37: Psi-Man: Deathscape David Peters

FancyShark

hahaha

He's got a toy of the White Rabbit he jabs at people for emphasis

McGinley

Blowing up the chemical plant seems like it would have profound environmental effects.

gellaho

Peter David really understands science

jakesy (unbreaded)

No see what you don’t understand is this is a good chemical spill as opposed to the bad chemical spill that also came from this exact plant

FancyShark

Not stalking around! The fiends!

jakesy (unbreaded)

“I heard there’s even Bigfoots out there “

gellaho

Sir, I know Ice. And you, sir, are no Ice

McGinley

What would you do if it turned out David was Hawke?

FancyShark

I would laugh and scream at the same time

jakesy (unbreaded)

Yes that’s a gun against his buttocks

gellaho

Mind powers

jakesy (unbreaded)

The Singularity can only be achieved if they are also both Franklin W Dixon

FancyShark

He would not kill, unless he accidentally murdered a dog

McGinley

Franklin W. Dixon is like Candyman or Swamp Thing: he is the eternal return.

gellaho

AIKIDO

FancyShark

Oh shit. Psychic hippies

Toastygod

He will only knock someone through a wall so his dog can eat him. NOT kill though. Never kill

gellaho

McGinley

Simon Seagal

jakesy (unbreaded)

That’s a nice workaround. “Oh yeah I don’t kill anyone. But Rommel, he doesn’t play by my rules “

McGinley

Peter Hunter

FancyShark

David Hawke

gellaho

for the gun was now in Shai's hand like lightning

FancyShark

...?

gellaho

Troubling description

gellaho

Can't wait for this explanation

FancyShark

Priapism. No further questions.

gellaho

You asked if about Simon Hawke. This is closer to Victor Milan

The greatest insult I could give

these analogies

FancyShark

haha, harsh but fair

McGinley

Let's all pledge, outside of our pastiche of these types of books with Colt Blacke, never to write Black characters as "[food]-skinned man whose teeth were startlingly white in contrast."

"He was white, like cake frosting, and his teeth blended into his skin perfectly, separated only by the thin, villainous line of crimson he dared to call lips."

FancyShark

If the teeth are glowing, that needs to be explained directly

McGinley

"The milk-skinned sidekick bit his lip as he danced."

gellaho

Lucky break, I guess

McGinley

Jupe got psychic powers, Shai got...phosphorus bite.

FancyShark

Second betrayal by body part in this book

gellaho

Certainly a way someone would talk

FancyShark

If someone ever uses "rather" for emphasis in speech, shoot to kill. They are an alien

gellaho

Meanwhile, Rommel leaves her to die

FancyShark

Remember Sanderson? Huge wuss? Can't stand haircuts?

gellaho

OK, so Chuck should also be asploded

McGinley

He killed the dog.

No wonder he spent Ch. 1 making Rommel unlikable.

gellaho

Time for some Hardy Boysing

FancyShark

And then he died. The End.

McGinley

Dude could have just stuck a psychic finger in the barrel and watched the blowback take Shai.

gellaho

How do you miss that

You definitely shot him in the head, that's why he has a long gash down his arm

FancyShark

If Chuck starts arguing with the narrator, the Peter/Hawke idea will have a lot more weight

gellaho

Knew instinctively that he was a crack marksman

FancyShark

Jupiter is a fan of the "He's Probably Dead" medical school

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Normal Man

Definitely without any strange abilities

FancyShark

To be fair, skipping down the road to a military facility isn't much of a "hero" move

Except for, like, Deadpool

Toastygod

“Holos” can’t we just have movies in the 21st century instead of another terrible made-up word?

FancyShark

Peter David must have thought he was going to see it happen with how quickly Blu-Rays appeared after DVDs

Toastygod

Peter David was all in on laser discs

gellaho

Chuck's concussion leads him to the bomb

FancyShark

He spaz-ran into the room? That rules

jakesy (unbreaded)

But wait! It’s upside down!

McGinley

Holographic films: because who wants to see the scene from the angle the director intended?

jakesy (unbreaded)

He now had 800 seconds to figure this shit out

gellaho

Brilliant

FancyShark

So...unplug it?

