37: Psi-Man: Deathscape David Peters

gellaho

🚨 This is a Book Cage Special Video Announcement 🚨

FancyShark

OOOOOHHHH YEEEEAAAAHHHH

dr

Hello yes

Thanks autocorrect. I’ll keep it.

1

jakesy (unbreaded)

Time to dunk on Peter David yet again

I’m ready

gellaho

That's right, on a special edition of The Book Cage. This Monday, 5pm eastern, we return to the eminently mockable Peter David for Psi-Man 2: Deathscape.

@Brockway please pin my sweet ass video announcement or face the "poisonous breeding ground of monstrous mutations"

If you need to catch up with the previous adventures of the Quaker with a Nazi dog, check out https://gellaho.com/books/98-psi-man-mind-force-warrior

FancyShark

I'll be in the middle of work that day, but I'll do my best to keep up

@gellaho

@Brockway please pin my sweet ass video announcement or face the "poisonous breeding ground of monstrous mutations"

Brockway

That video was sweet. ass.

gellaho

Gracias jefe

John, Grand Master of the Arena

I'm so disappointed I can't be there live for this one, but I wish you all good luck.

gellaho

Reminder: No Book Cage this week. It has been moved to The Second Annual Psi-Man Day, Monday, November 1st.

In the meantime, check out the previous Psi-Man adventure https://www.gellaho.com/books/98-psi-man-mind-force-warrior

Or, listen to the latest Steele audiobook here: https://www.gellaho.com/audio_books

gellaho

jakesy (unbreaded)

Lol wait

The story is that a bunch of people were bitten by radioactive sludge and now they’re psychic X-Men?

God dammit Peter David

gellaho

Peter David original idea do not steal

gellaho

This is also why he's fighting two guys with guns on the cover

jakesy (unbreaded)

Whole lot of physical fighting there for a psychic warrior

FancyShark

But, like, he's using his mind to control his body, maaaaaan

gellaho

Much like Stephen Seagal, he is also an aikido master

Not a joke

FancyShark

lol

John, Grand Master of the Arena

Also like Stephen Seagal, his dog is a Nazi sympathizer.

Much less of a joke and closer to the truth than you would expect.

jakesy (unbreaded)

gellaho

I was going to ask if you had that ready

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh it’s ready

gellaho

The Psi-Man Day celebration begins in under an hour. Here is the preview

gellaho

For those of you who missed the first Psi-Man Day 7 months ago. Here is what I remember about Chuck Simon

1) He is a quaker psychic who hates violence

2) He was tricked into using his psychic powers by an evil organization fake killing his girlfriend

3) He was trained by that organization, until he escaped

4) He has a dog named Rommel

5) Last seen working at the circus

Said Nazi dog is on the cover.

Just noticed Chuck Simon's studded leather belt

Rommel is also psychic, just remembered that

FancyShark

Does Rommel talk to him, or is it more "empath"?

gellaho

talks

FancyShark

hahaha

gellaho

Can't wait to see what happens today and tomorrow

gellaho

Internet Propulsion Laboratory

I wonder what Peter David thought the internet was

jakesy (unbreaded)

Lol yes

FancyShark

Dunno. But no one lived there.

jakesy (unbreaded)

The Internet Propulsion Laboratory

Just firing on all cylinders right out the gate

FancyShark

The Internet Bellows working at full power

gellaho

Remember how we lost the sun in 1995?

FancyShark

Stunning vistas of gray: The Future!

gellaho

Shit, it's the Hardy Boys van

gellaho

His legendary patience had run dry, so he said butt

FancyShark

Songs are sung of that guy's patience

gellaho

We are going to have multiple giant dogs with dumb names

FancyShark

"Confirming with scent what ears had already told him"

gellaho

I'm struggling to understand why his passenger cocked a gun at him

FancyShark

Long hair and unkempt mustache, so of course his name is Buzz

gellaho

Peter David is doing this very annoying thing where he doesn't give people's names until after they've talked for a while

"How's it scope?"

