10: Psi-Man: Mind-Force Warrior David Peters

GDC

satanic nazi murder dog!

icy spicy jakesy

It’s happening. It’s really happening

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Rommel bucks the mould

icy spicy jakesy

Reincarnated Rommel from hell!

JCantrell, Alpacaman

That is the dumbest take, dogs are harder to control?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

ok kids back from pajama hugging how is the book

gellaho

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Not great

ProseAndKahn

Cats are famously less high-strung than dogs

gellaho

Rommel is subject 666

ProseAndKahn

“Filled the bill”

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

lol

PowerThrills

The cat Himmler was a prized subject

icy spicy jakesy

Some, astutely, remember this as “the number of the ‘beast’”

ProseAndKahn

Is he the size of a horse or a car? You’re the author, you pick

Tommyg13

Oh for goodness sake, another one of these? Good gravy. More madness

PowerThrills

Yeah, those are different sizes

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The actual number of the beast is 616, if you're translating right.

gellaho

Lotta build up to this psychic battle. Then he just gets jumped by a dog

Tommyg13

Cujo strikes again

PowerThrills

So they had a 6 ft. plus dog on a leash?

ProseAndKahn

Airplane engine roar is almost the opposite of staccato. Stop picking two completely different things and making us guess

gellaho

I don't think that's how allergies work, Peter

gellaho

Don't worry about it

PowerThrills

I mean, I don't know horse sizes, but a pinto's pretty big, right?

Tommyg13

@PowerThrills not a pinto bean :joy:

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

so we all agree Peter David did a rush job as a favor to someone and wanted no part of it?

Illithid Can Suck My Nuts Javo

so last I left lions were being shot with darts and now rommel is a science experiment hell dog

Tommyg13

Peter David’ nosebleed rags are so much better than this

icy spicy jakesy

The Hawke Method

gellaho

Counterpoint: There are 6 of these books and the Photon books

ProseAndKahn

His nosebleed rags were the color of apples, red delicious or Granny Smith, take your pick

gellaho

This is a long dog attack

icy spicy jakesy

Couldn’t he think about stopping the dog with his mind

Tommyg13

There’s a lotta machine analogies here

ProseAndKahn

No, he’s allergic

icy spicy jakesy

The preeminent psychic assassin can’t use his mind?

GnomePickles

Dude what kind of psychic assassin are you?

gellaho

Chuck needs therapy

Tommyg13

NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

GnomePickles

Bad fury balastic missile, no murdering the moron who forgot he can kill with his mind.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Book of Quaker says no passive murder

ProseAndKahn

You know when the op psychic assassin is really pissed when he uses a mild swear

gellaho

That is amusing, you certainly wouldn't use that to give the dog a horrific name would you, Chuck?

gellaho

Great stuff, Pete

ProseAndKahn

That’s also the mirror reverse of the ss symbol

PowerThrills

Hot strength and Turgid durability

ProseAndKahn

He would have to go out of his way

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

This actually makes me miss the intelligent dog from Dean Koontz.

icy spicy jakesy

Which one?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Feels like this is giving a lot of undue credit to dudes in clubs.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The one with the psychic connection to lab-grown Grendel.

gellaho

Very historic, indeed

Tommyg13

Oh boy. This prose is so purple, it’s got bruises

PowerThrills

MOST HISTORIC

ProseAndKahn

But should it be humped?

Tommyg13

@ProseAndKahn cool handle

gellaho

Wtf is this

Tommyg13

The dog tried the squirrel trick. Some psychic

gellaho

No, this sucks

PowerThrills

He, Chuck, was tricked psychically by a giant dog to "Look over there"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

In Psi-Chuck's defense nobody expects subterfuge from a dog.

Tommyg13

Eyes rolling so hard, I saw my brain :brain:

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

God, I miss my labs and their dull attempts at trickery.

icy spicy jakesy

Lol “shit sucks” said the dog

Also anyone who calls the dick “genitals” this much is a psycho

GDC

is this a psychic assassin/satanic nazi dog buddy cop story now?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Congratulations! You are now the Psi-Man!

gellaho

Quint is bizzaro Chuck

PowerThrills

Did they ever invade your thoughts before shitting on a couch?

