27: Skin Deep David Peters

FancyShark

"They took my staaaaaaaff"

BlueAmaranth

this dude should be having a crisis of conscience over what his people have allowed by their elitist inaction

choosing not to intervene is still a choice, baethan!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I am fleshrot and I judge Celtan society to be lacking.

BlueAmaranth

let's all rise up and steal their cyborgification machine

seize the means of cyborg production

gellaho

Baethan sees a man with two canes, one of which is giant

BlueAmaranth

except if you have a name like "fyasco" or "bygjerk" you can't be a cyborg

steal the cane! steal the cane!

gellaho

The man attacks the stalker without the help of Baethan

gellaho

And it's a blind black man. Really stretching the brain there, Peter

FancyShark

"Then you won't need your eyes!"

BlueAmaranth

i like how the guy hears "look out behind you" and instantly understands that he needs to whip around and bludgeon someone

what if it had been like, a little kid that was distracted and about to collide with him

WHAM

gellaho

TELL ME WHY YOU DON'T SUCK LIKE ME

FancyShark

"Couldn't kill yourself? Then you're a failure just like me!"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

This old guy rules.

gellaho

I think he actually encountered a magical black man

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He's the only character to call an idiot an idiot.

GDC

Baethan just met Black Stick.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Wow, that two-cane-swinging old guy did three magics in two minutes.

gellaho

Goddammit

BlueAmaranth

i knew it. i knew it was going to be a magic guy

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

PIKE

gellaho

This is what I get for forgetting they have a shapeshifter

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

the turd?

FancyShark

Yep

BlueAmaranth

oh my god i didn't get immediately that it was pike

wow

beloved character actor pike shapeshifterguy

"our friend is having an emotional crisis after an immense personal loss. what should we do"

"i was thinking we could try talking t--"

"ELABORATELY STAGED CHANCE ENCOUNTER WITH A WISE DISABLED MAN"

gellaho

Peter really is working out some parental shit

BlueAmaranth

why are high school bullies in fiction always literal murderers

gellaho

No, they didn't

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

TMZ: Pike put on blast after "problematic" casting of race-switched martial arts master

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Nah it's standard '80s villain my dad owns a dealership

FancyShark

dude

BlueAmaranth

come to think of it, shouldn't baethan's beloved friends and compatriots be kind of offended that he was more willing to listen to some random earthman than them

FancyShark

They read his memoir. They know how he sees them

gellaho

The teens cut off the power and phone lines?

BlueAmaranth

in the memoir: "i'm prepared to have an epiphany as long as literally anyone but pike broaches it. god, what a loser"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

HELLO BHODI LI. WANT TO PLAY A GAME

BlueAmaranth

this is premeditated murder

how does anyone other than bullies survive to adulthood in fiction

all high schools are just the purge

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

This is CONSPIRACY TO COMMIT

gellaho

"I think we're being attacked, go outside where they are. You'll be safer there."

BlueAmaranth

"run across the street to the Meyers! they're going down with us"

FancyShark

It really is the Purge

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Pretty crummy that finally he's the one who needs help and MOM isn't answering the ring.

FancyShark

The prosecutor's going to have the easiest case of their life

gellaho

What are you implying here

FancyShark

Yep. Easiest case ever.

BlueAmaranth

really on the nose with the villain motivation here

[breaking several more of chris's ribs] "I'M ACTUALLY JUST JEALOUS"

gellaho

Peter

BlueAmaranth

[kneeing him in the crotch] "I HAVE A TROUBLED HOME LIFE"

gellaho

It's the dweebus to save the day

FancyShark

Yes! The wizard is here to beat the shit out of the teenagers what the fuck is this book

BlueAmaranth

pike and tivia could also have just helped out with this instead of trying out line reads

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

hahaha, you dweebs got beaten to death by a scottish alien who didn't even have his magic sprockets

gellaho

Seems legit

FancyShark

hahaha

icy spicy jakesy

Lol wait what

He was able to flick a live wire perfectly up to the gun?

FancyShark

Time to ride the lightning, abused teenager!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Lawyers are bad parents, message received, Pete.

gellaho

Weird

FancyShark

Then Baethan severed his neck, just to be sure

gellaho

What

FancyShark

Yes he would have

BlueAmaranth

baethan has recognized that he exists in a fictional universe and has already worked out how to exploit narrative tropes to his advantage

FancyShark

Oh wait, I get it. Because Rick in Casablanca felt sorry for himself the whole movie only to kick ass at the end. Fuck you, Peter

BlueAmaranth

"it's more dramatic if i come through the window, which ups my chances of winning"

gellaho

Gross

BlueAmaranth

BAETHAN NO

FancyShark

:grimacing:

BlueAmaranth

beyond redemption

let him perish in his flesh body

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

After 100 your counter resets

BlueAmaranth

yeah but he's been a cyborg for 100 years and before that he had to get to the top of his field as a pre-cyborg

gellaho

According to the lore of this series, people have to play Photon in a center to be recruited. How does he not know how this works

BlueAmaranth

so even then that probably puts him at like, 45

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Technically he's only been a human for like 3 years aggregate, that means Kathy's the reprehensible one.

