97: Time Wars #3: The Pimpernel Plot Simon Hawke

gellaho

Matters of the flesh

FancyShark

Maybe it means she has filthy eyebrows

GDC

Delaney sat and thought of boning.

FancyShark

What man hasn't contemplated the possibility of bedding someone?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cool, Finn and Delaney are gonna double team her.

Assuming they dont have a drinking contest to see who has to play the back nine, so to speak.

It's fine, Andre can take over if they pass out.

FancyShark

In the 17th century, that's a helluva gamble

gellaho

Trying to remember if Delaney was the one who got crabs from Maid Marian

FancyShark

Not a sentence I expected to read today

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Antibiotics and special shampoos from the future can fix most dick based diseases.

GDC

You want to bone, but she hates your guts. A real puzzler.

gellaho

The long churchwarden

FancyShark

In the future, that's called a Dieblemma

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Antibiotics cant fix having your balls touch your coworkers balls and having to wonder if that makes you married legally in 17th century France.

gellaho

MUST. HIDE. BONER!

gellaho

I think that's how the French say hello

gottem

FancyShark

LIIIIIIPS

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

ooof and the fashion for the time was tight pants, thats gonna be a penalty to Hide Boner.

gellaho

Blue balls will do that

FancyShark

Not since Taipan has a book dwelled so much on a dude wanting to bang a French lady

Brendan

BROCKWAY PIN THIS

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

You could just jack off, its the 17th century, people are used to ignoring it.

gellaho

Her life seems great

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Still hot tho.

FancyShark

Headwounds are the new sexy

GDC

She breasted boobily across the Channel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Her Bud Lite tramp stamp glistens in the sunlight as prettily as the day she got it from Big Earls Tat Shack.

Brendan

I would shatter a thousand time streams

Why can't he impregnate his great-grandma again?

Brendan

Hawke finally learned a synonym for tatterdemalion.

FancyShark

Because she's de-

oh wait, you mean via time travel

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Chronobanging your ancestors is a good way to wake up with a Habsburg jaw.

Unless you do butt stuff, then its fine.

Brendan

I have to imagine your great^10 grandma is less closely related to you than your fourth cousin.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Practice safe sex, time perverts.

Brendan

LOOK LET ME HAVE THIS IT'S BEEN A ROUGH MONTH

FancyShark

, Your Honor

gellaho

The inspiration for Zorro and Batman certainly is something, isn't it?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Look, Brendan, your great grandma was a looker in her day, its fine, nobody can meaningfully judge you.

gellaho

I should correct something I said earlier. When I said, "Delaney slowly becomes the protagonist," I meant "suddenly and abruptly"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

What you do with a time machine is between you, your grandma, a porpoise, a stuffed lion, and Chronomaster Jones.

specifically this lion.

gellaho

Come on, that's not his name

FancyShark

That is a blues musician from New Orleans circa 1965

Hawke, you can just say "friendly". Hail-fellow-well-met is tedious

Brendan

Mr. Jellyband is a Neil Gaiman character who's actually compressed into a meatsuit.

gellaho

But, you're OK with "well-girthed"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Jellyband invented six kinds of jelly desserts, including the Saxon Jelly Roll.

gellaho

I mean, good for him, but I don't need to hear about it

Brendan

If it's not balding do you even have a pate?

FancyShark

I wasn't looking at his crotch

GDC

"piscatory air" is a polite way of saying it smelled like rotting fish.

gellaho

Manly looking wrench

gellaho

I'll keep the typo

FancyShark

Next haircut, demand they shave your pate. Just know the nearest exit first

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I do love a good tricorne hat.

Far superior to the bicorne.

gellaho

I'm sure everyone remembers the duplicitous time agent Mongoose

GDC

That extra corne really brings it together

Brendan

Shark, here's what you missed: nothing.

Legitimately just 100 pages of a single agent being sent back in time to pose as the scarlet pimp

He turned down my ex girlfriend like a fucking dope.

FancyShark

Characters need flaws

And that's a flaw if ever there was one

gellaho

It worried him a substantial amount. It worried him largely. The quantity it worried him was vast.

FancyShark

How big is his worry? SO BIG!

gellaho

Bad news: halve that

Brendan

Are we counting the 50 pages erased by changing the Minus Timeline to celibacy?

