27: Skin Deep David Peters

BlueAmaranth

the target demographic of 10 year olds can only relate to characters up to the age of 17, after that they're old

gellaho

Your heroes, ladies and gentlemen

FancyShark

The End

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Cloud scraping is way better. Tivia is the real hero.

BlueAmaranth

wow, nobody even noticed that baethan went off a cliff

i'd say that must be a real blow to the ego but that would be an emotion

gellaho

I think this literally happened to Bhodi Li two books ago

BlueAmaranth

baethan has a video game inventory

gellaho

Any guesses on the name of the gold cyborg

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He's a wizard, he has a bag of holding

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

AuRRic

FancyShark

Goldan?

BlueAmaranth

....celtarr

my god. it goes all the way to the top

the battle was lost before it even began

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Baethan gets an evil twin!

gellaho

TYRADE

BlueAmaranth

wow, the author really did mix this up with TNG

gellaho

He's got a lot of opinions and he's going to be mad about it

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

When Tyrade was banished, magic was only up to six levels.

You don't hand a gun to an ape.

FancyShark

@gellaho would disagree with that

gellaho

Baethan sucks

FancyShark

"Just yanking and pulling at his staff"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

did he just got a wizard handy?

He force-choked his chicken

BlueAmaranth

oh no! first the hat, now the staff

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Wait, the photon gun did NOTHING?

BlueAmaranth

this is a dark day for our heroes

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

it leveled Berlin last time

gellaho

Emotions, whaaaaaaa

icy spicy jakesy

So the new guy is just Flexo to Baethan’s Bender

BlueAmaranth

i hope he puts on silver spray paint and masquerades as baethan to deceive the rest of the team and they all completely fall for it and baethan realizes they never really understood him past the surface level at all

gellaho

What a coincidence, just running into an ancestral foe

BlueAmaranth

he goes back to his memoirs and violently crosses out the part about how he would consider them his true and dedicated friends if he had feelings

FancyShark

Not even a good paint job. Just one pass, huge gaps in the coverage

BlueAmaranth

ahahaha "i know i sound like i'm lying, but have you considered...you're evil?"

"wow, you're right, i AM evil! you must be telling the truth"

gellaho

I have questions about what Peter David thinks a gun looks like

icy spicy jakesy

Yeah that description makes it sound more like a dragon to me

gellaho

Sure, why not

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

That is true though. Shitheels think everyone else is a shitheel.

BlueAmaranth

baethan, screaming: "THIS IS A PURELY LOGICAL RESPONSE! LOUD VOCALIZATIONS INCREASE THE PROBABILITY OF MY RESCUE! IT'S NOT BECAUSE I'M UPSET!"

FancyShark

"Thanks for entering the room on the dangerous side of the gun"

oh wait, cage

BlueAmaranth

is the gun gonna turn baethan into a bad guy

FancyShark

Worse. A human coward

gellaho

Having fun, kids?

BlueAmaranth

nooooo not the bird :( what about the eggs in its nest

FancyShark

Just like your parakeet. That's right. Peter David knows what you did.

gellaho

Losers

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Mandarr, you chauvinist

FancyShark

"Shouldn't we warn the planet's population?"

"Nah, they had their chance."

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

"This planet already sucked."

BlueAmaranth

damn, i didn't think they would have the guts to let the bad guys have a planet

but like, what do the bad guys do with it now? does this mean they can live on it? or are they just griefing

FancyShark

It goes in the "win" column and they do the whole thing again on another planet

GDC

Wait wasn't this already a darkness planet? Or did they just fuck off and forget about Baethan?

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

It was a regular null planet

you know, the kind ruled by Neutr--d'oh!

gellaho

Everyone sucks

icy spicy jakesy

Why isn’t it the Darrk Destroyer

BlueAmaranth

wooow, that's just cheap! they won fair and square and the universe is flipping over the game board

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

"Mandarr, you glorious motherfucker, you did the impossible and beat the protagonist! Tonight beer and whores are on me! Warrlord out."

FancyShark

Letters are expensive, okay?!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Hahaha

They converted a dying planet.

BlueAmaranth

although, like, i'm still unclear on what if anything they were going to do with it, and if there is any sense whatsoever in which an intact darkness'd planet is more useful to them than an exploded one

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Enjoy your Krypton, Mandarr.

gellaho

Projectons are back

GDC

But it's named after a letter!

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The book already lampshaded that nobody knows why.

I bet Peter David had cool ideas for this, and they kept telling him all the crap he couldn't do.

gellaho

They didn't tell him no on anything

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

If you had a zuvembie projection, you would absolutely stay on a planet while it exploded.

gellaho

You don't get Hitler in your children's book if they're saying "no" to shit

FancyShark

Mandarr is a coward

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Do the projections feel pain?

