A Photon Adventure Novel #1. The All-new Intergalactic Action Series! It's not just a game. It's an adventure...
Archive
gellaho
Here's the preview for Photon: For the Glory
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh no
Or oh yes
I’m torn based on what we know so far
gellaho
gellaho
jakesy, peloton snack
Is the chick wearing a head to toe fishnet onesie?
gellaho
it appears to cover everything except the top half of her head
jakesy, peloton snack
In space
gellaho
This is already off to a wild start
jakesy, peloton snack
Already this is ridiculous enough to be great
Hmmmm I don’t like where this is heading now
Knowing that Hitler is involved
gellaho
For some reason all the evil names include "arr"
Alpha Scientist Javo
The Warlord of STARRCASTLE
[buckles the fuck in]
gellaho
Alpha Scientist Javo
I love how he refuses to use a pronoun
it must always be THE WARLORD
gellaho
This happened a lot quicker than I thought
jakesy, peloton snack
Shouldn’t he be the warrlorrd?
gellaho
0 to Hitler in 3 pages
Warlord of Arr, Scarrcastle, Warriarr, Mandarr
Alpha Scientist Javo
warriarr
are they space men or pirates
gellaho
They are evil dudes that live in a castle that want to eliminate light
Old Man Brendan
Peter David confirmed
jakesy, peloton snack
Hope they’ve set aside checks notes infinite time to find all the stars
gellaho
This is so bizarre
Alpha Scientist Javo
seems like a bad plan for dudes who fucking love lasers
Old Man Brendan
The villain is a Hitler apologist, but also he lives in Scarrcastle.
gellaho
Pirarr the suckup and the time-spanning machine
jakesy, peloton snack
I can’t wait to read about when they play laser tag with Hitler
gellaho
It's all just so much
GDC
All these names sound like first drafts of Masters of the Universe characters.
jakesy, peloton snack
This guy is so thirsty for Hitler
Hitler is going to see these guys and stuff them in herr lockers
gellaho
I wonder if he's going to change his name to Hitlarr
jakesy, peloton snack
Shut up arrdvarrrk I’m genociding here
Old Man Brendan
So are we going to find out how he learned earth's history faster than light could travel?
Pirarr and Warriarr in: The Road to Berlin!
gellaho
Buckle the fuck up
Old Man Brendan
The suffix -ARR denotes the warrior class of idiot.
jakesy, peloton snack
Why do they talk like pirates now
Old Man Brendan
Because of all the -ARRs
GDC
I can picture all of these action figures.
gellaho
They might be related to Hitler
Old Man Brendan
Didn't I say??
Alpha Scientist Javo
no seriously why are there no pronouns
Old Man Brendan
"We may be distantly related," just sliding that in there.
jakesy, peloton snack
They progressed from Hitlur to Hitlor and so forth until they ended up at Hitlar
gellaho
You may ask, can it get dumber?
Old Man Brendan
I hate space Nazis almost as much as American Nazis.
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahahaha
Old Man Brendan
Amarrica is under attack!
Alpha Scientist Javo
Hitlarr*
GDC
Harrtlarr
DeusExNonSequitur
If this is your plot after 7 pages, it's not too late to start over and do better.
Old Man Brendan
No, they stopped at Hitlar and used him as bait to catch Hitlarr.
Alpha Scientist Javo
oh my god they love him not because of genocide but because of a tortured connection to ARR
jakesy, peloton snack
Right now the power rankings of shittiest Nazis are
3) German Nazis
2) American Nazis
1) Space Nazis
Old Man Brendan
They come back with Bob Newharrt.
gellaho
This description does not match that cover
Old Man Brendan
Lou bitterly wondered who had cheated: his darling Nell or his daughter Sue-Ellen.
GDC
I don't think these similes are as evocative as he thinks.
DeusExNonSequitur
That's a simile that would embarrass SL Hunter
jakesy, peloton snack
Whoa now let’s not take it that far
Old Man Brendan
Supposing Hunter COULD feel embarrassment, how would that affect his lips?
jakesy, peloton snack
They would be as dry as a cats fur after a trip to Autozone in the desert
gellaho
Mustn't go two pages without saying Hitler in this laser tag book for children
Alpha Scientist Javo
HITLARR KILLED 6 MILLIONS JEWS, AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEIR MOST HOLY HOLIDAYS IS????
