Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's Dollhouse but stupider and somehow more sexist
20: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #80: Dead of Night Franklin W. Dixon
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On Halloween the dead walk free...and the living pay the price!
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gellaho
I guess?
This is really messy
FancyShark
Yeah. She gets it
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
hey when you're right you're right
GDCommando!
Do these books contain like, footnotes? This seems like there's a lot of required reading.
gellaho
Are these Romulans? Why do they talk like aliens
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wait so it was all doubles?!
FUCK OFF
GDCommando!
Somehow the twist was even dumber than we all expected.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I hate this
each twist gets stupider than the last
gellaho
Actress? Actress
FancyShark
So this all really was to stop testimony
gellaho
Actress?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
They're not clones, but super-well-trained spies who they're willing to dispose of to face with the two stupidest teenagers alive.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
oh my god fuck off dixon
this is just stunningly bad
gellaho
This is so lazy
FancyShark
Too bad they couldn't just use an ASSASSIN to get rid of these two
gellaho
Disassembled? Are they robots or clones?
FancyShark
JUST. SHOOT. THEM.
gellaho
Reverse vacuum cleaner is close!?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
What the fuck is a reverse vacuum cleaner?
GDCommando!
She's gone from suck to blow!
FancyShark
You mean...a leaf blower?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this is making Kingdom Hearts look simple and straightforward
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Or just turning the trash can upside down.
gellaho
These people are aliens
gellaho
This is how Star Trek aliens talk
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
"Yes, we learned much about this....Hall of Weens"
FancyShark
I'm pretty sure he'd be too busy being TRIED FOR MURDER to testify
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this would be so much simpler if it was just hallucinations from bum candles their mom bought
like, on accident
FancyShark
That'd even be fun!
gellaho
Fuck you
gellaho
fuck you
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
gellaho
Micro transmitters!
For how goddamned long?
FancyShark
HEATH LEDGER'S JOKER HAD SIMPLER PLANS THAN THIS
gellaho
Did you have to listen to Randy Rand and his problems?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wait but then why send a goon to stop Frank from getting on the plane?
FancyShark
I guess to skip the pre-flight check
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
if you WANTED HIM TO GO TO MAINE ANYWAY
gellaho
Joe Hardy's mysoginy saves the day
FancyShark
Why the hell does it matter if the police don't trust their testimony? COPS AREN'T THE PROSECUTION
Jesus, Joe, it's always been leading to this, hasn't it?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it would have been better had they NOT DONE THIS ON HALLOWEEN
gellaho
What
gellaho
What
What
What
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
NO
NO
YOU DON'T GET TO PULL SCOOBY DOO SHIT AFTER ALL THAT
NO
FancyShark
Fuck you Dixon
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
ELDERLY
MIDGET
gellaho
I can't
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
Joe, who has spent the last 20 minutes busting gravestones, is fresh enough to throw a body at someone
Joe Hardy
gellaho
I want-no need-you to understand that I didn't skip anything
FancyShark
Hey Dixon
gellaho
They introduced a midget in a costume then immediately killed him
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
did Joe kill a midget by throwing a woman on him?
gellaho
I guess?
FancyShark
He said he thought it was a kid
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
the woman was light enough for an almost certainly gassed teenager to lift and throw, but still heavy enough to kill on impact
FancyShark
That means he intended to kill a child by throwing a woman at them
gellaho
Buh
gellaho
There's just so much there
this is two pages
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
every time I thought the author had hit rock bottom, you turn the page and find out he's discovered off-shore drilling
FancyShark
This is the Dixon singularity, right?
gellaho
1) Introduction of midget in costume
2) gun
3) clone murder
4) bugs
5) poison capsule
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
don't forget drugs and evil international spy syndicates
gellaho
Btw
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's like cliche bingo
gellaho
Just sitting in a sarcophagus
FancyShark
All to prevent witness testimony. I can't say this enough
gellaho
You know, a sarcophagus. A word we use in America for a coffin
WTF
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
so it's just some poor random lady?
FancyShark
Who's been there how long?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
at least a day
gellaho
It's an actress who was told this was for a Halloween prank
FancyShark
How did these idiots ever get a hold of a hydrogen bomb?
gellaho
I still don't understand if these are clones, or people given plastic surgery to look like other people
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
THE BATS WERE REAL?!
FancyShark
They gathered a swarm of bats!
gellaho
The ol' mill!
