#6 Photon
This week, we return to Photon for the end of David Peters's/Peter David's series. This time, it's all about our favorite mustachioed cyborg wizard Lord Baethan. Despite this, Warriarr is on the cover again. Join me this Friday, 5pm eastern, for the 138 page conclusion to the Photon Adventure Novels with Photon: Skin Deep
@Brockway be a Photon Warrior who is unafraid to lift a laser to help a friend, and give me a pin
So they've never let him be the badass he clearly is and the book's whole hook is that now he's not a badass?
Yes, a total wimp. I refuse to believe that
If he doesn't spend half the book crushing ass after becoming human, it'll be a disservice to that photo
Brockway
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Biologically, he's already a complete mess.
How so?
He's a robot with hair.
Ahh, true.
is the hair tougher than the armored hide? More heat resistant?
maybe his hair is like...a heat sink.
maybe it gets the heat out of him, rather than keep it from getting in.
anyway, I may be able to make this one, and hope to mock him alongside you all at the appointed time.
sweet
Coming up on the hour, it's the finale of David Peters'/Peter David's Photon series, Photon: Skin Deep. For your preview, here's Bhodi Li getting beat up by Frankenstein
And immediate incest tones
While we prepare for the final round with Peter David's Photon run, let's remember some of our favorite moments from the previous books.
...
And done.
i'm new here and have no context, so i have to ask: is this the literal victor frankenstein from the book, the literal frankenstein's monster from the book, or just a guy whose name is frankenstein
No idea. Probably a guy dressed as the Frankenstein monster
It says costume party, so probably
I don't think many people dress up as Victor Frankenstein
A quick review for anyone that hasn't seen the Photon books before:
This is an eternal battle between Light and Dark, all to get children to play laser tag
It begins!
so, ender's game?
Except the hero is a whiny idiot
Ah, so Speaker for the Dead then.
Heyooo
Pig trees
Unless Ender's Game includes laser tag, ancient dieties, and literal Hitler, probably not
Oh right. Bhodi didn't know who Hitler was
I will not miss Peter David's comedy
Ender was Literal Hitler to the bugs after peace.
metaphorical Hitler, but sure
again, unless the bugs descended from Hitler
We start with an excerpt from Lord Baethan's diary
Actually the monster is JD Masters, Frankenstein is just the doctor named Simon Hawke.
His robo-diary
All Celtans are wizards, but wizard Celtans are especially arrogant.
cyborg wizards...
Despite being awesome and knowing he's awesome, he gets his ass handed to him almost every time
An AI speed-mastering magic is a dope concept though.
Add carolium to the list of fictional materials
Carolium just ionized Nysteel. Mountain men make it all the time.
i wonder if the author had an extremely resilient, or possibly just stubborn, friend named carol
Our mullet technology is light-years beyond you flesh-terrans
Carol = Dopey
Lord Baethan is very modest
"Also, when we succeeded one time, we reset reality"
so is this like a chapter from the POV of the bad guy or are we supposed to like this guy?
This is a good guy
no way
He did cop to being arrogant.
I didn't know Lord Baethan was such a dick
i thought the whole "everyone thinks we're arrogant, but in our defense, we're deservedly arrogant" was meant to be like an implicit dunk on the guy
There's a 10 year old kid who went postal on a virtual reality version of his orphanage
Since when is Leon the leader?
It's unfair that the rest of the team is like: surfer idiot, living turd emoji, ten-year-old orphan, and SPACE-WIZARD-ROBOT
And lady
HAUGHTY lady
Honestly I didn't count her because she deserves her acclaim. She's a warrior princess.
true
Not just a wizard-borg but nobility.
He's a Lord among a superior race.
The closest thing his character has to a weakness is the scraping sound his 3' dick makes when sneaking up on enemies.
I think you mean "Earth boy of only ten years of age"
Parcival the computer nerd orphan.
His baseball bat is a gun.
optical "skills", like he'd be able to see better if he just applied himself more.
"as an arrogant alien cyborg, i am contractually required to refer to normal earth stuff in derisive quotation marks"
You kids have no idea how much a computer weighed in 1986. None.
My computer has determined that Pike sucks
our Radio Shack one ran on CASSETTE TAPES
A Foppon.
also lmao kid hacker, bad guys are screwed, everyone knows hacker rules dictate the younger the hacker the more their hacking skills approach "basically magic"
We had a 1980s laptop which would crush your legs if you actually put it on your lap.
How can you be arrogant when you are on a small team that includes Bhodi
I am entirely convinced Foppons come from a methane planet
"Pike is a coward and will get us all killed. There, I said it."
you need that giant head to float in the bogs.
You are wise beyond your time here.
Here, this will contextualize the quagmire you strolled into: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PIMquC33X0
Unfortunately he mostly just hits people with his bat
oh god, is the book the novelization of this show or the other way around
I think the relationship is tenuous
There was an attempt at a second series of books too
this poor soul in the helmet looks like he's regretting his entire career trajectory
it's a novelization of a TV adaptation of a laser tag game.
