83.1: Vampire Slayer: Part One Petrucha, Kinney & Murase

Badgerman

Is that what they're calling it these days

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Which brings me back to my kinky sex threeway proposal from the driveway. I crave salty liquids, will Ned give me some?"

Badgerman

Bone cancer in her cheekbone. Tragic really

gellaho

Snooze

Badgerman

Ugh, leave it to the comic book nerds to rationalize all the mystery out of vampires

1000 Space GDCs

Why are his hands so tiny all of a sudden

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

And you.........have a coffin in your living room.......why?

gellaho

Hey, they figured out how to draw briefly

1000 Space GDCs

Isn't that what they called vampirism in Morrowind?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yup

Badgerman

What variety of anthro do you think they were going for for that first panel

gellaho

You're just as good as Nancy Drew

Ozzie

It's half of it, yeah

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Don't take note of how my head is suddenly HUGE and my hands are TINY

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Oh it just makes for a good coffee table."

gellaho

Go fuck yourself

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"I keep books in it now."

Badgerman

I'm honestly more insulted by "Sleight of Dan" being the title than anything

1000 Space GDCs

"Sleight of Dan" is making me crack up for some reason

Badgerman

Oh good, we have all the viewpoints

gellaho

Nancy's got lines going all over the place, and Gregor has shut down

Badgerman

I'm glad we're having all this told to us as opposed to shown

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh so thinking you'd think he's weird for his disease makes him a ten year old, Nancy?

gellaho

Neither of these faces are expressing the correct emotion

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also he is kind of weird, but mostly because he didnt throw out that fucking coffin and wears Spock ears.

gellaho

Well, actually this

Badgerman

"Ned is your boyfriend? Really?"

gellaho

Whi is something a ten year old might say

1000 Space GDCs

"That's a couch, Greg. I'm behind you."

gellaho

DAMN YOU, INTERNET!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Oh so more than just Bess and George are insane weirdos.

Cool, good to know.

Badgerman

Hahaha this dude has been cyberbullied into moving across fucking continents

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gregor needs to get a gaming PC and throw out that coffin tho.

1000 Space GDCs

I love how the artist just screencapped their Outlook on Windows XP with the silver theme and stuck it in there

gellaho

Everybody's insane

Badgerman

Wouldn't it be easier to just get ADT or something

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Wait.......my guy........you live in America. You can just buy a gun and a big dog.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Ned's lines have changed color

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or well........maybe not a dog because you're scared of them.

You could get a guard alligator!

OR a tiger!

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

In frustration he began emitting squiggly lines

Badgerman

Smash the window, it's not like they'll hear through the drapes anyway

gellaho

The curtain is the real star of the show

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Jesus Bess you brought a murder weapon?!"

Badgerman

How many arms does Bess have there

1000 Space GDCs

"We did not discuss this, Bess."

gellaho

"I'm through living in fear!" he said, hiding behind his haunted house traps

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Ned does not have enough questions for Bess right now.

For a second I thought when he said "worked with tigers" he would unleash a live tiger on Ned.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Tigers are notoriously easy to drop cages on.

gellaho

Meanwhile, George's constant transformation continues

Badgerman

"I'M A BIG BRAVE BOY," he said, from the safety of his trap control room

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Catching him in a cage like an asshole is good too.

Brendan

HELLO I WAS JUST DIAGNOSED WITH PORYPHYRIA AND COULD REALLY USE A PICK ME UP, WHAT ARE WE READING TONIGHT?

1000 Space GDCs

George is turning into some kind of elf

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Living the best kind of enby life.

Badgerman

If they weren't one already

gellaho

"Urk?"

Brendan

When you're a vampire you type in all caps.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

These are pretty good traps.

Badgerman

Not quite as kinky as the rope trap in Five Elements Ninjas but I imagine Greg was working on short notice

gellaho

1000 Space GDCs

George is going for a sweet dunk.

gellaho

And Bess gets the impossible trap

Badgerman

Bess just fucking dies

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Two broken kneecaps later

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"you would not believe how expensive it was to get the contractors to stuff the alligators down the chute."

gellaho

Into the void! And don't you dare make a face matching what you are saying!

Badgerman

Clipped out of world, never recovered the body

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gregor..........you know this is kind of illegal, right? Like you'd be better off with a shotgun and an alarm.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Is that her thumb?! I thought it was some kind of thing attacking her.

gellaho

Gregor's computer explodes whenever a trap goes off

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

BREEP

Badgerman

Cuz my breeper kept breepin'

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Gregor.........you had to spend like a couple mil on this. Why not just hire a private eye or a bodyguard?

Badgerman

Not nearly mysterious enough

gellaho

Wait, how did Bess end up in there? And how are they all that close in the same room?

Badgerman

Also harder to get a bodyguard or PI to go along with the monster mash theme

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha Bess what the fuck, you absolutely deserve to be there, considering you brought a murder weapon.

