FancyShark
Falco will be played by Monica Bellucci in my brain until further notice
107: Time Wars #4: The Zenda Vendetta Simon Hawke
#4 Time Wars
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Fourth in the new time travel adventure series!
Archive
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Her Falcon Punch is a real motherfucker, you're gonna lose some stock if it hits you.
HeyitsTom
I dunno, I can't see her as a blonde
FancyShark
Oh, I'm ignoring that Falco's blonde
HeyitsTom
fair enough
gellaho
Line height randomly decides to change length while taking about zen physics
GDC
I know she's described as blond but she's Salma Hayek in my brain.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Specifically from the movie From Dusk Til Dawn.
HeyitsTom
I'll go with Marion Cotillard
FancyShark
"We call it zen physics because it's easier than explaining why we have a blood stain on the wall at the end of the time catapult runway"
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I've gone with Peter O'Toole in a wig, givng the performance of a lifetime
Brendan
The trigger word is...COVFEFE
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
That sound of one hand clapping needs to be retired, the philosopher Bart Simpson solved it in the 90s.
gellaho
Simon gives five reasons why all these coincidences are fine
GDC
That list could use some line breaks
FancyShark
lol
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
So five coincidences is too many?
FancyShark
"This is fine. I resemble a king."
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I dunno that seems like a coincidence.
Also some of these arent coincidences, if you have direct evidence two things are related its not a coincidence.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Wait what's her Codename again?
gellaho
Finn's also supposed to be an insubordinate drunk, so giving him a bunch of monologs is an...interesting choice
FancyShark
We only have the one piece of paper, Sausage. We can't start the list over
HeyitsTom
only in the future
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Someone needs to send some white out to the futurepast.
gellaho
Simon will eventually learn to put down the thesaurus, but not yet
FancyShark
"I don't recall anyone mentioning feces, Finn"
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Theres no way Finn knows what "eschatological" means.
gellaho
He's still going to use tatterdemalion for a while
GDC
He heard someone say it once and inferred the wrong meaning
gellaho
Hey, look, the preview!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Easy solution go rob Hawkins
gellaho
Meanwhile, back in Ruritania
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I think this guy might be burly
HeyitsTom
oh she's wearing clothes, that seems out of character for her
gellaho
Pony tail
FancyShark
Drakov's bra chafed and he wondered if Falcon's was bothering her
gellaho
Two words
gellaho
He does have some pretty big tits from all those muscles
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Time steroids will do that to you.
HeyitsTom
I'm telling you guys he is kylo ren
gellaho
Luckily they've found a part of the castle nobody uses
gellaho
Very convenient
HeyitsTom
I thought it was going to say "with nothing but rats and silverfish to eat"
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
To be fair, nobody uses castles for much period so I'll let it slide.
gellaho
Listen, Simon doesn't need to know that Star Wars stole from him
FancyShark
They stumble on a dude in an iron mask and kick him out the door
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Such a fuckin bitch to heat a castle.
gellaho
Apparently the Star Trek people didn't pay him for one of his novels, so he doesn't need more of that
(as seen in The Ambivalent Magician, previous Book Cage)
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Boooo pay Simon for his novels, Star Trek.
HeyitsTom
PAY THOSE WRITERS
gellaho
Falco tries to get Drakov to fuck her in a torture device
FancyShark
@Rachel might be Wushu Satan ?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Cmooooooooon Drakov, you're obviously bored.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I mean its not like you have shit to do, why not rail your coworker on medieval torture equipment?
FancyShark
The silverfish can watch
Brendan
More like Adam Rider.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
She brought it up so you know shes DTF, consent obtained, lets fucking GOOOOOOOOO!
GDC
She's trying to trick him into trying the pear of agony
gellaho
And here's where we learn Drakov is Forrester's son
gellaho
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Drakov needs an engraved invitation like a fussy bitch tho.
