10: Psi-Man: Mind-Force Warrior David Peters

#1 Psi-Man

Tags:
First in the electrifying new series! He's the most hunted man on Earth - And the most dangerous

Archive

gellaho

:rotating_light: BOOK CAGE SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT :rotating_light:

Lanch Torgo

icy spicy jakesy

Let’s fucking go!

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

prophetic

gellaho

This Psi-Man Day we will be reading David Peters'/Peter David's seminal work PSI-MAN. Meet Simon: the Mind-Force Warrior on Monday (3/22), 5pm Eastern!

@Brockway can I get a pin for this holiday we will celebrate forever more?

gellaho

As it was foretold

Brockway

For that confident handshake? Hell yeah

gellaho

I have been waiting for this for a while

Lanch Torgo

yeah, if I was interviewing PSI-MAN for a job, he'd be hired

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

are we taking a bye week on the book cage?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Special Monday Prophecy edition

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Video announcement!

Good, I was gardening and the sun tricked me into missing 5pm

back to editing The Wacky Adventures of Colt Blacke, Robotman

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Oh I didnt know you were an elderly lesbian Brendan

gellaho

Psi-Man compels me to read on Monday

gellaho

Happy Psi-Man Day Everyone! I hope you are ready for the festivities to begin tonight at 5pm eastern. We will be introduced to Chuck Simon the Psi-Man in just under two hours.

gellaho
Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Murder by Mind Force

Harvey Penguini 🐧

always laughing at the Disneyland Cast Member point

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I assume the dog's face is crooked because the artist wanted him to look the same direction as good ol' Chuck, but he only had one reference photo.

GnomePickles

I chose to believe that the dog is the psi-man. He just uses hypnotic powers to make people think he is a dog to avoid charges for his long list of crimes.

gellaho

The dog has a very unfortunate name

GnomePickles

I am afraid to ask, but I have never needed a piece of information more.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I'm so happy to finally follow one of these live

gellaho

GnomePickles

In one paragraph I have so many questions. Most of them are just variations of, "fucking what and why?"

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Wow this is some great writing

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Wait he is named Rommel because he has an SS pattern on his fur?

gellaho

I guess so

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Wait is this book going to have secret nazi shit?

Oh god I'm so nervous now

GnomePickles

The psychics they run into quickly refuse to read the dogs mind becuase it's all just Hitler speaches.

JCantrell, Alpacaman

The dog insists he's just worried about his heritage and culture, and prefers the term "alt right"

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I can't think of anything more on the nose than naming a German Shepherd with SS fur after a Nazi war criminal. It's like I just watched the concept of metaphors die.

gellaho

Oh, the 7th Steele book killed that for me

GDC

Or is this just the sort of thing where a wizard put the ghost of hitler into a german shepherd body?

GnomePickles

I keep starting jokes and they just start killing the bit of my soul that still feels jou

Joy*

JCantrell, Alpacaman

That dog is definitely a huge gamer, all I'm gonna say

icy spicy jakesy

Wait til you meet his cook, Pole Pot, named after the giant cauldrons in which he makes his stews

gellaho

This is excellent, no notes

GnomePickles

If I may be Franko, that was pretty darn good.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Can you imagine how indecipherable today's equivalent would be to someone from even 5 years ago? "MyPillow Q. Trump waited outside the pizza restaurant. He felt chills knowing the Jews were drinking babies' terror blood, but knew he was the only one who could stop it."

PowerThrills

That reads like an Alt-Right "Ready Player 1/2"

But better written

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Damning with faint praise there. I don't know whether to thank you or kick your ass.

gellaho

David Peters is apparently a pseudonym of Peter David, a guy who wrote comic books people like. See this alternative (worse) cover

icy spicy jakesy

I’m already suspecting between the Rommel thing and the pen name, Peter is not an Ideas Guy

gellaho

Under one hour 'til Simon says die

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Great pen name

Scum F**k Flamefish

thought it was piss man for a second

ProseAndKahn

Ready Player 1/2 is the prequel Cline will write when he needs money

icy spicy jakesy

Oh no

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I think there's just a list of dudes I genuinely hate that have come up, zach snyder, ernest cline and this discord taught me how much I hate brooke mceldowney and simon hawke

icy spicy jakesy

If anything this discord has made me love Simon Hawke

But I agree on the others

Like would a non-badass writer be able to put this out?

PowerThrills

I was going to say "So expect it soon," but he's depressingly successful.

gellaho

Jagged Steele is a masterpiece

gellaho

I'd wait until you read Cold Steele

icy spicy jakesy

I’m dreading it now, I think I blew my proverbial Hawke wad when I went for the good book first

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

WTF is "mental force"? I'm assuming it will in no way be satisfyingly explained in the book.

gellaho

I'm assuming vague psychic powers

JCantrell, Alpacaman

What's to explain, it's force your mind makes

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

MIND BULLETS

JCantrell, Alpacaman

What In there is frustratingly vague or stupid sounding?

gellaho

OK, JB

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It's unclear from the excerpt if his mind powers telekinetically move him or compel the other person's mind to do what he wants.

I assume it does both depending on what the plot requires.

gellaho

He controls the dog, I think

icy spicy jakesy

Yeah I’m going to guess this is one of those powers that change based on how the plot is moving forward

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Shit, he's stuck with no escape..umm, he can psychically go into the internet! Good save David/Peter.

JCantrell, Alpacaman

See I don't have an issue with piers being left a bit vague because a series of tedious rules for magic devices bore me, on the other hand some limits might make the stakes more clear

GnomePickles

As long as the rules are consistent and the author pays attention to how their world works

gellaho

The first half takes place on October 12, 2021. And the second half (of course) takes place today

icy spicy jakesy

It feels like there’s going to be a lot of “and X happens because it’s psychic magic, fuck you”

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

wait

icy spicy jakesy

Which is fine for a book like this

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

why does the second half happen before the first

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I mean I come down hard on excessive lore building and rules but I don't feel like restarting that argument today

gellaho

Excellent question

I guess the last 10 pages are October 13th

icy spicy jakesy

Heh, look at Javo here thinking things like the linear passage of time mean anything to PSI-MAN

GnomePickles

His powers allow him to journey through time, hoping to one day come across a period where naming his dog Rommel doesn't cause people to great him with an ass kicking.

gellaho

Wtf is a cover art consultant

GnomePickles

A way for a vanity publishing house to charge an extra 49.99 would be my guess

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I agree. I'd much rather the answer be "the writer kinda sucks" than some complicated retcon. But I do think a basic framework has to be established, even if the intention is for it to be broken later.

