#4 Photon
Now that Bhodi Li has fought Nazis and convinced cosmic superbeings to allow the continued existence of our universe, what happens now? Well, everyone gets Photon amnesia of course. Will Warriarr do anything now that he's been on two covers? Tivia has been given a sunburn, will she ever be depicted with her correct skin tone? Does David Peters/Peter David have any shame? Find out this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read Photon: This is Your Life, Bhodi Li.
@Brockway please give me the pin that I crave
I think the full title of this book might actually be A Photon Adventure Novel #4 - Photon (R) : The Ultimate Game on Earth (tm): This is Your Life, Bhodi Li
Coming up at the start of the hour: It's Photon #4: This is Your Life Bhodi Li
Here's your preview
The hyphen in skin-like red leather implies he has a gaudy jacket, which I don’t think was the intention.
Unless that crystal's crazy-fragile, you can definitely just shoot him first, Mandarr
I'm real afraid this book is going to have a lot of quotes from movies and television based on the title and that preview heading
Bhodi has been getting closer to Ready Player One with each book
At least they haven't been plot points
This is true
There he is
Can't wait to see how Bhodi ruins the universe this time
So he either put some work in this one or procrastinated
I’m sorry, probably way late to the party on this, but “The Ultimate Game on Planet Earth”?
I think we know which it was
Yep, laser tag
Oh, good we're still breaking up these 150 page books into parts
Isn’t ultimate in that sentence an adjective though?
It is
Ok, so we’re talking about the final game, not the best one. Guess that clears it up.
Off to a bad start
Just dropping all pretense and calling it a phaser now
Its ok, it just needs a Final Solution
Bhodi Li's mom was 70 years old apparently
He played the 12th Doctor, right?
How do you know that guy but not Hitler
Bhodi? Answer me Bhodi
Javo already figured it out
Bhodi seems to know every facet of history except Nazis. It's too convenient
You've kissed multiple times Bhodi
Our hero reflects on when he wanted to punch a woman
Oh how awful that I no longer feel hatred for a woman. Fuck you, Bhodi
Bhodi and Joe Hardy are part of the same incel forums
Since when
I don't see no cape
I guess the universe reboot last time changed clothing
I guess it's in the backpack
But you can't introduce invisibility now
Its invisible idiot
then how's it white
Bhodi, having survived the unmaking of the universe, gets right back to the misogyny
well its not always invisible
Next Bhodi tells Tivia to smile
Red Pill Bhodi
Excuse me, princess
Oh, like Bhodi doesn't have a toilet cam
Imagine if the next line is just "Hey Tivia why don't you come over here and SUCK MY DICK"
It'd have the same tone
I think the grossest part is the book clearly wants us to agree with Bhodi here
Hope the kids appreciate a Cleveland joke
Bhodi Li, American, is unfamiliar with the Earth city of Cleveland
"This is Peter David telling all Cleveland residents to kill themselves!"
I like how they make sure to let you know everyone didn't get the joke
Parcival made a joke and it sucked and also Tivia is a stupid whore
There are no second drafts in Photon
I'll share the 2 paragraphs about the best characters because I'm sure they won't be in this one again
These guys fuck. Therefore, let's focus on Bhodi, who never will
Parcival is a huge nerd
And he went back for the Cleveland joke
really mad discord won't let me change my name to Javo, Glistening Silver Cyborg and Wizard
Let's not forget Parcival is also the most hardcore of the group. He murdered enough people last book for Bhodi to have to understand the concept of "genocide"
I want to know what a laser tag bazooka looks like and how it works
Was it ghostwritten by Drew Carey?