YOM KIPPARR!
gellaho
Intellistar
Old Man Brendan
From Grandpa's perspective his only grandson made up an insultingly dumb excuse to run out when he was about to open up about the worst day of his life.
jakesy, peloton snack
@Old Man Brendan M.O.T.H.E.R.
gellaho
You can tell they're the good guys because they employ young boys? teens?
And because it's not Intellistarr
Old Man Brendan
Child soldiers, go ahead and say it.
Alpha Scientist Javo
I cant fucking deal with these names
gellaho
I can feel the shame coming from this writing
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi Li, but my grandpa calls me Chrissie.
"From my perspective I was gone two weeks, fighting the blood-warriors or Arr's eternal darkness cult. But from Grandpa's, it was mere minutes. I returned to find him cold, still clutching that beer. This war cost me everything."
jakesy, peloton snack
Bhodi Li, frontman for the Indian Rush cover band
DeusExNonSequitur
Go find the nearest person and stare at them for a full 30 seconds. That's insane.
Old Man Brendan
It was a baleful stare.
gellaho
He just really wanted to bum out his grandfather before going on his space adventure
jakesy, peloton snack
Aw hell yeah laser tag time
gellaho
Come on, David
jakesy, peloton snack
But pobre grandpa, indeed
Old Man Brendan
...I think I pulled that time differential out of deepest memory.
DeusExNonSequitur
What kind of MLM scam does he work for? He has to buy tokens to save the universe?
Old Man Brendan
Intellistar will comp his T&E if he can get a receipt from the machine.
gellaho
Play Laser Tag kids! You'll love the sensation of a gun as an extension of yourself
jakesy, peloton snack
“Now take aim at those dirty blue liber- I mean your friends!”
gellaho
Lol, they play on carpet
This is just fucking laser tag
jakesy, peloton snack
Comet Man
He named himself Bhodi Li and everyone else is like “I’m Rocket!”
GDC
Bad news when you start to run out of good nicknames this fast.
DeusExNonSequitur
"zigzag or some other fancy maneuver"
This idiot thinks zigzagging is advanced fighting tactics.
Alpha Scientist Javo
Wait... Wildfire, Ace, Hotshot and he went with BHODI LI?
GDC
Maybe he was watching American Gladiators and it cut to commercial before he could steal any other names. Best he could do on his own was Comet Man.
gellaho
Photon energy
Old Man Brendan
it really feels like some '80s producer yoinked an Asian lead after the action scenes were shot, and said "No, get me a blue-eyed white kid with a round face and a skinny body!"
gellaho
I guess that girl's outfit on the cover is accurate
Old Man Brendan
This just sounds like he buys his drugs at the arcade.
DeusExNonSequitur
If you are going to make them 17, just go ahead and make them 18. We all know there's gonna be inappropriate sex stuff.
jakesy, peloton snack
He absolutely got here by huffing paint at the laser tag center
gellaho
Out-of-this-world female
jakesy, peloton snack
Cue up Neckbeard Ape
Old Man Brendan
Sounds like she should stay away from him.
If she fucks Bhodi Li, is Chris still a virgin?
jakesy, peloton snack
Chad Bhodi Li just cucking Chrissie all up and down the block
gellaho
Cyborg space station
gellaho
Truly a philosophical question for our times
DeusExNonSequitur
This kid sucks so much.
GDC
Its just made of meat, kid. Relax.
So are you.
Old Man Brendan
Your MOM ship has large bays and I docked in her last night
Takes a FTL beam to a cyborg mega-vessel in space to prevent the war for eternal darkness; is afraid to open up to coworkers.
gellaho
Does kind of seem like these guys went into space and transformed to go to a meeting
Also, lizard man and ten year old
DeusExNonSequitur
Is Parcival his real name, or is that the best superhero name this "genius" could come up with.
Alpha Scientist Javo
its not like hack writers havent used it before
Old Man Brendan
He's home-schooled and he's not allowed to watch cartoons, so Arthurian myth it is.
gellaho
And a magic cyborg
Old Man Brendan
If Parcival is killed, does Intellistar send MiBs to deliver the news to his mom and return a smoldering Radio Shack Tandy II casette from his backpack?
