#1 Nancy Drew: Girl Detective: The New Case Files
The Book Cage - Episode 83.5: Nancy Drew: Girl Detective ®️: The New Case Files: Vampire Slayer
As part of an abbreviated Book Cage this week, we will be delving into shameless IP theft and creative laziness. Is Nancy Drew a vampire slayer? The book doesn't even want to commit to that. Featuring some of the worst art I've ever seen and nearly identical characters. This Friday, 5pm Eastern, we'll try to puzzle out exactly how it three heads to produce this two part series.
Fuck yeah, Christmas Hotdog Monster Mash
That vampire is hardcore, not even it's coffin casts a shadow
Coming up on the next hour, it's Nancy Drew: Girl Detective ®️: The New Casefiles: Vampire Slayer. Here is your preview. Be warned, it is obnoxious
She doesn't carry guns, she's a knife girl
I've seen politicians who waffle on facts less hard than this ghostwriter did in two paragraphs
this reads less 'unreliable narrator' and more 'insecure head trauma victim'
It's like that speech Don Knotts made to the town in The Ghost & Mr. Chicken
What is Ferroday's avatar doing in that book?
"When I do extralegal vigilante activities, its without any form of authority or even regard for my personal safety. Isnt that NEAT!?"
Time to get while the gettin's good
"PapercutZ" alone means this book deserves to die in a fire
Its got a Z so you know its RADICAL!
It was better than Papercut GT at least.
We meet Nancy in a psychotic mood with her friends
Hahaha what the fuck is on that dude's face
Is he being eaten by a mynock
Dollar store werewolf jaw (upper head not included)
This is George. George is a girl, and I'm not sure the artist knows that
Ah remember when you could walk into a movie theater with a crossbow?
"These barbershop clippings are fucking ITCHY Bess!"
I actually think the hard-boiled noir narration is an improvement
They decided on a route through the cemetery, when all of a sudden
Oh shit, it's Kylo Ren
Grave Parkour!
It what all the teens are into.
Also, Nancy got jumpscared once here and it's as frightening as it will ever be
I'll be the judge of that, Nance
Just look at how he drew Nancy and Bess's eyes. Poor George didn't get any extremely pointy eyelashes
Look out, a goth!
TEEN STAMPEDE!
Dude saw "George" and thought he grokked it immediately. No further research required
Teens instinctively start running as a herd when they see another teen run.
It's like a bomb defusal squad
George also has the exact same barber as this vampire
Just the tiniest little vampire mouth you ever did see
"Um......Nancy? We go to school together? You know who I am."
You're in costumes too, remember?
Triangle under the eye is an odd touch.
"In third period you yelled at me you did a background check? Then you tased me when I handed you an eraser you dropped?"
It's a vampire mime!
Buh, what
Hahaha she turned into a chipmunk there for one panel
Full on Elsa face
I thought it said Torgo for sure.
If only, if only
Im having trouble suspending disbelief when the "vampire" runs away from her.......mutant chihuahua?
Shit Nancy, the poor goth kid gets chased by your dog and then you pull a crossbow on him?
He just wanted to go to the Bauhaus tribute show.
It really feels like Nancy is just playing most dangerous game with an unwilling volunteer
He still lept at you from the top of a grave, you dipshit
"Nancy, I live next door! Im going to the same movie! We talked about this a half hour ago!"
The tiny mouth sickness spreads!
Looks like Nancy lost her face in all the excitement
Faces......too hard........to draw.......this size!
Running.....out....of art!
Jesus Christ, Bess
You can take the beard off now, George. It's over. George?
"Bess where are your hands?!"
"Where are yours George?"
Is she supposed to have Clockwork Orange eye makeup or is that just bad art?
"No, seriously, are you just poking your snoot into that popcorn and hoovering up?"
What kind of a title is "Dielite?"
Six of one, half dozen of the other
Aw shit, that's an Arbiter of Fate. Somebody's been fucking with the canon timeline
Dielite is the horror spinoff of Die Hard.
Dielite: not as tasty, but probably better for you
Drawing new faces is too much work
Jesus, this is just lazy.
Cut and paste is a valid artistic technique!
Nancy has Jay Sherman face in those panels
This is uniquely painful to look at it's like it was drawn by Bratz dolls brought to life by evil.
Viva Jay Sherman! Viva Quebec!
Nancy's hunch also told her this cloak is a girl
Nancy can smell her uterus at a hundred paces.
You say your hunches are usually right but you haven't struck the lotto once for seven straight years
Must have been the lips
Dear god, her skullcap is perfectly flat
this is discrimination against juicy-lipped boys
But, seriously, what's your real name?
those gasps are suppressed chuckles, like I just did
"Coffson"
More like "Goffson", with the fucking dork ass emo fit
George is the "funny" one
God Gregor is just such a grandpa name to inflict on a young man.
