Brendan
I thought women didn't evolve one until 1972, and then moved past needing it in the Frottage Wars of 2069.
107: Time Wars #4: The Zenda Vendetta Simon Hawke
#4 Time Wars
Tags:
The Year of Pain
Fourth in the new time travel adventure series!
Archive
GDC
The clitoris is now fictional because of the time wars.
FancyShark
It does, but the female orgasm is still in the alpha build
shaqtoberfest jakesy
It's as real now as it was then
In that it's not
HeyitsTom
you posted that question and immediately the bottom of the discord changed to "several people are typing..." the timing was very funny
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Explains why Drakov cant find it.
GDC
Plastiskin is no nyskin.
HeyitsTom
https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Plasteel
gellaho
Finn conspires to fuck Flavia
GDC
Regardless, ny- is the superior prefix.
FancyShark
"Make love? Hell no. I said dick down."
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"You realize you're not supposed to actually like.....physically make love to her, right? Right, weird foreign dude?"
gellaho
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plasteel
HeyitsTom
I certainly didn't realize that
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Gurgel lol
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"No, hold up, we need to make this clear that we just want you to like.......be nice and romantic to her in public and explicitly NOT have carnal knowledge of the kings wife."
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"You're using 'make love' in our timey definition, meaning to converse with a potential romantic partner, because we are old timey, right?"
"Sure."
FancyShark
With how often Finn gets laid, it's possible the time agency only exists to send his dick to key people in history
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"For the love of GOD man, buckle your belt back up!"
shaqtoberfest jakesy
If only he were just a spanko, we wouldn't have to worry about all these paradox babies
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
What a haunting combination of words
HeyitsTom
unless he is that rumored beast known as The Switch
gellaho
In the middle of this, Finn may have also fallen in love with an old man
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
That'll happen with time travel.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Normal soldiers romance, happens all the time.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
The dongue wants what the dongue wants
FancyShark
And thus did Hawke invent slashfic
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
One minute you set out to kill Hitler, the next, well, you're elbow deep in Einstein
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Either way, you had to be in Germany
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
And regretting signing Einsteins homemade prenup where you cant talk to him.
gellaho
Drakov calls Simon on his bullshit
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
C'est la vie. Or as Einstein said, gutentag
gellaho
Dracula will show up in the eighth book, along with Sherlock Holmes, who has been mentioned twice in this book
shaqtoberfest jakesy
Unlike Dracula though, Dracov just sucks
HeyitsTom
I did clock a reference to the Strand magazine at the start
FancyShark
<snort> Um, Dracula was the monster
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Good old Dracula, you never go wrong with a Dracula.
gellaho
We get a lot about Drakov's backstory, which is unimportant. Except when he meets Falcon
Brendan
How many books titled Dracula's Monster are on Amazon right now?
GDC
And how many of them are smut?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"penetrating his defences" is code for "she done pegged him."
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"A truth not even he himself knew." That he couldn't fuck for shit
gellaho
And how many tall men tall are they?
GDC
Metric or imperial?
FancyShark
Couldn't find any with the title, but
HeyitsTom
Cuckolded by Dracula
https://www.amazon.com/Cuckolded-Dracula-Monster-Cuckolds-Book-ebook/dp/B0BHZVGZD1/ref=sr_1_9?crid=114B1QZCF63ZZ&keywords=dracula's+monster&qid=1697845028&sprefix=dracula's+monster%2Caps%2C303&sr=8-9
GDC
The Nut Of The Vampire
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Isn't that just the original?
HeyitsTom
haha look at the guy they chose for the cover art
HeyitsTom
that's supposed to be dracula AND the guy fucking your wife
looks like the 2nd friend from Kick Ass
Brendan
Dracula, the king bull from the Continent.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
He does looks like a guy who would say 'i'm going to sell pictures of myself in a dracula cape on shutterstock, in case anyone wants a piece of this'
HeyitsTom
very true
gellaho
Falcon is fucking one of Michael's henchmen, which might come up. I honestly don't remember
FancyShark
LIIIIIIIIIIPS
GDC
"Hang Michael!"
"Trust me, he's already hung."
