124: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #76: Ring of Evil #1: Tagged for Terror Franklin W. Dixon

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Frank!" Joe shouted as Frank completed his fifth loop on the conveyor belt.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

these are the worst airpor employees!

Brendo

They hit Frank with Joe force.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Maybe he's detecting something.

gellaho

People just watching Frank for half an hour

FancyShark

Oh Foot Juicer. What have they done to you!

GDC

Back in the 80s it was expected you'd get the occasional unconscious kid on the conveyors.

Velo, Electric Ghost

ahahahaha

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"they don't pay me enough to preserve the dignity of my fellow employees' corpses"

Brendo

And by the way, this is hardly the time, but how do you like Emory College? It's one of my safety picks.

Velo, Electric Ghost

That's so long

gellaho

Very funny, what are they actually named?

FancyShark

An emergency switch? Dude, just pick him up

GDC

This also apparently predates the invention of the estop.

Velo, Electric Ghost

No based on the movie Die Hard 2, which was released 3 years before this, they had those already

FancyShark

I hope every stupid name is an Assassin cover identity

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

We are sure the author has heard names commonly used in the US

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's not their real names, that's just what it sounds like in Frank's head now

Velo, Electric Ghost

They just decided not to press the big red stop button

Brendo

Every character in this book is an anagram of their role, I bet you.

gellaho

Classic Assassin gaslighting

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"Aby Countu, evandalin Crenchain? Murka faloorn."

FancyShark

Abel Cantu is A Nut Cable

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Man. Abstergo is really half assing their sims these days

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

It is taking me so much not to make a joke about Abel Cantu

So very, very much

Velo, Electric Ghost

Forrester don't keep your key ring in your suit coat you'll mess up the lining

Kill Forrester.

Forrester's a clone, possibly a robot.

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

Smoke Forrester in pipe

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Come on, man. Are you an Abel Can'tu, or an Abel Cantu?

FancyShark

That's the sequel to Finding Forrester

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

He's an Abel Cuntu, that's what he is

God damn it I had to

gellaho

I've been hit in the head manytimes

Brendo

Blu Cantrell, baggage handler

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

So Forrester is clearly stealing all the shit right

Velo, Electric Ghost

"I don't have memories, dumbass."

"I exist in the ever changing now."

Brendo

Duh, I been hit onna head so many times, I know how to do it safely wid'out losin my brain movies, said Frank.

gellaho

You know how messy luggage is, where you have to mop up every time you set your bags down?

Velo, Electric Ghost

Frank quietly drooled blood before saying "No you."

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

The Hardy Boys are at least 50% brain swelling

gellaho

Joe sad

FancyShark

That's not what it means to clean out a room!

Velo, Electric Ghost

Yay Solomon's back

FancyShark

"But let me reiterate: She's my girlfriend"

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

This is the end result of decades of leaded gasoline

gellaho

You guys memorize luggage tags, right?

FancyShark

"You are the Prophet"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

meeting gina was not as noteworthy as the other 2 things, Solomon. You obviously just wanted to say "MY girlfriend"

gellaho

Call the Beastie Boys

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

"I❤️PaintThinner". This look familiar to you two boys?

FancyShark

"It's either you two or The Bolt Phantom, Gentleman Thief of the G Terminals 1-6 and 8."

gellaho

Can't stand it, I know you planned it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"only the Batman"

FancyShark

"Just the Mob, the IRA and the Australian Government"

gellaho

You guys stop beeping

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

good joke, Joe

Velo, Electric Ghost

Joe

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Gina will be yours

FancyShark

Gina has a bloodlust that must be sated

Velo, Electric Ghost

joe isn't handling this well

gellaho

I definitely needed this detailed schedule. Thanks, ghostwriter

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

No matter when this book was written, you know that Gina has enough repressed anger at grabby assholes that she's ready for any excuse to kill

In the business, we call this filler

gellaho

Joe loves the tugs

FancyShark

Did they eat? I must know!

Well if it's trackless, it's not a train, is it?

Velo, Electric Ghost

Gottem

GDC

We're all just glad Joe remembered the word train.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

sort of like a car

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

Sort of like a miniature, motorized vehicle… whatever that is

gellaho

A mystery sandwich

gellaho

How intriguing

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

I hate that I love the term "mystery sandwich"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this is indeed a disturbing universe

FancyShark

Well, Joe's dead. You don't eat mystery food at an airport

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

It's so fittingly stupid

Why would you eat it Joe?

FancyShark

Joe hungry

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

At least figure out if it's fucking turkey or ham

FancyShark

It's airport food. He'll be lucky if it isn't rubber

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

I mean rubber comes from trees so it's technically fruit

Velo, Electric Ghost

Joe strong

gellaho

Oh no, if the boys don't consume it could have disastrous consequences

Velo, Electric Ghost

Joe's going to being riding the carousel

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

Iron Joe

On his way to fucking demolish an airport toilet

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Soylent gray is made of Hardy!!