They should have recruited an all-Celtaric team, frankly.
gellaho
I cannot picture this
jakesy, peloton snack
Yeah that’s certainly a description of something
gellaho
So I guess Tivia is a 17 year old alien. Are those Earth years?
Old Man Brendan
So he's short, squat, and comes from a marsh planet?
gellaho
This Percival kid is a real dweeb
I mean, who would have guessed
Old Man Brendan
Look, it's war. These kids grew up the first day they painted each other with the blood of Arr.
If Arr has a time machine why are they fighting a traditional campaign?
gellaho
This kid has a hard time remembering Hitler
This takes place in 1986 btw
So that would be like not remembering 1986
jakesy, peloton snack
If you didn’t spend all your time huffing paint at the laser tag center and disappointing your grandpa BHODI, you would have known
Old Man Brendan
This is so funny, because The Warlord is actually what the Arr call Intellistar.
Well actually it's the Warrlord, but you get me.
gellaho
You know, blah blah, time travel
gellaho
That's right, feminists, where would you be without men's computers
jakesy, peloton snack
Checkmate, libs
DeusExNonSequitur
Are we supposed to hate Bhodi Lee? Because I hate Bhodi Lee.
jakesy, peloton snack
Planet Macchio lol
Fuckin karate kid planet
It’s a me, Macchio planet
gellaho
Human superiority can only be established in the Over the Top method
jakesy, peloton snack
I love that they keep capitalizing MOM because it just makes them sound petulant
GDC
well, ONE of the things.
Old Man Brendan
None of these people speaks German.
Well, probably Parcival does. Home school.
gellaho
This is already so stupid and we haven't gotten to the laser tag yet
GDC
this space meeting could have been a space email.
gellaho
David's got it, don't worry
Marbles
jakesy, peloton snack
God ok MOM
DeusExNonSequitur
They still can't speak German.
Old Man Brendan
Shouldn't they already have these, or did they learn Photese as part of their onboarding?
GDC
You're not my real MOM!
jakesy, peloton snack
“Don’t forget your coat sweetie” “Shut up MOM”
gellaho
Mom says you only get three tries on the transporter
Old Man Brendan
it's a modification of the mind-reading translator invented by a ten-year-old boy on an Apple IIe, said the sentient supercomputer.
GDC
It's the best we could do, apparently.
gellaho
Such intense combat
Old Man Brendan
Sounds like physically they pose no greater threat.
Bhodi Li bragging about seeing Star Trek in front of the warrior-princess he wants to kiss is an '80s self-own.
jakesy, peloton snack
No way I’m advanced enough to handle this, said MOM. I’m just a girl computer
gellaho
It's three on three Pirarr, Mandarr, and Destructrarr vs. Bhodi Li, Tivia, and Percival
Yeah, I wonder why
Old Man Brendan
Parcival loses to Pirarr, Bhodi Li beats Mandarr through luck, and Tivia slaughters Destructarr. Bet.
gellaho
The reason is time travel boners. I'm assuming
gellaho
You're forgetting about Hitler
Old Man Brendan
Hitler is the final boss.
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh shit Hitler is going to totally play laser tag with them isn’t he
Greg
Why do these kids need adult bodies if all combat is just laser tag plus nothing else
GDC
Very nice of the bad guys to have obvious laser-tag themed weak points.
gellaho
40 years old isn't ancient
jakesy, peloton snack
If only they could do something about those flashing plates!
gellaho
Bhodi is from 1986 not 2174
I think the bullets might do more damage than your "cool" laser gun
Old Man Brendan
So...the phasers can kill readily, but you still have to hit the plate?
I would have said their beliefs were the most ridiculous thing about the Nazis, but sure, go with Hugo Boss.
gellaho
There's no context to this, but I'm assuming this woman unimpressed with the laser guns comes back
DeusExNonSequitur
Do you think the author confused WWII with WWI spiked helmets?
gellaho
Jesus, this sucks
that's so annoying
DeusExNonSequitur
Yes, the 10-year-old is obviously a spy. Good work everyone.
jakesy, peloton snack
Alternate spelling of fuhrer aside, what is this shit?
gellaho
Fucking, what? Huh?
jakesy, peloton snack
Why don’t they just shoot them with the lasers
Old Man Brendan
The audacity of these people to be in the most populous city.
jakesy, peloton snack
Instead they become Power Rangers?