ProseAndKahn

More research went into the cover art than the rest of the book combined

GnomePickles

Now see we have to make him into an orange cloud cause orange is really in with the fans of telepathic murder and Nazi dogs

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Yeah I tend not to like grasping at internal explainations for bad writing. My go to explainations is "the writer sucks" for dumb shit or mistakes

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Someone got screwed over there. "German shepherds have glowing yellow eyes with no pupils, right?" "Yes, that'll be $1,000."

icy spicy jakesy

Maybe the self defense consultant drew the dog and the canine consultant drew Psi-man

gellaho

Simon's using his psychic skills to control the Nazi dog

icy spicy jakesy

Mix it up a little bit

Keep em guessing

ProseAndKahn

To be fair, if someone asked me to consult on a book cover about a psychic nazi dog I’d probably demand $1000 too

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

There is no dog. Simon put it into all our minds.

ProseAndKahn

Like, maybe the consultants were just fucking with him?

Also, why does the unstoppable psychic killer need martial arts

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

I love everything about this

gellaho

I need to remember that his name is Chuck Simon. So when he does the "Simon says" thing, he's referring to himself in the third person by last name

Which is a very normal thing for people to do

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

When was this written? Because if it's anytime after 1985, a Simon Says reference is dad-joke level anachronistic.

gellaho

October 1990

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Its not Simon Says

Its PSY MAN SAYS

ProseAndKahn

Oh fuck

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

oh fuck him and his cute wordplay

ProseAndKahn

It’s dad jokes all the way down

icy spicy jakesy

There are going to be so many stupidly named things in this universe, I can feel it

Should we take bets on what the mob guys last name is going to be?

I have money on Tony Gambini, Tony Corleone, or Tony Soprano (if by some accident he’s actually a psychic)

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Coppola or Pacino since it seems like he's that kind of hack

gellaho

I forgot that I usually do these, so here's your hastily thrown together READ poster

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

that works

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Rad

Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak

oh how cute, @Lanch Torgo got his own poster

psi-man right? the thing we think is likely written by Peter David due to a lazy pseudonym?

gellaho

This alternate cover confirms it

Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak

it's at least going to be entertaining

Peter David's a pretty good writer

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

The problem with Peter David as a psuedonym is now I forget which one is the real one

Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak

Peter David is his real name insofar as I know, or at least it's the name he uses the most

icy spicy jakesy

“Psi-man moistened his lips psychically”

Nailed it

gellaho

My problem is that there are now too many Simons for me to keep track

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

you need a simple simon

gellaho

JCantrell, Alpacaman

To say what you've done

when I was just nine years old I swear that I dreamt

gellaho

Alright, starting at the circus. Peter was optimistic about the future of traveling circuses

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Big in 2021: traveling circuses

Lanch Torgo

weren't travelling circuses all but extinct when this was written?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

If they weren't dead, they damn sure didn't go to small towns anymore.

icy spicy jakesy

Oh man if you thought Hawke loved his commas, it looks like Peter took that personally

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

imagine being given the opportunity to imagine the world 30s year in the future and he goes with "traveling circuses"

icy spicy jakesy

These recent future books that imagine today’s world in like 1990 are inadvertently hilarious when they do things like forget that cell phones exist

gellaho

What do you mean, "apparently in his late twenties"

You're the author

icy spicy jakesy

The gift of a profound breaking you say

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Just the most generic-ass handsome man description you can imagine.

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Goddamn hipsters brought them back like record players

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

a blonde dudes who grows a natural jet black beard

gellaho

This nerd with his five head

icy spicy jakesy

Psychic guy has big head, news at 11

gellaho

not seeing it

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Why is his forehead shiny? If you're self-conscious of your noggin, don't fucking polish it.

icy spicy jakesy

That’s what happens when you get dog experts to draw your psi people

Dr. W. Sanguine, PhD PhD

mine's shiny and i don't polish it

some bitches just greasy

gellaho

He's got a lady friend. I'm sure things will go well for her

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Chuck McPsychic never fucks without commitmment

gellaho

Harry the lion tamer wants a sex bet

Chuck Simon uses his psychic power to help her cheat at the hand

icy spicy jakesy

Love that future bitches still dress like extras in Saved by the Bell

gellaho

He lets a girl scout win a prize at the carnival booth he runs using his psychic powers. Which is supposed to make me like him, I think, but he named his dog Rommel

Dr. Mithras

Oh yeah. Do they say why?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

he has an SS mark on his head

icy spicy jakesy

There’s definitely going to be some throwaway line about it like “say what you want about Rommel but he was a good military strategist!”

gellaho

A dog that goes straight to murder and sass

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Oh shit. Talking dog best friend. I will have no more snark.

Lanch Torgo

"Aww, what a cute dog!"

"I crave the blood of the corrupt!"

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

oh my god

the dog talks

the dog talks people

GDC

talking murder dog!

icy spicy jakesy

Did he...choose his own name then?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

That’s just what I was wondering

gellaho

OK, this is hilarious

something had changed in the lion tamer/lion relationship

icy spicy jakesy

Lol amazing

Like if you had a corporate consultant in charge of your circus. That’s what they would call it

gellaho

Psychic lockpicking

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I AM ARRIVED synopsize in one sentence the wonders of the Psi-Man

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

If its already established he can mind link with animals why not just calm down the lion

icy spicy jakesy

Man with Nazi dog hangs out at the circus in 2021. So far

gellaho

I guess he can't communicate with the Lions. But he can throw them

Lanch Torgo

something huge and ugly

gellaho

I think you lost your cover, Chuck

Lanch Torgo

how many more lion/lion tamer relationships will Frankenstein's monster ruin?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Also doubles as a recurring political headline.

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

wait

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

What good is psi power if you need to do grand gestures?

gellaho

He also had force jump

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

he can use his psychic powers to have super strength?

Thats lazy

even for him

gellaho

somebody keeping track of these powers?

icy spicy jakesy

I’m going to guess they’ll completely change based on the situation

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I think he just added a few hundred pounds of pull to the lat row he was doing so he didn't hemorrhage

Lanch Torgo

Psi-Man is a Jedi, got it

gellaho

I guess the dog can speak lion

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Two pages in and I am already so fucking on board

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The dog ALSO has psi powers

Lanch Torgo

oh shit, the lions are Jewish

gellaho

Hey, Chuck, I think you lost plausibility when you used your mind to throw lions and jump twenty feet

gellaho

Everything is huge and ugly

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

somewhat chewed

only marginally masticated

a little whiff of the nibbles

Lanch Torgo

it's just a little love bite

gellaho

Dog Detective Rommel

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

...The dog talks like a grizzled detective?

gellaho

Time to go back to September

You guys remember September?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I was riding high that week.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I like the implicit judgment of Dakota for assuming a man would speak to her rather than his dog

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Making money, eating cake, freshly back from the beach.

I didn't even tell any dogs I was going, just shut off my psi-powers

Lanch Torgo

I wonder if Psi-Man remembers the 21st night of September

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

Oh E Oh... Tell me do you remember... Oh E Oh Getting Powers in September Oh E Oh... Then we met a talking dog...

gellaho

What

Lanch Torgo

"That's weird, I don't usually wake up in bed when I get blackout drunk"

Dr. Mithras

My favourite part so far is when he pulled a lion's tail, using psi power augmentation

gellaho

The wacky hijinks of Psi-Man

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Fun fact, Chuck Simon is actually protagonist Simon Chuck existing under a pseudonym.

