19: This is Your Life, Bhodi Li David Peters

gellaho

Yeah, that name is stupid. Not like Bhodi Li

GDC

They didn't even try to give Adam Sandler's stunt double the same haircut.

Dr Shark

Oh crap. This is going to turn into Vertigo

hype slug jakesy

She’s going to be tied up in his basement and made to answer to Tivia so hard

gellaho

"She was dumb and had cooties"

Dr Shark

"I bought the hair dye and the dress she-YOU wore"

"Bhodi thrived in the dark places. They caressed him. They strengthened him. They understood him"

GDC

She keeps hitting her head at laser tag too. This game seems really unsafe.

gellaho

So, if this is a mind wipe situation, they will have given Percival a family and will take it away from him when this is all undone

gellaho

Little cruel

Dr Shark

That kid's a war criminal. It's only fair

gellaho

Fuh, wha

gellaho

You know how straight guys hate it when girls kiss

that's fucked up in like 8 directions

Dr Shark

"You better have only taken in male fluids or I'm gonna be limp as hell"

GDC

Yeah, that came out of nowhere.

He got hit on the head and it turned him into a homophobe.

hype slug jakesy

I mean look, if this is all a ploy to keep Bhodi trapped in some dream world, it’s a solid one

gellaho

Lol

gellaho

If everyone he knew is within 10 miles of him, why is Lord Baethan in Texas?

Why are you depriving me of Lord Baethan?

Dr Shark

Spite

Silver Cyborg Greg (a wizard)

Bhodi is such a dumbass

When is he going to get what is happening here

Maybe the next person will remember him!

gellaho

17 years old

gellaho

Book for children to sell laser tag

what the fuck Peter

Dr Shark

I hope it means she beat his face into soup

hype slug jakesy

Oh shit Bhodi gettin his dinky stinky

Let’s fuckin go

gellaho

Fuck you, therapy

Dr Shark

"The next part of the test, we lock you in a prison with criminals that want you dead. If you're a violent enough psycho, you'll be fine"

gellaho

Get it together, Peter

gellaho

I know you typed how#j or whatever and that got through, but this editing is pathetic

Warriarr, Pete, warriarr

gellaho

How much would 15 rounds of laser tag cost

Dr Shark

Schweitzer asks if Chris knows how he got his scars

gellaho

You're confusing who is psychotic

Dr Shark

A janitor ominously throws sawdust on vomit from an 8-year-old's birthday party

gellaho

What a great idea

Dr Shark

Bhodi was sprayed with bullets until he resembled stew meat

gellaho

Luckily, both cops were Barney Fife

Dr Shark

Always charge blindly when lost and pursuing a criminal

gellaho

Andy Griffith was outside

hype slug jakesy

Luckily Tivia wasn’t with him or they’d all be dead

Dr Shark

Oh, she was, in a way. They haven't checked Bhodi's trunk yet

gellaho

This is a weird book

gellaho

Sure, sure

Dr Shark

You can join the group that's attending Space Academy

There's a boy named Joe that I think you'll get along with very well

gellaho

No shit

gellaho

17

Dr Shark

:Traxxine:

gellaho

He's somehow convinced this girl to drive him to Lord Baethan

Dr Shark

Where are they driving from?

dr

This dialog is just infuriating

hype slug jakesy

Loretta is just really into him for some reason huh

gellaho

This girl is trying to get murdered

gellaho

Who knows

gellaho

Dallas and Cleveland are out

Dr Shark

hmm

hype slug jakesy

So that narrows it down to anywhere else in the country

Dr Shark

Anytown, USA

gellaho

Where would it take multiple days to get to Texas

gellaho

Seriously, where

hype slug jakesy

Nobody noticed these 17 year olds missing for several days

dr

They dumb and dumbered it

gellaho

Alaska?

