gellaho
Editor working hard
41: Psi-Man: Main Street D.O.A. David Peters
#3 Psi-Man
Tags:
He's a mind-force warrior, fighting his deadliest foe in a high-tech playground...
Archive
FancyShark
Firmware Update Day is like the Battle of Helm's Deep
gellaho
I think Peter David thinks cartoons are real
FancyShark
Androids are cheaper than a sweaty 20-something that can't press charges, sure
gellaho
Please stop
FancyShark
Wholesome, wholesome, SEX
gellaho
Why is this the throughline
Time for Pornland!
FancyShark
Iiiiiit's not for people with a relationship, Chuck
gellaho
FancyShark
The whiplash on this is getting violent
Signore Bastardo
Welcome to Joyland! Do you have proof of relationship?
"Yeah. My wife won't stop criticizing me."
Go on in, sir!
tim allen grunts thank you
FancyShark
"I don't need to show proof!"
"Have it your way. Guards, get the swab"
gellaho
Oops, looks like Peter's erotic fantasy will have to wait
Signore Bastardo
"The charming Mexican woman" feels way more loaded than "The affable Italian plumber."
Signore Bastardo
It's an Eminem partyyyyyyyy!
FancyShark
Everyone loves the Moby Murder Show that happens every day at noon
Signore Bastardo
Two trailer park girls, take up your outside positions!
gellaho
I feel like there are other drugs to try
Signore Bastardo
Obi! DJ Green Lantern! Bust it for the busters!
FancyShark
Snapple is much more hardcore in this world
Signore Bastardo
Snap, do we have that on the Psyber Blacke Monday list?
Nitro, Cheatcode, Overclock, Red Zip, Zonk, Rumor, nope, we're good.
gellaho
How are all these the same drug
Signore Bastardo
Our drugs are the best part of our worldbuilding.
FancyShark
Time Bomb is concerta
Signore Bastardo
Kryptonite rules in effect.
gellaho
If only this mascot had some kind of massive, cushioned head
FancyShark
Moby hasn't had a boner this hard in years
Signore Bastardo
The government is the terrorists.
How did they brief Seal Team Sixteen here?
FancyShark
"Kill the duck. That is all."
Signore Bastardo
"Men, you are going into the safest mission of your lives. Indeed, you have been dropped into the most dangerous places on earth. But you've never been anywhere like this."
"Who's the target, sir?"
:screen unfurls, revealing a hulked-out duck.
gellaho
If there was only some short name for this kind of weapon
Signore Bastardo
The body is immune to physics if the brain doesn't tell it to obey them.
Wile E. Coyote rules are back in play.
FancyShark
The safest place on earth, plus taser charges
gellaho
The man's arm was a balloon
Signore Bastardo
For PEOPLE
Not for ducks
gellaho
AIKIDO
FancyShark
If he bleeds out another 30 gallons, this is officially an anime
Signore Bastardo
I don't know why we're even plodding ahead without @Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G.This is a facade. A duck dies, and I feel nothing. Not even an aikido throw could move me.
FancyShark
"Hi, I'm Peter David. Thanks for buying the latest book in my series. I'm going to explain aikido to you the same way as the previous books. You're welcome."
gellaho
Chuck trying to reason with the drug-addled berserker who just killed a cartoon duck
Signore Bastardo
He enhances his aikido with TK.
Tae...Kwan...do?
Telekinetics DOES, baby.
Chuck, just pinch off his aorta.
Stop overexerting yourself.
FancyShark
Chuck, negotiating with meth addicts
gellaho
"Do you still want to go to Pornland?"
Signore Bastardo
...how hard does this lady throw?
FancyShark
But they had their retinas scanned! How could this happen?!
Signore Bastardo
and how did she knock his frontal lobe to the back?
FancyShark
MEXICAN aikido
gellaho
STOP
FancyShark
She better be emitting some sort of I'm-Not-A-Psychic pheromone and that's what they smell or this can't possibly have a worthwhile payoff
gellaho
Sad sack Chuck is back
Signore Bastardo
Charming Mexican aikido?
gellaho
Chuck says no weird
Signore Bastardo
I had a work crush who was charming, long-legged, and had an oval face framed in long brown hair, but she was not psychic. I would absolutely put a fiver on her being the clutch cobblestone hero to end a spree killing though.
"Nooooo."
gellaho
Oh, yes, the worst named character in history is back
Signore Bastardo
Reuel Beutel.
The rural juror.
FancyShark
That's a name that ends Scrabble night with bloodshed
gellaho
... Hello?
Signore Bastardo
That junta leader is already dead.
