10: Psi-Man: Mind-Force Warrior David Peters

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

“I was so cool in high school. If I went back as a teacher I’d be welcomed like a returning hero.”

Dr. Mithras

"Rommel! Rommel! Rommel!"

Context is key here

gellaho

Oh, good. He's a "fun" teacher

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Those kids are dumb because there's lead in the air, you insensitive psi-creep.

icy spicy jakesy

“Simon turned his chair backwards to ‘rap’ with his students. Moistening his lips, he began”

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I miss anything fun?

It seems very steele, is it very steele?

icy spicy jakesy

Steele somehow is more well-written

gellaho

The sun is a mystery

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

It is rather Steele. But the lips...

Dr. Mithras

Yes but more vanilla so far. Except for the lions

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

It definitely has the same confused politics as Steele. Global warming is bad but apparently any efforts to fix it is also bad.

gellaho

Psi-Man and his dog fought some lions. That was pretty fun

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Do these people live outside the Matrix or something?

Dr. Mithras

Has the explosion is Seattle darkened the whole global sky then for years or what

gellaho

Chapter 2 was a waste of time, which seems par for the course

Dr. Mithras

Which one was that

gellaho

This last part, with the bus fight and homeroom

Chapter 3 is only three pages long though

Dr. Mithras

Oh god he gave a whole chapter to that?

icy spicy jakesy

This guys thing seems to be foreheads

gellaho

Mr Quint

JCantrell, Alpacaman

If pulp sci fi writers knew what was up they wouldn't be pulp sci fi writers

Dr. Mithras

If Psi man and Rommel are the good guys is the dick in the tweed coat and blue sunglasses the villain?

gellaho

You have now read Chapter 3

Congrats

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Page 42. At this rate, there’s no way he can fit in the actual plot.

gellaho

Chapter 4: lunch

Dr. Mithras

If Psi man comes here, waste his time. Brush him off. Serve him cold coffee and tell him statistically He's wasting his time. You know, police work.

icy spicy jakesy

Has everyone forgotten that the psi man can read minds

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I'm a football coach, but by night I'm a lion-wrestling psychic crimefighter with a talking dog.

gellaho

Psi-Man is going to teach history! Why do I care!

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I don’t think he’s Psi-man yet. We still need his origin story before the action can start.

Dr. Mithras

Can he, he seems to have skipped that and gone straight to telekinetically throwing apex predators around

icy spicy jakesy

I’m going to assume he can read minds

But you’re right, I guess they don’t explicitly say that yet

gellaho

There's a kid name Zack Jordan who isn't coming to school, I'm assuming that will be important

icy spicy jakesy

But also so far all his powers point to him being like Physical Man

Maybe they spelled it wrong and he’s supposed to be Phys Man

gellaho

I already know he's a psychic, why are you doing this

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

He implanted all his psychic powers to the dog so he could have super strength, and oh shit I like my story better.

Dr. Mithras

I knew a kid called Ahmed Zaman. He came back to school having legally changed his Name to Zaman Ahmed. To this day I'm convincrd he did it because we queued for dinner in alphabetical order. There was never any desert left for him

PowerThrills

Does Psi-man deliver the baby? Psy... psichically?

gellaho

Ex-wife, who cares

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Is he hiding his psychic powers while also bragging about how he aced the psychic tests?

gellaho

You can't start the book with him in a traveling circus, expecting me to care about his past domestic life

Dr. Mithras

I cannot tell this isn't Simon Hawke.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Dude can read her mind and still lets her throw herself at him despite the frustration he can read it causing her.

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Talking murder dog! But first, high school bullshit.

gellaho

Fuck you, constitution

PowerThrills

"Now I've been POLITELY interested in you, so stop embarrassing yourself. Despite your obvious disinterest."

icy spicy jakesy

Lol people were mad but then like, whatever dude let’s go to the circus

Dr. Mithras

High school Football rules!

gellaho

I think you might be adding too many elements, Peter

gellaho

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

And we’ve done another flip to actually government is good again.

Dr. Mithras

Just say identity papers and we are up to speed.

gellaho

Narc!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

okay, this apocalypse is getting a little too on the nose.

PowerThrills

Ooooh, it's one of the insurrectionists who found a time machine to go back in time to try to write a book to justify their actions.

gellaho

Lol

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The only thing it got wrong is America's jails are doing great business, just GREAT profit margins.

gellaho

People haven't forgotten the Beatles now, you think they would if one became Prime Minister?

Peter!?