HeyitsTom
fuck's sake
too easy
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Dude the best way to get back at your dad? Banging his old girlfriend. Just saying.
gellaho
I've said it before, I'll say it again, Star Wars is not a bastion of original ideas
GDC
banging his old girlfriend in an iron maiden
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Banging his old girlfriend on a Catherine wheel.
gellaho
gellaho
He objected to that part. Too decadent
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
And you COULD be fucking, like a pair of deluded anarchists.
FancyShark
Parasites, because symbiosis wouldn't be discovered until a later book
HeyitsTom
how about just a handjob with the thumbscrews on
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Like just saying, anarchists fuck.
gellaho
Bobby Derringer, descendant of Rick
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
His gun is so tiny, the other guys in the Time Corps make fun of him all the time.
Offer to hold his purse while he shoots people.
HeyitsTom
surely they would just stop noticing each others' age
gellaho
Andre says bust out the trebuchets
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Okay say what you will about pampered Englishmen, they kill things real good. Usually their own men, but sometimes "a prissy dandy man" and "murderous fiend" live in the same skin.
gellaho
Ah, nepotism
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Nepotism still a thing in the future.
gellaho
But what of King Ralph?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
King Ralph could fuck someone up if he had a mind to.
gellaho
Simon wants you to know what stand up he was listening to
Brendan
Is she his mom? Or is he just going to become eskimo buddies with his dad?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
The future thinking comedians are philosophers bodes soooo poorly.
FancyShark
They still won't be able to tell what Dennis Miller is talking about
gellaho
The plan is put into effect, revealing that Simon Hawke knows even more types of pipes than in the last book
gellaho
Meerschaum
FancyShark
No no, comedians
HeyitsTom
oh sorry
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
God hes going to be like the fuckin Socrates of our time, isnt he?
FancyShark
He will if he drinks the hemlock
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Like we all hate him and want him to drink poison, but the future is gonna think hes the bees knees.
God I hate the future.
gellaho
I'm going to guess most people under 35 don't know who Dennis is, so you're fine
Brendan
The older I get the more I'm confident Socrates was Athens's Dinesh D'Souza.
gellaho
Anyway, Finn meets his twin, the King
Brendan
Sir, I am your son and/or alt-stream self.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
People said the same thing about Socrates, I imagine. At least Dennis Miller isnt out there corrupting the Athenian youth.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
, beb
HeyitsTom
maybe I'm the crazy one, but I don't think I would be so viscerally shocked by spotting someone who looks like me
I don't spend a lot of time looking at me
like if I ran into a stranger who looked exactly like my girlfriend that would be much weirder
gellaho
Anyway, they get drunk together
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
As you do when you find your doppelganger.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Yeah that checks out
FancyShark
So Vertigo?
gellaho
Later, Drakov goes to murder the grandson of the famous time scientist
gellaho
He opines about it for a long time, which allows Simon to get his Russian heritage in there
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I hate when my murderer gets wordy.
gellaho
I'm assuming these are the Russian archbishops from Psychodrome
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
God Russians aggrandizing their national pastime of depression is so tedious.
HeyitsTom
it's kinda overdone
gellaho
Well, at least the bad guy is the sad sack
HeyitsTom
hey Russia, have you tried water and exercise?
because that's usually it
FancyShark
Water is ice in Russia. Exercise is breathing the ice. All is snow.
gellaho
Well, looky here. Even though I read this I forgot what happened. Drakov gets surprised by somebody stalking him
gellaho
Granted, I read this over a year ago
shaqtoberfest jakesy
In Soviet Russia, water exercises you!
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
You'd think theyd choose to focus on the fact that Russia has the highest rate of entertaining madmen per capita of any country on earth.
gellaho
The next day, the King has the hangover of all hangovers
FancyShark
King got so blasted last night, you guys. It was wiiiiiiild
gellaho
Michael! Daaaaaaaaaaamn yoooooooooou!