FancyShark

That 2021 lingo just exploding off the page

gellaho

Oh, the gun was to shoot his cigarette. What?

jakesy (unbreaded)

Feels like something you would do if you were writing a script

Not naming characters right away

gellaho

the famous snake sound bullets make

FancyShark

James Earl Jones' character in Conan upgraded from a bow and arrow

jakesy (unbreaded)

Not now, current events. We’re PSI-MANning here

gellaho

Jupiter and Mars

Brilliant stuff, Peter David

jakesy (unbreaded)

Jupiter is small, this probably symbolizes something

gellaho

I wonder what this black man's name is

FancyShark

Jupiter, the leader, was enjoying his booster seat

McGinley

Have we forgotten how many dumb internet business names there were in the '90s?

FancyShark

I like I&L for my hand weapon, too. Much better than B&M for foot weapons

gellaho

I guess I don't get to know what the black guy's name is. Instead, here's a feral woman

MO BRAKES FOR MONSTER BOOTY

or V&D for my elbow weapons :x

jakesy (unbreaded)

Internet Propulsion Laboratory is an all timer though

gellaho

Peter getting in on the lip action

FancyShark

Luta is easily or perpetually disgruntled

gellaho

Oh, God, it's Greenpeace

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh shit we’re about to do some monkeywrenching

Toastygod

Jupiter walks in:

FancyShark

Oh goodie

Ecoterrorists

gellaho

Oh, no, not Porky!

jakesy (unbreaded)

Do we think they’re all going to get mind powers together

FancyShark

That's all, folks

That...is all

jakesy (unbreaded)

Are they going to be Captain Planet

gellaho

Well, I guess I don't get to know black dude's name. End of chapter

FancyShark

They sound more Scooby-Doo than Captain Planet

gellaho

This description is a lot. I choose to focus on Peter David thinking that you cut pizzas with squares

McGinley

Hard disagree.

McGinley

Maybe it's st louis style and you need the square to box out straight lines.

FancyShark

Forehead size indicates introspectiveness?

Toastygod

Wasn’t the black man’s name Shai?

McGinley

It's just weird identifying characters by name instead of their lat size.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Good point, I don’t even know if his Lats flare out into a V shape or not

gellaho

This is what happens when you don't name a character for 25 lines of dialog

jakesy (unbreaded)

And how big is this guys waist anyway? Better not be more than 32

gellaho

then describe him a page later

Anyway, here's another dumb name

FancyShark

Mayor Hunter's policy on singing telegrams was brutal but effective

McGinley

If you thought nuclear destruction was imminent, why would you spend earth's last good days in the tunnel that will be your doom?

jakesy (unbreaded)

H-H-Hunter?

gellaho

DRUUUUUGGGSSSS

McGinley

You'd build a house with a hatch.

gellaho

Imagine that that you were reading this for the first time

McGinley

Psi-Man is just 30 years earlier in the Steeleverse.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Snap is still the kids drug of choice these days (Snapchat). Really makes you think

FancyShark

"Snap"! I'm sure that won't lead to terrible lingo

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahahaa

gellaho

The name Rommel shows up out of nowhere and he has to take a dump

FancyShark

haha

jakesy (unbreaded)

Goebbels was hogging the john, he didn’t have any choice

FancyShark

If Rommel doesn't start each word with an "R" sound, I will not accept he is a talking dog

gellaho

The Adventures of Chuck Simon: Psychic Wuss continue!

FancyShark

Rommel, just as considerate of the dead as his namesake

jakesy (unbreaded)

Wait when did the dog start talking?

Are we in a Bush’s baked beans scenario here

gellaho

He talks psychically

McGinley

It must be weird living in RoboCop's Boulder, CO.

FancyShark

Is looting a corpse more graphic than normal in this world?

gellaho

These cards are people's lifeblood. But you can also just take them and use them without any problem

gellaho

McGinley

Boulder is majestic by the campfire of a burning crashed truck.

Toastygod

I like that we can’t have a simple, convenient single-car crash without drugs or alcohol being to blame. There is no chaos in the world, drugs are to blame for all misfortune!

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Action Pansy

McGinley

Society has collapsed so much you get salvage rights on fresh corpses but gas still gets delivered.

gellaho

That Rommel, always wanting to feast on human remains

jakesy (unbreaded)

This is the Hawke Corollary: the apocalypse happened but we still have air travel and national media

FancyShark

Credit ratings are sacred

gellaho

What a delightful pup

McGinley

Using a dead guy's credit before his corpse is found is the most ethical thing you can do.

