, he's ripped, too!"
Gentleman Brendan
I hope there's a gay subtext because if not, this gay fantasy is WASTED on Joe.
FancyShark
These meet-cutes are getting weird
Gentleman Brendan
Just constantly being spun around by rough-knuckled, perfectly chiseled 20-year-old athletes...Ffffffuuuuck.
FancyShark
Joe ignored the latin lothario in that other book
gellaho
"I hope these giant hunks don't beat me"
Gentleman Brendan
Well Joe's the MAGA one so
FancyShark
Joe's too smart for MAGA
Who grabs someone's shirt to push them?
Gentleman Brendan
Joe's Jared Kushner, Frank is the people who think Jared Kushner is looking out for them, you're right.
I get them confused.
gellaho
Uh, oh, Joe's experiencing the rage
gellaho
The hunks don't know about Joe's invulnerability
Gentleman Brendan
Right? I was reading that thinking it would honestly be pretty clever to shove someone, then yank them right back for a punch while they're off-balance.
Looks like Joe found a problem Frank can't fight his way out of. The only hope is to strip down to his trunks...
FancyShark
I mean, Frank's the smarter one. I just think you're giving MAGA too much credit saying they're at Joe's level.
Gentleman Brendan
...and challenge these guys to a contest on the court.
I can't keep them straight. Which one has anger issues, and which one masturbates into a paper cup so that God can't find his shame?
gellaho
Run, Chris! A female will only infuriate Joe further!
FancyShark
Frank's the judo robot, Joe's the misogynist with an unbreakable skull
Oh shit, estrogen! Joe's trigger!
gellaho
The author forgot to mention that George is a gorilla
Gentleman Brendan
G.Ritt
Yeah, keep apologizing for your boyfriend acting like a subhuman, college girl.
FancyShark
"George not like tiny men"
Gentleman Brendan
"He's not usually like this," she said with a practiced embarrassment.
FancyShark
Chris, that's called a "warning sign"
gellaho
Joe thought, "They're so tall; I wonder if they'd step on me"
Gentleman Brendan
Frank is into vore, for sure.
John
"Marveled that two such.....women could be partners"??! What the fuck does that even mean Joe?
Gentleman Brendan
...we all agree there's a deliberate misconstr--yes, exactly.
FancyShark
How can attractive women stand to be near each other?!
gellaho
Meet muscle man #869
gellaho
public jakesy no. 1
Oh fuck Hardy boys
Gentleman Brendan
It's very simple, John. Women are jealous creatures, prone to flights of competitive curiosity. The prettier one will naturally assert herself.
The only solution is to become: partners.
FancyShark
I'm glad we're being told every guy has a Hi-Kick shirt
Vern Elliott?
Gentleman Brendan
A dragon devouring a snake just looks like a dragon that learned to fellate itself.
gellaho
IT'S HAPPENING
John
What are you talking about? Those tattoos sound fucking rad.
Gentleman Brendan
Fuck you, Joe, Vern seems cooler than yesterday's dogshit.
FancyShark
Oh shit, it's already here
John
Dog with a knife in its teeth? If I can't have the real thing, hell yes I'll take a tattoo of it.
Gentleman Brendan
wait, why are they playing Chris and her definitely-on-the-court partner?
They're PAs, assigned to best two women at their pro careers?
gellaho
I'm sure that's why he was in that position
gellaho
They're taking B-roll for the film(?)
FancyShark
ohh
Yeah, I've used that excuse
gellaho
Joe definitely had an erection when this woman exploded
Gentleman Brendan
Oh God, yeah, this SuperJuice commerical's going to be MMM so fucking hot I mean COOL
John
"No, my platonic sports partner!" cried Tammy in non-romantic anguish.
Gentleman Brendan
'i'm okay," said Chris. "Flash-bang grenade. Everyone gets these here on...Mario Kourt."
FancyShark
This is why Joe's girlfriends all die. He's chasing that high
gellaho
FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUU
FancyShark
Oh fuck you, book
John
We've been looking forward to that scene for months. There better be another exploding ball fucking soon.
