The Book Cage: Episode 97 - Time Wars #3: The Pimpernel Plot
It is once again time to pay our respects to the patron saint of The Book Cage: Simon Hawke. We've unfortunately landed back in France again. And during the revolution, so what could go wrong! This time the fan fiction is about no one's favorite story: The Scarlet Pimpernel. At least now, the time displaced lady-knight Andre Cross joining the team should add some interesting wrinkles, right? Right?
gellaho
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Credit where it's due, the time bandit cover art always slaps for these books
gellaho
That's David Mattingly. He's the only cover artist I know by name because all his cover art features one person facing directly forward, shoulders squared
gellaho
gellaho
gellaho
Some kind of bizarre compulsion
He's also the animorphs guy, so there's that
Ramb$ne
so there's a dave mattingly who frequently presents on NPR
that'd be nuts if this were the same guy
gellaho
Coming up on the hour it's Time Wars #3: The Pimpernel Plot. Here's the preview, and a picture of a tiger for some reason
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Sweet tiger, thats straight from someones "Thailand tattoo ideas folder Number 2."
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Tyger tyger burning bright
In the pulpbacks of the night
Who with fearful hand or eye
Could frame Steele's perfect suckitude?
bacteriamaster jakesy
Oh shit it's 10:40 pm here, am I a bad enough dude to do book cage?
For like the first 20 minutes, yes
Brendan
I just got invited out to a cocktail bar by a shapely stranger but GODDAMN IT it's Hawke night.
I would have walked on the Hardys but you only get so many Hawkes in your life.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This is Brendan's "MvC3 or two extremely hot bisexual women" choice
Brendan
MvC is amazing though.
gellaho
Get busy pimping
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Damn right.
Brendan
The Maroon Pimpernel let's gooooo
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The wine-dark Pimpernel
gellaho
The book begins with a timeline of the invention of time travel again, skipping that
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
No time for it, huh
gellaho
Then there's the prologue where a man gets his head cut off
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
We should really be using the guillotine on some of these run on sentences
gellaho
Then there is a brief history of the French Revolution, if you were unfamiliar
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Citizen Guillotin, we need a new way to execute traitors, counter revolutionaries and people who piss us off. Come up with something, chop chop"
"Wait— run that last bit by me again."
Brendan
The French Revolution: the Tumblr of its day. A great idea that only took a year to become madness.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
For most of the same reasons, come to think of it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And like so many things, tangibly bad because it was run by lawyers.
At least we dont have to deal with French kings afterwar........goddammit Napoleon.
Brendan
It took them six months to go from "Kill all the nobles" to "July is now called Reasonvember!"
FancyShark
Sirs Brendan, Badger and Sausage, I'm still stuck at work another 45min, so I'm counting on you to catch me up when I get free please
Brendan
I bet half of all French revolutionaries identified as a garlic scapekin.
gellaho
So, anyway, there is a future soldier was sent back to fight in the Time Wars named Alex Corderro. He decides to get involved in a border crossing which results in a deadly comedy of errors
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Life in France is nasty, brutish, and short" is about the size of it so far
Brendan
Shark, the only thing you've missed is the murder of children.
FancyShark
Dangit!
Brendan
And as a citizen of these united states, I entrust you're familiar.
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Yes yes, we all remember the Kintner Boy Incident
gellaho
Anyway, Alex is dead now
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Those children are dangerous counter-revolutionaries and conspiring with the German government.
FancyShark
It's near the Fourth of July and I'm in Wisconsin. I know about the risks children face from explosions
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
gellaho
And, oh no! The rich playboy with a secret identity is now dead!
Brendan
Fireworks are the Miserables of chemistry.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
This was gold, fuck y'all
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Oh nooooooooo not the.......the who now?
gellaho
Old Batman
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oopsie
Also the kind of final line I would maybe have made a paragraph break for but what do I know
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Michael Keaton's honestly in pretty good shape
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man helping French nobles flee to England is consigning them to a fate worse than death, he had it coming.
gellaho
Skip forward one thousand years
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Andre, we dont add time travel time to your age.
Thats not how that works.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"She was extremely legal, but still considered jailbait, just not in ways that would get you arrested. So theoretically I could absolutely ask her to stick her big toe in my mouth beneath the twilight of the hunter's moon and the law can't do anything about it."
"Hi, I'm Todd Macfarlane, creator of Spawn. That crude scenario I've just depicted? Possibly."
GDC
That has real actually-a-thousand-year-old-dragon energy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also "antiagathic drug treatments" is code for "Antibiotics and decent water."
"I could live to the impossibly ancient age of sixty!"
gellaho
I can't be sure, but I think her breasts are small
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"She had an extremely flat chest. This isn't really a character trait as much as me being progressive by lusting after breasts of all sizes. Hi, Todd again."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Describe her breasts more breastily" Hawke thought to himself.
SocratesSays
Oh wow book cage
gellaho
Future shock
SocratesSays
Also, if a bullet goes through your heart can make it a 1000 yards? Cough or no cough
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
… is what they would have called System Shock if they weren't cowards
gellaho
We call this the anti-Steele
Brendan
The Arisia Principle
SocratesSays
Fucking hell. Let's address her vagina right upfront
GDC
Well having a kid is really the only thing a woman could do to affect the course of history, obviously
Brendan
How am I supposed to take this 1000-year old co-ed seriously as a warrior, knowing that her strength is tempered by her inability to wear boob-shaped armor?
gellaho
That is very convenient
SocratesSays
She was a small tit barren nobody. Got you.