Gregor should press charges.

Badgerman

Yeah, no, this is a kink playroom. Y'all fucked up and now you're trapped.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Or reveal that he is also a vampire.

Just one with porphyria.

gellaho

She is?

Badgerman

Oh wow, they actually remembered

I guess they were going for more of a tomboy thing?

gellaho

What a phenomenally weird thing to say, Nancy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahhahaha Ned are you admitting they told you? And you went along with it?

Badgerman

That's- that's not even close to probable cause, Nancy

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also Nancy you arent like.......a cop. Or even a PI. You have guaranteed most of the people you catch go free and sue the state.

Badgerman

If anything it's YOU who should be in prison, Nancy

Brendan

Breaking into a vampire's house is more ethicalthan a suspected criminal's.

gellaho

Nancy Drew, choosing this vague stalker threat over her friends and boyfriend

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Also Nancy why are you friends with two girls this insane? They thought he was a fucking VAMPIRE.

And YES THEY DO NEED TO LEAVE.

Thats not you being unreasonable, Nancy.

gellaho

A page composed entirely out of existing drawings

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Is she meant to be IN the box with the swords?

Badgerman

I'm surprised Gregor didn't try to talk her into helping him murder them now that he has her wrapped around his little finger

1000 Space GDCs

This artist doesn't really get the concept of layers in photoshop

Badgerman

Yes, only don't ask how she got in there from sliding down a trapdoor

gellaho

Look at this master of stealth

Badgerman

Ninja stealth run!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

"Hey its so suspicious that that guys house we just broke into had traps for people breaking in."

gellaho

This is some fuse box

gellaho

The fuck is happening

Badgerman

Ope, she triggered the resident evil self-destruct

Whud! Whud! Whud!

gellaho

This seems like a bad system

Badgerman

"We'll suffocate inside the manor along with any intruders! Making me the victor!"

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Well thats one way to do it, i guess. But........how do you turn it off if it goes off when the power is cut?

gellaho

Quick, to the fainting couch!

Badgerman

Conks his head on the edge of a counter like Chuck McGill

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahaha more like Gregor Habsburg.

gellaho

Who could this mysterious voice be?

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

She keeps almost turning into Lady Amalthea from the Last Unicorn

gellaho

Eat shit, kids!

Badgerman

The best reveals are the ones where it's still not clear what's being revealed

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Shes not even a vampire hunter, she just thinks he's bourgeoisie.

She's a Well Armed Peasant. WAP.

gellaho

This is a flimsy ass excuse for this, editor

Badgerman

Hahaha I've seen thicker justification from fanfic liner notes

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Hahahah wouldnt it be cool if we did some Nancy Drew shit where she slays a vampire? We didnt but wouldnt it be cool if we HAD?! Wild stuff, reader we just admitted to fucking over.

1000 Space GDCs

The editor takes a stream of consciousness approach, here.

gellaho

And if you loved this, kids, you'll also love the illustrated Scarlet Letter!

1000 Space GDCs

I can already tell the art is better

Badgerman

Oh, because we all loved it the first time in high school.

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Yeah just what I wanted, a picture of Arthur Dimmesdale supressing his Satanic urge to teach children swear words.

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Next up the Illustrated 'Bonfire of the Vanities'

Badgerman

And for Christmas, why not the Illustrated Naked Lunch?

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The illustrated version of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle was cancelled, they said it was in poor taste.

Brendan

This is the second worst thing that ever happened on September 18th

Homer Simpson, Nancy Drew hunter

gellaho

Well, tonight we were all Halle

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Halle deserves revenge for this.

I hope they got it, either on the relative that gave this to them or on the author.

gellaho

Well, someone tore out whatever the first page was

Badgerman

More intrigue on its own than anything the story itself could offer

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

Probably to cut the letters out for the death threat.

Brendan

Dear Diary. I understand the messages Nancy Drew was sending me through the fiction membrane of the novelverse. A tidal wave of blood shall give life to our two causes.

gellaho

Well, that was it for tonight's abbreviated Book Cage

Brendan

Well met, Gellaho Drew!

Badgerman

Caged like Ned

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

@gellaho I haven't laughed like that in ages this was solid gold Thank You

gellaho

Some other time we will get into part two and the crossover with the Hardy Boys.

Badgerman

Thanks once again, gellaho!

gellaho

gellaho

Then the cycle will be complete for The New Case Files

Badgerman

Hahaha the Hardies look like such dirtbag anime protagonists already

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

so many weird screenshots

LyraV (hiding in the xmas tree)

Her poofy sleeves are all that can stop the Hardys!

Horse Boxing Flippant Sausage

The Hardy Boys look like they are from a low budget adaptation of Double Dragon.

gellaho

Just remembered that George and Bess are supposed to be cousins. Which explains why they look so similar

Oh, wait