FancyShark

Joe, you haven't even touched your Gray

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm sure this sandwich subplot will be relevant later

Velo, Electric Ghost

Joe tossed his sandwich against the wall

GDC

My office has the same sandwiches.

FancyShark

The sandwich slowly eats through the wall

gellaho

They are going to eat you out of house and home, Danny

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

The sandwich burns in the harsh light of the sun

By day three they've eaten Danny

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they don't have a place to stay?

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

Wait

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they just woke up

it's day 2

were they in a fucking dumpster?

FancyShark

What gives, Danny? I thought your fees were small?

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

You and I both know the answer is yes

And it's because they got stuck in there looking for clues

Velo, Electric Ghost

I thought they had keys to a hotel room

What the hell

gellaho

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yeah but why suspect danny

Velo, Electric Ghost

Danny has done nothing but be an average student

FancyShark

His fees are too small

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's a low level employee and the theft is nationwide

gellaho

Ted's family has money

gellaho

Danny's doesn't

gellaho

The ghostwriter thinks you haven't gotten that yet

FancyShark

Joe doesn't trust the poor

They have less food to share

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

This ghostwriter's a dick to Danny

Let Danny be

gellaho

Joe wants Danny to know how terrible his apartment is

Slampire, Dying on a Game Show

And Joe is once again the worst person in any given room

FancyShark

Geez, Joe. Why don't you spit on the rug while you're at it?

gellaho

LET ME INTO YOUR HOVEL

FancyShark

Everyone stand back and keep your hands well away from the bite zone

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

Velo, Electric Ghost

Danny no

Danny's going to pray for death after this

FancyShark

He's uncomfortable because less than 48 hours ago he was ABOUT TO DIE IN A PLANE CRASH, FRANK

gellaho

Frank struggles with soda

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Frank's about to crack this case wide open

FancyShark

It's fine, Frank. Danny's floor is disposable.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that dish towel is obviously stolen luggage

gellaho

I keep all my illicit luggage tags in the kitchen, too

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

gasp!

FancyShark

Danny stole the tags thinking they were real diamonds

He really needs the money

Velo, Electric Ghost

Real B- average behavior here, Danny.

gellaho

Yes, because luggage tags are the smoking gun you'd want to plant

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"or any other explanation. Like he took them home by accident"

Velo, Electric Ghost

The assassins couldn't have predicted that Joe would respond to this frame-up by framing Solomon Mapes

Beginning a viscious cycle of framing

gellaho

So burly

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Burly Bob Briggs, they called him

gellaho

So many muscled men

GDC

Bob talked their ear off about drive in movies.

Velo, Electric Ghost

This ghost writer is having more fun than most

gellaho

Frank reminds Danny about how poor he is

Velo, Electric Ghost

Not since the heady days of George Swell have we seen a ghost writer set out to ruin someone so thoroughly

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

"Tell, don't show" is rarely applied to dialogue but this author is managing it

FancyShark

Real friends twist the knife in your insecurities

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is how you write a montage in book form

gellaho

Security is pretty tight. Except for when I saw that fat redhead just drive into a private area without any trouble

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

haha fucking Frank. "Gee, this honest labour probably isn't as financially rewarding as other stuff, you know?"

"So, any of you kids know where I could score some stolen luggage?"

Brendo

Chet appears in a burst of brimstone.

gellaho

Forrester likes pretending he's in a spy movie

FancyShark

Forrester is so weird about asking where they got their shoes

gellaho

"It's been one day, dickhead"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"well my brother got brain damage and I found a very suspicious towel"

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Did you know Danny was poor? Didn't say that in his files. He's poor."

GDC

"you moved in together already? What are you, lesbians?"

gellaho

"My feelings are as flighty as the wind, one minute I'll give away company secrets, the next I won't"

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I'm guessing forrester showed them danny's file because he's trying to frame him?

but like it wasn't very incriminating

Velo, Electric Ghost

It didn't even mention that he was poor

gellaho

I wanna go fast

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

I smell a car chase coming on

gellaho

It's McConaughey

GDC

Where are they supposed to be again, Atlanta?

FancyShark

I think so?

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it I knew we should have killed and eaten Forrester

gellaho

Video games have destroyed Joe's understanding of pedestrians as people

GDC

When I was working at the Atlanta airport the only cars the rental company had were pt cruisers.

FancyShark

I'd rather walk

gellaho

They call Lincolns the sharks of the automobile scene

gellaho

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

The Lincoln came much too fast down the ramp, and spent the next few minutes profusely apologizing and swearing this had never happened before.

FancyShark

I can't picture the Hardys' car as anything except one of those plastic cars kids push with their feet

Joe's feet working frantically in the turns

gellaho

Saying "He has a gun" instead of "He's got a gun" is further proof that Frank is a robot

FancyShark

"Oh, should we escape now? Thank you so much. Asshole."

Brendo

This is apparently Frank's first rodeo.

gellaho

An adorable homemade silencer

FancyShark

Spider-Man is shooting at them!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

let's speculate on how a luggage-stealing scam is worth assassinating 2 teenagers in public

maybe the luggage is fueling the nazi war effort

gellaho

Joe going to fight a car with a wrench

Velo, Electric Ghost

Joe strong!

