A Photon Adventure Novel #4. The All-new Intergalactic Action Series! It's not just a game. It's an adventure...
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gellaho
Now that Bhodi Li has fought Nazis and convinced cosmic superbeings to allow the continued existence of our universe, what happens now? Well, everyone gets Photon amnesia of course. Will Warriarr do anything now that he's been on two covers? Tivia has been given a sunburn, will she ever be depicted with her correct skin tone? Does David Peters/Peter David have any shame? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read Photon: This is Your Life, Bhodi Li.
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@Brockway please give me the pin that I crave
gellaho
I think the full title of this book might actually be A Photon Adventure Novel #4 - Photon (R) : The Ultimate Game on Earth (tm): This is Your Life, Bhodi Li
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Coming up at the start of the hour: It's Photon #4: This is Your Life Bhodi Li
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Here's your preview
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The hyphen in skin-like red leather implies he has a gaudy jacket, which I don’t think was the intention.
Dr Shark
Unless that crystal's crazy-fragile, you can definitely just shoot him first, Mandarr
gellaho
I'm real afraid this book is going to have a lot of quotes from movies and television based on the title and that preview heading
Dr Shark
Bhodi has been getting closer to Ready Player One with each book
gellaho
At least they haven't been plot points
Dr Shark
This is true
gellaho
There he is
Dr Shark
Can't wait to see how Bhodi ruins the universe this time
gellaho
So he either put some work in this one or procrastinated
dr
I’m sorry, probably way late to the party on this, but “The Ultimate Game on Planet Earth”?
Dr Shark
I think we know which it was
Dr Shark
Yep, laser tag
gellaho
Oh, good we're still breaking up these 150 page books into parts
dr
Isn’t ultimate in that sentence an adjective though?
Dr Shark
It is
dr
Ok, so we’re talking about the final game, not the best one. Guess that clears it up.
gellaho
Off to a bad start
Dr Shark
Just dropping all pretense and calling it a phaser now
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
Its ok, it just needs a Final Solution
gellaho
Bhodi Li's mom was 70 years old apparently
Dr Shark
He played the 12th Doctor, right?
gellaho
How do you know that guy but not Hitler
gellaho
Bhodi? Answer me Bhodi
Dr Shark
Javo already figured it out
Bhodi seems to know every facet of history except Nazis. It's too convenient
gellaho
You've kissed multiple times Bhodi
Dr Shark
Our hero reflects on when he wanted to punch a woman
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Oh how awful that I no longer feel hatred for a woman. Fuck you, Bhodi
Dr Shark
Bhodi and Joe Hardy are part of the same incel forums
gellaho
Since when
gellaho
I don't see no cape
Dr Shark
I guess the universe reboot last time changed clothing
gellaho
I guess it's in the backpack
gellaho
But you can't introduce invisibility now
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
Its invisible idiot
gellaho
then how's it white
gellaho
Bhodi, having survived the unmaking of the universe, gets right back to the misogyny
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
well its not always invisible
Dr Shark
Next Bhodi tells Tivia to smile
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
Red Pill Bhodi
gellaho
Excuse me, princess
Dr Shark
Oh, like Bhodi doesn't have a toilet cam
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
Imagine if the next line is just "Hey Tivia why don't you come over here and SUCK MY DICK"
Dr Shark
It'd have the same tone
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I think the grossest part is the book clearly wants us to agree with Bhodi here
gellaho
Hope the kids appreciate a Cleveland joke
gellaho
Bhodi Li, American, is unfamiliar with the Earth city of Cleveland
Dr Shark
"This is Peter David telling all Cleveland residents to kill themselves!"
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
I like how they make sure to let you know everyone didn't get the joke
Parcival made a joke and it sucked and also Tivia is a stupid whore
Dr Shark
There are no second drafts in Photon
gellaho
I'll share the 2 paragraphs about the best characters because I'm sure they won't be in this one again
Dr Shark
These guys fuck. Therefore, let's focus on Bhodi, who never will
gellaho
Parcival is a huge nerd
gellaho
And he went back for the Cleveland joke
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
really mad discord won't let me change my name to Javo, Glistening Silver Cyborg and Wizard
Dr Shark
Let's not forget Parcival is also the most hardcore of the group. He murdered enough people last book for Bhodi to have to understand the concept of "genocide"
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
I want to know what a laser tag bazooka looks like and how it works
hype slug jakesy
Was it ghostwritten by Drew Carey?
Two mentions of Cleveland in any context makes me suspicious
Pegged Bottom
#ClevelandRocks
gellaho
I've only seen it used against a robot, and it did jack shit
Dr Shark
It can shoot down spaceships with one shot. We know that much
Ah, right. And it's useless against robots
hype slug jakesy
The final boss of Tivia’s world:
gellaho
Warriarr and Mandarr, at it again
gellaho
Will Warriarr be easily defeated again, despite being on the cover?