Written by a guy best known for Star Trek tie in novels.
There is a massive Japanese presence in the production of this show.
I cannot overstate this. This is a book series designed to sell laser tag to children that started with Hitler, D-day and the Holocaust
his Incredible Hulk run rules though.
The TV show is practically irrelevant
that's wonderful, i can't wait to see the rest of this
...we should interview him.
Demand answers
Tivia of Nivia, fresh off pretending to be a space pirate
The child soldier they recruited for their space battles went back in time and didn't know what the holocaust was.
ALL HAIL, TIVIA OF NIVIA
i get the sense that "tivia is the opposite of pike" is a genuinely devastating dunk on pike
WHO VACATIONS IN BOLIVIA
When he learned about it, he thought it was totally UN-tubular.
See? Invisible ninja princess owns.
And Christopher Jarvis aka Bhodi Li: Cosmic Moron
I'd be sick of Bhodi Li's shit too if I were awesome by birthright.
"Also, we have an idiot teenager that thinks with his dick."
Both Bhodi and Parcival qualify for this
i have to admit "there is probably a high teenage mortality rate on earth as parents become exasperated with their young" made me amused for the actual reason it was intended to
Bhodi Li: lacks the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old.
Bee-de-beep: My superior processors calculate no chance of the victory you just won, earth-human.
You are a humanoid, Baethan
haha "there have been several times when the only reason we didn't all fail and die was because this kid is really stubborn but i sure hope he becomes less stubborn"
haha
From Baethan's view we're all Celtoids.
I expected better from Tivia too, Baethan.
"We all were waiting for the two seventeen-year-olds to bone."
Somewhere Prince Samuron of Gameron is weeping that Tivia could do so much better.
Don't do this, Peter
I don't think lack of emotion is why you aren't calling Bhodi a friend
You're not writing Data here, Peter. That book's due next week.
Intergalactic laser tag
Arrogance: not an emotion, more of a vibe.
I'm glad Peter David is going over all this again in book 6
"We could just send out robot drones to shoot all the crystals with no risk to our living operatives but that would be emotional"
Just admit you don't know where they come from, Baethon.
MOM, a computer created by cosmic beings from before the creation of our universe
100 years is a cheap charge length.
so this guy's role in the team is "exposition lord," huh
In case you forgot
That's barely enough time to invent modern industry and ruin what the crystal made.
Arryans!
The warlord of Arr looks like Nightmare Patrick Starfish.
And now we introduce each of the Arrians
He looks like a sex doll of a vampire anteater
We all sense the tension between the Warrlord and MOM, and expect it conceals attraction.
wait so if you crystal'd earth would it actually reverse climate change or does it only work on planets that are uninhabitable for "normal" reasons
MANDARR, the former man
"soldarrs" are you kidding me
BlueAmaranth is going to fit right in here.
WARRIARR
Aka, this asshole
Who gets rekt every book
i'm not sure i'm ever going to recover from "warriarr"
Oh it gets worse
Evan Kyley of eArrth, you have been chosen to be the one rad bad guy.
so we're all reading these names with a pirate voice right
DOGARR, the scorpion?
There is also a pirate Arryan
i feel like cyborg wizard is secretly fond of dogarr and it genuinely pains him that he can't reach his full potential
"But that one's named Bugarr..."
PIRARR
A true engine of destruction, with his two stumpy le--I'M SORRY I CAN'T KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE
Dogarr only pawn in game of life
He has stumpy legs for leaping considerable distances.
BUGARR says fuck you
god help us all
What makes a claw a phaser claw?
Well like...picture a baseball bat.
Blunt weapon, right?
But now it's a phaser.
DESTRUCTARR
That, but for sharp.
Motherfucker, ALL of them spend too long gloating
Opinion: there are too many Arrians
Not to mention HITLARR
And the time Bhodi Li went evil and became MURDARR
they should do one called ARRISTOTLE who just tries to persuade you into surrendering
i mean surrendarring
Plenty to pad out a book length by introducing each one each time!
Hitler's arrian name was Failed Arrtist
Lord Baethan completely forgotten the events of "Photon: In Search of MOM"
ok but what if the good guys fire a phaser at it after that
Sorry. Remembering things is emotional
DOGARR and BUGARR have never done anything
It's like a fertilized egg.
You can knock all day, but the inn is full.
Not true. Dogarr failed to eat Parciva- okay, you're right
does that mean the arrians can't darkify a planet the good guys already lightified?
Peter David forgot these are stupidly called "projectons"
Not for 100 years
Peter got the 'i' key fixed on his keyboard
why aren't they Projectarrs
also wow that's really on the nose re: the laser tag thing
Kinda seems like the robot should write faster
There are infinite planets, what are you guys fighting over.
wow i just assumed the entire book was going to be the memoir
"I just really like volcanos."
He seems pretty emotional about being distracted from his book.
Gross
ewwww
Zero to creep in record time
This robot wears a communicator and uses a computer.
