17: In Search of MOM David Peters

gellaho

The best character is fine, everyone

gellaho

This is not an Ice situation

Really seems like you should just let the cyborg wizard take care of everything

Dr Shark

He gonna bring the thunder?

gellaho

Maybe he does suck

Dr Shark

If your magic stick is only used for healing, all you're doing is making it possible to drop the thing keeping you alive

gellaho

Maybe the lizard is the cool one

dr

Hey, robot, you’ll have better luck with that if you don’t have both hands on their head

gellaho

Nevermind, he used their only way back to the ship

gellaho

Why only have one of those

dr

why let Bhodi talk?

gellaho

They had a transporter that could be used three times in the first book, and that was dumb

Dr Shark

Send Bhodi back up there. Then purge the oxygen

gellaho

Bhodi Li: Cosmic Moron. Part I

gellaho

Part II

Dr Shark

Dammit, stop teasing us with the promise of dead Bhodi!

gellaho

The lady in the tube has a label in Aramaic, so we're going fully biblical

Dr Shark

Ugh, Peter's trying to be whimsical

gellaho

How exactly do you miss that

Dr Shark

Bhodi has trouble noticing things about women

gellaho

I hate all these people

GDC

Peter David fails in his attempt to emulate Douglas Adams.

gellaho

This is all a terrible advertisement for laser tag

gellaho

well, that didn't crop correctly, but whatever

Dr Shark

None of them thought MOM was an acronym?

GDC

Why did they think they were saying it in capitals?

gellaho

If you have been asleep since the Ice Age, you cannot know who Sleeping Beauty is

gellaho

I think they thought she was their mommy

dr

Replying to a question with the exact same line you just said is some discount Sorkin shit

gellaho

I don't appreciate this turn into Matrixville

dr

But based on timing, maybe this is where Sorkin learned it?

gellaho

This is an insane turn

gellaho

I don't appreciate this ancient computer shit

gellaho

You cannot try for gravitas and universal importance for laser tag

Dr Shark

You just summarized this whole series

Also, this lady figured out how to create lifelike AI and didn't bother sharing that with the rest of the world?

gellaho

Fuck me

Dr Shark

Are we getting Galactus?!

GDC

Galactus was two races that were not able to get along.

dr

There is no way children are reading and comprehending any of this

gellaho

Jesus Christ

gellaho

This is a prank

gellaho

nobody would actually do this

GDC

@JCantrell is right, worldbuilding sucks.

dr

This is the megaman comics all over. He hates this job and desperately wants to be fired.

gellaho

Sell laser tag, Peter. Please

Dr Shark

"You want to sell laser tag? I'll sell you some goddamn laser tag."

gellaho

I bet he thought bringing Hitler into the first book would do it

gellaho

Unfortunately for him, Photon Marketing, Ltd. does not care

Dr Shark

It makes so much more sense if this is the Mega Man comic pattern

Dr Shark

I can dream!

gellaho

Peter David clearly thought the Cold War would end poorly

But what of the Electronians?

This stupid shit

JCantrell

World's worst lensman rip off

gellaho

I think you might be getting Galactus

gellaho

I'm losing my mind

Dr Shark

Archie is Galactus is God?

I taste copper

gellaho

Dr Shark

Wasn't this the plot for Marvel vs DC?

GDC

This is The Last Question, but stupid.

gellaho

I got nothing

gellaho

Thanks for this idiotic banter

gellaho

What are you trying to accomplish Peter David?

GDC

This just...keeps going.

Dr Shark

"This enough to sell your fucking laser tag? Huh? HUH?!"

gellaho

The fact that this is Photon versus Neutron tells me Peter David failed physics

dr

“You’ll rue the day you agreed to pay me by the word”

Dr Shark

"If I cannot escape my prison, I will reduce it to rubble and ash!"

gellaho

I hate

gellaho

Everything

gellaho

I think Peter David literally confused Protons for Photons for this entire book

GDC

Doubly stupid from a man who has written Star Trek books.

gellaho

Jesus, this is stupid

Dr Shark

But they're playing chess...

gellaho

"Neutron decided to be evil, even though they were by definition neutral"

gellaho

I didn't need this explanation

gellaho

Don't you bring logic into this

Dr Shark

Peter slipped up and had Parcival speak for the audience

gellaho

Who asked for an explanation of this system earlier? This is your fault

gellaho

This is as if the light side and dark side of the force were petulant children

gellaho

And gave themselves like fifteen titles

hype slug jakesy

Oh god there’s eventually going to be a third side called Electron isn’t there

Dr Shark

Todd McFarlane wrote something similar in Spawn. It also wasn't very good

gellaho

Never saw myself siding with Bhodi

Dr Shark

There's only one way out, Bhodi. You have a gun. You know what to do

gellaho

Fuck you

gellaho

gellaho

Again, fuck you

hype slug jakesy

So it’s a game..that’s real in space..that actually turns out to still be a game in space

Dr Shark

All to sell laser tag

gellaho

God, I hate this

Really seems like you could just get away with anything during this period of time in publishing

Dr Shark

I'm clinging to the idea he's trying to sabotage himself

gellaho

Maybe

But to start Book 1 with Nazis. You'd almost think that was trying to sabotage it

Except it's the first one, so why agree to it in the first place?

