37: Psi-Man: Deathscape David Peters

#2 Psi-Man

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Second in the electrifying new series! He's a mind-force warrior, battling the ultimate mutations of war...

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gellaho
🚨 This is a Book Cage Special Video Announcement 🚨
FancyShark
OOOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH
dr
Hello yes
Thanks autocorrect. I’ll keep it.
1
jakesy (unbreaded)
Time to dunk on Peter David yet again
I’m ready
gellaho
That's right, on a special edition of The Book Cage. This Monday, 5pm eastern, we return to the eminently mockable Peter David for Psi-Man 2: Deathscape.
@Brockway please pin my sweet ass video announcement or face the "poisonous breeding ground of monstrous mutations"
If you need to catch up with the previous adventures of the Quaker with a Nazi dog, check out https://gellaho.com/books/98-psi-man-mind-force-warrior
FancyShark
I'll be in the middle of work that day, but I'll do my best to keep up
@gellaho
@Brockway please pin my sweet ass video announcement or face the "poisonous breeding ground of monstrous mutations"
Brockway
That video was sweet. ass.
gellaho
Gracias jefe
John, Grand Master of the Arena
I'm so disappointed I can't be there live for this one, but I wish you all good luck.
gellaho
Reminder: No Book Cage this week. It has been moved to The Second Annual Psi-Man Day, Monday, November 1st.
In the meantime, check out the previous Psi-Man adventure https://www.gellaho.com/books/98-psi-man-mind-force-warrior
Or, listen to the latest Steele audiobook here: https://www.gellaho.com/audio_books
gellaho
jakesy (unbreaded)
Lol wait
The story is that a bunch of people were bitten by radioactive sludge and now they’re psychic X-Men?
God dammit Peter David
gellaho
Peter David original idea do not steal
gellaho
This is also why he's fighting two guys with guns on the cover
jakesy (unbreaded)
Whole lot of physical fighting there for a psychic warrior
FancyShark
But, like, he's using his mind to control his body, maaaaaan
gellaho
Much like Stephen Seagal, he is also an aikido master
Not a joke
FancyShark
lol
John, Grand Master of the Arena
Also like Stephen Seagal, his dog is a Nazi sympathizer.
Much less of a joke and closer to the truth than you would expect.
jakesy (unbreaded)
gellaho
I was going to ask if you had that ready
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh it’s ready
gellaho
The Psi-Man Day celebration begins in under an hour. Here is the preview
gellaho
For those of you who missed the first Psi-Man Day 7 months ago. Here is what I remember about Chuck Simon
1) He is a quaker psychic who hates violence
2) He was tricked into using his psychic powers by an evil organization fake killing his girlfriend
3) He was trained by that organization, until he escaped
4) He has a dog named Rommel
5) Last seen working at the circus
Said Nazi dog is on the cover.
Just noticed Chuck Simon's studded leather belt
Rommel is also psychic, just remembered that
FancyShark
Does Rommel talk to him, or is it more "empath"?
gellaho
talks
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Can't wait to see what happens today and tomorrow
gellaho
Internet Propulsion Laboratory
I wonder what Peter David thought the internet was
jakesy (unbreaded)
Lol yes
FancyShark
Dunno. But no one lived there.
jakesy (unbreaded)
The Internet Propulsion Laboratory
Just firing on all cylinders right out the gate
FancyShark
The Internet Bellows working at full power
gellaho
Remember how we lost the sun in 1995?
FancyShark
Stunning vistas of gray: The Future!
gellaho
Shit, it's the Hardy Boys van
gellaho
His legendary patience had run dry, so he said butt
FancyShark
Songs are sung of that guy's patience
gellaho
We are going to have multiple giant dogs with dumb names
FancyShark
"Confirming with scent what ears had already told him"
gellaho
I'm struggling to understand why his passenger cocked a gun at him
FancyShark
Long hair and unkempt mustache, so of course his name is Buzz
gellaho
Peter David is doing this very annoying thing where he doesn't give people's names until after they've talked for a while
"How's it scope?"
FancyShark
That 2021 lingo just exploding off the page
gellaho
Oh, the gun was to shoot his cigarette. What?
jakesy (unbreaded)
Feels like something you would do if you were writing a script
Not naming characters right away
gellaho
the famous snake sound bullets make
FancyShark
James Earl Jones' character in Conan upgraded from a bow and arrow
jakesy (unbreaded)
Not now, current events. We’re PSI-MANning here
gellaho
Jupiter and Mars
Brilliant stuff, Peter David
jakesy (unbreaded)
Jupiter is small, this probably symbolizes something
gellaho
I wonder what this black man's name is
FancyShark
Jupiter, the leader, was enjoying his booster seat
McGinley
Have we forgotten how many dumb internet business names there were in the '90s?
