13: For the Glory David Peters

gellaho

That's not what people call it

Alpha Scientist Javo

oh holy shit

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmm

DeusExNonSequitur

If the kid is this stupid, this whole thing must be a galactic Make-a-Wish fantasy.

gellaho

How the fuck do you not know this. He's 17 and all his grandfather does is talk about the war

Old Man Brendan

Parcival's translation app is jury-rigged. He's only 10.

Alpha Scientist Javo

crystal night if every other Friday at the women's new age clinic

gellaho

"Buh, Holocaust? Wuh?"

Alpha Scientist Javo

I am going to solve the holocaust with my laser pistol - Bodhi Li

Old Man Brendan

So here's the weird thing with Tivia. You see her above. This is the actress today:

gellaho

Wow

Old Man Brendan

NM, i found something amazing: https://www.photonforever.com/

Alpha Scientist Javo

wait I just realized if he is writing about tivia from the description in the show and he is being all horny about her he is more or less being horny about a real woman

Old Man Brendan

I feel this conversation is on repeat in north LA house parties.

jakesy, peloton snack

Lol

Old Man Brendan

My dude, RoboLobo was going to be the big reveal

Alpha Scientist Javo

We;re gonna laser tag the FUCK out of the horrors of WWII

jakesy, peloton snack

Oh dammit I ruined the bit

Mea culpa @Old Man Brendan

gellaho

Oh, shit the magic robot is Robo Lionel Ritchie

Jesus Christ

jakesy, peloton snack

I can’t stop laughing at it though

Old Man Brendan

https://m.media-amazon.com/images/M/MV5BODk4ZWE2NDctNWE3ZC00ZmNiLThmMTYtMWYwMGQyOTcxNGMyL2ltYWdlL2ltYWdlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMzAwMzY0MjE@._V1_FMjpg_UX600_.jpg

Old Man Brendan

You can't ruin something this wonderful.

You can only illuminate it.

gellaho

Fuck you, woman trying to save people during the Holocaust! I got a high score in laser tag!

GDC

"Wait, you're from the 80s? How the fuck do you not know about any of this?"

gellaho

Tivia of Nivia

gellaho

This kid sucks

jakesy, peloton snack

Hahaha

Old Man Brendan

Tivia of Nivia???

jakesy, peloton snack

He’s mad that she’s thicc under that coat now

jakesy, peloton snack

Amazing

DeusExNonSequitur

Wait, she wraps a scarf around her face to cover the thing covering her face?

gellaho

What a coincidence

Old Man Brendan

On Nivia we have no gender roles. There is only combat.

gellaho

I wanna know j#how this happened

Old Man Brendan

"On Nivia, all people may carry the procreative yield. All reproduction is via traumatic insemination. I AM READY TO TAKE YOU, BODHI."

gellaho

Buh

jakesy, peloton snack

Oh no

GDC

Bhodi knows what that word means but not what the holocaust is.

Old Man Brendan

HEY

jakesy, peloton snack

gellaho

Oh, to have the confidence of a white writer in the 80s

Old Man Brendan

Let's keep it fun: https://www.tiviachickloveslasertag.com/

gellaho

I can't believe that didn't work

Old Man Brendan

That Nazi's the worst Nazi in this book who isn't Hitler.

jakesy, peloton snack

She’s uhhh. Still doing this

Amazing

Old Man Brendan

She loves what she loves and that's wonderful.

jakesy, peloton snack

In 2021. Still updating a laser tag blog

Old Man Brendan

One smooth motion from kicking a man away from you to pulling him back over a judo throw.

jakesy, peloton snack

Say what you want but she is committed

gellaho

If none of this is affecting the present, kill the Nazi

jakesy, peloton snack

Can play on my team any day

Old Man Brendan

Laser tag is fun, though.

If you can't kill a Nazi, maybe you shouldn't be a universal soldier.

gellaho

You can jump 12 feet in the air, but potholes will take them out every time

Old Man Brendan

The sad thing about PhoCon is it looks like only two people from the show attended.

gellaho

That's not, what?

gellaho

shocking

Old Man Brendan

Parcival's broken computer hacked the energy parasite.

They should have just sent Lord Baeton to kill Hitler. Done.

gellaho

probably

jakesy, peloton snack

Shouldn’t they be at least working their way toward Hitler

gellaho

Here he is

gellaho

jakesy, peloton snack

Beyond what haha

gellaho

David Peters is 2 for 2 on Rommel

it genuinely worries me

jakesy, peloton snack

He’s a liiiiiiitle too into Nazi culture

GDC

See, these guys did the reading.

gellaho

gellaho

Going back for seconds

gellaho

Fuck. Wow.

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmm

DeusExNonSequitur

This asshole only paid attention when Grandpa talked about racial purity.

