gellaho
Oopsie
130: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #78: Ring of Evil #3: The Pacific Conspiracy Franklin W. Dixon
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The ultimate human evil is always coiled...and ready to strike!
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Brendo
dafuq
snek and dino but no sharc
FancyShark
"Hi, boys. You think you could get me out of here? I haven't eaten a musk ox in weeks and I'm very hungry."
gellaho
Buy National Geographic, kids
FancyShark
I mean, the dragon has to bite them, then wait a while for them to die
gellaho
Damn these impossibly smooth walls!
Brendo
All he's done is incentivize intruders to speedrun the break-in
gellaho
Don't worry about any tension. They get it on try two
Brendo
Komodos aren't dinosaurs because their hip shape is different.
and the closest living relative of the t. rex is a chicken.
FancyShark
And hips don't lie
Brendo
do with that what Joe will.
gellaho
Look at these smooth walls
gellaho
And that torch Joe definitely didn't have
Brendo
I'm just gonna say toilet bite is an asshole strategy
very Trump realty brand
FancyShark
Poison build is a good cheese strategy tho
GDC
You don't get credit when sepsis does all the work
Velo
Furious about the lack of lizards in fire right now
gellaho
Well, the plan failed. But, nevertheless MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
What a fun adventure
GDC
Long way to go for some graham crackers
Brendo
Chet is a foil to both brothers somehow.
gellaho
The next morning MUST CONSUME
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I guess there's always a chance they'll end up in an ancient temple with a different Komodo Dragon
gellaho
Hot
FancyShark
English muffins, that very American food
They didn't have to be lukewarm
gellaho
WE MUST FEED, BROTHER
FancyShark
Bill has a full day planned
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Hot water is a corruption invented by the decadent West to destroy proud native bacteria
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
FancyShark
Joe will have vengeance right after noms
Velo
So much of this book is food
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
The peanuts get a second mention. They are actually going to be relevant to the plot somehow
gellaho
Oh, six whole programs. You are an expert
gellaho
I'm not seeing it
FancyShark
Programs, not languages
Brendo
But indonesians don't EAT eggs?!?!?!
Maybe egg is slang for grapefruit
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
I'll have you know I am proficient with Kidpix and Space Cadet Pinball
Brendo
Russians put lemon in coffee. Never has a nation so needed to exit the world stage.
I am calling on all patriot Hardys to genocide the russian people.
gellaho
Back on the boat, things not looking good
FancyShark
"She hit her head puppeteering"
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Uh oh
Brendo
This is the Endang.
gellaho
I told you, no fe-males
Brendo
You can beat women in kids' books, as long as it's offscreen.
gellaho
Or, it's the back of Nancy Drew's head
FancyShark
"Joe horny...?"
gellaho
Lady's Man
Brendo
Violence stirred Joe's loins. The punishment of the filthy weaker sex moved Frank's.
Goddamn, Nwali, that's cold.
gellaho
JOE FORGET HOW MUCH JOE WANT SMASH
Brendo
I can't keep track of all Joe's dead ladies.
How many died by water snake?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
gellaho
I know what'll convince them, if I act like a different person
FancyShark
I don't think he's called it that yet
FancyShark
This is much closer to the Joe Hardy we thought he was when we started these books
gellaho
Bang bang
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Joe kinda forgot about his character arc but it didn't forget about him
FancyShark
Joe headbutts the gun. "It won't fire!"
gellaho
Frank is having the time of his life
gellaho
Of course, Frank was producing his own thick, viscous fluid from working on these computations
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Weird
gellaho
Frank accesses Krinski's school presentation on plate tectonics
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
This nuclear physicist is just obsessively calculating what happens if you drop a bowling ball in gravy
gellaho
Important science
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Nwali is asking when the nuke will be ready and he's like "soon, soon!"
Velo
Delicious important science
gellaho
Give that java a little more kick
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ok I think the actual plan is to drop a nuke into magma to disrupt the tectonic plates and cause a superquake
This is also the plot of a terrible novel written by a friend of a friend in high school
gellaho
Obviously, nuking Indonesia will affect America's east coast. And England, somehow
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
It was called Reigning June
The main character was drafted into world war 3 to fight the robot japanese
Brendo
We will nuke the landmasses, fusing them into a single supercontinent, as it was before the corrupt American west influenced the nations of the world.
GDC
This is just the plot of the first Superman movie.
gellaho
Meanwhile, Joe had an equally big problem
Brendo
wait I was joking
gellaho
This is where we're at with the Hardy Boys
Or, where we were at 30 years ago
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Nwali wants to sail the darkness of the cosmos with this dead planet as his vessel
FancyShark
It's basically billiards but with continents
gellaho
Luckily, Joe gets to punt this problem down the line
Velo
Has Joe considered solving this problem with food?