McGinley

You have PSYCHIC POWERS

slice all the wires.

make a shield around yourself

FancyShark

Throw the bomb into the sky

Toastygod

How is any of this TOO thorough?

jakesy (unbreaded)

Why didn’t he already know about the timer and the bomb

gellaho

Still very worried about the imaginary daughter

jakesy (unbreaded)

Mr Mind Reader

Should have seen that one coming too

FancyShark

hahaha, spazzing to the grave

gellaho

Ah, Chuck's cowardice is what made the Psi-Bomb

Checks out

FancyShark

hahaha

gellaho

Certainly what I'd be worried about as my skin is blistering from heat

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh shit

Toastygod

“I hope my corpse didn’t damage that guardrail”

FancyShark

He just smashed the "No Terrorists Please" sign on the base

jakesy (unbreaded)

What happens when the guy who already has PSI POWERS falls into the toxic sludge?

McGinley

FLY, Psi-Man! Psi a fly!

gellaho

He's been falling and psychically screaming for what has to be 10 minutes

Toastygod

He is straight up wile e coyote-ing

McGinley

MEEP MEEP

Toastygod

gellaho

Jupiter assumes that everyone he meets is working for the government

FancyShark

Jupiter needs to work on his seduction techniques

Toastygod

Can’t Jupiter just read her fucking mind?

gellaho

Probably shouldn't have blown up the secret government facility next to the army base then, dipshit

Toastygod

How are he and Chuck so bad at being psychic?

McGinley

Some people want to save the environment, and others want an excuse to cause mayhem.

Shai's just looking for honorable combat.

Interrupt your op to determine whose warrior heart is truer.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Some people just want…THE INSURANCE MONEY

FancyShark

I'm glad someone like Shai decided the best way to find a worthy opponent was through eco-terrorism

FancyShark

IT'S ALWAYS THE INSURANCE MONEY!

gellaho

So yeah, they have different powers

gellaho

Doing the X-men thing

Seems like an unnecessary complication for a gun

It prevents overheating? Do these guns have CPU fans?

FancyShark

But they ran on Vista

jakesy (unbreaded)

That’s the great thing about writing in the future, you can just make up how things are supposed to work

FancyShark

AMD vs Intel is more intense in this world

gellaho

Oh, look, somebody knew to have a gun that works

An "ancient" service revolver

You know how we call revolvers ancient in 2021?

jakesy (unbreaded)

And then she fired wildly at the van with a .45

gellaho

This was only written 30 years ago

FancyShark

So old, the number of civilians it killed was only in the single digits

The Changed

Unless it actually saw action at Tombstone, I don't consider a revolver ancient.

Toastygod

This is like calling Tab soda ancient

gellaho

is it a turret? How does it have lock-on?

Does it control your arm?

Toastygod

They are all Robosoldiers

FancyShark

Every bullet would need an onboard navigation system

gellaho

"Dorsch's broken body was so hot"

FancyShark

Still not as bad as that haircut

Toastygod

Each bullet has a microchip. It does nothing but the future means all microchips all the time

gellaho

The army has no way to communicate over long distances

gellaho

FancyShark

hahahaha

McGinley

How ironic.

gellaho

Nazi dog is fine

jakesy (unbreaded)

It’s like acid rain on your wedding day

gellaho

Chuck: still falling

McGinley

FLYYYYY

jakesy (unbreaded)

Wait is he still falling from the previous chapter?

FancyShark

I hope he falls for the rest of the book

Johnny Unusual

Does anyone have any cool non-fiction book recommendations about science (and in particular medicine) in the early 20th century? I got a Festivus/secret santa thing going and I don't want to give it away by asking my regular community.

gellaho

I forgot about the stupid spoon

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahahaha

FancyShark

SPOOOOOON!

jakesy (unbreaded)

🎵I don’t make time for holy rollers🎵

🎵but they may wash my feet🎵

McGinley

Three cutaways later, Uri Gellar is still falling.

gellaho

What a bold hero

FancyShark

"So he started masturbating as furiously as he could"

McGinley

Imagine being so rad you had the full psychic suite and a talking dog with a lightning bolt but so lame you wore a necklace of your ex-wife's initials, that you bent out of a spoon.