Old Man Brendan

Arr did not send his best.

gellaho

Bhodi out here with his feminazi shit

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmmmmmm

Old Man Brendan

Counterpoint: Nivia has no Nazis, so maybe it is superior.

gellaho

I'm, uh

jakesy, peloton snack

“Hi, I’m TV’s David Peters and I’m here to tell you about Negging ™️ “

gellaho

The best neg is when you call a girl a Nazi

they love that

jakesy, peloton snack

Especially black girls

Old Man Brendan

All Bhodi had to do was take the win.

But no, "You--you kissed me!" like an amateur.

jakesy, peloton snack

It’s the first time his plan has actually worked

There was no next step

gellaho

Fuckin sweet burn, Tivia

Old Man Brendan

Very awkward to discover this is Tivia's thing.

did...they murder that Gestapo?

jakesy, peloton snack

I can see why the cover artist assumed they were white

gellaho

Twas karate

Old Man Brendan

Ooh, '80s karate, that Nazi's definitely dead.

gellaho

This is the laziest shit

Old Man Brendan

"I am a 17-year-old Colonel in Oberstleutnant's garb."

jakesy, peloton snack

My name is Nein Frankfurter

DeusExNonSequitur

That's the second reference to Hogan's Heroes and we're still supposed to believe this kid knew nothing about Nazis?

gellaho

What a hilarious joke

jakesy, peloton snack

This is my partner, Hawkeye

gellaho

Motherfucker, you know Charlie Chaplin

But not Hitler

Old Man Brendan

He only saw Charlie Chaplin once

DeusExNonSequitur

Ironically he knows about Chaplin from The Great Dictator, but still doesn't know Hitler.

gellaho

Really

jakesy, peloton snack

Lol

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

Bhodi backing off his intimidation of this nazi

gellaho

And right after that comical shit, boom concentration camp

gellaho

Very next page: Star Trek joke

Old Man Brendan

Peter David loves Star Trek. It is known.

jakesy, peloton snack

Tivia of Nivia about to defeat the gestapo with FACTS AND LOGIC

gellaho

Tivia must come from an itsy-bitsy planet

Old Man Brendan

They don't even have men, I'm not sure how they have two people on her planet.

DeusExNonSequitur

To be fair they have no men, and it's unclear how they reproduce.

jakesy, peloton snack

So he didn’t know kristallnacht or Hitler but he knows Dachau

Old Man Brendan

He only pays attention to the parts of history class that give him an erection.

GDC

I mean,

jakesy, peloton snack

There has to be a Star Trek where Peter David and Simon Hawke collide, right?

The real two most powerful forces in the galaxy

gellaho

Using the transporter to save one holocaust victim

jakesy, peloton snack

I do appreciate that the goal here is not to stop Hitler, but to stop alien pirates from contacting Hitler

DeusExNonSequitur

I like the decision to write a book series marketing a toy, then sending the characters to a time (in book #1) where they can't use their toys.

Old Man Brendan

This is book ONE?

gellaho

ahuh

Old Man Brendan

Bhodi Li faces the train dilemma, except the train is running on time.

gellaho

Bhodi has three teleports and he used one to interrogate an old man, and another to run away

jakesy, peloton snack

Can his last teleport be to wish for more teleports?

gellaho

The balls to do this in a book (presumably) about laser tag

There's literally not been any laser tag

jakesy, peloton snack

If they don’t end up laser tagging with Hitler I’m going to lose my shit

Old Man Brendan

I don't want to minimize the horrors of WWII, but I do feel the end of all light would be a worse deal for the universe.

What are we going to do if Wolfenstein Guy bursts in at the final chapter and screams, "He's MINE!"

jakesy, peloton snack

I mean that’s just good writing

Just have to tip your hat

gellaho

This is fucking dark

jakesy, peloton snack

Hahaha fuck them kids, Bhodi says

Jesus what is with these people

JCantrell

I just got home, did bodhi send several train cars of people to die in the holocaust?

gellaho

OK, so I guess he actually strayed with the rest of the train

jakesy, peloton snack

“I could save all of them, but that seems hard and I’m tired. One car will do”

gellaho

That was phrased weirdly

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmm

JCantrell

The book wanted to trick us, for reasons unclear

jakesy, peloton snack

Ok slightly better

gellaho

Which I guess means he just left the car with Gretta to fend for itself

jakesy, peloton snack

Still not ideal

DeusExNonSequitur

Who wants to bet me that drastically altering history won't be addressed or even acknowledged by the end?

JCantrell

"fuck you grettaaaaaaaaaaaa"

jakesy, peloton snack

I mean even so, if you have the chance to stop Hitler here you gotta take it, consequences be damned

gellaho

Whacky hijinks on the train to the concentration camp

gellaho

I'm a little unclear about how these people are going to get away if he got caught

jakesy, peloton snack

But also, you already altered the history man. Just start wasting Nazis with your space laser

I promise you god won’t be crying over dead Nazis

gellaho

Bhodi meets Hitler

DeusExNonSequitur

Every one of these people is going to die. If he had done nothing, a few might have survived.

gellaho

God, his brain is made of soup

jakesy, peloton snack

“D...Dachau Day? Is that right?”

