The Book Cage: Episode 124
The Hardy Boys Casefiles #76: Ring of Evil #1: Tagged for Terror
Welcome, to where it all began. It's time for the Casefiles trilogy that leads to Dead of Night. The world's busiest airport won't know what hit it when the Hardy Boys and The Assassins collide at baggage claim. Join me, this Friday 5pm eastern.
Fuuuuuuuuuck yes.
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We're back, baby!
A little under an hour until The Hardy Boys Casefiles #76: Ring of Evil #1: Tagged for Terror. Here is your preview, including a dead Frank Hardy buried in underwear
Poor sweet Frank Hardy
He died as he lived: Buried under someone else's underwear
Poor guy had to restart for a system update. Happens to the best of us
TSA was formed specifically to keep the Hardy Boys out of airports
BOOK
Time to get tagged
happy suitcase is happy
Hi @gellaho !
oh so they just work at an airport now
Hi @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Hi @Javo Knows the Island of Worms !
Starting off with the jokes
Mike doesn't need this
Mike wanted Fenton, the merry prankster
so is this an early one?
Mike has a family and kids to get home to
This slight sends Joe into a rage
This is either going to turn into violence or hate sex
Hi, @gellaho ! Hi, @Velo, Electric Ghost ! Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave ! Hi, @Slampire, Dying on a Game Show ! Hi, @Javo Knows the Island of Worms !
Not particularly
He for some reason assumed that he could hire the professional detective whose services he had previously employed
I feel like there are a couple of federal agencies that would be better options
haha yeah so they've carved a huge bloody swathe through crime's underbelly at this point
Oooo 1993
Why would he assume he would get Fenton and not his dipshit sons? Does he not know he's in the Hardy Boys?
This airport is in for a surprise
When was the TSA created?
November 2001
Do the Hardy Boys solve cases pre or post-9/11
I am also disappointed that we're not reading about Fenton's awesome life.
ah, baggage theft. A simple innocuous crime that certainly will not balloon out into some insane human trafficking on a rmeote south american island or anything
Joe looking for a rumble
Oh god
Why would anything do that
You sound insane
The Hardy Boys are going to Epstein Island aren't they
HELLO, @Brendo !
So far this is entirely accurate to how two teenage boys would act
Don't lie to the man, Frank
"I just don't want children to die because of a god damn bagging handling case."
"Yeah well fuck you old man."
"I did not need another lawsuit. One dead child in a conveyor belt was enough."
"They're still scraping pieces of him out of the gears."
That's what sunlight does to skin, makes it paler
Eddings is made of high quality leather
Like a tasteful couch
You could make shoes out of his dead skin
"Please explain to me again why he sent idiot children to investigate an actual crime."
Ah, they're stealing valuables. Very unique, baggage thieves usually just take the little travel soaps
I love how much contempt the author seems to have for Joe
"We thought our rep was untouchable as long as Spirit Airlines was around."
This is the storyline that leads to the Halloween special, right?
Hank Forrester, top-notch at manning
That contempt grows
It's Assassins for four straight books! It's like Idiot Christmas!
of all the things to bring in a plucky underdog private investigator, airport security seems like one of the least likely
but maybe the 90s was just a different time
See Frank's there to do his fucking job and Joe's there to serve as bait for sex offenders and murderers
One of them, Dead of Night ties into the continuity of like six different books
I want a noir story starring a bitter, hardened TSA checkpoint guard
Honestly that's kind of impressive for these books
"I've seen too many good men killed by shampoo bottles. Too many."
"You can't see passengers. Just bodies."
"Put your wallet on the tray. As if it makes any fucking difference in this bitch of a world."
Solomon Mapes, a very real name
Whoever came up with the name Solomon Mapes should be fired. Out of a cannon.
"Do I have to take my shoes off?"
"On. Off. Like the dirty light bulb hanging from my ceiling. How many years had it been since she'd told me to replace it? How many more would it be before I did?"
The realest name
Frank noted that Mapes was a real smoke show
It's one of those names that gets worse the more you see it
Solomon Mapes, born on the drapes
I think Solomon Mapes was the answer George Costanza argued over with Bubble Boy
christened with capes
married to... Blakes?