FancyShark
Nwali, you could just shoot her
You gave Joe plenty of time
And she was inviting people to a puppet show with degraded art
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Shooting someone takes a long time
Like 10 or even 20 minutes
gellaho
Well, time for more snacking with Frank
FancyShark
Krinski was flabbergasted. Why hadn't the poison cookies worked yet?
gellaho
And their snacking shall be their undoing!
FancyShark
Snacktrayal!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
The Hardys suck so bad
Brendo
I got an international snack box from Indonesia and it was dope. Shrimp crackers for days.
gellaho
See, Joe would be unironically thinking that
Brendo
Joe is Rasputin, is why.
Brendo
What's better than cookies, Joe?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
gellaho
More head trauma for Joe
GDC
Later than I expected.
gellaho
Ghostwriter worked hard for this bad joke
GDC
I thought that guy loved american stuff
Brendo
I was at Stalingrad, you little shit. Did the Nazis bring us cookies?
gellaho
Krinski wants to give them cement shoes
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
These guys are just now figuring out how to dispose of bodies? Aren't they... Assassins?
GDC
Just feed them to the lizard, it's right there.
FancyShark
"Wait, we feed the dragon...of course! Get the buckets we use to feed the dragon and toss them in the ocean!"
gellaho
Some head trauma for Frank
FancyShark
No no, they're called The Assassins, but they're terrorists, see
gellaho
Frank eating shit was the perfect distraction
gellaho
They teach you all about uzis in karate class
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Untying them won't un-concrete them, of course
gellaho
Joe takes a dip anyway
gellaho
Frank's computer brain accurately counts the seconds in a crisis
gellaho
*Dove
GDC
Luckily Joe's heavily scarred brain requires less oxygen
gellaho
Now, while Joe is drowning, let's construct a pulley system with an ironic twist
FancyShark
hahaha
gellaho
Dove, goddammit
GDC
Boris emerges a second later with dozens of snakes latched onto him.
gellaho
Ignoring Joe's terrible gag, Endang displaying immense strength
gellaho
Back to snack
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
What does it take to rattle these guys? They fear neither death nor pain
FancyShark
They are jaded as hell
gellaho
Even the dragon
FancyShark
The dragon was the only one that could drive the ship
gellaho
Hey, Gray
gellaho
gasp
FancyShark
✋ Excuse me. Ghost writer? We figured that out in the first book. Do we need to be here for this?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Yes tie up every last loose end
gellaho
I can't see why that location would be important
gellaho
🌋
gellaho
Just blow some Krakatoa up, see what happens
Velo
Frank I'm pretty sure those two names are pronounced almost exactly the same
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
On this cursed aisle Krinski will enact his hellish plan to drop a bowling ball into a vat of gravy. We have to stop him.
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
gellaho
HOW DARE HE INTERRUPT OUR FEEDING, BROTHER
FancyShark
Joe, what are you going to do? Citizen's arrest the nuclear terrorists?
Velo
Consume
gellaho
Dead Butch comes in clutch
gellaho
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh yeah the clue
Forgot about that
gellaho
I MUST CONSUME, HUMAN
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"come on, what am I gonna do? Something stupid and crazy?"
Velo
"Yes I think that's exactly what you're trying to do."
gellaho
So advanced
FancyShark
What good is a locker for card keys?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"Hi, this card isn't mine but I won it in honourable snake combat, so legally that transfers ownership right"
gellaho
Sick, time to skip town
gellaho
Some pre-9/11 airplane hijinks
FancyShark
hahaha
Nwali from Bali gunning for Tivia of Nivia's throne
gellaho
Pretty solid
Frank uses Butch's money to mock his death
FancyShark
Well, that baby's dead
gellaho
Out the food elevator, and off to Bali
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
That's the thing about plane food, its flatness
gellaho
At Butch's hotel, they helpful meet Forrester
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Everyone knows that, that's why it's a great joke
Terrorist asset just hanging out in a hotel using his real name
No wonder the Network couldn't find him. This guy's good
gellaho
Good luck other than him being dead, anyway
FancyShark
Make sure to get your fingerprints all over the corpse, Joe
gellaho
Some fun corpse details for the kids
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Don't worry Forrester is so good at hiding I doubt anyone will ever find the body
gellaho
What a wacky coincidence
FancyShark
Hot
Except for the corpse
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Cold
FancyShark
He's only warm at best
gellaho
That's exactly what you are
GDC
Like, definitionally.
gellaho
Another fun detail for the kids, a volcanic eruption has destroyed an entire island
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Oh no, this will disrupt spice production
GDC
The guild is going to be pissed
gellaho
Which the Assassins can do without the H-bomb. Don't ask for specifics
gellaho
Oh, and ask for $10,000,000,000 from the UN
GDC
To guarantee your ultimatums are delivered on time, trust FedEx
gellaho
It's a fun adventure for all ages
GDC
Just look for puppet shows
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Follow the peanut shells
gellaho
Frank finds some disgusting blueprints
GDC
See, now that's a site plan.
