129: The Whims of Creation Simon Hawke

Brendo

The way YOU do it?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Ohhhhhhhh shit are we gonna find a dude whos gonna start raving about elves making shoes?!

gellaho

Simon not on board with FaceTime

GDC

She's falling for the same hoax as Arthur Conan Doyle.

Brendo

I grow corn in my belly. Am I a spacemother, Greg?

Velo

Yes

Brendo

What if Krypton actually were founded on Earth?

gellaho

Classic Saleem

gellaho

FancyShark

Is this our Ice?

GDC

Wait till we hear about his lats.

gellaho

Should have made them nite-resistant

Velo

"Also, we are in space."

"Not a lot of invasive species in space. Mostly it's just space."

gellaho

These computers are terrible

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Except space lice, but we get special bombs for those."

GDC

Just the occasional color out of space

Brendo

Some people just like yelling at an exhausted person they used to respect.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its called being in the Navy.

Brendo

Hawke loves combining genres and then doing neither of them.

gellaho

Licking all the marjoram

Velo

Okay so there are some invasive species in space, but not one of you said "space fairies" so this is unusual

Brendo

What a thin character description. Can't even picture this guy's lats.

Velo

That MY marjoram to lick you tiny flying bastards!

gellaho

Likes to hit that herb, maaaaaaaaaaaan

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Someone has been out here licking my marjoram and erasing the video and BY KLONOS CARBALLOY CLAWS I will find and destroy them."

GDC

Their ability to make space pasta sauce is compromised.

gellaho

Fusion-powered sun globes

Velo

That's what Peter called them and that is one of the reasons sex was not on the table

gellaho

Shit, spotted by the fairies

GDC

She wakes up covered in glitter and missing her wallet.

gellaho

We've all been there

Brendo

Hell yeah, Mardi gras!

gellaho

Those fairy personal trainers don't fuck around

GDC

Putting your clothes on would be unproductive

Brendo

Fairy circle, and my sage did nothing!!

gellaho

Peter calls, and she thinks the field was a good bed

Velo

Space Field

gellaho

I mean, that's good I suppose

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Sure. You werent like dancing under the malign influence of the space Sidhe or anything.

Brendo

Sonja, this is awkward, but have you been having trysts with the Fine Folk in our herb garden?

Velo

Simon.

gellaho

Classic fairy cliffhanger

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Sonja, you know the fair ones arent to be trusted. Wait you did know about them, right?"

Ulysses finds a six hour video of his mom doing a striptease for Oberon in her herb garden.

gellaho

LEMME LOOK AT YOUR LEEEEEEGGGGGSSSSS

gellaho

LLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cool. Creeping on crookshanks, great job dude.

gellaho

I love her uncoordinated mouth

GDC

Ulysses has wet dreams about donating his sperm to make a test tube baby with Jenny.

Brendo

Legs are the lips of the below the naughty parts

gellaho

Big uh oh

GDC

They filled in the gaps with frog DNA.

gellaho

A healthy approach to therapy

GDC

Space mental health care still has a space stigma.

gellaho

You turn your entire house black when you get home, dude

Velo

Good news Ulysses! You can be both!

gellaho

And Ulysses gets a dream quest from an old lady

gellaho

Brendo

This is bullshit, they FIXED him.

Only the people we can't help deserve our hushed scorn.

Velo

He's still in the VR isn't he

gellaho

The Hardy Boys-esque conclusion to the video recording is that everything was erased

GDC

They're so heavily reliant on computers that suck and have attitude.

gellaho

LEMME LOOK AT YOUR LEEEEEEEGGGGSSS

Brendo

Ulysses, if you wish to physically interface, simply book an automated time in my VR calendar

gellaho

Very helpful, Simon

gellaho

psol

GDC

That certainly is a list of stars.

gellaho

That's probably not it

Brendo

Wolf 359 is so over. Wolf 220 is the new party zone

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Man i miss when refuelling for space ships was "visit the giant cloud of condensed gas at Jupiter."

gellaho

But, instead of the lesson Ulysses gets sent to a fantasy tavern

gellaho

gellaho

A buxom wrench offers him some booze

Velo

Did… did he just get VR isakaiied from the space ship he lives in?

gellaho

Of course, he's a wizard

gellaho

Fuckin nerd

GDC

Your mom would hate how unproductive this is

gellaho

Hey, look it's Riley

GDC

Riley rolled a Thief.

Velo

Of course he did, with his peasant face

gellaho

Getting drunk and talking about their old lady dreams

gellaho

LEMME LOOK AT YOUR FANTASY LEEEEEGGGGSSS

GDC

Jenny shows up in Red Sonja cosplay.

gellaho

What be this dragon?