FancyShark
That's an exploding cigar-level bomb
Gentleman Brendan
"White phosphorus powder," said Frank, examining the ball, or possibly Joe, whichever one is the nerd. "I thought as much. A light dusting would scare--not harm--a player. Possibly costing them the match."
gellaho
I'll always have you cover
gellaho
Even though the girls are supposed to be taller
Gentleman Brendan
She's hugging him for protection OFFSIDES
FancyShark
And screaming like it's Doomsday
Gentleman Brendan
It's not?
gellaho
"Joe's exploded 57 times, sir"
FancyShark
Joe's half-explosion at this point
Gentleman Brendan
I call shenanigans. If they did that, the ball would have had a very high voice.
John
Finally an officer with a brain. I'm on team Chaplin.
Gentleman Brendan
...wait, that's helium.
The ball would have been much higher with every hit.
HA!
eat it, chemistry.
gellaho
This is a lot of work to stop a promotional event
Gentleman Brendan
I called this before the chapter started.
gellaho
That's the "film maker"
John
Then make him Chief of Police.
FancyShark
"I've suffered too! A lens got scuffed!"
Gentleman Brendan
How? He's not Irish.
gellaho
Chris doesn't think it's weird to joke about lethality after her ex-died
FancyShark
So Nadia killed Peter with sex?
Gentleman Brendan
Sounds like he was fucking Nadia.
gellaho
Of course that's what Nadia is
Gentleman Brendan
Then she started catching feelings or else worried he could expose her improfessionalism
FancyShark
Yep. Killed him with sex.
Gentleman Brendan
Volleyball story as old as time.
"Girl why you talk to boy? Eat more horse meat, grow three inches. Very lucky to get horse in this country. As much horse as you can eat. In my country, is using dog."
she's like a reverse Romanian gym coach, is my joke.
gellaho
This is a bold strategy for diabetes
FancyShark
Uh, no, Prindle
gellaho
MORE GATORADE FOR THE DIABETIC
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
FancyShark
HALF A GALLON?!
Gentleman Brendan
A HALF-GALLON OF HI-KICK
TWO QUARTS
Before he played a jumping and diving sport
He probably died of a stomach cramp
FancyShark
Jesus, that'd put a normal person into diabetic shock
gellaho
Case closed
FancyShark
Well, disappointing about the cover but it was short
Gentleman Brendan
Sounds like a really flamboyant suicide.
gellaho
Is Hi-Kick a sports drink or a soda, author
Gentleman Brendan
What if all the Hardy Boys books are painted first, and then reverse-plotted?
Gentleman Brendan
Carbonated Gatorade
SuperJuice is just flat Coke though.
FancyShark
If you're selling soda as a sports drink, you're just fueling the organ market
gellaho
MORE HUNKS
gellaho
Pour on the hunks
Gentleman Brendan
Well, not the kidneys.
gellaho
Sr and Jr hunks
Gentleman Brendan
I see this author is a fellow fan of redheads.
FancyShark
So much manflesh and soda. Do you like your book sweet or savory?
gellaho
That cannot be his name
gellaho
Buzz Maestren
FancyShark
Buzz vs Scooter. The showdown of the century.
John
This book needs half as many characters if it wants me to give a shit about any of them.
FancyShark
We need half of them to get diabetes to speed this along
gellaho
Nah, that's not suspicious
Gentleman Brendan
I don't care about any of them, where the fuck is Chet?
The real hero of this series.
gellaho
McDonald's?
FancyShark
Chet is what the fast food places call "Defcon 1"
Gentleman Brendan
Hahaha, Frank just so happens to identify his crush's jerk boyfriend as the culprit.
gellaho
No sense of self defense with these women
FancyShark
They must be thirsty if they're settling for the Hardys
gellaho
George decides murder at the beach is a great idea
FancyShark
Oh no! Joe's cement brain will pull him further under!
gellaho
As is required, Joe explodes
FancyShark
Unless he's holding you at arm's length, you just feel around for the junk and twist, Joe
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Explosions are less powerful underwater though
Gentleman Brendan
My ma was at the beach once and says a seagull tried to bring up a clam. The clam fought back and refused to let go of the gull's beak. She watched a seagull drown.
gellaho
Well, solid evidence. Arrest them
Gentleman Brendan
Now -- which are you, Joe? A seagull, or a real clam?
