The Book Cage: Episode 128
The Shores of Kansas
One man has discovered the secrets to traveling through time: Grant Ryals. As a result, he's pushed forward the world of science and history, achieved wealth and fame, and got tons of time groupies. Also, he fucking hates all of it. He's a human scar with business problems and time travel is kind of sort of there. Step into the future to Friday, 5pm eastern, for adventure and research grants.
That is the craziest title for a book about dinosaur vikings
It's a very exciting book
The book is 20% the word Grant Ryals
I don't know what you are talking about
Should I start a Grant Ryals tally?
Probably not a great precedent for a main character
Let me check with Grant Ryals to see what Mr Ryals thinks of me keeping track of how many times the author writes the words "Grant Ryals"
Coming up on the hour, it's The Shores of Kansas. Here is your preview
So he's a big game hunter time travelling to kill a dinosaur
This is our hero?
So this is Sound of Thunder, the Long Version?
Probably not
That dinosaur did nothing to him
You don't know that
It could be the woman who took possession of his body
Travel back in time to kill T-rex Hitler
I continue to accidentally fall into the Year of Time Travel
Damn you, Scarrow!
Oh of fucking course. Whenever a man wants to be naughty he blames it on a woman.
That god damn shrew thinks I'm not man enough to rip the fabric of space and time apart so I can prove my manhood?!
I'll show her
This would be a great time to share some of my favorite band, Kansas. But, they don't have any songs about dinosaurs or time travel
I guess you'll just have to carry on, my wayward son
I mean, Dust in the Wind is kind of about time travel. In that the progression of time is inescapable
So, instead, here's my favorite. It's a bizarre song about being a stalker maybe https://youtu.be/rM9LuEX2pik?si=KtknMK9d_sbw6u6L
It may or may not be me, who can say?
The early draft of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town was very different
There's that Queen song about relativistic time dilation. Is that close enough?
Ehhhhh, tangentially, maybe?
BOOK
CAGE
Hi, @Velo, Electric Ghost !
Hi @FancyShark !
Ready to hunt dinosaurs to prove Gloria is wrong about how manly we are?!
Hell yes! Divorce lawyers be damned!
Divorce lawyers know nothing about manliness!
It's time
It's always time
Hi, @gellaho !
I wonder if the POPULAR LIBRARY was involved in this
It's popular because a select committee says so
That's the sketchiest name a publisher could choose
Hopefully he came
"Elfin" is not how i would describe the sound a tree frog makes.
Hi, @Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers !
Good news Popular Library also published porn!
So they knew something about popular works!
This was published 1 year before the publisher went out of business
Bob-warr
Surely that's a good sign
Take the fuckin pebbles out of your cheeks and its easier to say "barbed wire."
Chilson really needs you to know exactly how long and shiny everything is
I hope he clarifies
Trees: very long, not very shiny.
Owls: Neither long nor shiny.
Person: Unknown
Anxiety caused by the exposure of his bones, I'd presume
Gripping.
We got us a real Hemingway writing this one.
Hipbones: Not shiny at the moment but could be
Robby loves the word "gleam"
Lenses: Shiny
I'm going to assume this world sparkles like a disco ball until further notice
Not aroused by these signs, but that normal phone booth? That booth can get it!
This is the worst novelization of Friday the 13th ever.
I often poke myself like the Pillsbury dough boy when I'm on the phone
Ah yes, the Arkansas Fingerbang.
"No one will notice the hunter's last name is Slayer written backwards if I remove a letter," said the author.
These are some very specific directions
Grant takes a dirty alley nap in a very uncomfortable position
The Reverse Turtle.
Its not the worst.
Not great for the neck
Used to get me thru school upright.
He wakes to ferally attack the press
Dead mammals! Excellent!
GIMME THEM FERTILE EGGS
Oh his name really is Slayer backwards minus one letter
Doctor Shackleford and His Science Hos.
My precious, ffeeerrtttiilllee, eggsss
"I fertilized them myself"
I like how the most care they can take with priceless relics of a lost era is "hold them gently in the car seat"
This is my boner accent
His horrible shrew of a wife who was to blame for all of this
Well this is an odd one
The leggy dames of the Chronographic Institute
This is maybe the worst way to represent the way a person from Missouri talks in text.
Bitches love dinosaur history
Seems irresponsible to put puppies in charge of time travel
Are you going to tell the puppies they can't be in charge of time travel?
Please keep care of these unremarkable dead things
Hell noooooooohhhh that's how it happened
Yayyyyyyyyy i love reading about not even dry science, but the process of handing over scientific samples.