So how much of the book is about Frank coming to terms with his sexuality by fantasizing about Solomon Mapes
Mapes noted this conversation for the inevitable lawsuit
"Just gotta call some people about this and then we'll get this plane started, boss."
I don't see why they would bother to introduce the pilot unless he's the murderer
so everyone start pre-loading a whole lot more jokes about his name
Look sometimes you come up with a name so stupid you have to share it
People demand more humanity from their pilots
Give me my freight division, old man!
There have been no murders, you sound insane again
Hell yes on the new title, @Velo, Electric Ghost
Why would there be murders, this is a simple airport baggage situation
oh yeah I forgot no one's been eaten by an escalator yet
There certainly isn't a family chopped up and stored in the carry on luggage
Solomon carries a knife in his teeth at all times
This is probably fine
for safety reasons
Hi, Sharko!
You go manually release the landing gear, child
Yes Joe. Lower the gear with your hands.
"luckily this plane was designed to be crewed by a pair of strong idiot teens, so you two are jus what I need"
Joe Strong
I'm tugging on my crank, bro!
"I insisted on a plane with a crawlspace. I'm not a killer."
God damn it Joe not now
The Hardy Boys In: The Case of the Collapsing Airplane
This book is fifteen pages of death
How drunk is Solomon? Like on a scale from one to ten
Whee
Soooooooo drunk
"hahaha I didn't fuel up enough for this flight I'm a great pilot hahaha"
Fuck. Yes. Captain Mapes.
Is that what the pilot light is for? Huh. Today I learned
That's eight O's so his liver is currently shutting down
"uh oh there's a 10 minute delay at the runway, our deaths are certain hahaha"
Vroom vroom
"I land all my planes vertically."
Frank: "Please god, if you have to kill anyone, kill Joe."
Also Joe stop jerking
Danger makes him so fucking horny
if this is the level of competency eddings expects from his employees he should actually be pretty happy with the Hardy boys
Mapes not having it
As they crawl out of the debris, they are informed they will receive a survey in the next few days asking them how their experience was
"Get the fuck out of my plane, Danger Sluts."
Yummy fire-retardant foam
I don't think you can call it that nowadays
Eddings just wants to keep two children from being shot by thieves and he's the heavy.
I would absolutely read a series called Danger Sluts
That'll buff out
Fuck, Joe
How many times were you dropped as a child?
All of them
Was your dad too busy holding cigarettes and weeping to keep a good grip?
I think Joe may have recently drowned
Legally he is dead
Sometimes resuscitation is the unkindest choice
The sad thing is this is still the best landing on Mapes' record
So beefy
Seasoned beefy man
Frank can't stop staring at Forrester's tits
If you don't show me your licenses, so help me
...I don't get it.
In other words, Eddings, these are two unauthorized civilians
What is uniform
"I assume you can drive."
Jesus, Joe
Joe longs for the sea
Forrester?!
Hi, @Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger !
Target acquired
Start the death clock
"You lady?"
What's your real name though
I feel like having sex with Joe would be like having sex with a mannequin
That's a half-hearted attempt at a Bond Girl name
That's the fakest name I've ever seen
How old are the Hardy Boys? Is this woman committing a crime?
Joe is 17. Frank is 18. So yes.
This can only end well
Amusement in Frank's eyes means he's thinking about lye
Joe is going to finally be released from his flesh prison
He's going back to the sea
The employee lounge is an ashtray, two road pylons and a folding chair out by the dumpster
Probably just a coincidence
The fact Joe didn't say "heheh duty" on reflex is how you know he's a meat-based crime solving android and not a flesh and blood human man.
✅ Redhead
Shoot him
ALL the bags?
Shoot him Joe
Joe
Please
Shoot him
Good lord, his arms must be twenty feet long
I'm amazed the author didn't have him flop sweat.
I believe in you Joe. I know you can do this one simple thing to end the book early
Frank commandeers a luggage cart
What a dick
"Follow that luggage"
I just got here, is this exciting airport baggage handling thrills?
Curse you autocorrect
Frank that cart is moving at five miles an hour
Hi, @GDC !
great way to be unobtrusive and subtle, Frank
Picturing Blast Hardcheese pootling around in the space floor sweeper
the criminals will never see you coming
like, you don't think maybe it's someone's job to collect unclaimed luggage?