FancyShark
I like I&L for my hand weapon, too. Much better than B&M for foot weapons
gellaho
I guess I don't get to know what the black guy's name is. Instead, here's a feral woman
MO BRAKES FOR MONSTER BOOTY
or V&D for my elbow weapons :x
jakesy (unbreaded)
Internet Propulsion Laboratory is an all timer though
gellaho
Peter getting in on the lip action
FancyShark
Luta is easily or perpetually disgruntled
gellaho
Oh, God, it's Greenpeace
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh shit we’re about to do some monkeywrenching
Toastygod
Jupiter walks in:
FancyShark
Oh goodie
Ecoterrorists
gellaho
Oh, no, not Porky!
jakesy (unbreaded)
Do we think they’re all going to get mind powers together
FancyShark
That's all, folks
That...is all
jakesy (unbreaded)
Are they going to be Captain Planet
gellaho
Well, I guess I don't get to know black dude's name. End of chapter
FancyShark
They sound more Scooby-Doo than Captain Planet
gellaho
This description is a lot. I choose to focus on Peter David thinking that you cut pizzas with squares
McGinley
Hard disagree.
McGinley
Maybe it's st louis style and you need the square to box out straight lines.
FancyShark
Forehead size indicates introspectiveness?
Toastygod
Wasn’t the black man’s name Shai?
McGinley
It's just weird identifying characters by name instead of their lat size.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Good point, I don’t even know if his Lats flare out into a V shape or not
gellaho
This is what happens when you don't name a character for 25 lines of dialog
jakesy (unbreaded)
And how big is this guys waist anyway? Better not be more than 32
gellaho
then describe him a page later
Anyway, here's another dumb name
FancyShark
Mayor Hunter's policy on singing telegrams was brutal but effective
McGinley
If you thought nuclear destruction was imminent, why would you spend earth's last good days in the tunnel that will be your doom?
jakesy (unbreaded)
H-H-Hunter?
gellaho
DRUUUUUGGGSSSS
McGinley
You'd build a house with a hatch.
gellaho
Imagine that that you were reading this for the first time
McGinley
Psi-Man is just 30 years earlier in the Steeleverse.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Snap is still the kids drug of choice these days (Snapchat). Really makes you think
FancyShark
"Snap"! I'm sure that won't lead to terrible lingo
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahahaa
gellaho
The name Rommel shows up out of nowhere and he has to take a dump
FancyShark
haha
jakesy (unbreaded)
Goebbels was hogging the john, he didn’t have any choice
FancyShark
If Rommel doesn't start each word with an "R" sound, I will not accept he is a talking dog
gellaho
The Adventures of Chuck Simon: Psychic Wuss continue!
FancyShark
Rommel, just as considerate of the dead as his namesake
jakesy (unbreaded)
Wait when did the dog start talking?
Are we in a Bush’s baked beans scenario here
gellaho
He talks psychically
McGinley
It must be weird living in RoboCop's Boulder, CO.
FancyShark
Is looting a corpse more graphic than normal in this world?
gellaho
These cards are people's lifeblood. But you can also just take them and use them without any problem
gellaho
McGinley
Boulder is majestic by the campfire of a burning crashed truck.
Toastygod
I like that we can’t have a simple, convenient single-car crash without drugs or alcohol being to blame. There is no chaos in the world, drugs are to blame for all misfortune!
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Action Pansy
McGinley
Society has collapsed so much you get salvage rights on fresh corpses but gas still gets delivered.
gellaho
That Rommel, always wanting to feast on human remains
jakesy (unbreaded)
This is the Hawke Corollary: the apocalypse happened but we still have air travel and national media
FancyShark
Credit ratings are sacred
gellaho
What a delightful pup
McGinley
Using a dead guy's credit before his corpse is found is the most ethical thing you can do.
FancyShark
Rommel used to live next door to David Berkowitz
gellaho
Lotta footsteps in this book
McGinley
Three private companies build a file on you without your consent that dictates every bank you come in contact with decides whether or not to trust you, TAKE BACK THE POWER.
gellaho
I doubt "Cardless Wonders" would make it into common use
jakesy (unbreaded)
Rolls of muscle eh?
FancyShark
"Sometimes" means one person said that one time
jakesy (unbreaded)
Just unsightly globules of muscle all over
McGinley
insouciance deserves a punch in the mouth
gellaho
Jesus, Psi-Man is canon
Toastygod
“Go neuter yourself”… The dog is fine stealing from a deadman and eating his corpse, but swearing is over the fucking line
gellaho
I remember in the last book, some dude with an eyepatch said that once sarcastically
McGinley
So does he pronounce "Psi-Man" = "Simon"?