That's like having a threesome in a Godzilla suit and it's not Halloween.

gellaho

Psi-Man: unfamiliar with waterfalls

jakesy (unbreaded)

Hahahaa

gellaho

I was trying to check the ex-wife thing, because I don't remember him being married

McGinley

the waterfall is a mile high, I get it now. He has time to fall.

gellaho

Instead I rediscovered that Rommel's first name was Subject 666

jakesy (unbreaded)

Still fallin’

McGinley

Technically all widowers who accidentally psi-crushed their wives' skulls have an EX-wife.

Who is EX-alive.

McGinley

Wait so he can ONLY talk to rommel, not all dogs?

FancyShark

This is now a comedy. He better survive the fall and find out there are twelve more waterfalls in succession

gellaho

Franklin W Dixon's ghostwriter ghost wrote this

McGinley

gellaho

Yes

Psychic Nazi dog

jakesy (unbreaded)

#NotAllDogs

gellaho

You know who else doesn't care about his dye job? Me

FancyShark

Next he's captured by the hillbillies from Deliverance

Toastygod

I care about that comma that’s supposed to be a period

I care about the poor proofreader that gave up on life three chapters ago

gellaho

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe

FancyShark

Pissed there, too

jakesy (unbreaded)

Haha he’s totally getting super psi powers

gellaho

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. MAYBE. MAYBE MAYBEMAYMBE

Toastygod

I hope his river powers are more impressive then his Psi powers.

If his hair falls out, he’ll save a fortune on daily hair dye

gellaho

Now he has a stick. Riveting

FancyShark

Especially if they're still hunting for a guy with hair

McGinley

Professor X's origin is a lot weirder than you'd guess.

jakesy (unbreaded)

Is the whole thing that his strong Aryan hair is dye-resistant?

gellaho

Meanwhile: lips

Toastygod

Dye-resistant hair is one of his more remarkable powers

FancyShark

I wouldn't mind her going a couple rounds with that little-

oh wait

gellaho

Jupiter Freud

FancyShark

Buzz and Shai have a real weird thing going

gellaho

That Buzz and his useless mind control

Toastygod

Jupiter likes to watch

FancyShark

If he needs a trigger to make him make others do what he wants, it's definitely a sex thing

gellaho

Rommel the dog everyone

FancyShark

You will believe a Nazi dog can be a Good Boy

gellaho

Mutated Bear

FancyShark

Dodged like a blitz, you might say

gellaho

Mutant animals attack the soldiers

gellaho

FancyShark

"Don't cut my hair! DON'T CUT MY HAIR!"

jakesy (unbreaded)

South Park did it already

gellaho

Magical animals

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh no the Psi Man got that image!

McGinley

I've been chasing the puppy through his terrible two(x 2 mo)s, what did I miss?

gellaho

Fascinating cropping there

McGinley

A MUTANT BEAR

Gotta love passive speech on a mutant bear attack.

jakesy (unbreaded)

The goddamn passive voice!

gellaho

Time to parachute out

FancyShark

Sanderson's entire platoon is made up of cliche dialogue

gellaho

What a day

FancyShark

Zoiks!

I'm so glad we got to know this cannon fodder

Just having a mutant bear wouldn't communicate that it was dangerous

gellaho

Meanwhile: Chuck loses his stick

FancyShark

hahaha

jakesy (unbreaded)

If only he remembered 8 chapters ago when he could almost fly

gellaho

Pillar of Strength, that Simon

FancyShark

He got his ass handed to him last time he fought the bad guys, so there's not much tension in "Will Chuck Find the Bad Guys in Time?"

jakesy (unbreaded)

McGinley

Do the mutant bears ever fight, or do they constantly attack in tandem?

I guess I'm asking, do they play by Double Dragon arcade rules, or console rules?

gellaho

Better do some aikido to calm down

gellaho

FancyShark

It depends on the vicinity of pic-a-nic baskets

McGinley

If I had psi-powers there's not a martial art on earth I would bother learning.

Train 20 years in case someone grabs you JUUUUUST right.