Two mentions of Cleveland in any context makes me suspicious
#ClevelandRocks
I've only seen it used against a robot, and it did jack shit
It can shoot down spaceships with one shot. We know that much
Ah, right. And it's useless against robots
The final boss of Tivia’s world:
Warriarr and Mandarr, at it again
Will Warriarr be easily defeated again, despite being on the cover?
wow Tivia you sure do suck and get captured a lot
"Deadliest"? Warriarr's gotten his ass handed to him every time he shows up
Yeah I’ve yet to see Wariarr win a battle
keep in mind we are playing by Power Ranger rules
Easily the deadliest character in these books has been Hitler
The answer is yes, obviously
I mean sure, 8 million confirmed kills is a high bar for your supervillains, I’ll give them that. But you gotta at least make it close
It's good that these Warlords of Arr frequently forget their powerful laser guns and try hand to hand combat instead
Yeah how do the laser tag villains keep forgetting they have lasers to tag with
seems really early in the book for the main villains to suck this hard already
In the Arrian native tongue, "suck an egg" is like saying the n-word, the c-word and the f-word at once
Bhodi, professional moron
Even Mandarr can't believe Bhodi's this stupid
Oops
and in the Arrian tongue, the n-word has TWO hard r's
RIP
He broke the unbreakable grip!
Gnarly
What does it all meeeeeeeeeeeean!?
I think we can all be relieved he'll never learn the guitar
you really feel the gravitas of this moment after the "Suck an egg" comment
It was his Patton moment
Red and white???
I am glad I am not the only one who caught that
I think he's talking about his outfit
Heres lies the splattered corpse of Bhodi Li, who died full of cum
You have no idea how much semen the fall's going to get out of Bhodi
beat you
I think he’s up to something else based on that “final scream”
Bhodi Li: Cum Fiesta
Ugh
I see we’re still playing by Hardy Boys rules here
I hope nobody wanted this dope nickname. Well, I hope Javo wanted this dope nickname
its ok
it didn't fit
and besides
you forgot to meantion gleaming
Dick Bracket Co-Champion still has legs anyway
Not humorous
It didn't fit!
He slept on train tracks
yeah at this point Cerril and I are in a game of chicken about changing names
“His pants were soaked in cum for some reason”
Sis has Parkinson's, just like I remember!
I'm assuming Chris was beaten into unconsciousness by some woman
"Kill him!"
Bhodi Li is so cool you guys
Let us go buy laser tag equipment
"I will write the (second) most insufferable character!"
God dam wimmins keep trying to tell him what to do
Nurses: Sexually Harass Them!
Who couldst be?
You know, even if that isn't him, strangle him
The doctor would go to his grave trying to perfect his stand-up routine
Hahaha I would love it if it turns out Bhodi Li got in a skateboarding accident a year ago and he hallucinated the last 3 books
This book is testing me
Hey doctor, :B_: :OO: :O_:
Got a real Wizard of Oz situation here
:B_: :Traxxine: :O_:
You, and you, and you were there!
This wasn't intentional but I like it
oh man I cant wait for this all to be a dream
its gonna be great
A dream? Naw man, no way they'd try something that out there!
Surprise ass-jab
Anyone with a name or profession that contains an "ar" sound probably gets wild accusations from Bhodi Li
I like the outdoor pics
Next chapter, they get the pliers and ask Bhodi if it's safe
Wow, harsh
"Fooled Chris not at all, say Yoda"
Next chapter the Hardy Boys would shake off the sedative and immediately start karate chopping ninjas
The nurses were ninjas
Hell yes
I liked this guy better when he was a servant of Hitler
Excuse me, Hitlarr
His favorite gun is an ARR-15
A twist worthy of a soap opera
Mmmm hmmm
It was all a dream
Or... was it?
I used to read Word Up! magazine
"Also, Chris, we're married"
Topical
"A shame. I wanted to saw your head open to see if the coma was from a parasite."
I swear to God, if this asshole turns Lord Baethan into a Texan
If you had your way, Evan, it would be called Earrth and it would be flat!
Society for Creative Anachronism? Like, avante garde Civil War reenactments?
I don't like the use of the word "sashay" here
If I learned anything from RuPaul, it’s that you only sashay away from things
A German player? Hmmmmmmmmm
the only thing i learned from her is that you better WERK.
Hitlarr's revenge?
"Schweitzer beat you with his gun for a solid five minutes. We should have stopped him but he looked so happy no one wanted to intervene."
"My real mom is MOM!"