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
WHY
WOULD THE LITTLE MAN SPILL ANYTHING
THESE ARE THE WORST ASSASSINS EVER
gellaho
Hannah Barbara demands royalties
FancyShark
THEY ONCE TRIED TO BLOW UP A VOLCANO WITH A HYDROGEN BOMB
gellaho
You know what Joe? For once, I agree with you
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this is an international syndicate of professional assassins
who just love to fucking talk
and overcomplicate everything
no fucking wonder they got caught
GDCommando!
The problem is that the introduce the concept of hallucinogens, but then all the weird shit actually happened.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I can't wait for the next page to somehow get even dumber
gellaho
You know, Joe, I'd love to know that too
gellaho
I seriously don't know if this is some woman made to look like his dead girlfriend or a clone
FancyShark
"YET feeling guilty"
gellaho
"Clone" means something very specific
FancyShark
Dixon must've not wanted to write 'duplicate' so much
GDCommando!
I assure you Joe we find this far weirder than you appear to.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
this shit needs to go to book jail solitary confinement when we're done
gellaho
Joe would say that about any woman though
FancyShark
Put it in a cell with the last Photon book
gellaho
and then yawn
It'll go in the Book Cage, don't worry
Henry
btw @Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone while you're here i started discworld and it's very good
gellaho
Mysterious bulb of unknown origin or purpose
FancyShark
Margit and the Midget
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's like the author misspelled Margaret but decided to double down
gellaho
Joe with the industrialization burns
gellaho
because that's what we need at the end of this book
FancyShark
Dixon probably stayed up late thinking of that one
GDCommando!
Joe, having recently, plausibly murdered a woman, and then a midget using that woman, cracks wise about architecture.
gellaho
You know what, I'm going to present this without context
FancyShark
lol
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wait, so everyone that they "cloned" is at the mill?
including the fucking not-nick-fury guy?
GDCommando!
Joe Hardy is absolutely the last person that should be trusted with a knife at this point.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
you think Gray Man's still got a job after this?
FancyShark
Those first two sentences are terrifying on their own
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I mean it's an assassin group that got taken down TWICE by a couple of teenagers
gellaho
I'll be honest, I'm not sure what's going on
gellaho
I don't know what the construction of "old mills" are
but it seems like they shouldn't be this elaborate
GDCommando!
gun toter? that's an odd phrase.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's a mill for Hardy Boys sets
gellaho
Joe's got the blood lust
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
so they have a hostage and immediately lower the stakes when joe threatens arson
FancyShark
Nice to know this international terrorist organization had a contingency plan if something went wrong
gellaho
DOOOO IIIITTT
FancyShark
DO IT
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
DO IT
GDCommando!
No one would blame you.
FancyShark
If both don't shoot him, it'll be the least plausible thing in this book
gellaho
Clone failed the most obvious ploy in history
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
WHAT DID THEY TAKE FROM YOU JOE
IT WAS ALL FAKE
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I think he meant a man's slightly-accented voice, not slightly accented man's voice.
What he wrote sounds like he's wearing some nice jewelry, but nothing too gaudy.
GDCommando!
How many times has someone failed to shoot a Hardy Boy in this book? 5, now?
gellaho
This seems like the setup for a terrible orgy
GDCommando!
Later, Mrs. Hardy gets stuck in the washing machine.
FancyShark
"Hi Mom. We killed a dwarf."
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
"Wanna see me chuck the Vanessa clone?"
gellaho
6 actually
John, Grand Master of the Arena
"The house, with you in it, filled with poison gas, and we forgot about you."
So, the Mr. X who attacked them at the airport. Did he just disappear?
gellaho
"And I found it very easy to leave your corpse there"
gellaho
Apparently
FancyShark
No, they don't find it easy! Look at what they went through to kill two idiot children!
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I feel like this happens at least once a book, where there's an action setpiece that doesn't jive with the rest of the overall plot
gellaho
Maybe hire some lawyers, international terrorists
FancyShark
Wait, everybody? THEN FAKE THEIR TESTIMONY
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He's actually with The Network's ancient enemy, The Arpanet.
gellaho
Only the mysterious Gray Man
gellaho
who I imagine doesn't exist, officially
so that doesn't make any sense
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wait, so why not just kidnap the hardys and clone them?
gellaho
But, nevermind that! Pancakes!
gellaho
The End
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
THAT'S IT?!
John, Grand Master of the Arena
And one last time: Fuck you, Joe.
gellaho
Don't worry about it
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
they just fucking laugh off one of the most harrowing nights of their lives and iris out?
