I have listened to the will of the people. The next book will be The Hardy Boys Casefiles(tm) #80: Dead of Night. This book promises multiple counts of murder including the Hardy Boys' mother. Will Joe Hardy add Frank to the list of the dead? Or will the inevitable cop out dampen our spirits? Find out this Friday, 5pm Eastern.
Discord has decided to be difficult
Will it work now
Huzzah
Sure did
Ah, the spectre of a naked woman compels Frank to murder Joe at last.
Holy hell. Ghost Burglar has an Uzi/AK-47! (edited)
The artist perfectly captured what a dweeb Frank is with his collared shirt/sweater combo.
Also, it looks like Joe's hand gets Ethan'd. Really looking forward to that.
Joe Hardy Ethan Winters
Hand trauma (edited)
A little under an hour before the spoooooky reading of The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #80: Dead of Night. Here's a fratricidal preview
If Joe starts talking about the Deep State, I'm sitting this one out
Calling it now. That's the end of a chapter and the next sentence is “Frank ducked.”
someone please ping me so I don't miss this one
Should be starting soon
Ty
Two minutes
To start, here's the first time I've encountered backstory
Couldn't spend another ten seconds on another name for their spy network?
They're frenemies with this mysterious spy
Was Ring of Evil the previous book?
I've missed quite a bit it seems
This is quite the escalation
Holy shit, that's SPECTRE-level
Reminder: 7 Books ago they were solving a counterfeit rap CD ring
Ah, the halcyon days of the '90s. When terrorists just terrorized people, and had no political agenda.
We've clearly taken a step backward
#79 was about prop planes
so I have no idea where this is from
🤷♂️
Maybe we're seeing how Joe interprets the world
Maybe
There's no way Joe is upset over a woman dying
If I understand the blond v blonde thing correctly, this means the Hardys are going to be with two men
That tracks
The story in the exposition sounds way more interesting than the actual plot of the book.
Joe Hardy is just a hate-filled prick
"I hope you get diabetes!"
I want to go back to Joe "helping the prosecution with all his might." He's not a lawyer or a cop. He can testify, but this implies he's going to lie.
This Vanessa is so dead
Womp womp
Vanessa and Joe's first date is going to be him describing Iola's charred corpse in detail
And knowing Joe, he'll be caught in an explosion at least once during the date. Hopefully that's enough red flags for Vanessa.
These people either named their boat after their daughter or vice versa
"I named my daughter after the only thing important to me"
That was fast
be sure to mention the boat first though
hahaha
JFC
Get in the fridge, Vanessa.
Vanessa Bender was absolutely the girl that turned down Frank Dixon in school
"I'LL KILL YOU TO PREVENT YOU FROM DYING" - Frank
*one of his many ghost writers
Vanessa, your purpose in life was to motivate a shitty teenage boy to interfere with a police investigation.
"No offense, Joe, but have you considered never loving? Because your affection is clearly a curse"
I doubt that
Joe knows an open challenge when he sees one
We're grading 'stupid' on a pretty steep curve here.
You know the fire marshal for the harbor patrol? I didn't even know that was a thing
That is 3 dead girlfriends mentioned so far. Gina, dead by assassin. Iowa, killed by terrorist bomb, and Vanessa, burned to a crisp in white hot flames
Vanessa is totally alive and scamming right?
The girl not the boat
In a normal universe Joe would be considered prime suspect in the Bayport High Serial Killer investigation.
"Listen, kid, boats explode all the time. There's nothing to see here"
"Yes my name is Fischer and yes I work at the harbor"
"I'm not good at my job and this whiskey won't drink itself."
boats are made out of gasoline and coal, you know
Fischer Boatman
It was probably one of those newfangled boats with a computer on it.
You know what I love to do when I'm sick? Travel.
"I have Don't-be-near-my-horrible-sons-itis"
Joe's entered his emo phase
"I've got some sort of virus. I haven't been feeling well since I ate that bat."
Yes, everyone that gets upset on a pier is suicidal
Oh god, ratings are down and her virus is the third Hardy brother.
even if he shot himself the bullet would bounce off his titanium fucking skull
Also I've been in constant danger every second of my life with no consequences and had no reason to think running into fire would harm me
100% mother Hardy hates her mother in law
Wait, does Joe hate women because they aren't bomb-proof?