Maybe they never taught the dog swears.
gellaho
I can't get in Peter David's head
FancyShark
This is an author that squandered a cyborg wizard for five and half books, then made him fall in love with a child
gellaho
Love this response
FancyShark
hahaha
jakesy (unbreaded)
But I can
gellaho
Count the Chucks in the last paragraph
jakesy (unbreaded)
I believe I just won a minor jackpot
gellaho
AIKIDO
FancyShark
Cutter Chuck Chuck Chuck Cutter Chuck Chuck Buffalo Buffalo
gellaho
gellaho
Rommel fatality
jakesy (unbreaded)
Jesus this dog is fucked
FancyShark
Rommel probably chose his own name
gellaho
Oh, right. He has an SS mark on his forehead
Toastygod
Rommel is the Id, Dakota the Ego, and Chuck the Super Ego. In this paper I will….
gellaho
Peter David teaches religion
McGinley
Rommel: not neutered
FancyShark
But aware of the concept
McGinley
Can Rommel tell when Simon is lying?
jakesy (unbreaded)
Confirmed that Rommel fucks
FancyShark
You'd think this conversation would have happened sooner
gellaho
I don't think Chuck Simon understands what being on the run means
FancyShark
C'mon, Chuck. Start the story
gellaho
Quakers: hot
FancyShark
Lip chewing
gellaho
It's why people love Quaker Oats
Toastygod
Rommel never asked whose name he wasn’t allowed to take in vain?
gellaho
That dude can get it
McGinley
...she knows Simon can read her mind, right?
FancyShark
Oh hell. Peter David is insisting that hot women want nice guys, but don't like it when guys are nice
jakesy (unbreaded)
He knows she should think about getting flood insurance
gellaho
Time for more characters!
FancyShark
She joined the Shit Brigade
jakesy (unbreaded)
Bitches do be loving their hair
FancyShark
Was each hair connected to a nerve ending? How could a haircut be that traumatic?
gellaho
Nothing would be as traumatic
Including this
FancyShark
Golly. That's almost as bad as a light trim
gellaho
You know hammers, known for hitting screwdrivers
Toastygod
Without long blond hair, what does she have to offer the world?
gellaho
You know hardened soldiers, not being able to cope with fear
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh shit
You just got PSI-BOMBED
FancyShark
So the hierarchy is Fear > Haircut > Death
gellaho
Hope you liked Chapter 3, because that was it
FancyShark
Chapter 3: Bomb!
Toastygod
“Bomb!” She said, tautly.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Chuck Simon deals with a flat tire in Chapter 4
I hate this dog
gellaho
Peter, this description does not work when I can read what the dog is actually saying
FancyShark
Paucity? Go fuck yourself, Peter
Toastygod
This book reads like it was written by a vegetarian that hates animals
McGinley
I don't want to live in this nightmare world.
gellaho
Peter David is going for Simon Hawke's lip crown
jakesy (unbreaded)
You come for the lip king you better not miss
FancyShark
Liiiiips
gellaho
no moistening yet, so we're fine
Toastygod
That’s been saved for her panties as she contemplates Quakerism
gellaho
This last sentence is curious
FancyShark
uhhh
McGinley
"Tell me, do Quakers spend a lot of time on their knees?"
gellaho
Okay, so literally a giant dog
jakesy (unbreaded)
“Barns aren’t the only thing being raised tonight”
McGinley
Rommel is a shoggoth, prove me wrong.
FancyShark
Rommel is every large dog owned by someone who doesn't understand how to train a dog
gellaho
Wow, this section of text was pointless
Toastygod
So the dog and the woman got in an argument and the dog was right? Seems on brand
FancyShark
Funny...?
Yeah, when a massive dog is giving you a low growl, the best thing to do is stay inches from its face
gellaho
Chuck makes a decision
jakesy (unbreaded)
And bare your teeth
gellaho
FancyShark
Jump
Do it
Do it, Chuck
Jump
JUMP
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Too Afraid to Fly
FancyShark
Coward
Toastygod
So he’s had these powers roughly 3 hours now? For this to have JUST occurred to him
FancyShark
"Or maybe he was just stupid."
No notes
gellaho
Back to the old Internet Propulsion Laboratory
FancyShark
He's dicking around like this instead of finding a place to hide out?
McGinley
Jedi rules apply.
You can't pick yourself up by the collar.
gellaho
Maybe he's abandoned Dakota
I would
FancyShark
This is going to end with bits of Dakota in Rommel's stools
gellaho
Definitely abandonment material
gellaho
FancyShark
Her parents were lazy assholes
gellaho
Takes too much time to explain Lassie. Far too complex
FancyShark
No child could grasp the concept
gellaho
Now back to Chuck headbanging a gate
FancyShark
He shouts for the guards to see if it's safe to break in?
Bold
McGinley
Maybe it takes too long to explain to a child that the world was once good.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Give it that strong throbbing power Psi-man
McGinley
Sure, if they're there, he can just pinch off part of their brain and give them strokes.
