gellaho
Here's the preview for Photon: For the Glory
13: For the Glory David Peters
#1 Photon
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A Photon Adventure Novel #1. The All-new Intergalactic Action Series! It's not just a game. It's an adventure...
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jakesy, peloton snack
Oh no
Or oh yes
I’m torn based on what we know so far
gellaho
gellaho
jakesy, peloton snack
Is the chick wearing a head to toe fishnet onesie?
gellaho
it appears to cover everything except the top half of her head
jakesy, peloton snack
In space
gellaho
This is already off to a wild start
jakesy, peloton snack
Already this is ridiculous enough to be great
Hmmmm I don’t like where this is heading now
Knowing that Hitler is involved
gellaho
For some reason all the evil names include "arr"
Alpha Scientist Javo
The Warlord of STARRCASTLE
[buckles the fuck in]
gellaho
Alpha Scientist Javo
I love how he refuses to use a pronoun
it must always be THE WARLORD
gellaho
This happened a lot quicker than I thought
jakesy, peloton snack
Shouldn’t he be the warrlorrd?
gellaho
0 to Hitler in 3 pages
Warlord of Arr, Scarrcastle, Warriarr, Mandarr
Alpha Scientist Javo
warriarr
are they space men or pirates
gellaho
They are evil dudes that live in a castle that want to eliminate light
Old Man Brendan
Peter David confirmed
jakesy, peloton snack
Hope they’ve set aside checks notes infinite time to find all the stars
gellaho
This is so bizarre
Alpha Scientist Javo
seems like a bad plan for dudes who fucking love lasers
Old Man Brendan
The villain is a Hitler apologist, but also he lives in Scarrcastle.
gellaho
Pirarr the suckup and the time-spanning machine
jakesy, peloton snack
I can’t wait to read about when they play laser tag with Hitler
gellaho
It's all just so much
GDC
All these names sound like first drafts of Masters of the Universe characters.
jakesy, peloton snack
This guy is so thirsty for Hitler
Hitler is going to see these guys and stuff them in herr lockers
gellaho
I wonder if he's going to change his name to Hitlarr
jakesy, peloton snack
Shut up arrdvarrrk I’m genociding here
Old Man Brendan
So are we going to find out how he learned earth's history faster than light could travel?
Pirarr and Warriarr in: The Road to Berlin!
gellaho
Buckle the fuck up
Old Man Brendan
The suffix -ARR denotes the warrior class of idiot.
jakesy, peloton snack
Why do they talk like pirates now
Old Man Brendan
Because of all the -ARRs
GDC
I can picture all of these action figures.
gellaho
They might be related to Hitler
Old Man Brendan
Didn't I say??
Alpha Scientist Javo
no seriously why are there no pronouns
Old Man Brendan
"We may be distantly related," just sliding that in there.
jakesy, peloton snack
They progressed from Hitlur to Hitlor and so forth until they ended up at Hitlar
gellaho
You may ask, can it get dumber?
Old Man Brendan
I hate space Nazis almost as much as American Nazis.
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahahaha
Old Man Brendan
Amarrica is under attack!
Alpha Scientist Javo
Hitlarr*
GDC
Harrtlarr
DeusExNonSequitur
If this is your plot after 7 pages, it's not too late to start over and do better.
Old Man Brendan
No, they stopped at Hitlar and used him as bait to catch Hitlarr.
Alpha Scientist Javo
oh my god they love him not because of genocide but because of a tortured connection to ARR
jakesy, peloton snack
Right now the power rankings of shittiest Nazis are
3) German Nazis
2) American Nazis
1) Space Nazis
Old Man Brendan
They come back with Bob Newharrt.
gellaho
This description does not match that cover
Old Man Brendan
Lou bitterly wondered who had cheated: his darling Nell or his daughter Sue-Ellen.
GDC
I don't think these similes are as evocative as he thinks.
