Trapper FlippantSausage
Suck it, accordion lungs!
Oh wait, you cant, because if you could you would be able to breathe!
105: Tom Swift #4: The DNA Disaster Victor Appleton
#4 Tom Swift
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Mess with the laws of evolution - and you just might risk extinction!
Archive
Brendan
Did you know that in earth's gravity a fruit fly can only evolve to be 30x as rad before it collapses under the weight of the media's expectations?
gellaho
And the Changeling, who could leave the holographic projection room, can't leave the compound
gellaho
Try not to think about it
GDC
That's pretty impressive. I top out at 2x
Trapper FlippantSausage
You could.........just turn into a jellyfish and sting his dick when he bathes, Changling.
Or one of those lil blue octopi that can kill a dude with a drop of venom.
Brendan
Changeling can change his shape, but not his heart.
gellaho
Mandy nuts
Brendan
All he has to do is pose as tom Swift and wreck a lot of relationships
HeyitsTom
He was programmed for evil, not smart
GDC
You already turned into the black death, maybe try something that isn't so easily defeated by modern hygiene.
Give Tom hepatitis
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Hey, Mandy, wanna see me devolve a bird?"
gellaho
Candy factory? I'm sure the giant fruit flies have no interest
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Tom's about to get owned by a fruit fly
gellaho
Who couldst have foreseen!?
HeyitsTom
Tom groans at getting a call from his girlfriend. This guy sucks in every way imaginable
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Oh thats fine, I invented an evolution gun, so watch out for science issues, okay? Yeah regular Tuesday, lol."
GDC
Now it's that episode of the Simpsons where homer steals that huge pile of sugar
gellaho
Well known features of black holes are purple lights and tornadoes
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom, Mandy might be sweet but the kind of insects that like sugar arent going to bother her except by grossing her out.
The Badgers in the Discords
Every fact this author knows about black holes comes from the Disney movie
gellaho
You know, the damage that wasn't described
GDC
Black hole is what he called his neighbor after the spray paint
HeyitsTom
Oof
Trapper FlippantSausage
What a shitty mynah bird, it only knows two words?
gellaho
They really have forgot the magic crystal gun has a reverse
shaqtoberfest jakesy
I mean yeah haven't you seen a Lisa Frank trapper keeper
Trapper FlippantSausage
Dragonflies.........eat meat tho, Tom.
They're predatory.
Like what are you even at this point.
GDC
GDC
Wait, are dragonflies even venomous?
gellaho
Ancient dragonflies, maybe
Tom and Rick cover them with sticky goo
The Badgers in the Discords
GIF
GDC
Trapper FlippantSausage
I assume the ghostwriter is now just blatantly working off Ark rules and every insect is venomous.
gellaho
Tom finally remembers the forward button, but manages to fuck that up too
Trapper FlippantSausage
Whoops. Left it on too long.
You did this on purpose, didnt you, Tom?
gellaho
Future flies for everyone!
HeyitsTom
"Now they're perfect," he said, placing the machine on the ground. "My Emissaries of Death."
GDC
All of this could be solved with a fly swatter
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Someone should stop this idiot from playing god
Trapper FlippantSausage
Cmoooon Tom do not let the gubmint men have future flies, theyll make some kind of weapon with it.
Or try.
The Badgers in the Discords
Ehhhh, let him go, he thinks it's neat
gellaho
You'd never guess it, but the black hole is still doing it's thing
GDC
He's going to put it in a mason jar with some sticks and leaves and feed it grubs
The Badgers in the Discords
GIF
gellaho
And the future flies have died
Trapper FlippantSausage
Unlike the prehistoric ones, huh Tom?
GDC
The DNA scanner anticipated future environments and mutated accordingly
Brendan
Remember when I said evolved for oxygen? Not even that.
HeyitsTom
These ones needed an atmosphere with 10% more Onlyfans
Trapper FlippantSausage
The ones adapted to breath high oxygen content and with no industrial poisons?
gellaho
And also The Changeling is off in his own book, trying to kill Sandra
Trapper FlippantSausage
In the hands of a decent writer the Changeling would make for a decent book idea.
HeyitsTom
Hey Changeling, I think if you want Tom's life ruined you should just let him do it
Brendan
Goddamn, what did Tom do to this guy?
Trapper FlippantSausage
Created him.
gellaho
The Changeling shocks her. So, naturally, she rips off his face
The Badgers in the Discords
Took the last slice of pizza in the break room
GIF
Trapper FlippantSausage
The worst thing you can do to someone.
gellaho
You know, perfectly normal
gellaho
Luckily the black hole reappears to suck out all the air
Trapper FlippantSausage
Changeling has the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible and flirt with Sanda, get married and start a family.
Once it finishes hyperevolving or whatever.