GDC

Learning about dragons was deemed productive.

gellaho

They are accosted by some drunks

gellaho

Jenny objects

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This is the space equivalent of being told to do homework but you play World of Warcraft instead.

gellaho

By God, he's an adequate adept!

gellaho

Brendo

This is Hawke's '70s HS D&D nerd fantasy grafted onto his '90s holodeck nerd fantasy.

GDC

Hawke is Reg Barclaying it up.

gellaho

Are these teens or 60 year olds from 1850

Velo

That is how teens in the 90s talked

"What ho! You struck that man!"

"Good sir I do believe I did!"

They would say

gellaho

A mysterious stranger approaches with a quest

gellaho

They all had the same dream, wow. What are the odds?

GDC

He gives a long description of everyone's clothing that amounts to having a shapeless cloak and a weapon. Except for Jenny and her legs.

Velo

You're all in a fantasy world but sure let's talk about your weird dreams

Brendo

I saved your life, so morally you have to sleep with me.

gellaho

Then he batmans outta there

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

yay I'm caught up

so this story took a turn

GDC

They got Tronned into a DND session

gellaho

It's a secret, magical VR adventure

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok so the riddle is just that thing from Fellowship, with the writing that appears in moonlight, or something like that

because they're spaceship indoor kids

gellaho

The old lady from their dreams is a scientist from the first generation of the spaceship

gellaho

Who done went crazy

Velo

So she's a ghost

But a ghost inside the holodeck

GDC

Should have had some Counseling.

gellaho

Eventually she did

gellaho

Dork

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow what an earned development in their relationship

gellaho

Meanwhile, Ulysses' mom gets fairied again

Velo

Sonja get help

gellaho

Computer, I need to see my naked body in higher fidelity

GDC

She's getting addicted to space fairy roofies

gellaho

"Saleem, come check out my naked dancing!"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

we already did this once, Sonja, it's gonna get deleted

are you stupid?

Brendo

I am so tired of waking up naked in the mud.

Velo

Fairy attacks and LSD have the exact same symptoms

Brendo

Why do you say that? Are you holding any fairies?

gellaho

I need to get Saleem his cocaine coffee, oh and clothes

Velo

The exact same symptoms of LSD

GDC

I've had the same experience with Colt 45.

gellaho

Surprise gnome!

Velo

KILL IT

DO NOT SUFFER A GNOME TO LIVE

gellaho

That gnome stole my crystal!

GDC

Storing your videos on crystals practically begging for gnomes to steal them.

Velo

this is why we kill the gnomes, Sonja, get your shit together

gellaho

Nearmilk

FancyShark

Stew has been vanquished. What have I missed?

oo! Nearmilk!

Hi, @Tom Owns Diebel's Grave !

Also sorry for ducking out earlier

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

there are fairies which make people dance naked, except only one woman who gets naked repeatedly

and now she's chasing a leprechaun who stole the security footage

Brendo

Got your nearmilk right here, baby

FancyShark

I see Riley is still with us

Velo

He is yeah

If anything he's more with us than ever

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh yeah and the kids got sucked into a secret VR dnd quest

because they all had the same dream where the founding mother of the spaceship recruited them for an epic destiny

FancyShark

So this is Otherland meets Simon Hawke

Sweet

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

in the dnd game riley is playing the Rogue, Ulysses is playing the Wizard and Jenny is playing the Legs

gellaho

A devious suicide program

gellaho

gellaho

I'll never forgive you

You missed so much of Ulysses creeping on legs

FancyShark

Oh man. I'll have to go back

Velo

It was so much legs

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

and the naked woman talking to herself about how naked she was

FancyShark

Also, if they want a program so depressing it makes people kill themselves, they should get Vista

Velo

All the legs that the Facebook metaverse tried to have are in this book

FancyShark

BOOM

Timely

gellaho

YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE FOR REAL

Velo

Bite! That! Lip!

gellaho

You draw!? You fucking freak

FancyShark

"If you die in VR, you are reborn as Corn"

Velo

Fucking pervert

Handling pencils with your hands

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this whole society is made of fuckin dweebs

FancyShark

Jezebel

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

they're not even nerds because dnd is too scary for them

Velo

Stone her

Stone the woman

gellaho

"Do the pictures have boobs? Or legs?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"daughter, stop working on your art, go outside and get fucked by some boy"

said every parent

FancyShark

Just once, I want the secret artist who is being denied a chance to share their gift with the world to be absolute dogshit at art

gellaho

I feel like Ulysses is not holding up his end of the bargain

FancyShark

Just stick figures but wrong

gellaho

Luckily, there are plenty in the real world

Velo

I have wonderful news about the Internet

Velo

I have such wonderful news about Instagram specially

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

of course these space-homeschoolers have never seen art, so even if it sucks it'll be transcendental for them like Equilibrium

FancyShark

I want someone's life to be changed by ASCII art

Table flip should be someone's Rembrandt

gellaho

Jesus, you haven't heard of magic?