I was so close to... Something
Frank lost him!
No he didn't.
Are we sure that Frank is not racist against leprechauns?
If this was post 9/11 Frank would be riddled with bullets by now.
This airport has fantastic security
I mean he's lucky he didn't get the shit kicked out of him when he stole the cart
Frank found a loose gun
Stop molesting the wall, Frank
The wall was asking for it
He wasn't surprised! He shouldn't have been! He's in the unclaimed baggage section of the airport! Where the unclaimed baggage goes!!
So far, Frank's entire case rests on a collection of novelty bags being picked up
"this thing goes all the way to th top!"
Looks like Frank's brain exploded
I'm not entirely sure that Frank wasn't also recently drowned
"This is a strange place for a room full of bags." Frank muttered.
"No it isn't." Said one of the twenty airport employees watching him hump a wall.
They hit his head until candy came out
wait he really did find a criminal within 2 seconds?
Getting to the head trauma early today
goddamn everyone in this universe is dumb
No, but seriously what's his name
"there's so much stolen baggage, we just can't solve it!" and it's just some guy walking up to the carousel and stealing all the luggage
I'm sorry. I meant Daniel Microtransaction.
So far the Hardy Boys have nearly crashed an airplane, been confused by the concept of uniforms, sexually harassed a wall, and been tricked by the world's most obvious honey pot into likely being murdered
This is his friend Dale Smallchange
Casefile #1, by the way
Joe senses Ted's rich inner life
That's not as bad as his sister, Laura Lootbox
She tries to hang out with her friend Alice Cosmetic Skin Pack
Exposition ahoy
hahaha
They should have called him Dale Exposition.
Oh Danny boyyyy
The card, the card's decliningggg
This is some quality writing right here
"I know the life he is destined for. He shall not waver from this, for yea, it is spoken as it is written."
Oh, there's your problem: the plane had a computer in it.
I'll make sure of it
Joe that's a threat
And just like that, we have intent
Okay, so what I'm learning is that the Hardy Boys are stuck in a Venture Bros. situation and each time they die they're brought back with no memories
"Go team Hardy!"
That is the only logical explanation here
Such a rich base of data
My god. What sort of criminal mastermind could spearhead "losing luggage at the airport".
An international gang of Tumi collectors.
Joe is immortal with a skull of granite. Frank is a robot that only understands trivia and karate.
"sort of a systemic problem, way too big for any plucky underdog detectives to solve"
Turns out there was a perfectly reasonable explanation: all the luggage was aboard disintegrating Boeing planes.
This just got serious
It's time to kill Gina.
Fenton ain't shit with computers, so it's good that Frank is here to use one and Joe is there to blow it up.
The Hardy Boys In: The Boeing Blowup
Simple plan, we start killing employees until the luggage stops going missing.
Oh yeah, these are classic video game rules. All damage erased at end of level, respawns in effect.
As someone who has built baggage handling systems and Boeing parts, I'm seeing a lot of plausible explanations.
Let's just give the kid a peeksie at our employee records
"hey bro, I think we need to take a Long Rest. I'm nearly out of spell slots."
Did we do the microtransaction joke yet?
We did
Proud of you.
Until Forrester wakes up from Joe's apparent hypnotic suggestion
Why the hell do they have his grade average
Joe took particular note of Danny's social security number and the answers to his security questions.
Joe, strangle Forrester.
Joe exhausted all the dialogue options and was annoyed his skill checks weren't higher
The fact that they have Danny's high school grades in their file is the least likely part of this.
that was Forrester's secret file he keeps on all the young men
Strangle him with your meat hooks.
A large crowd just watching Frank's unconscious body ride around on the luggage carousel
anyway Frank's skull is full of blood
Let him cook
See? Classic video game NPC response.
Blood and scar tissue.
"Huh. Boy on the conveyor."
"Ayup."
I don't know how detectives work, do you? No. So this could be how detectives work.
can the Hardy Boys solve the case of the missing cerebrospinal fluid?
Around and around we go
hahaha no one had stopped the carousel!