Dr. Mithras

Is he a teacher?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The lesson is PAIN.

icy spicy jakesy

It’s either school or work, psi man

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

POP QUIZ: Defend yourself!

Dr. Mithras

He irons his shirts with his mind.

gellaho

Well, you got one thing right Pete

gellaho

Chuck's shower is sick and needs pills

Dr. Mithras

Is that a calcium thing?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He needs the help of a pyrokinetic though.

Dr. Mithras

Do you think his dog is the actual reincarnation of Rommel

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Most likely yeah

Dr. Mithras

No dont

Leave it as it is.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Rommel you sonofabitch--oh I guess you are.

Dr. Mithras

I had to Google how Rommel died.

gellaho

Does this anti-pollution device create carbon monoxide?

Dr. Mithras

World building.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Probably a capture filter like clean coal uses

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

So once again we have a Simon-esque apocalpyse in which the world is collapsing and yet also pretty ok and there are traveling circuses

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Nothing would break my worldview more than to find out Hawke = Peter David

Dr. Mithras

Wait, is there supposed to be an apocalypse

icy spicy jakesy

Is there even a supposed apocalypse? Or is the world just shitty

icy spicy jakesy

This was my first thought but I think we may have actually avoided that. For instance, I have no idea who’s lips are moist

Dr. Mithras

Let's ask the real question, is there a large black man with a cartoon waist?

gellaho

Chuck's a pollution narc

Dr. Mithras

What is this anti anti pollution big government bullshit.

gellaho

Hey look, a new Higgins

gellaho

"pacificts" - solid copy editing

icy spicy jakesy

Hog Higgins, menace of the Quakers

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Oh to live in the apocalypse where the government rushes to imperfect solutions for pollution.

icy spicy jakesy

He just really loves the ocean; a pacificst

Dr. Mithras

He's a psychic football coach?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

No no no, Pacific Saints are an integral part of this world.

Dr. Mithras

buh

They didn't make him a fucking crime fighter?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Educating our youth prevents more crimes than Batman stops in a year.

gellaho

RIP Seattle

icy spicy jakesy

The pay for a football coach is much better

Oh shit there is an apocalypse

Dr. Mithras

Ooh this is such Hawke bullshit. Were they roommates

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I don't like this apocalypse, please bring back the bio-mutants

icy spicy jakesy

But it’s just like, crumbling infrastructure and global warming

The most boring apocalypse possible

Dr. Mithras

Where is this set?

gellaho

How do you write something like this without realizing how ridiculous it is

icy spicy jakesy

Hahahaha

gellaho

Right now, we are in LeQuier, Ohio

Dr. Mithras

Aren't Quaker pacifist and Amish just technophobe?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Shaker, that's your sweet spot in the middle to aim for.

Dr. Mithras

Big ash cloud.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The ash from Seattle this summer hazed NYC so thoroughly I could stare into the sun no problem.

Dr. Mithras

Fair enough.

gellaho

What am I supposed to be feeling from this?

Am I supposed to be like, "Oh hell yeah, environmentalism"

Dr. Mithras

Oh yeah Psi man Jujitsu holds

gellaho

This has strong Captain Planet energy

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Why didn't he just psychically massage the driver's dick until the guy was extremely uncomfortable assaulting anyone?

Why is pain always the first choice of madmen?

Who writes the rules that say we serve tea to our loved ones?

gellaho

Aikido!

Dr. Mithras

I've just realised I would just be constantly psychically masturbating

gellaho

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Thank you for listening to these lyrics to my anime theme song about two giant robots.

Dr. Mithras

Hang on, is Rommel psychic or is Psi man insane?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Steven Seagal absolutely has half a script called CHI-MAN crumpled under his left tit.

Dr. Mithras

The man of Chai Tea

gellaho

God, save me from this flirting

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Linda strolled attractively.

Dr. Mithras

Oh fuck this. Fuck this writing. I know we read it because it's bad, but fuck them and they're godawful who cares bullshit. Just 4 million pages of flirting with made up fantasy women then an act of justified violence

gellaho

Did pages from a different book get tossed in here

icy spicy jakesy

God forbid her skin is browner than you remember

Did Rommel tell you to say that

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Introduce me to the woman who can make a denim skirt swish while she strolls slowly, please.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

“I was so cool in high school. If I went back as a teacher I’d be welcomed like a returning hero.”

Dr. Mithras

"Rommel! Rommel! Rommel!"

Context is key here

gellaho

Oh, good. He's a "fun" teacher

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Those kids are dumb because there's lead in the air, you insensitive psi-creep.

icy spicy jakesy

“Simon turned his chair backwards to ‘rap’ with his students. Moistening his lips, he began”

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I miss anything fun?

It seems very steele, is it very steele?

icy spicy jakesy

Steele somehow is more well-written

gellaho

The sun is a mystery

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

It is rather Steele. But the lips...

Dr. Mithras

Yes but more vanilla so far. Except for the lions

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It definitely has the same confused politics as Steele. Global warming is bad but apparently any efforts to fix it is also bad.

gellaho

Psi-Man and his dog fought some lions. That was pretty fun

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Do these people live outside the Matrix or something?

Dr. Mithras

Has the explosion is Seattle darkened the whole global sky then for years or what

gellaho

Chapter 2 was a waste of time, which seems par for the course

Dr. Mithras

Which one was that

gellaho

This last part, with the bus fight and homeroom

Chapter 3 is only three pages long though

Dr. Mithras

Oh god he gave a whole chapter to that?

icy spicy jakesy

This guys thing seems to be foreheads

gellaho

Mr Quint

JCantrell, Alpacaman

If pulp sci fi writers knew what was up they wouldn't be pulp sci fi writers

Dr. Mithras

If Psi man and Rommel are the good guys is the dick in the tweed coat and blue sunglasses the villain?

gellaho

You have now read Chapter 3

Congrats

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Page 42. At this rate, there’s no way he can fit in the actual plot.

gellaho

Chapter 4: lunch

Dr. Mithras

If Psi man comes here, waste his time. Brush him off. Serve him cold coffee and tell him statistically He's wasting his time. You know, police work.

icy spicy jakesy

Has everyone forgotten that the psi man can read minds

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I'm a football coach, but by night I'm a lion-wrestling psychic crimefighter with a talking dog.

gellaho

Psi-Man is going to teach history! Why do I care!

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I don’t think he’s Psi-man yet. We still need his origin story before the action can start.

Dr. Mithras

Can he, he seems to have skipped that and gone straight to telekinetically throwing apex predators around

icy spicy jakesy

I’m going to assume he can read minds

But you’re right, I guess they don’t explicitly say that yet

gellaho

There's a kid name Zack Jordan who isn't coming to school, I'm assuming that will be important

icy spicy jakesy

But also so far all his powers point to him being like Physical Man

Maybe they spelled it wrong and he’s supposed to be Phys Man

gellaho

I already know he's a psychic, why are you doing this

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

He implanted all his psychic powers to the dog so he could have super strength, and oh shit I like my story better.