Sick people don't tidy up and decorate
she has "your aunt is a bitch" disease
Spoooooooky
"Check the stove, Joe. I hope you like rabbit."
You must be loving this book @gellaho. It's the fuck with Joe special edition.
This does feel special. And the last Photon book was the fuck with Bhodi edition
Joe threatens to punch a lady ghost in the face
Joe, you could kick the ground and miss, don't act like you wouldn't immediately eat shit and have frank bail you out
Joe Hardy is getting Scrooged.
Dork
"Now if Morgan Freeman said there would be more deaths, I'd like the sound of it"
The. Boat. Exploded.
"Thank God I took that aquatic arson class at the community college. I'm fully qualified to investigate this."
The Hardys have been in so many explosions they don't even register them anymore
it'd take a tungsten bomb or possibly a gender reveal party to truly kill them
DOOOOOOORK
Joe know a lot about going off prematurely. Heyoooo!
Also, yeah, DOOOOOORK
"It's not like we've gotten any death threats" FRANK, DID YOU FORGET THE CALL JOE JUST HAD
Do boats just spew gas fumes inside?
How big was this boat to have an engine room?
It was the biggest boat in the bay is all we know.
I've known plenty of people that have owned house boats, it wouldn't surprise me
I think we just have to accept that in the Hardy universe, things just explode a lot more.
No joke, I've seen "milk and cookies" more times in this book than in an encyclopedia about Santa
if it were anyone other than joe that would be adorable
Also, milk and cookies? How old are you?
"What's the matter, Joe? Would you prefer a juice box and some SpongeBob fruit snacks?"
Oh, do you think?
What kind of baby gets nauseous from seeing a human being explode?
Joe: what is...trauma? is it a food? is that why I feel sick?
"Joe mom's not sick. She just hates grandma. Now clean your girlfriend out of your scalp and let's go."
Hardy's are somehow being gassed in their own home
Their mom disappeared, suspicious
depending on what they're huffing, they could already be dead and not know it
but who am I kidding
Mom "forgot" to tell them she's having the house fumigated
Som'thin' bad hap'nin'
the house will explode and frank will sail on the unbreakable body of joe as the ride the blast wave
Gotta question the first apostrophe in "som'thin'"
does this author pronounce the "e" in "something?"
som-eh-thing
I would have changed the TH to an F
Frank takes every opportunity to do his racist minstrel act
somëthing
Girlfriend to the rescue
Apostrophe control is the first thing to go when poisoned
You know how you refer to your girlfriend by her full Christian name?
Joe: rescued by a girl? just let me die!
I mean, Frank might. He's a huge dork
Little did Callie know, they did
"We did. It's Father's milk."
Callie knows Frank is too much of a robot to comfort his brother
So did they just hallucinate their mother?
yeah where the fuck did she go?
they seem unconcerned
they were gassed, so I guess they can have a pass
J/k poison candles
I have so many questions
THAT'S
NOT HOW THAT WORKS
WHAT
Yankee Candle: the gritty reboot
there are old detective stories with poisoned candles?
I believe they've been gassed enough to know how to deal with it by now
I'm surprised they aren't immune
Their livers are shriveled and dry
Like knots of driftwood
the amount of candles that would be required for them to get gassed like that would be like
they'd need to have the whole house lit by candlelight
"haha, old detective stories," said the legacy character.
Mom's at the store to get treats for the children. There's no way she's sick
Mom's gonna Typhoid Mary the whole block
That's grim
"You burned to death? Show me your face!"
The books are acknowledging Joe's invulnerability. I don't care for that
funny, I was expecting them to become self-aware in the VR one
Excuse me.
Fuckin what
WHAT
WHAT
How did Simon Hawke get in here?
WAIT
I CALLED THIS WITH BAD RAP
WHAT THE FUCK
Oh shit, Ferroday. They're in your head
@Thick Bringing it Hard Javo You read these Hardy Boys books, did you know about the evil clones?
I have to admit, I was not expecting to be right about AI cyborg hardy boys
I did not
of all things
No one should expect that!
It's very weird
@hot beige jakesy Simon Hawke got mixed up with the Hardy Boys somehow
all this to fuck with a couple of teenage detectives? aren't hit squads cheaper?