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
wow Tivia you sure do suck and get captured a lot
Dr Shark
"Deadliest"? Warriarr's gotten his ass handed to him every time he shows up
hype slug jakesy
Yeah I’ve yet to see Wariarr win a battle
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
keep in mind we are playing by Power Ranger rules
hype slug jakesy
Easily the deadliest character in these books has been Hitler
gellaho
The answer is yes, obviously
gellaho
hype slug jakesy
I mean sure, 8 million confirmed kills is a high bar for your supervillains, I’ll give them that. But you gotta at least make it close
gellaho
It's good that these Warlords of Arr frequently forget their powerful laser guns and try hand to hand combat instead
hype slug jakesy
Yeah how do the laser tag villains keep forgetting they have lasers to tag with
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
seems really early in the book for the main villains to suck this hard already
Dr Shark
In the Arrian native tongue, "suck an egg" is like saying the n-word, the c-word and the f-word at once
gellaho
Bhodi, professional moron
Dr Shark
Even Mandarr can't believe Bhodi's this stupid
gellaho
Oops
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
and in the Arrian tongue, the n-word has TWO hard r's
gellaho
RIP
Dr Shark
He broke the unbreakable grip!
gellaho
Gnarly
hype slug jakesy
What does it all meeeeeeeeeeeean!?
Dr Shark
I think we can all be relieved he'll never learn the guitar
gellaho
you really feel the gravitas of this moment after the "Suck an egg" comment
Dr Shark
It was his Patton moment
dr
Red and white???
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
I am glad I am not the only one who caught that
gellaho
I think he's talking about his outfit
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
Heres lies the splattered corpse of Bhodi Li, who died full of cum
Dr Shark
You have no idea how much semen the fall's going to get out of Bhodi
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
beat you
dr
I think he’s up to something else based on that “final scream”
hype slug jakesy
Bhodi Li: Cum Fiesta
gellaho
Ugh
hype slug jakesy
I see we’re still playing by Hardy Boys rules here
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
I hope nobody wanted this dope nickname. Well, I hope Javo wanted this dope nickname
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
its ok
it didn't fit
and besides
you forgot to meantion gleaming
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Dick Bracket Co-Champion still has legs anyway
gellaho
Not humorous
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
It didn't fit!
Dr Shark
He slept on train tracks
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
yeah at this point Cerril and I are in a game of chicken about changing names
hype slug jakesy
“His pants were soaked in cum for some reason”
gellaho
Dr Shark
Sis has Parkinson's, just like I remember!
gellaho
I'm assuming Chris was beaten into unconsciousness by some woman
Dr Shark
"Kill him!"
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Bhodi Li is so cool you guys
Let us go buy laser tag equipment
gellaho
"I will write the (second) most insufferable character!"
hype slug jakesy
God dam wimmins keep trying to tell him what to do
Dr Shark
Nurses: Sexually Harass Them!
gellaho
Who couldst be?
gellaho
You know, even if that isn't him, strangle him
Dr Shark
The doctor would go to his grave trying to perfect his stand-up routine
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha I would love it if it turns out Bhodi Li got in a skateboarding accident a year ago and he hallucinated the last 3 books
gellaho
This book is testing me
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Hey doctor, :B_: :OO: :O_:
hype slug jakesy
Got a real Wizard of Oz situation here
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
:B_: :Traxxine: :O_:
hype slug jakesy
You, and you, and you were there!
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
This wasn't intentional but I like it
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
oh man I cant wait for this all to be a dream
its gonna be great
Dr Shark
A dream? Naw man, no way they'd try something that out there!
gellaho
Surprise ass-jab
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Anyone with a name or profession that contains an "ar" sound probably gets wild accusations from Bhodi Li
I like the outdoor pics
Dr Shark
Next chapter, they get the pliers and ask Bhodi if it's safe
gellaho
Dr Shark
Wow, harsh
gellaho
"Fooled Chris not at all, say Yoda"
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Next chapter the Hardy Boys would shake off the sedative and immediately start karate chopping ninjas
The nurses were ninjas
Dr Shark
Hell yes
gellaho
I liked this guy better when he was a servant of Hitler
gellaho
Excuse me, Hitlarr
hype slug jakesy
His favorite gun is an ARR-15
gellaho
A twist worthy of a soap opera
hype slug jakesy
Mmmm hmmm
It was all a dream
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Or... was it?
hype slug jakesy
I used to read Word Up! magazine
Dr Shark
"Also, Chris, we're married"
gellaho
Topical
Dr Shark
"A shame. I wanted to saw your head open to see if the coma was from a parasite."
gellaho
I swear to God, if this asshole turns Lord Baethan into a Texan
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
If you had your way, Evan, it would be called Earrth and it would be flat!
Dr Shark
Society for Creative Anachronism? Like, avante garde Civil War reenactments?
gellaho
I don't like the use of the word "sashay" here
hype slug jakesy
If I learned anything from RuPaul, it’s that you only sashay away from things
gellaho
A German player? Hmmmmmmmmm
Pegged Bottom
the only thing i learned from her is that you better WERK.
gellaho
Hitlarr's revenge?
Dr Shark
"Schweitzer beat you with his gun for a solid five minutes. We should have stopped him but he looked so happy no one wanted to intervene."
gellaho
"My real mom is MOM!"
hype slug jakesy
Hahahaha
Yes
It’s happening
Dr Shark
Finally, we have justice
GDC
So Bhodi supposedly follows professional(?) Laser tag but didn't put together the fact that all the players resemble the space people he hangs out with?
gellaho
"I'm Spider-Man!"