BlueAmaranth

so is the idea "if you simply badger your parents into paying for you to play laser tag, you too could get recruited for intergalactic space fights"?

gellaho

Why is this happening now Peter

gellaho

Is this a public service announcement they made him put in here

FancyShark

"Yeah, we're training cops to shoot kids. It's fun"

BlueAmaranth

"remember kids, if a police officer executes you on the spot for carrying a toy gun, it's your fault"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

God, imagine only wanting to make a fun game for kids and then having to address the number of children shot by police playing your life's work.

"Pete, love the outline. Listen, we got some notes from corporate."

gellaho

"I've turned your corpse into a puppet!"

FancyShark

"Take out the Hitler stuff?"

"No, not that"

Holy shit, Parcival

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

so on other planets, like...are the Photon recruitment centers in dying malls? What's MOM's plan with the demise of retail?

is there some communist entertainment on Bolovax Vix titled PHOTO LASER PLAY GUN GAME VERY GOOD 20 MIN MAX?

FancyShark

What's the attrition rate on recruits? They have like six people

BlueAmaranth

gotta run for now, but i look forward to reading the rest of these images later

FancyShark

Later @BlueAmaranth ! Good riffing with you!

BlueAmaranth

likewise!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Thanks for enriching our fun, @BlueAmaranth

gellaho

Baethan decided to throw away all this personal growth

icy spicy jakesy

Lol

FancyShark

Pike only taught him to solve problems with a stick. This is really Pike's fault

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Bhodi Li was just Jane Goodalling this whole time

gellaho

Robo-racism is a real problem

gellaho

Have a good night

GDC

You're good at this!

FancyShark

"Also, I discovered how to electrocute assholes without my powers"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

These cyborgs are really snotty considering they're made of aftermarket parts.

gellaho

LASER TAG TO THE DEATH

FancyShark

hahaha

GDC

Wait why is the one on earth a non lethal children's game, then?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Tivia is done with all this shit forever.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

So the Celtans can feel superior.

FancyShark

You picked him, Tivia

gellaho

Unnecessarily complex for a death game, I'd say

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Parcival only exists to know more about the galaxy than Bhodi.

gellaho

Excuse me

FancyShark

what

gellaho

These are for children, Peter

FancyShark

Remember how we explained the rules and layout at the Earth Photon arcade, kids? Well here's the payoff!

gellaho

He brought his finger blasts up

FancyShark

So Tyrade's just off doing his own thing?

gellaho

Having fun, kids?

gellaho

Haven't heard from him

FancyShark

"Yaaayyy!"

gellaho

Deadly finger blasters

GDC

Peter missed out on calling them Ferrophages. A cooler name and also more accurate.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The fish eat robots.

Here we see our protagonist murdering his friends for the sin of intractability

gellaho

Retract the finger blasters

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

CHEATERS

FancyShark

"You also killed our head of medical science, so the cyborg program is indefinitely suspended"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Tyrade shows up and Oprah-bombs them all into hu-mans

FancyShark

:fingers_crossed:

gellaho

Turns out Celtar is an ancient wizard

FancyShark

"You might even call him the Grand Wi-"

"No"

gellaho

MEANWHILE

FancyShark

Their celebration champagne went flat decades ago

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

That's Warrlord to you

So did Tyrade like...die on the volcano planet?

scuse me, dye

FancyShark

Tyrade was on set one day. They couldn't afford more than that

gellaho

gold's expensive, man

gellaho

Baethan is going to try to get in there while he's human

FancyShark

Uhh

Baethan?

icy spicy jakesy

Hahahaha

FancyShark

She's not 13, but c'mon, man

icy spicy jakesy

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STEP-BAETHAN

FancyShark

"Having fun, children?"

icy spicy jakesy

Yeah he’s just trying to get his dinky stinky while he still can

Miss 100% of the shots you don’t take, yada yada

FancyShark

"That is so not the message we should be conveying through a middle-aged man flirting with underage girls, Pete!"

gellaho

There's a Photon crystal on the planet. It does not behave correctly

FancyShark

"WE MAKE HOLES IN TEETH"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Bhodi saved your life and you're going to slither in on his star-queen

FancyShark

Somehow this is still Pike's fault

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

No record of seismic disturbance if you don't count the one that just happened.

gellaho

Luckily they are weak to the laser bazooka

FancyShark

Carry the crystal! Don't shoot it and lock it away from the Darkness!