Dr. Mithras

Haha. His future is less dystopian than our present. How depressing

gellaho

Did Peter not know about debit cards?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I seriously don't know how the author can square these two phrases: "the government would only take you away if you had done something that warranted it" and "Bill of Rights. Chuck made a derisive noise." This is utter madness.

PowerThrills

Or even bank transfers?

gellaho

He just stumbled upon the missing kid

PowerThrills

Gotta love that first reaction

gellaho

God, Chuck, you suck

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

I thought this was first first day at work. Why should Zack know him?

PowerThrills

Had to dig deep not to shake that kid

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Oh no, back-of-class Zack is running with the goth kids now.

PowerThrills

Maybe I came into this a little late and this was addressed, but is Psi-man christian?

gellaho

There is no reason for this to be in the book

gellaho

He's a Quaker

PowerThrills

Even better

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He knows EVERY martial art but he can win a fight by shutting down your brain.

gellaho

This dark mysterious man is only known as... Tony

PowerThrills

A historically left-wing, pro-union sect of christianity that often lived in communes

And strongly pacifist

gellaho

Car mind powers!

gellaho

He had to visualize picking a lock, but a car engine is not a problem

So I'm assuming that this is Rommel and they'll meet up again later

gellaho

Otherwise, I would hope he would have chosen a different breed

icy spicy jakesy

Lol there’s just like a roaming pack of Nazi dogs terrorizing this town

gellaho

Nope, I guess not

icy spicy jakesy

Spy man is only friends with one of them

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

He renamed himself Rommel after he talked to Chuck

gellaho

Aikido!

icy spicy jakesy

Lol proof of aikido!

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

We still don’t know Toni Spumoni’s last name huh

gellaho

Oh, that sucks

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

Wouldn't it be a better, more sensical story if he forced the driver to stop the car instead?

PowerThrills

Yeah, so psychic powers affect machines? Like in Maximum Overdrive, could he make a coke machine fire out cans?

John, Servant of Yag-Kosha

There's a reason no one wanted to play with the kid whose power was "all of them" or wished for more wishes from the genie.

PowerThrills

Or just suddenly had "force field"

Classic Superman was that kid

gellaho

Chuck goes to the hospital with his lady friend. His powers are starting to manifest

This Zack kid was on a drug called Snap, so he could be better at the football

icy spicy jakesy

He could hike the ball with the speed of 100 Hogs when on the Snap

gellaho

Everyone, including Zack's parents, are unnecessarily uncooperative so Psi-Man can use his mind force

that's good writing

PowerThrills

Yeah, that's what they told him in the locker room when they gave him amyl nitrates.

gellaho

Then, Chuck's lady friend goes fucking ballistic

gellaho

gellaho

Now, we're in JD Masters territory. Your dick not working is worse than death

PowerThrills

If you take out every other sentence of the last four paragraphs, it's just erotic fiction

gellaho

PowerThrills

Called it.

GnomePickles

Just a question, this author is familiar with how conversations work right? Like he's at least seen people interact while hiding in the bushes watching them, waiting for their guard to drop. So he should be able to at least pretend that one of his characters can talk like a sane person.

gellaho

Psi-Man tried to set up Tony, but Tony kidnapped Linda instead

gellaho

Speaking of bushes

PowerThrills

Because you can't kill someone with knives and clubs?

Quickly?

Times six?

gellaho

He fights these six people with weapons for a little bit and then

GnomePickles

Those special nonlethal knives and clubs with extra blunt tips

gellaho

PowerThrills

Oh, so LARPers

gellaho

boom goes the dynamite

GnomePickles

I am now convinced that the rest of the book is a hallucination brought on by a concussion from the nonlethal clubs.

gellaho

60 pages later, Chuck has been activated

gellaho

Fucking sick

PowerThrills

Again, I'm very confused at him being a Quaker

gellaho

PowerThrills

So it's meant to be a contrast I suppose

GnomePickles

Chuck, reluctant mind wizard. Badass in spite of himself

gellaho

icy spicy jakesy

Lol he snapped and now is burning people alive! All it took was one drug dealer

Even Steele had more restraint than that

gellaho

Chuck has decided to start quipping as well

gellaho

I guess he also unlocked the one-liner part of his brain

Oh, don't you hate when you've gone a murderous rampage and your lady friend turns up alive and well?