DeusExNonSequitur
That's a simile that would embarrass SL Hunter
jakesy, peloton snack
Whoa now let’s not take it that far
Old Man Brendan
Supposing Hunter COULD feel embarrassment, how would that affect his lips?
jakesy, peloton snack
They would be as dry as a cats fur after a trip to Autozone in the desert
gellaho
Mustn't go two pages without saying Hitler in this laser tag book for children
Alpha Scientist Javo
HITLARR KILLED 6 MILLIONS JEWS, AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR MOST HOLY HOLIDAYS IS????
YOM KIPPARR!
gellaho
Intellistar
Old Man Brendan
From Grandpa's perspective his only grandson made up an insultingly dumb excuse to run out when he was about to open up about the worst day of his life.
jakesy, peloton snack
@Old Man Brendan M.O.T.H.E.R.
gellaho
You can tell they're the good guys because they employ young boys? teens?
And because it's not Intellistarr
Old Man Brendan
Child soldiers, go ahead and say it.
Alpha Scientist Javo
I cant fucking deal with these names
gellaho
I can feel the shame coming from this writing
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi Li, but my grandpa calls me Chrissie.
"From my perspective I was gone two weeks, fighting the blood-warriors or Arr's eternal darkness cult. But from Grandpa's, it was mere minutes. I returned to find him cold, still clutching that beer. This war cost me everything."
jakesy, peloton snack
Bhodi Li, frontman for the Indian Rush cover band
DeusExNonSequitur
Go find the nearest person and stare at them for a full 30 seconds. That's insane.
Old Man Brendan
It was a baleful stare.
gellaho
He just really wanted to bum out his grandfather before going on his space adventure
jakesy, peloton snack
Aw hell yeah laser tag time
gellaho
Come on, David
jakesy, peloton snack
But pobre grandpa, indeed
Old Man Brendan
...I think I pulled that time differential out of deepest memory.
DeusExNonSequitur
What kind of MLM scam does he work for? He has to buy tokens to save the universe?
Old Man Brendan
Intellistar will comp his T&E if he can get a receipt from the machine.
gellaho
Play Laser Tag kids! You'll love the sensation of a gun as an extension of yourself
jakesy, peloton snack
“Now take aim at those dirty blue liber- I mean your friends!”
gellaho
Lol, they play on carpet
This is just fucking laser tag
jakesy, peloton snack
Comet Man
He named himself Bhodi Li and everyone else is like “I’m Rocket!”
GDC
Bad news when you start to run out of good nicknames this fast.
DeusExNonSequitur
"zigzag or some other fancy maneuver"
This idiot thinks zigzagging is advanced fighting tactics.
Alpha Scientist Javo
Wait... Wildfire, Ace, Hotshot and he went with BHODI LI?
GDC
Maybe he was watching American Gladiators and it cut to commercial before he could steal any other names. Best he could do on his own was Comet Man.
gellaho
Photon energy
Old Man Brendan
it really feels like some '80s producer yoinked an Asian lead after the action scenes were shot, and said "No, get me a blue-eyed white kid with a round face and a skinny body!"
gellaho
I guess that girl's outfit on the cover is accurate
Old Man Brendan
This just sounds like he buys his drugs at the arcade.
DeusExNonSequitur
If you are going to make them 17, just go ahead and make them 18. We all know there's gonna be inappropriate sex stuff.
jakesy, peloton snack
He absolutely got here by huffing paint at the laser tag center
gellaho
Out-of-this-world female
jakesy, peloton snack
Cue up Neckbeard Ape
Old Man Brendan
Sounds like she should stay away from him.
If she fucks Bhodi Li, is Chris still a virgin?
jakesy, peloton snack
Chad Bhodi Li just cucking Chrissie all up and down the block
gellaho
Cyborg space station
gellaho
Truly a philosophical question for our times
DeusExNonSequitur
This kid sucks so much.
GDC
Its just made of meat, kid. Relax.
So are you.
Old Man Brendan
Your MOM ship has large bays and I docked in her last night
Takes a FTL beam to a cyborg mega-vessel in space to prevent the war for eternal darkness; is afraid to open up to coworkers.
gellaho
Does kind of seem like these guys went into space and transformed to go to a meeting
Also, lizard man and ten year old
DeusExNonSequitur
Is Parcival his real name, or is that the best superhero name this "genius" could come up with.
