105: Tom Swift #4: The DNA Disaster Victor Appleton

gellaho

Humans will evolve into cylindrical bodies and large transparent heads

HeyitsTom

gellaho

Like an old school thermometer

And the DNA scanner now pulls people from the future, I guess?

Trapper FlippantSausage

Hahahahahhahaha "Malthus"

HeyitsTom

Ah, a troubling glimpse of things to come. Terrifyingly alien qnd yet so so plausible

I too fear the day we live in hive-cells

gellaho

The ghostwriter can't be bothered by these details

Something unpleasant

HeyitsTom

Also I like that he evolved a future guy's memories

Way to grasp the theory

gellaho

He's also a wizard, so that's fun

Trapper FlippantSausage

Hey, can we have Rick back? His descendant is a fuckin dick.

HeyitsTom

Oh my god I thought it said Post-Spock Era

GDC

Hey Malthus, your future sucks

Trapper FlippantSausage

"We act like this because of the Smug Wars of 3002! You wouldnt know about it, primitives."

gellaho

The Forbidden Studies

GDC

Nevada is on the coast, and also Nevada still exists

HeyitsTom

"To us, YOU seem insufferable."

Trapper FlippantSausage

Fuuuuuck oooooooooof. Send him back.

gellaho

They still need to gamble, man

"Come on, solve all my problems future man! The ghostwriter is so tired"

HeyitsTom

Good thing they explained that Malthus studies ancient languages otherwise this would be stupid

GDC

Every word Malthus speaks makes me want to shove him in a locker

HeyitsTom

Let's be real, Tom would absolutely hate anyone smarter than him

gellaho

"That doesn't really explain anything-oh, you're done? Alright."

Trapper FlippantSausage

Yeah yeah yeah just fuckin die of black lung already, you futurepussy.

gellaho

Using all these sciency terms like "life force"

Trapper FlippantSausage

We all know you dont even breath air that isnt gritty anyway.

Malthus is from like three weeks in the future and is fucking with them.

GDC

Weak future lungs can't handle particulates

Trapper FlippantSausage

Malthus cant breath even a quarter of the silica dust my grandfather could.

gellaho

Nah, he really really wants the particulates

The Badgers in the Discords

mmmm, yummy yummy carcinogens

gellaho

But unfortunately he starts dying before solving the black hole problem.

HeyitsTom

Trapper FlippantSausage

Delicious fluorocarbons, a word that the ghostwriter definitely knows the meaning of.

gellaho

So that was all pointless

Yay

GDC

In the future everyone worships Thomas Midgley

Trapper FlippantSausage

Good riddance to future assholes.

If I ever time travel I plan to at least be polite to the primitive dickheads.

While I rule them like a god.

gellaho

What a phenomenal waste of time

GDC

Malthys is slowly dying without tetraethyl lead in the atmosphere

gellaho

I thought he lazily introduced a future man to solve the plot, but he couldn't even manage that

HeyitsTom

"Without precious thalidomide I will surely die."

Trapper FlippantSausage

"Tom, when do I ever get to remember these things?"

"If I was a remembererist we wouldnt be friends."

Rick has a memorial shrine he doesnt know about where his family keeps mementoes of all the times he gets fucked up by Tom.

gellaho

Ugly-buglies

Trapper FlippantSausage

Dan is the only smart person.

Tom is a genius but also a dipshit.

HeyitsTom

...why did he throw his helmet into the bushes though. What?

Trapper FlippantSausage

He'll come back for it, but he cant risk Tom having invented Helmet Bees.

gellaho

And everyone figures it out before Tom Swift, supergenius

HeyitsTom

Haha right at the end you can see him starting to pretend it was his idea

shaqtoberfest jakesy

Changeling stood no chance against Calvin Johnson one on one

gellaho

You know, one of them energy vortices

Trapper FlippantSausage

Like those assholes from Cal Tech can figure it out, they havent even invented a black hole yet.

HeyitsTom

I hope Sandra has some really good posters

Trapper FlippantSausage

Glitter and puffy pant for this one, Sandra.

gellaho

In order to get passed the Department of Defense, Tom mangles his robot

HeyitsTom

"You could have just told me to do that, Tom."

