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Matters of the flesh
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#3 Time Wars
Matters of the flesh
Maybe it means she has filthy eyebrows
Delaney sat and thought of boning.
What man hasn't contemplated the possibility of bedding someone?
Cool, Finn and Delaney are gonna double team her.
Assuming they dont have a drinking contest to see who has to play the back nine, so to speak.
It's fine, Andre can take over if they pass out.
In the 17th century, that's a helluva gamble
Trying to remember if Delaney was the one who got crabs from Maid Marian
Not a sentence I expected to read today
Antibiotics and special shampoos from the future can fix most dick based diseases.
You want to bone, but she hates your guts. A real puzzler.
The long churchwarden
In the future, that's called a Dieblemma
Antibiotics cant fix having your balls touch your coworkers balls and having to wonder if that makes you married legally in 17th century France.
MUST. HIDE. BONER!
I think that's how the French say hello
gottem
LIIIIIIPS
ooof and the fashion for the time was tight pants, thats gonna be a penalty to Hide Boner.
Blue balls will do that
Not since Taipan has a book dwelled so much on a dude wanting to bang a French lady
BROCKWAY PIN THIS
You could just jack off, its the 17th century, people are used to ignoring it.
Her life seems great
Still hot tho.
Headwounds are the new sexy
She breasted boobily across the Channel
Her Bud Lite tramp stamp glistens in the sunlight as prettily as the day she got it from Big Earls Tat Shack.
I would shatter a thousand time streams
Why can't he impregnate his great-grandma again?
Hawke finally learned a synonym for tatterdemalion.
Because she's de-
oh wait, you mean via time travel
Chronobanging your ancestors is a good way to wake up with a Habsburg jaw.
Unless you do butt stuff, then its fine.
I have to imagine your great^10 grandma is less closely related to you than your fourth cousin.
Practice safe sex, time perverts.
LOOK LET ME HAVE THIS IT'S BEEN A ROUGH MONTH
, Your Honor
The inspiration for Zorro and Batman certainly is something, isn't it?
Look, Brendan, your great grandma was a looker in her day, its fine, nobody can meaningfully judge you.
I should correct something I said earlier. When I said, "Delaney slowly becomes the protagonist," I meant "suddenly and abruptly"
What you do with a time machine is between you, your grandma, a porpoise, a stuffed lion, and Chronomaster Jones.
specifically this lion.
Come on, that's not his name
That is a blues musician from New Orleans circa 1965
Hawke, you can just say "friendly". Hail-fellow-well-met is tedious
Mr. Jellyband is a Neil Gaiman character who's actually compressed into a meatsuit.
But, you're OK with "well-girthed"
Jellyband invented six kinds of jelly desserts, including the Saxon Jelly Roll.
I mean, good for him, but I don't need to hear about it
If it's not balding do you even have a pate?
I wasn't looking at his crotch
"piscatory air" is a polite way of saying it smelled like rotting fish.
Manly looking wrench
I'll keep the typo
Next haircut, demand they shave your pate. Just know the nearest exit first
I do love a good tricorne hat.
Far superior to the bicorne.
I'm sure everyone remembers the duplicitous time agent Mongoose
That extra corne really brings it together
Shark, here's what you missed: nothing.
Legitimately just 100 pages of a single agent being sent back in time to pose as the scarlet pimp
He turned down my ex girlfriend like a fucking dope.
Characters need flaws
And that's a flaw if ever there was one
It worried him a substantial amount. It worried him largely. The quantity it worried him was vast.
How big is his worry? SO BIG!
Bad news: halve that
Are we counting the 50 pages erased by changing the Minus Timeline to celibacy?
I hope I didn't miss any earnest reminders to buy swiss army knives as gifts
"A fine looking woman I've separated you from by the distance of an Elizabethan mansion"
"Big trouble, if that steamer trunk of dynamite and halberds she has is any indication"
Zen physics is what Simon calls "literary convenience"
How do you do a class on coincidence? Do you just watch poorly written movies?
Simon was ahead of the curve on computer crime
"Hard Time in Social Service" has to be a porno
Mission parameters: escort the NPC to the crusades but DO NOT FUCK HER
Okay Simons vision of the future including a gulag for 4Channers? Hell yeahs.
Mission Rating S, for Sexy.
Ffor Ffoulkes Ssake
Look, you don't have to watch Downton Abbey if you don't want to. I just thought you'd like it. You don't have to pretend like you saw it just to spare my feelings.
To be fair tho Ffoulkes and Dewhurst are like mid tier English lord names.
Lord Wrigglesworth is a real one, after all.