gellaho

Oh, get absolutely fucked David

jakesy, peloton snack

Is Indiana Jones canon

DeusExNonSequitur

it's real to me

gellaho

Spielberg knew to make his fun adventure story and his holocaust drama two different movies

Greg

This is stupid but more entertaining than Hardy Boys and better written than the last two Steele books

Not that I acknowledge them as canon

gellaho

This kid is just the dumbest

gellaho

Women? Amirite?

gellaho

The laser tag equipment is sacred

DeusExNonSequitur

Did they find him? Because he used his laser tag gun to shoot the train. He didn't leave it behind.

gellaho

they've locked onto the translation marble in his ear. Still haven't found him

Tivia walked into a dark room and got choked

DeusExNonSequitur

Parcival has literally done nothing. MOM lied and said he invented the translator instead of her, and that's it.

jakesy, peloton snack

Need to differentiate between choke (sexual) and choke (non-sexual)

I guess that’s the problem with casting a 10 year old, they’re pretty useless overall

gellaho

Photon Strength!

DeusExNonSequitur

I promise all chokes in this book are sexual.

JCantrell

You can have non sexual choking? Man just when I thought I understood mma

gellaho

It allows you to rend iron from concrete

gellaho

This is what he can remember about WWII

gellaho

It was Bhodi, so sexual

jakesy, peloton snack

Moaning, got it

DeusExNonSequitur

Bullshit. There's no way he remembered the Prime Minister's address but not D-Day.

gellaho

or the Holocaust

DeusExNonSequitur

or Hitler, but somehow Charlie Chaplin

gellaho

He fucking did it

gellaho

Hitlarr

We've entered new realms of stupid

WHY ARE YOU GOING TO SEE WINSTON CHURCHILL. YOU KNOW THE SPACE PIRATES AND HITLER ARE HERE

DeusExNonSequitur

What's his plan, to tell Winston Churchill what Churchill's own plan is?

"Winston, there's going to be Operation Overlord at Omaha Beach"

"I Fucking Know!"

gellaho

gellaho

It's just...so stupid

This book is almost over and there has been 0 laser tag

This is so they could get a ride to D-day

gellaho

gellaho

A Three Stooges routine at Normandy

JCantrell

This books tone is wildly inconsistent

DeusExNonSequitur

How fortunate that Bhodi Li's enemies are the only people alive stupider than him

gellaho

Finally

gellaho

What a coincidence

gellaho

Even now, they refuse to use the lasers and are doing hand-to-hand

jakesy, peloton snack

Is this going to become a Fry-being-his-own-grandpa situation

gellaho

First Laser tagging

gellaho

Second laser tagging with bonus grenade

jakesy, peloton snack

Hell yeah laser tag action

gellaho

Destructarr didn't even get laser tagged

gellaho

That grenade destroyed the warlord of Arr's time machine

GDC

Future technology sucks.

gellaho

Only at the very end do the interesting characters return

gellaho

Looks like MOM is dying

gellaho

Turns out the woman that hid him was his grandmother. Somehow he didn't know that either

gellaho

And that's it

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmmm

gellaho

We end with Bhodi literally not knowing his own grandmother's name

I have conquered Photon: For the Glory

It's weird to talk about Hitler that much and then not have him involved in anything

jakesy, peloton snack

Yeah Hitler really didn’t do a whole lot in this book

GDC

Hitler is the most competent character in the book.

jakesy, peloton snack

More like Didn’t do Shitler in this book

#shakedown

gellaho

Hopefully nobody takes this out of context

jakesy, peloton snack

Hmmmm. Yeah not ideal

See now that’s why you need an edit button

gellaho

That was a wildly stupid book

but pretty solid comedy material

jakesy, peloton snack

Yeah it was for sure entertaining and only moderately racist

gellaho

I think that was my favorite book since Jagged Steele. Whims of Creation was pretty good, but I didn't do a live read of that

much better than Psi-Man

jakesy, peloton snack

We should do Hawkes first novel

Unless I missed it

gellaho

I haven't done that yet

This book promised Hitler and delivered. Unlike Psi-Man which promised a Mind-Force warrior and delivered a Quaker pacifist

jakesy, peloton snack

Yeah it’s definitely a top 5 if not top 3

Old Man Brendan

My God, he went full Bugs Bunny.

gellaho

he certainly did

he somehow remembered that, but not the Holocaust

Bhodi Li is the dumbest protagonist

GDC

So did it ever explain why he has to play laser tag place to go to space? Is that step necessary?

gellaho

No. I guess that's just where they pick them up?

Old Man Brendan

why didn't the phaser/photon blow up the boulder?

gellaho

I guess they needed two lasers

Old Man Brendan

Photon tech will blow anything it hits to hell, unless it hits the target on your chest, in which case, you return to home base, and this is the true defeat for a warrior.

Anyway, here for your emoji:

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

Baeton looks like Butthole Surfers showing up in a Primus video.

Leon

GDC

Okay I actually like that one.

Old Man Brendan

Mirrarr or Mastarr or whomever

Mandarr