Twist: Connie is actually from Guatemala and she wants revenge on Reuel for killing el presidente before she could.
gellaho
Why has another book been inserted into this book
FancyShark
Might as well get the right lung while I'm in here
gellaho
Beutel has arrived
I hate typing this name
gellaho
He also talks like he's on ludes
Violent Bumbling Avenger Javo
Is he in the book a lot?
FancyShark
Beutel had memorable cameos in Live And Let Die and The Man With The Golden Gun
gellaho
I really would like to know where this is going
gellaho
I'm sure he will be
Violent Bumbling Avenger Javo
So you're saying that this book may not be pretty, but it will certainly be Beutel-full
gellaho
So weird
FancyShark
Then a giant version of Moby Duck smashes through the wall, Wes freaks out and eventually turns into a giant blob monster that explodes over Tokyo while Kaneda watches
gellaho
Sure, just put Acme in there you hack
Signore Bastardo
The Jersey shore is beautiful, though.
It is streets ahead of anything else in the northeast.
FancyShark
Nick Jackalson lacks the quiet dignity of Wile E Coyote
Signore Bastardo
Beloved children's character Wall-Eyed Pike.
Just Jerry Lewis making ableist jokes for 7 minutes, every episode.
gellaho
Meanwhile, a sexy woman repeatedly calls Simon sad
FancyShark
A beautiful woman saying encouraging things to a total nerd with self-esteem issues? What was Peter basing this on?
Signore Bastardo
This book will help you out if you have too much blood in your body.
gellaho
Chuck Simon's dick got hard as he thought of his dog, Rommel
gellaho
Signore Bastardo
Rommel is going to Cyrano his sex moves.
Bend female over on all fours. Bite neck to hold her in place. Defecate to prevent competing males from approaching
gellaho
Chuck's dick is attempting to flee
FancyShark
eXtreme twitching
Signore Bastardo
Chuck can't let his heart be psi-hurt again.
gellaho
Goddammit
FancyShark
Peter's way too into this
gellaho
I don't appreciate how close these two are
gellaho
Goddammit again
Signore Bastardo
Oh God, their psi-dicks are going to touch during intercourse.
gellaho
This is unacceptable
Signore Bastardo
For a brief moment, Chuck will know the pleasure of a bitch in heat, while Rommel...Romemel...dear God.
Rommel will never again be satisfied by aught but the stankest of puss.
DIDN'T I SAY
FancyShark
So this ends like Young Frankenstein?
Signore Bastardo
"What a set of psi-knockers!"
gellaho
I hate this
FancyShark
"Oh! Sank you, psi-doctor!"
Chuck now has an insatiable desire for kibble
gellaho
This goes on for so long
I hate you, Peter David
FancyShark
Not as much as the editor that had to proofread that
gellaho
Back to the plot as if that didn't happen
It's almostlike it should have been cut
FancyShark
Now it's Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
gellaho
Wes and his cartoon duck are on a road trip
So yes
FancyShark
"All you have to do is shoot the president, Wes. Then Jodie Foster will love you."
gellaho
And now a short story about a driver wanting to shoot an old man for driving under the speed limit
FancyShark
I mean, we've all been there
gellaho
And the driver is dead
And that was Chapter 10, I hope you enjoyed it
FancyShark
hahahaha
Peter David takes a moment to future-condemn automated cars
gellaho
Editor still doing great work
FancyShark
A ferral panther with a tynee hed
Signore Bastardo
Maybe he was irony
ironish
gellaho
Chuck got laid, so he is no longer wimpy
Signore Bastardo
Wait, I was making chili. Did they just by-proxy Connie into having sex with a dog?
FancyShark
This is how incels think sex works, right?
Signore Bastardo
For comedy?
gellaho
Kinda
FancyShark
Rommel brain-melded with Chuck so Chuck fucked like a werewolf
gellaho
Peter David would never change his name
gellaho
Wait
gellaho
I wonder if Peter David has daddy issues
Signore Bastardo
That means Rommel gave it to that German shepherd like a tender Quaker
gellaho
It's not like there was anything in Photon to indicate that
It's not like the evil computer was called DAD or something
FancyShark
Only MOM understood and supported the heroes
gellaho
Sho'nuff
Signore Bastardo
"I am Fotie, champion of BOTON! Warriors from across the galaxy compete in a high-stakes game of marksmanship! If your opponent's volley lands in your mouth--"
FancyShark
I think we have the line of the night
Signore Bastardo
I'm a professional. Don't try these jokes at home.