FancyShark
Anyone who makes a "puttin' on the Ritts" joke can go straight to hell
wait
dammit
gellaho
If they're paying you Chaplin, then you should probably film what they want
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
That was a really soft dink, Shark.
FancyShark
I know. I'm sorry.
But it was right there!
Gentleman Brendan
League favoritism is the most realistic part of this book so far.
gellaho
Gasp!
FancyShark
Auerbach swivels the chair around.
"Ah, gentlemen. How fortunate to see you."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They eventually fired Chaplin after refusing to film with sound or cut the character with the toothbrush moustache.
gellaho
This is such a weird threat
Gentleman Brendan
Kindly refer to it as "Dick Prindle's aftercarriage"
FancyShark
Auerbach seems to be playing the Karen card
Gentleman Brendan
"Prindle? Auerbach. AUERBACH. ...the guy with the plugs. Look, I broke into your trailer today, and those two kid detectives you hired refused to cater to my whims. What kind of Pinkerteens are you hiring?"
gellaho
"Fenton was terrible at this"
FancyShark
"Dad said he 'relinquished custody'?"
gellaho
@public jakesy no. 1, what do you think? Insurance money?
Gentleman Brendan
"Thanks for waiting, boys. Our 486 computer has returned eleven suspects so far. You say a "blonde, well-muscled man of about 20 was seen fleeing the scene in surfer board shorts?"
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Gentleman Brendan
"Jumped into a car driven by a...do I have this right, irate redhead?"
gellaho
That dead diabetic is such a drag
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank becomes entranced by the Siren's call.
gellaho
Time to start the volleyball game, uh oh, inflatable soda can!
FancyShark
And the balloon's got a knife!
gellaho
Fucking wrecked
FancyShark
Convenient
And now Chris is paraplegic
gellaho
(running backs aren't typically known for tackling, some nerd wrote this)
Gentleman Brendan
maybe it's a tackle of a running back?
the important thing is Joe can outrun a whipping cable
gellaho
You just had to advertise at this advertisement, didn't you?
Gentleman Brendan
Unfortunately, he has touched Chris.
And by Star Trek: TNG standards, he has violated local laws saving her life.
FancyShark
Yep. Time for Gritt to murder him again
Gentleman Brendan
Therefore, Joe will be ceremonially pounded into Ritt Paste:™️: under Prime Directive.
gellaho
Well, nevermind that. Still gotta volley
FancyShark
Shots ring out. Bombs fall. But the Hi-Kick volleyball players will not waver
Gentleman Brendan
Joe was proud of the woman he had just met.
FancyShark
He whispered that to her as she clawed her way out from under him
Gentleman Brendan
Her whole career has just been about getting a cute, dumb boy's approval.
FancyShark
That's why she did everything to be attractive.
gellaho
What fun date banter
FancyShark
Food Writer
Gentleman Brendan
"Nadia disapproves of me eating food."
FancyShark
"Can I just smell the bread? It's all I'm allowed."
gellaho
Oh, yeah, nothing suspicious about what happened with Chuck Herrick
Gentleman Brendan
"Hi, my name is George Ritt Jr. and I'll be your server ton--CHRIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
Heard you were talking to my girl, Hardy
Gentleman Brendan
What are you going to do when my dad watches me drown you, LOSER?
FancyShark
Chuck is with Jimmy Hoffa, the partner BEFORE Chuck
Gentleman Brendan
"Hey, Hardy, have you ever seen a navel this pink before?"
gellaho
Joe decides this is a great time for some crime sleuthing
FancyShark
Then Joe cuts the brake lines. Just in case.
gellaho
A RECEIPT FOR A GARDEN CENTER!? IMPOSSIBLE!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The owner of the car later wonders why the driver's seat is so sticky.
FancyShark
Ritt's fine, as long as no one steals his therapy receipt
gellaho
Michael Meyers is really off his teenager murderin' game
FancyShark
Joe just broke up a threeway Tammy paid good money for
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Surprised Tammy didn't 💥
FancyShark
She would have, if Joe hadn't arrived
gellaho
Joe gets beat by a second assailant
Gentleman Brendan
Joe masturbated all over the driver's seat so he could track George anywhere.
gellaho
Commentary on the state of women's sports in society
Gentleman Brendan
"He bears my scent now," said Joe, to no one in particular, and waited for the universe to exhale. It was time.