GDC

He literally explains that the plot is the same as a very popular, recent movie.

Dr Shark

Maybe it was some kind of Monkey's Paw scenario. He wished to write a book series and got this.

GDC

He was already writing Star Trek books, though.

gellaho

Then again, I read his other series Psi-Man and he named a dog Rommel so maybe he's just bad

Dr Shark

Maybe he was under contract to write this for as long as it would sell?

gellaho

The fact that the computers have these names doesn't help

Dr Shark

You can bully computers to make them work? That'd be useful

gellaho

OK, don't start ripping off The Who too

gellaho

Does MOM sure play a mean pinball?

Dr Shark

We need a musical Ape to accurately react to that one

But she IS already one with the machine

gellaho

This has just been two computer programs fighting each other, which has never been exciting

Dr Shark

Command prompt: delete DAD

gellaho

Bhodi has decided that being a pawn in a cosmic game is A-OK

Dr Shark

It's all he's got

gellaho

because the computer program cried at him

Dr Shark

Don't judge. I left ransomware on my computer for months because it begged me to spare its life

gellaho

These chapter titles suck

GDC

Sometimes I load up Starcraft and just watch two computer controlled factions fight. Our protagonists have all the agency of any given zergling.

Dr Shark

Same charisma too

gellaho

They've Lawnmower Manned

Dr Shark

Bhodi thinks MOM is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen

hype slug jakesy

Does he want to bang his mom now

gellaho

They're inside DAD

hype slug jakesy

I thought he was into Tivia of Nivia

gellaho

So maybe him

Dr Shark

Holy shit this is Freudian

GDC

What are you doing, step-MOM?

gellaho

DAD was emotionless at the beginning of this

hype slug jakesy

“DADdy’s home!”

Dr Shark

Deadbeat DADs go to some weird places to connect with their kids

hype slug jakesy

“Does this mean my alimony payments go down? More days of visitation mean less child support too!”

Dr Shark

"You're with me too, so technically the time they spend with you is still with me!"

gellaho

Oh, goddammit it's the last Steele book

Dr Shark

Is he ending the book soon? Is the next one going to be Bhodi in Pleasantville?

gellaho

real weird parent stuff

Dr Shark

His mom slapping him seemed on point

And his father being disappointed in him

gellaho

Now his dad and laser tag have turned against him

Dr Shark

Dang

gellaho

I don't know who these people are, but this is excessively violent

dr

I mean, the readers turned on him long ago so this all makes sense

Dr Shark

"I WILL BURN THIS SERIES TO THE GROUND! DO YOU HEAR ME!"

gellaho

Oh, we're doing this for everyone. Great

Dr Shark

Baethan's nightmare is that he keeps having to associate with Bhodi

dr

100% on the queen’s side here

Dr Shark

Yeah, there's no coming back from that

hype slug jakesy

Trivia from Tivia of Nivia

gellaho

FUCK YOU MOM, NUNCHUCKS

Dr Shark

Hell yes

hype slug jakesy

The most deadly weapon

gellaho

Peter, talk to your parents

Dr Shark

Lizzie the Lizoid

dr

Holy shit

gellaho

Turns out Baethan is white

Dr Shark

Even the mustache was fake? What are you, Baethan?

gellaho

I don't buy that

hype slug jakesy

I imagine he looks like Kyle Gass without his cyborg parts

gellaho

KG Soloman 5000?

You don't mess with the Rage Kage

gellaho

Meanwhile, Pike plays cards with a sweaty guy

gellaho

Parcival is just a dick

gellaho

Fuck you, other orphans

hype slug jakesy

Hell yeah Parcival

Dr Shark

"Before I go, you should all know your parents said you deserve to be here."

gellaho

This is psychotic

hype slug jakesy

Dr Shark

Jesus

dr

I hope he’s using the royalties to pay for therapy

gellaho

Don't do this, writers

Dr Shark

No matter how many times he wrote it, the word still echoed in Peter David's head

gellaho

Parcival murdered his way out

hype slug jakesy

Oh shit. Go in your rooms kids. Don’t look him in the eye. MOM loves you

Dr Shark

Haha, ten year olds! Always looking for chances to go on a killing spree!

gellaho

Nothing Oedipal about this

Dr Shark

"Who's going through a phase now, DAD?"

dr

You’re not my real DAD!

gellaho

The Arrians suck

dr

Uh.