Dr. Mithras

I knew a kid called Ahmed Zaman. He came back to school having legally changed his Name to Zaman Ahmed. To this day I'm convincrd he did it because we queued for dinner in alphabetical order. There was never any desert left for him

PowerThrills

Does Psi-man deliver the baby? Psy... psichically?

gellaho

Ex-wife, who cares

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Is he hiding his psychic powers while also bragging about how he aced the psychic tests?

gellaho

You can't start the book with him in a traveling circus, expecting me to care about his past domestic life

Dr. Mithras

I cannot tell this isn't Simon Hawke.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Dude can read her mind and still lets her throw herself at him despite the frustration he can read it causing her.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Talking murder dog! But first, high school bullshit.

gellaho

Fuck you, constitution

PowerThrills

"Now I've been POLITELY interested in you, so stop embarrassing yourself. Despite your obvious disinterest."

icy spicy jakesy

Lol people were mad but then like, whatever dude let’s go to the circus

Dr. Mithras

High school Football rules!

gellaho

I think you might be adding too many elements, Peter

gellaho
John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

And we’ve done another flip to actually government is good again.

Dr. Mithras

Just say identity papers and we are up to speed.

gellaho

Narc!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

okay, this apocalypse is getting a little too on the nose.

PowerThrills

Ooooh, it's one of the insurrectionists who found a time machine to go back in time to try to write a book to justify their actions.

gellaho

Lol

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The only thing it got wrong is America's jails are doing great business, just GREAT profit margins.

gellaho

People haven't forgotten the Beatles now, you think they would if one became Prime Minister?

Peter!?

Dr. Mithras

Haha. His future is less dystopian than our present. How depressing

gellaho

Did Peter not know about debit cards?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I seriously don't know how the author can square these two phrases: "the government would only take you away if you had done something that warranted it" and "Bill of Rights. Chuck made a derisive noise." This is utter madness.

PowerThrills

Or even bank transfers?

gellaho

He just stumbled upon the missing kid

PowerThrills

Gotta love that first reaction

gellaho

God, Chuck, you suck

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I thought this was first first day at work. Why should Zack know him?

PowerThrills

Had to dig deep not to shake that kid

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Oh no, back-of-class Zack is running with the goth kids now.

PowerThrills

Maybe I came into this a little late and this was addressed, but is Psi-man christian?

gellaho

There is no reason for this to be in the book

gellaho

He's a Quaker

PowerThrills

Even better

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He knows EVERY martial art but he can win a fight by shutting down your brain.

gellaho

This dark mysterious man is only known as... Tony

PowerThrills

A historically left-wing, pro-union sect of christianity that often lived in communes

And strongly pacifist

gellaho

Car mind powers!

gellaho

He had to visualize picking a lock, but a car engine is not a problem

So I'm assuming that this is Rommel and they'll meet up again later

gellaho

Otherwise, I would hope he would have chosen a different breed

icy spicy jakesy

Lol there’s just like a roaming pack of Nazi dogs terrorizing this town

gellaho

Nope, I guess not

icy spicy jakesy

Spy man is only friends with one of them

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

He renamed himself Rommel after he talked to Chuck

gellaho

Aikido!

icy spicy jakesy

Lol proof of aikido!

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

We still don’t know Toni Spumoni’s last name huh

gellaho

Oh, that sucks

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Wouldn't it be a better, more sensical story if he forced the driver to stop the car instead?

PowerThrills

Yeah, so psychic powers affect machines? Like in Maximum Overdrive, could he make a coke machine fire out cans?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

There's a reason no one wanted to play with the kid whose power was "all of them" or wished for more wishes from the genie.

PowerThrills

Or just suddenly had "force field"

Classic Superman was that kid

gellaho

Chuck goes to the hospital with his lady friend. His powers are starting to manifest

This Zack kid was on a drug called Snap, so he could be better at the football

icy spicy jakesy

He could hike the ball with the speed of 100 Hogs when on the Snap

gellaho

Everyone, including Zack's parents, are unnecessarily uncooperative so Psi-Man can use his mind force

that's good writing

PowerThrills

Yeah, that's what they told him in the locker room when they gave him amyl nitrates.

gellaho

Then, Chuck's lady friend goes fucking ballistic

gellaho
gellaho

Now, we're in JD Masters territory. Your dick not working is worse than death

PowerThrills

If you take out every other sentence of the last four paragraphs, it's just erotic fiction

gellaho

PowerThrills

Called it.

GnomePickles

Just a question, this author is familiar with how conversations work right? Like he's at least seen people interact while hiding in the bushes watching them, waiting for their guard to drop. So he should be able to at least pretend that one of his characters can talk like a sane person.

gellaho

Psi-Man tried to set up Tony, but Tony kidnapped Linda instead

gellaho

Speaking of bushes

PowerThrills

Because you can't kill someone with knives and clubs?

Quickly?

Times six?

gellaho

He fights these six people with weapons for a little bit and then

GnomePickles

Those special nonlethal knives and clubs with extra blunt tips

gellaho

PowerThrills

Oh, so LARPers

gellaho

boom goes the dynamite

GnomePickles

I am now convinced that the rest of the book is a hallucination brought on by a concussion from the nonlethal clubs.

gellaho

60 pages later, Chuck has been activated

gellaho

Fucking sick

PowerThrills

Again, I'm very confused at him being a Quaker

gellaho

PowerThrills

So it's meant to be a contrast I suppose

GnomePickles

Chuck, reluctant mind wizard. Badass in spite of himself

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

Lol he snapped and now is burning people alive! All it took was one drug dealer

Even Steele had more restraint than that

gellaho

Chuck has decided to start quipping as well

gellaho

I guess he also unlocked the one-liner part of his brain

Oh, don't you hate when you've gone a murderous rampage and your lady friend turns up alive and well?

That's always embarassing

PowerThrills

So, as I understand it, a black out is just a lapse in memory

Does the author mean he passed out or fainted?

icy spicy jakesy

I think so

He’s not great with words

gellaho

Apparently these bad guys were really counting on him sticking to his religious convictions when they pretended to kill his girlfriend

PowerThrills

Because saying he blacked out sounds more like a supreme court justice nominee defense than a dramatic turn of events

icy spicy jakesy

This all scans, traditionally people who say they’re religious are never psycho killers

PowerThrills

But how or why would they know or care about that?

He's just some dude that can blow shit up with his mind

icy spicy jakesy

Not only do they care about it, they’re obsessed with it

gellaho

This was the expected outcome

ProseAndKahn

I mean, Nixon was a Quaker...

PowerThrills

That's like being obsessed with the fact that Wolverine is Canadian

icy spicy jakesy

“We just thought he would make oatmeal!?!”