Brendo

My first encounter with it was BBSes playing games much like this VR so...I'm the best you're going to meet.

or was that ANSI

FancyShark

Hell yes

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

this scene could probably be a cutaway

gellaho

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I mean the readers HAVE heard of fairies and magic

so...

FancyShark

If we don't get some Wizard of 4th Street...

FancyShark

AAAGGGHHHH!

Brendo

If you die in the medieval Matrix--

"The body cannot live without the mind. Even one as stupid as yours, Ulysses."

FancyShark

God, the Inadequate Adept series was the hardest read

gellaho

Meanwhile, Jenny's mom exists

Velo

Hi Karen

FancyShark

She had also dissolved Jenny's father

gellaho

LEEEEEGGGGSSS

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

ok how long til she gets naked

Velo

I don't see any indication that she isn't already

FancyShark

She might be already

gellaho

Get those 105 year old cops out there

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

fairy's gonna burst out an airvent and make her strip in front of all 25 of her brave loyal officers

Velo

No scoops, only solidarity

Security from what?

FancyShark

From insecurity

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

from everyone in this perfect society going nuts

FancyShark

Also, space bees

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

to shreds, you say

Brendo

Karen does three phys ed programs a day but doesn't have the mental toughness to resists the Fae folk?

gellaho

Sounds like there were some emergencies

Velo

This is starting to sound like a you problem Karen

FancyShark

Nevertheless, they still went on high alert whenever a poor entered the 7/11

Yes, the ship has a 7/11. They're everywhere.

Velo

It has two 7/11s, the good one and the shady one that's always selling fresh bananas out of basket by the cash register for some reason

gellaho

Hardcore

GDC

Dude made a fallout weapon

FancyShark

Hell yes, engineer for the win

Hope he was the eleventh one or those others must've had really disappointing funerals

GDC

Seems like just getting recycled early is a lot less effort.

gellaho

Very helpful solutions

FancyShark

She's going to arrest anyone who's ever felt glum

gellaho

George Takei, no!

gellaho

Just eat a banana, guy

Brendo

Sounds like Karen's a bad shepherd for the people.

How can she police us when she can't even police herself from the Kindly Ones?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"we've tried being secretive and judgemental to anyone who's going through a hard time but the suicides haven't stopped!"

FancyShark

If your computer diagnoses you as depressed for NOT using it in three days, porn addicts must be the healthiest people alive

gellaho

"He's a puss, officer"

FancyShark

"Don't bother telling her. She'll be happier he's gone."

Brendo

Well at this stage, probably best to let her find out from the News-Holos.

gellaho

Peter shows up to see his fairy-addled wife

Velo

Oh right Peter exists

gellaho

Really going for it with the name Hippocrates for a doctor, Simon

Doctor Medicine Doctorson

FancyShark

Along with their gardener Gardner, their garbageman Trashy, and their engineer O'brian

gellaho

Sorry, Hippocrates is the computer

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wait til you meet the dentist, Dr Crentist

Velo

Simon was born with a critical deficiency of fucks to give

gellaho

I keep forgetting these computers have names for no reason

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

oh that makes more sense haha

gellaho

They just recap the fairy and thieving gnome business

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

it's also very easy to forget that they're computers because they have really annoying personalities which no one would ever choose to have in their work tool

Velo

Kill the gnome

Always kill the gnome

gellaho

Back to fantasyland

Velo

Oh right this is also happening

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

surprised we managed to say what Jenny's wearing without mentioning her legs

but I'm sure it's coming

gellaho

Solicitously

Velo

Another place, another time

GDC

Jenny solicits sympathy for his mom's gnome madness

gellaho

No Swiss army knives!? Simon! How could you!

Brendo

Saleem was Vid-Witnessing me naked today, Peter. He says my womb could never sustain life. You got LOGIC-CUCKED.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"we can use the hand spades to bury our faeces!"

FancyShark

WHAT

Brendo

SOMEONE played Sierra games as a child in the company of adults who were not relatives.

FancyShark

Jenny was thinking of her mother when she mentioned the fire

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

that's weirdly specific

Brendo

Mother so often danced in a witches' circle.

Velo

Feed the fire your art, Jenny!

gellaho

Time to make out

FancyShark

"If you know what I mean"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

wow

I've seen some unearned romances in my time but come on

gellaho

I let you look at my LEEEEEGGGGSSS

FancyShark

He was hoping you wouldn't notice that, Jenny

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

"you did the most incredible thing of all, Ulysses. You stared at me."

gellaho

Here come the fairies

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

uh oh

FancyShark

Get the swatter

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

hold on to your clothes, Jenny

gellaho

We must dance nakedly, said the boys

Velo

Jenny should be the main character

gellaho

Classic Simon reversal

Ulysses is weak to fairy, must be genetic

FancyShark

Must be psychic or dark type

Velo

I knew this would be Sonja's fault somehow, that corn loving idiot