HeyitsTom
"Hey this is Sandra again. Yeah, I need another rescue team. Yep, only the ones who signed the new liability waivers."
Trapper FlippantSausage
"No make sure its the ones we pushed THIS week."
Brendan
Rape by proxy is the funniest punchline?
gellaho
And also, the bird is changing now
The Badgers in the Discords
The Aristocrats!!
gellaho
Because a story doesn't need to do have any sort of flow, and things should just happen
The Badgers in the Discords
It's like Ulysses but for dumb people
GDC
Sandra's about to get eaten by a talking velociraptor
Trapper FlippantSausage
I was thinking more of a consensual and fun Ben Stiller kind of in-laws situation.
Brendan
Ulysses was already for the Irish.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
This book is putting me in the Negative Zone too
gellaho
Other than, you know, The Changeling was pretending to be her brother
Anyway, the dinosaur is here
Trapper FlippantSausage
Its probably the best way to get her interested aside from being Joe Hardy.
Brendan
pre jurassic park?
gellaho
Two years before
HeyitsTom
Velociraptors, the largest and most giant of all the dinosaurs
The Badgers in the Discords
More like "Stealberg", amirite
HeyitsTom
Bazinga
Trapper FlippantSausage
Notoriously not about the size of a large dog.
The Badgers in the Discords
Yaherdaboutdis? Yaherdaboutdis?
gellaho
I'm perfectly fine with saying Crichton stole ideas
Trapper FlippantSausage
Crichton definitely read this exact book and stole every single idea from it.
The Badgers in the Discords
How could Crichton steal anything from within his sensory deprivation tank in which he comes up with all his plots
Trapper FlippantSausage
ESP!
gellaho
It leaves and Sandra gets to go to the infirmary for the second time this book
gellaho
I'd recognize that dead eyed bird stare anywhere!
HeyitsTom
Someone pull on Dr Kronkheit's face real quick
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Fuck, I was going to use it to test my nuclear explodatron next week."
gellaho
Comedy is hard
Trapper FlippantSausage
wait.........why flamethrowers?!
GDC
I think regular guns will work just fine
Trapper FlippantSausage
I mean im as pro flamethrower as anyone but isnt using a hose that projects a river of burning liquid indoors kind of against fire codes?
HeyitsTom
"Don't worry, I specifically summoned the guards with the least nosy next-of-kin."
gellaho
And now a T-Rex
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Fortunately the flame thrower related deaths were covered by all the older waivers!"
gellaho
Because this was written by an 8 year old
Tom Swift thinks this net is a great idea
gellaho
Trapper FlippantSausage
Okay you put in the objectively coolest dinosaur that isnt a tapejara, congrats.
gellaho
They had to go get it from the van. Not sure why they left it there
Trapper FlippantSausage
Adventure!
HeyitsTom
There is nothing less clever than describing a dinosaur as dinosaurian
gellaho
Other than the battery weighs like fifty pounds
GDC
Like, 'saurian' is an actual word.
Brendan
Tom invented fireproof flame
Trapper FlippantSausage
Yeah and its emitting exotic extradimensional radiation. Tom is going to have to invent new words to describe the kinds of cancers you get from being exposed to Negative Zone energy
Rick is four kinds of sterile right now.
GDC
Like all of Tom's inventions, it is aware enough to crave the sweet release of death.
gellaho
Tom Swift, super genius, can't remember where he might have seen a shape changing T-Rex before. Even though he literally just remembered where he saw a shape changing T-Rex
Trapper FlippantSausage
Which is good because his children would be dinosaur mutants.
"Shit, where have I seen this thing I invented just the other day before?"
HeyitsTom
Ok so this means it's about to give him bubonic plague again, right?
Brendan
Why doesn't changeling become viruses then?
Trapper FlippantSausage
Ghostwriter doesnt believe in viruses.
And also Tom Swift cured all diseases he didnt invent.
gellaho
Tom Swift really needs this net thing to take off
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom really wants to hyperevolve that bird into a Mynaman.
Brendan
If the evolvo-ray shoots male specimens, do your sperm evolve into 100 million kids with a shitty dad?
GDC
@Brendan were you here when we discovered this author went to jail for assaulting his neighbor with duct tape and spray paint?
Brendan
No!
What's his name?
GDC
@Ferroday Plays Both Sides did the research.
HeyitsTom
Not me
Trapper FlippantSausage
Trapper FlippantSausage
Twas Ferroday.
gellaho
They eventually shoot the thing with the evolvo-ray. Describing the evolution takes two whole pages, so I'll skip that
And, uh oh, the switch got stuck
Trapper FlippantSausage
Wow they went really granular with it, huh?
My money is on hot bird girl.
gellaho
Then it leaves
GDC
Smart bird
Trapper FlippantSausage
Aw damn, it just became a metal bird.
