FancyShark
They must be thirsty if they're settling for the Hardys
42: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #58: SPIKED! Franklin W. Dixon
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When the competition gets hot - someone's bound to take a fall!
Archive
gellaho
George decides murder at the beach is a great idea
FancyShark
Oh no! Joe's cement brain will pull him further under!
gellaho
As is required, Joe explodes
FancyShark
Unless he's holding you at arm's length, you just feel around for the junk and twist, Joe
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Explosions are less powerful underwater though
Gentleman Brendan
My ma was at the beach once and says a seagull tried to bring up a clam. The clam fought back and refused to let go of the gull's beak. She watched a seagull drown.
gellaho
Well, solid evidence. Arrest them
Gentleman Brendan
Now -- which are you, Joe? A seagull, or a real clam?
FancyShark
Anyone who makes a "puttin' on the Ritts" joke can go straight to hell
wait
dammit
gellaho
If they're paying you Chaplin, then you should probably film what they want
gellaho
Gentleman Brendan
That was a really soft dink, Shark.
FancyShark
I know. I'm sorry.
But it was right there!
Gentleman Brendan
League favoritism is the most realistic part of this book so far.
gellaho
Gasp!
FancyShark
Auerbach swivels the chair around.
"Ah, gentlemen. How fortunate to see you."
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They eventually fired Chaplin after refusing to film with sound or cut the character with the toothbrush moustache.
gellaho
This is such a weird threat
Gentleman Brendan
Kindly refer to it as "Dick Prindle's aftercarriage"
FancyShark
Auerbach seems to be playing the Karen card
Gentleman Brendan
"Prindle? Auerbach. AUERBACH. ...the guy with the plugs. Look, I broke into your trailer today, and those two kid detectives you hired refused to cater to my whims. What kind of Pinkerteens are you hiring?"
gellaho
"Fenton was terrible at this"
FancyShark
"Dad said he 'relinquished custody'?"
gellaho
@public jakesy no. 1, what do you think? Insurance money?
Gentleman Brendan
"Thanks for waiting, boys. Our 486 computer has returned eleven suspects so far. You say a "blonde, well-muscled man of about 20 was seen fleeing the scene in surfer board shorts?"
FancyShark
THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Gentleman Brendan
"Jumped into a car driven by a...do I have this right, irate redhead?"
gellaho
That dead diabetic is such a drag
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Frank becomes entranced by the Siren's call.
gellaho
Time to start the volleyball game, uh oh, inflatable soda can!
FancyShark
And the balloon's got a knife!
gellaho
Fucking wrecked
FancyShark
Convenient
And now Chris is paraplegic
gellaho
(running backs aren't typically known for tackling, some nerd wrote this)
Gentleman Brendan
maybe it's a tackle of a running back?
the important thing is Joe can outrun a whipping cable
gellaho
You just had to advertise at this advertisement, didn't you?
Gentleman Brendan
Unfortunately, he has touched Chris.
And by Star Trek: TNG standards, he has violated local laws saving her life.
FancyShark
Yep. Time for Gritt to murder him again
Gentleman Brendan
Therefore, Joe will be ceremonially pounded into Ritt Paste:™️: under Prime Directive.
gellaho
Well, nevermind that. Still gotta volley
FancyShark
Shots ring out. Bombs fall. But the Hi-Kick volleyball players will not waver
Gentleman Brendan
Joe was proud of the woman he had just met.
FancyShark
He whispered that to her as she clawed her way out from under him
Gentleman Brendan
Her whole career has just been about getting a cute, dumb boy's approval.
FancyShark
That's why she did everything to be attractive.
gellaho
What fun date banter
FancyShark
Food Writer
Gentleman Brendan
"Nadia disapproves of me eating food."
FancyShark
"Can I just smell the bread? It's all I'm allowed."
gellaho
Oh, yeah, nothing suspicious about what happened with Chuck Herrick
Gentleman Brendan
"Hi, my name is George Ritt Jr. and I'll be your server ton--CHRIS WHAT ARE YOU DOING"
Heard you were talking to my girl, Hardy
Gentleman Brendan
What are you going to do when my dad watches me drown you, LOSER?
