107: Time Wars #4: The Zenda Vendetta Simon Hawke

gellaho

Falcon kills furries

FancyShark

Djonin! Spotty! NOOOOOO!

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Worse ways to go than being stepped on by Titty Satan.

FancyShark

Yeah, come to think of it, they'd probably prefer to go that way

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Poor ratties tho.

gellaho

Hentzau has decided to help Finn

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Yeah that makes sense.

gellaho

And Simon has decided a whole page deserves to be one paragraph

gellaho

Don't actually read that

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Titty Satan is rad but she seems like being her henchman isnt a long term thing.

Simon, you didnt need to get that detailed with "Heres how you get to the cell and who is guarding it."

HeyitsTom

oh man that's a bit bad

FancyShark

"As long as we go over the plan in excruciating detail, it can't possibly fail"

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

*plan fails immediately.

FancyShark

"Awww, darn it!"

gellaho

Lucas now has to navigate a bunch of traps, and this is the best part of the book

FancyShark

Pitfall: A Lucas Priest Adventure

gellaho

He's attacked by insect turrets

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Ruritania has a long and proud history of building booby traps, its their national export.

gellaho

It's not like Moses to not open a path

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hahahahah of course.

FancyShark

Unfortunately for the Timekeepers, Ruritania is the ancestral home of Castle Wolfenstein

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Emergency Plan Step 1. Cry

Emergency Plan Step 2. Call your boss and beg for help

gellaho

Forrester recognizes the hotness of his son's mother in him

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Lucas' only character trait so far is failure

FancyShark

Dammit, this is exactly what I was afraid of

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

GAS. THAT. SON.

gellaho

Yeah, George wasn't great at making movies

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Its the only way to stop Titty Satan from reviving Chrono Hitler!

gellaho

Anyway, irony

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

"Bad. If I'm being honest. Feels real bad, man."

gellaho

Luckily, Simon is the only author in the Book Cage capable of not mentioning Hitler by name. Somehow.

The fucking Hardy Boys and Tom Swift couldn't manage that

HeyitsTom

that is surprising

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Theres reasons why Simon is my favorite Book Cage contributor.

FancyShark

PHOTON failed to avoid it in book one

gellaho

Hey, Drakov? She's from the 12th century

GDC

David Peter is the Antihawke of mentioning Hitler.

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Is......the 27th century all that perverse? It sounds kind of alright.

gellaho

And, to be fair to the now chronically ill Peter David, it was better for it

gellaho

And to also be fair to Peter David, this also true

Brendan

Boobs and swords are kind of their two things.

gellaho

Andre suggests future therapy, and Drakov is not interested

FancyShark

They once tried to combine them but the results were...unfortunate

gellaho

Alternate title for the Sword and Sandal genre

Brendan

Dear Editor: What if you were able to duel your son at your physical peaks? That's the premise in TIME LORDZZ, my newest novel in the TIMEKEEPERS series. In this installment, Lucas Priest must deliver Moses Bonesdown from his own progeny. It's Three Musketeers meets Empire Strikes Back from Darth Vader's perspective. Also he aids Nazis. I am enclosing 50 pages and a picture of my wife's tits.

HeyitsTom

"one man's terrorist bla bla bla," says every terrorist

"history is written by the winners," says every terrorist

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

To be fair, so do alot of non terrorists.

Its more accurate to say one mans Cobra is another mans Gi Joe.

HeyitsTom

just struck me as very first draft dialogue

gellaho

This is the point in every Time Wars book, where Simon rapidly switches perspectives so I'm going to try my best here

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Simon Hawke doesnt do anything as pedestrian as "dialogue" when there is raw action and tits to be mainlined.

HeyitsTom

haha

gellaho

The Book Cage has no editors, no second drafts

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Editors are just the brakes on the crazy train of Simon Hawke and they broke a long time ago.

gellaho

From the 1940s, to the year 2000 nobody cared about science fiction or fantasy, and we were better for it

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Only passion

FancyShark

Sometimes delusion

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

They're pathetically grateful when he deigns to use the Oxford comma, he has broken them so badly.

gellaho

It is helpful

Finn kicks a guy in the balls, lasers somebody in the face, and gets stabbed

gellaho

We call that the Zenda Triple

HeyitsTom

no time to bleed

Brendan

Annnnd fin.

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

And that is why you always wear your stab vest when visiting the 1890s.

gellaho

Lucas tries to evade the traps, but gets burned in the goddamned face

HeyitsTom

oh fuck

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Lucas has a new character trait: painful failure

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hell yeah, plasma burns are how you know you are a future man.

