gellaho
Soon
3: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #73: Bad Rap Franklin W. Dixon
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Cool is the rule when you're on a case...and danger's in your face!
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Science God Q Alchemy
I am hard for this
gellaho
Before we begin I would like to thank(?) @Alpha Scientist Javo for bringing Hardy Boys Case Files to my attention
I also may or may not have cobbled together a rap using the lyrics found in the book
Science God Q Alchemy
Oh yes
Bike Dancin' Greg
This is good
gellaho
Don't get too excited, neither I nor the author have any idea what we're doing
Science God Q Alchemy
If the author was good at writing raps I'd be disapointed
gellaho
Anyway, you can find it here http://www.gellaho.com/books/hardy_boys
Science God Q Alchemy
God those lyrics make my teeth hurt
gellaho
An important thing to keep in mind is that this is the 73rd book in a series
I'm guessing those 72 other books won't be important
Science God Q Alchemy
And they were all written in the course of like, an afternoon probably
We may get lost in some of that complicated hardy boys continuity.
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I mean they're farmed out of a ghost writer sweatshop
I wouldn't expect anything like continuity
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I've literally come up with better rap lyrics off the top of my head
gellaho
I put this in my "rap," but I can't believe the group is Randy Rand and the Power Brokers
Science God Q Alchemy
Imagine aspiring to be a writer, honing your craft and winding up as an uncredited Hardy Boys ghostwriter.
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I'd honestly be glad not to have my name in this
Science God Q Alchemy
That's probably why the mom was so depressed in today's book
She told the doctor and that's why he prescribed the sleeping pills
It all makes sense
gellaho
I'll give this book credit, it's fucking efficient. Based on that first page you already know Joe is a fuck-up and Frank is a wet-blanket
The Bloodsucker Proxy
also Joe has shitty taste in music
gellaho
Tight Fist records
The Bloodsucker Proxy
that name comes up in every diss track aimed at Randy Rand
gellaho
Tabitha is slightly older than the Hardys. I think the Hardys are still in school
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait
is
is Randy Rand and the Power Brokers
a riff on Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
"Up in the club, lookin but I can't find you, you busy gettin' randy with a tight fist behind you"
from Hopsin's track "Randy Rand Likes FIngers in His Ass"
@Ferroday, ScapeApe
a riff on Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
gellaho
It lines up time wise
Everyone is around the Hardy Boys' age
gellaho
I hate Joe
gellaho
Rap star extraordinaire
That sucks so much
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I wonder if there's any JoexRandy fanfic
gellaho
I would bet everything I own
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe and Frank are college age or high school?
gellaho
But, seriously. I hate Joe
gellaho
So far, it's just said they were out for summer
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Christ, Joe just get on your knees and blow him
If I had said "your music is really def!" to Johnny 3 Tears when I met him he would have kicked my ass and he would have been right to do so
gellaho
You know what, I hate Frank too. But not as much
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Oh, this is agonizingly 90s
gellaho
I'm noticing a couple of similarities between this and Steele. They both take place in New York and every black person is muscular
Randy is the worst though
gellaho
Was "jammies" ever used for anything besides kids talking about pajamas?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
"Randy's getting ripped" is another phrase that shows up in diss tracks with "Tight Fist"
gellaho
Apparently the FBI and the police are too busy for this counterfeit CD case
Here's the stakes. Think about the music industry!
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING A JOKE
TIGHT FIST IS REAL?!