Gun. Knife. Brain. If your attackers get past those you never deserved a talking Panzer dog.

gellaho

HE'S GOING TO USE AIKIDO TO WALK WITHOUT HIS STICK

FancyShark

lol

Of course. Why don't cripples just use aikido?

gellaho

To a normal person, crab-walking does not involve the knee hitting the ground

FancyShark

That's crawling, Chuck

jakesy (unbreaded)

So wait why is he crab walking again

FancyShark

Or maybe some slow version of the Russian kick dance

gellaho

Now he's talking to the trees

gellaho

He hurt himself falling for an hour

jakesy (unbreaded)

But…but all those movements he just described would hurt way more than just walking

FancyShark

Too bad he can't support his own weight with something. Like telekinesis

gellaho

I don't know what he's trying to accomplish

All of a sudden he decided he needs to embrace nature

which apparently doesn't involve the eyes

jakesy (unbreaded)

We’re gonna need a montage

FancyShark

How much book we have still? Is he going to learn a new skill or just stumble into the end?

gellaho

Jupiter's power is to talk like an asshole

FancyShark

ugh

Toastygod

I didn’t know psychic powers and sight were inextricably linked

jakesy (unbreaded)

Now Shai is doing a Cheech impression?

McGinley

He's been falling over that cliff/waterfall for two chapters.

My God, this is Ex Machina 1.0

gellaho

Peter David definitely doesn't know what the internet is

McGinley

#JUPEWASRIGHT

jakesy (unbreaded)

Oh my god he actually doesn’t

FancyShark

Wait. You blew up a chemical weapons factory? To save nature?

jakesy (unbreaded)

And somehow the internet is involved

gellaho

He was very worried about the forest being used for lumber, then he fucking exploded it

jakesy (unbreaded)

Leaking chemicals into nature and destroying the forest

gellaho

Destroy the trees, but make sure nobody gets anything out of it

jakesy (unbreaded)

Brilliant

FancyShark

Even Tom Clancy eco-terrorists aren't this stupid

McGinley

Maybe he did the math and destroyed it between shipments.

Residual chemicals vs. a batch every two weeks x 20 years

gellaho

Yeah, I doubt it

He seems to have come to conclusions without much actual evidence

Toastygod

I get not wanting your villains to be too likable, but these guys aren’t even using their superpowers to make grand gestures and impressive explosions. What’s even the point of them or their powers?

gellaho

"We found you with your leg stuck in a pothole, you couldn't possibly have a twisted ankle"

RIP

FancyShark

Bye bye Buzz

I hope the shooter was one of the bears

gellaho

animals are out of control now

jakesy (unbreaded)

OH NO ROMMEL LEARNED HOW TO USE A GUN

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Chuck

Toastygod

How is he staggering and spinning with a bullet in his frontal lobe? Also, this book loves head shots

gellaho

Tone it down

Every Chuck section is him complaining about his lot in life

FancyShark

Chuck spent a month agonizing over a hangnail

gellaho

Fucking Incel Chuck over here

McGinley

How ironic: buzz could control others, but he couldn't control the bullet holes that wanted to appear in his head.

Toastygod

And again, NONE of the four psychics in that cabin sensed a shooter waiting just outside

McGinley

If only someone with mechanical psi were there to prevent unwanted gunfire.

Toastygod

None of these characters deserve their powers

gellaho

True AIKIDO Masters

McGinley

By the way, one talks to animals, one has TK, one affects machines, one has mind-control.

gellaho

McGinley

Simon has ALL OF THOSE.

gellaho

Very happy to be able to figure out where a tree is

Toastygod

And now he also has sight beyond sight

gellaho

The fe-male

Toastygod

“Soft yet hard.” Shut up.

gellaho

"If only I could do something about this!"

Toastygod

She cut her hair, she’s not soft anymore

gellaho

Our psychic hero is almost completely useless

McGinley

That's so Hawke

gellaho

Chuck can't walk, use one of his arms. Apparently he also can't see or talk

When they collided, she did a front flip

gellaho

Chuck can't fly, but can do this

Toastygod

Rommel also did cool flips during the explosion

gellaho

All Peter's lip action is focused on the women

gellaho

Spoke too soon

Men get a lips mention when discussing Rommel

really seems like Chuck should moisten those lips

Toastygod

Does she think he’s calling out to the famous nazi?

gellaho

I don't know what else she could possibly think

Meanwhile: new character

McGinley

A red badge of mutant courage.