DeusExNonSequitur
Is linking arms a requirement before they can super jump?
gellaho
They shot the 10 year old
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha
Classic Nazis
Old Man Brendan
You get to be Golden Age Superman but your entire body is covered in targets that will...I guess send you home for an hour?
Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe
wait
Bhodi Li
Tivia
are...his main characters body parts
Bhodi Li: bodily
Tivia: tibia
gellaho
Really seems like they're overpowered
GDC
These child soldiers seem really incompetent.
Old Man Brendan
Alex Jones would shill for Arr.
gellaho
So I guess only the computer got shot. Why did that incapacitate him?
Old Man Brendan
He's a con arrtist.
jakesy, peloton snack
Wait so they shot a 10 year old in the back?
GDC
Also apparently advanced photon technology is easily defeated by pistols.
Old Man Brendan
They're Nazis
No just earth computers.
gellaho
"Make sure not to change the past" = laser ninja stars
gellaho
What tone is he trying to go for
jakesy, peloton snack
This is a super duper serious story about Nazis being defeated by glue-sniffing laser tag kids
Old Man Brendan
They can roll a truck, what do they care about shrapnel?
They jumped 18 feet in the air
jakesy, peloton snack
One of whom, the jailbait one, is wearing nothing but a fishnet onesie
And laser tag armor
Greg
I wish these kids stuck to the no future weapons rule. All having a 10 year old sneaking around garroting Nazis in the dark
Old Man Brendan
They have lasers, they should just run down the block shooting at the foundations.
Garroted by Parcival, the shame.
Behold the mastarr race
gellaho
That lady they saw is going to hide these people in an attic
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh no
Are they going to recruit Anne Frank for laser tag
gellaho
Fuck this kid is stupid
Old Man Brendan
And then have to return her to her place in the timestream. Who's the real monstarrs?
DeusExNonSequitur
He was born in the 50s, is 17 years old, and knows nothing about World War II despite his grandpa telling him war stories all the time.
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi's ignorance of the Nazi regime borders on willful.
jakesy, peloton snack
“Marshall Plan? Is that some sort of new video game or something?”
gellaho
The fucking whiplash
Old Man Brendan
"Actually, Tivia, the real numbers were closer to 1 million deaths across ALL undesirables. Most of the so-called missing merely fled."
He's jaunty, she's haughty. Can these two EVER get it on?
gellaho
Oh, you think Bhodi
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha
Old Man Brendan
Meuller
jakesy, peloton snack
Doing whippets and playing laser tag is exactly as taxing as saving Jews from the Nazis
gellaho
Armor, sure
jakesy, peloton snack
Literally a fishnet onesie
Old Man Brendan
Wearing conspicuous armor is making you vulnerable, you fool!
Greg
They had no way to know WW2 had guns or they would have worn real armor
gellaho
gellaho
Armor, sure
jakesy, peloton snack
Literally a fishnet onesie
Old Man Brendan
Wearing conspicuous armor is making you vulnerable, you fool!
Greg
They had no way to know WW2 had guns or they would have worn real armor
gellaho
GDC
Nobody expected that we would have to know history to go to the past!
jakesy, peloton snack
This level of ignorance would be like if one of us forgot 9/11
YOU NEVER FUCKING FORGET
gellaho
In case you forgot
gellaho
His grandfather was literally telling him about it before he left
Old Man Brendan
Peter David hates this protagonist and wants you to dislike teenagers too.
Greg
I'm still mad about the "Mein Kempf is that like Moby Dick?" bit
Old Man Brendan
The real criminal here is IntelliMOM, who recruits randos and gives them no field training on time-travel missions to save the universe.