FancyShark
Chuck is with Jimmy Hoffa, the partner BEFORE Chuck
Gentleman Brendan
"Hey, Hardy, have you ever seen a navel this pink before?"
gellaho
Joe decides this is a great time for some crime sleuthing
FancyShark
Then Joe cuts the brake lines. Just in case.
gellaho
A RECEIPT FOR A GARDEN CENTER!? IMPOSSIBLE!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The owner of the car later wonders why the driver's seat is so sticky.
FancyShark
Ritt's fine, as long as no one steals his therapy receipt
gellaho
Michael Meyers is really off his teenager murderin' game
FancyShark
Joe just broke up a threeway Tammy paid good money for
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Surprised Tammy didn't 💥
FancyShark
She would have, if Joe hadn't arrived
gellaho
Joe gets beat by a second assailant
Gentleman Brendan
Joe masturbated all over the driver's seat so he could track George anywhere.
gellaho
Commentary on the state of women's sports in society
Gentleman Brendan
"He bears my scent now," said Joe, to no one in particular, and waited for the universe to exhale. It was time.
FancyShark
"Thank god her accomplishment was a cheap knockoff"
Gentleman Brendan
Joe breaks into the WNBA's top star's car: a Corolla with vanity plates.
gellaho
Remember kids, don't report assaults
Gentleman Brendan
The fact that I don't know who the LeBron of the WNBA is proves Gellaho's point.
gellaho
Lurid details? Did I miss something?
gellaho
LeBrona
FancyShark
"It wasn't anything lurid. They were just-"
"NO! LALALALA! MY EARS ARE STILL VIRGINS!"
gellaho
The fuck does "saluted with a smile" mean
FancyShark
Still, one of Joe's better dates
Only one attempted murder
gellaho
MEANWHILE: Frank dies
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Situational awareness is not one of their strong suits.
FancyShark
Ritt and Auerbach are lovers
Gentleman Brendan
It means he was at attention and didn't use his hands
gellaho
I guess the assailant decided that was enough and just left Frank?
Gentleman Brendan
These two get concussed every week of their lives.
FancyShark
"Boss said knock him out. He's knocked out. Job done."
gellaho
Joe started going to town on Frank's head
FancyShark
Joe drains it, sprays in some polish, and replaces the valves
gellaho
They seem to think the Ritts are the primary suspects, despite one being at the restaurant and the other being with Auerbach and Nadia
Ferroday, Summer Variant (SSR)
Attenborough voice: And here we see that the younger Hardy is grooming the older, picking out lice and scalp wounds, in a ritual as old as time
FancyShark
"Okay. Try not to think for a few days."
If the killer is Dick Pindle, I will be disappointed at being right
gellaho
Wait, do you think Auerbach working for us is important? "
Gentleman Brendan
Mr. Ritt doesn't give orders. He makes wishes and you're expected to know what crimes he wants committed.
FancyShark
He went through papers? That sounds like a lot of jobs
Gentleman Brendan
I thought Prindle was new here.
gellaho
I refuse to believe the garden center is important
FancyShark
Prindle told them "These guys play for keeps!"
gellaho
Hot
Gentleman Brendan
Saw your truck following my girl's car, Hardy.
STAY AWAY FROM HER REAR BUMPER.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That happened to me like 4 times on my drive home today.
FancyShark
Dammit, Ritt, there's only three cars around here!
Gentleman Brendan
I'm sorry, I just love the idea of what a stupid, one-track mind GRJr has
It's the funniest thing to me.
Like a zombie but for fucking or fighting.
gellaho
Joe has turned into a Duke of Hazard
gellaho
Also, how does this author think cars work?
Gentleman Brendan
all he can say is "Braaiiinns stay away from my girl"
Brain cars beat muscle cars.
gellaho
"Bull-like rushes" require somebody doing really weird with the accelerator
Gentleman Brendan
Joe used a nearby schoolbus as a defensive shield.
gellaho
DAMN YOU, CAR PHONE!
gellaho
Not that far off
FancyShark
Yeah, it takes brains to endanger bystanders
Human shields. That's some real chess there
gellaho
I feel like there are several pages missing here
gellaho
gellaho
What do you think should happen next?
FancyShark
PONCH!