FancyShark
And keep their credit scores intact
gellaho
Certainly the best time for this navel gazing, Chuck
FancyShark
Blood's pooling on the brain of that guard, but take your time, Chuck
Toastygod
So he’s on the run from the government but thinks it’s a great idea to announce yourself and then break into a heavily guarded fortress? Sure. You do you, Psi-Man
gellaho
Wah-wah
McGinley
Try not being an extremist in this world.
hahahahaha
"She'll want to hear the news!"
He is TELEPATHIC and he didn't hear the rest of the thought.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahahaha
FancyShark
I've got it. We're operating on The Incredible Hulk TV show rules
jakesy (unbreaded)
“Think faster, dammit!”
FancyShark
"Think louder!"
gellaho
Let's work on naming things, Peter
FancyShark
Zoomibooms was deemed "stupid"
jakesy (unbreaded)
Highly single-functional is a mouthful too
McGinley
Your robots can only carry 160 bullets.
gellaho
What kind of a system is this?
jakesy (unbreaded)
Yeah but with Rapidoshot Technology that is only like 4 bursts, max
FancyShark
If trespasser is still present after 160 bullets, please order a refill bot
FancyShark
Wait, what the hell?
gellaho
Oh, good, glad we wasted time on this then
McGinley
Da heist is scheduled for 8:01, see?
FancyShark
So during Daylight Savings Time, there's an hour where every employee is just gunned down mercilessly?
gellaho
Why don't you suck my dick, Peter David
McGinley
Spring forward, fall down.
FancyShark
Brendan wins. We're done.
Toastygod
Notice Chuck assumes the daughter is a technician or janitor. The future may have psychic assassins and robot patrols, but a female scientist was too much of a stretch
jakesy (unbreaded)
Is that like Klingon or something
FancyShark
Also ignoring the idea that there might be actual children in the building
FancyShark
It's from The Day The Earth Stood Still (and technically Evil Dead)
jakesy (unbreaded)
Ah I see
gellaho
Setting up the giant dog fight
McGinley
Well it's 1 a.m. right? Scientists are home.
Did he try talking to the doberman?
FancyShark
Makes the unkillable robot stop killing everything. Also makes the Necronomicon send Ash home if he pronounces the spell correctly
gellaho
Fuckin what
jakesy (unbreaded)
Maybe the ones who DON’T CARE IF THIS COMPANY MAKES ANY MONEY THIS QUARTER ARE HOME SLEEPING
McGinley
He tortures animals for comedic effect.
FancyShark
This is Michael Vick's favorite book
gellaho
Internet chemicals
FancyShark
Djonin?
gellaho
Stabbed an inpatient figure
FancyShark
hahaha
He's got a toy of the White Rabbit he jabs at people for emphasis
McGinley
Blowing up the chemical plant seems like it would have profound environmental effects.
gellaho
Peter David really understands science
jakesy (unbreaded)
No see what you don’t understand is this is a good chemical spill as opposed to the bad chemical spill that also came from this exact plant
FancyShark
Not stalking around! The fiends!
jakesy (unbreaded)
“I heard there’s even Bigfoots out there “
gellaho
Sir, I know Ice. And you, sir, are no Ice
McGinley
What would you do if it turned out David was Hawke?
FancyShark
I would laugh and scream at the same time
jakesy (unbreaded)
Yes that’s a gun against his buttocks
gellaho
Mind powers
jakesy (unbreaded)
The Singularity can only be achieved if they are also both Franklin W Dixon
FancyShark
He would not kill, unless he accidentally murdered a dog
McGinley
Franklin W. Dixon is like Candyman or Swamp Thing: he is the eternal return.
gellaho
AIKIDO
FancyShark
Oh shit. Psychic hippies
Toastygod
He will only knock someone through a wall so his dog can eat him. NOT kill though. Never kill
gellaho
McGinley
Simon Seagal
jakesy (unbreaded)
That’s a nice workaround. “Oh yeah I don’t kill anyone. But Rommel, he doesn’t play by my rules “
McGinley
Peter Hunter
FancyShark
David Hawke
gellaho
for the gun was now in Shai's hand like lightning
FancyShark
...?
gellaho
Troubling description
gellaho
Can't wait for this explanation
FancyShark
Priapism. No further questions.
gellaho
You asked if about Simon Hawke. This is closer to Victor Milan
The greatest insult I could give
these analogies
FancyShark
haha, harsh but fair
McGinley
Let's all pledge, outside of our pastiche of these types of books with Colt Blacke, never to write Black characters as "[food]-skinned man whose teeth were startlingly white in contrast."
"He was white, like cake frosting, and his teeth blended into his skin perfectly, separated only by the thin, villainous line of crimson he dared to call lips."
FancyShark
If the teeth are glowing, that needs to be explained directly
McGinley
"The milk-skinned sidekick bit his lip as he danced."
gellaho
Lucky break, I guess
McGinley
Jupe got psychic powers, Shai got...phosphorus bite.