FancyShark
There's no way this organization got a hydrogen bomb. It had to have been, like, a beach ball with the word 'BOMB' on it
FancyShark
Our house that's flooded with gas?
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
wait
they already kidnapped friends and family of the hardys
why not just force them to lie on the stand?
FancyShark
Nope. Dwarf in a cemetery
And goofy gas
gellaho
Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #80: Dead of Night has been defeated!
gellaho
Don't let anyone tell you different!
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
LOOK OUT GELLAHO! IT'S A CLONE!
FancyShark
That one was even crazier than expected
gellaho
I just want to point out, the Space Academy adventure takes place after this
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
they laugh off kidnapping and confrontation with trained killers then go to space camp
FancyShark
The Space Academy plot seems straightforward and logical after this
John, Grand Master of the Arena
ahem..Academy
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it's no more an academy than disneyworld is a planet
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This was a weird one. It had a lot of action, but telling us upfront about the clones and hallucinogens made the whole thing feel pointless. It's like they took a time machine after hearing us complain about undercutting the tension to really show us how it's done.
FancyShark
Yeah. Chekov's clones
John, Grand Master of the Arena
But, excellent job acting as our guide @gellaho. As always.
FancyShark
Yes, thank you for another ride through Frank Dixon's broken mind
gellaho
The Book Cage will soon require another shelf
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
or whomever was writing as Frank Dixon, at least
GDCommando!
Yeah, this was awful. Thank you.
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
you think the author was relieved he had to write under a pseudonym?
because honestly, this has a level of convolusion that makes me think he was proud of what he wrote
FancyShark
Yeah, this guy thought he was doing something clever
John, Grand Master of the Arena
At least I learned something tonight. If in your book you have more than 5 instances of, "the bad guy shot at the good guy, but missed," then you have written a bad book.
gellaho
Yeah, it's not ideal
I guess it's ideal for my purposes
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
it was entertaining
fucking awful
gellaho
But if I had known about all the backstory, I think this might have been a lot more boring
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
but entertainingly so
gellaho
I wonder when they introduced clones. because if it was early I don't know how that would work for 100+ books
FancyShark
Book 1
gellaho
Now that I know clones are on the table, I don't know how I'm going to deal with the rest of these books
FancyShark
The Assassins first appear in Book 1
gellaho
I'll probably forget
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Don't worry, I'm sure the books will too
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I can't believe the Hardy Boys actually lowered the bar for terrible clone sagas
gellaho
I'm letting you guys know right now. Next week we are going back to the loving embrace of Simon Hawke/J.D. Masters/Nicholas Yermakov
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Can I request that you don't tell us the title/series the next book is from until just before it starts?
gellaho
I can. I don't think it's going to affect you either way but I can leave it as a tease
Greg
That was so goddamn stupid
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
I'm almost impressed that the author crammed that much stupid into a children's novella
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's so perfect that the inciting action was the bad guys unnecessarily blew up a boat with a clone on it. They could have just blown up the boat while the Hardys were on it. Or shot and killed them in their sleep.
Guys...I think they might not be good assassins.
gellaho
Fuckin clones
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
they could have put a bomb on the plane so that they could kill frank while he was in the air
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Even though the book called them clones, I'm certain they're just spies who had plastic surgery. And since Frank said they couldn't emote with their faces, they must have gotten Dr. Nick from The Simpsons to do it.
gellaho
Well, "clones "
Ferroday, Hype Coven Crone
there's several instances in this book where the assassins don't do the one thing they're known for that would have simplified everything
Greg
I like that they foreshadowed the clones and assassins by having a character think "I wonder if this is just clones and assassins like all those other times with the clones and the assassins"
gellaho
In terms of Hardy Boys, I'd give this third place out of what I've read. After Bad Rap and Grave Danger (Mexican machete adventure)
FancyShark
According to the wiki, books 76, 77 and 78 covered the "Assassins try to blow up the world" story
But I guess these idiots are a recurring threat
Thick Bringing it Hard Javo
I am glad to discover "evil hardy clones" existed and that I didn't know about it until now
FancyShark
They're not even clones!
Mr. J Boots
god damn it i missed the whole read
gellaho
I'm sad I'll have to read so many random Hardy Boys to find it
Mr. J Boots
and it was a good one
Thick Bringing it Hard Javo
I feel like we can just search covers
gellaho
I'm not changing my process
FancyShark
I can scour the wiki if needed
gellaho
Which is random and inconsistent