ProseAndKahn

“Hey, you know that Quaker who assaulted a bus driver for not being environmentally conscious enough? If we convince him we killed his girlfriend and blow up his house, he’ll just let it slide”

gellaho

These writers just love philosophizing

gellaho

Just sitting in prison thinking about aikido

ProseAndKahn

Captain Ahab was a Quaker

gellaho

Sure am glad we wasted so much time on this relationship

ProseAndKahn

“She put her moist lips on his giant forehead.”

icy spicy jakesy

Oh god if this gets super jesusy

gellaho

Ooh, gold

Really stretching yourself with that name, Pete

gellaho
PowerThrills

This is a weird prequel to Jaws

GnomePickles

Fun dun dun

ProseAndKahn

My name is Chuck Tony Simon, but you can just call me Psi-Man

icy spicy jakesy

“The Complex. It was all so simple. Chuck moistened his lips inquisitively”

gellaho

RIP CIA, FBI, NSA

PowerThrills

"Paint job? I'm no painter... oh, right."

gellaho

Chuck is joining the psychic avengers

gellaho

Fast-forward to today!

PowerThrills

Oh boy!

gellaho

Oh, fuck you. Bending spoons? Really

icy spicy jakesy

Fuck yeah lip action

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I'm back from making risotto. What happened after he broke the goth kid's face?

PowerThrills

Both too much and not enough?

gellaho

He immolated seven men

ProseAndKahn

“Sweat trickled from his gargantuan forehead and moistened his plump lips”

icy spicy jakesy

He went all Ghost Rider and murdered a pack of drug dealers WITH HIS MIND

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

But he's a cool teacher!

gellaho

PowerThrills

So he can shut down a car engine, and explode a house and mindfuck seven men into throwing themselves in the flames, but can barely bend a spoon?

ProseAndKahn

Oh my god, how are there eight conditional clauses about what the sun would look like?

gellaho

Swing and a miss on that prediction, Pete

gellaho

ProseAndKahn

What are the odds that his blond hair is mentioned when he teams up with Rommel?

gellaho

Chuck ends up wearing this spoon on a necklace

PowerThrills

Asked and answered

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Does Chuck give glory to Christ for his miraculous gifts every time he uses them, or just the non-murder ones?

gellaho

OK, Mr Burns

ProseAndKahn

Here’s a necklace to remind you of the ex who dumped you. I made it out of a spoon

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Jesus Christ, I hate this world.

PowerThrills

Wait, what? There's no version of bending a spoon that looks like an A

gellaho

Wrong again, Pete

ProseAndKahn

Can I just say, I love how half the words in every sentence do nothing

gellaho

I would take another crack at this name

icy spicy jakesy

Smithers, the crack shot who was not at all popular in the 90s. Nope, nobody with that name in the 90s pop culture

ProseAndKahn

Smithers is a famously Russian surname

PowerThrills

"I'm sorry, did you you say Roll Bottle?"

ProseAndKahn

Reuel Beutel, he was in the Rural Juror

gellaho

Well, this is pointless

icy spicy jakesy

Fuckin Smithers didn’t even make it a whole chapter

ProseAndKahn

He died offscreen before he was even introduced

PowerThrills

Oh, at least he's just going to "kind of kill" him.

gellaho

The gun shot knocked him off a bridge

End of chapter

Five pages for Chapter 10

A chapter all about a new character killing two other new characters

chef's kiss

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Ugh, this guy dies and the last person he ever interacts with is the assassin version of water cooler guy who thinks his warmed-over Ross schtick is funny.

gellaho

It's called the forc - "insight"

ProseAndKahn

I mean, not just the storytelling, but the writing is so bad. “The blast tore off the top of his skull and he was already dead.” What does that actually mean? Was he already dead when the blast tore off?

GnomePickles

I honestly have no earthly clue how we are expected to follow this story. The narrative is more manic then a jumping spider on meth.

gellaho

Steven Seagal would love all this aikido talk

ProseAndKahn

Aikido>Quakerism, apparently

PowerThrills

Wait, when he learned aikido was he just a regular Quaker?

gellaho

He's actually training by lifting rocks

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Putting my quarter on this mysterious other psychic having tried to project violence into Chuck but discovering he was psi-resistant

gellaho

He chose quakerism first. His parents were Baptist.

ProseAndKahn

I assume Quint is riding Psi-Man like a backpack

“Insight, I call it.”

Is the next line “There is no try”

PowerThrills

So after he chose the Society of Friends, he learned a fighting style?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I feel like aikido can't be the work out people claim it is

gellaho

Oh, Reuel Beutel is jealous

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"you're not butter bitch, you're the original graham cracker to his honey sweetened version"

PowerThrills

Why does the guy with a made up french-canadian name sound american southern?

ProseAndKahn

Like, pacifism is a tenet of Quakerism, but literally nothing prevents you from being a pacifist within any other denomination. Also, Richard Nixon is the most high profile Quaker in recent history

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Wait that came off sexual

gellaho

Reuel seems like he's not going to be a problem at all

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Turns out official membership into a specific group doesn't necessarily mean your actions will be in line with that groups ideals

gellaho

Here comes Rommel. 100 pages later

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Ruels going to betray quint and kill him out of jealousy and become a bad guy

ProseAndKahn

Do we think all the dogs will be named after a) generals b)nazis c) Germans

JCantrell, Alpacaman

That's my prediction

PowerThrills

With such an insane name, yes, absolutely

gellaho

So much aikido

PowerThrills

It's like when a tertiary character is played by James Woods

ProseAndKahn

Apparently this is a shock to all the people that thought they could control Psi-Man

PowerThrills

of course he's the bad guy

gellaho
gellaho

Aikido will be the key to Psi-Man's Mind Force

and donuts

PowerThrills

"Not for him" Fuck this dude.

gellaho

Put it on your tombstone

Perform aikido and float donuts

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Is it yeasted? Because a yeasted doughnut would break my con-psi-ntration.

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Whenever anyone picks aikido as the badass martial art for their character I know they didn't do their research

PowerThrills

I stand by my last statement.

ProseAndKahn

But they watched at least five Steven Seagal movies! What more do you want?

gellaho

Riveting

Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak

one of the major failings of the Dresden Files

gellaho

No one must know about my ability to sort clothing!

No one!

PowerThrills

"More than one thing at a time. Like flushing the toilet and examining his clothes!"

ProseAndKahn

Oh thank god, I was worried he couldn’t tie his shoes

gellaho

No, Pete, you need to explain why he wore the spoon.

gellaho

Not repeat the same thing again

Chuck's psychic powers can't sense a camera?

PowerThrills

Again, nothing you do to a spoon makes it look like an A.

ProseAndKahn

Look, some people can fly airplanes, some people can cure diseases, some people can float donuts, and some people can do spoon origami

It’s nothing extraordinary

PowerThrills

Not to him

gellaho

I thought that fucking dog would have showed up again by now

Preeminent psychic assassin

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Can't these people light actual fires under people? Choose your words carefully, we're not mind rea--oh.