Tell this one specifically he can't be in charge of time travel
"I would have obtained more samples but I drank the rest of the alcohol. Take me to a hospital."
No fork! You madman!
Im getting a picture of a dude who barely cooks the meat he cooks over a primitive spit he made from some sticks.
Time for ice cream!
Slayr Tnarg has ass worms, is what im saying.
"We gave you two scoops of Do Something Interesting, You Fuck."
"It's rum raisin."
"I'd rather die."
This reminds him of when he told a sexy lady he likes ice cream
Huh
Is this characterization?
Grant, you idiot. You should have said "money" or "healthcare".
You could have said lasagna. Or pizza. Or Oreos.
Now we learn how time travel was discovered by two women accidentally stepping into the past
haha, broads. They take weeks to realize they're not in the right time.
See, them getting details about the past wrong proves it's not a hoax
Somehow
As opposed to simply asking "Hey Frenchies. What fuckin year is it?"
He could've said his wife!
Could he?
He could have said handjobs!
He could have said Swiss army knives!
They make great gifts!
He could have said Mr. Pibb.
Time travel, it just takes hypnotism and good genes
Training someone to do something only 60 people on Earth can do seems...not possible
I guess I'll just time travel, I got nothing else going on
Of course. Why didn't Samurai Jack try this?
Small but lusty
The Fucker Empire was short lived because no one took them seriously during diplomatic missions
Only being able to time travel to millions of years in the past kinda doesnt make you a great time traveller imo. Kind of a bad one, technically.
I do love a tersely written article
Wait a minute. The name of the movie! It's the name of the book about the movie!
"Yeah there was sand. Water. Water was salty. Hot too. Lots of weird little critters. Ate one. Tasted fine. Went home."
"The brontosaurus reminded me of my wife but less of a bitch. The third time it tried to kill me I realized it was more tenacious than her, but also less clever."
"It tasted about the same tho."
A split timeline would be most obvious in the middle of nowhere Missouri
Decide for yourself if this is a cannibalism joke or a pussy eating joke.
I'm going to read it as a kissing joke
Roosevelt wasn't assassinated, so it would be pretty insane to try to prevent it
Oh
World building
Better assassination would be Garfields, because if ANYONE deserved to be rescued from their death it was the guy who spend a week getting his bullet wounds fisted by a man named Dr. Doctor.
Grant Ryals thought about Grant Ryals a lot
BOOOOOOO this is too much introspection in a book about time travelling dinosaur hunters.
Why even give a fuck?
This is an alternate timeline where Teddy was assassinated instead of having his speech take the brunt of the bullet. And then Charles Warren Fairbanks would have been president. HAH. What a wacky world that would be
I mean the writer cant even make it clear whether they are writing badly or implying that Grant is from a different timeline than ours anyway.
Pure. Sex.
Like burned pasta
Again, this publisher also published porn
bow chicka bow bow
Grant Ryals: More Scar-Tissue Than Man
Tell us more about out his thighs
You can really see why everyone wants to fuck him
Sounds like the dinosaurs fucked him too
He uh.........really fucks around, huh?
Guy has some physical records of the finding out, obviously.
Bread of her own bake
Fuck you Chilson
Fuck you for putting words together in that order
"The family member to tend to his personal needs"
ew
It's been a bit sense I felt such visceral contempt for a writer
"family, which of the women would it be most appropriate for me to enslave?" Ryals said, apparently
And now, the book becomes about getting his secretary un-fired
About a week?
Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !
Now that you mention it yeah, about seven days
I'm starting to think this book isn't about time travel dinosaur hunting at all
Damn you, Popular Library Books!
Yeah i cant imagine that an institute dedicated to science stuff would have that much money in a world where any asshole can time travel by thinking about it hard enough.
Damn the extravagance of these scientists I hired!
60 assholes, sir
No, only the 60 most worthy assholes, and they have to look it up on Wikipedia first
Our hero lives in a parking lot
And those losers can only go back 10,000 years!
Mr Fancy Slayr has a whole ass parking spot.
It's so exclusive!
Grant Ryals just pulled a "back in my day" in his own book
I've never seen a parking spot with a bidet before
Again, you can really see why everyone wants to fuck this guy
That's a sprinkler
Well that explains why I was arrested
Chilson heard "Everyman" and thought it meant "aggressively uninteresting and hideous"
You know, the homely one?
Wait
Oh my gooooooooooooood who caaaaaaaaares?! DO SOMETHING COOL WITH DINOSAURS YOU FUCK!