Looks like it's time for Ryde...

icy spicy jakesy

Projectons do not, but they are killed by laser tag

gellaho

Baethan is now a sad, naked man

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

to Dye

I AM BAETOR

gellaho

Except for Mandarr, who they see all the time

BlueAmaranth

i can't believe the beam actually did just turn baethan into a guy

GDC

Tyrade is a reverse Robotnik.

gellaho

Cry for Baethan

FancyShark

Tyrade's Guyanizer was laughed at by the academy. But who's laughing now?

omigodomigod, DID THE MULLET SURVIVE?

gellaho

Lordship is bestowed by the metal

gellaho

unknown

I don't need your Doctor Who references Peter

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

They carry a jumpsuit around in case they take a prisoner.

FancyShark

A nude prisoner

gellaho

Cyborgs still have fleshy parts, you aren't going to get immortality that way

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The origin of cyborgs invalidates the origin of cyborgs

GDC

Yeah I would have stopped making cyborgs after the first one did that

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

We became cyborgs because robot brains could never do what human brains can do. It would be a lot of work!

gellaho

What an incredible foe

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Anyway, we built a robot brain to build cyborgs

Magiks

FancyShark

If he escaped, it doesn't sound like he was utterly defeated

gellaho

OK, sure

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

He was supposed to be dead!

Obviously.

FancyShark

Obviously

icy spicy jakesy

This is Project Download, btw

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Tyrade seems rather gracious in victory.

GDC

Does he explain why he turned evil? Was he just pissed off that he got the shitty prototype cyborg body?

gellaho

Oh no, robo-allergies

FancyShark

Rebelling is a built-in requirement for prototype soldiers/robots/cyborgs

GDC

Of course of you test out your experimental cyborgificator on a guy named Tyrade you deserve what you get.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Baethan's human cells can detect if you're going to copy his memories into Robo Rick James

It's pronounced Tier-AH-day

FancyShark

"Whatever, Terry"

BlueAmaranth

so arguably the original baethan is actually legit, permanently dead--no continuity of consciousness, tyrade killed him and made a new separate guy

gellaho

What'dya mean they ain't born with robot parts

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Bhodi with the self-own.

Don't blame Baethan for teabagging him

FancyShark

Imagine working your ass off but you miss getting cyborged by one point

gellaho

Keep switching cyborg and wizard around

BlueAmaranth

he's plagiarizing his own memoirs!

FancyShark

So you can see why it was a good idea to make beings that hate the rest of society the elite

BlueAmaranth

yeah kinda just sounds like they did too good a job on tyrade

GDC

That defrocked priest line hits a bit differently after all the sex scandals.

gellaho

Did you know Peter David wrote Star Trek books?

FancyShark

Tussornade is a shitty sports drink

GDC

Benilyn is a discount cough syrup.

gellaho

In conclusion, suck it

FancyShark

Buuuuurn

BlueAmaranth

i bet all the smug ones are gonna get guyified too, as poetic justice

and then they'll have to pass a bill that grants recyborgification to all in need of it so that they themselves aren't trapped forever as guys

FancyShark

And the "No Guy Bill" was thus passed

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Classic managerial POV

gellaho

MULLET UPDATE

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

If the system failed, you failed the system.

FancyShark

Oh thank god, the hair is safe

That means Baethan is now in possession of his sweet style and a human penis. He should commence showing every lonely housewife a good time

gellaho

Not cool, mom

GDC

This is one time where the villain's "we're not so different, you and I" speech is pretty compelling.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Greetings, Bhodi's mother. You are an attractive woman with dusty blonde hair. I require sustenance in my hu-man form.

He still knows magic though

Like, he's a 17-yo with terrible barbershop choices, but he KNOWS MAGIC

he has a laser pistol.

just stay on Intellistar!

GDC

Direct me to your waste evacuation room. I have not needed one in a century.

gellaho

Barbara Jarvis: Bigotted against the Scottish

FancyShark

Jeez, Pete. That seems uncalled for

gellaho

Baethan is immediately pathetic

BlueAmaranth

mom instincts kicking in

this was tactical on baethan's part

FancyShark

"Don't give me a house. I'll just screw everything up."

gellaho

He's not from Earth, Peter. He's not human

Get it together

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Baethan's new to emotions and he can't handle them.