Science God Q Alchemy
God this is so square
gellaho
I fucking hate Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
"remember kids if you pirate the nice record company will go broke"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
a book written by someone that doesn't know dick about the music industry
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I love how the book series that had one of the Hardy Boys' girlfriends die in a car bomb didn't have the balls to portray someone dying in a rap beef
Science God Q Alchemy
That record company is probably just, financially reaming randy rand, you know how some of those contracts work?
gellaho
This book is doing a great job of making me hate every character in the first chapter
The Bloodsucker Proxy
yea that's why so many artists start their own labels
Science God Q Alchemy
God, I bet Tabitha can handle things with a tight fist
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Tabitha's guilty, I'm calling it
gellaho
You have the wealthy heiress, the square, Joe, and Fred Durst
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I'm convinced this is the real world equivalent of Joe Hardy's favorite rap song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8pArM99aC8
YouTube
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Topic
Super Cool Mack Daddy
gellaho
God, I hate this kid
Science God Q Alchemy
More like SIMPathy am I right?
gellaho
So here's proof of the "rap" . Also, fuck Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe just cannot stop simping
Stagger
I’m pretty sure that’s a Roxette track tbh
gellaho
Frank has a business proposition for this twelve year old
Bike Dancin' Greg
I hate the term dupes so much
Science God Q Alchemy
"You hand over the tapes and I don't kick your ass, that kind of proposition"
I bet the tiny twelve year old could take frank actually
gellaho
We have our first "you have to tell me if you're a cop"
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank is totally going to flip those tapes for a profit
This is the one where frank goes all breaking bad
gellaho
Frank spent $100 for 10 tapes
I think he's not making any money on that one
Science God Q Alchemy
He'll sell them for $110
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait, do the hardy boys get paid for solving mysteries?
Stagger
I don’t know, those counterfeits are pretty good
gellaho
Lol, they already found the warehouse
Stagger
“Hello”?
Science God Q Alchemy
"any criminals in there?"
The Bloodsucker Proxy
seems the bootlegs are being made in China, as if that's not where the official CDs are made
gellaho
Here's my favorite part so far. Get fucked, Joe!
Bike Dancin' Greg
They just find the 12 year old, gutted for being a snitch. New Hardy Boys is REALLY dark
gellaho
These people are willing to kill for these CDs
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe died, instantly
gellaho
Although, I'd be willing to kill Joe for nothing
Boo
gellaho
What's the point in a one paragraph cliff-hanger?
Bike Dancin' Greg
This sentence has never been said before, but
The writing is much better in Steele
gellaho
Then they immediately catch the guy
Bike Dancin' Greg
Don't run or we will catch you!
Joe put a cigarette out on Andy's eye
gellaho
This is insane. They go right back to the business proposition ruse as though there was no attempted murder
Stagger
Crates first, questions later
gellaho
And this fucker asked whether or not the twelve year old checked them out first
Maybe don't have your first and only line of defense be a child
Bike Dancin' Greg
Second line of defense is crate
And destroying thousands of dollars in dupes
gellaho
Joe described the crate murder as "giving us a hard time"
These names are so weird
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe trying so hard to not say dupes
Can't become one of them
gellaho
Uh oh, we might have our Victor Borodini
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why does andy just volunteer this information?
Stagger
How come Andy is all AskJeeves all of a sudden?
Bike Dancin' Greg
This is a really ethnically diverse gang. Nice to see actually
gellaho
I can't believe this is real
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I mean he's right, the hardys are trespassing, and the cops don't have probable cause to search the warehouse
it would have been smarter to tell them to pound sand or he'll call the cops on them
but I guess this is a hardy boys book so all the villains are saturday morning cartoon level and live in mortal dread of the authorities
gellaho
Room 420, is this a joke? Am I being punked?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if this room gets set on fire I'm leaving
gellaho
Watch out, Randy Rand's rap rival Beastmaster J has shown up in room 420
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Beastmaster J sounds like a long lost tokusatsu show
gellaho
Seems Beastmaster J's big hit is "Beastmaster Jerk"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
and come on, Beastmaster but not Beatmaster? He's a rapper!
Stagger
Didn’t they say Tabitha “only” had Randy? Who are these Power Brokers selling out Madison square garden then!?
gellaho
Beastmaster J also coming in with the big "baby" insults
"Beastmaster Jerk"
what is even going on
Every time they refer to Randy they call him "rap start Randy Rand"
Science God Q Alchemy
To be fair beastmaster jerk is a pretty blistering diss track about how beastmaster likes to give handjobs to underage boys, aka "the beastmaster jerk"
gellaho
The Hardy Boys' father is friends with the Chief of Police in New York apparently. :NarcApe:
They got hooked up with this police officer who also really wants to suck Randy's dick
Imagine saying something like that to a teenager
Science God Q Alchemy
God, the dialogue is just, chefs kiss
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Are you scamming me?"