ProseAndKahn

Isn’t there only one secret service now

Greg

I've only caught up to 5:37 but this book better continue to rule

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

That's what Homeland Security WANTS you to think.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

We're all out of lions. How do you feel about teens named Zack?

ProseAndKahn

No, the book explicitly stated that “the complex” took over for everyone

PowerThrills

Maybe I missed it - when was this book published?

ProseAndKahn

He can’t even keep his own world building straight

gellaho

October 1990

ProseAndKahn

1990

PowerThrills

Oof, later than I thought.

gellaho

Beutel has been about to attack Chuck for 10 pages

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

So were the lions in medias res just to splash page us into paying attention?

ProseAndKahn

Look, David/Peter paid a martial arts consultant $5,000 dollars for three facts about aikido and a drawing of a dog, and by god, he’s going to get his money’s worth

gellaho
gellaho

When I think Rommel, I think unsullied

ProseAndKahn

As a Jewish man, I’d never thought I’d say this, but thank fucking god Rommel finally showed up

gellaho

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You have got to be fucking kidding me

PowerThrills

I, I don't...

GDC

satanic nazi murder dog!

icy spicy jakesy

It’s happening. It’s really happening

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Rommel bucks the mould

icy spicy jakesy

Reincarnated Rommel from hell!

JCantrell, Alpacaman

That is the dumbest take, dogs are harder to control?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

ok kids back from pajama hugging how is the book

gellaho

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Not great

ProseAndKahn

Cats are famously less high-strung than dogs

gellaho

Rommel is subject 666

ProseAndKahn

“Filled the bill”

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

lol

PowerThrills

The cat Himmler was a prized subject

icy spicy jakesy

Some, astutely, remember this as “the number of the ‘beast’”

ProseAndKahn

Is he the size of a horse or a car? You’re the author, you pick

Tommyg13

Oh for goodness sake, another one of these? Good gravy. More madness

PowerThrills

Yeah, those are different sizes

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The actual number of the beast is 616, if you're translating right.

gellaho

Lotta build up to this psychic battle. Then he just gets jumped by a dog

Tommyg13

Cujo strikes again

PowerThrills

So they had a 6 ft. plus dog on a leash?

ProseAndKahn

Airplane engine roar is almost the opposite of staccato. Stop picking two completely different things and making us guess

gellaho

I don't think that's how allergies work, Peter

gellaho

Don't worry about it

PowerThrills

I mean, I don't know horse sizes, but a pinto's pretty big, right?

Tommyg13

@PowerThrills not a pinto bean :joy:

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

so we all agree Peter David did a rush job as a favor to someone and wanted no part of it?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

so last I left lions were being shot with darts and now rommel is a science experiment hell dog

Tommyg13

Peter David’ nosebleed rags are so much better than this

icy spicy jakesy

The Hawke Method

gellaho

Counterpoint: There are 6 of these books and the Photon books

ProseAndKahn

His nosebleed rags were the color of apples, red delicious or Granny Smith, take your pick

gellaho

This is a long dog attack

icy spicy jakesy

Couldn’t he think about stopping the dog with his mind

Tommyg13

There’s a lotta machine analogies here

ProseAndKahn

No, he’s allergic

icy spicy jakesy

The preeminent psychic assassin can’t use his mind?

GnomePickles

Dude what kind of psychic assassin are you?

gellaho

Chuck needs therapy

Tommyg13

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GnomePickles

Bad fury balastic missile, no murdering the moron who forgot he can kill with his mind.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Book of Quaker says no passive murder

ProseAndKahn

You know when the op psychic assassin is really pissed when he uses a mild swear

gellaho

That is amusing, you certainly wouldn't use that to give the dog a horrific name would you, Chuck?

gellaho

Great stuff, Pete

ProseAndKahn

That’s also the mirror reverse of the ss symbol

PowerThrills

Hot strength and Turgid durability

ProseAndKahn

He would have to go out of his way

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

This actually makes me miss the intelligent dog from Dean Koontz.

icy spicy jakesy

Which one?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Feels like this is giving a lot of undue credit to dudes in clubs.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The one with the psychic connection to lab-grown Grendel.

gellaho

Very historic, indeed

Tommyg13

Oh boy. This prose is so purple, it’s got bruises

PowerThrills

MOST HISTORIC

ProseAndKahn

But should it be humped?

Tommyg13

@ProseAndKahn cool handle

gellaho

Wtf is this

Tommyg13

The dog tried the squirrel trick. Some psychic

gellaho

No, this sucks

PowerThrills

He, Chuck, was tricked psychically by a giant dog to "Look over there"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

In Psi-Chuck's defense nobody expects subterfuge from a dog.

Tommyg13

Eyes rolling so hard, I saw my brain :brain:

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

God, I miss my labs and their dull attempts at trickery.

icy spicy jakesy

Lol “shit sucks” said the dog

Also anyone who calls the dick “genitals” this much is a psycho

GDC

is this a psychic assassin/satanic nazi dog buddy cop story now?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Congratulations! You are now the Psi-Man!

gellaho

Quint is bizzaro Chuck

PowerThrills

Did they ever invade your thoughts before shitting on a couch?

Tommyg13

Ooh, thanks. What I get? What I get? What I get?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

All the power of aikido. Use it for good, not Seagalery

gellaho

Hey, Pete, quit talking about the dog shitting and fucking

ProseAndKahn

“I have so little presence, automatic doors don’t even notice me”

Tommyg13

I don’t wanna get choked out by a senior citizen.

gellaho

Chuck only kills men who pretended to kill his almost-girlfriend

Tommyg13

Why so hesitant? It’s not like it can be traced back to him

icy spicy jakesy

Based on this, and I can’t believe it’s come to this, but have we been too harsh on JD Masters?

PowerThrills

To be fair, they did kill his almost-girlfriend's house

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

He’s fuckin’ Dostoyevsky compared to this shit

gellaho

"You lied to me, Chuck. So you owe me this assassination"

ProseAndKahn

"When I have to be" is the best fucking answer to "are you religious

What does that even mean?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Giphy offers me nothing on Joad Cressbeckler, so just picture me with a Bowie knife saying "By God, you hush up!"

GDC

He goes to church on easter to make his grandma happy.

ProseAndKahn

Like, I can take Rosh Hashanah off

Tommyg13

“Nothing happens around here unless I want it to, Chuck”

So you let the dog attack him.

PowerThrills

I grew up in the South. I know those dudes.

ProseAndKahn

But also eat cheeseburgers

gellaho

Here it comes

Perpetually Shocked Fay

“Laddie”

Please let it be

Tommyg13

Oh screw you in the ear, you freaking hack.

ProseAndKahn

It's introduced in the first chapter.