GDC

He seems to have a pretty good grasp on self-pity.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

JUST LIKE US

FancyShark

"Smile, Baethan! All you have to do is smile!"

gellaho

Why is a ten year old living in space reading Tom Wolfe

GDC

I don't know what's less realistic: that the genius 10 year old read Tom Wolfe, or that the genius 10 year old thought that Bohdi might have.

gellaho

Sure

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

"You should never have been a Level 10 mage! The fault is yours!" -- Guys who promoted you to level 10

In the final book we find out Parcival is Photon's avatar, here to walk and fight amongst his glorious champions and also Bhodi.

gellaho

Stop making references

If Bhodi Li doesn't know who Hitler is, he should not know who Ann Landers is

FancyShark

If Bhodi is supposed to teach him how to embrace life, Baethan should just kill himself now

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

At least have Tivia say something like "Yeah, and when blarns Florp, I'll be the next host of Warrior's Pride!" to balance it out

gellaho

Peter David remembers he's supposed to be selling laser tag

FancyShark

Remember the layout and rules for later in the book, kids!

GDC

Hold on. Didn't the last book end with some other kid getting Last Starfightered like Bohdi? Did Peter just decide to drop that?

gellaho

I am not explaining it kids

BlueAmaranth

MOM can freeze time and yet somehow their side hasn't completely crushed the arrarrarrs

icy spicy jakesy

We call this move the JDM

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Somewhere on Earth an astronomer is losing his goddamn mind why it's not Tuesday.

gellaho

Weird

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

why not just move Bodhi Li through time? They went to 1944

icy spicy jakesy

“Explain this whole thing to me”

So I did. Anyway,

gellaho

I don't like what you are doing Peter

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

She sounds like a manic pixie-goth dreamgirl, be careful, Bhodi.

icy spicy jakesy

I think she wants the cyborg dick

FancyShark

Baethan, so help me, if you depression this up

gellaho

I think she's like thirteen

BlueAmaranth

oh no, baethan is gonna fall in love and realize he likes being human and having emotions and then when he's cyborg'd again, some distant part of him will want to be sad about it but no longer can

FancyShark

Nevermind, depression away

gellaho

Indeed

icy spicy jakesy

Yikes

FancyShark

She's never met Bhodi

BlueAmaranth

oh nooo she is thirteen

well, maybe it will be a little sister type friendship

icy spicy jakesy

What are you doing, step-Baethan?

gellaho

Bad Peter David

Bad

BlueAmaranth

...wait but why was a 13 year old wearing that shirt

icy spicy jakesy

God dammit

BlueAmaranth

oh NO

oh god

this took a turn

FancyShark

Peter's playing the one card he has left to end this series

"You bastards didn't blink at the 17 year olds? Fine. There's lower numbers"

BlueAmaranth

do you think if you are over 100 years old then if you have a romance arc with a 13 year old they have to make a new category of crime to charge you with

FancyShark

"Twilighting"

gellaho

I'm remembering this everytime I people talk about Peter David's comic book work. I won't be able to help it

icy spicy jakesy

Those are rookie numbers

GDC

Damnit Peter, don't make me summon the Ape. :NarcApe:

BlueAmaranth

in peter david's defense, kids having crushes on adults is a real thing, but what a needle he has set up for himself to thread here

icy spicy jakesy

I mean look, I don’t take any pleasure in being right in this case

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

So do we now hear Baethan with a scottish accent?

EHM A GRAHT WURRYARR

gellaho

Bhodi Li has decided to become Batman out of nowhere

BlueAmaranth

i appreciate baethan fully owning his abject cowardice here

FancyShark

"Just buy me a razor and draw a warm bath, Bhodi"

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

I know we're saving the universe here, Baethan, but help me brawl with a knife-wielding Kiefer Sutherland type.

BlueAmaranth

i like how this book opened with "check out these cool action heroes doing cool scifi stuff, such as this cyborg wizard" and then almost immediately is like "psych the rest of the book is about a sad old man going to high school"

gellaho

This is not a character trait Bhodi Li had before

BlueAmaranth

bhodi li called the cops???? true villain of this story

what a narc

FancyShark

Is this a Hardy Boys novel?

gellaho

This is a weird development

BlueAmaranth

rookie narc move to stand there doing the Leverage gloat

gellaho

Bhodi Li's high school personal needs an archvillian in the last book

GDC

I guess he waived his Miranda rights

FancyShark

I'm sure the cops will just ignore that threat

BlueAmaranth

they probably will--chris is gonna be like "can i have some kind of protection" and they'll be like "sorry, can't do anything until he actually caves your skull in"

gellaho

Why is this the focus of the book

BlueAmaranth

is baethan going to become the heartthrob of the entire school

icy spicy jakesy

Trying to sell laser tag to teens by bringing old men into their 8th grade class

gellaho

Uh oh

FancyShark

Friendly Frank has to notify anyone that moves to his neighborhood

gellaho

Uh oh

FancyShark

Kathy has no survival instincts

BlueAmaranth

kathy nooooo, baethan is the worst kind of person to watch a movie with, he's going to spend the whole time complaining about the inferior earth image recording technology and pointing out plot holes

gellaho

This wouldn't OK even if he was a high schooler

GDC

That waitress is definitely calling the police right now.