FancyShark
Calm down. He took some tylenol with the booze. He's just gonna be out a while
gellaho
Submit to the barbering
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Its fine, just give that old dude a belt of vodka and he'll steady up nice.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
He's not slit a throat by accident for WEEKs, dont be a future wuss, Finn.
gellaho
So Finn becomes the King
FancyShark
Please. You expect us to believe Ruritania has something like hot water?
gellaho
And Falcon is described as a collabo between de Sade and Rasputin
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Hot.
The Badgers in the Discords
so covered in filth and blood, not all of it his their own?
gellaho
Hers, but yeah
GDC
The Rasputin comparison is mostly due to the beard.
gellaho
They've seen her naked, so they've seen it
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I mean Rasputin had good taste, he was probably fucking the Tsarina after all.
HeyitsTom
"she wanted to fuck... for evil"
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I chose wisely
gellaho
Anyway, Finn meets Flavia
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Falcon, is that a codename or something?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Finn, you are going to rail that princess to keep time from going all wibbly, and you fuckin know it.
You try not to fuck every book, and it never works.
GDC
He's going to bang her so hard the prisoner of zenda becomes non fiction
FancyShark
Maybe that's part of his thing
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I mean I get it, you dont wanna be some kind of Time Gigolo but still.
gellaho
Later, they meet a spry young cock
FancyShark
And they're coming full speed
The Badgers in the Discords
hahaha this is how all those fiction books they kept going to ended up in the timestream.
gellaho
Oh, oopsie doodle, somebody done stole the king
FancyShark
King's been sleep-slashing again
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Hey Sapt? Can we stop and talk about the old woman you keep tied up?
HeyitsTom
may have just been the barber though
shaqtoberfest jakesy
These things do be happening sometimes
gellaho
Meanwhile, it's revealed that Forrester almost killed his son
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Luckily he has a 5 star frontal crash safety rating
gellaho
They did, so if you insist
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
As always Andre has to do the wetwork while Finn is hobnobbing and balls deep in a princess.
gellaho
Oh, also, Derringer did get got by Drakov, so Forrester fucked everything up
gellaho
Didn't kill his evil son or save the kid
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Goddammit, some hot shit Time Commando Forrester turned out to be.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
One day before Time Retirement too
HeyitsTom
day late and a dollar short. For a time traveler that's the worst insult imaginable
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Getting too old for this shit
FancyShark
This will not be going in his Minus Time column
GDC
Pour one out for the Time Redshirt
gellaho
Forrester transports to where his son went and takes out an automatic turret
HeyitsTom
my baby just stood without holding on to anything for over 10 seconds 🥳
The Badgers in the Discords
THE POWER OF HAWKE!
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Look, sometimes you have to find solutions, sometimes you have to deal with problems. This is dealing with a problem.
gellaho
Excuse me, this is Derringer's shitty hotel room
GDC
Always open fire on chuffing
FancyShark
Damn spawn campers
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Isn't chuffing what the furries do
I want no part of this
gellaho
Forrester cries at the sight of un-drank alcohol
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Fuckin Torbjorn mains.
The Badgers in the Discords
don't we all
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Yup.
HeyitsTom
try being angry at the actual murderer but ok
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
its a Glenlivet too.
GDC
Glenlivet is non regulation, which specifies islays only
gellaho
Forrester remembers an old mission where his entire team ate it on entry and he crashed into a barn
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Its so sad when a good bottle of Scotch is orphaned.
FancyShark
Even though the barn was abandoned, a cloud of feathers and hay still shot out of every window when he crashed into it
gellaho
He meets a girl with a very real name via this barn destruction
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Every barn is chock full of the ghost memories of chicken shit and cow farts from ages past.
FancyShark
And since he did Vanna Drakova...
gellaho
And he told her everything about the future and fucked her because he's a total moron
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Vanna Drakova
Drakova where do I know that name
HeyitsTom
such a mystery
so many layers
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
God, Forrester, you fucked it as hard as anyone has ever fucked anything.