HeyitsTom
yeah, that dumb old guy didn't know the difference between a saber and a foil
what a loser right guys
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Exactly
Unlike us cool guys who know
FancyShark
R-right
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
That a saber is a slashing weapon with a singular cutting edge
HeyitsTom
whereas a foil will keep chicken fresh in the fridge
gellaho
Apparently her plan is the equivalent of the atomic bomb
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Where as a foil is much thinner and is blunt at both the edge and the tip
gellaho
Maybe that's how they do it in Ruritania
HeyitsTom
oh I forgot about the silly place name
FancyShark
"She would let him live with the knowledge he had killed his own son. Either way, he would die."
HeyitsTom
living is the truest death of all
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Her plan is the inexorable march of death
This is a worse plan than the dim-mak
gellaho
Later, Finn engages in some uncomfortable foreplay
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
I feel like a dude who rescued Mussolini and got a medal from Otto Skorzeny isnt going to care that he killed his illegal time spawn.
FancyShark
"Sure is weird how kings marry children, isn't it? This doing anything for ya?"
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"You look like youre not too old, very breedable." isnt the compliment Finn thinks it is.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"I had wondered if you had come to speak of potential child brides."
gellaho
Like you wouldn't accept a medal from Genghis Khan
HeyitsTom
was that flirting?
or was he failing at something else?
FancyShark
It can be both
gellaho
Flavia notices that he's taller
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Yeah because Ghengis Khan got mad pussy and smashing the Jurchen empire is cool.
FancyShark
"Yeah, but I totally plateaued on the quads, brah"
HeyitsTom
I like that this woman is completely immune to his lame attempt at gaslighting
GDC
'no baby I swear I didn't grow up in a time of caloric over abundance'
gellaho
Later, Finn laments the lack of regal cheeseburgers
FancyShark
To cheer himself up, Finn ordered a peasant's house burned
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Find didn't realize that he could absolutely get ground beef and a frying pan
gellaho
Simon Hawke takes a second to shit on the British Monarchy
gellaho
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Bro its not like you're in the fuckin Danelaw, youre in the 1800s The burger was invented in 1880, my dude.
HeyitsTom
and it also occurs to me that SURELY they had beer
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Late 1880s? Probably more beer than drinking water
HeyitsTom
wow real hot take on the royals
never heard such insight before
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
And like really good beer. Secret recipe made by monks beer
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Also, the British royals do plenty, like siphon money from the public, own land and wealth, and influence laws illegally, SIMON.
Brendan
I have some terrible news about that.
Brendan
In Ruritania they're called Royales Avec Fromage.
HeyitsTom
made by monks who live ion nothing but beer while they're fasting
Brendan
GOOD.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
The Song dynasty sucked anyway.
HeyitsTom
you know they put their entire soul into that recipe
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Damn right they did, in that part of europe it was a way of showing devotion to god
Literally the best time and possibly best place for beer
HeyitsTom
we're really nailing Hawke to the wall on this one
he's gonna be finished in this business
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Finn is used to fuckin moon beer or whatever.
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
It's such a stupid omission
gellaho
After the dinner, Michael has a strong reaction to Falcon verbally tussling with Finn
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
If you spend like 5 seconds looking into the history of Austria of this time you learn about beer
FancyShark
Finn realizes his mistake, orders a Bud American Ale, and is executed
HeyitsTom
haha yeah it's a pretty silly mistake
@gellaho do you ever get surprised by which parts of the story we fixate on?
FancyShark
Michael probably not going to be a good guy at this point
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
I was really pinning my hopes on him
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
No wonder Mike isnt king, he doesnt know how to treat a lady.
gellaho
Never!
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
And bud, if you wanna whip sluts, that's fine. You just have to ask, and maybe find the right slut.
HeyitsTom
oh Michael went full Billy Zane
GDC
Sophia is anything but a common slut
FancyShark
gellaho
Sometimes. For example, when we read a book about terribly horny teenage superheroes and people thought it was religious because demons were in it
But most of the time I'm busy, you know, reading
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
A what about what?
HeyitsTom
man I wish I'd joined the discord sooner
gellaho
Meanwhile, here's Simon Hawke and George RR Martin
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Never give up the hat style, George
HeyitsTom
oh really? ha that's cool
gellaho
Simon carried George down a mountain and saved his life
gellaho
Based on the torture thing earlier, you'd think she'd be into it
But, instead she beats his ass
FancyShark
hahaha, holy shit, she destroyed him
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
hahahahah get wrecked, dipshit.