Dr Shark

Maine?

dr

They were in Austin and are fucking morons

gellaho

several days

several

is this VW a covered wagon?

hype slug jakesy

Austin. Austin, Massachusetts

gellaho

This is your editor, Peter. I'm sorry "David." I have a cut for you

dr

Her parents are on vacation and his parents are frankly relieved to have a break

Dr Shark

"THE BEARD STAYS"

hype slug jakesy

Did they just leave the 10 year old at home alone

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I know they didn't have Google, but surely they must have heard of multiple states having the same city.

gellaho

Fuck you, creator of Photon says David Peters

gellaho

He's at a friend's house. For several days

GDC

The people in all those other Dallases must hate having to clarify that they're not from that Dallas.

gellaho

While their parents are in Hawaii

hype slug jakesy

Lol “checks out, says extremely understanding girlfriend”

dr

Ok, stick with me here, I think she is the one planning on doing a murder

Dr Shark

Twist!

gellaho

Obediently. Like a woman should

GDC

Best case scenario, Bhodi wakes up in a motel bathroom without a kidney.

Dr Shark

Someone got cute with the signs

gellaho

PHOTON IS VERY COOL AND SUCCESSFUL

Dr Shark

Who keeps a goddamn fruit tree in the lobby of a building?

GDC

Who puts carpet down under a fruit tree in the lobby of a building?

hype slug jakesy

Someone who loves flies

gellaho

Lol, the Wikipedia for Photon includes this kid's birthday and signature

hype slug jakesy

Perhaps…a lizard person?

GDC

Lizards love figs!

Dr Shark

"Please ignore the hundreds of pounds of rotting fruit"

gellaho

We're going extremely meta now, everyone

Dr Shark

He knows how it will look in the future

GDC

He knows this picture will end up on a milk carton one day.

Dr Shark

It's the only way he'll get home

So Peter David is just telling readers how to find the guy that made Photon at this point

gellaho

I will meet my creatarr

gellaho

Not his birthday, 1987 wouldn't make any sense

Dr Shark

Wooo! Hero threatening a woman doing her job!

hype slug jakesy

Jesus Bhodi has some major anger issues

Like maybe he should be locked up

gellaho

Shameless

Dr Shark

Carter reaches for his gun

John, Grand Master of the Arena

This book so far has been...not good.

gellaho

Disturbing

Dr Shark

"Adult toys"

gellaho

SWEAR TO ME

gellaho

There he is

Dr Shark

"I'll also warn you, the Dallas police have a lot of pent-up anger over letting Kennedy get shot. They're eager to pummel a little twerp like you"

gellaho

"Cartarr, I WANT MY MOMMY!"

GDC

It's great if you imagine Baethan speaking with a thick Texan accent.

Dr Shark

"Why did you say my name twice? Was there a different spelling we were supposed to detect?"

gellaho

Now, several pages of italics

hype slug jakesy

This bit has gone on way too long

Dr Shark

"Auntie Em...Auntie Em..."

gellaho

It was all an 80 page trick

gellaho

Oh, fuck you

hype slug jakesy

Lol

Dr Shark

lol

hype slug jakesy

“None of this book mattered”

John, Grand Master of the Arena

So instead of letting him die, the Warlord of Arr (ugh, I still hate it) saved him?

Dr Shark

Part two is just pages and pages of stuff that would make Eli Roth vomit in horror

gellaho

Hey, kids, hope you didn't realize how stupid this was when I was making fun of it

gellaho

You can still take it seriously right?

Right.

Dr Shark

"You're still invested, right?"

hype slug jakesy

Yeah it’s a bold move to talk shit about how stupid your story is and then go right back to that story

Dr Shark

Wait. Are we going to go through the whole thing again, but this time it's Tivia's dream?

GDC

Peters David channeling some big Cryptkeeper energy.

gellaho

Oh, wait, he's going to keep talking about how stupid his story is

Dr Shark

"Just a massive pool of blood and semen"

gellaho

LIP ACTION

gellaho

It's been a while

GDC

I think everybody is secretly kind of relieved they don't have to put up with Bhodi anymore.

Dr Shark

Champagne bottles are being distributed

Streamers are being hung all over the ship

GDC

Whoever bet on falling off a cliff just won a bunch of space money.