You broke Rule Number 1 of time travel, you never tell them you're from the future.
ESPECIALLY if you fuck them.
HeyitsTom
while fucking a paradox baby into them
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
You just say youre going out for cigarettes and vanish.
gellaho
It's unfortunate he was allergic to the male birth control pills
Brendan
I have read everything and my only takeaway is horny drunks yelling and sniping.
gellaho
Oh, and he was able to pass on his anti aging drugs via sperm
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
God damn magic sperm, always getting people into trouble
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Like you do
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Goddammit Forrester, you pretty much guaranteed youd knock someone up.
GDC
That's like 90 percent of literature.
FancyShark
Doesn't that mean the child would never grow?
Or even reach "child" stage?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
This is why you should always do anal when you're time traveling.
HeyitsTom
ssshhh. Yes but sssssssshhhhhhh
also I just noticed it says there were "strict precautions" against this happening, but Forrester just never took any contraceptive and no one stopped him, so, like... not strict then
Brendan
If you get noodled into a singularity, you're less likely to notice when your timecraft falls into a black hole.
HeyitsTom
we got a writer in the house folks
gellaho
Later, Finn smokes Turkish cigarettes and thinks about B-girls. Whatever they are.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Forrester did the time traveller equivalent of "I dont use condoms because I dont like the feel."
FancyShark
🐝
Brendan
Can confirm am a horny screaming drunk.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
You find them on the Henny Penny Farmette
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
It's an older model of E-girl, but its still viable.
gellaho
NYYYYYYYYYSSSSSTTTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLL
FancyShark
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Hell yeah nysteel
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
You arent a proper sci fi author if you dont have a fake super metal your stuff is made of.
HeyitsTom
Lucas I know we're in the past but... please stop blackening your face
GDC
Nysteel is Hawke's mithril.
Or maybe adamantium
gellaho
Finn talks about how hot Falcon and the rest of the gang are
FancyShark
"He looks like he gives good hugs and enjoys crisp fall mornings"
HeyitsTom
???
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Lol charisma with a capital N for nasty
HeyitsTom
there's no N in charisma
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Finn doesnt know spelling or how that idiom works.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Might be the funniest line ever written
HeyitsTom
what the fuck was that line
GDC
You know, Nharisma.
HeyitsTom
I refuse that
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
That line was Literature
GDC
That line was poetry
gellaho
Afterwards, Falcon gets naked
GDC
Again?
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Drakov is pissed
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
So mad at nudity, like it was nudity that killed his mother.
GDC
Falcon takes 20 minutes to remove her bustle
gellaho
The most sensual love is methodical love
HeyitsTom
this lovemaking is so incomprehensible, thought many people at some time in their lives
gellaho
I know, most of us are only naked once. When we're born
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Lovemaking with a capital R for Robotic
FancyShark
Sex so powerful, it makes you feel like you're going to die of natural causes
GDC
therearedozensofus.jpg
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"She fucks so good I feel older now" Drakov thought to himself in a way that wasn't weird
GDC
That's either creepy or she's actually a succubus
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
All this is making me think Drakov isnt a good lay, and Falcon has tried to help him out a little with some tips.
HeyitsTom
the way this woman works my dick is beyond the reach of rational enquiry
GDC
Non-euclidean hand stuff
Brendan
She might just be a succubus.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
She gives types of jobs that haven't even been defined yet
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Like being told "Work the clit a little." pissed him off and now hes like "Waaaaha shes so cold and methodical!"
Brendan
Hey don't skip out on that full "Geriatric man makes love to a criminal" scene.
HeyitsTom
she can suck a man dry from around the corner
Brendan
D'oh
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Its not called a Glory Hole for nothing.
Brendan
Does the clit even exist in this time?
gellaho
Later, Finn thinks about Plastiskin
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I think shes from the future so she probably has a four dimensional hyperclit.