Alpha Scientist Javo
its not like hack writers havent used it before
Old Man Brendan
He's home-schooled and he's not allowed to watch cartoons, so Arthurian myth it is.
gellaho
And a magic cyborg
Old Man Brendan
If Parcival is killed, does Intellistar send MiBs to deliver the news to his mom and return a smoldering Radio Shack Tandy II casette from his backpack?
They should have recruited an all-Celtaric team, frankly.
gellaho
I cannot picture this
jakesy, peloton snack
Yeah that’s certainly a description of something
gellaho
So I guess Tivia is a 17 year old alien. Are those Earth years?
Old Man Brendan
So he's short, squat, and comes from a marsh planet?
gellaho
This Percival kid is a real dweeb
I mean, who would have guessed
Old Man Brendan
Look, it's war. These kids grew up the first day they painted each other with the blood of Arr.
If Arr has a time machine why are they fighting a traditional campaign?
gellaho
This kid has a hard time remembering Hitler
This takes place in 1986 btw
So that would be like not remembering 1986
jakesy, peloton snack
If you didn’t spend all your time huffing paint at the laser tag center and disappointing your grandpa BHODI, you would have known
Old Man Brendan
This is so funny, because The Warlord is actually what the Arr call Intellistar.
Well actually it's the Warrlord, but you get me.
gellaho
You know, blah blah, time travel
gellaho
That's right, feminists, where would you be without men's computers
jakesy, peloton snack
Checkmate, libs
DeusExNonSequitur
Are we supposed to hate Bhodi Lee? Because I hate Bhodi Lee.
jakesy, peloton snack
Planet Macchio lol
Fuckin karate kid planet
It’s a me, Macchio planet
gellaho
Human superiority can only be established in the Over the Top method
jakesy, peloton snack
I love that they keep capitalizing MOM because it just makes them sound petulant
GDC
well, ONE of the things.
Old Man Brendan
None of these people speaks German.
Well, probably Parcival does. Home school.
gellaho
This is already so stupid and we haven't gotten to the laser tag yet
GDC
this space meeting could have been a space email.
gellaho
David's got it, don't worry
Marbles
jakesy, peloton snack
God ok MOM
DeusExNonSequitur
They still can't speak German.
Old Man Brendan
Shouldn't they already have these, or did they learn Photese as part of their onboarding?
GDC
You're not my real MOM!
jakesy, peloton snack
“Don’t forget your coat sweetie” “Shut up MOM”
gellaho
Mom says you only get three tries on the transporter
Old Man Brendan
it's a modification of the mind-reading translator invented by a ten-year-old boy on an Apple IIe, said the sentient supercomputer.
GDC
It's the best we could do, apparently.
gellaho
Such intense combat
Old Man Brendan
Sounds like physically they pose no greater threat.
Bhodi Li bragging about seeing Star Trek in front of the warrior-princess he wants to kiss is an '80s self-own.
jakesy, peloton snack
No way I’m advanced enough to handle this, said MOM. I’m just a girl computer
gellaho
It's three on three Pirarr, Mandarr, and Destructrarr vs. Bhodi Li, Tivia, and Percival
Yeah, I wonder why
Old Man Brendan
Parcival loses to Pirarr, Bhodi Li beats Mandarr through luck, and Tivia slaughters Destructarr. Bet.
gellaho
The reason is time travel boners. I'm assuming
gellaho
You're forgetting about Hitler
Old Man Brendan
Hitler is the final boss.
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh shit Hitler is going to totally play laser tag with them isn’t he
Greg
Why do these kids need adult bodies if all combat is just laser tag plus nothing else
GDC
Very nice of the bad guys to have obvious laser-tag themed weak points.
gellaho
40 years old isn't ancient
jakesy, peloton snack
If only they could do something about those flashing plates!
gellaho
Bhodi is from 1986 not 2174
I think the bullets might do more damage than your "cool" laser gun
Old Man Brendan
So...the phasers can kill readily, but you still have to hit the plate?