Andre the sociopath
Forgot that Andre was the absolute badass in the previous stories
French people famously dont count when it comes to kill tally.
They're like triscuits
The sociopathic tendency isn't abated when she starts talking about people like they're animals
What happened to you guys in France?
Okay, she murdered a family, but counterpoint, unlike Andre she has PERFECT breasts.
Andre is willing to do you the Forbidden Coworker Solids, which is nice if frowned upon by HR.
Also they were nobles, so are they even really human?
I'm pretty sure the nobility are like three quarters pheasant anyway.
They're mostly cloth and wigs
The prince of Wales comes to visit for a party. Then this paragraph quickly goes off the rails. At least the page number is appropriate
Nice.
Nice
Its not a Georgian party til people are fucking in the bushes.
Lord Byron is doing laudanum off someone's ass
This is a hunt, so running through the woods naked is a choice
Hunt for poon tang, amirite?
The wood ticks love the party too
What the fuck am I reading
Okay, apparently churchwarden pipes are just pipes with long stems
Look how fucking huge my meerschaum is, ladies.
It's rosy pink
Note the ornate veining carved along its pipe shaft
And the perfectly shaped bulbous head
Simon Hawke indulges in irony
Would milady care to puff 'pon my 'schaum?
Sir, please just take a plate and move along. The buffet is closing soon.
But my good sirrah, my trilobite meerschaum is all aglow, and none shall suckle on the mouthpiece?!
"Of course the English are starving too, but they love it."
**45/*
So, blah blah blah they introduce the Scarlet Pimpernel
Now I'm hungry for dark bread
Stimulate the juices
hehehehe. Members.
Simon is writing snooty like a boss
@Brendan , you need to crash this party
Polish the ebony cane
Way to give away its a sword cane, Simon.
All just to look nice for dinner. Rich people are weird
Solid torture zinger
"Okay, Finn, now you're making fun of me."
I thought Mongoose died fighting Cobra
"Just for that, Finn, Im going to go back in time and give your mother syphillis."
"Again"
"ROGUE AGENT!"
That's what you get for trying to cheat at the maze, Finn
Well at least its blood and not something else.
The best part is it's too embarrassing to admit you got lost in a hedge maze.
Finn, you're from the future. Burn the hedge maze with laserfire and blame the poor
WHO TOLD YOU I'M INTO GUILLOTINING!
They're French aristocrats. They'll buy it
Poor Mrs. O'Leary.
Let's hope Simon never learned the even-more gruesome facts about the guillotine.
"Pfft, im a specially trained time agent, I only do emotionless butt stuff, I cant fall in love."
Like how the blade wasn't always stable and could shift and shudder a lot on the way down
Eventually Simon learns not to write like this because, Jesus Christ, there are so many unnecessary details in this book
I'm not suggesting you actually read that
Classic Simon hawke wall of text info dump
Yeah, I'm looking at that and thinking BLAH BLAH BLAH
Although maybe you could try and guess what 20th century war they were involved in! Not a lot of fun ones available
Vietnam II?
Paragraph breaks, Simon, cmon.
My bet is the Faulklands war.
Bay of Pigs
Well, nothing bad ever happened in the Bastille
The Marquis of The Fort is in The Fort?
The ARs really accelerated
They were the iPhones of the gun world
AR-107s are fine but the 105 came in so many fun colors.
The AR-98 was the last one with a Home button
Really the 72 was the worst, it had that proprietary and very expensive to replace charger.
That sounds about right for revolutionary France
Can't they just like open a time portal in the Bastille?
They're not Time Splitters. Sadly.
This book would be so much more fun if it had a passage where they battled a horde of monkeys with miniguns.
Looks like Lee Harvey Oswald has arrived
Any given video game when the player finds the sniper rifle
its only fun with Havok physics.
Ah, just a kid
If Rico Rodriguez shows up, this will get even radder
He's mostly made of pistols
Finn is fast on the upkeep I see
Hahahaha wait he was in a building sniping with pistols?!
Long buildup for the kid being the murderer
FLINTLOCK PISTOLS?!
Fucking champ
You are indeed wise
My immersion!
This is why children make me nervous
They always have another flintlock.
Well, time to punch out the twelve-year-old
…You may have inspired the greatest condom ad campaign of all time
At least the most action packed
Kid was carrying his own weight in old timey guns
This is why when you catch a child sniper you should always hang them upside down and jiggle them so their guns and loose coins fall out.
Ah, the old Congo High-Five
Lucas is lucky this kid hasnt given him a new speed hole with his fuckin brace of pistols.