HeyitsTom
I've forgotten who Michael is
but yeah he got owned
gellaho
Meanwhile, the other main characters are working on saving the king
FancyShark
You dopes. It's "God Save the King", not "Time Cops Save the King"
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Oh right the king
gellaho
Also, nysteel
FancyShark
Admittedly, the time cops version would whip ass
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Timecop could use more sequels.....
gellaho
The Australian crawl and have your balls fall off
FancyShark
Must be future slang
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
You could just bring a cannon and blow a hole in the wall.
HeyitsTom
I don't know what the fuck the australian crawl is
GDC
Australian crawl is slang for tea bagging an orb weaver nest
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
They call that a "goodonya" down there
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Like......its a castle, cannons are kind of the castles natural predator.
gellaho
Microorganism fisherman
HeyitsTom
it's just a type of front-crawl swim apparently
shockingly, we don't call it that
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Someone goes rowing in a moat when they have a secret escape route that leads from the dungeons to the moat to the river, duuuuuuuuuh
gellaho
As Americans, we have the right to forget Australia exists
They aren't our criminals, after all
HeyitsTom
ok wait so these guys are suspicious of future weapons in the air and genetically engineered death organisms in the water, but the boat should be perfectly safe?
gellaho
Andre decides to steal a child's boat
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
No one's ever been betrayed by a boat
OH NO BOAT BETRAYAL
FancyShark
BOATRAYAL
HeyitsTom
I'm just saying if I was using the technology of the future to put flesh eating bacteria in a castle moat, I'd make it work on wood as well
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
hahahaha Andre cant be the lightest by that much, she's tall and burly enough to fight in hand to hand combat.
HeyitsTom
this waif here?
gellaho
I think you've forgotten how small her breasts are
I understand, this is the first time Simon hasn't mentioned it
Anyway, she lasers a hole and eavesdrops on Detchard
gellaho
Detchard feels like a slur that's yet to be invented
HeyitsTom
she just put her hand in the water
that's the whole thing they're avoiding
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Its what Ruritanians call people from the southern city of Townburg.
HeyitsTom
I said the same thing about spanko
FancyShark
"Behold your path to heaven" is too clunky to ever work as a threat
gellaho
Andre considers about how she would quickly dispose of a king
FancyShark
She's inventing those "Save the King" mobile games centuries before their time
gellaho
Unfortunately, she didn't notice the guy on the balcony
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
The king is being a real wuss, blubbing in his dungeon.
Cmon Andre, this castle shit is supposed to be your wheelhouse.
gellaho
And she, like Raven before her, has been penetrated by nysteel
HeyitsTom
oh that's unkind
gellaho
Just kidding, of course Steele had a human penis capable of fathering children
And that's a joke for everyone that was here for Steele
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Damn, it takes some power to harpoon a person, reel them in AND not have the barb tear out during what has to be quite a distance.
gellaho
So Lucas not feeling great about how it's going
HeyitsTom
luckily she is a tiny petite slip of a girl
FancyShark
Forrester's bedside manner needs work
Brendan
God, this is such smooth sailing in light of recent books.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Also how did you goobers not have a rifle on the turret already?
Brendan
Hawke remains king.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Like you were supposed to probably provide like cover or something?
HeyitsTom
yeah this is silly, but it's a breeze compared to the book cages I've seen so far
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Sometimes the turret is just to set a mood
gellaho
Lucas then tells Forrester he's a coward for not killing his son
FancyShark
That escalated fast
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Yeah but you have too much bitch in you to kill your son, Major Dissapointment As A Father.
gellaho
Hawke is the Patron Saint, John Jakes is King
It should probably be the opposite because John Jakes is dead, but that's what I decided
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Forrester joins the Dads Who Should Have club with dads like G Gordon Liddys dad, and Stalin's dad.
FancyShark
And the papa bear of the Charmin family
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Its a big club.
FancyShark
HE KNOWS WHY
gellaho
What's beyond tough love? Rough love?