HeyitsTom
"Oh no I'm hyper-evolving the bird," Tom said, making no effort to disable the machine. "Oh no I'm still doing it."
gellaho
That name could use a second pass
Trapper FlippantSausage
Yeah we dont need Megatron to have AID.
GDC
Why do they think crystals can be used as computers?
gellaho
1991 was a different time
Trapper FlippantSausage
Writer went to the Doctor Dinosaur School of Applied Science.
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have given him those genie circuits
GDC
I think this authors knowledge of computers ends with univac
Trapper FlippantSausage
Trapper FlippantSausage
Hahahahqah even your normal ass supercomputer is evil, Tom.
HeyitsTom
Luckily Swift Enterprises is here to help solve all the problems created by Swift Enterprises
Trapper FlippantSausage
"I did it because fuck you, Tom."
gellaho
Just when he was about to give all the answers, what are the odds
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Fuck you for cursing me with self awareness."
Brendan
Betrayed by Megatron! Who could have guessed?
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Why do they keep talking to Calvin Johnson
gellaho
Fuck off
GDC
This wouldn't be a problem if you had called it Optimus
Trapper FlippantSausage
Laid low by something Im 100% sure no one who has ever used in a book really knows how it works.
Brendan
Evolve your puns, Tom.
Trapper FlippantSausage
If it had been named Optimus it would have killed itself months ago.
HeyitsTom
This author's humour is better than Ready Player One's only because of its relative scarcity
gellaho
Rick trips into a hole and gets magic ray'd
Trapper FlippantSausage
Hell yeah Devolved Rick!
CHIMP RICK! CHIMP RICK!
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Is he going to say it
Say the line
IM A PICKLE RICK!
HeyitsTom
"You shouldn't have questioned me, Rick," Tom said flatly. "I'd prefer that my friend remember his place."
gellaho
Off he goes, losing all his clothes
Trapper FlippantSausage
HAHAHAHHA perfect.
Exactly what you deserve for being Tom Swifts best friend on the day he invents an evolution ray.
gellaho
Ah, so that's what the hi-tech bear rug was for. That's stupid.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
It was then that the dinosaurs carried him
Trapper FlippantSausage
Rick spends the rest of the day jerking off in a cage and eating bananas.
HeyitsTom
Tom noticed that, on the times where there was only one set of rapidly-devolving ape footprints, it was on the hardest and most desparate times of his life
GDC
I can't believe I called Rick turning into a caveman
HeyitsTom
Haha you beat me to it
gellaho
Tom takes some time to really check out how muscular this ape-man is
Trapper FlippantSausage
No.
Absolutely not.
GDC
That's just Tuesday
Trapper FlippantSausage
Swift Enterprises employees desperately need a union but Tom keeps turning organizers into cantaloupes.
gellaho
The security guards scare Rick, who in turn destroys Tom's leg
gellaho
And, there he goes
GDC
Return to nature, Rick
Trapper FlippantSausage
Caverick finds himself in the Amazon Zone dome and just sets up shop, they have to chase him around for weeks.
gellaho
And the black hole has stabilized. So that's good
Trapper FlippantSausage
Is that the normal speed? Maybe its one minute per minute, Tom.
Maybe its one tall man per second.\
GDC
HeyitsTom
I wonder what the shareholders make of all this
gellaho
You three teens can handle the cavemen
Trapper FlippantSausage
Great ROI, no questions asked.
Mandy is surprisingly DTF for a girl who's sometime boyfriend just turned their mutual friend into an ape man.
I feel like that would impact how I feel about hanging out with someone.
GDC
The changeling can't leave the compound for...reasons?
HeyitsTom
She knows what he is. She's always known
gellaho
Tom probably should have remembered his robot before they had to lug a fifty pound evolution ray gun around
Trapper FlippantSausage
I guess its better this way, at least she knows hes not fucking an alien.
Just maybe Cave Rick.
I wonder if Rick will remember his time as a caveman.
gellaho
I think you'll find this explanation less than satisfactory
HeyitsTom
"Tom, I asked you repeatedly to stop using that inflection. I'm not a 'man,' I'm a man."
gellaho
As much as he remembers being destroyed throughout space and time in the Hardy Boys crossover
Trapper FlippantSausage
Hahahahah I forgot he got Infinite Crisised.
gellaho
Very strange
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom is kind of a bad friend, i mean on the one hand, hes rich and deffo pays for pizza and has the best videogames. On the other.........
HeyitsTom
That's the worst pickup line I've ever heard
GDC
He stills makes you use the Madcatz controller
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom.......stop that, you fucking stop that innuendo right goddam now.
gellaho
He'll obviously smell the same as a caveman
HeyitsTom
BEEP BOOP CAVEMAN CROTCH DETECTED IN SECTOR ALPHA 5
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Oh yeah.........that. Sure, yeah. Smelling and only smelling. Thats what I meant, Mandy."