Brendan
Lady, you can't bear children because you've had 15,000 periods.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It's so sad she traveled to a future where the standard of living is so much higher but adoption is completely outlawed for no reason I guess. I well
SocratesSays
"we don't even know why we hired her"
Temporal Human Resources.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Hey guess what, we found out that not only are you biologically a dead end, you never accomplished anything of note either! Welcome to the future!"
SocratesSays
Is there a 12 monkeys kick ass comic?
Oh I just realised any time travel of any significance causes a paradox by definition
I'm going to call this
The time travel narrative paradox
Brendan
Preposterous to send a female agent back in time when her paltry breasts are incapable of seducing Frenchmen.
SocratesSays
All Frenchmen like boys
Brendan
Should have sent a champagne-glass breasted woman to pose as Marie Antoinette.
Brendan
This actually explains a ton about the last 60 years of women's fashion.
gellaho
She's from the fictional Robin Hood universe, so yeah
SocratesSays
"No girls"
Voltaire
Brendan
"Can I have his girls?"
--Hugo
gellaho
Simon is uninterested in having any kind of fish out of water shenanigans or perspective. So, get Andre gets fully future brainwashed
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
George Sand comin for everyones holes anyway, France.
gellaho
gellaho
Discord decided to post those out of order, so read it in reverse
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rad. French Cyber Knight, now we are talking.
SocratesSays
"why don't we just hire someone from this timeline"
TEMPORAL HUMAN RESOURCES
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They stopped short of giving her a trick hand that unfolds to reveal a baguette launcher.
Brendan
Why did we even meet her before now if this was gonna happen.
gellaho
The insignia was majestic and dong-like
Brendan
Her vagina dispenses cigarettes in reward for orgasm.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is a really visually confusing insignia.
Brendan
No frenchman can resist.
SocratesSays
There was a musket interwined with nunchucks
gellaho
You got two full books of Andre, and as a full member of the team she must be boring
GDC
I think it looks some thing like this 8==D
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A regional variation of the Exact Change trick
Brendan
That's my point, just a new character now.
SocratesSays
She is now a male character
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Just shows where they think the important part of history is or they'd have tossed a gladius or a pilum in there.
SocratesSays
The author is going to work something out later even he is in denial about
gellaho
Strange
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"A broadsword crossed with a rapier", two great tastes that go worse together
gellaho
This will become a signature of this series
Brendan
hahahaha what
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"Hi, Todd again. What the fuck?"
Brendan
Now they're doing a SAVAGES but through time.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Do..........do they kiss alot in the future?
SocratesSays
Not gay if Andre is female. The author is just feeling this out now
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Like im pretty sure affectionate kisses from your coworkers are not gooood?
Maybe its fine in the future.
SocratesSays
Also, when they pinned the insignia to her did she just collapse to the floor or is it a teenee tiny broadsword then
gellaho
I've read the first seven books. This goes nowhere. I was surprised to see it here
SocratesSays
Like I imagined pinning a claymore to a child's lapel like a prefect badge
gellaho
Maybe they know they're going to France already
Radical temporal relocation, dudes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Plus......time.
What a weird way to segment the infinite.
SocratesSays
Plus time wouldn't work because it would always be the present from the viewpoint of the assignment
Hi welcome to plus time. You know, now.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Maybe they measure it from the time it became possible to time travel?
SocratesSays
Or, plus time always works...because it is now, now. But wasn't a minute ago
gellaho
You mean like how math do
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Heathen sorcery.
SocratesSays
Everybody. Welcome to plus time
gellaho
Drinking time!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
IF people were meant to count to more than 20 we would have more fingers.
SocratesSays
Sounds like she's getting date raped
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
WHOOOOOOOOO KEGSTAND IN THE FUTURE!
gellaho
Settle down
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
maaaaaaaaaaaan
GDC
I've been in bars with soldiers. They like to sing.
gellaho
But, yes, Andre is looking to get boned
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Shes a soldier now so she has to be able to do three shots and deepthroat a dildo in front of the whole barracks.
SocratesSays
I fucking told you
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"I haven't slept with anyone in a thooousand yeeeears!"
<laugh track, rimshot, clown horn>
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Oh.........uh.......Andre we dont really do that kind of thing anymore."
"Here let me get you the headset brochures."
SocratesSays
Oh I'd hate to be the last one as well
gellaho
If not with them, then an expert male prostitute
SocratesSays
Who left a lot to be desired
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man that suggests a hell of a certification system for sex workers. Nice job future.
Brendan
She's had a man but hasn't been kissed since she was a child?
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
"The idea of a male whore intrigued me greatly" is an all time hall of fame way to fail the bechdel test
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mouth stuff is for Italians.
SocratesSays
Butt stuff for the french
GDC
Yeah but you need to put in a lot of mouth stuff hours to get your class 1
Brendan
Allison Bechdel only watches movies about two men and a woman who may or may not is used to be a man who still has a man name talking about a man who is also a whore.
SocratesSays
Elbow stuff for the greeks
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The certification process has a lot more red tape and written exams than youd think.
Brendan
Shot the Bechdel Moon
gellaho
Anyway, she wins
Brendan
This book reads like the plot is running down the aisles of an adult VHS shop.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
For a second I thought hed say "Okay but we get to watch."