Dr Shark
He's, like, just so good. Why bother paying attention to anyone else?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Clearly written by someone who has never laid on a hospital bed.
gellaho
Great bedside manner
Dr Shark
Bhodi better escape before Nurse Ratchet clocks in
gellaho
He's gone feral
GDC
I would be just as sick of this kid's shit as the doctor, I sympathize.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He fights better after being in a coma for two months than when he is a magic warrior.
gellaho
Wow, he actually did it
hype slug jakesy
Being in a coma is less plausible to Bhodi than the whole Intellistar Wariarr thing he made up in his head, which is fantastic
Dr Shark
This is the kind of meltdown you normally only see when a spoiled child is told they can't go to Disneyland
gellaho
It's such a plausible story
dr
This is fantastic. No notes.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
If he believes this is fake, what does he think happened when he turned into a cumstain on that planet?
Dr Shark
"The woman I fantasized about punching...isn't real? What should I do now?!"
gellaho
"Loretta? That doesn't sound like a yogurt"
hype slug jakesy
Also why would they put Wariarr in a position where Bhodi could recognize him if they were trying to fool him into thinking this was real!
gellaho
Mandarr, please
hype slug jakesy
I’m rolling my R’s apparently
gellaho
Mandarr is the human who got turned into an Arrian. Man-darr
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
To devastate him
It is working super well
hype slug jakesy
Oh Jesus lol
Dr Shark
Loretta's here to put his catheter in
gellaho
Even though all Arrians are descendants of Hitler? And Thousands of years old?
gellaho
The lore doesn't make a lot of sense
hype slug jakesy
Also is candy stripper some kind of code
Striper whatever, these colors don’t run
Dr Shark
Old fashioned term for assistant nurse
gellaho
Barf
hype slug jakesy
Ah
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It was a volunteer position for nurses in training.
Dr Shark
That was it. Thank you!
Also, she's showing her teeth. You better run, Chris.
gellaho
Jesus Christ
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I only know because my aunt is a nurse.
gellaho
The hand cream planet of women
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha
gellaho
Peter, what are you trying to do
gellaho
I think I understand why Photon went out of business
If they are letting this dude just make fun of their product endlessly
Pegged Bottom
the hand cream is NIVEA you ass
Dr Shark
"Release me from this book contract or I'll destroy all that you've built"
gellaho
You gotta tiptoe around copyright
gellaho
Peter really should have realized that they would keep him under contract after he started with Hitler
hype slug jakesy
“You know that awesome shit we just did in the last three books? Real Photon isn’t that, losers”
Dr Shark
He's just bashing his head against his cage at this point
gellaho
Pointing out that something is stupid doesn't make it less stupid
gellaho
The more of these shitty books I read, the more I understand that meta humor really doesn't work unless you are really fucking good
Dr Shark
It looks easy, but it really isn't
gellaho
Lydia has a lot to answer for
Dr Shark
The Twinkie Farm sounds delicious
Pegged Bottom
If we can't do Nivea he shouldn't have been able to do Twinkies, Looney Tunes or Magic Kingdom.
gellaho
Stop it
Dr Shark
Loretta is 63 years old
hype slug jakesy
Yeah this is way too meta and it barely even works
gellaho
I don't like this phrasing
hype slug jakesy
“You should write 3 books based on your stories, Chris”
Dr Shark
"And no more"
gellaho
I'm going to need the references to stop
Dr Shark
Remember, mock someone if they stop being cheerful
gellaho
Chris/Bhodi decides to fight his gym teacher
GDC
I would have been delighted if this kid finally decided to tone down his bullshit.
gellaho
which is a move I've only seen the most delinquent of students attempt
Dr Shark
Lambert doesn't seem to care about his job
hype slug jakesy
I think back when this was written you were still allowed to beat the shit out of kids for misbehaving
gellaho
Dr Shark
True. I don't think lawsuits for this stuff even existed yet
hype slug jakesy
Going for the running neck wring, bold choice
gellaho
Chris might be bringing his "phaser" to school
Dr Shark
Haha! Our school hired a hair-trigger psychopath to teach gym!
gellaho
Loretta needs to watch herself
Dr Shark
"I mean I want to punch you"
gellaho
she's going to end up in the trunk of a car
Dr Shark
Parts of her will
gellaho
They only suspended him for this shit?
GDC
That might be the most realistic part of the book.
gellaho
Lol
hype slug jakesy
Hahahaha
Excellent
Dr Shark
Hahaha
hype slug jakesy
Can’t wait until he meets Dogarr
Dr Shark
Now the lizard busts out a bazooka
gellaho
This is going on for a while
Dr Shark
Yeah. Who the hell would get any enjoyment out of a video game?
gellaho
:eggplant:
Dr Shark
"Do you need all that rope, son?"
GDC
I can say from experience that Davids Peter does a pretty good job of portraying a teenager with a head injury.
gellaho
VW, eh?
gellaho
more evidence of a Hitlarr plot
Dr Shark
"Loretta, can we make a quick stop? I have to buy a couple gallons of lye"
gellaho
Take your date to laser tag, kids!