Torres became quiet and thoughtful "I will throw my career away for an autograph from the nickelodian kids award piece of shit"
gellaho
That man wearing the suit, that has to be the gang leader
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank had only ever met two kinds of men in suits, one was his father.
Science God Q Alchemy
How man n words are we guessing in this one?
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'm going zero.
Science God Q Alchemy
Probably no incest subplot
What if Joe was singing along and just said it, hard r, Like 6 times in a row
gellaho
Apparently twelve year olds are vital to the operation
gellaho
I also don't know why they think that last sentence is a surprise
They've already been to this warehouse
Dr Skin, the dandy
Martinelli seems heavily invested in this one bootleg album.
Science God Q Alchemy
There was no proofreader
Also what's with all the child labor?
gellaho
What? Huh?
Dr Skin, the dandy
God bless you the author
gellaho
Did the author forget this takes place in New York?
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet 12 year olds are making the CDs there too
gellaho
I think places outside of Hong Kong have the ability to create a CD
Dr Skin, the dandy
"I don't know anything, so neither must anyone who reads this"
gellaho
even in '94
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, just a few years after this came out my mom had a cd burner
Dr Skin, the dandy
Laser come from China. Fist bump.
Science God Q Alchemy
She made mix CDs a lot
Dr Skin, the dandy
The crates say Hong Kong. In thick black stencil probably.
Stagger
I think this is all about globalization, really
Ferroday, ScapeApe
the first CD burner was released in 1988
Science God Q Alchemy
God damn it, buy american bootlegs people
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think the CD's are in the sort of wooden crates you smash in a bad top down rpg
Stagger
Lasered in HK, covers printed by a 12 year old in NY
Science God Q Alchemy
That 12 year olds got hustle though
gellaho
This is some great police work
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy
This whole global mafia is really riding this one album.
gellaho
It's not private property unless you put a sign saying so
Dr Skin, the dandy
Torres has a piece of paper with "Worant" written on it in his pocket.
Science God Q Alchemy
Also pretty big self own saying he doesn't know people's rights as a cop
Stagger
He really has a deep belief in the written word
Much like this author
Science God Q Alchemy
This case is going to get thrown out so hard
Dr Skin, the dandy
Imagine if the author just had him go "oh fuck this and fuck these kids" and shoot martinelli right here.
Science God Q Alchemy
"he pulled a gun, you guys saw it"
Dr Skin, the dandy
"quick, fill your pockets with CD's"
Science God Q Alchemy
Cop goes and he has like, a comical amount of unmarked guns in his trunk, just plants one on the guy
gellaho
This book seems to be written from Joe's perspective now. I'm filled with so much rage
Dr Skin, the dandy
Who is writing this literal garbage
gellaho
Kind of seems like it should be Peter's Gourmet Burger Heaven
Science God Q Alchemy
Peter's gourmet burger haven? That's a fucking front
Also these kids saved your record company and you buy them what, $15, $20 worth of shitty fast food?
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Peter's gourmet burger haven"
From an artist just going "Uuughaah!" Every time they remember they took the publishers money for this piece of shit.
Science God Q Alchemy
Get them a fucking steak you assholes
gellaho
The Powers that B, kill me
HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT BEASTMASTER J IS GOING TO BE THERE JOE! He busted into a hotel room hours ago just to tell you that
you moron
God, I hate Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
So this author has not only never listened to rap, he's probably only vaguely heard of it
He's had rap music described to him by a nice white man in a sweatervest
Dr Skin, the dandy
Who's the good guy in this? Billy Nguyen is the only one coming out of it with any fucking brains. He's probably back at the warehouse right now
gellaho
"Fancy lawyer"
This takes place in New York, not southern backwoods
Science God Q Alchemy
His lawyer is also the hardy boys age
Stagger
“You know that warrant I forged...”