Old Man Brendan
Literally one minute ago in Photime.
jakesy, peloton snack
Why doesn’t boy wonder Parcival here invent the Google if he’s so good at computers
Old Man Brendan
9/11 is my parents' anniversary so I can never forget.
jakesy, peloton snack
That’s certainly one way to remember it
gellaho
Seems like the warriarrs of Arr were captured immediately
Old Man Brendan
You know, the aliens, Fuehrer?
jakesy, peloton snack
They pointed their guns at the flashing plates on their chests, there was nothing the warriarrs could do
gellaho
This is so dumb
And the word count on Hitler is astronomical
I think a biography about Hitler might have less Hitlers
I love the parenthetical explanation of power ball. That's a mace. We have a word for that.
gellaho
"Arr, matey, we be needing him to take us to Hitler"
jakesy, peloton snack
Parcival hadn’t invented Google yet when this was written
Old Man Brendan
Worse, it's from Schliss's POV, so he shouldn't even know what a ballzeigpauer is.
gellaho
I can't stop laughing
gellaho
Hmmm
jakesy, peloton snack
Captain Jack Sparrrrow is about to make schloss walk the plank
Oh shit bang time
Old Man Brendan
Do the Warriarrs also have Parcival's jury-rigged translator?
gellaho
I think you might be able to get an impression of the lower half of her face, Bhodi
gellaho
So mysterious, what could be under that mesh?
jakesy, peloton snack
How would he do that, it’s completely covered by see through mesh
Alpha Scientist Javo
ok wait for so long this novel was really dumb kiddy shit and all a sudden it gets weird sex stuff
jakesy, peloton snack
To be fair Bhodi can barely figure out faces, he definitely doesn’t know what to do with boners
Old Man Brendan
David might have been working from the actual show: https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BZTZhYmI3ZDItYWMzYy00ZDc4LWE0N2EtOGNhNzJlOTJiMDU2L2ltYWdlL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMzAwMzY0MjE@._V1_FMjpg_UX1050_.jpg
DeusExNonSequitur
And they're both 17. Why do so many of these books have weirdly sexual teenagers?
It's like all these authors have memorized their speeches about the difference between pedophilia and ephebophilia.
gellaho
He certainly was
Turns out they whitewashed the cover, oops
Real good thing to do in your book with Hitler
jakesy, peloton snack
Not to defend Peters here but in 1986 I’m pretty sure the age of consent was like 15 so I think this is just us now realizing it’s gross
Alpha Scientist Javo
I mean if they are actually teenagers there is nothing weird about them being super horny
the weird part is the old dude writing about it
gellaho
The book's all like "it shouldn't matter what color your skin is," meanwhile the cover turned the main female character white
GDC
And a bunch of people reading it on the internet 35 years later
jakesy, peloton snack
Back then I’m sure they were like aww yeah she’s 17 clearly a woman
jakesy, peloton snack
Wait they’re both Black?
Did..did the cover artist not read the book?
gellaho
That's not what people call it
Alpha Scientist Javo
oh holy shit
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmm
DeusExNonSequitur
If the kid is this stupid, this whole thing must be a galactic Make-a-Wish fantasy.
gellaho
How the fuck do you not know this. He's 17 and all his grandfather does is talk about the war
Old Man Brendan
Parcival's translation app is jury-rigged. He's only 10.
Alpha Scientist Javo
crystal night if every other Friday at the women's new age clinic
gellaho
"Buh, Holocaust? Wuh?"
Alpha Scientist Javo
I am going to solve the holocaust with my laser pistol - Bodhi Li
Old Man Brendan
So here's the weird thing with Tivia. You see her above. This is the actress today:
gellaho
Wow
Old Man Brendan
NM, i found something amazing: https://www.photonforever.com/
Alpha Scientist Javo
wait I just realized if he is writing about tivia from the description in the show and he is being all horny about her he is more or less being horny about a real woman
Old Man Brendan
I feel this conversation is on repeat in north LA house parties.
jakesy, peloton snack
Lol
Old Man Brendan
My dude, RoboLobo was going to be the big reveal
Alpha Scientist Javo
We;re gonna laser tag the FUCK out of the horrors of WWII
Fuck you, woman trying to save people during the Holocaust! I got a high score in laser tag!
