#3 Photon
The Bhodi Li saga continues! This time, we've got Peter David's signature along to help us in Photon: In Search of MOM. Will the laser tag wielding Photon Guardians be able to save mommy from the Arrian aliens? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern.
@Brockway can I get a pin?
Somebody really cared for these books, kept them in great shape, and got them signed
It's too bad I'm probably going to spill my drink on some of the pages
It's nice to see a book kept in good condition, even if the book is terrible. It shows that someone gave a shit at at least one step in its life
Here's the preview for Photon: In Search of MOM
Looking like there's going to be a DAD added
I hope we see Peter work through some parent issues
But does he sing bass?
It looks like he's going to try to add lore to this
BTW, @gellaho I read your archived coverage of Bad Rap. It was even more amazing than expected
Oh no there’s a DAD now too
“You’re not my real DAD,” Bodhi sputtered
He's going into some kind of cosmic gods region here
That is just how the book starts. No Prologue, or chapter title
You get dedication, copyright info, first page all crammed together
I...kinda like it? It reminds me of Discworld. Just not witty
MEANWHILE
I like the implication the conversation is about the copyright info
Have we met Jarvis before?
He is Bhodi Li
Oh
But on Earth without the Photon energy
THE BERKLEY B LOGO IS TRADEMARKED
“Ahh a bold move!”
Damn Bog Beasts
Sure, girlfriend
Thank you. I can't retain names easy
Laser tag gets all the chicks
Hell yeah. That's why every orgy starts with lasers
Oh, I'm sure this 17 year old ultra nerd gets it
He's got an Apple IIE. He pulls
Chicks dig guys who didn't know about Nazis until he traveled back to WWII
Of course he has a wham poster, Sexy Sax is what the women demand
I think these letters to his girlfriend are going to be evidence for the restraining order she's going to need.
"What's a Holocaust?" "TAKE ME NOW"
It's a text adventure? That's a Panty dropper
"And that was the moment that bog beasts chose to attack" is a solid opening line to any book
Oh shit. Is this going to cross over with Brockway's text adventure?
Getting into arguments with your sister about computer games?
Checking items off the hunk checklist
Haha, this nerd has a cradle modem
Bhodi Li: World's Greatest Detective
No, it was "HELL OF A WAIT FOR YOU TO REMEMBER ONLY I CAN TALK TO YOU LIKE THIS"
Bhodi Li takes whatever is given to him without question
I would have a lot of questions about this system
Just obscene amounts of questions
What the hell is the structure of that first sentence supposed to be
Listen, it's what MOMMY told him. So he's gotta listen
It might be a bad translation
"Also, can we go over what this has to do with laser tag again?"
DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM!?
To be honest I'd be uncomfortable with what is essentially a game for dominance over the galaxy
Was this some sort of truce agreement? Bet between all powerful cosmic entities? Poorly thought out plot element?
I need to keep a tally at each of these readings for each time I want to kick Bhodi's ass
This is a book about laser tag that started out with Hitler. All bets are off
Just count up the number of pages posted?
"Why are we using child soldiers? Especially extremely stupid ones, like Bhodi Li."
"If they die, no one cares"
Imagine Bhodi just sitting there, sadly playing laser tag
They don't ask questions
Especially about nazis, apparently
It's also weird that he's being called Bhodi here when he hasn't gone through his transformation sequence
I'd like to see a gritty reboot of photon
Not because it would be good or worthwhile, I'd just like to see it
I feel like we're seeing the fantasy just drop from Bhodi's brain and he's just been beating up little kids in laser tag this whole time
I don't know that I want the gritty Photon Holocaust
Coward
It would just be a looping animation of one guy getting shot by a laser
You kissed Tivia in the last book, get it together
this reads like a parody I'd find in someone else's book
Why can't he talk to Baethan? Would it get too awesome?
Bhodi says fuck you to his friends and family
This is unbelievably funny
I’m just catching up and I can’t stop laughing
Bhodi Li is the worst
Go ahead, invoke the name of one of the greatest women in scifi. I can't wait for her to show up and kick your ass
Bhodi Li lives to make references
Bhodi wrote Ready Player One, didn't he?
All the other characters are just constantly thinking about what an asshole Bhodi is.
They could all contact you whenever they wanted, they just hate you.
These people are too invested in their computer
The Photons have no organizational structure at all
Shed a tear for the computer MOM
I’m waiting for the line. “DAD’s home.” It’s going to happen, book it
Locked in
Also, does this mean life support is gone?