FancyShark
I'm afraid to ask what issues Peter was working out with Lord Baethan's crush on the 10-year-old girl
gellaho
Stealing from RoboCop now
gellaho
gellaho
Chuck Simon: unfamiliar with The Beatles, knows Ben-Hur
FancyShark
@Tommyg13, Long Island Iced G ! Join us for more Psi-Man!
Signore Bastardo
A volkswagen Rabbit has more HP than the chariot race in Ben Hur
gellaho
Eat a dick, Peter David!
It's not cute, stop it
FancyShark
That Peter David. Always with the Green Lantern references
Signore Bastardo
The irony that Disney would eventually buy 20 years of Peter's life work.
FancyShark
"Peter, come into our office. We found some books you wrote in the 80s and 90s."
gellaho
These books have to say Rommel more than an encyclopedia on WWII
FancyShark
Or the Hamburglar
gellaho
No, Peter. Bad Peter. You said the temperature has to be much higher than that
It's late November in California, don't bullshit me
FancyShark
So LA was sitting at two degrees Fahrenheit in the 90s? And that was unbearably hot?
Signore Bastardo
Let the dog drive, there's a safety buffer program to prevent crashes.
gellaho
Fuck off
FancyShark
Peter David, age 5
Signore Bastardo
Now now
gellaho
FUCK OFF
Stop doing that
Signore Bastardo
He got Trump right, maybeChuck drives a Tesla.
gellaho
You can't do that every ten pages
"Isn't what I'm writing ridiculous?"
FancyShark
Yeah. You're not Joss Whedon
Signore Bastardo
I like how every PAD book, he stops to make sure you, the reader, are as keenly aware how outlandish all this is as its characters are.
Reminder that the Tesla series spell out S3XY, so RAC would actually track.
do we have a story?
like the repelled a single attack at the safest place, Chuck's just hanging out, boning bitches in heat now, right?
FancyShark
I think the story so far is President wants to kill Disney, Chuck got laid and his balls dropped
gellaho
Remember that Chuck used aikido and psychic communication with trees to see blind last book
gellaho
Well, right now he's trying to catch an old man and a cartoon duck
FancyShark
And tumors? Hahahaha, what are those?
Signore Bastardo
Ah yes, trees. Famous for their ability to sense moving objects
FancyShark
What could people that only see by radar hope to get from a Haunted House?
"Oh no. A thing is moving."
"Aaahh. Scary."
gellaho
"And we kept on the reflective contacts that reduce our vision and pretended to be blind for... reasons"
Signore Bastardo
Fear of knowing that it's not just dark for them, it's actually dark?
FancyShark
"We love Evil Dead cosplay, okay?"
gellaho
RIP Connie
You existed to get fucked like a dog
Signore Bastardo
Jesus, Gellaho.
gellaho
I am not exaggerating
That was it
FancyShark
Well, she had sex with Chuck. That's all the character development she was allowed.
Signore Bastardo
It was really Chuck's character development.
gellaho
So grumpy about the murder
Signore Bastardo
I don't know any Quakers, but if they're anything like Unitarians, no dog-ferocity is required.
I bet she lives.
June's a double agent, Connie's knocked out, etc.
CPU's gonna run out of battery. I will set a {savepoint} here. Have fun, you kooks.
FancyShark
Later, Brendan! Have a good one!
gellaho
The chronometer read a little after 12 noon, or as a human might say: "the clock said noon"
Signore Bastardo
"Clockotron! What hour-time is it?"
FancyShark
<Sigh> "It's 12 clock units to the hour-when."
gellaho
Wes is back to his old animation studio, The Wonder Academy
FancyShark
Are we going to find out he's some superpowered psychic who can warp reality? Because as fun as the creepy subplot is, it feels unnecessary
gellaho
He encounters a bunch of meth heads
gellaho
Potentially
FancyShark
YES. OLD LUNATIC VS TWEAKERS
gellaho
Like the dogfight from the last book, you ain't getting it
FancyShark
DAMN YOU, PETER DAVID!
gellaho
Nevermind, Chuck is still a wimp
FancyShark
Oh good. That'll make what happened to Connie much worse
gellaho
Rommel is a blood thirsty monster
With a name like that, who would have guessed
FancyShark
If I was 13, this would be so cool to read and then never tell people about
gellaho
Old man somehow survives his crucifixion
FancyShark
Thanks, Peter. You had meth addicts brutalize a sad old man
gellaho
Beutel showed up finally. You remember him? He was supposed to be the villain of this book
FancyShark
Oh right. The overarching plot and stuff
gellaho
How'd he figure out how to get here? Who knows
FancyShark
Peter was so focused on psychic dog sex and victimizing the infirm that he forgot to tell a coherent narrative
gellaho
Chuck does his second "Simon Says" pun
gellaho
The first one was better
Radio Smasher GDC
That nice was just when the publisher accidentally printed Peters David's marginalia.