FancyShark

I hope I didn't miss any earnest reminders to buy swiss army knives as gifts

gellaho

"A fine looking woman I've separated you from by the distance of an Elizabethan mansion"

FancyShark

"Big trouble, if that steamer trunk of dynamite and halberds she has is any indication"

gellaho

Zen physics is what Simon calls "literary convenience"

FancyShark

How do you do a class on coincidence? Do you just watch poorly written movies?

gellaho

Simon was ahead of the curve on computer crime

FancyShark

"Hard Time in Social Service" has to be a porno

Brendan

Mission parameters: escort the NPC to the crusades but DO NOT FUCK HER

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Okay Simons vision of the future including a gulag for 4Channers? Hell yeahs.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Mission Rating S, for Sexy.

gellaho

Ffor Ffoulkes Ssake

FancyShark

Look, you don't have to watch Downton Abbey if you don't want to. I just thought you'd like it. You don't have to pretend like you saw it just to spare my feelings.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

To be fair tho Ffoulkes and Dewhurst are like mid tier English lord names.

Lord Wrigglesworth is a real one, after all.

gellaho

Andre the sociopath

FancyShark

Forgot that Andre was the absolute badass in the previous stories

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

French people famously dont count when it comes to kill tally.

FancyShark

They're like triscuits

gellaho

The sociopathic tendency isn't abated when she starts talking about people like they're animals

Brendan

What happened to you guys in France?

Okay, she murdered a family, but counterpoint, unlike Andre she has PERFECT breasts.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Andre is willing to do you the Forbidden Coworker Solids, which is nice if frowned upon by HR.

Brendan

Also they were nobles, so are they even really human?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

I'm pretty sure the nobility are like three quarters pheasant anyway.

FancyShark

They're mostly cloth and wigs

gellaho

The prince of Wales comes to visit for a party. Then this paragraph quickly goes off the rails. At least the page number is appropriate

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Nice.

FancyShark

Nice

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Its not a Georgian party til people are fucking in the bushes.

GDC

Lord Byron is doing laudanum off someone's ass

gellaho

This is a hunt, so running through the woods naked is a choice

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hunt for poon tang, amirite?

FancyShark

The wood ticks love the party too

gellaho

What the fuck am I reading

FancyShark

Okay, apparently churchwarden pipes are just pipes with long stems

Brendan

Look how fucking huge my meerschaum is, ladies.

It's rosy pink

Note the ornate veining carved along its pipe shaft

And the perfectly shaped bulbous head

gellaho

Simon Hawke indulges in irony

Brendan

Would milady care to puff 'pon my 'schaum?

FancyShark

Sir, please just take a plate and move along. The buffet is closing soon.

Brendan

But my good sirrah, my trilobite meerschaum is all aglow, and none shall suckle on the mouthpiece?!

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Of course the English are starving too, but they love it."

**45/*

gellaho

So, blah blah blah they introduce the Scarlet Pimpernel

FancyShark

Now I'm hungry for dark bread

gellaho

Stimulate the juices

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

hehehehe. Members.

FancyShark

Simon is writing snooty like a boss

@Brendan , you need to crash this party

gellaho

Polish the ebony cane

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Way to give away its a sword cane, Simon.

FancyShark

All just to look nice for dinner. Rich people are weird

gellaho

Solid torture zinger

Brendan

"Okay, Finn, now you're making fun of me."

FancyShark

I thought Mongoose died fighting Cobra

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Just for that, Finn, Im going to go back in time and give your mother syphillis."

FancyShark

"Again"

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"ROGUE AGENT!"

gellaho

That's what you get for trying to cheat at the maze, Finn

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Well at least its blood and not something else.

GDC

The best part is it's too embarrassing to admit you got lost in a hedge maze.

FancyShark

Finn, you're from the future. Burn the hedge maze with laserfire and blame the poor

gellaho

WHO TOLD YOU I'M INTO GUILLOTINING!

FancyShark

They're French aristocrats. They'll buy it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Poor Mrs. O'Leary.

FancyShark

Let's hope Simon never learned the even-more gruesome facts about the guillotine.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Pfft, im a specially trained time agent, I only do emotionless butt stuff, I cant fall in love."