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I mean duh. Back then you drank ale instead of water because no one figured out how to purify that shit. Of course the peasant is gonna win
SocratesSays
Oh I missed the start is she full 17th century
Brendan
I am so glad I'm past the age of drinking contests.
gellaho
Bankrupted by prostitutes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Andre has been drinking the French equivalent of scumble for like ten years and isnt blind, guys, you were destined to lose.
SocratesSays
Wasn't booze back then like 2% though
GDC
French scumble is Calvados, I think
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
They didn't even bone. They just played Mario Kart all night and left the meter running.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
At best the sex worker told her how to use the three seashells.
gellaho
Well, if you're hungover, might as well start doing speed
Brendan
The most Victor Hugo plot point imaginable.
SocratesSays
Are they actually in a situation were this is necessary
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"adrenergen" suggest they did a cocktail of like meth and adrenaline.
Which sounds rough as fuck as a way to start your work day.
gellaho
Nitro seems fun
GDC
Maybe just a half hypogun next time
SocratesSays
Why did he just take that?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man just letting him be hungover would have been better.
Brendan
It's just Turkish coffee Delaney, chill out.
gellaho
He decided on an image that would strike fear into his enemies: a flower
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
That's not— that's just having a seizure.
SocratesSays
"working" said the computer.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Terrifying.
SocratesSays
Smuggling aristocrats.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And again those poor French nobs, having to go to fucking ENGLAND of all places.
SocratesSays
Not rescuing them.
gellaho
Begin the foppination process
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And not like Spain or Germany.
gellaho
Better than France
SocratesSays
What kind of name is gellaho anyway. Sounds Welsh
gellaho
If there's anything these books have taught me it's that France inspires the worst in people
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
It rarely inspires the best
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
French PEOPLE are the worst mankind has to offer. France itself is quite nice, which is why we should take it from the French.
Just saying I understand why everyone invades France at some point.
gellaho
"He's also fictional, so that doesn't help."
Brendan
You ever stop to realize we finally have that computer from decades of sci fi?
Alexa: playback wiki HAWKE, SIMON
Brendan
It's pronounced "Blorm."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or you know..........dont. The world wont miss a couple French nobles, the bastards are fuckin everywhere.
gellaho
French forever, what a terrible curse
SocratesSays
It's pronounced "Owen"
Brendan
If the timeline isn't restored, Vietnam will suffer decades of peace.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Go back in time and impersonate this dead guy. As a side bennie you can fuck his wife." is a hell of a sell for an assignment.
gellaho
We are beginning to witness Delaney slowly take over as protagonist of this series
GDC
Priest going full tex avery wolf on this thousand year old woman
SocratesSays
SocratesSays
Oh mama
GDC
GIF
gellaho
Simon couldn't scrounge up any side characters in the Pimperneliverse
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Fortunately Delaney, we have immunized you against one thousand strains of STDs, including syphillis so you should be good to raw dog this widow for years."
SocratesSays
This is, I mean it's not even anything. Is this Simon hawke still
gellaho
The game computer
SocratesSays
Dressed in.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The future rests on the palms of… 21st century larpers.
SocratesSays
Dressed in period.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man you could have gotten assigned to the fuckpits of Imperial Rome and you pulled First Republic France.
SocratesSays
Someone add the word garb. It's Keeping me awake all night already
gellaho
27th century. And I think they got this
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Only the best for our timeline-preserving campaigns.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"They kept laughing as the roomba cleaned his brain off the floor."
SocratesSays
I like to imagine it went "fjshhpl" as it stuck in him.
gellaho
Myoclonus the Wise
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Myoclonus is when the time portal makes an evil twin clone and you have to fight
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Or fuck.
SocratesSays
Myoclanus is altogether different.
gellaho
"The plastiskin will, however, confuse the fuck out of some archeologists"
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Not as bad as that gun they found from dinosaur times.
gellaho
Finn doing his Nutty Professor impression
GDC
"oh yeah, the lady you wanted to bone hates you. Forgot to mention that"
gellaho
maaaaaaaaaaaannnnn
GDC
haha, topical!
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
LOL POLITICS
gellaho
Finn makes a good point
FancyShark
FREEDOM!
Status report
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Scarlet Pimpernel got capped, Delaney has to replace him and maybe fuck his wife while they figure out if he mattered or not to history.
FancyShark
lol
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Also Andre bankrupted Delaney and Finn with a sex worker.
gellaho
I think Simon's F key got stuck
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man who gets tired of beheadings? Its the sport of kings.
FancyShark
That paragraph reads like someone trying to bluff an episode of Downton Abbey
gellaho
Sport from kings
Specifically the head from the body
Them Duke Boys are at it again!
FancyShark
yeeeeeeehaawwwwwww!
Ffoulkes gets very persnickity if you don't pronounce both F's
gellaho
It's not like they have time machines or something
FancyShark
The key with time travel is to treat it like a save point
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"She caught the consumption and starved to death. At the same time."
gellaho
Here's your drug ring
FancyShark
The moment you screw up, you reload time and try again. Yes I know that's a plot point in a recently released movie. It's still sensible.
gellaho
Finn's a big Judas Priest fan
FancyShark
"And yes, we've taken into account that these are all chemical compounds someone of the 17th century is in no way prepared to process"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Prefer Painkiller or Hell Patrol to Hell Bent for Leather but its still a good song.
GDC
red ones are lethal, yellow ones wake people up, blue ones make you trip balls
FancyShark
Green ones are minty
gellaho
☑️ Redhead
☑️ Legs
☑️ Earthy sensuality
gellaho
Love injecting mint
FancyShark
It makes the organs smell fresh
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The purple ones are grape flavored.