They have a cult-like devotion to this spacestation
I don't like the idea of someone thinking they're violating something when crawling around a place they call MOM
How wide are these assholes that they need a five foot diameter
Remember that this is a small child and an orange alien that looks like Mr Potato head
This alien with three lungs seemingly cannot hold his breath for any time
It feels like Bhodi and Parcival should have their personalities swapped
I was really worried for a second, jeez
"I did it, Pike. You're dead weight. Fucker."
Back to these idiots
I love that they completely ignore bhodi's attempt to change the name of the ship.
How are the Arrians still around
They don’t ever do shit, they just scheme a bit and play laser tag with their projections
Like why not try the time machine thing again
It's Saturday Morning Cartoon logic. If a plan doesn't work, use goons until a new one does. Never refine an old plan
I think Warriarr is going to kill himself
There’s no shortage of evil dictators in our past
Warriarr got his ass handed to him by Bhodi last time. He's bound to be feeling down
The Warlord of Arr is rumbling through his base as a shadow. Dogarr is worthless
"Warriarr" "Bhodi Li" "Lizoid" is this place the home for rejected He-Man characters?
Nobody's allowed on the Warlord of Arr's computer
"Computer. Pull up Etsy"
He doesn’t want anyone to see his ArrrnlyFans
Gasp
Giving myself the pug for that one
That is the least menacing line I've ever seen.
"Oh, it grows, DAD. It grows"
"It's not just a phase, DAD."
This has really weird implications
So DAD has MOM imprisoned. And is working with the Arrians (descendants of Hitler, remember)
Peter's taking his parents' divorce pretty hard
You recruited child soldiers to play games with other gods, MOM. You're the bad guy here.
DAD has MOM locked in the basement for her own good and to lure the kids over, this is completely normal
Remember: this is all to entice kids to play laser tag
This is so weird
My DAD is stronger than your MOM
Nuh-uh. My MOM could totally beat up your DAD if he fought fair
The Warlord making some good points about the sycophantic Photon Guardians
Rare to see a computer admit that it doesn't know when shit breaks
Either I was too drunk last time to remember this, or Peter David is doing some retconning
I'm on board for destroying Bhodi's brain
DAD with the sick burns
Do you get it, DAD?
Back to the chess playing entities
The fact that her 'children' are literal children is kind of a sticking point for me.
This laser tag tie in novel series goes to some dark places
Back at school
He would be friends with someone like Al
Al is real Photon Guardian material.
Chris aka Bhodi Li agrees
Al would go on to start a local chapter for Men's Rights
No one thinks Americans are wusses, Chris. They think Americans are bloodthirsty, trigger-happy idiots
Hahahah he learned the wrong lessons from Hitler, classic mistake
Just imagine if they'd brought back Jack the Ripper. Bhodi would be out carving up every woman he met
Bhodi Li: Moron Part 1
Part 2
Bhodi Li, who has met Hitler, unfamiliar with what a fascist is
And again: this is all intended to get kids to play laser tag
I have absolutely no idea what Peter David is trying to do here
I think we're witnessing the same breakdown as the Mega Man comic
Rephrase: I hope we're witnessing the same breakdown as the Mega Man comic
Bhodi Li: Hitler Youth
Bhodi Li, who saved his own grandmother from dying in a concentration camp, unfamiliar with the concept
MOM indoctrinated him at a very young age, it's not his fault. He's very stupid.
Parcival was home schooled by his computer MOM
He's also showed up and expects to be able to get a High Schooler out of class
He's ten years old
Fuck-up must run in the family
Mrs. Jarvis "falls" a lot, doesn't she?
"Is the laser tag illegal and dangerous?"
He told his mom his nickname meant sex machine
Hahaha
There's some really fucked up parental shit happening in this book
"Kids gotta learn some time"
I got caught up and now I'm super fucking jazzed to play laser tag
This is full of shit. Getting shitfaced and playing laser tag is awesome
Say what you will about the writing but it accomplishes what it set out to do
Parcival is a 10 year old black kid, so this is, uh, awkward
We also saw earlier that Bhodi doesn't like playing laser tag. He was disappointed to be left doing that after his transformation didn't occur
Wait, so does he actually ever play laser tag, or is that just a cover for being a power ranger?
The laser tag is the training for the power ranger thing
But Bhodi Li is so good now he don’t need practice
Also, eat shit, Mrs. Kasman
So it's a Last Starfighter sort of deal?