Ineptitudes Best Reward.\

gellaho

Lucas takes out a warp grenade

FancyShark

It's fine. Faces grow back.

Brendan

I don't know how many phaser guns I've seen in films and not one insta-sear plasma salamander making perfect steaks.

gellaho

Finn decides speed is the best way to deal with his stab wound

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Usually.

GDC

Nitro is time slang for PCP

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Tho usually you wanna take the speed BEFORE you get stabbed, so you can use your meth quickness to avoid getting stabbed in the first place.

FancyShark

Finn now sees red and proceeds to rip and tear...wait, no one's here

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Finn is such the main character

gellaho

Going a little long, but only twenty pages left so I'm finishing this

HeyitsTom

we purposefully gave lucas the wrong medicine, as a joke!

gellaho

From here on out, yes. Absolutely

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Really its just childrens aspirin crushed into saline.

HeyitsTom

wait lucas or finn, I forget

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Flucas.

gellaho

Time to learn about warp grenades

FancyShark

Linn

Simon, all grenades are miniature bombs

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

The next twenty pages are warp grenade instructions

gellaho

Spoiler alert: The consequences of the warp grenades won't be revealed for one and a half books

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Funnily enough the grenade still has a normal pin you pull to arm it.

HeyitsTom

oh like the tom swift book, where that black hole keeps coming back to troll everyone

FancyShark

hahahaha, I love that he eventually makes consequences

gellaho

Yes, I'm sure the guy who dropped one of the A-bombs had a lot to think about

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

🎵 Heeeee just flies the bomber, he never sees their eyes when the hell comes down! 🎵

FancyShark

ooooo. We had a bag of these in a D&D game once. Turns out having handheld nukes is not safe when in a castle

GDC

The boys in ordinance said that he would become death, destroyer of worlds, should be use this

gellaho

Meanwhile, Falcon tries to use a hostage against Finn, who is high as balls

HeyitsTom

shoot the hostage!

FancyShark

Finn snaps his own neck, just to show he means business

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

"Two can play at this game!" Finn says, pointing his gun at his own head.

gellaho

Hentzau decides to side with Finn, but unfortunately Finn passes out

GDC

You don't appreciate the sanctity of life when you're tripping balls on nitro

HeyitsTom

love that dialogue

"oh no! not now!"

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Oh you dingus, you couldnt not faint for like 30 more seconds?!

gellaho

Meanwhile, Lucas is fucked up

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Lucas just gave himself time cancer.

FancyShark

Lucas' seared flesh cracks open, revealing a curdled mouth.

"Pull PIN, throw GRENADE" it croaks.

gellaho

The thing I appreciate about Simon is that he's willing to have consequences. Also, just do whatever the fuck he wants

Brendan

This is the correct use of warp grenades.

gellaho

Not quite, but we'll see

After the Twenty Thousand Leagues book. In the Laurence of Arabia book

Drakov has no idea what a warp grenade is

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Pfft Falcon spent all that time pegging him and didnt even tell him about warp grenades.

FancyShark

"Actually, we train everyone to never use those grenades, but thank you for the compliment"

HeyitsTom

two compliments is enough Drakov

you're gushing now

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Anywayyyyyyy its time to GAS! THAT! SON!

gellaho

Apparently, Forrester is a Vulcan

gellaho

Not to be mistaken for a Vulvan

FancyShark

Fuck that bike book

gellaho

Thanks, Bicycling Through Space and Time

Then, Drakov turns off all defense systems

gellaho

Which I'm sure Lucas would have appreciated before he lost have his face

FancyShark

"THERE WAS AN OFF BUTTON?"

Brendan

Hawke slaps hard. All you other pulp writers get on his game.

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Forrester is the worst suicide bomber ever.

gellaho

Now for a father son knife fight

FancyShark

It's what replaces Catch in the future

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hell yeah.

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Set to Cats In The Cradle, a very sad song about a father and his time travelling bike son

gellaho

Come at the king, you best not miss

HeyitsTom

this is very gentlemanly

GDC

He's got knife proof abs

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hawke knows what the people want, shirtless knife fights.

HeyitsTom

forrester, the last thing you heard from one of your friends is that his head is falling off

gellaho

Meanwhile, Lucas tries to escape whilst missing an eye

Brendan

Does anyone else find disrobing in front of your chronically displaced son who intends to kill you in a duel so that you can remove your suicide failsafe but accidentally reveal your bricked bod totally erotic?