But only if you eat them.
Injected they make your mouth dry as hell.
Nothing else.
GDC
Ah, we've recovered from our boob defecit
gellaho
Uh
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
the.......gamin?
gellaho
Ah
FancyShark
huh
She's got some poverty hotness
gellaho
One of Simon's types
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Ohhhh shes a little trailer trashy. Cool.
Beehive hairdo and a snake tattoo.
gellaho
Matters of the flesh
FancyShark
Maybe it means she has filthy eyebrows
GDC
Delaney sat and thought of boning.
FancyShark
What man hasn't contemplated the possibility of bedding someone?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cool, Finn and Delaney are gonna double team her.
Assuming they dont have a drinking contest to see who has to play the back nine, so to speak.
It's fine, Andre can take over if they pass out.
FancyShark
In the 17th century, that's a helluva gamble
gellaho
Trying to remember if Delaney was the one who got crabs from Maid Marian
FancyShark
Not a sentence I expected to read today
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Antibiotics and special shampoos from the future can fix most dick based diseases.
GDC
You want to bone, but she hates your guts. A real puzzler.
gellaho
The long churchwarden
FancyShark
In the future, that's called a Dieblemma
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Antibiotics cant fix having your balls touch your coworkers balls and having to wonder if that makes you married legally in 17th century France.
gellaho
MUST. HIDE. BONER!
gellaho
I think that's how the French say hello
gottem
FancyShark
LIIIIIIPS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
ooof and the fashion for the time was tight pants, thats gonna be a penalty to Hide Boner.
gellaho
Blue balls will do that
FancyShark
Not since Taipan has a book dwelled so much on a dude wanting to bang a French lady
Brendan
BROCKWAY PIN THIS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You could just jack off, its the 17th century, people are used to ignoring it.
gellaho
Her life seems great
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Still hot tho.
FancyShark
Headwounds are the new sexy
GDC
She breasted boobily across the Channel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Her Bud Lite tramp stamp glistens in the sunlight as prettily as the day she got it from Big Earls Tat Shack.
Brendan
I would shatter a thousand time streams
Why can't he impregnate his great-grandma again?
Brendan
Hawke finally learned a synonym for tatterdemalion.
FancyShark
Because she's de-
oh wait, you mean via time travel
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Chronobanging your ancestors is a good way to wake up with a Habsburg jaw.
Unless you do butt stuff, then its fine.
Brendan
I have to imagine your great^10 grandma is less closely related to you than your fourth cousin.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Practice safe sex, time perverts.
Brendan
LOOK LET ME HAVE THIS IT'S BEEN A ROUGH MONTH
FancyShark
, Your Honor
gellaho
The inspiration for Zorro and Batman certainly is something, isn't it?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Look, Brendan, your great grandma was a looker in her day, its fine, nobody can meaningfully judge you.
gellaho
I should correct something I said earlier. When I said, "Delaney slowly becomes the protagonist," I meant "suddenly and abruptly"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
What you do with a time machine is between you, your grandma, a porpoise, a stuffed lion, and Chronomaster Jones.
specifically this lion.
gellaho
Come on, that's not his name
FancyShark
That is a blues musician from New Orleans circa 1965
Hawke, you can just say "friendly". Hail-fellow-well-met is tedious
Brendan
Mr. Jellyband is a Neil Gaiman character who's actually compressed into a meatsuit.
gellaho
But, you're OK with "well-girthed"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Jellyband invented six kinds of jelly desserts, including the Saxon Jelly Roll.
gellaho
I mean, good for him, but I don't need to hear about it
Brendan
If it's not balding do you even have a pate?
FancyShark
I wasn't looking at his crotch
GDC
"piscatory air" is a polite way of saying it smelled like rotting fish.
gellaho
Manly looking wrench
gellaho
I'll keep the typo
FancyShark
Next haircut, demand they shave your pate. Just know the nearest exit first
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I do love a good tricorne hat.
Far superior to the bicorne.
gellaho
I'm sure everyone remembers the duplicitous time agent Mongoose
GDC
That extra corne really brings it together
Brendan
Shark, here's what you missed: nothing.
Legitimately just 100 pages of a single agent being sent back in time to pose as the scarlet pimp
He turned down my ex girlfriend like a fucking dope.
FancyShark
Characters need flaws
And that's a flaw if ever there was one
gellaho
It worried him a substantial amount. It worried him largely. The quantity it worried him was vast.
FancyShark
How big is his worry? SO BIG!
gellaho
Bad news: halve that
Brendan
Are we counting the 50 pages erased by changing the Minus Timeline to celibacy?
FancyShark
I hope I didn't miss any earnest reminders to buy swiss army knives as gifts
gellaho
"A fine looking woman I've separated you from by the distance of an Elizabethan mansion"
FancyShark
"Big trouble, if that steamer trunk of dynamite and halberds she has is any indication"
gellaho
Zen physics is what Simon calls "literary convenience"
FancyShark
How do you do a class on coincidence? Do you just watch poorly written movies?
gellaho
Simon was ahead of the curve on computer crime
FancyShark
"Hard Time in Social Service" has to be a porno
Brendan
Mission parameters: escort the NPC to the crusades but DO NOT FUCK HER
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Okay Simons vision of the future including a gulag for 4Channers? Hell yeahs.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Mission Rating S, for Sexy.
gellaho
Ffor Ffoulkes Ssake
FancyShark
Look, you don't have to watch Downton Abbey if you don't want to. I just thought you'd like it. You don't have to pretend like you saw it just to spare my feelings.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
To be fair tho Ffoulkes and Dewhurst are like mid tier English lord names.