Dr Shark
All the coolios are!
hype slug jakesy
Ughhhhhhhh Volkswagen
gellaho
Yeah, that name is stupid. Not like Bhodi Li
GDC
They didn't even try to give Adam Sandler's stunt double the same haircut.
Dr Shark
Oh crap. This is going to turn into Vertigo
hype slug jakesy
She’s going to be tied up in his basement and made to answer to Tivia so hard
gellaho
"She was dumb and had cooties"
Dr Shark
"I bought the hair dye and the dress she-YOU wore"
"Bhodi thrived in the dark places. They caressed him. They strengthened him. They understood him"
GDC
She keeps hitting her head at laser tag too. This game seems really unsafe.
gellaho
So, if this is a mind wipe situation, they will have given Percival a family and will take it away from him when this is all undone
gellaho
Little cruel
Dr Shark
That kid's a war criminal. It's only fair
gellaho
Fuh, wha
gellaho
You know how straight guys hate it when girls kiss
that's fucked up in like 8 directions
Dr Shark
"You better have only taken in male fluids or I'm gonna be limp as hell"
GDC
Yeah, that came out of nowhere.
He got hit on the head and it turned him into a homophobe.
hype slug jakesy
I mean look, if this is all a ploy to keep Bhodi trapped in some dream world, it’s a solid one
gellaho
Lol
gellaho
If everyone he knew is within 10 miles of him, why is Lord Baethan in Texas?
Why are you depriving me of Lord Baethan?
Dr Shark
Spite
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Bhodi is such a dumbass
When is he going to get what is happening here
Maybe the next person will remember him!
gellaho
17 years old
gellaho
Book for children to sell laser tag
what the fuck Peter
Dr Shark
I hope it means she beat his face into soup
hype slug jakesy
Oh shit Bhodi gettin his dinky stinky
Let’s fuckin go
gellaho
Fuck you, therapy
Dr Shark
"The next part of the test, we lock you in a prison with criminals that want you dead. If you're a violent enough psycho, you'll be fine"
gellaho
Get it together, Peter
gellaho
I know you typed how#j or whatever and that got through, but this editing is pathetic
Warriarr, Pete, warriarr
gellaho
How much would 15 rounds of laser tag cost
Dr Shark
Schweitzer asks if Chris knows how he got his scars
gellaho
You're confusing who is psychotic
Dr Shark
A janitor ominously throws sawdust on vomit from an 8-year-old's birthday party
gellaho
What a great idea
Dr Shark
Bhodi was sprayed with bullets until he resembled stew meat
gellaho
Luckily, both cops were Barney Fife
Dr Shark
Always charge blindly when lost and pursuing a criminal
gellaho
Andy Griffith was outside
hype slug jakesy
Luckily Tivia wasn’t with him or they’d all be dead
Dr Shark
Oh, she was, in a way. They haven't checked Bhodi's trunk yet
gellaho
This is a weird book
gellaho
Sure, sure
Dr Shark
You can join the group that's attending Space Academy
There's a boy named Joe that I think you'll get along with very well
gellaho
No shit
gellaho
17
Dr Shark
:Traxxine:
gellaho
He's somehow convinced this girl to drive him to Lord Baethan
Dr Shark
Where are they driving from?
dr
This dialog is just infuriating
hype slug jakesy
Loretta is just really into him for some reason huh
gellaho
This girl is trying to get murdered
gellaho
Who knows
gellaho
Dallas and Cleveland are out
Dr Shark
hmm
hype slug jakesy
So that narrows it down to anywhere else in the country
Dr Shark
Anytown, USA
gellaho
Where would it take multiple days to get to Texas
gellaho
Seriously, where
hype slug jakesy
Nobody noticed these 17 year olds missing for several days
dr
They dumb and dumbered it
gellaho
Alaska?
Dr Shark
Maine?
dr
They were in Austin and are fucking morons
gellaho
several days
several
is this VW a covered wagon?
hype slug jakesy
Austin. Austin, Massachusetts
gellaho
This is your editor, Peter. I'm sorry "David." I have a cut for you
dr
Her parents are on vacation and his parents are frankly relieved to have a break
Dr Shark
"THE BEARD STAYS"
hype slug jakesy
Did they just leave the 10 year old at home alone
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I know they didn't have Google, but surely they must have heard of multiple states having the same city.
gellaho
Fuck you, creator of Photon says David Peters
gellaho
He's at a friend's house. For several days
GDC
The people in all those other Dallases must hate having to clarify that they're not from that Dallas.
Ok, stick with me here, I think she is the one planning on doing a murder
Dr Shark
Twist!
gellaho
Obediently. Like a woman should
GDC
Best case scenario, Bhodi wakes up in a motel bathroom without a kidney.
Dr Shark
Someone got cute with the signs
gellaho
PHOTON IS VERY COOL AND SUCCESSFUL
Dr Shark
Who keeps a goddamn fruit tree in the lobby of a building?
GDC
Who puts carpet down under a fruit tree in the lobby of a building?
hype slug jakesy
Someone who loves flies
gellaho
Lol, the Wikipedia for Photon includes this kid's birthday and signature
hype slug jakesy
Perhaps…a lizard person?