FancyShark
Second betrayal by body part in this book
gellaho
Certainly a way someone would talk
FancyShark
If someone ever uses "rather" for emphasis in speech, shoot to kill. They are an alien
gellaho
Meanwhile, Rommel leaves her to die
FancyShark
Remember Sanderson? Huge wuss? Can't stand haircuts?
gellaho
OK, so Chuck should also be asploded
McGinley
He killed the dog.
No wonder he spent Ch. 1 making Rommel unlikable.
gellaho
Time for some Hardy Boysing
FancyShark
And then he died. The End.
McGinley
Dude could have just stuck a psychic finger in the barrel and watched the blowback take Shai.
gellaho
How do you miss that
You definitely shot him in the head, that's why he has a long gash down his arm
FancyShark
If Chuck starts arguing with the narrator, the Peter/Hawke idea will have a lot more weight
gellaho
Knew instinctively that he was a crack marksman
FancyShark
Jupiter is a fan of the "He's Probably Dead" medical school
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Normal Man
Definitely without any strange abilities
FancyShark
To be fair, skipping down the road to a military facility isn't much of a "hero" move
Except for, like, Deadpool
Toastygod
“Holos” can’t we just have movies in the 21st century instead of another terrible made-up word?
FancyShark
Peter David must have thought he was going to see it happen with how quickly Blu-Rays appeared after DVDs
Toastygod
Peter David was all in on laser discs
gellaho
Chuck's concussion leads him to the bomb
FancyShark
He spaz-ran into the room? That rules
jakesy (unbreaded)
But wait! It’s upside down!
McGinley
Holographic films: because who wants to see the scene from the angle the director intended?
jakesy (unbreaded)
He now had 800 seconds to figure this shit out
gellaho
Brilliant
FancyShark
So...unplug it?
McGinley
You have PSYCHIC POWERS
slice all the wires.
make a shield around yourself
FancyShark
Throw the bomb into the sky
Toastygod
How is any of this TOO thorough?
jakesy (unbreaded)
Why didn’t he already know about the timer and the bomb
gellaho
Still very worried about the imaginary daughter
jakesy (unbreaded)
Mr Mind Reader
Should have seen that one coming too
FancyShark
hahaha, spazzing to the grave
gellaho
Ah, Chuck's cowardice is what made the Psi-Bomb
Checks out
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Certainly what I'd be worried about as my skin is blistering from heat
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh shit
Toastygod
“I hope my corpse didn’t damage that guardrail”
FancyShark
He just smashed the "No Terrorists Please" sign on the base
jakesy (unbreaded)
What happens when the guy who already has PSI POWERS falls into the toxic sludge?
McGinley
FLY, Psi-Man! Psi a fly!
gellaho
He's been falling and psychically screaming for what has to be 10 minutes
Toastygod
He is straight up wile e coyote-ing
McGinley
MEEP MEEP
Toastygod
gellaho
Jupiter assumes that everyone he meets is working for the government
FancyShark
Jupiter needs to work on his seduction techniques
Toastygod
Can’t Jupiter just read her fucking mind?
gellaho
Probably shouldn't have blown up the secret government facility next to the army base then, dipshit
Toastygod
How are he and Chuck so bad at being psychic?
McGinley
Some people want to save the environment, and others want an excuse to cause mayhem.
Shai's just looking for honorable combat.
Interrupt your op to determine whose warrior heart is truer.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Some people just want…THE INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
I'm glad someone like Shai decided the best way to find a worthy opponent was through eco-terrorism
FancyShark
IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!
gellaho
So yeah, they have different powers
gellaho
Doing the X-men thing
Seems like an unnecessary complication for a gun
It prevents overheating? Do these guns have CPU fans?
FancyShark
But they ran on Vista
jakesy (unbreaded)
That’s the great thing about writing in the future, you can just make up how things are supposed to work
FancyShark
AMD vs Intel is more intense in this world
gellaho
Oh, look, somebody knew to have a gun that works
An "ancient" service revolver
You know how we call revolvers ancient in 2021?
jakesy (unbreaded)
And then she fired wildly at the van with a .45
gellaho
This was only written 30 years ago
FancyShark
So old, the number of civilians it killed was only in the single digits
The Changed
Unless it actually saw action at Tombstone, I don't consider a revolver ancient.
Toastygod
This is like calling Tab soda ancient
gellaho
is it a turret? How does it have lock-on?
Does it control your arm?
Toastygod
They are all Robosoldiers
FancyShark
Every bullet would need an onboard navigation system
gellaho
"Dorsch's broken body was so hot"
FancyShark
Still not as bad as that haircut
Toastygod
Each bullet has a microchip. It does nothing but the future means all microchips all the time
gellaho
The army has no way to communicate over long distances
gellaho
FancyShark
hahahaha
McGinley
How ironic.
gellaho
Nazi dog is fine
jakesy (unbreaded)
It’s like acid rain on your wedding day
gellaho
Chuck: still falling
McGinley
FLYYYYY
jakesy (unbreaded)
Wait is he still falling from the previous chapter?