Tommyg13

Ooh, thanks. What I get? What I get? What I get?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

All the power of aikido. Use it for good, not Seagalery

gellaho

Hey, Pete, quit talking about the dog shitting and fucking

ProseAndKahn

“I have so little presence, automatic doors don’t even notice me”

Tommyg13

I don’t wanna get choked out by a senior citizen.

gellaho

Chuck only kills men who pretended to kill his almost-girlfriend

Tommyg13

Why so hesitant? It’s not like it can be traced back to him

icy spicy jakesy

Based on this, and I can’t believe it’s come to this, but have we been too harsh on JD Masters?

PowerThrills

To be fair, they did kill his almost-girlfriend's house

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

He’s fuckin’ Dostoyevsky compared to this shit

gellaho

"You lied to me, Chuck. So you owe me this assassination"

ProseAndKahn

"When I have to be" is the best fucking answer to "are you religious

What does that even mean?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Giphy offers me nothing on Joad Cressbeckler, so just picture me with a Bowie knife saying "By God, you hush up!"

GDC

He goes to church on easter to make his grandma happy.

ProseAndKahn

Like, I can take Rosh Hashanah off

Tommyg13

“Nothing happens around here unless I want it to, Chuck”

So you let the dog attack him.

PowerThrills

I grew up in the South. I know those dudes.

ProseAndKahn

But also eat cheeseburgers

gellaho

Here it comes

Perpetually Shocked Fay

“Laddie”

Please let it be

Tommyg13

Oh screw you in the ear, you freaking hack.

ProseAndKahn

It's introduced in the first chapter.

You're not going to like it

Perpetually Shocked Fay

Thanks haven’t scrolled up that far yet

ProseAndKahn

We've been building up to finding out how he ended up with such a terrible name

Tommyg13

Oh, so totally worth it...:face_vomiting:

gellaho

We're missing a very important four letter word starting with N here

Tommyg13

He named the dog after the enemy in WW2. Eyes roll again like the undertaker

GnomePickles

Ok Chuck, what else was Rommel famous for buddy? Maybe his position in a certain group?

gellaho

And then Peter just moves on. Name a dog after a nazi and don't even worry about it

PowerThrills

"Hey! you know! That famous tank commander!"

ProseAndKahn

He also has a pet fish named Donitz, and a model train named Eichmann

Tommyg13

@gellaho I’m sorry, who wrote this again, please?

PowerThrills

Why isn't he surprised the dog apparently speaks and understands english, if only mentally?

GDC

"I named my guinea pig Mengele, you see, because..."

Tommyg13

The telepathy translates I guess

gellaho

David Peters, aka Peter David

GDC

a cunning disguise

Tommyg13

@gellaho Really?

ProseAndKahn

"He's big and unbreakable, like a stone wall. I know, I'll call him Stonewall Jackson!"

"He was famous for being a general and nothing else"

gellaho

Yes

Tommyg13

Oh, stop it. You’ll give him ideas

gellaho

Tommyg13

Oh, man. I can’t believe this is the same guy who wrote the Star Trek books.

ProseAndKahn

"He's so strong, I bet he can travel heavily laden. I got it, Osama bin Laden!"

gellaho

So they sent the only survivor of Chuck's massacre and Chuck decides to quit

PowerThrills

I saw someone do the Pol Pot joke earlier, so I won't

icy spicy jakesy

I will take your word that this isn’t David’s finest hour

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

His Hulk run is fantastic.

Tommyg13

Not any worse than what he wrote

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He created the Maestro and wrote The Last Avengers Story

gellaho

And wrote the Photon books

"Aren't necktie parties fun?"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Risotto's ready. Stay frosty, Psi-gnomes.

Tommyg13

Apparently, you can’t hit a home run every time you go to bat

PowerThrills

Did he suffer a very specific and brief brain injury before writing this?

GDC

Necktie parties sound like a sex thing.

Tommyg13

Mundanes. Related to Mudbloods?

ProseAndKahn

There was literally a "Necktie Social" in the book of terrible self-published poetry I went over on here yesterday

It wasn't not a sex thing

PowerThrills

It could have been. Coward.

ProseAndKahn

wasn't not

GDC

that's definitely a sex thing for someone.

PowerThrills

Ah, I'm seeing I missread that.

Tommyg13

And people complain about tv

gellaho

You can't call the book series Psi-Man and then mock it for being silly, bud

PowerThrills

OH! I get it.

