129: The Whims of Creation Simon Hawke

FancyShark

This makes the Folksy Doctor sketch from KITH seem like prophecy

gellaho

Well, I got nothing and I'm going to get my own worthless therapy. Off to the next toilet

Brendo

I'm a JUNGIAN space psychiatrist. I believe these suicides are a type of shamanistic archetype for late-stage space exploration's peek into the void.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"To tell you the truth, im not even a qualified mental health professional. I just did real well on the ASVAB and here I am."

gellaho

VR seems unpleasant

FancyShark

"They told me I was a shit doctor and doggone if it didn't sound like my true calling"

gellaho

Riley goes to virtch himself off in the library

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Every one of those people is trying to avoid raising their real arms to grope the spectral titties they are playing with in VR/

The Late Eric Christian Berg

MUST. NOT. GROPE.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also the vr picked the right person for the wizard, Ulysses is a fuckin NERD.

Velo

Has he accomplished anything at all?

gellaho

No son of mine's going to make the best of himself

Velo

I know stuff has happened to him but none of that was really because of anything he did

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Dad........all due respect, but what the fuck are you talking about?

Like none of this is a game where everyone else has to go home with a smaller trophy.

Velo

"Dad do we seem like a thriving community?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

This all sounds like Commie talk to me

FancyShark

"You're a failure, son. It's time you accepted that. Now how about a sandwich?"

The Late Eric Christian Berg

Spaaaaace communism!

gellaho

Seems weird to have competitive sports at all if you don't like competition, but what do I know

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

This sounds like space hippy nonsense. How do you win the Hero of the Union of Socialist Space Republics medal if you dont do your best?!

Velo

Yes but they've 1984ed the sports to be non-competitive

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its all squash but nobody keeps score.

gellaho

Also possible everyone is bad at their jobs because they have no incentive to try hard or learn anything

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

To be fair, their jobs dont exist because the AI seems to handle everything.

Brendo

Later folks. Try not to space-kill yourselves without my jokes to convince you life is worth pagliaccing.

Velo

Feels kind of late in the book to be introducing this, Simon

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Guess they need those humanities degrees after all.

FancyShark

This is Hawke's Atlas Shrugged and it's way better than Ayn Rand

gellaho

If I die in the game, I might die for real! Neat!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean that is the literal plot of at least six animes.

So Simon Hawke is an anime trailblazer.

gellaho

Chicks will be all over me when I beat this video game

FancyShark

Actual marketing technique from the 1990s

gellaho

Huzzah! Proof of my virginity!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Sorry Ulysses, but you arent the kid with the power glove from The Wizard.

And he was right, it WAS bad. Terrible even.

FancyShark

Hawke also foresaw people needing reminders of where they were in a game they hadn't played in a while

gellaho

The unicorn takes him to the next quest: pigs

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

God the fetch quests in these games are so boring.

FancyShark

And then he finds another house made of sticks

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Has to bring five boar hides with a less than 20% drop rate to the quest giver.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

And then a third house made of noncompetitive teamwork

Dangerously Affordable Rachel :p

are we huffing and puffing and blowing in here

gellaho

Inside the house, he finds some legs

FancyShark

Hi, @Dangerously Affordable Rachel :p !

Baba Yaga could get it back then

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Look, those are long flights of stairs and im large, it takes more oxygen to power my mighty frame.

gellaho

Riley likes em with the wide mouth

Dangerously Affordable Rachel :p

"back then"

Velo

I hope she kills him

FancyShark

Awful lot of jewelry for a slop farmer

gellaho

LEEEEEGGGGSSS

Velo

We haven't forgot your deepfake porn scheme, Riley

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean its pretty cool when your lady can unhinge the top of her head.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I have a feeling this is a reference to the whore of babylon?

FancyShark

Outside, the hogs roll happily in their own waste

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Sometimes a woman with a wide mouth is just a woman who is part snake. No big deal.

gellaho

Sure, I'll drink whatever you got, mysterious lady

FancyShark

I hope so

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Close enough

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

If this doesnt end with fucking and someone getting thrown into a fire I want to speak to the manager.

gellaho

LEEEEEGGGGSSS

FancyShark

"I skip all the dialogue," he replied.