FancyShark
"Thank god her accomplishment was a cheap knockoff"
Gentleman Brendan
Joe breaks into the WNBA's top star's car: a Corolla with vanity plates.
gellaho
Remember kids, don't report assaults
Gentleman Brendan
The fact that I don't know who the LeBron of the WNBA is proves Gellaho's point.
gellaho
Lurid details? Did I miss something?
gellaho
LeBrona
FancyShark
"It wasn't anything lurid. They were just-"
"NO! LALALALA! MY EARS ARE STILL VIRGINS!"
gellaho
The fuck does "saluted with a smile" mean
FancyShark
Still, one of Joe's better dates
Only one attempted murder
gellaho
MEANWHILE: Frank dies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Situational awareness is not one of their strong suits.
FancyShark
Ritt and Auerbach are lovers
Gentleman Brendan
It means he was at attention and didn't use his hands
gellaho
I guess the assailant decided that was enough and just left Frank?
Gentleman Brendan
These two get concussed every week of their lives.
FancyShark
"Boss said knock him out. He's knocked out. Job done."
gellaho
Joe started going to town on Frank's head
FancyShark
Joe drains it, sprays in some polish, and replaces the valves
gellaho
They seem to think the Ritts are the primary suspects, despite one being at the restaurant and the other being with Auerbach and Nadia
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
Attenborough voice: And here we see that the younger Hardy is grooming the older, picking out lice and scalp wounds, in a ritual as old as time
FancyShark
"Okay. Try not to think for a few days."
If the killer is Dick Pindle, I will be disappointed at being right
gellaho
Wait, do you think Auerbach working for us is important? "
Gentleman Brendan
Mr. Ritt doesn't give orders. He makes wishes and you're expected to know what crimes he wants committed.
FancyShark
He went through papers? That sounds like a lot of jobs
Gentleman Brendan
I thought Prindle was new here.
gellaho
I refuse to believe the garden center is important
FancyShark
Prindle told them "These guys play for keeps!"
gellaho
Hot
Gentleman Brendan
Saw your truck following my girl's car, Hardy.
STAY AWAY FROM HER REAR BUMPER.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That happened to me like 4 times on my drive home today.
FancyShark
Dammit, Ritt, there's only three cars around here!
Gentleman Brendan
I'm sorry, I just love the idea of what a stupid, one-track mind GRJr has
It's the funniest thing to me.
Like a zombie but for fucking or fighting.
gellaho
Joe has turned into a Duke of Hazard
gellaho
Also, how does this author think cars work?
Gentleman Brendan
all he can say is "Braaiiinns stay away from my girl"
Brain cars beat muscle cars.
gellaho
"Bull-like rushes" require somebody doing really weird with the accelerator
Gentleman Brendan
Joe used a nearby schoolbus as a defensive shield.
gellaho
DAMN YOU, CAR PHONE!
gellaho
Not that far off
FancyShark
Yeah, it takes brains to endanger bystanders
Human shields. That's some real chess there
gellaho
I feel like there are several pages missing here
gellaho
gellaho
What do you think should happen next?
FancyShark
PONCH!
I assume Erik Estrada will assume MC responsibilities?
Seems like a thing you should sell in a garden center
FancyShark
"Why's it in a sippy cup?"
gellaho
He was mad, so I sold it to him
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Actually, I could go to prison just for telling you I possess it."
gellaho
This has been a public service announcement. Don't smoke, kids
FancyShark
Defense attorney's gonna have an easy day
gellaho
"It's been a crazy couple of days, eh?"
FancyShark
"Life, amirite?"
Gentleman Brendan
Cos' it's the best-selling flavor of Hi-Kick
gellaho
"Shoot, that explosion cut our brakes"
gellaho
what an inconvenience
FancyShark
"Not onto that, Joe!"
Gentleman Brendan
I have had an idea.
I think a fun day would be to go Hardying.
gellaho
Oh, no! Palm trees, among the least solid of all trees!