You're not going to like it

Perpetually Shocked Fay

Thanks haven’t scrolled up that far yet

ProseAndKahn

We've been building up to finding out how he ended up with such a terrible name

Tommyg13

Oh, so totally worth it...:face_vomiting:

gellaho

We're missing a very important four letter word starting with N here

Tommyg13

He named the dog after the enemy in WW2. Eyes roll again like the undertaker

GnomePickles

Ok Chuck, what else was Rommel famous for buddy? Maybe his position in a certain group?

gellaho

And then Peter just moves on. Name a dog after a nazi and don't even worry about it

PowerThrills

"Hey! you know! That famous tank commander!"

ProseAndKahn

He also has a pet fish named Donitz, and a model train named Eichmann

Tommyg13

@gellaho I’m sorry, who wrote this again, please?

PowerThrills

Why isn't he surprised the dog apparently speaks and understands english, if only mentally?

GDC

"I named my guinea pig Mengele, you see, because..."

Tommyg13

The telepathy translates I guess

gellaho

David Peters, aka Peter David

GDC

a cunning disguise

Tommyg13

@gellaho Really?

ProseAndKahn

"He's big and unbreakable, like a stone wall. I know, I'll call him Stonewall Jackson!"

"He was famous for being a general and nothing else"

gellaho

Yes

Tommyg13

Oh, stop it. You’ll give him ideas

gellaho

Tommyg13

Oh, man. I can’t believe this is the same guy who wrote the Star Trek books.

ProseAndKahn

"He's so strong, I bet he can travel heavily laden. I got it, Osama bin Laden!"

gellaho

So they sent the only survivor of Chuck's massacre and Chuck decides to quit

PowerThrills

I saw someone do the Pol Pot joke earlier, so I won't

icy spicy jakesy

I will take your word that this isn’t David’s finest hour

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

His Hulk run is fantastic.

Tommyg13

Not any worse than what he wrote

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He created the Maestro and wrote The Last Avengers Story

gellaho

And wrote the Photon books

"Aren't necktie parties fun?"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Risotto's ready. Stay frosty, Psi-gnomes.

Tommyg13

Apparently, you can’t hit a home run every time you go to bat

PowerThrills

Did he suffer a very specific and brief brain injury before writing this?

GDC

Necktie parties sound like a sex thing.

Tommyg13

Mundanes. Related to Mudbloods?

ProseAndKahn

There was literally a "Necktie Social" in the book of terrible self-published poetry I went over on here yesterday

It wasn't not a sex thing

PowerThrills

It could have been. Coward.

ProseAndKahn

wasn't not

GDC

that's definitely a sex thing for someone.

PowerThrills

Ah, I'm seeing I missread that.

Tommyg13

And people complain about tv

gellaho

You can't call the book series Psi-Man and then mock it for being silly, bud

PowerThrills

OH! I get it.

Simon

Psi-man

God I feel dumb

icy spicy jakesy

Lol I love that like 4 people have gradually come to that realization mid-read

Tommyg13

No, that’s your brain escaping

gellaho

How's Psi-Man gonna get out of this predicament

ProseAndKahn

Psi-man is just brain leaving the body

"a major lobotomy all over your body"

Gonna get all my lobes

Tommyg13

And this mess got published. Haven’t enough trees died already?

GDC

get all my gut lobes

leg lobes, all those lobes

gellaho

Chuck doesn't want to kill anyone. I'm sure none of this raining glass could possibly hurt anyone

ProseAndKahn

The leg lobes connected to the, knee lobe

Tommyg13

I know, right?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Depends on what you after you meet up with the date

PowerThrills

A rain of death

ProseAndKahn

"I don't want to hurt anyone"

Rain of death

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Also necktie social is a Mormon key party

Change my mind

ProseAndKahn

I mean, you're not wrong.

gellaho

Quint's getting an eyepatch

PowerThrills

Just cause he looked up?

That's ... thrilling

ProseAndKahn

Wait, is the dog going to get in the sidecar?

Cuz we were told he's as big as a horse and/or car

PowerThrills

Why doesn't Chuck just ride Rommel?

gellaho

Dumber

ProseAndKahn

Yes!!! I am on board now

PowerThrills

THE FUCK

ProseAndKahn

I knew we expected simple Psi-man's powers to be variable, but I didn't expect the dog's size to be choose your own adventure

PowerThrills

"But I can't grip these bars! I don't have thumbs!"

ProseAndKahn

I'm fully imagining a truck sized dog sitting on a motorcycle

It is glorious

gellaho

ProseAndKahn

The perfect cover

PowerThrills

"Of course he's a front! Haven't you ever seen a psychic control a dog driving a motorcycle!"

GDC

that's like, psychic powers 101

gellaho

I think Chuck is going to get this patsy of his killed

PowerThrills

Why aren't people running and screaming from the horse/car-sized-dog?

gellaho

Misusing id will definitely send you straight to hell

PowerThrills

How can he even get on the bus?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

You know going into this I didn't expect to question whether the author has seen a dig before, but I'm starting to wonder

gellaho

Fast-forward back to the circus

ProseAndKahn

I'm pretty sure he's seen a dog. I don't know if he's ever seen a horse and/or car

PowerThrills

Maybe he's Quaker? Do quakers have dogs?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"dogs are horse sized right?"

ProseAndKahn

"and horses are car sized?"

gellaho

I've heard that they hadn't yet invented the car or horse in 1990

PowerThrills

If he's Quaker, maybe he's only seen horses

and thinks they're dogs?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"they ride horses and they ride cars, they must be about the same size right?"

ProseAndKahn

if Dog=Horse

and Horse=Car

Then Dog=Car

Q.E.D.

But also, never ride the horse/car sized dog

PowerThrills

No, the horse drives the motorcycle

gellaho

I'm glad the greatly named Reuel Beutel is sticking around

PowerThrills

I, I think

Roll Bottle! My favorite obviously-the-villain

GnomePickles

Hi I am from the evil faceless shadow organization responcable for extra-judical killings, can you please answer some questions for me?

ProseAndKahn

So, i just did research, and pinto isn't even a breed of horse

It's just a description of coloring

Tommyg13

Hence pinto bean

PowerThrills

Huh

gellaho

Carnies

ProseAndKahn

So Rommel is either the size of a Ford Pinto or any size horse with a particular color pattern

Take your pick

Tommyg13

More unsexy sexiness

PowerThrills

I pick Ford Pinto painted in that particular color pattern

ProseAndKahn

driving a motorcycle

PowerThrills

Which is still too big to fit on a bike

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Could be a pony or a clydesdale

GnomePickles

This just took a turn for the rapey

ProseAndKahn

Depending on the demands of the story

Tommyg13

Gosh almighty, the prose, the prose...

gellaho

What's with this jack ass shit

Tommyg13

The manure would be vaporized by the cannon blast :boom:

GDC

Haha, he got Biff Tannen'd

ProseAndKahn

Literally the same thing twice, twice. "Too slow, too late. The cannon exploded, discharging its contents"

PowerThrills

I'm assuming TK is telekinesis

GnomePickles

Um if you can blow up wi dows why do you need to fire manure from a cannon my guy?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Why do these books never have editors?