FancyShark
I hope he falls for the rest of the book
Johnny Unusual
Does anyone have any cool non-fiction book recommendations about science (and in particular medicine) in the early 20th century? I got a Festivus/secret santa thing going and I don't want to give it away by asking my regular community.
gellaho
I forgot about the stupid spoon
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahahaha
FancyShark
SPOOOOOON!
jakesy (unbreaded)
🎵I don’t make time for holy rollers🎵
🎵but they may wash my feet🎵
McGinley
Three cutaways later, Uri Gellar is still falling.
gellaho
What a bold hero
FancyShark
"So he started masturbating as furiously as he could"
McGinley
Imagine being so rad you had the full psychic suite and a talking dog with a lightning bolt but so lame you wore a necklace of your ex-wife's initials, that you bent out of a spoon.
That's like having a threesome in a Godzilla suit and it's not Halloween.
gellaho
Psi-Man: unfamiliar with waterfalls
jakesy (unbreaded)
Hahahaa
gellaho
I was trying to check the ex-wife thing, because I don't remember him being married
McGinley
the waterfall is a mile high, I get it now. He has time to fall.
gellaho
Instead I rediscovered that Rommel's first name was Subject 666
jakesy (unbreaded)
Still fallin’
McGinley
Technically all widowers who accidentally psi-crushed their wives' skulls have an EX-wife.
Who is EX-alive.
McGinley
Wait so he can ONLY talk to rommel, not all dogs?
FancyShark
This is now a comedy. He better survive the fall and find out there are twelve more waterfalls in succession
gellaho
Franklin W Dixon's ghostwriter ghost wrote this
McGinley
gellaho
Yes
Psychic Nazi dog
jakesy (unbreaded)
#NotAllDogs
gellaho
You know who else doesn't care about his dye job? Me
FancyShark
Next he's captured by the hillbillies from Deliverance
Toastygod
I care about that comma that’s supposed to be a period
I care about the poor proofreader that gave up on life three chapters ago
gellaho
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe
FancyShark
Pissed there, too
jakesy (unbreaded)
Haha he’s totally getting super psi powers
gellaho
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. MAYBE. MAYBE MAYBEMAYMBE
Toastygod
I hope his river powers are more impressive then his Psi powers.
If his hair falls out, he’ll save a fortune on daily hair dye
gellaho
Now he has a stick. Riveting
FancyShark
Especially if they're still hunting for a guy with hair
McGinley
Professor X's origin is a lot weirder than you'd guess.
jakesy (unbreaded)
Is the whole thing that his strong Aryan hair is dye-resistant?
gellaho
Meanwhile: lips
Toastygod
Dye-resistant hair is one of his more remarkable powers
FancyShark
I wouldn't mind her going a couple rounds with that little-
oh wait
gellaho
Jupiter Freud
FancyShark
Buzz and Shai have a real weird thing going
gellaho
That Buzz and his useless mind control
Toastygod
Jupiter likes to watch
FancyShark
If he needs a trigger to make him make others do what he wants, it's definitely a sex thing
gellaho
Rommel the dog everyone
FancyShark
You will believe a Nazi dog can be a Good Boy
gellaho
Mutated Bear
FancyShark
Dodged like a blitz, you might say
gellaho
Mutant animals attack the soldiers
gellaho
FancyShark
"Don't cut my hair! DON'T CUT MY HAIR!"
jakesy (unbreaded)
South Park did it already
gellaho
Magical animals
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh no the Psi Man got that image!
McGinley
I've been chasing the puppy through his terrible two(x 2 mo)s, what did I miss?
gellaho
Fascinating cropping there
McGinley
A MUTANT BEAR
Gotta love passive speech on a mutant bear attack.
jakesy (unbreaded)
The goddamn passive voice!
gellaho
Time to parachute out
FancyShark
Sanderson's entire platoon is made up of cliche dialogue
gellaho
What a day
FancyShark
Zoiks!
I'm so glad we got to know this cannon fodder
Just having a mutant bear wouldn't communicate that it was dangerous
gellaho
Meanwhile: Chuck loses his stick
FancyShark
hahaha
jakesy (unbreaded)
If only he remembered 8 chapters ago when he could almost fly
gellaho
Pillar of Strength, that Simon
FancyShark
He got his ass handed to him last time he fought the bad guys, so there's not much tension in "Will Chuck Find the Bad Guys in Time?"
jakesy (unbreaded)
McGinley
Do the mutant bears ever fight, or do they constantly attack in tandem?
I guess I'm asking, do they play by Double Dragon arcade rules, or console rules?
gellaho
Better do some aikido to calm down
gellaho
FancyShark
It depends on the vicinity of pic-a-nic baskets
McGinley
If I had psi-powers there's not a martial art on earth I would bother learning.