GDC

His promises to fix Rob amount to nothing after the national guard fires an RPG

gellaho

Only sailboats can defeat black holes

HeyitsTom

So this is one of those California-swallowing energy vortices that you can just kind of walk into

gellaho

Time for the Boss Battle

GDC

Take off your jncos and you won't act like a sail

gellaho

A boss that can be very easily dealt with by a tool box

GDC

The changeling transforms and lays an egg in Tom's torso

HeyitsTom

Never take advice from the opponent, Changeling

gellaho

Tom Swift is just full of original ideas

HeyitsTom

"Computer game software program" reads like someone trying to hit the minimum word count

gellaho

These weapons lockers are just full of tool kits

GDC

Tom had managed to hide it from George Lucas's lawyers up until now.

gellaho

Well, shoot, that didn't work

gellaho

Back to the tool kit

gellaho

It's just toolkits all the way down

HeyitsTom

How many times did Swifty just get electrocuted?

Trapper FlippantSausage

Someone never told this guy that its usually good if your sci fi book doesnt have a problem solved with a ball peen hammer.

HeyitsTom

I thought he was just gonna bash the monster in the head haha

gellaho

A fiercesome villain to be sure

Trapper FlippantSausage

Yeah sure whatever Tom.

gellaho

Then shove him in a battery like a nerd into a locker

gellaho

I'll bet it was

gellaho

Tom Swift brilliantly throws the changling into the black hole

gellaho

And suddenly two beings of pure light appear to congratulate him for doing so

Trapper FlippantSausage

"Well, criminal in that it would be like if someone ate too many cheeseburgers."

GDC

We consume physical matter too, orb. I'm not impressed

Trapper FlippantSausage

"Also nevermind that this is directly contradicting the rest of the book."

HeyitsTom

"We can see the infinite vastness of time and space, and you, Tom Swift, are the coolest guy there ever was."

gellaho

Vladigon and Estramir

Trapper FlippantSausage

Space narcs.

gellaho

GDC

The future orb nerds sound like dungeons and dragons characters

HeyitsTom

Aetheric cops are bastards

gellaho

Just swap around some names from a play and you're good to go

Or just steal Megatron, who really cares

Ozzie

Maybe Rosenstern and Guildencrantz was already taken

gellaho

Just pretend it makes sense, kids

HeyitsTom

Hey... yeah. That was a really dumb line even for this

gellaho

Unnecessary, Tom

GDC

Chekov's game over button

gellaho

Wakka wakka

Trapper FlippantSausage

"Shut up, Rick or I'll turn you into an ape man again."

gellaho

And that's the end

GDC

The book ends with Rick begging Tom to abandon his mad ambitions

The Badgers in the Discords

More books should end with the protagonist getting vaudeville hooked offstage.

Trapper FlippantSausage

"Did you like oblivion, Rick? The nonexistence you experienced when I reached forward in time like a god to bring your shitty descendant here?"

gellaho

We have defeated Tom Swift #4: The DNA Disaster

The Badgers in the Discords

We did it!

GDC

Good work everyone.

Trapper FlippantSausage

Yay! Im still confused as to how it was a DNA based disaster but whatever.

gellaho

So concludes The 105th Edition of The Book Cage

gellaho

May your bubble gum be free of future fruit flies.

HeyitsTom

What a ride

shaqtoberfest jakesy

It was the 90s, I think DNA was invented like 3 years before this book came out

It could have been anything

HeyitsTom

I didn't know they just kept making these books, so I was surprised they even knew what dna was

I thought it had ended in the 60s or something

And according to Wikipedia there was another run of books in 2019

shaqtoberfest jakesy

Who knew Tom Swift was such a hot commodity

Hey wait a minute

shaqtoberfest jakesy

It's fuckin you isn't it Tom

HeyitsTom

They're on to me! Cheese it fellas!

shaqtoberfest jakesy

They're still doing Dino time travel too huh

Going right back to that well

Ecto

Well… yeah

You telling me if you had one wish for a magi-tech genie you wouldn't be bringing back dinosaurs without a seconds hesitation?

My inner 8 year old and outer 38 year old have voted unanimously on this matter

HeyitsTom

I just noticed that book is called 'the virtual vandal.' So there's a t rex exploding through a hallway but the actual plot is Tom left his facebook signed in on a school computer and someone posted "I'm gay lolololol"