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

"Cool threat, dude I shot a four-armed intergalactic juggernaut in the face while you were frozen in time."

gellaho

Hey, Peter. Why

FancyShark

Jesus. This girl's not new to this

icy spicy jakesy

Lol she’s grooming him

BlueAmaranth

it is extremely funny that she's into him because she perceives his patheticness as a sort of tragically romantic vulnerability, but it would be funnier if she weren't a child

gellaho

You could write about anything, why this

GDC

Also I feel like his responses merit some follow up questions.

gellaho

Oops

FancyShark

:grimacing:

icy spicy jakesy

Hahaha

BlueAmaranth

"i know what you are."

"say it. out loud. say it!"

"cybor--"

"cyborg WIZARD"

gellaho

Dad is convinced not to worry

icy spicy jakesy

But also, nestle crunch is a D tier candy bar at best

FancyShark

Oh good. They're going to see one of the best romance films ever made which features the main dude calling the woman "kid"

icy spicy jakesy

Barely better than a 3 musketeers

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Girls love damaged guys with no money who talk like they're navigating their mental disability

gellaho

An understanding?

BlueAmaranth

anything less than 70% cacao is pleb tier

FancyShark

That's why they flock around meth clinics

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

The plot was originally hang-gliding drop-kicks into wizard-robots' faces to prevent infinite volcanos

gellaho

Kathy is going to find this cute somehow

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

now it's teaching a man not to date 13-year-olds.

BlueAmaranth

oh nice, we're finally back at the frankenstein thing

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

hahaha, all your magic is robotic, you suck.

FancyShark

goddammit baethan

BlueAmaranth

also extremely amused that peter david actually wrote out "frankenstein's monster's head"

gellaho

Kathy has that thirteen year old strength

FancyShark

At least Chris is being treated the way he deserves

gellaho

Lord Baethan, openly getting owned by a thirteen year old girl

BlueAmaranth

i bet the cowards who scripted the tv version didn't have kathy howl any obscenities at all

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

Karate Kid: realism edition

BlueAmaranth

kathy needs to learn about fight/flight/freeze

you never know what your response to an emergency will be until it happens!

FancyShark

I'm glad Kathy has some kind of standard

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

In the '80s TV didn't even say suck/hell/damn. She would have been screaming RASSUM FRASSUM

gellaho

Lord Baethan is very disappointed that his relationship with the young teen didn't work out

BlueAmaranth

speaking as a freezer, i once had a guy come up to me in a farmer's market and wrap my entire body in a bear hug because he thought i looked cold and i did not react in any way. i empathize with and pity baethan

oooh he's doing the last unicorn thing, nice

i hope this makes him realize that the celtan cyborg technology should be made available to all sentient beings

FancyShark

I hope this turns into Footloose

gellaho

"We can't prove that the kid who swore vengeance was the one who did this"

BlueAmaranth

rather than hoarded while trillions of people and aliens are trapped in their decaying organic bodies

Old Man Brendan, Dancing Fool

This is VERY similar to a Peter David story about an immortal villain who loses eternal youth

he kidnaps Hulk's wife Betty and complains about crow's feet. She gives him concealer.

FancyShark

hahaha

BlueAmaranth

i also like how bhodi li has a normal earth name as his cover identity and he brings baethan home like "hello earth parents, this is beep-boop cyborgman"

gellaho

She did what now?

BlueAmaranth

holy shit, kathy is metal

FancyShark

Fuckin' A

GDC

Kathy should have been the main character the whole time.

BlueAmaranth

we thought she was in danger but now we realize this is the sort of child who kickflips a power button

gellaho

All the males have become blabbering messes

GDC

Bodhi doesn't want to admit that Kathy just destroys him at laser tag every time she plays.

gellaho

Baethan has very quickly adopted the hobo lifestyle

BlueAmaranth

baethan still wallowing in self-pity--disgusting

GDC

"Bodhi, this is MOM. We just saw your sisters sweet kickflip and have decided she is the worthier photon warrior."

BlueAmaranth

no sign that he's developed any empathy for the plight of organics or that he's reassessing any of his ethics