GDC
"Wait, you're from the 80s? How the fuck do you not know about any of this?"
gellaho
Tivia of Nivia
gellaho
This kid sucks
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha
Old Man Brendan
Tivia of Nivia???
jakesy, peloton snack
He’s mad that she’s thicc under that coat now
jakesy, peloton snack
Amazing
DeusExNonSequitur
Wait, she wraps a scarf around her face to cover the thing covering her face?
gellaho
What a coincidence
Old Man Brendan
On Nivia we have no gender roles. There is only combat.
gellaho
I wanna know j#how this happened
Old Man Brendan
"On Nivia, all people may carry the procreative yield. All reproduction is via traumatic insemination. I AM READY TO TAKE YOU, BODHI."
gellaho
Buh
jakesy, peloton snack
Oh no
GDC
Bhodi knows what that word means but not what the holocaust is.
Old Man Brendan
HEY
jakesy, peloton snack
gellaho
Oh, to have the confidence of a white writer in the 80s
Old Man Brendan
Let's keep it fun: https://www.tiviachickloveslasertag.com/
gellaho
I can't believe that didn't work
Old Man Brendan
That Nazi's the worst Nazi in this book who isn't Hitler.
jakesy, peloton snack
She’s uhhh. Still doing this
Amazing
Old Man Brendan
She loves what she loves and that's wonderful.
jakesy, peloton snack
In 2021. Still updating a laser tag blog
Old Man Brendan
One smooth motion from kicking a man away from you to pulling him back over a judo throw.
jakesy, peloton snack
Say what you want but she is committed
gellaho
If none of this is affecting the present, kill the Nazi
jakesy, peloton snack
Can play on my team any day
Old Man Brendan
Laser tag is fun, though.
If you can't kill a Nazi, maybe you shouldn't be a universal soldier.
gellaho
You can jump 12 feet in the air, but potholes will take them out every time
Old Man Brendan
The sad thing about PhoCon is it looks like only two people from the show attended.
gellaho
That's not, what?
gellaho
shocking
Old Man Brendan
Parcival's broken computer hacked the energy parasite.
They should have just sent Lord Baeton to kill Hitler. Done.
gellaho
probably
jakesy, peloton snack
Shouldn’t they be at least working their way toward Hitler
gellaho
Here he is
gellaho
jakesy, peloton snack
Beyond what haha
gellaho
David Peters is 2 for 2 on Rommel
it genuinely worries me
jakesy, peloton snack
He’s a liiiiiiitle too into Nazi culture
GDC
See, these guys did the reading.
gellaho
gellaho
Going back for seconds
gellaho
Fuck. Wow.
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmm
DeusExNonSequitur
This asshole only paid attention when Grandpa talked about racial purity.
Old Man Brendan
Arr did not send his best.
gellaho
Bhodi out here with his feminazi shit
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmmmmmm
Old Man Brendan
Counterpoint: Nivia has no Nazis, so maybe it is superior.
gellaho
I'm, uh
jakesy, peloton snack
“Hi, I’m TV’s David Peters and I’m here to tell you about Negging ™️ “
gellaho
The best neg is when you call a girl a Nazi
they love that
jakesy, peloton snack
Especially black girls
Old Man Brendan
All Bhodi had to do was take the win.
But no, "You--you kissed me!" like an amateur.
jakesy, peloton snack
It’s the first time his plan has actually worked
There was no next step
gellaho
Fuckin sweet burn, Tivia
Old Man Brendan
Very awkward to discover this is Tivia's thing.
did...they murder that Gestapo?
jakesy, peloton snack
I can see why the cover artist assumed they were white
gellaho
Twas karate
Old Man Brendan
Ooh, '80s karate, that Nazi's definitely dead.
gellaho
This is the laziest shit
Old Man Brendan
"I am a 17-year-old Colonel in Oberstleutnant's garb."
jakesy, peloton snack
My name is Nein Frankfurter
DeusExNonSequitur
That's the second reference to Hogan's Heroes and we're still supposed to believe this kid knew nothing about Nazis?
gellaho
What a hilarious joke
jakesy, peloton snack
This is my partner, Hawkeye
gellaho
Motherfucker, you know Charlie Chaplin
But not Hitler
Old Man Brendan
He only saw Charlie Chaplin once
DeusExNonSequitur
Ironically he knows about Chaplin from The Great Dictator, but still doesn't know Hitler.
gellaho
Really
jakesy, peloton snack
Lol
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi backing off his intimidation of this nazi
gellaho
And right after that comical shit, boom concentration camp
gellaho
Very next page: Star Trek joke
Old Man Brendan
Peter David loves Star Trek. It is known.
jakesy, peloton snack
Tivia of Nivia about to defeat the gestapo with FACTS AND LOGIC
gellaho
Tivia must come from an itsy-bitsy planet
Old Man Brendan
They don't even have men, I'm not sure how they have two people on her planet.