GDC

They're not stealing luggage, they're just losing it and covering it up to avoid bad publicity.

gellaho

Ah, well, might as well change the tire

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

maybe they're performing a ritual to summon their dark lord Luggor, Eater of Luggage

"Lug... wrench... lug...gage... bro, you're a genius!"

"wait no that's nothing"

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Yeah that's nothing and- Joe? Joe? Where did Joe go? Oh fuck."

gellaho

Further evidence for the inevitable trial against Eddings

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"I don't want anyone seeing a couple of filthy teen detectives in my office."

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Also I just found out Danny is poor."

GDC

Eddings is cagey because he knows the Hardy's aren't union.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also, Frank's cover story to Ted and Danny is that he's on the phone with a mysterious stranger

gellaho

Well, if they're returning the luggage, they're just giving you more evidence to work with

FancyShark

And there's definitely nothing volatile in the luggage now

Velo, Electric Ghost

Problem solved

They didn't say the returned luggage had to be bomb free they just said get luggage back

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Eddings that does not mean that. Eddings how do you be that stupid and run an airline?

Brendo

Ah. Thank you.

gellaho

I think you could probably prove somebody sawed through the bolt

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

also Eddings hates the idea of crime deterrants lol

"the crime has stopped. I hate this."

Velo, Electric Ghost

If Mapes is in on it he absolutely planned to take himself out with Eddings

Which makes him a hero

gellaho

After bed, time for an invasion

GDC

Half the planes coming out of the Boeing plant in Renton are like this.

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

a half dozen ninjas is kind of a huge jump

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he expertly moved suspicion away from himself by almost dying

Velo, Electric Ghost

Quick start shooting

Shoot the shadowy figures

FancyShark

"OH YEAH"

Velo, Electric Ghost

Worst case scenario they're cops

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"good thing I kept this lug wrench in my pocket!"

gellaho

The women probably love it

GDC

The Hardy's are getting swatted.

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Joe you don't have pockets."

FancyShark

"That's none of your damn business, Frank"

Brendo

Good thing Joe didn't start blasting...this time.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Shoot!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Forrester runs the actual cops now?

Velo, Electric Ghost

Shoot them!

gellaho

I don't think that'll get you a search warrant

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol yeah this shoplifter is running a, once again, nationwide crime ring

FancyShark

"These statements have nothing to do with each other"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh armed robbery

ok well still

gellaho

Not looking good for Danny

FancyShark

Danny! You're rich now!

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

He's just a collector. Everybody's gotta have a hobby

gellaho

Bye, Danny

FancyShark

The End

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"help me, kind strangers"

Velo, Electric Ghost

"We didn't do anything either!"

"god damn it joe"

gellaho

That's definitely how that works

FancyShark

"And if he doesn't talk, it's not like we pay him"

GDC

Stop talking to cops Danny.

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Ah, the good old "minimum amount of effort" approach to law enforcement

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

lol so forrester's plan is to achieve exactly the thing that pissed eddings off five minutes ago

that'll take the heat off you forrester, good plan

gellaho

MUST CONSUME

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

even when you're smart you're dumb

FancyShark

One does not dump pepper, Joe

gellaho

I wonder what happened to Ted

FancyShark

"Ted got sucked into an engine. When you have a free minute, get a bucket and a sponge."

gellaho

MUST CONSUME MORE

Velo, Electric Ghost

Now they have to break the news to poor old Burly Bob Briggs

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

Joe just starts shoveling the surrounding landscape into his gaping maw with both arms

gellaho

Joe is extremely excited about a fishing rod case

FancyShark

Definitely fishing rod. Not a disassembled rifle

gellaho

How's that any different from usual?

gellaho

Zing!

FancyShark

Gottem!

Velo, Electric Ghost

BOOM

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

this is the kind of oneliner you drop in Casefile 9, not Casefile 1.

FancyShark

It's case file 76

gellaho

Frank looking to get another head injury

Velo, Electric Ghost

But also 1

Gentleman Arch-Thief Badger

yeah, it's like Fallout.

Chronologically it's the very first. Somehow.

FancyShark

The owner is going to know someone was making eyes at their fishing rod case

gellaho

No one, except for the person who did

FancyShark

Frank and Joe immediately open fire

gellaho

Gina, acting like a seven year old who got left out of a game of tag

FancyShark

"And can my obviously being an Assassin help in any way?"

gellaho

I wanna pway detective

Velo, Electric Ghost

Nothing suspicious about that

gellaho

They go to the jail to discover Ted has bailed out Danny

gellaho

Because I guess you can pay bail for suspected nationwide luggage theft

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"hey officer, who's pole do I gotta grease to get my buddy outta prison? Make it snappy, we got more infractions to commit"

Brendo

Federal bail is set at one pizza and a memento diamond tag.

gellaho

And Danny's fled town

gellaho

Because they'll let you do that

FancyShark

He's poor. How far could he get?