I would have said their beliefs were the most ridiculous thing about the Nazis, but sure, go with Hugo Boss.
gellaho
There's no context to this, but I'm assuming this woman unimpressed with the laser guns comes back
DeusExNonSequitur
Do you think the author confused WWII with WWI spiked helmets?
gellaho
Jesus, this sucks
that's so annoying
DeusExNonSequitur
Yes, the 10-year-old is obviously a spy. Good work everyone.
jakesy, peloton snack
Alternate spelling of fuhrer aside, what is this shit?
gellaho
Fucking, what? Huh?
jakesy, peloton snack
Why don’t they just shoot them with the lasers
Old Man Brendan
The audacity of these people to be in the most populous city.
jakesy, peloton snack
Instead they become Power Rangers?
DeusExNonSequitur
Is linking arms a requirement before they can super jump?
gellaho
They shot the 10 year old
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha
Classic Nazis
Old Man Brendan
You get to be Golden Age Superman but your entire body is covered in targets that will...I guess send you home for an hour?
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
wait
Bhodi Li
Tivia
are...his main characters body parts
Bhodi Li: bodily
Tivia: tibia
gellaho
Really seems like they're overpowered
GDC
These child soldiers seem really incompetent.
Old Man Brendan
Alex Jones would shill for Arr.
gellaho
So I guess only the computer got shot. Why did that incapacitate him?
Old Man Brendan
He's a con arrtist.
jakesy, peloton snack
Wait so they shot a 10 year old in the back?
GDC
Also apparently advanced photon technology is easily defeated by pistols.
Old Man Brendan
They're Nazis
No just earth computers.
gellaho
"Make sure not to change the past" = laser ninja stars
gellaho
What tone is he trying to go for
jakesy, peloton snack
This is a super duper serious story about Nazis being defeated by glue-sniffing laser tag kids
Old Man Brendan
They can roll a truck, what do they care about shrapnel?
They jumped 18 feet in the air
jakesy, peloton snack
One of whom, the jailbait one, is wearing nothing but a fishnet onesie
And laser tag armor
Greg
I wish these kids stuck to the no future weapons rule. All having a 10 year old sneaking around garroting Nazis in the dark
Old Man Brendan
They have lasers, they should just run down the block shooting at the foundations.
Garroted by Parcival, the shame.
Behold the mastarr race
gellaho
That lady they saw is going to hide these people in an attic
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh no
Are they going to recruit Anne Frank for laser tag
gellaho
Fuck this kid is stupid
Old Man Brendan
And then have to return her to her place in the timestream. Who's the real monstarrs?
DeusExNonSequitur
He was born in the 50s, is 17 years old, and knows nothing about World War II despite his grandpa telling him war stories all the time.
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi's ignorance of the Nazi regime borders on willful.
jakesy, peloton snack
“Marshall Plan? Is that some sort of new video game or something?”
gellaho
The fucking whiplash
Old Man Brendan
"Actually, Tivia, the real numbers were closer to 1 million deaths across ALL undesirables. Most of the so-called missing merely fled."
He's jaunty, she's haughty. Can these two EVER get it on?
gellaho
Oh, you think Bhodi
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha
Old Man Brendan
Meuller
jakesy, peloton snack
Doing whippets and playing laser tag is exactly as taxing as saving Jews from the Nazis
gellaho
Armor, sure
jakesy, peloton snack
Literally a fishnet onesie
Old Man Brendan
Wearing conspicuous armor is making you vulnerable, you fool!
Greg
They had no way to know WW2 had guns or they would have worn real armor
gellaho
gellaho
Armor, sure
jakesy, peloton snack
Literally a fishnet onesie
Old Man Brendan
Wearing conspicuous armor is making you vulnerable, you fool!