Hit squads require insurance
Maine is where you build your secret evil base
why is it always Lazarus
pick another resurrection myth
Phoenix sounds too metal
Callie looking for sweet death
look, thinking is hard
Even better, don't give the front for your illegal operation a coded name.
they called the secret spy network "Network"
so what's the over/under on the plane exploding?
like how Simon Hawke named his secret organization "The Organization"
I give it 50/50 odds it doesn't leave the ground
I want a burning crash landing, Dixon, you coward(s)
Wait, he had trouble getting a rental car from an airport?
If Callie's the only one onboard or the one flying, it might happen
OK, I guess not
I know you have to pad your wordcount sweatshop writer, but that's not where you do it.
"Hardy boys want a rental car? Fuck that! You'll get it blown up or shot!"
Has Callie appeared in any of the other books?
probably
I always enjoy seeing the end of the chapters
She's mentioned in all of them, but this is the first one we've read where she actually showed up.
She was feature heavily in the karate book
But Frank has had the same girlfriend in all the books I've read
oh yeah!
Oh shit, they're in RE2
But the earliest I've read is 45
hey you know that karate dojo explosion was based on a real life thing right?
AKA Karate Arcade
like of all things an exploding dojo is the closest the hardys have gotten to reality
I need to read all your comments on that one
Murder time
holy shit it really is Mr. X
Part of it involves lurking in underground tunnels. That one was a partial dud
nevertheless, it is archived http://www.gellaho.com/books/67-45-in-self-defense
I will say that at least this book has had shit going on
Right on. I still enjoyed everybody's comments on the rap one
even if they've made no headway on the actual mystery
Bad Rap was like, a no-budget episode where they had to re-use the same 4 sets
it's mostly them just dying
Works for me!
The ninja scene did a lot of the lifting
conspicuous lack of ninjas in the karate book
such a disappointment
This girl is annoying too
Mr. X left to go torment a Redfield
The white rapper's room number was 420 in Bad Rap. It was so wonderfully stupid
So he totally kicked their asses, but left anyway?
Hahaha, I forgot that part
And we still have no idea if that was a joke.
STILL NO IDEA
Yeah, you knock down Mr. X, you either leave or he does
Oh, no. Frank left
Are we left with Joe?
where the fuck is Allagash?
Maine, I guess
Five hundred miles from...wait, where the hell are we?
they're somewhere near New York
Somewhere near water, anyway.
wait, 2 hours?
bullshit
it's a fucking cessna right?
top speed is barely over 120
it's like 4 hours at minimum
Crashing gets them there faster
and that's if you're hauling ass the whole way
Joe's friend can do the CSI on this one
"I was planning a movie marathon, but that stupid bomb put a kibosh on that"
Joe, explain what happened when you lit the candles
Don't just shove them at the cop and say "get to it"
"I pay your salary"
"some time between 'never' and 'fuck you' kid"
this is the 90's, chemical analyses like this would take weeks easy
G-g-ghost
Zoinks!
cue creepy theremin
Just a bit?
please tell me they were using the stereotypical ghost voice
Never scream "You know how I felt about you!" into an alley. Trust me, it doesn't end well
the one where it sounds like they're doing musical scales while talking
This is an elaborate plan
y'know, children's book bad guys, a nagant is probably cheaper and more effcient than this scooby doo bullshit
It also played "Liquid Swords", but Mom didn't like that as much
RIP
"Norman? NORMAN!"
wow they fridged the hardy's mom?
Joe Hardy curses himself for feeling things about his dead mom
I assume this will all have been a dream, or something.
prank maybe?
Or the mom's clone
that's probably it
this is way too dark for a hardy boys book
I can't believe that clones are even on the table though
Spoooooooky
what if the villains are evil hardy boy clones that want to break them and take over their lives?
Dixon's trying a new thing where instead of removing the stakes immediately, he's saving it all for the end.
"One, two, Freddy's coming for you"
That sounds almost too good for a Hardy Boys book
Meanwhile, Frank arrived and eats a sandwich
"Mom's dead. Dinner time!"
This guy and his fucking milk drinks
Spoooooooky Lazarus Clinic
oh shit! animorphs!
The Lazarus Clinic by the way was
1) A mansion built by a "nutty" millionaire 90 years ago
2) Then an asylum
3) The Lazarus Clinic
4) Exploded
A lot of activity in 90 years
wait, if it exploded then how are there remains to be explored?
It was more "scatter things around" explode than "murder random woman" explode
Good job moron
Less "totally exploded" than "burnt out exploded"
With Callie missing, Frank's got an extra sandwich!