Dr Shark

"Eat it and weep, suckers!"

gellaho

Motherfucker, you were over there last book and killed the Warlord

gellaho

You can demand whatever you want from them, they suck

GDC

It's like 4 people and they're all incompetent.

Dr Shark

Why not just RESET REALITY since THAT'S SOMETHING THAT CAN HAPPEN

gellaho

Lord Baethan is not human, he's from a different planet

hype slug jakesy

Yes. Finally lip action

gellaho

Peter, I've been reading these books at least half drunk, you should be able to keep this straight

Dr Shark

"You know, Tivia. There's one part of me that's not a machine"

hype slug jakesy

Peter isn’t savvy enough to give Baethan a Real Human Penis

gellaho

If Lord Baethan did not have a fleshy penis, then he would be worthless

hype slug jakesy

That’s for the real writers

Dr Shark

Oh shit, I just remembered she's 17

hype slug jakesy

What’s the age of consent in space anyway

Dr Shark

Hard to say when Parcival has likely gotten more action than Bhodi ever will

gellaho

OK, a German/Jewish lemonheaded alien

gellaho

Why not

Dr Shark

"UNACCEPTABLE!"

hype slug jakesy

Lol Hop Zoids bar and grill

Amazing

gellaho

Jesus Christ

Dr Shark

Okay, fuck you Peter David

hype slug jakesy

Toby Keith’s Hop Zoid’s I Love This Bar and Grille, calling that name

Dr Shark

I'm not even going to joke about that

Tivia notices a burned out sign on one wall that faintly reads "Cadillac Pussy"

hype slug jakesy

I still can’t get past the space pub

Hop Zoids

So good

gellaho

Tivia smells men

GDC

David Peters wildly misjudges his target audience with these references.

Dr Shark

Women can't stand the sight of men enjoying time with other men, it's true

gellaho

You don't think children love Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

hype slug jakesy

Who’s the regular there, Norrrm?

gellaho

Or bars, or making out

gellaho

Naaarrrm

gellaho

Oh, noooooooooo

gellaho

hype slug jakesy

Hahahaha evil Bhodi!

Dr Shark

Kill him! Kill him now, while you have the excuse!

hype slug jakesy

Does he have a little goatee too

gellaho

Pffffffffffffft

hype slug jakesy

Murdarr!!!

Dr Shark

hahahaha

Mandarr is kicking himself for not thinking of it first

gellaho

Murdarr the cross-eyed Arrian

hype slug jakesy

A murdahhhhhhh

GDC

"shit, I saved the best one for this little asshole"

Dr Shark

Dogarr keeps asking if he can switch names

John, Grand Master of the Arena

To Leg-humparr?

gellaho

"What if it was Scarrpion? that would make more sense"

Dr Shark

BOOM

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I’ll be here all week.

Dr Shark

"No. Name tags are expensive."

gellaho

This is so fucking stupid

Dr Shark

Baethan has dreamed of this moment his entire life

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Wait. Wait. Why is this the first time I’m hearing about a sabre blaster? That is authorial malpractice.

gellaho

Imagine typing this, and deciding to keep it

gellaho

He's a pirate who spoke with Hitler. I didn't think things could get dumber than that, but here we are

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Wimmins are emotional ya know.

GDC

Imagine how many high fives Baethan is going to get for punching Bhodi.

Dr Shark

A good character, especially one meant to represent a demographic that is often under-represented or stereotyped, is one that should inspire people of all walks of life

John, Grand Master of the Arena

It’s dumb, but the kind of dumb I was hoping for. Not the dumb that was the first half of this book.

gellaho

You were all murdered last book. You lost in a way that destroyed the universe

hype slug jakesy

RUN COWARD

gellaho

Don't make promises you can't keep

Dr Shark

DO IT

hype slug jakesy

Tivia is rock hard from all of this

John, Grand Master of the Arena

“Corrupt phraser” is presumably a typo and not some evil dictionary.

gellaho

They're evile, do you get it

gellaho

Do you?

Dr Shark

"So...no kills? They're all still alive?"