Simon

Psi-man

God I feel dumb

icy spicy jakesy

Lol I love that like 4 people have gradually come to that realization mid-read

Tommyg13

No, that’s your brain escaping

gellaho

How's Psi-Man gonna get out of this predicament

ProseAndKahn

Psi-man is just brain leaving the body

"a major lobotomy all over your body"

Gonna get all my lobes

Tommyg13

And this mess got published. Haven’t enough trees died already?

GDC

get all my gut lobes

leg lobes, all those lobes

gellaho

Chuck doesn't want to kill anyone. I'm sure none of this raining glass could possibly hurt anyone

ProseAndKahn

The leg lobes connected to the, knee lobe

Tommyg13

I know, right?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Depends on what you after you meet up with the date

PowerThrills

A rain of death

ProseAndKahn

"I don't want to hurt anyone"

Rain of death

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Also necktie social is a Mormon key party

Change my mind

ProseAndKahn

I mean, you're not wrong.

gellaho

Quint's getting an eyepatch

PowerThrills

Just cause he looked up?

That's ... thrilling

ProseAndKahn

Wait, is the dog going to get in the sidecar?

Cuz we were told he's as big as a horse and/or car

PowerThrills

Why doesn't Chuck just ride Rommel?

gellaho

Dumber

ProseAndKahn

Yes!!! I am on board now

PowerThrills

THE FUCK

ProseAndKahn

I knew we expected simple Psi-man's powers to be variable, but I didn't expect the dog's size to be choose your own adventure

PowerThrills

"But I can't grip these bars! I don't have thumbs!"

ProseAndKahn

I'm fully imagining a truck sized dog sitting on a motorcycle

It is glorious

gellaho

ProseAndKahn

The perfect cover

PowerThrills

"Of course he's a front! Haven't you ever seen a psychic control a dog driving a motorcycle!"

GDC

that's like, psychic powers 101

gellaho

I think Chuck is going to get this patsy of his killed

PowerThrills

Why aren't people running and screaming from the horse/car-sized-dog?

gellaho

Misusing id will definitely send you straight to hell

PowerThrills

How can he even get on the bus?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

You know going into this I didn't expect to question whether the author has seen a dig before, but I'm starting to wonder

gellaho

Fast-forward back to the circus

ProseAndKahn

I'm pretty sure he's seen a dog. I don't know if he's ever seen a horse and/or car

PowerThrills

Maybe he's Quaker? Do quakers have dogs?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"dogs are horse sized right?"

ProseAndKahn

"and horses are car sized?"

gellaho

I've heard that they hadn't yet invented the car or horse in 1990

PowerThrills

If he's Quaker, maybe he's only seen horses

and thinks they're dogs?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"they ride horses and they ride cars, they must be about the same size right?"

ProseAndKahn

if Dog=Horse

and Horse=Car

Then Dog=Car

Q.E.D.

But also, never ride the horse/car sized dog

PowerThrills

No, the horse drives the motorcycle

gellaho

I'm glad the greatly named Reuel Beutel is sticking around

PowerThrills

I, I think

Roll Bottle! My favorite obviously-the-villain

GnomePickles

Hi I am from the evil faceless shadow organization responcable for extra-judical killings, can you please answer some questions for me?

ProseAndKahn

So, i just did research, and pinto isn't even a breed of horse

It's just a description of coloring

Tommyg13

Hence pinto bean

PowerThrills

Huh

gellaho

Carnies

ProseAndKahn

So Rommel is either the size of a Ford Pinto or any size horse with a particular color pattern

Take your pick

Tommyg13

More unsexy sexiness

PowerThrills

I pick Ford Pinto painted in that particular color pattern

ProseAndKahn

driving a motorcycle

PowerThrills

Which is still too big to fit on a bike

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Could be a pony or a clydesdale

GnomePickles

This just took a turn for the rapey

ProseAndKahn

Depending on the demands of the story

Tommyg13

Gosh almighty, the prose, the prose...

gellaho

What's with this jack ass shit

Tommyg13

The manure would be vaporized by the cannon blast :boom:

GDC

Haha, he got Biff Tannen'd

ProseAndKahn

Literally the same thing twice, twice. "Too slow, too late. The cannon exploded, discharging its contents"

PowerThrills

I'm assuming TK is telekinesis

GnomePickles

Um if you can blow up wi dows why do you need to fire manure from a cannon my guy?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Why do these books never have editors?

