128: The Shores of Kansas Robert Chilson

gellaho

Velo, Electric Ghost

If someone told you this story you would call the cops

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

This writer is one of those guys who thinks he could beat a tiger or a gorilla

gellaho

Later on, Marian comes by angry about Grant's "bitches"

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

If anyone has got no bitches, its Grant

gellaho

I don't see why that's the publicist's job, but sure

gellaho

Toodles

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Hahahahahah look at her, having a great point. I wish she was the protagonist.

Velo, Electric Ghost

I wish anyone was the protagonist

Like that one lady that flashed him once

I bet she at least did something

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Velo wishes the story focused more on the teen nudity

gellaho

Where are my time travel reports!

Velo, Electric Ghost

No you're thinking of the threesome, I'm thinking of the one random lady that was unrelated to the teen nudity

gellaho

Loneliness? Time to travel back!

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I have a feeling she was also a teen

Velo, Electric Ghost

At this point I resent the time travel

It feels like a cruel reminder of the book we thought this would be

gellaho

What a great relationship

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

I feel like this book would have been better if Grant had decided to quit being a time travelling adventurer and sell cars with that guy.

Velo, Electric Ghost

...

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Dude.

Cmon.

Velo, Electric Ghost

I feel like this book would have been better if it was In The Hilarious Tradition of Douglas Adams

Maybe if he had a bicycle

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Youre drowning in pussy but the one girl who obviously didnt give a fuck is the one youre hung up on?

gellaho

It's his time travel origin story

Velo, Electric Ghost

And the whole book was just a series of bicycle puns and then dealing with the author's father's death by playing a song he liked, and then they person who sang that song appeared and thanked him for liking that song

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

It sounds like you didnt finish chopping off that leg, my dude.

Also its weird you think of it like a trap.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Yeah this is a weird metaphor

gellaho

It's going great

Velo, Electric Ghost

DUDE

You cannot drunk call your ex using time travel

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

"Made it out"......did.......did someone nuke Kansas City?

Made it out of what dude? Your relationship? The one she didnt care about?

Velo, Electric Ghost

No that's the correct phrasing for someone leaving Kansas City

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Ive been to Kansas City, its fine. Like leaving the dentists office.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Which Kansas City

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Both of them.

Velo, Electric Ghost

You're brave

gellaho

While wallowing in that, a gorgosaur sneaks up on him

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Hell yeah.

Velo, Electric Ghost

He wallowed in that so long Gellaho had to yadda yadda it

An official note so we know that it continued like that for a while

Also I think we're calling the wrong creature "the monster" here, Grant

It lives here, Grant

gellaho

It actually showed up immediately

gellaho

But there was a four page chase I skipped

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it even the exciting chase is tedious

gellaho

Anyway, his arm is fucked

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Good. I hope its his jerk off arm.

gellaho

Well, best wallow some more

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Thank fuck, hes dying at last.

gellaho

"With a little encouragement, I could have been someone," thought the most famous man on the planet

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

I hope you die and when you get to Hell the devils there make fun of your stupid inadequate dick while they peg you wearing your mothers face, Grant.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Well said

gellaho

Oh, no, my sleeping bag!

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it just die motherfucker

I have lost a good sleeping bag to the woods before, it does hurt

gellaho

"Can you wait here?" He asked the dying man

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

He can literally do nothing but wait, fortunately.

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it Grant found a way to be more boring

gellaho

Grant despairs that he is still alive

Velo, Electric Ghost

As if to spite us

gellaho

The sheer hopeless of length

Velo, Electric Ghost

Grant sucks and also this writer sucks

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"oh no, continued existence," Grant thought apparently

Velo, Electric Ghost

I think we all agree with Grant, Grant's survival is really upsetting

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Fair point

gellaho

THESE DAMN NURSES

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Jesus dude shes just taking your temperature.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Oh god no, the nurses are gonna argue about who gets to give him a sponge bath

gellaho

Grant is once again soothed by imminent death

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Complain when she starts sucking your dick.

Velo, Electric Ghost

Please die, Grant

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Quickly.

Velo, Electric Ghost

The world would be so much better

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

IT HAS BEEN DAYS. YOU LIVED, GRANT. YOU ARE IN HOSPITAL.

gellaho

Well, let's get one more good wallow in

gellaho

THESE DAMN REDHEADS CAN'T KEEP THEMSELVES STRAIGHT

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"nurse, get my ex-wife on the phone. I need to say goodbye to her before I die."

"We're discharging you."

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Also you weren't married."

"WHAT"

gellaho

"Sorry... about the bitches"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"ah, love, that bitterest of battles..."

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Also we fired Elinor again. And then she died. She's dead. Never speak of her again."

gellaho

Well, time to die

Velo, Electric Ghost

Please

Please let this be how the book ends

Just terribly

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Man it would be so funny if he said "I wasnt fair when i rejected you." and she said "Wait, rejected? Did you think I was coming on to you?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"and we sealed all the doors to your office and parking spot to save on the heating bill."

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Martin's filing a life insurance claim right now."

"Two, actually. One for Elinor, one for you in case you die."

gellaho

Psych

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Death, where is thy sting?

Velo, Electric Ghost

How is this story still going

It's not even a story

gellaho

DAMN MY POWERFUL BODY

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

It's just stuff happening to an asshole

I can do that myself if I'm feeling adventurous

gellaho

Oh, well, he's fine now

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Throbbing of head"

FUCK.