I'm very disappointed
Maybe he's a game merchant
So quick to judge
+2 Evil Points
Yeah i mean two expert future soldiers got their asses handed to them by a little boy, I'd be disappointed too.
He should have sent the kid to stand in the corner for shooting his dad in the head
Hitting that little boy has riled up the ol' blood lust
KISS
KIIIIISSSSS
"I'm blood horny and you look like a good fuck."
To this cover's credit, I scrolled up to it and got all the context I'd ever need
Hell, yes, Simon! Become the Simon Hawke you were destined to be!
📯
Child soldiers are like pringles: a sad product of a broken order
"Dogfucker" rolls off the tongue nicely.
Interrogate the child!
Please say the boy's last name is Val Jean
There's a classic species of line that sounds cool until you say or type or hand-sign it
I think that's a good example
Missed a "My name is Fucked your Mother, whats it to you?"
It's Simon Hawke's specialty
The Voice of Doom is legit rad though
I'm seeing double, four Pimpernels!
By the by, this little boy comes back in two books. I'm not telling you how
Independent child assassins, doin' it for themselves
Beats sweeping chimneys
Fifty francs is pretty good cash for two random dipshits.
Think of all the cake it can buy
I feel like a child gets punched out in every installment of this series.
He should make it every chapter break
That's how the Hardy Boys do it
When your cast is all boys, its wall to wall child punching.
Pretty good pistol sniping for never shooting before
Like the wireframe team from Smash Bros
Terrifying child
The fact its flintlocks is what flabbergasts me, those things are so shitty you are lucky if all your pistols fire at all, let alone hit anything from more than ten feet away.
The murder version of walking uphill through snow I guess
He was contracted by Mongoose so they could be future guns
But, probably not
modern murderers have it too easy
Kid has a future as a COD streamer.
Kids are fun
Hahahahh Jean rules.
I want to buy this child a Refused tshirt
I'm so in
It is pretty funny
He's telling me about the Economy of Death in French
I do like that Simon stole @FancyShark's Cobra joke from the past
Cobra and Mongoose. They'll be tagging together by next year
Nobody gets your ivy jokes, Princeton.
If I'm gonna be robbed, might as well be by the best
What did I JUST say?
When I think Cobra, I think Aryan
GIF
My Illuminati life coach says that was hilarious
And to send more tributes. Always more tribute. Always more blood.
Cobra's specialty is opposing 18th century revolutions apparently
Future hobbies rule
Benedict Arnold, catching strays until the sun is a dead black dot
I love how every time travel thing, from Time Wars to Assassin's Creed to Star Trek, always manages to have the heroes hang out with notable historical figures
Alright, so Mongoose is Carles Bronson. Got it.
I got a lot of laughs out of that in the Ezio trilogy. If you stopped to wash your hands, you'd meet Ulysses Soap, founder of scrubbing out for drinks
The HDDVD of the American Revolution
Cobra goes all-in on a fucking death metaphor
Hey, fuck you I grew up in those swamps you snob
If you travel back to France and they use a Latin phrase, do you hear Latin or
Eh fuck it
And that is why a "Swamp McGinley" is a sandwich in four counties in New York.
Boy, organizational politics sure are interes... zzzzzz
We have gotten so far away from sexy knight lady slaughtering any fool that steps to her
Simon, lets get back to Jean, Boy Gunman.
It can't be all that. Otherwise...actually, hold on. Shark might be on to something
Come on, Simon! You know those lips should be moistened!
1984 Simon just hasn't quite developed
Had he even started the Steele books yet?
Holy fuck
No likey the giganto paragraphs
she became more beautiful to become more wifelike to become more seductive to become more pretty to become more hot to become more more
God the editor did a bad job with this one.
He completed all six in about a year and a half
What a legend
Blakeney living out Married With Children in 17th century France
Truly Simon is the Stephen King of Book Cage.
Hot Damn
I need to pick it up
So he's still five years away from realizing his destiny
https://www.gellaho.com/book_series
Gellaho's got you covered
The Wizard of 4th Street is where he got his groove. Until he didn't
Andre's talking to Finn about loving Marguerite
Then the male prostitute comes back, bet you weren't expecting that
But twas a prank!
Rutting is one of those words you can't convince me anyone ever used, even with video
Cool, nobody more suited than "If you win the drinking contest I'll fuck you." lady.
Andre is really leaning into the sociopathy now
Her body count makes more sense now
Andre is a great example of why you cant take a medieval warrior and expect them to get along fine transplanted to a different time period.
"Better fuck her just in case"
For the record: still would. But I'd probably be found the next morning in a ditch