It is a cosmic chess match between the cosmic beings PHOTON and NEUTRON
You ARE a computer
He's a Mac
Not electron?
the evil one is NEUTRON
oh honey
Well ain't this some Gray Force shit.
Neutron doesn't even make sense, it's photon not proton
Peter David has a loose understanding of the atom
yeah i had no idea what i was in for
Is it a hitler?
Girls do have lovely legs though. Ah, to be 17 and own a laser gun again.
Photon is a particle of light, it isn't really the opposite of a uncharged particle
The third book was very, very stupid
The evil computer was called DAD
....
DAD imprisoned MOM
did mom absorb his code at the end like an anglerfish
I know I say this every reading, but Peter's clearly working out issues through these books
Grosser
is there context for the hat
I don't like the implication that the 10 year old thought the 17 year old was checking him out
oh right, this is the "earth baseball hat"
He just didn't want the turd to feel bad.
He has a Cleveland Indians baseball hat. I don't know why it's so important to him
He lives on a space ship because he doesn't care about Earth
"i've lost my hat! my memorable design and distinctive silhouette...ruined! how will the viewers recognize me now"
I dunno, I think it's kinda nice that the 10yo kid is out in the '80s.
The only thing he values from his homeworld is a racist caricature.
Don't let him hear you throw shade at him. He's a hair trigger away from genocide
Everyone is trying to impress MOMMY
We should let the Arrians have Ryde, it's already half-volcano
what a waste to name a planet ryde when there aren't even any good places for motorcycles on it
"Shut the fuck up about Celtar, Baethan"
It's got an antagonistic orbit with planet Dye.
Hahaha, Lord Mage Robo-Baethon, the Ultimate Warrior is also the champion climber.
Bhodi Li: Cosmic Moron
Okay, is anyone fact-checking, or is he like my insecure friend Walter growing up who could totally have hit that ball if he'd wanted to?
I have 500 mummies in this backpack, and every one of them knows how to eat a pussy better than you, Bhodi.
it would be really funny if they ever actually went to his planet and everyone there was like "baethon? you mean that huge nerd nobody respects?"
Slacks?
"Who the hell's Baethan? Wait, are you talking about Benny?"
No mention of the exposed arms being a problem
Pictured: Space Slacks
Ordinarily she would be a whitesnake video, but the '90s style was zooming up on us.
"Bhodi's dickbasket remained hollow and concave"
Lord Baethon is the Vanilla Ice of his homeplanet. Wins at everything, respected at nothing.
I just realized Warriarr is going back for seconds after the last time he and Bhodi shared a cover
They do frequently forget about those transporters
Bhodi and Tivia grew up to be the Lockhorns
They had portable transporters in the first book, but apparently they need the spaceship to do it this time
Peter has to remember how teleporting works in each of the franchises he writes for, which is at least 3. It's understandable he mixes it up sometimes.
Tivia busting out the wolverine claws
Bhodi, don't lecture a woman on how to use claws. Especially when she's wearing them
Yes bodhi, weapons are meant to hurt people.
Bhodi - "you could, like, stab someone! They could get hurt! Isn't galactic war supposed to be goofy laser tag?"
No evolution in Photon land
The Lazer Tag show was set on earth and the alien warriors came to you. very considerate reversal.
Also I'm glad to have new blood here @BlueAmaranth or should I say BlueAmarranth!
Of course if you were a Photon character infiltrating us your name would be Betrayarr
Blue, weren't you here before? Your name's familiar.
yours is too, actually--possibly we're both in another server?
Bhodi Li gets in a fight with a bird
No, I only play Photon with this one and our side-project.
it's a mystery then! i don't think i've been in this server before
A hawk with longer beak and talons? Like, an eagle?
Unless you backed that Little Nemo kickstarter, I was there for a short while.
oh dang, was it a barrd the whole time
doesn't ring a bell, i'm afraid
Damnit bodhi, we just got done explaining how rare life is on this planet. That bird is probably endangered.
I don't think birds go searching for eggs to hatch
they don't, but some types of bird will try to brood an egg/something that resembles an egg if they see it
Birds like shiny things
Peter should have looked up with a solenoid is before he used it as technobabble.
i've seen a video with...i think it was a duck or something? doing an instinctive series of behaviors in response to the sight of an egglike thing near it, rolling it under its body
Seems like if the bird was big enough to carry this, Bhodi shouldn't have had such a hard time shooting it
Bhodi knows big birds are there to teach you through songs and to talk to Snuffilupigus
That bird doesn't have to explain itself to me. Sit on anything you want.
Such mysterious alien technology
garrdians
I feel like talons would do a terrible job holding a perfect sphere.
the call was coming from inside the house
made of crystal
You know its surface area is vector
Only the bad guys do the Arr thing
It's scratched all to hell
but if you say it out loud, it's the arr thing! it was in code!
Bhodi Li with the hip lingo
tivia would have been fine if bhodi just let her do her thing
typical hangsplaining
Bhodi would have grabbed her legs regardless
true
Why make these two 17
Nevertheless, he was at his full 3"