John, Grand Master of the Arena

“I knew all men were evil,” she said, smirking, as the universe was devoured by darkness.

Dr Shark

"Just...explain how this was a success when they have the same number of people now that they did before you fought them"

gellaho

Murdarr sulks among his body pillows

hype slug jakesy

They got to do a funny “gotcha!”

John, Grand Master of the Arena

What is a pillow-shaped cushion and why isn’t it just a pillow?

Dr Shark

Isn't a pillow-shaped cushion a rectangle?

hype slug jakesy

Murdarr for sure has waifu pillows as friends

Dr Shark

Crunchy waifu pillows

GDC

I thought that was a cushion-shaped pillow.

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Quickly, get into my car-shaped automobile and watch out, they’re shooting us with their gun-shaped firearms!

gellaho

It's real weird how Peter decided that the green pirate should be the only competent villain

hype slug jakesy

You guys are confused. All cushions are pillows, but not all pillows are cushions

It’s like squares and rectangles

gellaho

Pirrarr has consistently been the only Arrian with an understandable motivation, questions about the Warlord of Arr's leadership, and leadership capabilities

gellaho

and yet he talks like a pirate

John, Grand Master of the Arena

So the official stance of this book is fucking Bhodi Li is the one with a formidable mind?

gellaho

I think he's just too dumb and overconfident to brainwash

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Awesomely?

Dr Shark

"Yarr. I be having no realistic personality flaws Peter could conjure."

GDC

Wait, did the pirate name everyone?

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Bhodi being brainwashed.

https://youtu.be/Q7K5LSsJN90

gellaho

"Don't give me no lip" is something Simon Hawke would never say

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha it would seem so, but it’s actually somehow a coincidence that the pirate has an arr in the name

They’re Arrians

gellaho

Good to know that Murdarr is just as dumb as Bhodi Li

gellaho

The Warlord of Arr is very creative

gellaho

The explanation is still that they got that name from Hitler. Even though they were created by the ancient Neutronians

gellaho

doesn't make a lot of sense

Dr Shark

The first few generations of Arrians were lost in gun-tasting accidents

gellaho

I keep forgetting it's "Projectons"

gellaho

My brain won't allow that

My brain insists, "No, it must be projections. That's a real word. Why would anyone make up Projectons? That's stupid."

Dr Shark

Peter's inside your head now

gellaho

Pete's just stealing other people's bits now

Dr Shark

ugh

gellaho

Fuck you, Douglas Adams

John, Grand Master of the Arena

It’s like reading a brochure from a hotel lobby. No need to even have characters anymore.

gellaho

I was too busy seeing the Hitchhiker's Guide thing to notice the Class "M" planet thing

gellaho

Stealing from everybody

gellaho

I think this is Lord Baethan's planet?

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Maybe. It doesn’t specify if the robots can grow sweet mustaches.

Dr Shark

Encyclopedias are written to hype things, right?

gellaho

Maybe not

Dr Shark

Devastator!

gellaho

Ripping off Star Trek and Hitchhiker's Guide directly is so fucking shameless

John, Grand Master of the Arena

The problem with the “Arr” naming convention is you can’t trust Sharrizar now. And I’m not entirely sold on Parcival, either.

Dr Shark

Parcival's a mass murderer waiting for an excuse

gellaho

Now, Transformers' turn

gellaho

Sharrizarr, Parrcival

Dr Shark

That tree had been growing for thousands of years. It saw empires rise and fall. It once was home to a squirrel.

gellaho

I forgot Bugarr existed

John, Grand Master of the Arena

This series already introduced a kick-ass robot and constantly sidelines him. You can’t fool me twice.

Dr Shark

Leon better eviscerate these fools

gellaho

Lord Baethan says the ten year old can die

gellaho

Photon Guardians are A-OK with child soldiers

Dr Shark

Women: Just Carry Them!

gellaho

not Soldarrs

hype slug jakesy

Hahaha

Tivia is fed up with being carried around everywhere but she’s too dainty and fragile to do anything about it

gellaho

Parcival, the Velma