GDC
Lizards love figs!
Dr Shark
"Please ignore the hundreds of pounds of rotting fruit"
gellaho
We're going extremely meta now, everyone
Dr Shark
He knows how it will look in the future
GDC
He knows this picture will end up on a milk carton one day.
Dr Shark
It's the only way he'll get home
So Peter David is just telling readers how to find the guy that made Photon at this point
gellaho
I will meet my creatarr
gellaho
Not his birthday, 1987 wouldn't make any sense
Dr Shark
Wooo! Hero threatening a woman doing her job!
hype slug jakesy
Jesus Bhodi has some major anger issues
Like maybe he should be locked up
gellaho
Shameless
Dr Shark
Carter reaches for his gun
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This book so far has been...not good.
gellaho
Disturbing
Dr Shark
"Adult toys"
gellaho
SWEAR TO ME
gellaho
There he is
Dr Shark
"I'll also warn you, the Dallas police have a lot of pent-up anger over letting Kennedy get shot. They're eager to pummel a little twerp like you"
gellaho
"Cartarr, I WANT MY MOMMY!"
GDC
It's great if you imagine Baethan speaking with a thick Texan accent.
Dr Shark
"Why did you say my name twice? Was there a different spelling we were supposed to detect?"
gellaho
Now, several pages of italics
hype slug jakesy
This bit has gone on way too long
Dr Shark
"Auntie Em...Auntie Em..."
gellaho
It was all an 80 page trick
gellaho
Oh, fuck you
hype slug jakesy
Lol
Dr Shark
lol
hype slug jakesy
“None of this book mattered”
John, Grand Master of the Arena
So instead of letting him die, the Warlord of Arr (ugh, I still hate it) saved him?
Dr Shark
Part two is just pages and pages of stuff that would make Eli Roth vomit in horror
gellaho
Hey, kids, hope you didn't realize how stupid this was when I was making fun of it
gellaho
You can still take it seriously right?
Right.
Dr Shark
"You're still invested, right?"
hype slug jakesy
Yeah it’s a bold move to talk shit about how stupid your story is and then go right back to that story
Dr Shark
Wait. Are we going to go through the whole thing again, but this time it's Tivia's dream?
GDC
Peters David channeling some big Cryptkeeper energy.
gellaho
Oh, wait, he's going to keep talking about how stupid his story is
Dr Shark
"Just a massive pool of blood and semen"
gellaho
LIP ACTION
gellaho
It's been a while
GDC
I think everybody is secretly kind of relieved they don't have to put up with Bhodi anymore.
Dr Shark
Champagne bottles are being distributed
Streamers are being hung all over the ship
GDC
Whoever bet on falling off a cliff just won a bunch of space money.
Dr Shark
"Eat it and weep, suckers!"
gellaho
Motherfucker, you were over there last book and killed the Warlord
gellaho
You can demand whatever you want from them, they suck
GDC
It's like 4 people and they're all incompetent.
Dr Shark
Why not just RESET REALITY since THAT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN
gellaho
Lord Baethan is not human, he's from a different planet
hype slug jakesy
Yes. Finally lip action
gellaho
Peter, I've been reading these books at least half drunk, you should be able to keep this straight
Dr Shark
"You know, Tivia. There's one part of me that's not a machine"
hype slug jakesy
Peter isn’t savvy enough to give Baethan a Real Human Penis
gellaho
If Lord Baethan did not have a fleshy penis, then he would be worthless
hype slug jakesy
That’s for the real writers
Dr Shark
Oh shit, I just remembered she's 17
hype slug jakesy
What’s the age of consent in space anyway
Dr Shark
Hard to say when Parcival has likely gotten more action than Bhodi ever will
gellaho
OK, a German/Jewish lemonheaded alien
gellaho
Why not
Dr Shark
"UNACCEPTABLE!"
hype slug jakesy
Lol Hop Zoids bar and grill
Amazing
gellaho
Jesus Christ
Dr Shark
Okay, fuck you Peter David
hype slug jakesy
Toby Keith’s Hop Zoid’s I Love This Bar and Grille, calling that name
Dr Shark
I'm not even going to joke about that
Tivia notices a burned out sign on one wall that faintly reads "Cadillac Pussy"
hype slug jakesy
I still can’t get past the space pub
Hop Zoids
So good
gellaho
Tivia smells men
GDC
David Peters wildly misjudges his target audience with these references.
Dr Shark
Women can't stand the sight of men enjoying time with other men, it's true
gellaho
You don't think children love Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
hype slug jakesy
Who’s the regular there, Norrrm?
gellaho
Or bars, or making out
gellaho
Naaarrrm
gellaho
Oh, noooooooooo
gellaho
hype slug jakesy
Hahahaha evil Bhodi!
Dr Shark
Kill him! Kill him now, while you have the excuse!
hype slug jakesy
Does he have a little goatee too
gellaho
Pffffffffffffft
hype slug jakesy
Murdarr!!!