DeusExNonSequitur
To be fair they have no men, and it's unclear how they reproduce.
jakesy, peloton snack
So he didn’t know kristallnacht or Hitler but he knows Dachau
Old Man Brendan
He only pays attention to the parts of history class that give him an erection.
GDC
I mean,
jakesy, peloton snack
There has to be a Star Trek where Peter David and Simon Hawke collide, right?
The real two most powerful forces in the galaxy
gellaho
Using the transporter to save one holocaust victim
jakesy, peloton snack
I do appreciate that the goal here is not to stop Hitler, but to stop alien pirates from contacting Hitler
DeusExNonSequitur
I like the decision to write a book series marketing a toy, then sending the characters to a time (in book #1) where they can't use their toys.
Old Man Brendan
This is book ONE?
gellaho
ahuh
Old Man Brendan
Bhodi Li faces the train dilemma, except the train is running on time.
gellaho
Bhodi has three teleports and he used one to interrogate an old man, and another to run away
jakesy, peloton snack
Can his last teleport be to wish for more teleports?
gellaho
The balls to do this in a book (presumably) about laser tag
There's literally not been any laser tag
jakesy, peloton snack
If they don’t end up laser tagging with Hitler I’m going to lose my shit
Old Man Brendan
I don't want to minimize the horrors of WWII, but I do feel the end of all light would be a worse deal for the universe.
What are we going to do if Wolfenstein Guy bursts in at the final chapter and screams, "He's MINE!"
jakesy, peloton snack
I mean that’s just good writing
Just have to tip your hat
gellaho
This is fucking dark
jakesy, peloton snack
Hahaha fuck them kids, Bhodi says
Jesus what is with these people
JCantrell
I just got home, did bodhi send several train cars of people to die in the holocaust?
gellaho
OK, so I guess he actually strayed with the rest of the train
jakesy, peloton snack
“I could save all of them, but that seems hard and I’m tired. One car will do”
gellaho
That was phrased weirdly
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmm
JCantrell
The book wanted to trick us, for reasons unclear
jakesy, peloton snack
Ok slightly better
gellaho
Which I guess means he just left the car with Gretta to fend for itself
jakesy, peloton snack
Still not ideal
DeusExNonSequitur
Who wants to bet me that drastically altering history won't be addressed or even acknowledged by the end?
JCantrell
"fuck you grettaaaaaaaaaaaa"
jakesy, peloton snack
I mean even so, if you have the chance to stop Hitler here you gotta take it, consequences be damned
gellaho
Whacky hijinks on the train to the concentration camp
gellaho
I'm a little unclear about how these people are going to get away if he got caught
jakesy, peloton snack
But also, you already altered the history man. Just start wasting Nazis with your space laser
I promise you god won’t be crying over dead Nazis
gellaho
Bhodi meets Hitler
DeusExNonSequitur
Every one of these people is going to die. If he had done nothing, a few might have survived.
gellaho
God, his brain is made of soup
jakesy, peloton snack
“D...Dachau Day? Is that right?”
gellaho
Oh, get absolutely fucked David
jakesy, peloton snack
Is Indiana Jones canon
DeusExNonSequitur
it's real to me
gellaho
Spielberg knew to make his fun adventure story and his holocaust drama two different movies
Greg
This is stupid but more entertaining than Hardy Boys and better written than the last two Steele books
Not that I acknowledge them as canon
gellaho
This kid is just the dumbest
gellaho
Women? Amirite?
gellaho
The laser tag equipment is sacred
DeusExNonSequitur
Did they find him? Because he used his laser tag gun to shoot the train. He didn't leave it behind.
gellaho
they've locked onto the translation marble in his ear. Still haven't found him
Tivia walked into a dark room and got choked
DeusExNonSequitur
Parcival has literally done nothing. MOM lied and said he invented the translator instead of her, and that's it.
jakesy, peloton snack
Need to differentiate between choke (sexual) and choke (non-sexual)
I guess that’s the problem with casting a 10 year old, they’re pretty useless overall
gellaho
Photon Strength!