Train 20 years in case someone grabs you JUUUUUST right.
Gun. Knife. Brain. If your attackers get past those you never deserved a talking Panzer dog.
gellaho
HE'S GOING TO USE AIKIDO TO WALK WITHOUT HIS STICK
FancyShark
lol
Of course. Why don't cripples just use aikido?
gellaho
To a normal person, crab-walking does not involve the knee hitting the ground
FancyShark
That's crawling, Chuck
jakesy (unbreaded)
So wait why is he crab walking again
FancyShark
Or maybe some slow version of the Russian kick dance
gellaho
Now he's talking to the trees
gellaho
He hurt himself falling for an hour
jakesy (unbreaded)
But…but all those movements he just described would hurt way more than just walking
FancyShark
Too bad he can't support his own weight with something. Like telekinesis
gellaho
I don't know what he's trying to accomplish
All of a sudden he decided he needs to embrace nature
which apparently doesn't involve the eyes
jakesy (unbreaded)
We’re gonna need a montage
FancyShark
How much book we have still? Is he going to learn a new skill or just stumble into the end?
gellaho
Jupiter's power is to talk like an asshole
FancyShark
ugh
Toastygod
I didn’t know psychic powers and sight were inextricably linked
jakesy (unbreaded)
Now Shai is doing a Cheech impression?
McGinley
He's been falling over that cliff/waterfall for two chapters.
My God, this is Ex Machina 1.0
gellaho
Peter David definitely doesn't know what the internet is
McGinley
#JUPEWASRIGHT
jakesy (unbreaded)
Oh my god he actually doesn’t
FancyShark
Wait. You blew up a chemical weapons factory? To save nature?
jakesy (unbreaded)
And somehow the internet is involved
gellaho
He was very worried about the forest being used for lumber, then he fucking exploded it
jakesy (unbreaded)
Leaking chemicals into nature and destroying the forest
gellaho
Destroy the trees, but make sure nobody gets anything out of it
jakesy (unbreaded)
Brilliant
FancyShark
Even Tom Clancy eco-terrorists aren't this stupid
McGinley
Maybe he did the math and destroyed it between shipments.
Residual chemicals vs. a batch every two weeks x 20 years
gellaho
Yeah, I doubt it
He seems to have come to conclusions without much actual evidence
Toastygod
I get not wanting your villains to be too likable, but these guys aren’t even using their superpowers to make grand gestures and impressive explosions. What’s even the point of them or their powers?
gellaho
"We found you with your leg stuck in a pothole, you couldn't possibly have a twisted ankle"
RIP
FancyShark
Bye bye Buzz
I hope the shooter was one of the bears
gellaho
animals are out of control now
jakesy (unbreaded)
OH NO ROMMEL LEARNED HOW TO USE A GUN
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Chuck
Toastygod
How is he staggering and spinning with a bullet in his frontal lobe? Also, this book loves head shots
gellaho
Tone it down
Every Chuck section is him complaining about his lot in life
FancyShark
Chuck spent a month agonizing over a hangnail
gellaho
Fucking Incel Chuck over here
McGinley
How ironic: buzz could control others, but he couldn't control the bullet holes that wanted to appear in his head.
Toastygod
And again, NONE of the four psychics in that cabin sensed a shooter waiting just outside
McGinley
If only someone with mechanical psi were there to prevent unwanted gunfire.
Toastygod
None of these characters deserve their powers
gellaho
True AIKIDO Masters
McGinley
By the way, one talks to animals, one has TK, one affects machines, one has mind-control.
gellaho
McGinley
Simon has ALL OF THOSE.
gellaho
Very happy to be able to figure out where a tree is
Toastygod
And now he also has sight beyond sight
gellaho
The fe-male
Toastygod
“Soft yet hard.” Shut up.
gellaho
"If only I could do something about this!"
Toastygod
She cut her hair, she’s not soft anymore
gellaho
Our psychic hero is almost completely useless
McGinley
That's so Hawke
gellaho
Chuck can't walk, use one of his arms. Apparently he also can't see or talk
When they collided, she did a front flip
gellaho
Chuck can't fly, but can do this
Toastygod
Rommel also did cool flips during the explosion
gellaho
All Peter's lip action is focused on the women
gellaho
Spoke too soon
Men get a lips mention when discussing Rommel
really seems like Chuck should moisten those lips
Toastygod
Does she think he’s calling out to the famous nazi?
gellaho
I don't know what else she could possibly think
Meanwhile: new character
McGinley
A red badge of mutant courage.
Toastygod
“Orgy of hysteria” new band name
gellaho
Make sure the first guy with a kill is an unintroduced guy
FancyShark
Winkowski, speaker of the classic line "Let's get the fuck out of here"
gellaho
The man with the magic eyes
FancyShark
Skill of the Hawk's Eye
Toastygod
Didn’t they break all the guns except the hair traumatized lady’s ancient 20-year-old gun?