Dr Shark
hahahaha
Mandarr is kicking himself for not thinking of it first
gellaho
Murdarr the cross-eyed Arrian
hype slug jakesy
A murdahhhhhhh
GDC
"shit, I saved the best one for this little asshole"
Dr Shark
Dogarr keeps asking if he can switch names
John, Grand Master of the Arena
To Leg-humparr?
gellaho
"What if it was Scarrpion? that would make more sense"
Dr Shark
BOOM
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I’ll be here all week.
Dr Shark
"No. Name tags are expensive."
gellaho
This is so fucking stupid
Dr Shark
Baethan has dreamed of this moment his entire life
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Wait. Wait. Why is this the first time I’m hearing about a sabre blaster? That is authorial malpractice.
gellaho
Imagine typing this, and deciding to keep it
gellaho
He's a pirate who spoke with Hitler. I didn't think things could get dumber than that, but here we are
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Wimmins are emotional ya know.
GDC
Imagine how many high fives Baethan is going to get for punching Bhodi.
Dr Shark
A good character, especially one meant to represent a demographic that is often under-represented or stereotyped, is one that should inspire people of all walks of life
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It’s dumb, but the kind of dumb I was hoping for. Not the dumb that was the first half of this book.
gellaho
You were all murdered last book. You lost in a way that destroyed the universe
hype slug jakesy
RUN COWARD
gellaho
Don't make promises you can't keep
Dr Shark
DO IT
hype slug jakesy
Tivia is rock hard from all of this
John, Grand Master of the Arena
“Corrupt phraser” is presumably a typo and not some evil dictionary.
gellaho
They're evile, do you get it
gellaho
Do you?
Dr Shark
"So...no kills? They're all still alive?"
John, Grand Master of the Arena
“I knew all men were evil,” she said, smirking, as the universe was devoured by darkness.
Dr Shark
"Just...explain how this was a success when they have the same number of people now that they did before you fought them"
gellaho
Murdarr sulks among his body pillows
hype slug jakesy
They got to do a funny “gotcha!”
John, Grand Master of the Arena
What is a pillow-shaped cushion and why isn’t it just a pillow?
Dr Shark
Isn't a pillow-shaped cushion a rectangle?
hype slug jakesy
Murdarr for sure has waifu pillows as friends
Dr Shark
Crunchy waifu pillows
GDC
I thought that was a cushion-shaped pillow.
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Quickly, get into my car-shaped automobile and watch out, they’re shooting us with their gun-shaped firearms!
gellaho
It's real weird how Peter decided that the green pirate should be the only competent villain
hype slug jakesy
You guys are confused. All cushions are pillows, but not all pillows are cushions
It’s like squares and rectangles
gellaho
Pirrarr has consistently been the only Arrian with an understandable motivation, questions about the Warlord of Arr's leadership, and leadership capabilities
gellaho
and yet he talks like a pirate
John, Grand Master of the Arena
So the official stance of this book is fucking Bhodi Li is the one with a formidable mind?
gellaho
I think he's just too dumb and overconfident to brainwash
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Awesomely?
Dr Shark
"Yarr. I be having no realistic personality flaws Peter could conjure."
GDC
Wait, did the pirate name everyone?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Bhodi being brainwashed.
https://youtu.be/Q7K5LSsJN90
gellaho
"Don't give me no lip" is something Simon Hawke would never say
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha it would seem so, but it’s actually somehow a coincidence that the pirate has an arr in the name
They’re Arrians
gellaho
Good to know that Murdarr is just as dumb as Bhodi Li
gellaho
The Warlord of Arr is very creative
gellaho
The explanation is still that they got that name from Hitler. Even though they were created by the ancient Neutronians
gellaho
doesn't make a lot of sense
Dr Shark
The first few generations of Arrians were lost in gun-tasting accidents
gellaho
I keep forgetting it's "Projectons"
gellaho
My brain won't allow that
My brain insists, "No, it must be projections. That's a real word. Why would anyone make up Projectons? That's stupid."
Dr Shark
Peter's inside your head now
gellaho
Pete's just stealing other people's bits now
Dr Shark
ugh
gellaho
Fuck you, Douglas Adams
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It’s like reading a brochure from a hotel lobby. No need to even have characters anymore.
gellaho
I was too busy seeing the Hitchhiker's Guide thing to notice the Class "M" planet thing
gellaho
Stealing from everybody
gellaho
I think this is Lord Baethan's planet?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Maybe. It doesn’t specify if the robots can grow sweet mustaches.
Dr Shark
Encyclopedias are written to hype things, right?
gellaho
Maybe not
Dr Shark
Devastator!
gellaho
Ripping off Star Trek and Hitchhiker's Guide directly is so fucking shameless
John, Grand Master of the Arena
The problem with the “Arr” naming convention is you can’t trust Sharrizar now. And I’m not entirely sold on Parcival, either.
Dr Shark
Parcival's a mass murderer waiting for an excuse
gellaho
Now, Transformers' turn
gellaho
Sharrizarr, Parrcival
Dr Shark
That tree had been growing for thousands of years. It saw empires rise and fall. It once was home to a squirrel.
gellaho
I forgot Bugarr existed
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This series already introduced a kick-ass robot and constantly sidelines him. You can’t fool me twice.