Tommyg13

There ya go, applying logic to this mess...

Tommyg13

Ed..it..tore? What be this?

gellaho

Beutel wasn't even there for the Psi-Man thing, now he's saying it unironically?

GnomePickles

All the editor money went to cover consultants

Tommyg13

How did he know his name was psi man? This is the Martha from Batman v Superman all over again

gellaho

He actually gave Quint an eyepatch

ProseAndKahn

"Psi-Man, don't use your best weapon against me, or I'll kill the people I've already tried to kill!"

JCantrell, Alpacaman

It was very important they got that dog consultant, clearly not a waste of time

Tommyg13

Quint is a member of the eff bee eye!

ProseAndKahn

Dog consultant:

I dunno, they like to hump things and eat things and poop, I guess? What's that? Would the dog care if he was named after Rommel?

gellaho

I don't know how Beutel forgot about his kryptonite-like aversion to dogs

Tommyg13

TK battles, saving money on special effects to go towards the director’s cocaine since the movie Scanners...

ProseAndKahn

Martial arts consultant:

I dunno, maybe bash his head into a trapeze? I guess that's aikido

Tommyg13

As a newly self appointed Akido expert, I’d have to say, nope.

GnomePickles

No I cannot use this guys biggest weakness, I must smash his head into a pole as that is a nonlethal take down.

gellaho

So Dakota, the tight rope walker from a million years ago, is trying to get Psi-Man down from a tight rope

Psi-Man is the only thing keeping Rommel from absolutely murdering Beutel

so what does Beutel do? Makes Psi-Man lose his concentration

Tommyg13

Saw the b-tch in the football jersey. Stay classy

ProseAndKahn

Some how I think Rootle Tootles isn't a very good assassin

gellaho

So, that doesn't end well for Beutel

GnomePickles

You have a gun, shoot the dog and, "psi-man" in the knee.

gellaho

Then he runs

Tommyg13

How will Beutel applaud now? Not very loudly I guess

gellaho

Only hatchets for some reason

GnomePickles

Wait, "spit out the fist?" Biology wants a word with you.

gellaho

Off to the next great adventure

ProseAndKahn

Bring me the car that is the same size as this dog or a horse

gellaho

Chapter 19 is the last chapter. This is the full text

gellaho

There is no reason for that to exist

Also: THE END

Tommyg13

Oh my goodness. What a wonderful book!

ProseAndKahn

The dangling participle in the first sentence means the pickup truck was unseen behind the clouds

gellaho

The preview for the book promised a lot of murder

ProseAndKahn

Just on a sentence-by-sentence level, this is so badly written

gellaho

Instead I get pacifist psychic who doesn't want to kill or do anything

Tommyg13

Gotta zip up your fly with those dangling participles

ProseAndKahn

He just wants to practice akido, and hang out with his dog friend, who he named after Rommel, the famous general and nothing else

GnomePickles

In a circus with coworkers who are suprizingly loyal to him.

gellaho

He did save that guy from a lion mauling. Carnie code

Based on the book's text, this is just him doing Aikido

ProseAndKahn

The carnival is basically what if Geek Love but terrible

Also, based on the cover, that dog is, like, smaller than average for a German Shepherd

gellaho

That scene on the cover is also not in the book. I have no idea where that is

GnomePickles

It is Mr. Unconnected and his knee high dog Patton having a night out

ProseAndKahn

Also, it says he's the most hunted man on earth, but there's literally only one guy looking for him

He's a somewhat sought after man

And would be dangerous if he weren't a pacifist

SI-MON

Quaker Warrior

gellaho

At least I know now why most of these covers are him doing weird martial arts

GnomePickles

A pasifist who sent a shower of glass raining down on a collection of soldiers and set a half dozen people on fire

gellaho

PowerThrills

So, this author has written arguably good books?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Remember at the beginning when they made a big deal about him dying his hair black so he wouldn't be found, but then, oh yeah, he has a dog the size of a horse/car/whatever which is slightly more likely to stand out than a blonde guy?

ProseAndKahn

Mind-force warrior seems like someone couldn't remember the word for psychic

GnomePickles

And didn't change his name at all.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

The cover to book 2 looks like they had the photoshoot for both book covers on the same day. Didn't even change his clothes.

gellaho