Lord Wrigglesworth is a real one, after all.
gellaho
Andre the sociopath
FancyShark
Forgot that Andre was the absolute badass in the previous stories
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
French people famously dont count when it comes to kill tally.
FancyShark
They're like triscuits
gellaho
The sociopathic tendency isn't abated when she starts talking about people like they're animals
Brendan
What happened to you guys in France?
Okay, she murdered a family, but counterpoint, unlike Andre she has PERFECT breasts.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Andre is willing to do you the Forbidden Coworker Solids, which is nice if frowned upon by HR.
Brendan
Also they were nobles, so are they even really human?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
I'm pretty sure the nobility are like three quarters pheasant anyway.
FancyShark
They're mostly cloth and wigs
gellaho
The prince of Wales comes to visit for a party. Then this paragraph quickly goes off the rails. At least the page number is appropriate
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Nice.
FancyShark
Nice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its not a Georgian party til people are fucking in the bushes.
GDC
Lord Byron is doing laudanum off someone's ass
gellaho
This is a hunt, so running through the woods naked is a choice
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hunt for poon tang, amirite?
FancyShark
The wood ticks love the party too
gellaho
What the fuck am I reading
FancyShark
Okay, apparently churchwarden pipes are just pipes with long stems
Brendan
Look how fucking huge my meerschaum is, ladies.
It's rosy pink
Note the ornate veining carved along its pipe shaft
And the perfectly shaped bulbous head
gellaho
Simon Hawke indulges in irony
Brendan
Would milady care to puff 'pon my 'schaum?
FancyShark
Sir, please just take a plate and move along. The buffet is closing soon.
Brendan
But my good sirrah, my trilobite meerschaum is all aglow, and none shall suckle on the mouthpiece?!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Of course the English are starving too, but they love it."
**45/*
gellaho
So, blah blah blah they introduce the Scarlet Pimpernel
FancyShark
Now I'm hungry for dark bread
gellaho
Stimulate the juices
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
hehehehe. Members.
FancyShark
Simon is writing snooty like a boss
@Brendan , you need to crash this party
gellaho
Polish the ebony cane
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Way to give away its a sword cane, Simon.
FancyShark
All just to look nice for dinner. Rich people are weird
gellaho
Solid torture zinger
Brendan
"Okay, Finn, now you're making fun of me."
FancyShark
I thought Mongoose died fighting Cobra
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Just for that, Finn, Im going to go back in time and give your mother syphillis."
FancyShark
"Again"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"ROGUE AGENT!"
gellaho
That's what you get for trying to cheat at the maze, Finn
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Well at least its blood and not something else.
GDC
The best part is it's too embarrassing to admit you got lost in a hedge maze.
FancyShark
Finn, you're from the future. Burn the hedge maze with laserfire and blame the poor
gellaho
WHO TOLD YOU I'M INTO GUILLOTINING!
FancyShark
They're French aristocrats. They'll buy it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Poor Mrs. O'Leary.
FancyShark
Let's hope Simon never learned the even-more gruesome facts about the guillotine.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Pfft, im a specially trained time agent, I only do emotionless butt stuff, I cant fall in love."
FancyShark
Like how the blade wasn't always stable and could shift and shudder a lot on the way down
gellaho
Eventually Simon learns not to write like this because, Jesus Christ, there are so many unnecessary details in this book
gellaho
I'm not suggesting you actually read that
GDC
Classic Simon hawke wall of text info dump
Brendan
Yeah, I'm looking at that and thinking BLAH BLAH BLAH
gellaho
Although maybe you could try and guess what 20th century war they were involved in! Not a lot of fun ones available
FancyShark
Vietnam II?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Paragraph breaks, Simon, cmon.
My bet is the Faulklands war.
FancyShark
Bay of Pigs
gellaho
Well, nothing bad ever happened in the Bastille
FancyShark
The Marquis of The Fort is in The Fort?
gellaho
The ARs really accelerated
FancyShark
They were the iPhones of the gun world
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
AR-107s are fine but the 105 came in so many fun colors.
FancyShark
The AR-98 was the last one with a Home button
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Really the 72 was the worst, it had that proprietary and very expensive to replace charger.
gellaho
That sounds about right for revolutionary France
Brendan
Can't they just like open a time portal in the Bastille?
FancyShark
They're not Time Splitters. Sadly.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This book would be so much more fun if it had a passage where they battled a horde of monkeys with miniguns.
gellaho
Looks like Lee Harvey Oswald has arrived
FancyShark
Any given video game when the player finds the sniper rifle
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
its only fun with Havok physics.
gellaho
Ah, just a kid
gellaho
FancyShark
If Rico Rodriguez shows up, this will get even radder
gellaho
He's mostly made of pistols
BlindMonkey
Finn is fast on the upkeep I see
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahaha wait he was in a building sniping with pistols?!
FancyShark
Long buildup for the kid being the murderer
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
FLINTLOCK PISTOLS?!
FancyShark
Fucking champ
gellaho
You are indeed wise
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
My immersion!
FancyShark
This is why children make me nervous
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
They always have another flintlock.
gellaho
Well, time to punch out the twelve-year-old
BlindMonkey
…You may have inspired the greatest condom ad campaign of all time
At least the most action packed
GDC
Kid was carrying his own weight in old timey guns
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is why when you catch a child sniper you should always hang them upside down and jiggle them so their guns and loose coins fall out.