FancyShark

Like how the blade wasn't always stable and could shift and shudder a lot on the way down

gellaho

Eventually Simon learns not to write like this because, Jesus Christ, there are so many unnecessary details in this book

gellaho

I'm not suggesting you actually read that

GDC

Classic Simon hawke wall of text info dump

Brendan

Yeah, I'm looking at that and thinking BLAH BLAH BLAH

gellaho

Although maybe you could try and guess what 20th century war they were involved in! Not a lot of fun ones available

FancyShark

Vietnam II?

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Paragraph breaks, Simon, cmon.

My bet is the Faulklands war.

FancyShark

Bay of Pigs

gellaho

Well, nothing bad ever happened in the Bastille

FancyShark

The Marquis of The Fort is in The Fort?

gellaho

The ARs really accelerated

FancyShark

They were the iPhones of the gun world

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

AR-107s are fine but the 105 came in so many fun colors.

FancyShark

The AR-98 was the last one with a Home button

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Really the 72 was the worst, it had that proprietary and very expensive to replace charger.

gellaho

That sounds about right for revolutionary France

Brendan

Can't they just like open a time portal in the Bastille?

FancyShark

They're not Time Splitters. Sadly.

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This book would be so much more fun if it had a passage where they battled a horde of monkeys with miniguns.

gellaho

Looks like Lee Harvey Oswald has arrived

FancyShark

Any given video game when the player finds the sniper rifle

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

its only fun with Havok physics.

gellaho

Ah, just a kid

gellaho

FancyShark

If Rico Rodriguez shows up, this will get even radder

gellaho

He's mostly made of pistols

BlindMonkey

Finn is fast on the upkeep I see

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahaha wait he was in a building sniping with pistols?!

FancyShark

Long buildup for the kid being the murderer

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

FLINTLOCK PISTOLS?!

FancyShark

Fucking champ

gellaho

You are indeed wise

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

My immersion!

FancyShark

This is why children make me nervous

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

They always have another flintlock.

gellaho

Well, time to punch out the twelve-year-old

BlindMonkey

…You may have inspired the greatest condom ad campaign of all time

At least the most action packed

GDC

Kid was carrying his own weight in old timey guns

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

This is why when you catch a child sniper you should always hang them upside down and jiggle them so their guns and loose coins fall out.

BlindMonkey

Ah, the old Congo High-Five

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Lucas is lucky this kid hasnt given him a new speed hole with his fuckin brace of pistols.

gellaho

I'm very disappointed

BlindMonkey

Maybe he's a game merchant

So quick to judge

ArmOwOred Cur Furry of RUwUbicon

+2 Evil Points

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Yeah i mean two expert future soldiers got their asses handed to them by a little boy, I'd be disappointed too.

FancyShark

He should have sent the kid to stand in the corner for shooting his dad in the head

gellaho

Hitting that little boy has riled up the ol' blood lust

FancyShark

KISS

KIIIIISSSSS

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"I'm blood horny and you look like a good fuck."

BlindMonkey

To this cover's credit, I scrolled up to it and got all the context I'd ever need

gellaho

Hell, yes, Simon! Become the Simon Hawke you were destined to be!

FancyShark

📯

BlindMonkey

Child soldiers are like pringles: a sad product of a broken order

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

"Dogfucker" rolls off the tongue nicely.

gellaho

Interrogate the child!

FancyShark

Please say the boy's last name is Val Jean

BlindMonkey

There's a classic species of line that sounds cool until you say or type or hand-sign it

I think that's a good example

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Missed a "My name is Fucked your Mother, whats it to you?"

FancyShark

It's Simon Hawke's specialty

The Voice of Doom is legit rad though

gellaho

I'm seeing double, four Pimpernels!

gellaho

By the by, this little boy comes back in two books. I'm not telling you how

BlindMonkey

Independent child assassins, doin' it for themselves

GDC

Beats sweeping chimneys

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Fifty francs is pretty good cash for two random dipshits.

BlindMonkey

Think of all the cake it can buy

Brendan

I feel like a child gets punched out in every installment of this series.