You can just say your name is Greg, dude.
Bensen Estate? Did something happen to Dr. Honeydew?
he thought the Y was too traditional
so he dropped it
It looks like a giant hand is holding him back
Hey George, why'd you paint paw pads on your hands
Cant unsee it now.
Nancy usually feels nothing but contempt for those with nervous disorders
Nancy's monologue is catty as hell
"Im very sorry for startling you by running away from your dog attacking me randomly."
"Oh, fudge" said George's permanently angry brows
Sure giant void shape I'll walk you wherever just please get some shading.
George and Bess are just so thirsty.
There's only one solution. Devil's Triangle
Well, at least there won't be any brown haired boys to confuse with George
Uh, oh
It's okay, Ned has a normal person haircut
Its ......NED! Whooo is........Ned?
He........Neds?
Ned is Nancy's boyfriend
I bet Ned and Chet go to the same bar and bitch about their teen detective protagonist problems
Ohhhhh THAT Ned.
But nevermind that, in comes this crazy bitch
The barely there and instantly forgettable Ned.
So forgettable the artist forgot to draw him
Okay, if someone like Deidre starts buttering you up like that, do not trust it. She is out for your valuables. Possibly organs.
Gregor has a very firm grasp of stranger danger.
Is deidre wearing a corset?
Nobody is touching Gregors No No Square today, Satanists.
And instantly rejected
:3
Everyone look in different directions at once!
Why draw when you can not draw?
Bwahahaha
"If you dont look DD in the eyes she gets confused and wanders off, believing shes become invisible. Shes like a T-Rex, her vision is based on stupid."
"They just didn't care!"
'Hi I'm boyfriend' was just Ned being real with himself
Ned knows what he is.
Ladies love boys with the complexion of a corpse
Ned doesnt even know she exists.
George almost looks jealous in that last panel
Not that you can tell under the bush they're wearing
I only see George as this
Later, Nancy is about to be abducted by extraterrestrials
sure because you're so busy 'solving crimes' that's why.
Forgetting Ned as soon as he's out of sight is normal.
"The card says "Keep your fucking dog on a leash or I will bury you in kidneys."
Nancy's neck is growing some strange lines
Real talk, what neck
That's just a block that her head is sitting on
It's like they forgot her jaw line was hidden by her hair.
She's mostly comprised of eyes, everything else just kind of hovers around them
Be Not Afraid
This artist needs a swat with a rolled up newspaper and a nap.
Nancy is mostly made from twigs and twine
Oh, so she's like Ranni
This is too fucking funny I can't even...it looks like his hands are just hovering over a chair like spae
The fuck, Nancy why are you wearing an 18th century tunic with puffy shoulders and tights? Going to a Warhammer Fantasy con later?!
Nancy, that looks more like contemptuous than flattered
Was Nancy bodysnatched and replaced with a haunted Victorian fuck doll when nobody was looking?
They didnt really take much time in kinda dispelling the idea hes a vampire tho, did they. I was expecting a little more "Mayyyyyybe he is a vampire and not just a Euro weirdo."
It's hard to take you seriously with that ghost car about to hit you in the face
So, this goes on for a week. And some people are talking about it. Not really sure who
"Nancy Drew Makes New Friend! Impossible Possible, Scientists Say!"
Ned seems really psyched that he hasn't heard from Nancy
Its a DJ and someone being driven over by a boat in a poorly drawn sea?
Ned had hoped he was finally free.
Ned has a healthy relationship, its too bad its with Nancy.
Ned just chilling in the movie Dark City
That's certainly an "Awp" face
I really hope we never see the lower half of George's face again. Just always hidden behind something like the neighbor on Home Improvement.
Who holds their phone like that?
Why draw more face when less face do trick
This was drawn by someone who had never seen a human move before.
For eat the Android like potato chip
What century is Diedre supposed to be from
Holy Shit @gellaho I think this one broke me
Ned........do you not use the internet much? Literally anyone who knows you would send you a picture of your girlfriend hanging out with another guy.
DD has some fuckin DRIP tho.
Do you think this Countess Bathory getup has a matching parasol?
Whole lot here. Possibly the worst is that he drew a cat instead of a dog
Oh my god, I've cracked it
He's on the run from the Dog Police
This was a sting
@Brendan Nancy Drew is falling under the spell of the worst drawn vampire to ever exist.
Meanwhile, Diedre can see through Ned's skull
Everyone is just surprised Nancy has a new friend, its odd that the winner of the annual Tri State Unlikeability Contest managed to find someone whos self esteem is low enough to hang out with her.