Dr Shark
Leon better eviscerate these fools
gellaho
Lord Baethan says the ten year old can die
gellaho
Photon Guardians are A-OK with child soldiers
Dr Shark
Women: Just Carry Them!
gellaho
not Soldarrs
hype slug jakesy
Hahaha
Tivia is fed up with being carried around everywhere but she’s too dainty and fragile to do anything about it
gellaho
Parcival, the Velma
gellaho
The Princess of a race of warrior women
gellaho
Then again, the planet of Nivia only has a couple million people
Dr Shark
Bad move. The glasses were holding back Parcival's killing spirit
gellaho
Less than the city of New York
Will Dogarr murder the child?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Is there a diversity requirement or something for Photon warriors? It seems like it would be more efficient to just have a huge group of Nivians as their whole military.
Dr Shark
See?!
Broken glasses => Burn the forest down
This kid rules
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I certainly wouldn't pick two children from a planet that also has Mossad and Navy SEALs.
gellaho
You have to play Photon first, and most girls have too many cooties to play
Dr Shark
Dogarr still hasn't had lunch. It's been a whole book!
Also, props to him for managing to talk without closing his jaw
hype slug jakesy
Nobody accused Dogarr of brains
gellaho
Pirrarr remains competent, and Peter David can suck it
hype slug jakesy
I don’t care how good his Hulk Comics are, if I run into Peter David he’s getting fed to the Peloton
gellaho
Seriously and truly suck it, Peter David
hype slug jakesy
No questions asked
Dr Shark
I support this plan
gellaho
Peter David is by far the worst of our Peter gallery
Dr Shark
That's a really high bar too
gellaho
Obviously, I love Peter Gallagher and Peter Lemongello
hype slug jakesy
Yeah he’s an F tier Peter for sure
gellaho
So that robot that was just introduced hurled Tivia into a lake. That took two pages
Dr Shark
She's so strong!
hype slug jakesy
I appreciate you yada-yadaing that because two pages of it in a row would be hard to digest
gellaho
Tivia is alone trying to get this crystal. Everyone else sucks to hard to get there, but will still survive somehow
gellaho
Party time, excellent
hype slug jakesy
I bet he wants to party with Tivia and his long staff
gellaho
Fuck
dr
YES
hype slug jakesy
Hahahahaha yes!
Dr Shark
AAAGGGHHHH
dr
GUYS I THINK THIS BOOK IS MAYBE GOOD
John, Grand Master of the Arena
We need to have a shittiest pun contest before the next book.
gellaho
Long staff vs. Nunchucks
Dr Shark
Worst one we predict will happen or worst one we remember?
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I was thinking the former, but we can do both.
Dr Shark
Nunchucks to the ribs? Good. Maybe a bone shard will pierce an organ
gellaho
You know, once a staff has a pointed end, it's a spear
gellaho
Not like a javelin, at that point it is a javelin
Dr Shark
Laser tag!
gellaho
It's a goddammed pointy stick that you throw
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Unexpectedly, he attacked her with his weapon during their fight.
GDC
it's a javelin-shaped staff.
gellaho
Tivia debates using the deadliest of moves, the karate chop
Dr Shark
Sounds like your path is clear, Tivia
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This is not instilling the ethical dilemma in me that I think was intended.
gellaho
Instead, because her heart hesitated, nutshot
Dr Shark
Yeah. I don't feel any conflict here
John, Grand Master of the Arena
"Oh no, please don't kill the idiot, asshole, misogynist."
Dr Shark
She's still reeling over how small the thing was she kicked
gellaho
Offtopic, but a mosquito just tried to drink blood from my phone case
Dr Shark
Hahaha, dipshit
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm not judging, but do you keep a spare vial of blood in there?
gellaho
Tivia is real dumb
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Typical woman, amirite fellas?
Dr Shark
Princess of the warrior women planet
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Peter David has a bigger problem with women than the guy from the book I read last week had with gambling.
Dr Shark
Yeah. I think the author of your book could at least get help
gellaho
Bhodi, white, stands over Tivia, black female alien, with a spear to her neck complaining about how repressed he was
hype slug jakesy
Bhodi is like every school shooter in existence
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I know he was being sarcastic, but this may be the first time I've agreed with Chris/Bhodi/Murdarr
Dr Shark
Smart, calling his bluff when you know he's a titanic baby
gellaho
All versions of Tivia are trying to get buried in a shallow grave
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Goddammit book.
Dr Shark
...into his groin. The kick had awakened something in him.
dr
“Man I love to mock behind his back! BOOM!”
gellaho
Is Bhodi Li still Evile? Are you the dumbest person in existence?
Dr Shark
Heyooo!
gellaho
What a twist?
Dr Shark
"Also, I fucked your wife"
"And your mom"
gellaho
Anyone who fucks "Mandarr" will fuck anyone
Dr Shark
She tells him that every time too
hype slug jakesy
Mandarr for sure makes his wife assure him that he has a big dick every time he’s huffing and puffing over her for a few minutes
gellaho
It's my choice to make bad decisions
Dr Shark
Huh, Bhodi makes some good points
John, Grand Master of the Arena
This book does my least favorite thing in fiction. The main character has met two women, so therefore he has to hook up with one of them.
gellaho
OK, kids, I'm going to explain why I named the chapter this way. It won't make any sense in context
hype slug jakesy
Sigh
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It still doesn't make sense. The guy just flipped to a random encyclopedia page to pick his chapter names obviously.