That's always embarassing

PowerThrills

So, as I understand it, a black out is just a lapse in memory

Does the author mean he passed out or fainted?

icy spicy jakesy

I think so

He’s not great with words

gellaho

Apparently these bad guys were really counting on him sticking to his religious convictions when they pretended to kill his girlfriend

PowerThrills

Because saying he blacked out sounds more like a supreme court justice nominee defense than a dramatic turn of events

icy spicy jakesy

This all scans, traditionally people who say they’re religious are never psycho killers

PowerThrills

But how or why would they know or care about that?

He's just some dude that can blow shit up with his mind

icy spicy jakesy

Not only do they care about it, they’re obsessed with it

gellaho

This was the expected outcome

ProseAndKahn

I mean, Nixon was a Quaker...

PowerThrills

That's like being obsessed with the fact that Wolverine is Canadian

icy spicy jakesy

“We just thought he would make oatmeal!?!”

ProseAndKahn

“Hey, you know that Quaker who assaulted a bus driver for not being environmentally conscious enough? If we convince him we killed his girlfriend and blow up his house, he’ll just let it slide”

gellaho

These writers just love philosophizing

gellaho

Just sitting in prison thinking about aikido

ProseAndKahn

Captain Ahab was a Quaker

gellaho

Sure am glad we wasted so much time on this relationship

ProseAndKahn

“She put her moist lips on his giant forehead.”

icy spicy jakesy

Oh god if this gets super jesusy

gellaho

Ooh, gold

Really stretching yourself with that name, Pete

gellaho

PowerThrills

This is a weird prequel to Jaws

GnomePickles

Fun dun dun

ProseAndKahn

My name is Chuck Tony Simon, but you can just call me Psi-Man

icy spicy jakesy

“The Complex. It was all so simple. Chuck moistened his lips inquisitively”

gellaho

RIP CIA, FBI, NSA

PowerThrills

"Paint job? I'm no painter... oh, right."

gellaho

Chuck is joining the psychic avengers

gellaho

Fast-forward to today!

PowerThrills

Oh boy!

gellaho

Oh, fuck you. Bending spoons? Really

icy spicy jakesy

Fuck yeah lip action

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I'm back from making risotto. What happened after he broke the goth kid's face?

PowerThrills

Both too much and not enough?

gellaho

He immolated seven men

ProseAndKahn

“Sweat trickled from his gargantuan forehead and moistened his plump lips”

icy spicy jakesy

He went all Ghost Rider and murdered a pack of drug dealers WITH HIS MIND

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

But he's a cool teacher!

gellaho

PowerThrills

So he can shut down a car engine, and explode a house and mindfuck seven men into throwing themselves in the flames, but can barely bend a spoon?

ProseAndKahn

Oh my god, how are there eight conditional clauses about what the sun would look like?

gellaho

Swing and a miss on that prediction, Pete

gellaho

ProseAndKahn

What are the odds that his blond hair is mentioned when he teams up with Rommel?

gellaho

Chuck ends up wearing this spoon on a necklace

PowerThrills

Asked and answered

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Does Chuck give glory to Christ for his miraculous gifts every time he uses them, or just the non-murder ones?

gellaho

OK, Mr Burns

ProseAndKahn

Here’s a necklace to remind you of the ex who dumped you. I made it out of a spoon

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Jesus Christ, I hate this world.

PowerThrills

Wait, what? There's no version of bending a spoon that looks like an A

gellaho

Wrong again, Pete

ProseAndKahn

Can I just say, I love how half the words in every sentence do nothing

gellaho

I would take another crack at this name

icy spicy jakesy

Smithers, the crack shot who was not at all popular in the 90s. Nope, nobody with that name in the 90s pop culture

ProseAndKahn

Smithers is a famously Russian surname

PowerThrills

"I'm sorry, did you you say Roll Bottle?"

ProseAndKahn

Reuel Beutel, he was in the Rural Juror

gellaho

Well, this is pointless

icy spicy jakesy

Fuckin Smithers didn’t even make it a whole chapter

ProseAndKahn

He died offscreen before he was even introduced

PowerThrills

Oh, at least he's just going to "kind of kill" him.

gellaho

The gun shot knocked him off a bridge

End of chapter

Five pages for Chapter 10

A chapter all about a new character killing two other new characters

chef's kiss

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Ugh, this guy dies and the last person he ever interacts with is the assassin version of water cooler guy who thinks his warmed-over Ross schtick is funny.

gellaho

It's called the forc - "insight"

ProseAndKahn

I mean, not just the storytelling, but the writing is so bad. “The blast tore off the top of his skull and he was already dead.” What does that actually mean? Was he already dead when the blast tore off?