Gentleman Brendan
Just go into local businesses and say "My brother and I are investigating a CASE."
gellaho
"The palm trees, known for being flexible to survive the strong winds of hurricanes, will surely stop us dead!"
FancyShark
Dixon seems to be making a comment on the inadequacies of emergency brakes.
gellaho
Fuckin what
Gentleman Brendan
I want to hear Joseph W. Dixon's version of this story. I bet Frank comes off way less tough.
gellaho
Somebody put a small explosive and knew that a shard of metal would fly off in precisely the right direction to cut the brakes?
Gentleman Brendan
Hawkeye, you son of a bitch
gellaho
"Our dad said we could die in an explosion!"
Gentleman Brendan
I guess it's possible, but like...you could just put an explosive in the gas tank?
Budd Dwyer Thought
or in the seat cushion
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy parents are remarkably cool about all this.
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Gentleman Brendan
"Sounds like a real close call, boys. Listen, when you come home, your mother wants you to bring In 'n' Out."
Budd Dwyer Thought
this reads like a kid telling the sheriff his parents let him drink anytime he likes
FancyShark
O'Boyle then paused to pick up a sack of potatoes and drink a Guinness
gellaho
"The Hardys didn't think it was weird that the filmmaker had plastic containers of chemicals"
FancyShark
Prindle can reliably be found in the men's locker room
Everybody knows this
He's always asking the naked men if they feel thirsty
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Prindle is honestly just the gear selector for an automatic transmission
e is the light speed gear and every car should have one
i is invisible mode
Gentleman Brendan
One time my gym got a new attendant, and he asked me if I needed anything and I had no idea what that dude was talking about.
gellaho
It's the ridiculous name convention
Gentleman Brendan
A month later he was gone because nobody there was juicing.
FancyShark
CALLED IT! BUZZ VS SCOOTER!
Granted, they're the only ones still alive, so it wasn't difficult
gellaho
To be fair, I think this is just how Eastern European women say hello
Gentleman Brendan
Awwww, she accepted his proposal!
gellaho
Well, shit
FancyShark
Tell her you think turnips aren't flavorless!
gellaho
The karate wrist chop knocks her out
FancyShark
Oh crap. The knife was her phylactery
gellaho
That stab was, I don't even know
FancyShark
That's fair
The Hardys do that
gellaho
Can't say this is where I thought this was going
gellaho
Joe doesn't get it, of course
FancyShark
Realistic dirtbag behavior? Did we switch authors?
gellaho
Wow, Nadia
gellaho
These two high school students are definitely with the Immigration Service
Nadia has been in America for longer than the Hardy's have been alive
Get it together
FancyShark
Okay, Nadia. I understand the temptation, but just because you want to stab them doesn't mean they're INS
Gentleman Brendan
The fuckin' MVP here tonight
stabbing feds never solves problems
except that dude in fargo
gellaho
BOOOOOOOOOO, kicking is for Europeans
FancyShark
George was trying to start a Flying V
gellaho
Like a what?
gellaho
I am flummoxed
John
Aww, writer doesn't know sports and had to do the volleyball book.
FancyShark
characterized by or making quick changes in direction to avoid widely scattered tacklers
John
Maybe they should have swapped with "computers explode when they're mad" writer.
FancyShark
So...football?
gellaho
Really working overtime
John
Nice. Exactly the opposite of the situation.
gellaho
Not in this century
Or the last century
That sounds like some Harvard-Princeton talk from the dawn of football
Chemicals for the filming, I guess
gellaho
Then they jut kind of leave
What did Frank find? Who knows
FancyShark
"Body Dissolver"
"Ink"
"Blood"
"Gatorade"
gellaho
What a brilliant twosome
FancyShark
His alibi needs work
gellaho
So they did try to poison him, but that wasn't what killed him?
gellaho
That's still a crime, author
FancyShark
Nuh-uh! One crime per person!
gellaho
This, also a crime
John
"Stop confessing boy!"
"Dad has an offshore account he uses to pay his drug dealers and hookers."
"Dammit!"