DeusExNonSequitur
I promise all chokes in this book are sexual.
JCantrell
You can have non sexual choking? Man just when I thought I understood mma
gellaho
It allows you to rend iron from concrete
gellaho
This is what he can remember about WWII
gellaho
It was Bhodi, so sexual
jakesy, peloton snack
Moaning, got it
DeusExNonSequitur
Bullshit. There's no way he remembered the Prime Minister's address but not D-Day.
gellaho
or the Holocaust
DeusExNonSequitur
or Hitler, but somehow Charlie Chaplin
gellaho
He fucking did it
gellaho
Hitlarr
We've entered new realms of stupid
WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEE WINSTON CHURCHILL. YOU KNOW THE SPACE PIRATES AND HITLER ARE HERE
DeusExNonSequitur
What's his plan, to tell Winston Churchill what Churchill's own plan is?
"Winston, there's going to be Operation Overlord at Omaha Beach"
"I Fucking Know!"
gellaho
gellaho
It's just...so stupid
This book is almost over and there has been 0 laser tag
This is so they could get a ride to D-day
gellaho
gellaho
A Three Stooges routine at Normandy
JCantrell
This books tone is wildly inconsistent
DeusExNonSequitur
How fortunate that Bhodi Li's enemies are the only people alive stupider than him
gellaho
Finally
gellaho
What a coincidence
gellaho
Even now, they refuse to use the lasers and are doing hand-to-hand
jakesy, peloton snack
Is this going to become a Fry-being-his-own-grandpa situation
gellaho
First Laser tagging
gellaho
Second laser tagging with bonus grenade
jakesy, peloton snack
Hell yeah laser tag action
gellaho
Destructarr didn't even get laser tagged
gellaho
That grenade destroyed the warlord of Arr's time machine
GDC
Future technology sucks.
gellaho
Only at the very end do the interesting characters return
gellaho
Looks like MOM is dying
gellaho
Turns out the woman that hid him was his grandmother. Somehow he didn't know that either
gellaho
And that's it
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmmm
gellaho
We end with Bhodi literally not knowing his own grandmother's name
I have conquered Photon: For the Glory
It's weird to talk about Hitler that much and then not have him involved in anything
jakesy, peloton snack
Yeah Hitler really didn’t do a whole lot in this book
GDC
Hitler is the most competent character in the book.
jakesy, peloton snack
More like Didn’t do Shitler in this book
#shakedown
gellaho
Hopefully nobody takes this out of context
jakesy, peloton snack
Hmmmm. Yeah not ideal
See now that’s why you need an edit button
gellaho
That was a wildly stupid book
but pretty solid comedy material
jakesy, peloton snack
Yeah it was for sure entertaining and only moderately racist
gellaho
I think that was my favorite book since Jagged Steele. Whims of Creation was pretty good, but I didn't do a live read of that
much better than Psi-Man
jakesy, peloton snack
We should do Hawkes first novel
Unless I missed it
gellaho
I haven't done that yet
This book promised Hitler and delivered. Unlike Psi-Man which promised a Mind-Force warrior and delivered a Quaker pacifist
jakesy, peloton snack
Yeah it’s definitely a top 5 if not top 3
Old Man Brendan
My God, he went full Bugs Bunny.
gellaho
he certainly did
he somehow remembered that, but not the Holocaust
Bhodi Li is the dumbest protagonist
GDC
So did it ever explain why he has to play laser tag place to go to space? Is that step necessary?
gellaho
No. I guess that's just where they pick them up?
Old Man Brendan
why didn't the phaser/photon blow up the boulder?
gellaho
I guess they needed two lasers
Old Man Brendan
Photon tech will blow anything it hits to hell, unless it hits the target on your chest, in which case, you return to home base, and this is the true defeat for a warrior.
Anyway, here for your emoji:
gellaho
Old Man Brendan
Baeton looks like Butthole Surfers showing up in a Primus video.
.jpg)