BlindMonkey

He should make it every chapter break

gellaho

That's how the Hardy Boys do it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

When your cast is all boys, its wall to wall child punching.

gellaho

Pretty good pistol sniping for never shooting before

BlindMonkey

Like the wireframe team from Smash Bros

gellaho

Terrifying child

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

The fact its flintlocks is what flabbergasts me, those things are so shitty you are lucky if all your pistols fire at all, let alone hit anything from more than ten feet away.

BlindMonkey

The murder version of walking uphill through snow I guess

gellaho

He was contracted by Mongoose so they could be future guns

But, probably not

ArmOwOred Cur Furry of RUwUbicon

modern murderers have it too easy

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Kid has a future as a COD streamer.

gellaho

Kids are fun

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Hahahahh Jean rules.

BlindMonkey

I want to buy this child a Refused tshirt

I'm so in

gellaho

It is pretty funny

BlindMonkey

He's telling me about the Economy of Death in French

gellaho

I do like that Simon stole @FancyShark's Cobra joke from the past

BlindMonkey

Cobra and Mongoose. They'll be tagging together by next year

Brendan

Nobody gets your ivy jokes, Princeton.

FancyShark

If I'm gonna be robbed, might as well be by the best

Brendan

What did I JUST say?

gellaho

When I think Cobra, I think Aryan

gellaho

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

GIF

BlindMonkey

My Illuminati life coach says that was hilarious

And to send more tributes. Always more tribute. Always more blood.

gellaho

Cobra's specialty is opposing 18th century revolutions apparently

FancyShark

Future hobbies rule

BlindMonkey

Benedict Arnold, catching strays until the sun is a dead black dot

FancyShark

I love how every time travel thing, from Time Wars to Assassin's Creed to Star Trek, always manages to have the heroes hang out with notable historical figures

gellaho

Alright, so Mongoose is Carles Bronson. Got it.

BlindMonkey

I got a lot of laughs out of that in the Ezio trilogy. If you stopped to wash your hands, you'd meet Ulysses Soap, founder of scrubbing out for drinks

gellaho

The HDDVD of the American Revolution

Cobra goes all-in on a fucking death metaphor

Brendan

Hey, fuck you I grew up in those swamps you snob

BlindMonkey

If you travel back to France and they use a Latin phrase, do you hear Latin or

Eh fuck it

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

And that is why a "Swamp McGinley" is a sandwich in four counties in New York.

gellaho

Boy, organizational politics sure are interes... zzzzzz

FancyShark

We have gotten so far away from sexy knight lady slaughtering any fool that steps to her

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Simon, lets get back to Jean, Boy Gunman.

BlindMonkey

It can't be all that. Otherwise...actually, hold on. Shark might be on to something

gellaho

Come on, Simon! You know those lips should be moistened!

gellaho

1984 Simon just hasn't quite developed

FancyShark

Had he even started the Steele books yet?

gellaho

Holy fuck

gellaho

No likey the giganto paragraphs

BlindMonkey

she became more beautiful to become more wifelike to become more seductive to become more pretty to become more hot to become more more

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

God the editor did a bad job with this one.

gellaho

He completed all six in about a year and a half

gellaho

What a legend

FancyShark

Blakeney living out Married With Children in 17th century France

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Truly Simon is the Stephen King of Book Cage.

BlindMonkey

Hot Damn

I need to pick it up

FancyShark

So he's still five years away from realizing his destiny

FancyShark

https://www.gellaho.com/book_series

Gellaho's got you covered

gellaho

The Wizard of 4th Street is where he got his groove. Until he didn't

Andre's talking to Finn about loving Marguerite

Then the male prostitute comes back, bet you weren't expecting that

gellaho

But twas a prank!

BlindMonkey

Rutting is one of those words you can't convince me anyone ever used, even with video

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Cool, nobody more suited than "If you win the drinking contest I'll fuck you." lady.

gellaho

Andre is really leaning into the sociopathy now

FancyShark

Her body count makes more sense now

Mind Melter Flippant Sausage

Andre is a great example of why you cant take a medieval warrior and expect them to get along fine transplanted to a different time period.

gellaho

"Better fuck her just in case"

FancyShark

For the record: still would. But I'd probably be found the next morning in a ditch