This just became self insert time travel fiction
We going to explain why there's a woman in a cage by the door, or? No? Okay
To keep her from being stolen, duh.
Jeez Grant
No, you are going to hear about this guy's wealth and sex appeal, and how he hates all of it
Betty and Shirley want to go home
No, lets stop and talk about the old hag that used to work the front desk, writer, why not?
We haven't even heard about his preferred cigarette yet!
Damn these sexy women!
Calm down
Youre already fucking around with office shit instead of giving me dinosaur action.
Courtesy: Beat it into your child
Yeah that checks out
"So what if my protagonist was a dick, and he doesnt fuck, and can time travel to fight dinosaurs but instead he has to argue with his boss about whether or not to fire a typist."
I'm confident this 'fired secretary' plot is just the tip of an incredibly interesting iceberg
The board of directors are clearly moving against our dour, boring, unlikeable hero, and frankly I'm intrigued
Damn these haughty scientists I employ!
Next they might fire the intern who works in the mail room
Grant is his boss
More evidence mounting in the "Grant is a dick" category.
Fuck you "Doctor" how many dinosaurs have you beaten to death?! Huh?!
Damn that cashier who wouldn't accept my scribbled check!
You can major in winning acquaintances?
It's a reference to a book
He's saying the guy took a self help course and now he thinks he's hot shit
This book is an adult swim show without the wit
When I come back feral from my time adventures, I expect the phone to be answered
"If my triceratops mistress calls, tell her I'm not here"
THRILL TO OFFICE SCHEDULE CONFLICTS! GASP AT MANAGMENT MISCOMMUNICATIONS! MARVEL!
You know what you have to do to please me, don't you?
zip
"your failure has been in trying to please me," said no protagonist ever
I want my tiny office!
Fuck you writer, you dont drawl "doc" out into two syllables!
You can all relate to this man's struggles, can't you, readers?
Dr Adrian: Science Pimp
This is like reading James Bond but only the parts where he does paperwork.
I bet she does
I've never understood that phrase
Huh
If her husband is on her shit list you might find out.
I love the book cage so much
No idea what that means
Nowhere else can I get this level of aggressive insanity
Anyways let's go beat a dinosaur to death with our hands because our collective wife says to
So Grant tells this fired woman to get her ass back to work, then is convinced not to re-hire her before she gets there
It means "if you can find someone to replace her"
Well thats a weird one I dont see much.
It doesn't make sense because it's a wild turn from everything that has happened up to this point
"Hire her back! Or hire some other person and give them her job. I don't care."
Elinor shows up to inform Grant they've fired his doctor because he didn't use him enough
"Nevermind! I heroically refuse treatment for all my injuries, but we still need a doctor!"
Martin has a point
He's doing a great job, he's fired all the people you liked and replaced them with sexy ladies!
Tactical boardroom action! Thrilling budgetary intrigue!
And he gave himself a huge office
And a parking space, he's doing a great job
He's wasting your money so well
#TeamMartin
Buy the Grant Ryals action figure with 'call Elinor' action! (Elinor sold separately)
This is like if you went to see Fury Road and they started playing My Dinner with Andre
Get good, Marian
Hah! Imagine a lady time traveling
She'd probably stop to marvel at bison!
"I haven't checked recently"
Women. Always looking at bison.
Starting to see why the publisher tanked after this
"No I mean I totally know how many sexy lady secretaries Dr. Adrian has. Really, I totally checked."
This is far from their A game. Which was porn.
I sense nervous tension with my heightened senses
A good writer once told me the key to good writing is, first and foremost, to write to entertain yourself. That means this author is the dullest human being on the planet.
Sorry I got distracted
Later, his sexy secretaries are all over him, while his homely secretary looks on
How are we only on chapter 3
Goooood fuck off with your existential time crisis, you fucker.
It's been three weeks
How dare he touch my copier
Martin sold it
Martin's trying to buy a bison to really impress the ladies
Ladies love two things: time travel and bison
Martin completely sabotaging everything Grant touches
Stimulated by all the sucking
We're gonna get home and find Martin has short-sheeted the beds and sawpped the salt and sugar
Martin burned Grant's house down for the insurance money
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
Forgetting he had already cancelled the insurance to save money
Damn this sexy, pert redheaded time traveler!
✅ Redhead
ooooh pert.
Martin is selling Grant's hubcaps right now
Dude when you cant even be around people within a 60 million year range...........you need therapy.
Pix