FancyShark

Rommel used to live next door to David Berkowitz

gellaho

Lotta footsteps in this book

McGinley

Three private companies build a file on you without your consent that dictates every bank you come in contact with decides whether or not to trust you, TAKE BACK THE POWER.

gellaho

I doubt "Cardless Wonders" would make it into common use

jakesy (unbreaded)

Rolls of muscle eh?

FancyShark

"Sometimes" means one person said that one time

jakesy (unbreaded)

Just unsightly globules of muscle all over

McGinley

insouciance deserves a punch in the mouth

gellaho

Jesus, Psi-Man is canon

Toastygod

“Go neuter yourself”… The dog is fine stealing from a deadman and eating his corpse, but swearing is over the fucking line

gellaho

I remember in the last book, some dude with an eyepatch said that once sarcastically

McGinley

So does he pronounce "Psi-Man" = "Simon"?

Maybe they never taught the dog swears.

gellaho

I can't get in Peter David's head

FancyShark

This is an author that squandered a cyborg wizard for five and half books, then made him fall in love with a child

gellaho

Love this response

FancyShark

hahaha

jakesy (unbreaded)

But I can

gellaho

Count the Chucks in the last paragraph

jakesy (unbreaded)

I believe I just won a minor jackpot

gellaho

AIKIDO

FancyShark

Cutter Chuck Chuck Chuck Cutter Chuck Chuck Buffalo Buffalo

gellaho

gellaho

Rommel fatality

jakesy (unbreaded)

Jesus this dog is fucked

FancyShark

Rommel probably chose his own name

gellaho

Oh, right. He has an SS mark on his forehead

Toastygod

Rommel is the Id, Dakota the Ego, and Chuck the Super Ego. In this paper I will….

gellaho

Peter David teaches religion

McGinley

Rommel: not neutered

FancyShark

But aware of the concept

McGinley

Can Rommel tell when Simon is lying?

jakesy (unbreaded)

Confirmed that Rommel fucks

FancyShark

You'd think this conversation would have happened sooner

gellaho

I don't think Chuck Simon understands what being on the run means

FancyShark

C'mon, Chuck. Start the story

gellaho

Quakers: hot

FancyShark

Lip chewing

gellaho

It's why people love Quaker Oats

Toastygod

Rommel never asked whose name he wasn’t allowed to take in vain?

gellaho

That dude can get it

McGinley

...she knows Simon can read her mind, right?

FancyShark

Oh hell. Peter David is insisting that hot women want nice guys, but don't like it when guys are nice

jakesy (unbreaded)

He knows she should think about getting flood insurance

gellaho

Time for more characters!

FancyShark

She joined the Shit Brigade

jakesy (unbreaded)

Bitches do be loving their hair

FancyShark

Was each hair connected to a nerve ending? How could a haircut be that traumatic?

gellaho

Nothing would be as traumatic

Including this

FancyShark

Golly. That's almost as bad as a light trim

gellaho

You know hammers, known for hitting screwdrivers

Toastygod

Without long blond hair, what does she have to offer the world?

gellaho

You know hardened soldiers, not being able to cope with fear

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh shit

You just got PSI-BOMBED

FancyShark

So the hierarchy is Fear > Haircut > Death

gellaho

Hope you liked Chapter 3, because that was it

FancyShark

Chapter 3: Bomb!

Toastygod

“Bomb!” She said, tautly.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Chuck Simon deals with a flat tire in Chapter 4

I hate this dog

gellaho

Peter, this description does not work when I can read what the dog is actually saying

FancyShark

Paucity? Go fuck yourself, Peter

Toastygod

This book reads like it was written by a vegetarian that hates animals

McGinley

I don't want to live in this nightmare world.

gellaho

Peter David is going for Simon Hawke's lip crown

jakesy (unbreaded)

You come for the lip king you better not miss

FancyShark

Liiiiips

gellaho

no moistening yet, so we're fine

Toastygod

That’s been saved for her panties as she contemplates Quakerism

gellaho

This last sentence is curious

FancyShark

uhhh

McGinley

"Tell me, do Quakers spend a lot of time on their knees?"

gellaho

Okay, so literally a giant dog

jakesy (unbreaded)

“Barns aren’t the only thing being raised tonight”

McGinley

Rommel is a shoggoth, prove me wrong.