FancyShark
Ritt is why Miranda Rights exist
gellaho
HULK JR SMASH HULK SR
FancyShark
🎵 And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon🎵
gellaho
FUCK YOU, DAD
FancyShark
"Don't inconvenience me by dying"
gellaho
I'm missing some information here
gellaho
Maybe explain why to me, book
FancyShark
NOW you want proof?
John
It helps that all their suspects feel compelled to confess, otherwise these kids would have nothing.
FancyShark
Wait, Frank just admitted intent to manufacture evidence
gellaho
That's it? "It was like the movies?"
FancyShark
Cutting the brake cables on a car is a prank?
gellaho
I would love to know why this is happening
FancyShark
April Fool's Day must be like The Purge
gellaho
Do you remember the volleyball? Or the girl Joe was supposedly in love with?
Me neither
FancyShark
lol
So the blonde mustache was the culprit. It all falls into place
gellaho
Sure, the elderly security guard is involved. Why not
FancyShark
He just wasn't the same after the Ernest movies
gellaho
In terms of motivation, this is pretty weak narratively
gellaho
money is what you go with when you have literally no ideas
FancyShark
Couldn't even manage INSURANCE MONEY
oh wait
Spiked!
Like how they poisoned people
I get it now
gellaho
Oh, no, a canvas bag!
FancyShark
So he's wearing a speedo?
Explain your imagery, author!
gellaho
I don't think you've couped anything, bud
gellaho
The author, still unaware of attempted murder
FancyShark
Just handing the case over on a platter
gellaho
They keep describing Hi-Kick as gooey or gunk
gellaho
Drinks are usually, you know, a liquid
FancyShark
Yeah. This sounds more like snot
gellaho
One way shot to the top, this is
FancyShark
Come on, Auerbach. Just bang Prindle's wife like a normal asshole
gellaho
Joe "A Single Murder is Nothing" Hardy
FancyShark
Diabetics don't have the same level of protection under the law
gellaho
Slowly drowning always works in fiction
gellaho
Oh, convenient sharp object, always so helpful
FancyShark
"No, wait, it's a hypodermic needle. Actually, there's lots of them."
Gentleman Brendan
...what flag is that?
FancyShark
US and Liberia
gellaho
I think he knows the US flag
FancyShark
derp. Sorry
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The what flag?
gellaho
Frank destroys an old man
Gentleman Brendan
If a guy who murdered me called me a squirt right before he pulled the trigger, I'd die of shame first.
Gentleman Brendan
Ah, Liberia makes sense.
gellaho
Quiet, listen to the murderous eastern European!
FancyShark
Robot vs Old: PLACE YOUR BE- oh, damn
Gentleman Brendan
I once joked in Cracked that it was okay to kill someone whose identity I forget, "because they're not really human, like zombies, or diabetics," and boy did a commenter take that to heart pancreas.
gellaho
Reminder: she's been in America for twenty years
Gentleman Brendan
I was eating the best chili. When did Auerbach get incriminated?
FancyShark
When he confessed in a smug monologue
gellaho
I don't have a good answer for that
FancyShark
Also, Ritt Sr went to jail when Jr turned on him
And the author hasn't heard of attempted murder
gellaho
Pfft, OK
FancyShark
Wow. No one's just said it before
gellaho
People are just exclaiming random shit now
They almost forgot to include snacking
gellaho
It was really close
I like Tammy
FancyShark
That answers your earlier question, Brendan. No. They do not get paid.
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
hahaha, Joe does suck
gellaho
We have defeated SPIKED!
Chili Con Cookie Javo
beautiful
gellaho
That concludes this edition of The Book Cage! May all your volleyballs contain inert explosives
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I give it two concussed hardys out of five. Thanks for doing this.
FancyShark
Great work, gellaho!
And thank you again!
Gentleman Brendan
Two dozen times WHAT?
Boy, this one was a pip.
Just fun goofiness straight through.
Does the professional volleyball know you don't catch the ball?
ancyShark
"Joe. I heard you caught the ball my girlfriend threw. Big mistake."
Gentleman Brendan
Hardy, what did I tell you about catching my girlfriend's balls?
John
Nice job @gellaho and thanks
Gentleman Brendan
for sure
@gellaho thank you for your brain damage providing us this service.