FancyShark
Wrong exorcised, Pete
gellaho
Weird stuff Peter
FancyShark
This doesn't seem like the type of story to drive home the weight of human life
McGinley
If Buzz weren't dead I'd think he was making Winkowski see the wrong person.
Peter David's a humanist!
gellaho
Winkowski meets Rommel
FancyShark
And the buddy road comedy spin off is born!
gellaho
Meanwhile, in an abandoned cabin
FancyShark
Chuck's hair starts falling out, just to traumatize her
gellaho
Peter David worries me
FancyShark
She immediately knows about the Nazis, despite having a 30-year-old revolver she considers "ancient"
gellaho
This happens every time Chuck has a bad dream
gellaho
Bye, I guess
FancyShark
hahaha
McGinley
I've done some dumb stuff, but nothing so dumb that a dog could smell that I was an idiot.
I have a very smart dog and he is kind of an idiot.
if he called me an idiot, I would never recover.
alright, sushi beckons.
back in a bit
gellaho
What a coincidence
FancyShark
Almost? Rommel's losing his touch
Toastygod
They haven’t settled on Mortimer’s gang nickname
gellaho
Hello, I guess
FancyShark
"Mortimurder?"
"No"
Sanderson makes complicated threats
gellaho
Try harder, Chuck
FancyShark
"Chuck Smith the pedophile?"
gellaho
Rommel still wanders
FancyShark
At least Rommel's getting plenty of walkies
gellaho
Rommel with the DNA analysis tongue
FancyShark
Dogs: They kill with their paws
Toastygod
And never eat anything that could poison them
FancyShark
I'll admit that Rommel would be substantially cooler if he wasn't named after a fucking Nazi
gellaho
Chuck has gone full crazy hippie
FancyShark
This is not the sort of thing you want to hear from a man that almost crushed you against a wall with his mind
gellaho
And blew up a bear
Grappling is a famous part of nature
FancyShark
Isn't blocking the antithesis of aikido?
Toastygod
“I must become one with nature…so I may KILL IT!”
gellaho
Rommel runs into the Cutters
gellaho
They seem to have a very hard time hitting a dog the size of a horse
Then Rommel bites a bear's ass
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Ends a little unpredictably
FancyShark
womp womp
That last line isn't bad
gellaho
Chuck meets up with Rommel
These dipshits are still in the cabin
FancyShark
Shai, laying down truth bombs
gellaho
And they're falling apart to infighting
FancyShark
I'm amazed the terrorists that blew up a chemical weapons plant didn't have a plan for getting out safely
Toastygod
They had a FANTASTIC plan: hide out in a conspicuous cabin 2 miles from their target located along the only road from the target
The most unbelievable part of this book is that their plan didn’t work
gellaho
Time for a fist fight
gellaho
Meanwhile: the army is going to bomb the two terrorists
FancyShark
hahaha
High-localizers and limited impact means they might aim
Toastygod
They should just let them finish murdering each other
gellaho
No idea why this is happening
gellaho
Dog fight
FancyShark
Thanks, Peter David
gellaho
Aikido can work. If you believe
ovaJ
this part makes me indescribably angry
FancyShark
Believe
gellaho
What about this
ovaJ
PSY-MAN
gellaho
Dog fight happens completely offscreen
FancyShark
Rommel fucked the corpse. Because he's Rommel
gellaho
Jupiter died as he lived. Indescribably stupid.
FancyShark
hahahaha
gellaho
Sometime in the future
gellaho
Good thing Chuck is also Wolverine
FancyShark
Sure, psionics can do that. Why not
gellaho
Say goodbye to Dakota
gellaho
Stay classy
FancyShark
Egh
gellaho
Mysterious place name
FancyShark
dun dun DUN
gellaho
Army lady had psychic powers. I guess
FancyShark
huh
gellaho
Then knocks herself out
Toastygod
gellaho
And I guess that's how you end a book if you are Peter David
FancyShark
haha, weird
Still, that was fun
gellaho
We have defeated Psi-Man: Deathscape
That cover makes no sense to me after reading the book
Toastygod
Feels fitting this book would end with a man hitting a woman and her judging him for not doing it hard enough
gellaho
And so ends another edition of The Book Cage
FancyShark
Great job @gellaho ! Thanks again!
Toastygod
Literally none of the book took place in a city. And he had a beard the whole time. The cover designer didn’t read the book and I don’t blame them
gellaho
The Adventures of Psi-Man will continue
Goddammit, Peter
FancyShark
hahahaha
Toastygod
To be continued!
Thanks @gellaho ! That was a blast
ovaJ
Hahaha
McGinley
How'd it end?
ovaJ
gellaho
Two of the extremists got in a standoff and a bomb dropped on them
ovaJ
That was also how Alien vs. Predator: Requiem ended
gellaho
Titans of the industry, both