I assume Erik Estrada will assume MC responsibilities?
gellaho
If you guessed fuck all, congratulations
FancyShark
damn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
[scene missing]
FancyShark
"Filthy leaves. Sinful leaves. Horrible, horrible leaves..."
gellaho
Seems like a thing you should sell in a garden center
FancyShark
"Why's it in a sippy cup?"
gellaho
He was mad, so I sold it to him
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Actually, I could go to prison just for telling you I possess it."
gellaho
This has been a public service announcement. Don't smoke, kids
FancyShark
Defense attorney's gonna have an easy day
gellaho
"It's been a crazy couple of days, eh?"
FancyShark
"Life, amirite?"
Gentleman Brendan
Cos' it's the best-selling flavor of Hi-Kick
gellaho
"Shoot, that explosion cut our brakes"
gellaho
what an inconvenience
FancyShark
"Not onto that, Joe!"
Gentleman Brendan
I have had an idea.
I think a fun day would be to go Hardying.
gellaho
Oh, no! Palm trees, among the least solid of all trees!
Gentleman Brendan
Just go into local businesses and say "My brother and I are investigating a CASE."
gellaho
"The palm trees, known for being flexible to survive the strong winds of hurricanes, will surely stop us dead!"
FancyShark
Dixon seems to be making a comment on the inadequacies of emergency brakes.
gellaho
Fuckin what
Gentleman Brendan
I want to hear Joseph W. Dixon's version of this story. I bet Frank comes off way less tough.
gellaho
Somebody put a small explosive and knew that a shard of metal would fly off in precisely the right direction to cut the brakes?
Gentleman Brendan
Hawkeye, you son of a bitch
gellaho
"Our dad said we could die in an explosion!"
Gentleman Brendan
I guess it's possible, but like...you could just put an explosive in the gas tank?
Budd Dwyer Thought
or in the seat cushion
Gentleman Brendan
The Hardy parents are remarkably cool about all this.
gellaho
LIIIIPS
Gentleman Brendan
"Sounds like a real close call, boys. Listen, when you come home, your mother wants you to bring In 'n' Out."
Budd Dwyer Thought
this reads like a kid telling the sheriff his parents let him drink anytime he likes
FancyShark
O'Boyle then paused to pick up a sack of potatoes and drink a Guinness
gellaho
"The Hardys didn't think it was weird that the filmmaker had plastic containers of chemicals"
FancyShark
Prindle can reliably be found in the men's locker room
Everybody knows this
He's always asking the naked men if they feel thirsty
Ramb$ne Gracie with Scythe
Prindle is honestly just the gear selector for an automatic transmission
e is the light speed gear and every car should have one
i is invisible mode
Gentleman Brendan
One time my gym got a new attendant, and he asked me if I needed anything and I had no idea what that dude was talking about.
gellaho
It's the ridiculous name convention
Gentleman Brendan
A month later he was gone because nobody there was juicing.
FancyShark
CALLED IT! BUZZ VS SCOOTER!
Granted, they're the only ones still alive, so it wasn't difficult
gellaho
To be fair, I think this is just how Eastern European women say hello
Gentleman Brendan
Awwww, she accepted his proposal!
gellaho
Well, shit
FancyShark
Tell her you think turnips aren't flavorless!
gellaho
The karate wrist chop knocks her out
FancyShark
Oh crap. The knife was her phylactery
gellaho
That stab was, I don't even know
FancyShark
That's fair
The Hardys do that
gellaho
Can't say this is where I thought this was going
gellaho
Joe doesn't get it, of course
FancyShark
Realistic dirtbag behavior? Did we switch authors?
gellaho
Wow, Nadia
gellaho
These two high school students are definitely with the Immigration Service
Nadia has been in America for longer than the Hardy's have been alive
Get it together
FancyShark
Okay, Nadia. I understand the temptation, but just because you want to stab them doesn't mean they're INS
Gentleman Brendan
The fuckin' MVP here tonight
stabbing feds never solves problems
except that dude in fargo
gellaho
BOOOOOOOOOO, kicking is for Europeans
FancyShark
George was trying to start a Flying V
gellaho
Like a what?
gellaho
I am flummoxed
John
Aww, writer doesn't know sports and had to do the volleyball book.
FancyShark
characterized by or making quick changes in direction to avoid widely scattered tacklers
John
Maybe they should have swapped with "computers explode when they're mad" writer.
