19: This is Your Life, Bhodi Li David Peters

gellaho

The Princess of a race of warrior women

gellaho

Then again, the planet of Nivia only has a couple million people

Dr Shark

Bad move. The glasses were holding back Parcival's killing spirit

gellaho

Less than the city of New York

Will Dogarr murder the child?

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Is there a diversity requirement or something for Photon warriors? It seems like it would be more efficient to just have a huge group of Nivians as their whole military.

Dr Shark

See?!

Broken glasses => Burn the forest down

This kid rules

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I certainly wouldn't pick two children from a planet that also has Mossad and Navy SEALs.

gellaho

You have to play Photon first, and most girls have too many cooties to play

Dr Shark

Dogarr still hasn't had lunch. It's been a whole book!

Also, props to him for managing to talk without closing his jaw

hype slug jakesy

Nobody accused Dogarr of brains

gellaho

Pirrarr remains competent, and Peter David can suck it

hype slug jakesy

I don’t care how good his Hulk Comics are, if I run into Peter David he’s getting fed to the Peloton

gellaho

Seriously and truly suck it, Peter David

hype slug jakesy

No questions asked

Dr Shark

I support this plan

gellaho

Peter David is by far the worst of our Peter gallery

Dr Shark

That's a really high bar too

gellaho

Obviously, I love Peter Gallagher and Peter Lemongello

hype slug jakesy

Yeah he’s an F tier Peter for sure

gellaho

So that robot that was just introduced hurled Tivia into a lake. That took two pages

Dr Shark

She's so strong!

hype slug jakesy

I appreciate you yada-yadaing that because two pages of it in a row would be hard to digest

gellaho

Tivia is alone trying to get this crystal. Everyone else sucks to hard to get there, but will still survive somehow

gellaho

Party time, excellent

hype slug jakesy

I bet he wants to party with Tivia and his long staff

gellaho

Fuck

dr

YES

hype slug jakesy

Hahahahaha yes!

Dr Shark

AAAGGGHHHH

dr

GUYS I THINK THIS BOOK IS MAYBE GOOD

John, Grand Master of the Arena

We need to have a shittiest pun contest before the next book.

gellaho

Long staff vs. Nunchucks

Dr Shark

Worst one we predict will happen or worst one we remember?

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I was thinking the former, but we can do both.

Dr Shark

Nunchucks to the ribs? Good. Maybe a bone shard will pierce an organ

gellaho

You know, once a staff has a pointed end, it's a spear

gellaho

Not like a javelin, at that point it is a javelin

Dr Shark

Laser tag!

gellaho

It's a goddammed pointy stick that you throw

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Unexpectedly, he attacked her with his weapon during their fight.

GDC

it's a javelin-shaped staff.

gellaho

Tivia debates using the deadliest of moves, the karate chop

Dr Shark

Sounds like your path is clear, Tivia

John, Grand Master of the Arena

This is not instilling the ethical dilemma in me that I think was intended.

gellaho

Instead, because her heart hesitated, nutshot

Dr Shark

Yeah. I don't feel any conflict here

John, Grand Master of the Arena

"Oh no, please don't kill the idiot, asshole, misogynist."

Dr Shark

She's still reeling over how small the thing was she kicked

gellaho

Offtopic, but a mosquito just tried to drink blood from my phone case

Dr Shark

Hahaha, dipshit

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I'm not judging, but do you keep a spare vial of blood in there?

gellaho

Tivia is real dumb

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Typical woman, amirite fellas?

Dr Shark

Princess of the warrior women planet

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Peter David has a bigger problem with women than the guy from the book I read last week had with gambling.

Dr Shark

Yeah. I think the author of your book could at least get help

gellaho

Bhodi, white, stands over Tivia, black female alien, with a spear to her neck complaining about how repressed he was

hype slug jakesy

Bhodi is like every school shooter in existence

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I know he was being sarcastic, but this may be the first time I've agreed with Chris/Bhodi/Murdarr

Dr Shark

Smart, calling his bluff when you know he's a titanic baby

gellaho

All versions of Tivia are trying to get buried in a shallow grave

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Goddammit book.

Dr Shark

...into his groin. The kick had awakened something in him.

dr

“Man I love to mock behind his back! BOOM!”

gellaho

Is Bhodi Li still Evile? Are you the dumbest person in existence?

Dr Shark

Heyooo!

gellaho

What a twist?

Dr Shark

"Also, I fucked your wife"

"And your mom"

gellaho

Anyone who fucks "Mandarr" will fuck anyone

Dr Shark

She tells him that every time too

hype slug jakesy

Mandarr for sure makes his wife assure him that he has a big dick every time he’s huffing and puffing over her for a few minutes

gellaho

It's my choice to make bad decisions

Dr Shark

Huh, Bhodi makes some good points

John, Grand Master of the Arena

This book does my least favorite thing in fiction. The main character has met two women, so therefore he has to hook up with one of them.

gellaho

OK, kids, I'm going to explain why I named the chapter this way. It won't make any sense in context

hype slug jakesy

Sigh

John, Grand Master of the Arena

It still doesn't make sense. The guy just flipped to a random encyclopedia page to pick his chapter names obviously.