Dr Shark

Omigod, omigod! Did Dogarr ever have lunch?!

dr

Penetrated is missing a noun

gellaho

Parcival, 10 years old, not recognizing the humanity of his enemies

hype slug jakesy

Parcival is the only one with any balls here

Dr Shark

What have you seen, Parcival? What's behind those eyes?

hype slug jakesy

Everyone else is just like ahhh guess we just gotta die

gellaho

This is for children

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha Bhodi thinking about Dat Ass

Dr Shark

Dat underage ass.

Play laser tag, kids!

hype slug jakesy

Playing laser tag and getting to first base, that’s what high school nerds do

gellaho

Bhodi Li tries to rescue the human within Mandarr by randomly ripping out wires

GDC

The lucky ones, maybe.

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha Jesus

Dr Shark

"Well, you tried, Bhodi"

gellaho

Sure, the Warlord

Dr Shark

Mandarr was fine a few minutes ago, Bhodi

gellaho

Kill your enemies en masse, children

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

If we ever do a Hot Dawg! Meat-Up can it be laser tag?

Dr Shark

Of course

There will be so many casualties

gellaho

Baethan, you can figure out what an elevator is by the name

Dr Shark

Your funeral, Soldarrs. You grabbed the most dangerous one

gellaho

This has both Star Trek and Wars references

gellaho

He accidentally called it a phaser

He also referred to disrupters earlier

Dr Shark

Peter's done giving a fuck

gellaho

He certainly has

Dr Shark

If Parcival finds him, Pirarr's dead anyway

gellaho

We're doing footnotes now!?

hype slug jakesy

Lol “see other photon thing for reference”

gellaho

What is this video game shit

Dr Shark

Wait, Hell is right there?

gellaho

Lol, he has a weak point

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

Not sure how important this is but FancySharrk is the only one here who can easily take an Arr name

hype slug jakesy

Hahahaha he’s like a Zelda boss

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

Not saying he is time travel pals with Hitler but FancySharrk definitely is

gellaho

Jesus, you are such a nerd

GDC

Just hit the jewel with the weapon you found in this dungeon.

gellaho

"Love, buh, wha?"

hype slug jakesy

“Love? Is that some kind of pussy commie emotion?”

gellaho

Goddammit

dr

Depends on how you’re pronouncing mine

gellaho

the closet is scawwwy

BTW, he completely gave up on that cosmic game of chess

Dr Shark

That is absolutely what I'm saying. I thought I'd be safe behind my human mustache.

gellaho

You know what, I don't get it. I need at least five examples

gellaho

Moron

gellaho

RIP

hype slug jakesy

Lol

Dr Shark

Nice job, Bhodi

Dr Shark

You've doomed us all

gellaho

Word a child would know, sure

gellaho

that may be the most insane pronunciation guidelines I've ever seen

Dr Shark

Did they cram two pronunciations together?

gellaho

MEANWHILE

Dr Shark

The sky is bleeding! Play laser tag!

hype slug jakesy

Should have just let the Arrians become the master race I guess

gellaho

Jesus, he's dumb

Dr Shark

"I'm calling you a loser, Bhodi. Is that getting through?"

gellaho

We have about three pages to resolve this

Dr Shark

Do it, Peter David. Burn it all to the ground

gellaho

hype slug jakesy

Lol the gods wear laser tag gear full time

gellaho

gellaho

Neutron is one of those guys

Dr Shark

wtfhaxxorcheatr

gellaho

RIP Dogarr

gellaho

We hardly knew ye

Dr Shark

Farewell, sweet prince. May you go to a place where there is lunch

gellaho

Dr Shark

The only important thing is that Bhodi's not responsible

gellaho

Oh, FUCK YOU

dr

lol hey guuyyyys

gellaho

I can't believe this shit

hype slug jakesy

Hahahahhaa

Unreal

Dr Shark

lol, holy shit

gellaho

Fuck you, Peter David

hype slug jakesy

Ahhh we can play multiple games, why didn’t we think of that?

Dr Shark

I hope his parents just resume beating the shit out of him

gellaho

Fuck you

gellaho

Suck my dick

gellaho

WHY DID ANY OF THIS HAPPEN

GDC

Hooray for the status quo!

hype slug jakesy

“So none of this mattered? Cool. Now let’s play this new game, FarCry 5!”

Dr Shark

Peter David: "Got your money, suckers!"

Dr Shark

Y'know. For catharsis

gellaho

The End