BlindMonkey
Ah, the old Congo High-Five
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lucas is lucky this kid hasnt given him a new speed hole with his fuckin brace of pistols.
gellaho
I'm very disappointed
BlindMonkey
Maybe he's a game merchant
So quick to judge
ArmOwOred Cur Furry of RUwUbicon
+2 Evil Points
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Yeah i mean two expert future soldiers got their asses handed to them by a little boy, I'd be disappointed too.
FancyShark
He should have sent the kid to stand in the corner for shooting his dad in the head
gellaho
Hitting that little boy has riled up the ol' blood lust
FancyShark
KISS
KIIIIISSSSS
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"I'm blood horny and you look like a good fuck."
BlindMonkey
To this cover's credit, I scrolled up to it and got all the context I'd ever need
gellaho
Hell, yes, Simon! Become the Simon Hawke you were destined to be!
FancyShark
📯
BlindMonkey
Child soldiers are like pringles: a sad product of a broken order
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Dogfucker" rolls off the tongue nicely.
gellaho
Interrogate the child!
FancyShark
Please say the boy's last name is Val Jean
BlindMonkey
There's a classic species of line that sounds cool until you say or type or hand-sign it
I think that's a good example
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Missed a "My name is Fucked your Mother, whats it to you?"
FancyShark
It's Simon Hawke's specialty
The Voice of Doom is legit rad though
gellaho
I'm seeing double, four Pimpernels!
gellaho
By the by, this little boy comes back in two books. I'm not telling you how
BlindMonkey
Independent child assassins, doin' it for themselves
GDC
Beats sweeping chimneys
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Fifty francs is pretty good cash for two random dipshits.
BlindMonkey
Think of all the cake it can buy
Brendan
I feel like a child gets punched out in every installment of this series.
BlindMonkey
He should make it every chapter break
gellaho
That's how the Hardy Boys do it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When your cast is all boys, its wall to wall child punching.
gellaho
Pretty good pistol sniping for never shooting before
BlindMonkey
Like the wireframe team from Smash Bros
gellaho
Terrifying child
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
The fact its flintlocks is what flabbergasts me, those things are so shitty you are lucky if all your pistols fire at all, let alone hit anything from more than ten feet away.
BlindMonkey
The murder version of walking uphill through snow I guess
gellaho
He was contracted by Mongoose so they could be future guns
But, probably not
ArmOwOred Cur Furry of RUwUbicon
modern murderers have it too easy
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Kid has a future as a COD streamer.
gellaho
Kids are fun
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Hahahahh Jean rules.
BlindMonkey
I want to buy this child a Refused tshirt
I'm so in
gellaho
It is pretty funny
BlindMonkey
He's telling me about the Economy of Death in French
gellaho
I do like that Simon stole @FancyShark's Cobra joke from the past
BlindMonkey
Cobra and Mongoose. They'll be tagging together by next year
Brendan
Nobody gets your ivy jokes, Princeton.
FancyShark
If I'm gonna be robbed, might as well be by the best
Brendan
What did I JUST say?
gellaho
When I think Cobra, I think Aryan
gellaho
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
GIF
BlindMonkey
My Illuminati life coach says that was hilarious
And to send more tributes. Always more tribute. Always more blood.
gellaho
Cobra's specialty is opposing 18th century revolutions apparently
FancyShark
Future hobbies rule
BlindMonkey
Benedict Arnold, catching strays until the sun is a dead black dot
FancyShark
I love how every time travel thing, from Time Wars to Assassin's Creed to Star Trek, always manages to have the heroes hang out with notable historical figures
gellaho
Alright, so Mongoose is Carles Bronson. Got it.
BlindMonkey
I got a lot of laughs out of that in the Ezio trilogy. If you stopped to wash your hands, you'd meet Ulysses Soap, founder of scrubbing out for drinks
gellaho
The HDDVD of the American Revolution
Cobra goes all-in on a fucking death metaphor
Brendan
Hey, fuck you I grew up in those swamps you snob
BlindMonkey
If you travel back to France and they use a Latin phrase, do you hear Latin or
Eh fuck it
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
And that is why a "Swamp McGinley" is a sandwich in four counties in New York.
gellaho
Boy, organizational politics sure are interes... zzzzzz
FancyShark
We have gotten so far away from sexy knight lady slaughtering any fool that steps to her
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Simon, lets get back to Jean, Boy Gunman.
BlindMonkey
It can't be all that. Otherwise...actually, hold on. Shark might be on to something
gellaho
Come on, Simon! You know those lips should be moistened!
gellaho
1984 Simon just hasn't quite developed
FancyShark
Had he even started the Steele books yet?
gellaho
Holy fuck
gellaho
No likey the giganto paragraphs
BlindMonkey
she became more beautiful to become more wifelike to become more seductive to become more pretty to become more hot to become more more
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
God the editor did a bad job with this one.
gellaho
He completed all six in about a year and a half
gellaho
What a legend
FancyShark
Blakeney living out Married With Children in 17th century France
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Truly Simon is the Stephen King of Book Cage.
BlindMonkey
Hot Damn
I need to pick it up
FancyShark
So he's still five years away from realizing his destiny
FancyShark
https://www.gellaho.com/book_series
Gellaho's got you covered
gellaho
The Wizard of 4th Street is where he got his groove. Until he didn't
Andre's talking to Finn about loving Marguerite
Then the male prostitute comes back, bet you weren't expecting that
gellaho
But twas a prank!