Dr Shark

"This brain can't handle more than one piece of new info per book, Parcival"

hype slug jakesy

Wh- why is Percivals shoulder slimy?

Dr Shark

Either he escaped Dogarr's mouth...or he didn't

gellaho

OK, so Pike the shapeshifter impersonated Chris Jarvis for that time. Then, Jarvis/Bhodi is challenged by Schweitzer to laser tag. Pike pretends to be Bhodi Li and the two psychologically bully him out of laser tag

gellaho

Forever

Dr Shark

I forget. What was Schweitzer's crime? Jumping on Bhodi during a match?

gellaho

because that kid who injured Jarvis/Bhodi in the fake reality deserved to be punished

For his fake crime

Dr Shark

Jeez. Why don't they tell him he's the cause of his parents' divorce, too?

gellaho

Next Time: Tivia is rightfully punished for loving Bhodi Li

Dr Shark

Wait, how do they reproduce?

gellaho

:person_shrugging:

Dr Shark

LOL. Awesome

dr

Don’t need emotions to fuuuuuuuck

hype slug jakesy

A planet of women who hate romance but like to fuck

Interesting

Dr Shark

Peter's not well

Or he's a teenager

gellaho

Photon: This is Your Life Bhodi Li has been defeated

gellaho

Boy, that was fucking stupid

Dr Shark

Yup. Fun to attack though

Thanks @gellaho !

gellaho

Peter David has a lot to answer for

GDC

Go to book jail, David Peters.

gellaho

This honestly seems like somebody who is trying to make fun of the corporately sponsored book they're writing, but they're terribly unfunny

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

Haha, holy shit "Murdarr"

Dr Shark

Yeah. I think he thought up the dig at Cleveland and then thought "Hey, I'm pretty funny"

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

At least 25% of that book was "It's me! Bhodi! Don't you remember me? FROM SPACE!"

gellaho

Indeed

gellaho

It's actually about 80/150 pages

hype slug jakesy

Just 80 pages of Bhodi showing us how abusive of a husband he’s going to be for Tivia eventually

gellaho

Because it starts on 10, and part two does not start until page 90

hype slug jakesy

She’s going to burn the roast one day and end up in her own coma story

gellaho

I've discovered through ebay that there is a photon book not written by Peter David

gellaho

Photon: Thieves of Light

Dr Shark

Or in a trunk

How much is it going for?

hype slug jakesy

It was written by this guy

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_P._Kube-McDowell

gellaho

I can get it for $4. There's also an illustrated Photon children's book

gellaho

They have a buy 2, get one free deal on eBay

Dr Shark

That's not the same Michael McDowell @Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo was talking about, is it? Doesn't look like it

Dr Shark

Bleagh

Dick Bracket Co-Champion Javo

It is not

Dr Shark

Dang. Be kind of awesome if it was

John, Grand Master of the Arena

@gellaho I had to dip out for the last bit, but thanks again as always.

gellaho

That was the more boring bit anyway

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I'm curious, how many of these Photon books would you finish if you were reading on your own? I definitely would have given up somewhere around "who's Hitler" and never come back.

gellaho

I would have given up on the second one because that was fairly bleh. My curiosity would carry me through Hitler and cosmic beings

gellaho

This one was pretty stupid, I might have stopped after 40 pages of mass amnesia

hype slug jakesy

This career is certainly something

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I think I wouldn't have hated this book so much if the first half had set up something interesting. Instead, it turned out to be what everyone, including Bhodi Li, knew it was from page 1.

gellaho

Murdarr was just the right amount of stupid though

gellaho

I laughed for a solid couple of minutes

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Murdarr was good.

hype slug jakesy

Yeah that was pretty amazing

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I was hoping, but knew in my heart it wouldn't happen, that they would do something with the cosmic beings introduced in the last book.

Like the cost for him to restore the universe would cost Bhodi Li his identity and he had to earn it back somehow.

gellaho

No, he fell into a hole

gellaho

:shrug:

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I will give the book credit for creating the most unlikable protagonist I can recall.

hype slug jakesy

I don’t know if that’s a good thing though

Bhodi Li sucks shit

Like there’s a Hawke book where the main character is literally named Robin Hood and he’s a cyberpunk detective and that’s more likable than Bhodi by many factors

John, Grand Master of the Arena

It's definitely not a good thing. And intentional or not, it's incredible to see it happen in real time

Wow, he really did just call her a princess sarcastically, despite her being a literal warrior princess.

gellaho

I still put Joe Hardy at the bottom

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Maybe it's because I read the Hardy Boys as a kid, but I can't bring myself to hate Joe as much as you do.

Dr Shark

Joe's awfulness is almost pathological

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Granted, he still sucks mondo ass, but I can't generate that visceral hate for him.

gellaho

I hate him so much

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

At least Bhodi Li faces consequences for his stupidity

dr

Yeah but the Hardys have, like, agency

Bhodi Li just kind of stands around confused as the story happens to him

John, Grand Master of the Arena

He's such a weird character. He is made to look incredibly stupid because he's the audience surrogate, but he's allegedly the Photons' greatest warrior. Also, like Joe Hardy, he just hates women.

And conveniently, his very capable partner is a woman.