YOU.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Discombobulate

Velo, Electric Ghost

I hope he catches on fire

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

I hope time travel gives you prostate cancer.

gellaho

Say no to dope

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Well now I know this dipshit has never been to the Midwest. We love drugs out here.

Cant get enough.

Velo, Electric Ghost

This was before

gellaho

Jo Ruggles

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

A real Missouri boy would be asking if they had more morphine.

Delicious delicious opioids.

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is 1976

Also: Grant's too lame for disco

Really think about how lame that is

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Its a long running tradition dating back to before Missouri was a state.

gellaho

Well, time to wallow again

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is the most divorced book we have ever read

His loneliness and sense of betrayal give him the power to travel through time

gellaho

I AM SO POWERFUL

Velo, Electric Ghost

please die grant

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

How young is young supposed to be?

Velo, Electric Ghost

40

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Because he talks like hes 80

and gonna drop dead any second.

Velo, Electric Ghost

The book might say otherwise but it's a liar

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this writer thinks he's created the next Batman

all he did was terrorize a dinosaur to death and sell its head

even if he's strong and tough, who gives a shit

nothing is happening

AAARRRGHH

gellaho

Lord of the Mesozoic

Velo, Electric Ghost

God damn it Grant it's been three years shut the fuck up

Her name was fucking Nona

gellaho

Later, when getting interviewed, he gets in an ice cream situation

Velo, Electric Ghost

Oh fuck you Chilson

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

these dames sure do keep a fella dizzy

can't live with em, can't live with em, please take me back please please just listen I will do anything

Velo, Electric Ghost

"Some women were still raw nerved on the topic of equality."

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

the cheek of them

Velo, Electric Ghost

How is this book still going

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

How was it only 211 pages?!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and just think, gellaho is skipping the boring stuff

Velo, Electric Ghost

Gellaho is taking even more bullets for us than usual tonight

gellaho

This is probably healthy

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

And theres still no sign of an ending.

Grant, you gonna apology fuck whats her name now or are we gonna keep waiting?

gellaho

A great conversation

Velo, Electric Ghost

This is the most anti climactic book

Largely because it doesn't have a plot

gellaho

Calling Nona's mother somehow solved his lady anxiety

Velo, Electric Ghost

what

gellaho

A great question

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Huh?!

Fuck you?

Yes. Fuck you. Book.

gellaho

Another question is how that previous conversation with Marian led to an increase in her time travel abilities

Velo, Electric Ghost

What

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck you book.

This could have been the central part of the plot but you focused on this fucking dipshit the whole time.

gellaho

And now they're together in dinosaur times

Velo, Electric Ghost

I'm worried this is the middle of the book

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

They should fuck now.

Velo, Electric Ghost

No

No they shouldn't

Grant is an STD

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

No they should so Grant can never time travel again.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah his powers are activated by loneliness

gellaho

How exciting

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that was explicitly stated

gellaho

So hot

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Because fuck him thats why.

Stop doing plot and fuck so we can go home.

gellaho

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW BRILLIANT I AM

Velo, Electric Ghost

She's probably thinking about bison again

"It's not my job to fight dinosaurs" I hate you so much Chilson

gellaho

First time considering that, Marian

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Honestly what you do is more like camping and poaching my dude.

And as far as courage goes he just beheads squirrels and shit.

I felt BAD for the tyrannosaurus.

gellaho

And finally two paragraphs that imply that they are about to fuck, have fucked, are in a relationship, and engaged all at the same time

gellaho

Velo, Electric Ghost

Grant you don't get to say that when you've been pining for your ex so hard you time traveled

Velo, Electric Ghost

If that's the end we riot

gellaho

The End

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

hhahahahah

gellaho

You know it's an exciting book when the only advertisement is for a reference book collection

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

christ

what a fucking slog

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Well that certainly was something,

Velo, Electric Ghost

It has been five hours

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

he's awesome, he's awesome, he's awesome, he's very sad about how sad he is and then he's awesome

Velo, Electric Ghost

Alright burn it all down

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I did two full loads of laundry in this time

so at least something was done that wasn't pointless

Velo, Electric Ghost

Thank you @gellaho

gellaho

We have defeated The Shores of Kansas

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"a great new SF novel"

I argue that is wrong on all 3 counts

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

It is a novel, you have to give it that.

gellaho

So concludes the 128th Edition of The Book Cage

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I do NOT have to give it that

novels have structure

Velo, Electric Ghost

This pain is life affirming. There is beauty and good in the world, and I know that to be true because there are things that aren't this

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Like Doctor Dinosaur.

gellaho

May all your personal grievances give you time travel powers

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Havent yet but theres still hope.

I figure hating Robert Chilson should get me at least to the 3rd century.

Velo, Electric Ghost

He wrote several more books

I'm worried Gellaho knows that

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

Maybe theyre not all bad!

Velo, Electric Ghost

Nope

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

a naked woman being caressed by the path of a spaceship. That's very on brand for him

I'll bet the pilot is the best damned pilot in the galaxy and all the space babes launch their detachable space vulvas at him the second they see him

Flippant Sausage Word Ticklers

At least the covor art is pretty rad.