gellaho

The first time they shot it in summoned rock creatures

FancyShark

Oh

gellaho

Arrians are going to take a spin

gellaho

Hey look, the exact same thing

FancyShark

The Arrians winning streak continues

gellaho

Bhodi thinks he's got it

FancyShark

Oh, it's Ego

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Mogo doesn't socialize with Photons

gellaho

Goddammit

Fuck you

FancyShark

hahahahaha

gellaho

Fuck you, Peter

FancyShark

yeah, fuck you, Peter

gellaho

Unacceptable

FancyShark

"They can't tie this back to me if I say it wasn't written by a comic book writer!"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

So is it Mogo or Ego?

gellaho

Better late than never

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

There's a Leon?

gellaho

He's a lizard man

he has a bazooka

that's the extent of his character

Seriously, that's it

FancyShark

The bazooka shoots down starships. That's why he never accompanies them

Okay, one occasion

Since Peter wants to be nitpicky

gellaho

Arrians are about to get fucked up

gellaho

FancyShark

"My incompetent minions! NOOOO!"

gellaho

They're fighting for the whims of cosmic super beings, but they aren't interested in this situation

FancyShark

Baethan, you were on the other side of this argument yesterday

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Tyrade is God

and the wizard does nothing to stop him

FancyShark

He's too shiny

gellaho

I know the feeling

gellaho

He's got this godlike power, but has been repeatedly defeated

Makes sense

FancyShark

huh

So it's also an un-guyenizer

gellaho

Only finger blasting can defeat him

FancyShark

womp womp, wait, puppet

gellaho

Baethan can do real magic now

FancyShark

Laser tag!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

How far DID he come? He hasn't even had magic for two days.

gellaho

Bhodi Li convinces Tyrade to fire at the crystal to summon Celtar

Apparently that's it

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Defeated by a cranky old man who says get off my lawn

and then BECOME my lawn

FancyShark

Once again, Baethan is denied victory so Bhodi can be the hero

gellaho

Peter has given up

icy spicy jakesy

Hahaha

Ok fine I’ll do it if you leave

Ok bye

FancyShark

Petulant god-planets. Laser tag!

gellaho

In two pages: unstoppable villian defeated, Baethan is a cyborg wizard again

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Bhodi and Tivia are an item somehow

gellaho

FancyShark

She confessed to him at the end of book 4, went through exile and restructured her planet's society for him in book 5, and she still clearly sees she could do better

gellaho

And just like that, nothing was learned

gellaho

What? No

FancyShark

"It's good my 13 year old sister will remain thirsty for your dick, cyborg wizard"

gellaho

Nooooo

Peter David, you asshole

icy spicy jakesy

“She can use it when she testifies against me”

FancyShark

NOOOOOOO

gellaho

You can't end it all like that

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Twist: 100 celtan years is 12 earth years

icy spicy jakesy

What I’m hearing is Kathy is actually a dragon

gellaho

How dare you sign this

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Curse you, Beleo Dand!

FancyShark

"Free. I'm finally free."

"Mr. David, we need you to answer some questions at the station."

gellaho

We beat Photon, I guess

FancyShark

Pyrrhic victory is still victory

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

And just like that, we're done.

gellaho

That's it for another Book Cage

FancyShark

Thanks, @gellaho !

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

my God, what stew brews in the subconscious of that cage

icy spicy jakesy

Ugh that title is so much creepier what with all the child wooing

Skin Deep huh Pete

gellaho

FancyShark

"You don't understand! They okay'd Hitler! I had no choice!"

GDC

I wonder what his body was traced from.

icy spicy jakesy

Tivia: still not black!

gellaho

It's amazing they never figured that out

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Bhodi Li now blonde

race is a construct, space is a race. You do the math.

gellaho

I believe the Photon energy turns him buff and blond

icy spicy jakesy

Construct is a space?

gellaho

That is canon in the book

icy spicy jakesy

I wasn’t good at transitive property

gellaho

No more Peter David until November 1st

FancyShark

That makes the whole not-knowing-about-Hitler and the Arrian stuff even worse

gellaho

That's Psi-Man day #2

FancyShark

Well, that was fun as hell to read through with everyone

icy spicy jakesy

Rommel the Dog is back I see

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Oh DAMN

timely reading

yeah that was a really good one

GDC

Thank you for doing this, @gellaho, I hope this series rots in Book Jail.

gellaho

Peter David worries me

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Thanks for your herculean devotion, Gellaho.

icy spicy jakesy

When we’re introduced to his cat, Purrrmann Goring, then I’ll be officially worried

FancyShark

Or his turkey, Joseph Gobbles

icy spicy jakesy

Hahaha god dammit

gellaho

I also found out recently that Peter David wanted his name on Photon and Psi-Man

FancyShark

So the publishers changed it? Weird

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I'm gonna scrape up some food. thanks for the laughs, friendos.

FancyShark

You too, Brendan!

gellaho

Night night