gellaho
Super Mario Construction Supplies
FancyShark
"Well, this is useless. We've learned nothing."
gellaho
Really needed the full wardrobe itinerary, ghostwriter
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Traffic in Indonesian cities can be pretty wild
gellaho
Joe says fuck your once-a-hundred-year ritual
gellaho
I'm sure whatever happened the last time isn't important
We definitely don't have a terrorist obsessed with his culture or something
FancyShark
I'm sure that's fine
gellaho
gasp Nwali's vacation plans!
gellaho
Well, that makes sense
FancyShark
The ceremony involves tossing a hydrogen bomb into the volcano
gellaho
Krakatoa was a distraction
GDC
That's not a lot of time by volcano standards
gellaho
You can just throw an H-Bomb anywhere over there and the effect will be the same
gellaho
The simulations prove it
FancyShark
Thermonuclear detonations and plate tectonics aren't exact sciences
gellaho
Joe takes some time to appreciate the scenery during this international crisis
gellaho
They get on dirt bikes, and once again, Frank loses a tire
FancyShark
And now they go back down the road and get the tire fixed
gellaho
Endang getting closer and closer to death
gellaho
🥜
gellaho
They are such good international terrorists
GDC
Just let the kids join in the raid on the terrorist compound, for a treat.
gellaho
Dundundun
Velo
Who
FancyShark
GASP
Wait, yeah, who?
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
You know
Gina
Brendo
Gina is alive! And perhaps willing to entertain a threesome with Endang!
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Renowned character Gina
Brendo
Damn, Gina.
gellaho
I can't believe they would lie
Brendo
We all saw this coming.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Don't the assassins also clone people
GDC
Confusion is Joe's natural state.
gellaho
Such a fool
gellaho
Really sad about Joe's watch
A true tragedy
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Was gina from the airport story?
gellaho
Old, dead, Solomon Mapes
gellaho
Solomon Mapes' girlfriend who really wanted to be in on their investigations
Yes, not hard to believe they'd remember the Hardys after all their encounters
gellaho
I'm not sure why they did all the rest of this shit though
FancyShark
Because the Assassins, like the Hardys, are idiots. Beautiful, hilarious idiots
GDC
The Hardys were like puppets, but not good ones like I like
gellaho
I'm Spartacus, but for murder
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"we purposely let you have a Hardy Boys adventure so the book could have a plot"
gellaho
But, let's not kill them yet
gellaho
Just more head punching
FancyShark
You are BLOWING UP INDONESIA! YOU DON'T NEED HOSTAGES!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Frank is way behind
Velo
Someone doesn't know how to throw a hostage party
gellaho
Only one man on the entire planet eats peanuts
FancyShark
At the rate he's eating them, that might be true
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
Ah, the satisfying conclusion to the peanut arc
gellaho
Frank goes back to the young man who leant them the bikes, who offers to guide him up to the crater which has been off-limits for three months
FancyShark
"C'mon, innocent bystander. You've lived a full enough life."
gellaho
But, first they have to go to his mom's house
FancyShark
Aw. The snacks are thoughtful of her.
GDC
Mom has packed supplies for suicide missions before.
gellaho
"I hear in your country they have big tits"
FancyShark
Oh, so Haji wants to make bombs
GDC
Worse, he dreams of being a tech bro
Brendo
Can you get me american citizenship and introduce me to the Jenna Jameson?
gellaho
And, say goodbye to Haji
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
"it's fine, Gray will show up in a helicopter or something. That's how all our adventures end."
FancyShark
We'll never forget you, Hagi
gellaho
They brought it back to life, don't ask how
GDC
Haji consigns another corpse to the mountain.
Tom Owns Diebel's Grave
GDC
Joe vs the volcano
Velo
Added new lava. Next question.
Brendo
Nuke a volcano, wrestle a komodo, bore the audience anyway
gellaho
This is a lot of unnecessary infrastructure for dropping a bomb into a volcano
FancyShark
I'm telling you, the nuking of the volcano has to be part of the festival
There is no way someone didn't ask why a nuclear facility was being built on the ritual site
gellaho
My boner has failed me once again
FancyShark
hahaha, no, Joe
No
GDC
The scheme is halfway between Superman the movie and Austin Powers.
FancyShark
With a splash of CW for spice
gellaho
Joe with the school grade taunts
gellaho
Ah, yes, that small piece of glass will definitely cut through rope
gellaho
And don't tell Endang what's going on, for sure
FancyShark
I envy Endang's ability to sleep through Armageddon