Velo

Kill! That! Teen!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I like how the Crowned Beast looks sort of derpy and the skeleton lady still has righteous titties.

gellaho

A name you can trust

FancyShark

hahaha

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I mean..........Just dont ask about the pork.

FancyShark

Especially if you've already had a few helpings

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its fine, once the polymorph takes hold its ethically the same thing.

gellaho

Oopsie doopsie

gellaho

Oink oink

FancyShark

Kids learned a lot the day they played "Hot Lady Makes You A Pig". Especially when they searched that term.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha what are these pig gifs from

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Willow!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Ah yeah, never seen it obviously

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The best fantasy movie with little people.

gellaho

Then dwarves take him away

Velo

One of the worst fantasy movies ever made

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Vile Daikini lies.

FancyShark

"Oompa Loompa doopity Urcy"

gellaho

Meanwhile, Ulysses is telling everyone about the secret program

Velo

Damn it Ulysses

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Just win the quest you loser

Velo

I hope we just never, ever mention Riley again

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

So if they disconnect Riley from the VR is he just gonna crawl around and oink?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

50 years later someone finds some dusty old bones in a ventilation shaft

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also Ulysses is going to be sent for Counselling when everyone on the ship finds out hes been playing Wizardry on the computer/

The Late Eric Christian Berg

Obviously, he committed "suicide".

gellaho

Karen's into it

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Hahahahah Dad out there being correct but still wrong.

Whats the worst that could happen?

gellaho

Meanwhile, Saleem gets fairied

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Just an endless, overlapping barrage of "HEY! LISTEN!"

FancyShark

Saleem is just a husk for the fairies to pilot now

gellaho

They find out Riley mysteriously disappeared from the library, but Karen's still into it

FancyShark

Insight or only possible reason?

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

I believe this is the first instance of male nudity on the board, which gives us a 3 to 1 ratio

gellaho

You are a child, sixteen year old

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

i love that nobody suspects Riley just took the VR thingy to go jerk off with.

gellaho

I stared at her legs, she aggressively tongue kissed me in VR, and we had one conversation where she told me she lost her virginity at 15 with a stranger. You know, love

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

WHEEEN THE MOON HITS YOUR EYE.....

This is boringly level headed.

Also I dont see why youd want to marry her, she cant even turn men into swine.

gellaho

Sonja and Peter have great pillow talk

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Think of your future, kid! You know how much money you can make on the dude to pig pipeline?!

Hahahahahah Dad is a true AI bro.

FancyShark

"AIs can generate literature, art and music better than people". Oh, Simon, no

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

He nuts when he sees one of those weird AI animated versions of famous album covers.

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Haha to be fair I think the text will ultimately come out against this stance

gellaho

Send out the SS Spermatozoa!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Hey seeing as how we are experiencing waves of depression, space madness, and suicide mayyyybe we DO need artists?"

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

There is no depression in ba sing se

gellaho

They move on to talking about their sixteen year old son boning, and that gets their motors going

FancyShark

He takes out a chart.

gellaho

"I love how quick you are in bed"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

It has meticulously sorted graphs.

Full AP citation and attribution.

Multiple citations per data point.

gellaho

Meanwhile, Ulysses creeps on Jenny, who's having a dream-memory about dolphins

FancyShark

It's like Google translate though. So the dolphin is getting nothing but insane gibberish

Et tu, Thrillho?

I'm here because cheesy sci-fi pulp novel dolphins happened

gellaho

They celebrate Jenny learning to swim by breathing in each other's mouths

FancyShark

Hi, @Et tu, Thrillho? !

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"Four lizards and a starfish? What is this, lyrics to Italian songs from the 80s?"

gellaho

You know the faces dolphins make when they communicate telepathically

gellaho

Et tu, Thrillho?

Mmm, that's good 60's 70's magic dolphin nonsense

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

See, this kind of thing is a waste of time because your DM will almost never have an aquatic campaign.

gellaho

Come on, naked girl, we've got to save our fantasy VR game!