BlindMonkey
Rutting is one of those words you can't convince me anyone ever used, even with video
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Cool, nobody more suited than "If you win the drinking contest I'll fuck you." lady.
gellaho
Andre is really leaning into the sociopathy now
FancyShark
Her body count makes more sense now
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Andre is a great example of why you cant take a medieval warrior and expect them to get along fine transplanted to a different time period.
gellaho
"Better fuck her just in case"
FancyShark
For the record: still would. But I'd probably be found the next morning in a ditch
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
All the best and most memorable lovemaking ends with someone in a ditch, the trick is being alive.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
A warrior's death
gellaho
Well, what could go wrong in 18th century France/England
gellaho
The two countries famously get along
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
This is a plan with absolutely no possible drawback.
BlindMonkey
"Great lay. Might as well stick around forever."
...Alright that's all dating before thirty or so
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
There will certainly be no person becoming Emperor of France and plunging Europe into war in a short while. Certainly not.
gellaho
Only takes about half a page to talk him out of it though
gellaho
FancyShark
"Oh right. I'm basically a vampire. Yeah, my bad."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Pfft, thats lame, dude, just fake your death.
BlindMonkey
Rogue time warlord when
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Bro is missing the fact that its SO fucking easy to fake your death in the 17th century!
Just walk off someday and never come back, people have no way to check!
FancyShark
Dude could invent going out for smokes
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
You can be like that guy who grifted Tsarina Alexandra the first time.
"I will return in a different form so be ready for that."
BlindMonkey
And explain it to a baffled Ezio
gellaho
Some stuff happens, who cares. Then it's revealed that gasp Fitzroy is Mongoose!
FancyShark
GASP!
I already forgot who Fitzroy was
gellaho
London has Pimpernel fever
BlindMonkey
Pro gamer move
gellaho
He's supposed to be their liaison with the future
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Its fatal, thousands die in the great Red Pimpernel Fever epidemic.
ITs caused by poop water.
FancyShark
It will have a resurgence after a TikTok influencer pitches it as a cure-all
BlindMonkey
Or rats. Or rats in poop water. Rat water was a delicacy
BlindMonkey
I go through three bottles a day
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Still is, they call it Bristol Crunchy Water now.
gellaho
Well, there's the Italian quota met
FancyShark
"No, I said people, Dewhurst"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Itsa me, Rico! I helpa you witha da smuggling! Spaghet!
gellaho
It was Andre btw
BlindMonkey
I wonder if there's ribbing between different centuries of time traveler
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Ita wasa me, Andre, the wholea time!"
"Andre we told you to stop talking like that, where did you learn that anyway?"
"Mario 64."
BlindMonkey
Spoiling games across the timeline gets you hung
FancyShark
I bet they screw with reenactors all the time
gellaho
Andre explodes Mongoose's time machine
gellaho
FancyShark
ngl, I read that as "remote cockblock unit"
BlindMonkey
We prefer "roommate"
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Man if your time machine security device is so sensitive all it takes to make it detonate your failsafe self destruct is kicking the control panel, you might be a bit stupid. Like what if you trip and bash your elbow on it?
Mordred, Nuclear Werewoof ☢🐺
PROPHECY IN PROGRESS
(sorry to interrupt)
FancyShark
It's Brockway's wife!
gellaho
Arrrrrrr
BlindMonkey
"I love traumatizing historical figures."
"Let's show him violence rules."
gellaho
So, yeah. He comes back as a pirate in the 20 Thousand Leagues book
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Would he have lived that long?
Because ngl Nemo vs Lafitte is a setup I would read the hell out of.
gellaho
At that point the time travel gets real weird.
Spoiler alert: Jules Verne is in it
BlindMonkey
I will always respect a manic swing for the fences
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Oh come on, that's not even Verne's schtick. Wells was the time machine guy
Get it together, Hawke
gellaho
Demmed
gellaho
Oh, don't worry. He shows up eventually
In the one with vampires
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
doing laps around my couch & pumping my fist rn
gellaho
That book also has Arthur Conan Doyle and Bram Stoker
Because Simon has completely stopped giving a shit at that point
BlindMonkey
Now that's strawberry syrup on bbq burger
BlindMonkey
What a strange way of spelling "ascended"
Become what he was meant to be
gellaho
Some French guy has captured Marguerite's brother. That leads to some historical poontang
gellaho
The two are one and the same
BlindMonkey
We are all desceneded from these two huh
Brendan
Be the fan fiction you want to crank it to in the world.
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
I very well might, filing that one away in the good idea vault
BlindMonkey
My finest high school writing memory was a fanfiction contest with my friends
I wrote "Spawn Gaba Gaba," which is the crossover it sounds like
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Hell, they're both public domain, I could probably shop that manuscript around
gellaho
Mongoose has employed most of 18th century Europe
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
Well they had to get through the economic upheavel somehow I suppose
FancyShark
hahaha
Cobra throwing a tantrum over his time travel club being shared
BlindMonkey
Every confusing tick in macroeconomics is time travel
gellaho
Hey Jellyband is back
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
like any idiot with a sack full of potatoes cant buy the loyalty of a third of France in the 17th century.
BlindMonkey
Jellyband has the greatest name in real or fictional history
FancyShark
Jellyband finally got back from making a deal with the devil at the crossroads
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The Horror at Camp Jellyband
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
He exchanged his soul to invent the Dover Jelly.
Its made of gravy.