Seems like it
So he just hangs around the other team's spawn and blasts them while totally ignoring the objective like a dick
I mean Bhodi Li sucks shit as a person, so that behavior checks out
I don't know how to handle a weird 10 year old trying to pick up a high schooler, but this isn't it
30 years later, Bhodi Li is sitting on his couch, shouting racial slurs at a teenager in Call of Duty. He's been training for this moment his whole life.
So does Parcival have a home, or does he just hang out with space uncle and computer MOM?
Maybe all the Photon Guardians are fascists
He was an orphan who somehow had enough access to a Photon Center to get selected to be a Guardian
Ah, thank you
Now he just hangs out in space, incurious about where his family might be
He'd be about fifty, so that level of sadness checks out
This rings slightly more towards anarchist for me
Why can't these books be about Parcival? He's the only competent one.
he runs around with a bat instead of a laser gun
That's even better
Oh no
DUN DUN...
These morons parked their space ship within Earth's airspace
...dammit
These space aliens don't even have the wherewithal to keep from getting top gunned.
When 2 of the 6 Guardians are children from Earth, you don't really get to have this sense of superiority
Couldn't they just put a trenchcoat and hat on Baethan and have him retrieve Bhodi? He's got a 'stache. He could pass for human
Rather than just talking, they decided to do this
Seems like they ought to be more knowledgeable about a planet their arch-nemesis recently attempted to recruit a dictator from.
which surely won't give up the ghost
If the three aliens talking to Hitler and several Nazis didn't already let the cat out of the bag
They were also out in the open at D-Day, but there were almost no people present for that, right?
It was a small, private affair
Fuck you, Al
I know Lord Baethan has a sweet mustache, but I don't know if he's technically a man "Queen Mother"
what with being a robot
Not until his "upgrade" is installed
Based on the rules of Steele, he is only truly a man if he has a fleshy, human penis
Harsh but fair
That's some solid worldbuilding.
Please die, Bhodi
Get it, children of the 1980's? Huh? Huh?
Two Groucho Marx references
One from the child who didn't know who HITLER was
ugh
Coordinates in hyperspace
But you were still able to calculate them?
This page might as well be empty
Or say "the game continued"
I really hate this framing story
Yeah, I take back the faint praise from the start. This is just filler
This is a great relationship
Don Diebel looks at Bhodi and burns with envy
Black holes are space magic, right?
Of course. Bhodi, you go first.
1) Gross
2) he's done this before?
Didn't they go through one in the last book?
I demand these books be about Lord Baethan
Seconded
Look at him
Cyborgs (which I guess Baethan is?) have magic technology sensing power
To be clear, it's not his wizard powers that can do this, but his cyborg powers
So everything has Bluetooth/WiFi?
We already stole from Star Wars, might as well steal from Star Trek
Didn't even change the beam color
Tube lady
Because they had so much luck interacting with jagged doorways earlier
The room ahead of them? Did they need the space child to point that out?
Baethan has an idea
OK, I changed my mind about Lord Baethan
RIP
He's actually addressing what's happening on Earth
I'll give him credit for not completely ignoring the alien abduction
Which tells you how little I was expecting
Ah, but we've established that MOM can wipe memories. They'll probably MIB the planet by the end.
Not addressing it well, but there's effort
Better get some ice for that burn, unstable lady!
Cyborg is really just code for “character who can be revived/rebuilt without much trouble” I hope
These jokes are terrible
Guaranteed
Was there some mention of ice before? That joke feels insanely forced
You know what, I'm taking the military's side on this one
"Oh I'm sorry, sir. Maybe next time we engage with something that levels a school we'll ask it if it minds before we start shooting"
I love just letting the angry father scream at an officer
I'm glad Kath got in a dig at a rival sports team in the context of her brother's abduction
Aaaaaahhhhaaaaahhhahahaha
Well, that answers my question
Hahahaha
Stop referencing things
I can't believe he mentioned it
Aren’t there like 4 more books
How do you keep the story going now that the whole thing is out in the open
It's almost as bad as when he talked about Indiana Jones in his Holocaust book
It's really happening. It's turning into Ready Player One
There's apparently one he didn't write called "Thieves of Light"
Ready Player One has a specific point of reference though
This is just referencing stuff that was released like two years prior
Good point
Hmmm the Cesar Milan Photon Book does not bode well for us
You gotta be consistent. A laser pistol opened a huge hole in the earth in book 1
It bounced?! Better hope there's no collateral damage