GDC
Rob has been programmed to sniff out caveman dick
Tom can't believe it's actually coming in handy
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom just failing to follow the path of shit and shed hair and broken furniture Rick is leaving.
gellaho
The Changeling is a master tactician
gellaho
Trapper FlippantSausage
And this isnt the first time Tom has had to track a primate thru an office building.
Youd think Toms dad would cut his budget after the first near total destruction of the compound.
HeyitsTom
"Hey Tom, how come this creature you programmed wants to kill everyone except you?"
gellaho
Now The Changeling's just feeling out the space, doing some freeform shape-shifting
HeyitsTom
How do you look at a spider and know that it actually has snake fangs
Trapper FlippantSausage
"No seriously, I;m asking because I'm confused and free will is a mystery to me."
gellaho
I feel like there are several better options than this
Trapper FlippantSausage
Goes full Blue Horror.
gellaho
This ghostwriter was unaware that everyone in town has already seen Rob before. So, he had Mandy come up with a very stupid ruse
HeyitsTom
...
Why even bother
Trapper FlippantSausage
Or maybe they are feeling like if they dont cheer for the mad son of the local oligarch he will kill them with his robot army.
Or maybe they're big into Iron Giant.
HeyitsTom
"Calm yourselves, peasants. This robot is actually a perfect simulation of a robot."
A lot of narcissistic psychopaths think they're better at fooling people than they actually are
So this makes sense
GDC
The townsfolk are used to technological horrors by now
Swamp gas reflecting off venus
gellaho
Looks like Rick is still going to make it to football practice
HeyitsTom
Meanwhile Rob is still sniffing out swamp ass
shaqtoberfest jakesy
You know what they say, men are from mars, cavemen are from Venus
gellaho
The ghostwriter, careening back into another plot, has the black hole eating Swift Enterprises
Trapper FlippantSausage
Tom you fucking........a football field is not a "grassy plain"
gellaho
You expect Tom Swift to understand football
HeyitsTom
How have they not evacuated swift enterprises already
Trapper FlippantSausage
Or plains, i guess.
gellaho
Oh, and also the Changeling is there
Trapper FlippantSausage
Okay but now that I think of it maybe football would be improved if it was played by teams of genetically modified cavemen in a field of prarie grass four or so feet high. I'd at least consider the possibility.
gellaho
Swerving back, here's Rick
Trapper FlippantSausage
Sweet. Rick invented tools!
HeyitsTom
In the red dwarf books humanity created sports mutants. There was a soccer goalie that was just a twenty foot wide rectangle of flesh
GDC
Rick slew the robo bear, just give him what he wants
Trapper FlippantSausage
Poor robo bear.
gellaho
Tom thinks he can program background processes into his brain
HeyitsTom
Oh yes, tell us more about your fucking mind palace, Sherlock
GDC
Tom thinks his brain supports multithreading in 1991
HeyitsTom
Just kiss martin freeman already and get it over with
gellaho
Rick's a quarterback, but we can't expect the writer to keep these kinds of details straight
GDC
I bet Tukowski hates that name
HeyitsTom
I'm sorry is there a game on the field while this is happening?
gellaho
Cavemen were all Hulks, right?
Trapper FlippantSausage
Sure, why not.
gellaho
Dan's dead
HeyitsTom
Also, Rick was naked because he shrunk out of his clothes. This creature is like 3 feet tall
Trapper FlippantSausage
Well, Tom you let your best friend kill an entire football team today.
gellaho
OK, sure.
Did he also lift up the entire school?
HeyitsTom
"Luckily I put up those posters about that new film, The Apes of Wrath!" Sandra said smugly as the bodies were carried away.
gellaho
And how did the brilliant Tom Swift defeat the rampaging cave-Hulk?
He waited for it to fall down
gellaho
Trapper FlippantSausage
Neat trick for a hominid three feet tall with brittle bones and intestinal parasites.
So Rick is gonna be paralyzed when he turns back to normal.
HeyitsTom
Maybe he can evolve himself a new nervous system
gellaho
What a conclusion to that conflict
HeyitsTom
"I'd recognise that penis anywhere!"
gellaho
Then they all laugh at his dick.
HeyitsTom
Nailed it
gellaho
Seems like somebody owes someone an apology
Trapper FlippantSausage
"Hahahaha I guess your ancestors didnt evolve pleasing their lovers, huh Rick? Well at least you can always do mouth stuff."
HeyitsTom
"He can bound, he can leap, he can gore..."
Most importantly he can take a massive head injury without suing
gellaho
Unfortunately Dan, who miraculously didn't die. Thinks it's a great idea to mess around with the device that turned Rick back
gellaho
So now Rick will be more than human
HeyitsTom
Rick evolves into the pinnacle of humanity and becomes another Tom Swift