FancyShark

Rommel is every large dog owned by someone who doesn't understand how to train a dog

gellaho

Wow, this section of text was pointless

Toastygod

So the dog and the woman got in an argument and the dog was right? Seems on brand

FancyShark

Funny...?

Yeah, when a massive dog is giving you a low growl, the best thing to do is stay inches from its face

gellaho

Chuck makes a decision

jakesy (unbreaded)

And bare your teeth

gellaho

FancyShark

Jump

Do it

Do it, Chuck

Jump

JUMP

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Too Afraid to Fly

FancyShark

Coward

Toastygod

So he’s had these powers roughly 3 hours now? For this to have JUST occurred to him

FancyShark

"Or maybe he was just stupid."

No notes

gellaho

Back to the old Internet Propulsion Laboratory

FancyShark

He's dicking around like this instead of finding a place to hide out?

McGinley

Jedi rules apply.

You can't pick yourself up by the collar.

gellaho

Maybe he's abandoned Dakota

I would

FancyShark

This is going to end with bits of Dakota in Rommel's stools

gellaho

Definitely abandonment material

gellaho

FancyShark

Her parents were lazy assholes

gellaho

Takes too much time to explain Lassie. Far too complex

FancyShark

No child could grasp the concept

gellaho

Now back to Chuck headbanging a gate

FancyShark

He shouts for the guards to see if it's safe to break in?

Bold

McGinley

Maybe it takes too long to explain to a child that the world was once good.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Give it that strong throbbing power Psi-man

McGinley

Sure, if they're there, he can just pinch off part of their brain and give them strokes.

FancyShark

And keep their credit scores intact

gellaho

Certainly the best time for this navel gazing, Chuck

FancyShark

Blood's pooling on the brain of that guard, but take your time, Chuck

Toastygod

So he’s on the run from the government but thinks it’s a great idea to announce yourself and then break into a heavily guarded fortress? Sure. You do you, Psi-Man

gellaho

Wah-wah

McGinley

Try not being an extremist in this world.

hahahahaha

"She'll want to hear the news!"

He is TELEPATHIC and he didn't hear the rest of the thought.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahahaha

FancyShark

I've got it. We're operating on The Incredible Hulk TV show rules

jakesy (unbreaded)

“Think faster, dammit!”

FancyShark

"Think louder!"

gellaho

Let's work on naming things, Peter

FancyShark

Zoomibooms was deemed "stupid"

jakesy (unbreaded)

Highly single-functional is a mouthful too

McGinley

Your robots can only carry 160 bullets.

gellaho

What kind of a system is this?

jakesy (unbreaded)

Yeah but with Rapidoshot Technology that is only like 4 bursts, max

FancyShark

If trespasser is still present after 160 bullets, please order a refill bot

FancyShark

Wait, what the hell?

gellaho

Oh, good, glad we wasted time on this then

McGinley

Da heist is scheduled for 8:01, see?

FancyShark

So during Daylight Savings Time, there's an hour where every employee is just gunned down mercilessly?

gellaho

Why don't you suck my dick, Peter David

McGinley

Spring forward, fall down.

FancyShark

Brendan wins. We're done.

Toastygod

Notice Chuck assumes the daughter is a technician or janitor. The future may have psychic assassins and robot patrols, but a female scientist was too much of a stretch

jakesy (unbreaded)

Is that like Klingon or something

FancyShark

Also ignoring the idea that there might be actual children in the building

FancyShark

It's from The Day The Earth Stood Still (and technically Evil Dead)

jakesy (unbreaded)

Ah I see

gellaho

Setting up the giant dog fight

McGinley

Well it's 1 a.m. right? Scientists are home.

Did he try talking to the doberman?

FancyShark

Makes the unkillable robot stop killing everything. Also makes the Necronomicon send Ash home if he pronounces the spell correctly

gellaho

Fuckin what

jakesy (unbreaded)

Maybe the ones who DON’T CARE IF THIS COMPANY MAKES ANY MONEY THIS QUARTER ARE HOME SLEEPING

McGinley

He tortures animals for comedic effect.

FancyShark

This is Michael Vick's favorite book

gellaho

Internet chemicals

FancyShark

Djonin?

gellaho

Stabbed an inpatient figure