GnomePickles

I honestly have no earthly clue how we are expected to follow this story. The narrative is more manic then a jumping spider on meth.

gellaho

Steven Seagal would love all this aikido talk

ProseAndKahn

Aikido>Quakerism, apparently

PowerThrills

Wait, when he learned aikido was he just a regular Quaker?

gellaho

He's actually training by lifting rocks

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Putting my quarter on this mysterious other psychic having tried to project violence into Chuck but discovering he was psi-resistant

gellaho

He chose quakerism first. His parents were Baptist.

ProseAndKahn

I assume Quint is riding Psi-Man like a backpack

“Insight, I call it.”

Is the next line “There is no try”

PowerThrills

So after he chose the Society of Friends, he learned a fighting style?

JCantrell, Alpacaman

I feel like aikido can't be the work out people claim it is

gellaho

Oh, Reuel Beutel is jealous

JCantrell, Alpacaman

"you're not butter bitch, you're the original graham cracker to his honey sweetened version"

PowerThrills

Why does the guy with a made up french-canadian name sound american southern?

ProseAndKahn

Like, pacifism is a tenet of Quakerism, but literally nothing prevents you from being a pacifist within any other denomination. Also, Richard Nixon is the most high profile Quaker in recent history

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Wait that came off sexual

gellaho

Reuel seems like he's not going to be a problem at all

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Turns out official membership into a specific group doesn't necessarily mean your actions will be in line with that groups ideals

gellaho

Here comes Rommel. 100 pages later

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Ruels going to betray quint and kill him out of jealousy and become a bad guy

ProseAndKahn

Do we think all the dogs will be named after a) generals b)nazis c) Germans

JCantrell, Alpacaman

That's my prediction

PowerThrills

With such an insane name, yes, absolutely

gellaho

So much aikido

PowerThrills

It's like when a tertiary character is played by James Woods

ProseAndKahn

Apparently this is a shock to all the people that thought they could control Psi-Man

PowerThrills

of course he's the bad guy

gellaho

gellaho

Aikido will be the key to Psi-Man's Mind Force

and donuts

PowerThrills

"Not for him" Fuck this dude.

gellaho

Put it on your tombstone

Perform aikido and float donuts

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Is it yeasted? Because a yeasted doughnut would break my con-psi-ntration.

JCantrell, Alpacaman

Whenever anyone picks aikido as the badass martial art for their character I know they didn't do their research

PowerThrills

I stand by my last statement.

ProseAndKahn

But they watched at least five Steven Seagal movies! What more do you want?

gellaho

Riveting

Ferroday, Priestess of Evillak

one of the major failings of the Dresden Files

gellaho

No one must know about my ability to sort clothing!

No one!

PowerThrills

"More than one thing at a time. Like flushing the toilet and examining his clothes!"

ProseAndKahn

Oh thank god, I was worried he couldn’t tie his shoes

gellaho

No, Pete, you need to explain why he wore the spoon.

gellaho

Not repeat the same thing again

Chuck's psychic powers can't sense a camera?

PowerThrills

Again, nothing you do to a spoon makes it look like an A.

ProseAndKahn

Look, some people can fly airplanes, some people can cure diseases, some people can float donuts, and some people can do spoon origami

It’s nothing extraordinary

PowerThrills

Not to him

gellaho

I thought that fucking dog would have showed up again by now

Preeminent psychic assassin

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Can't these people light actual fires under people? Choose your words carefully, we're not mind rea--oh.

ProseAndKahn

Isn’t there only one secret service now

Greg

I've only caught up to 5:37 but this book better continue to rule

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

That's what Homeland Security WANTS you to think.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

We're all out of lions. How do you feel about teens named Zack?

ProseAndKahn

No, the book explicitly stated that “the complex” took over for everyone

PowerThrills

Maybe I missed it - when was this book published?

ProseAndKahn

He can’t even keep his own world building straight

gellaho

October 1990

ProseAndKahn

1990

PowerThrills

Oof, later than I thought.

gellaho

Beutel has been about to attack Chuck for 10 pages

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

So were the lions in medias res just to splash page us into paying attention?

ProseAndKahn

Look, David/Peter paid a martial arts consultant $5,000 dollars for three facts about aikido and a drawing of a dog, and by god, he’s going to get his money’s worth

gellaho

gellaho

When I think Rommel, I think unsullied

ProseAndKahn

As a Jewish man, I’d never thought I’d say this, but thank fucking god Rommel finally showed up

gellaho

Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

You have got to be fucking kidding me

PowerThrills

I, I don't...