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

4 to 1

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Im just glad that the movie version of this is starring 100% people who are like 30

FancyShark

The stakes so far: the heroes might not finish a video game

gellaho

But first, let's kill some of these pigs. I'm hungry

The Late Eric Christian Berg

The what now?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also their friend might be pig brained for the rest of his live, dont forget that.

gellaho

We should kill it, just to be sure

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Im imagining this as like a movie made in the 80s, sort of like a Friday the 13th level production.

The Late Eric Christian Berg

Ahhh. Scared me there for a minute.

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Alot of people you go "Oh that guy." and "Oh honey, not for this."

If I had money or a production company I would adapt all the works of Simon Hawke to film.

gellaho

I haven't been able to bring myself to tell the pigs about your passing

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I would employ so many puppetteers and practical effects artists.

Guard pig is a solid idea tbh

Pigs are smart.

Even when they werent previously dudes.

gellaho

Let me grab my people cups

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Fuck do not get those cups mixed up in the house of Circe, unless you want to.

gellaho

Got any pork?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Just be real sure which cup you use.

She keeps pigs but no bacon?! SUSPICIOUS!

gellaho

Ulysses apparently got something out of that mythology file

FancyShark

And now it's an After School Special

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

ITs just normal hospitality where Circe is from. Youre being insensitive by not letting her turn you into a pig.

Also you know what? Probably better being a pig.

You can find truffles!

gellaho

Cocaine is the only antidote!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cocaine is the solution to many wizard problems, yes.

FancyShark

Ulysses smirks. Both cups were actually cursed. He's spent years building up an immunity to plot development.

gellaho

Oink oink

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Awwww cute!

FancyShark

Dissolved in wheeeeee sounds fun

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Give her skritches with a stick and let her roll in some mud.

Velo

I know a doctor who can help with that

gellaho

Or Ulysses just used his magic, whatever

gellaho

FancyShark

Dammit, Ulysses

The Late Eric Christian Berg

Aw, he burned his first 1st-level spell slot!

Mazel tov!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Dude everyone knows you ritual cast detect magic now! Youre gonna need a short rest, what if you wanna clast sleep?!

gellaho

Ulysses decides threaten everyone with continued piggification

gellaho

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Be careful asshole, pigs have sharp teeth and can digest bone.

Velo

Leave Riley a pig

gellaho

And now: a field of naked men

FancyShark

Sounds like it's time for some Riley chops

Well, that threw off the ratio

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Yeah this is unquantifiable

gellaho

The naked men chase pig Circe off

gellaho

Porcirce?

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Classic blunder, not keeping your word to the sexy and now piggified sorceress.

Gonna bite you in the ass on Disk 3.

gellaho

I'm not sure if being carried off by naked men is much weirder than dwarves

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Do the dwarves have their dongs out?

Can they play basketball?

FancyShark

This is still one of their better dates

gellaho

Peter decides the best post-coital activity is spying on his son possibly boning

gellaho

All of their dates have involve Jenny with naked males not named Ulysses

FancyShark

Okay, this is their worst date. For Jenny

Velo

This is what happens when the only therapist for 100,000 people would rather be fixing his sink

gellaho

That's it, we're never having sex again

gellaho

Sounds like dwarves

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Why the hell are there shops on a fuckin space ship?

gellaho

You don't suppose they could be... space dwarves?

The Late Eric Christian Berg

Capitalism, baby! 💵

gellaho

Hybreeds like legendary psycho Rudy Breck from the Simon Hawke masterpiece Psychodrome

gellaho

(https://gellaho.com/audiobooks/9-psychodrome)

gellaho

Classic fantasy name: Gavin

FancyShark

"I skip the dialogue," Ulysses replied.

"You alr-"

Ulysses left.

gellaho

Riley concentrates too hard and accidentally shits himself

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

I have got to get my brain to stop going "FOR ZE LAYDEE! FOR BWETONNAI!" whenever I read the word

"lady" someday.

gellaho

MOISTEN!

THOSE!

LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"If you try too hard you shit your pants."

gellaho

Welp, time for a nap

FancyShark

She can eat your bones in adorable little bites

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The squealing is surprisingly loud.

gellaho

Jenny thinks this is a great time to bone

FancyShark

Next, Riley tries to hook up with a snake-haired woman

gellaho

"Don't you want to make love with me?" said the sixteen year old

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Its fine as long as you have a ready supply of antivenin and a blindfold.

FancyShark

The bearskin rug, sadly, is still attached to the original owner

gellaho

It certainly doesn't

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

His name was Ted and Circe wouldnt listen to him when he said he was a leather daddy and not a bear.

FancyShark

The goblet was horrific

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also if it doesnt count then thats a great reason to do it, imo.

gellaho

Jenny really wants to cyber

gellaho

MOISTEN! THEM! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPSSSSS!

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Call it a dry....no. not that........a milk.........no not that either.........Practice. You can practice.

Velo

A lot of our books recently have had heroes who steadfastly refuse to fuck

gellaho

Let's get you out of those wizard robes

Velo

Grant Ryals

That Irish guy from the Scarrow book

FancyShark

Ulysses

Velo

That's not a bit I can't remember his name

FancyShark

Frank Hardy

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

The only time a woman says this to anyone is when her son has been playing too long and its bath time.

Velo

Yep definitely both Hardys

Obviously Gellaho isn't choosing them based on that, but it's interesting that so many terrible and or insane authors add that to their stories

gellaho

The parents go to what is essentially a town meeting

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

PROGRAM X!

gellaho

That does seem like a problem

FancyShark

I'm sure that's fine

It's not like they're getting out

wait

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

SO the dastardly science hippy invented GMOD, got it.

gellaho

Fucking space hippies

FancyShark

hahaha

I hope he did that before learning they could communicate

gellaho

Shut up, Lars

FancyShark

Look, it's genocide or Riley gets laid. I think you know which is the worse outcome.

gellaho

"This has nothing to do with wanting the hot elf wife of my fantasies"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

You have to hand it to the Swedish dolphin fucker, hes right on this one.

FancyShark

"We admit we should have looked into that one room siphoning 80% of the ship's power"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Also one should point out that when you create lifeforms, you probably shouldnt genocide them because your other ones might get ideas that they are next, and the AIs run your whole deal.

gellaho

This is how sixteen year olds who just had sex for the first time behave

gellaho

"Also, congrats on the sex"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Ive always found it a bad sign when you ask someone "What are you thinking about?" and they reply "I dont know."

You could just say "Cakes."

FancyShark

"Don't leave me hanging, bro," the lady said.

gellaho

"Are you deaf, the fucking Wizard's Castle! I already said it twice!"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

"The gifts we were born with?"

"ADHD. I mean ADHD."

Velo

Leave Riley

gellaho

Breakfast dwarves

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

And that concentration is why dwarf pancakes are just better.

gellaho

"I fucked a lonely lady on your ship"

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Cant spell "Grailing" without "railing" as they say.

gellaho

Off to see the wizard

FancyShark

That elf created blister packaging

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Can't spell windwalker without wanker, as they say

gellaho

Fuck off

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

God fuck off with your cryptic bullshit, knife eared goober.

Ozzie

I can't fucking believe this is what I walked in here on

I'm leaving

gellaho

Continue fucking off

Tom Owns Diebel's Grave

Hahaha

Doubled down on that one

FancyShark

Hi, @Ozzie ! Bye, @Ozzie !

Simon wrote this while he was high, didn't he

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

Elves are always like this.

Fuckin dicks.

The Late Eric Christian Berg

What sort of jackass changes his name from the awesome 'Nicholas Valentin Yerkmakov' to Simon-fucking-Hawke?

Velo

What gave you that impression? Was it how insufferable everything is?

gellaho

Meanwhile, the parents decide to ask the computer if the lady behind all this ever said anything about the current situation

gellaho

Probably should have tried that earlier

FancyShark

Still better than the Reluctant Sorceror

gellaho

Dwarves out here stealing more kids

FancyShark

Although this book would be improved by someone extolling the gift appeal of swiss army knives

gellaho

Damn disruptives, not giving up their VR pornography

Flippant Sausage Beyond Oblivion

How can demand for something fluctuate in a closed system?!