And bacon.
gellaho
Keeping a bunch of houses up throughout time and space sounds exhausting
gellaho
It's no Tingo Spellhands
BlindMonkey
I guess we have to make them fight
I'll start typing
gellaho
RIP John Jakes, the king
Piracy is genetic
BlindMonkey
"It's premodern, Lafitte. The standards for perverting youth are much higher and more literal."
Brendan
This isn't Hawke's best bad work.
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Being a decent liar and a murderer are pretty good talents to have in any time period.
BlindMonkey
Only way through grad school really
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Lafitte in the 20th-21st century is probably just a normal finance bro.
BlindMonkey
heheh
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
The Sea Wolf of Wall Street
gellaho
They all end up in the same end and... Laser fight
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
High Noon At Laser Inn!
gellaho
You gotta wade through two French books to get to the good stuff
BlindMonkey
Oh god all of Three Ninjas just flashed before my eyes at once
Like the Manchurian fucking candidate
gellaho
Although the next one about Zenda isn't fantastic, the ending is
BlindMonkey
How do I exorcise these visions
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Vesper, lambda, pheasant, winter.
gellaho
The Greek one is really the cream of the crop, but we have a ways to go
Shoot, I think
FancyShark
"So hold my fire?"
gellaho
Cobra gets double murdered
FancyShark
AGAIN
Badger, "Olllll' Skunkfoot"
TIME MURDER
Brendan
or un-murdered
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
or......re murdered?
Im not clear on the rules.
BlindMonkey
Honestly, I really do just come to time travel for blaster-powered french revolutions
gellaho
Whee
BlindMonkey
So kudos to the author
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
double doublecrossed!
BlindMonkey
If someone that talks like this saves your life, you're in one of those nice versions of The Matrix that Agent Smith was going on about
gellaho
Time for the 10 page epilogue
BlindMonkey
Does it have its own epilogue
gellaho
Something something time bandits
gellaho
The prologue had a prologue, so I wouldn't be surprised
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Damn Simon, leaving the Nazi treasure til the last part of the book. Classy.
BlindMonkey
Wait
If you're a time traveler
Why do you need to wait for the nazis to
Nab an object
gellaho
Uh oh
FancyShark
Goddammit, Hawke. We talked about this
BlindMonkey
Just gonna drizzle that in
FancyShark
I appreciate that we didn't find out Cobra was a sex criminal until the second time he died
BlindMonkey
I wonder what his masculinity blog was called
gellaho
Cobra isn't Darrow. I know it's confusing because I left out most of the bullshit future organizational politics
The important thing is that none of it matters for the rest of the series
I mean, yeah, obviously. That's what I was thinking
FancyShark
Here's the best twist: Hawke is progressive IRL
BlindMonkey
Layers
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Welp..........those people are some other timelines problem now, i guess?
gellaho
I'm skipping most of this, but just know this is mostly a very long and confusing time monologue
FancyShark
There's some timeline where people evolved from candy that just got a bunch of sex pests dumped on them
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
When timelines get introduced everything gets so vague, I miss when Timecop suggested too much timing just made you melt.
BlindMonkey
Man I can't even describe my order at a restaurant without someone getting bored, how do you do this monologue
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
So are we going to have a timeline war, is that what Simon is getting at? Because that would be pretty sweet.
gellaho
Whee
FancyShark
Hell yes it does
Brendan
Yeah, like he makes me look well-behaved. I wonder if all of his work isn't parody.
gellaho
You know what's hilarious? Yes, but not because of this
This is never brought up again
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Rad.
I love me a good Mobius Front.
gellaho
Something really crazy happens at the end of the next book that leads to that
FancyShark
He said in an interview he writes whatever he thinks sounds awesome. I think he's channeling his inner teen and running with it
Edgelord warts and all
BlindMonkey
This is the best way to pay rent
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Not gonna lie, I would play D&D at Simons table.
It would rule.
Brendan
Only respect.
gellaho
"I love the way that kid killed without remorse"
FancyShark
They bunked with Ishmael
BlindMonkey
I should reread that
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Had being the operative word, we scrambled their brains so hard that Jean thinks he is the star of a 1990 movie about a dictator with flying magnet boots."
gellaho
What a fun way to end
BlindMonkey
"You can think about being Galactus. Or get schwasty."
FancyShark
"So I don't have to pay child support in this future?"
"No, you pay double."
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
"Eh. Ive killed a bunch of people. Pass the wine."
Brendan
Larry David playing Galactus is my new thing.
gellaho
If the stars are gods, the stars are ours!
Brendan
"You destroyed trillions of souls by shifting the timeline, Galan!!" |Curb theme plays|
gellaho
We have defeated Time Wards #3: The Pimpernel Plot
Brendan
Have we though?
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Nice, Roger Zelazny. This Immortal wasnt my jam as much but still solid.
Brendan
Or is this the only possible surviving observable timeline after it defeated us infinitely?
BlindMonkey
Only in this timeline. In the other one it whipped our asses.
Damn it
gellaho
So ends the 97th Edition of The Book Cage
Brendan
No shame in being beaten by the sixth-best, kid.
100 coming up fast.
gellaho
May all your enemies be laser knifed
BlindMonkey
Why do I even pay for a training dungeon
FancyShark
We did it!
Mind Melter Flippant Sausage
Feels good to slip back into a Simon Hawke.
Brendan
We wouldn't even have a book cage without him. Gellaho is the mastermind, Hawke is the soul.
FancyShark
Great riffing, everybody! Have a night filled with flintlock pistols!