FancyShark
So...football?
gellaho
Really working overtime
John
Nice. Exactly the opposite of the situation.
gellaho
Not in this century
Or the last century
That sounds like some Harvard-Princeton talk from the dawn of football
Chemicals for the filming, I guess
gellaho
Then they jut kind of leave
What did Frank find? Who knows
FancyShark
"Body Dissolver"
"Ink"
"Blood"
"Gatorade"
gellaho
What a brilliant twosome
FancyShark
His alibi needs work
gellaho
So they did try to poison him, but that wasn't what killed him?
gellaho
That's still a crime, author
FancyShark
Nuh-uh! One crime per person!
gellaho
This, also a crime
John
"Stop confessing boy!"
"Dad has an offshore account he uses to pay his drug dealers and hookers."
"Dammit!"
FancyShark
Ritt is why Miranda Rights exist
gellaho
HULK JR SMASH HULK SR
FancyShark
🎵 And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon🎵
gellaho
FUCK YOU, DAD
FancyShark
"Don't inconvenience me by dying"
gellaho
I'm missing some information here
gellaho
Maybe explain why to me, book
FancyShark
NOW you want proof?
John
It helps that all their suspects feel compelled to confess, otherwise these kids would have nothing.
FancyShark
Wait, Frank just admitted intent to manufacture evidence
gellaho
That's it? "It was like the movies?"
FancyShark
Cutting the brake cables on a car is a prank?
gellaho
I would love to know why this is happening
FancyShark
April Fool's Day must be like The Purge
gellaho
Do you remember the volleyball? Or the girl Joe was supposedly in love with?
Me neither
FancyShark
lol
So the blonde mustache was the culprit. It all falls into place
gellaho
Sure, the elderly security guard is involved. Why not
FancyShark
He just wasn't the same after the Ernest movies
gellaho
In terms of motivation, this is pretty weak narratively
gellaho
money is what you go with when you have literally no ideas
FancyShark
Couldn't even manage INSURANCE MONEY
oh wait
Spiked!
Like how they poisoned people
I get it now
gellaho
Oh, no, a canvas bag!
FancyShark
So he's wearing a speedo?
Explain your imagery, author!
gellaho
I don't think you've couped anything, bud
gellaho
The author, still unaware of attempted murder
FancyShark
Just handing the case over on a platter
gellaho
They keep describing Hi-Kick as gooey or gunk
gellaho
Drinks are usually, you know, a liquid
FancyShark
Yeah. This sounds more like snot
gellaho
One way shot to the top, this is
FancyShark
Come on, Auerbach. Just bang Prindle's wife like a normal asshole
gellaho
Joe "A Single Murder is Nothing" Hardy
FancyShark
Diabetics don't have the same level of protection under the law
gellaho
Slowly drowning always works in fiction
gellaho
Oh, convenient sharp object, always so helpful
FancyShark
"No, wait, it's a hypodermic needle. Actually, there's lots of them."
Gentleman Brendan
...what flag is that?
FancyShark
US and Liberia
gellaho
I think he knows the US flag
FancyShark
derp. Sorry
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The what flag?
gellaho
Frank destroys an old man
Gentleman Brendan
If a guy who murdered me called me a squirt right before he pulled the trigger, I'd die of shame first.
Gentleman Brendan
Ah, Liberia makes sense.
gellaho
Quiet, listen to the murderous eastern European!
FancyShark
Robot vs Old: PLACE YOUR BE- oh, damn
Gentleman Brendan
I once joked in Cracked that it was okay to kill someone whose identity I forget, "because they're not really human, like zombies, or diabetics," and boy did a commenter take that to heart pancreas.
gellaho
Reminder: she's been in America for twenty years
Gentleman Brendan
I was eating the best chili. When did Auerbach get incriminated?
FancyShark
When he confessed in a smug monologue
gellaho
I don't have a good answer for that
FancyShark
Also, Ritt Sr went to jail when Jr turned on him
And the author hasn't heard of attempted murder
gellaho
Pfft, OK
FancyShark
Wow. No one's just said it before
gellaho
People are just exclaiming random shit now
They almost forgot to include snacking
gellaho
It was really close
I like Tammy
FancyShark
That answers your earlier question, Brendan. No. They do not get paid.
gellaho
The End
FancyShark
hahaha, Joe does suck
gellaho
We have defeated SPIKED!
Chili Con Cookie Javo
beautiful
gellaho
That concludes this edition of The Book Cage! May all your volleyballs contain inert explosives
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I give it two concussed hardys out of five. Thanks for doing this.