This is a Brooke hand
Diedre has attached angry spikes to her eyelids as some form of punishment
They've clearly stabbed her in the nose several times
Myfaceplace
Thats an insane conclusion to jump to.
Really did just draw George as generic boy
Like straight up, insane.
That is a massive bed
I've seen code lyoko characters less generic than this
It's got to be ten feet long at least
Bess needs that room to make the jumps in logic.
Or shed fall off the bed.
The fuck is happening on that table
Well.....
Give the formless shapes which inhabit this school I assume it's a dead classmate
They went to the Vague Silhouette Cafe.
In this land of shifting shadows all is mystery.
When a mommy and a daddy shadow beast love each other very much.
They do this thing called "Cowgirl position"
Bess is having a moment
In a cafeteria. Full of school children.
Ned's spider sense is tingling!
When bess says "take a walk" she means "Go to the closet".
Nancy's got the crazy eyes
Oh god oh fuck she's about to snap
"Y.....yeah Nance. N...ned understands. Just.......just put the knife down, okay?"
Why would you reuse that hand
This mysterious redhead changed George's haircut
Its a pretty good "Cursed by a witch" hand.
'Wait you can see her too?'
More totally insane conculsions from Bess and George.
Holy shit, that redhead made George even more of a twink somehow
Later
I kinda stan gender nonconforming George.
Neds just so horny right now he powered up.
Honestly for a completely accidental lazy decision, non-binary George kinda slaps
They haven't moved an inch for weeks!
Oh my god what is wrong with his haaaaaaaands
Time for Swiggly Red Lines, starring Ned
Shes got more than one of those tops. She shops at Ye Olde Hotte Topice.
Ned's off to have a VERY angry wank and get all his big feelings out.
Oh Ned. There's no escaping the Book Cage. You're in this world of shit for life.
Meanwhile, Nancy's hair is escaping
"Yeah of course. I was angling for a three way. Why?"
It's unfolding like Jean Jacket
"Do you think Ned doesnt think I'm good looking? Does he not like emo boys?"
Can you count the different haircuts George has on this page?
And don't be tricked by the bottom left, that's a Ned
Bess needs to be kept away from things like the Protocols of the Elders of Zion with that "If vampires arent real why are there so many books about them?!" logic.
George has a bizarre grip on her Blackberry
Good grief, either copy/paste all your characters or redraw them every time, but fucking decide already, PapercutZ
Try to guess who's who
Fast forward 10 years and Bess is ranting on a message board about reptoids controlling the government and their war with the immortal bigfoot magician at the Earths Core.
Also funny how they dont tell Ned "We think Nancy is friends with a literal real life Vampire who is mind controlling her."
Because they know how that sounds.
they're both characters from Mystic Messenger?
Ned fucking loves drapes. Or George does, I'm not sure
Paul McCartney there in the center
or he works nights
"Jesus Bess would you drop that vampire shit, he's just European."
Look at all that fruit punch
Definitely not blood, because that ain't what it looks like
So he's European, has a skin condition, and likes making jam.
Sue him.
it's not blood, it's b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-blood.
B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-That's all, folks!
"Yeah of course I have jars of blood. How do you Americans make blood pudding?"
Open up wide, Ned
Gregor Coffson is a Gregor Gothson, confirmed.
Listen. It's actually pretty cosy in a coffin, as long as you keep the lid cracked
He wasnt expecting company so he didnt put out his best dribbly candles.
Nancy has been taken by the void
And where else do you get velvet bedding?
Leading these chuckle fucks to Scooby-Doo it
Their shoes are very excited about it
"Nancy, my secret is.........I like kinky sex in coffins while smeared in jam. Will you and Ned join my international polycule?"
Thanks for those action triangles so we knew where they were, artists. Would never have figured it out otherwise
Look they knew how to draw triangles for sure and kept going back to it.
"What if he can smell our Christian blood tho!"
"That's TROLLS Bess."
George has caught the neck line disease
"ITS VAMPIRES TOO! FUCK YOU I READ THOSE BOOKS!"
Soundproofing, lightblocking drapes
Wrinkleneck claims the lives of so many teens.
Any chance Gregor can drop the Amazon link
So sad.
Alright, now we're going full cartoon
Bess.........you are a fucking maniac.
Let's both close our eyes while this is happening
He's going to put her in the fridge. Which we were just shown was already stuffed to capacity.
Get a fucking grip, Bess.
Assume Gregor is a vampire. What the fuck are you gonna do about it?
Ew, tomato juice
Heheheh he craves salty liquids
Looking a little pointy, Nancy