FancyShark
Now I'm picturing Lucas as Oliver Hardy going "Another fine mess your penis has gotten us in"
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
"Just like that time you rescued Mussolini."
gellaho
Anyway, Hentzau is really into Falcon beating that guy to a pulp
FancyShark
Who wouldn't be?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
We all stan a fighting queen.
Brendan
What year is this?
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
If she wasnt trying to like.......unmake reality shed be pretty cool.
1890something
HeyitsTom
she may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, etc etc
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
1891
Dracula is in 6 years
gellaho
Falcon has assumed the tough girl person, one of Simon's types
Brendan
Reality has it coming.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Enough time for Finn to have gotten a burger if he wasnt a dipshit.
gellaho
Then she manages to open up both that guy's cheeks
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
It does but reality is where all my stuff is, and I like my stuff.
FancyShark
"You know how I got these scars? Because it was fucking awesome"
gellaho
The book is 1985, or 5BS, aka Before Steele
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
2023, and we arent happy about it.
gellaho
Bersonin tries to give up, to no avail
FancyShark
Hell. Yes.
GDC
Such a baller finishing move.
gellaho
Oh, Simon, you spoil me
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
"Oh no, you've killed me." he said
GDC
Big tiddy Satan
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Satan does sometimes have some sweet titties.
Ive read Devilman before.
Brendan
Short shrift to actual Satan's rocking tits, boo.
shaqtoberfest jakesy
The ultimate big titty goth gf
FancyShark
Hentzau is zeroed in on them thangs
gellaho
Meanwhile, Finn successfully courts Flavia
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Oh right Finn exists
Brendan
Kinda sweet.
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Flavia Flav is gonna be so confused when her husband goes back to ignoring her in like a week.
FancyShark
"You really seem like a different person. You burst into tears whenever you glance at Hamburg on the map"
gellaho
Andre meets Drakov
FancyShark
Wait, when did Byron live? How would Cross know what Byronic was?
gellaho
She has a psychocybernetic implant that gave her centuries of information, don't worry about it
HeyitsTom
also the tardis is translating
Brendan
Yeah, but not as confused as realizing she's in love with her rapist by deception.
gellaho
Drakov tries the "we aren't so different, you and I," but and Andre tells him to fuck off
FancyShark
Andre continues to rule
gellaho
Wakka wakka
HeyitsTom
"murderer, guy who tries to stop a murderer, there's no difference!"
FancyShark
Not "know" in the biblical sense, right?
Right?
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Answering that would kill the suspense
FancyShark
She's right that he is an actual bastard
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Forrester IS burly.
gellaho
This isn't a Borodini situation, no
Meanwhile, here comes the ostensible main character Lucas Priest
MUCH MORE PENETRATION VELO
Who
FancyShark
haha, wait, since when?
gellaho
Who, in Simon Hawke fashion, has gotten about fifteen pages in this book
Brendan
My heart is bound in a web of nysteel.
gellaho
He was in the first book, then Simon got bored
It's what happens in every non-Steele series
FancyShark
That is so Simon
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Lucas is the MC? For the life of me I thought it was Finn, he gets all the hot ladies.
gellaho
Finn definitely became the main character in book three, Andre was in Book 2
Usually it takes at least three books, but Lucas Priest is barely a character
FancyShark
I appreciate how Hawke agrees that the main character is always the least interesting in an ensemble
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Andre could stand to be the main character more tbh
gellaho
If you couldn't tell from his name
It might as well be Judas Priest
gellaho
Meanwhile, Forrester teleports in to meet his son with a gas suicide vest
FancyShark
Lacks the quiet dignity of the fart cannon
HeyitsTom
oh his plan is to get the villain monologing
FancyShark
That's a joke to get you all to listen to the Hardy Boys audiobooks you haven't heard yet
Brendan
/giphy lucas lid off
gellaho
Falcon kills a bunch of rats
Puppet Partisan FlippantSausage
Suicide gassing your son is a pretty Shakespearean way to resolve conflicts.
Brendan
da fuq I don't have giphy anymore
gellaho
The only Book Cage I've done while watching a football game with my dad
gellaho
Most people don't know he invented mustard gas
FancyShark
The Tempest was weird
Brendan
Really not looking forward to this deployment next week.