Hahahaha
Yes
It’s happening
Finally, we have justice
So Bhodi supposedly follows professional(?) Laser tag but didn't put together the fact that all the players resemble the space people he hangs out with?
"I'm Spider-Man!"
He's, like, just so good. Why bother paying attention to anyone else?
Clearly written by someone who has never laid on a hospital bed.
Great bedside manner
Bhodi better escape before Nurse Ratchet clocks in
He's gone feral
I would be just as sick of this kid's shit as the doctor, I sympathize.
He fights better after being in a coma for two months than when he is a magic warrior.
Wow, he actually did it
Being in a coma is less plausible to Bhodi than the whole Intellistar Wariarr thing he made up in his head, which is fantastic
This is the kind of meltdown you normally only see when a spoiled child is told they can't go to Disneyland
It's such a plausible story
This is fantastic. No notes.
If he believes this is fake, what does he think happened when he turned into a cumstain on that planet?
"The woman I fantasized about punching...isn't real? What should I do now?!"
"Loretta? That doesn't sound like a yogurt"
Also why would they put Wariarr in a position where Bhodi could recognize him if they were trying to fool him into thinking this was real!
Mandarr, please
I’m rolling my R’s apparently
Mandarr is the human who got turned into an Arrian. Man-darr
To devastate him
It is working super well
Oh Jesus lol
Loretta's here to put his catheter in
Even though all Arrians are descendants of Hitler? And Thousands of years old?
The lore doesn't make a lot of sense
Also is candy stripper some kind of code
Striper whatever, these colors don’t run
Old fashioned term for assistant nurse
Barf
Ah
It was a volunteer position for nurses in training.
That was it. Thank you!
Also, she's showing her teeth. You better run, Chris.
Jesus Christ
I only know because my aunt is a nurse.
The hand cream planet of women
Hahaha
Peter, what are you trying to do
I think I understand why Photon went out of business
If they are letting this dude just make fun of their product endlessly
the hand cream is NIVEA you ass
"Release me from this book contract or I'll destroy all that you've built"
You gotta tiptoe around copyright
Peter really should have realized that they would keep him under contract after he started with Hitler
“You know that awesome shit we just did in the last three books? Real Photon isn’t that, losers”
He's just bashing his head against his cage at this point
Pointing out that something is stupid doesn't make it less stupid
The more of these shitty books I read, the more I understand that meta humor really doesn't work unless you are really fucking good
It looks easy, but it really isn't
Lydia has a lot to answer for
The Twinkie Farm sounds delicious
If we can't do Nivea he shouldn't have been able to do Twinkies, Looney Tunes or Magic Kingdom.
Stop it
Loretta is 63 years old
Yeah this is way too meta and it barely even works
I don't like this phrasing
“You should write 3 books based on your stories, Chris”
"And no more"
I'm going to need the references to stop
Remember, mock someone if they stop being cheerful
Chris/Bhodi decides to fight his gym teacher
I would have been delighted if this kid finally decided to tone down his bullshit.
which is a move I've only seen the most delinquent of students attempt
Lambert doesn't seem to care about his job
I think back when this was written you were still allowed to beat the shit out of kids for misbehaving
True. I don't think lawsuits for this stuff even existed yet
Going for the running neck wring, bold choice
Chris might be bringing his "phaser" to school
Haha! Our school hired a hair-trigger psychopath to teach gym!
Loretta needs to watch herself
"I mean I want to punch you"
she's going to end up in the trunk of a car
Parts of her will
They only suspended him for this shit?
That might be the most realistic part of the book.
Lol
Hahahaha
Excellent
Hahaha
Can’t wait until he meets Dogarr
Now the lizard busts out a bazooka
This is going on for a while
Yeah. Who the hell would get any enjoyment out of a video game?
:eggplant:
"Do you need all that rope, son?"
I can say from experience that Davids Peter does a pretty good job of portraying a teenager with a head injury.
VW, eh?
more evidence of a Hitlarr plot
"Loretta, can we make a quick stop? I have to buy a couple gallons of lye"
Take your date to laser tag, kids!
All the coolios are!
Ughhhhhhhh Volkswagen