FancyShark
Thank god he killed only faceless drones instead of people with families and lives
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Chuck suck it the fuck up
*Oh, no. I killed the guy who was trying to kill me"
FancyShark
Every one of these books would be 200 pages thinner if Chuck would grow a pair
gellaho
Deus ex Wonder Helicopter
FancyShark
So Beutel can't do helicopters?
gellaho
He can control the wind, so yes. But he is weak to comic hijinks
FancyShark
Nice work, Chuck! He'll keep killing people now!
gellaho
I guess Wes is going to die anyway. So that was worth it
FancyShark
Fuck you, Peter David. This is just mean-spirited
gellaho
Time to invade Disneyland
FancyShark
Beutel also prepared to ignore that order
gellaho
Oh, Connie's alive
Peter David decided to skip over how
FancyShark
Hey, @Signore Bastardo was right!
gellaho
She just kind of showed up
FancyShark
Where are the people that drugged her?
gellaho
Who knows, she's at peace or some shit
And she survived?
Eh, I'm getting tired of him being coy
FancyShark
It's a robot or psychic mask or they peeled off her face
gellaho
Still enough pages left to include some more daddy issues
FancyShark
And liiiiips!
gellaho
Aw, isn't that sweet
FancyShark
dawww
Thanks, crucifying tweakers!
gellaho
No time for that though, ATVS!
FancyShark
Okay. We've probably still got enough pages for total chaos, a climactic showdown AND Chuck whining about not wanting to use his cool powers
gellaho
Does Beutel like guns or what
Like a seesaw is Peter David
FancyShark
Yet we'll be denied a sweet fight between Rommel and some cyborg beast and Chuck will probably just aikido the gun out of Beutel's hand
gellaho
Beutel hates guns
FancyShark
Is Beutel a bad guy? He's such a nuanced character, I'm not sure
gellaho
Clever?
FancyShark
I'll allow it
gellaho
Fuck you, Peter David
FancyShark
Oh, I see. Wonder made Maximum Overdrive and Lawnmower Man
gellaho
Or just keep that shitty train rolling
FancyShark
Get it? GET IT?!
gellaho
Man, he really thought he had something
FancyShark
Holy shit, he made Murderworld
Signore Bastardo
Strung out on Snap. You hate to see it. Damn, and these 'snappers are barely 16 solar-revolutions old, according to the terra-meter.
Signore Bastardo
WAIT THEY'RE ACTUALLY CALLED SNAPPERS
gellaho
UNFORGIVABLE
FancyShark
GEEEEEEEENNNNNNNT!!!!!!
FancyShark
Image
gellaho
This sucks so hard
Signore Bastardo
I'm always right. This is why it's tragic they won't hire me to write the comics.
Okay, what happened?
gellaho
I'm so angry
FancyShark
You missed the crazy old man getting crucified by tweakers. He wasn't psychic, just senile. He's dead now. Connie is not dead but she's acting super creepy. And Beutel is laying siege to Wonder World, which has defenses that made it Arcade's Murderworld
gellaho
Chuck Simon is really working hard here
Signore Bastardo
Beutel vs. Westworld, let's go.
FancyShark
Peter David is spewing puns out with his kills
Signore Bastardo
Your villain may be a badass but can he mind-fight a cartoon milking cow killbot and retain his dignity?
gellaho
SHE'S MEXICAN DO YOU UNDERSTAND
gellaho
I loathe you, Peter David
FancyShark
No. Every child's nightmare is divorce.
gellaho
Reuel Beutel has the villain book memorized
FancyShark
Might he and Chuck not be so different, when Chuck thinks about it?
gellaho
Sure, throw that in, why not
FancyShark
Not robots. Just a subplot that never happened
gellaho
Log flume climax, sure
Signore Bastardo
Is this like The Force now? Can they see what the other is doing?
Signore Bastardo
I object. The Rescue Rangers were unimpeachable.
FancyShark
Peter David assures us Rommel is badass as he sidelines him yet again for the final showdown
gellaho
Yes
Signore Bastardo
Now they're just doing Parasyte the Maxim.
gellaho
The Hardy Boys Casefiles: Deadfall did this log flume thing better
Possibly because the author understands what a log flume is
Signore Bastardo
She'd have to be desperate to need Chuck Doofus
Nobody ever came back around begging for a second serving of dog fu.
gellaho
Oh, and he'd just learned to like his penis
FancyShark
I'm okay with the world beating the crap out of Chuck