Dr Shark
"This brain can't handle more than one piece of new info per book, Parcival"
hype slug jakesy
Wh- why is Percivals shoulder slimy?
Dr Shark
Either he escaped Dogarr's mouth...or he didn't
gellaho
OK, so Pike the shapeshifter impersonated Chris Jarvis for that time. Then, Jarvis/Bhodi is challenged by Schweitzer to laser tag. Pike pretends to be Bhodi Li and the two psychologically bully him out of laser tag
gellaho
Forever
Dr Shark
I forget. What was Schweitzer's crime? Jumping on Bhodi during a match?
gellaho
because that kid who injured Jarvis/Bhodi in the fake reality deserved to be punished
For his fake crime
Dr Shark
Jeez. Why don't they tell him he's the cause of his parents' divorce, too?
gellaho
Next Time: Tivia is rightfully punished for loving Bhodi Li
Dr Shark
Wait, how do they reproduce?
gellaho
:person_shrugging:
Dr Shark
LOL. Awesome
dr
Don’t need emotions to fuuuuuuuck
hype slug jakesy
A planet of women who hate romance but like to fuck
Interesting
Dr Shark
Peter's not well
Or he's a teenager
gellaho
Photon: This is Your Life Bhodi Li has been defeated
gellaho
Boy, that was fucking stupid
Dr Shark
Yup. Fun to attack though
Thanks @gellaho !
gellaho
Peter David has a lot to answer for
GDC
Go to book jail, David Peters.
gellaho
This honestly seems like somebody who is trying to make fun of the corporately sponsored book they're writing, but they're terribly unfunny
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
Haha, holy shit "Murdarr"
Dr Shark
Yeah. I think he thought up the dig at Cleveland and then thought "Hey, I'm pretty funny"
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
At least 25% of that book was "It's me! Bhodi! Don't you remember me? FROM SPACE!"
gellaho
Indeed
gellaho
It's actually about 80/150 pages
hype slug jakesy
Just 80 pages of Bhodi showing us how abusive of a husband he’s going to be for Tivia eventually
gellaho
Because it starts on 10, and part two does not start until page 90
hype slug jakesy
She’s going to burn the roast one day and end up in her own coma story
gellaho
I've discovered through ebay that there is a photon book not written by Peter David
I can get it for $4. There's also an illustrated Photon children's book
gellaho
They have a buy 2, get one free deal on eBay
Dr Shark
That's not the same Michael McDowell @Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo was talking about, is it? Doesn't look like it
Dr Shark
Bleagh
Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo
It is not
Dr Shark
Dang. Be kind of awesome if it was
John, Grand Master of the Arena
@gellaho I had to dip out for the last bit, but thanks again as always.
gellaho
That was the more boring bit anyway
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm curious, how many of these Photon books would you finish if you were reading on your own? I definitely would have given up somewhere around "who's Hitler" and never come back.
gellaho
I would have given up on the second one because that was fairly bleh. My curiosity would carry me through Hitler and cosmic beings
gellaho
This one was pretty stupid, I might have stopped after 40 pages of mass amnesia
hype slug jakesy
This career is certainly something
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I think I wouldn't have hated this book so much if the first half had set up something interesting. Instead, it turned out to be what everyone, including Bhodi Li, knew it was from page 1.
gellaho
Murdarr was just the right amount of stupid though
gellaho
I laughed for a solid couple of minutes
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Murdarr was good.
hype slug jakesy
Yeah that was pretty amazing
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I was hoping, but knew in my heart it wouldn't happen, that they would do something with the cosmic beings introduced in the last book.
Like the cost for him to restore the universe would cost Bhodi Li his identity and he had to earn it back somehow.
gellaho
No, he fell into a hole
gellaho
:shrug:
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I will give the book credit for creating the most unlikable protagonist I can recall.
hype slug jakesy
I don’t know if that’s a good thing though
Bhodi Li sucks shit
Like there’s a Hawke book where the main character is literally named Robin Hood and he’s a cyberpunk detective and that’s more likable than Bhodi by many factors
John, Grand Master of the Arena
It's definitely not a good thing. And intentional or not, it's incredible to see it happen in real time
Wow, he really did just call her a princess sarcastically, despite her being a literal warrior princess.
gellaho
I still put Joe Hardy at the bottom
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Maybe it's because I read the Hardy Boys as a kid, but I can't bring myself to hate Joe as much as you do.
Dr Shark
Joe's awfulness is almost pathological
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Granted, he still sucks mondo ass, but I can't generate that visceral hate for him.
gellaho
I hate him so much
Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)
At least Bhodi Li faces consequences for his stupidity
dr
Yeah but the Hardys have, like, agency
Bhodi Li just kind of stands around confused as the story happens to him
John, Grand Master of the Arena
He's such a weird character. He is made to look incredibly stupid because he's the audience surrogate, but he's allegedly the Photons' greatest warrior. Also, like Joe Hardy, he just hates women.
And conveniently, his very capable partner is a woman.