Greg
They had no way to know WW2 had guns or they would have worn real armor
gellaho
GDC
Nobody expected that we would have to know history to go to the past!
jakesy, peloton snack
This level of ignorance would be like if one of us forgot 9/11
YOU NEVER FUCKING FORGET
gellaho
In case you forgot
gellaho
His grandfather was literally telling him about it before he left
Old Man Brendan
Peter David hates this protagonist and wants you to dislike teenagers too.
Greg
I'm still mad about the "Mein Kempf is that like Moby Dick?" bit
Old Man Brendan
The real criminal here is IntelliMOM, who recruits randos and gives them no field training on time-travel missions to save the universe.
Old Man Brendan
Literally one minute ago in Photime.
jakesy, peloton snack
Why doesn’t boy wonder Parcival here invent the Google if he’s so good at computers
Old Man Brendan
9/11 is my parents' anniversary so I can never forget.
jakesy, peloton snack
That’s certainly one way to remember it
gellaho
Seems like the warriarrs of Arr were captured immediately
Old Man Brendan
You know, the aliens, Fuehrer?
jakesy, peloton snack
They pointed their guns at the flashing plates on their chests, there was nothing the warriarrs could do
gellaho
This is so dumb
And the word count on Hitler is astronomical
I think a biography about Hitler might have less Hitlers
and this book is only 154 pages long
Old Man Brendan
He gets paid by the Hitler.
Reference: https://www.figurerealm.com/actionfigure?action=seriesitemlist&id=166&figures=photon
gellaho
Diving Hitler catch
GDC
Not Without My Hitler!
jakesy, peloton snack
Godwin’s Contract
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi Li realizing he's a Holocaust denier:
Old Man Brendan
But admittedly looking cool here:
Bhodi Li!
jakesy, peloton snack
So feather many hair
gellaho
Space pirates do not belong here
GDC
I love the parenthetical explanation of power ball. That's a mace. We have a word for that.
gellaho
"Arr, matey, we be needing him to take us to Hitler"
jakesy, peloton snack
Parcival hadn’t invented Google yet when this was written
Old Man Brendan
Worse, it's from Schliss's POV, so he shouldn't even know what a ballzeigpauer is.
gellaho
I can't stop laughing
gellaho
Hmmm
jakesy, peloton snack
Captain Jack Sparrrrow is about to make schloss walk the plank
Oh shit bang time
Old Man Brendan
Do the Warriarrs also have Parcival's jury-rigged translator?
gellaho
I think you might be able to get an impression of the lower half of her face, Bhodi
gellaho
So mysterious, what could be under that mesh?
jakesy, peloton snack
How would he do that, it’s completely covered by see through mesh
Alpha Scientist Javo
ok wait for so long this novel was really dumb kiddy shit and all a sudden it gets weird sex stuff
jakesy, peloton snack
To be fair Bhodi can barely figure out faces, he definitely doesn’t know what to do with boners
Old Man Brendan
David might have been working from the actual show: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZTZhYmI3ZDItYWMzYy00ZDc4LWE0N2EtOGNhNzJlOTJiMDU2L2ltYWdlL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMzAwMzY0MjE@._V1_FMjpg_UX1050_.jpg
DeusExNonSequitur
And they're both 17. Why do so many of these books have weirdly sexual teenagers?
It's like all these authors have memorized their speeches about the difference between pedophilia and ephebophilia.
gellaho
He certainly was
Turns out they whitewashed the cover, oops
Real good thing to do in your book with Hitler
jakesy, peloton snack
Not to defend Peters here but in 1986 I’m pretty sure the age of consent was like 15 so I think this is just us now realizing it’s gross
Alpha Scientist Javo
I mean if they are actually teenagers there is nothing weird about them being super horny
the weird part is the old dude writing about it
gellaho
The book's all like "it shouldn't matter what color your skin is," meanwhile the cover turned the main female character white
GDC
And a bunch of people reading it on the internet 35 years later
jakesy, peloton snack
Back then I’m sure they were like aww yeah she’s 17 clearly a woman
jakesy, peloton snack
Wait they’re both Black?
Did..did the cover artist not read the book?