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Yeah but he's more of a 'friend' you know?

gellaho

Also, Falcon and Hentzau decide to duel

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Lucas is never eating bacon again.

gellaho

Feet balls

FancyShark

The fate of the deadliest assassin in history rests on the shoulders of a guy named Rupert

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hentzau kind of rules, its too bad Titty Satan is going to kill the shit out of him.

gellaho

Was true for Survivor

That's probably just a joke for me

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Ruperts are always where you wouldnt expect or welcome them.

gellaho

It's hard to kill your son? Tell me more!

gellaho

Forrester ain't doing too hot

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Forrester, stop having feelings, you're ruining the damn knife fight.

The Badgers in the Discords

He needs to tag in TV's Frank while he has the chance

gellaho

Drakov not doing too hot either

GDC

Using a scythe as a metaphor for a leg sweep is odd

Broom was right there

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Scythes are cooler.

gellaho

So Drakov runs away

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

"You can't make me you're not my real dad" energy

GDC

They're doing a reverse return of the jedi

gellaho

Luckily Simon comes from a time where references weren't everything

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Goddammit, theres no crying in knife fighting!

FancyShark

Forrester then honorably shoots his son in the back

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Sure wasted his time with that fuckin neurotoxin if he was going to have a knife fight that ends like a bad date,

gellaho

Falcon ain't doing well, which considering she's like seventy is understandable

gellaho

She runs to find Drakov, who fucks off

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Hahahahaha Rupert is like the fuckin Terminator.

Drakov you absolute cad, how could you leave Titty Satan in the lurch?

gellaho

The king shows up, Falcon throws her sword and runs

gellaho

Moses karate chops her in the throat

gellaho

FancyShark

Hardcore

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Throatchopjutsu

gellaho

Drakov encounters rats in the castle and flees

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Forrester, you wouldnt kill your own son, but you'll karate chop your fuckin ex? Man, that says some things about you.

FancyShark

Aw, rats

gellaho

Apparently, that throat chop killed her

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Yeah it happens, Ashida Kim did warn us about this.

HeyitsTom

I think a good smack on the throat can kill you but it takes awhile

Brendan

NOOOOOOOOO

gellaho

Hentzau gets to flee after all this

Brendan

Death is always more tragic when the person was attractive.

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

"He's dead, no one in Ruritania can swim......oh fuck, hes alive? Well..........fuck it."

gellaho

Well, Lucas and Andre are fucked up, but I guess they did it

gellaho

Also, Finn fucked Flavia at some point

FancyShark

"That wasn't sex"

gellaho

Guess I missed that, buy the book if you want details. Although there probably aren't many considering I missed it

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

And in like five years they all die.

FancyShark

Good ol' TB

gellaho

LIIIIIIPS

HeyitsTom

"don't worry there are no moral implications for this"

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

This is where Finn decides to kill time.

gellaho

Surplice?

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Oh like altar boys wear.

gellaho

The end, I guess

gellaho

Not much of an ending, but it's what you get

FancyShark

Mongoose's funeral was held in a school gymnasium. There were no guests

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Well its pretty hard to end things like this.

Best to just kind of grunt and walk away after giving it to us.

gellaho

We have defeated Time Wars #4: The Zenda Vendetta

HeyitsTom

"removed from the finger of a woman who had led many lives until she ran out of lives to live"

FancyShark

We did it!

HeyitsTom

trying to be poignant I guess

GDC

Well done, everyone!

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

We won the time wars!

FancyShark

Great riffing, everybody!

Thank you, @gellaho !

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

We saved... Something I think

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Huzzah, I genuinely cant wait to get Dracula up in the Time Wars.

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

Thanks @gellaho !

gellaho

Well, good news, the next book is where Simon officially decides "fuck it" and includes Jules Verne in his Tweny Thousand League book

Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage

Fuck yesssss

Andre and the gang are gonna fight a giant octopus, maybe, if we are all good.

gellaho

Anyway, until then, this concludes the 107th Edition of The Book Cage

Brendan

A strangely pensive end to the Time Commandos' adventure.

gellaho

May your MILFs always been fueled by revenge to kill your time fathers

HeyitsTom

yeah, bit of a limp noodle of an ending after all the plasma blasting and knife fighting

FancyShark

Have a good night, everyone! See you tomorrow for music videos and fight night!

HeyitsTom

goodnight you northern hemispherers

it's lunchtime here

Brendan

Goodnight, sweet Princes x2 who are also their own fathers. May a flight of redheads sing thee to thy warp grenade.

gellaho

Wonder if I should show The Dead of Night Movie again on Halloween

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

The one with Ed Begley Jr.?

gellaho

Nah, I wasn't able to afford him

MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO

I just found what you're talking about and based only on the thumbnail I would say yes

HeyitsTom

I don't know what that is but I'll watch it

The Badgers in the Discords

I would be so fucking down for watching Dead of Night again