Tommyg13

There ya go, applying logic to this mess...

Tommyg13

Ed..it..tore? What be this?

gellaho

Beutel wasn't even there for the Psi-Man thing, now he's saying it unironically?

GnomePickles

All the editor money went to cover consultants

Tommyg13

How did he know his name was psi man? This is the Martha from Batman v Superman all over again

gellaho

He actually gave Quint an eyepatch

ProseAndKahn

"Psi-Man, don't use your best weapon against me, or I'll kill the people I've already tried to kill!"

JCantrell, Alpacaman

It was very important they got that dog consultant, clearly not a waste of time

Tommyg13

Quint is a member of the eff bee eye!

ProseAndKahn

Dog consultant:

I dunno, they like to hump things and eat things and poop, I guess? What's that? Would the dog care if he was named after Rommel?

gellaho

I don't know how Beutel forgot about his kryptonite-like aversion to dogs

Tommyg13

TK battles, saving money on special effects to go towards the director’s cocaine since the movie Scanners...

ProseAndKahn

Martial arts consultant:

I dunno, maybe bash his head into a trapeze? I guess that's aikido

Tommyg13

As a newly self appointed Akido expert, I’d have to say, nope.

GnomePickles

No I cannot use this guys biggest weakness, I must smash his head into a pole as that is a nonlethal take down.

gellaho

So Dakota, the tight rope walker from a million years ago, is trying to get Psi-Man down from a tight rope

Psi-Man is the only thing keeping Rommel from absolutely murdering Beutel

so what does Beutel do? Makes Psi-Man lose his concentration

Tommyg13

Saw the b-tch in the football jersey. Stay classy

ProseAndKahn

Some how I think Rootle Tootles isn't a very good assassin

gellaho

So, that doesn't end well for Beutel

GnomePickles

You have a gun, shoot the dog and, "psi-man" in the knee.

gellaho

Then he runs

Tommyg13

How will Beutel applaud now? Not very loudly I guess

gellaho

Only hatchets for some reason

GnomePickles

Wait, "spit out the fist?" Biology wants a word with you.

gellaho

Off to the next great adventure

ProseAndKahn

Bring me the car that is the same size as this dog or a horse

gellaho

Chapter 19 is the last chapter. This is the full text

gellaho

There is no reason for that to exist

Also: THE END

Tommyg13

Oh my goodness. What a wonderful book!

ProseAndKahn

The dangling participle in the first sentence means the pickup truck was unseen behind the clouds

gellaho

The preview for the book promised a lot of murder

ProseAndKahn

Just on a sentence-by-sentence level, this is so badly written

gellaho

Instead I get pacifist psychic who doesn't want to kill or do anything

Tommyg13

Gotta zip up your fly with those dangling participles

ProseAndKahn

He just wants to practice akido, and hang out with his dog friend, who he named after Rommel, the famous general and nothing else

GnomePickles

In a circus with coworkers who are suprizingly loyal to him.

gellaho

He did save that guy from a lion mauling. Carnie code

Based on the book's text, this is just him doing Aikido

ProseAndKahn

The carnival is basically what if Geek Love but terrible

Also, based on the cover, that dog is, like, smaller than average for a German Shepherd

gellaho

That scene on the cover is also not in the book. I have no idea where that is

GnomePickles

It is Mr. Unconnected and his knee high dog Patton having a night out

ProseAndKahn

Also, it says he's the most hunted man on earth, but there's literally only one guy looking for him

He's a somewhat sought after man

And would be dangerous if he weren't a pacifist

SI-MON

Quaker Warrior

gellaho

At least I know now why most of these covers are him doing weird martial arts

GnomePickles

A pasifist who sent a shower of glass raining down on a collection of soldiers and set a half dozen people on fire

gellaho

PowerThrills

So, this author has written arguably good books?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Remember at the beginning when they made a big deal about him dying his hair black so he wouldn't be found, but then, oh yeah, he has a dog the size of a horse/car/whatever which is slightly more likely to stand out than a blonde guy?

ProseAndKahn

Mind-force warrior seems like someone couldn't remember the word for psychic

GnomePickles

And didn't change his name at all.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

The cover to book 2 looks like they had the photoshoot for both book covers on the same day. Didn't even change his clothes.

gellaho

gellaho

That's what people tell me. At least good comic books

ProseAndKahn

He's can blow shit up with his mind and has a dog of indeterminately large size, but all the covers are him punching people while his boring dog of fixed proportions looks on

PowerThrills

Yeah, that dog is decidedly of normal size

ProseAndKahn

Like, have him do a Scanners style head-splosion while his dog swallows the rest of the dude's body in a single gulp, you cowards

Greg

Ok caught up to here @ 800. Strong start with lions and problematic dogs. Hoping for a comeback by 9:30

gellaho

This is really the only one showing him using psychic powers

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Psychic powers or Force lightning?

gellaho

The dog is suspiciously absent for the last three books

ProseAndKahn

How many books before it stops being an "electrifying new series"

PowerThrills

Yeah, "psychic" is a stretch

ProseAndKahn

This looks more like a poster for a magic show than psychic combat

gellaho

The last one

GnomePickles

I like to think each book is him dealing with the one guy chasing him in more and more painful ways.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I assume that, like Steele, all these books were published in an embarrassingly short timeframe

ProseAndKahn

Tonight, on Fox, don't miss a new episode of the Electrifying New Series: The Simpsons!

GnomePickles

He didn't let the dog eat him as the dog had already tortured him and therefore he needed to find a new way to cause the poor bastard harm.

ProseAndKahn

He loses another body part in each installment

gellaho

October 1990 to May 1992, so about the same length of time as Steele

ProseAndKahn

First draft, last draft, get it out the door

GnomePickles

We will find out at the end of the series that Chick is an unreliable narrator and the agent chasing him is trying to protect the citizens from the villain psi-man, sacrificing body parts as he goes.

gellaho

GnomePickles

Chuck*

ProseAndKahn

But shit, though, Chick was the name of the telekinetic kid in Geek Love

PowerThrills

Well that's Judo

not Aikido

gellaho

And then the last book where he fights anemic RoboCop with hair

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It's possible I've spent more time composing a work e-mail than this guy spent writing one of these books. I'd be ashamed to put that little effort into something.

PowerThrills

There is about 300% more martial arts on the covers than in the text.

Greg

So the way I feel is that I liked it when the dog drove the motorcycle

gellaho

Ahuh

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It's weird how the only martial arts he used was on the bus driver, but he sure did talk about aikido all the damn time.

PowerThrills

Here in New England, Quaker communities are known for making good wooden furniture.

I'd like it if the covers just had him making some nice chairs

The dog has a brush in his mouth, helping him stain a table

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

At least then he would have a personality. As it is, he doesn't want to kill people because he's a Quaker. That he could be replaced with any other reason and the book would be exactly the same.

PowerThrills

It'd make as much sense

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It would be better. I'd love to watch him teach the dog to psychically use a belt sander.