gellaho
He's got one of them fancy, New York City lawyers
in New York
Dr Skin, the dandy
" besides no judge would hold him on a counterfeiting offence"
"Why not"
"Because is nothing is at stake with this central crime of this books plot"
"oh right, let's just go home"
"fuck us"
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, I doubt a counterfeiter would be held without bail
But idk if he's a flight risk maybe
gellaho
This author knows like 100 words
Science God Q Alchemy
Anyway, the fact this case wasn't immediately thrown out is a goddamn miracle
Wow, I'm sure shouting that in front of witnesses won't bite him in the ass
gellaho
"How many times can I say ripping off without it getting old?"
Bike Dancin' Greg
People pretty regularly get out on bail for non violent crimes
Dr Skin, the dandy
Beastmaster j kills martinelli.
gellaho
Maybe I'll throw in the word "creep" a couple dozen times to break it up
Dr Skin, the dandy
Did someone describe beastmaster j as muscular with a deep voice?
Science God Q Alchemy
Tight fist, ripping? I'm wondering if there's something going on here with the author
gellaho
This author hasn't bothered specifying anything about ol' Beastmaster, except that he has a "broad chest"
Science God Q Alchemy
The only description of a black guy many authors have
gellaho
make your own assumptions about his ethnicity based on the breadth of his chest
Dr Skin, the dandy
42" and above
Science God Q Alchemy
"it's the 90s I can't just say black"
gellaho
I think Tabitha might be a robot
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'm rooting for martinelli
Science God Q Alchemy
Tabitha is the murderer calling it now
gellaho
What exactly had Torres done
gellaho
I love that people keep saying that, even though there hasn't yet been a murder
Science God Q Alchemy
"long day if flagrantly ignoring the law"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Has anyone checked Torres ID?
Stagger
Usually her grin was the first thing you would notice about Tabitha
Dr Skin, the dandy
This fucking mallcop just stumbled into an autograph from some Christian camp rapper. This whole thing can hardly sustain a novel.
gellaho
What is this conversation
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm :clap: calling :clap: it :clap: now :clap:
gellaho
Why did Frank start talking about people wearing black? Is he having a stroke?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Ninjas. Oh god that would improve things.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, aren't the hardy boys running a business technically
Dr Skin, the dandy
Joe should stick to ugly poor bitches
Science God Q Alchemy
I think poor ugly bitches are probably out of his league too
gellaho
Who would have guessed the teenager who was gifted a music label was a spoiled brat
This is rock solid writing
Dr Skin, the dandy
God if you were in this plot you would wander off.
gellaho
She has activated her mouth setting functionality again
Science God Q Alchemy
I think it's all a thin justification for the record girl to be joe's age
Even though he has no chance anyway
Dr Skin, the dandy
How old is Joe?
Science God Q Alchemy
Idk, the hardy boys are teenagers I think?
Doesn't matter, as established previously the hardy boys don't fuck
gellaho
They are out of school for summer
Science God Q Alchemy
And never will
Dr Skin, the dandy
If you were in the middle of some teenagers looking for the source of bootleg CD's wouldn't you just go
"This is fucking boring kid,"
I want to give the hardy boys drugs money.
gellaho
They went back to the warehouse again to discover a MURDER
Stagger
I’m calling it: Andy is the murderer
Dr Skin, the dandy
Someone should be watching this warehouse by now.
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm surprised the Hardy boys haven't been switchblade gutted yet, they're in New York and their whole thing is sticking their noses where they don't belong
Dr Skin, the dandy
Did Torres actually phone this in?
gellaho
Martinelli was killed execution-style
Dr Skin, the dandy
Run?
gellaho
And apparently Joe is some kind of gun expert
Fuck Joe
Dr Skin, the dandy
Get the fuck out of there.
Science God Q Alchemy
How many gunshot wounds have these young kids seen?
After the third body teenagers discover those parents are getting investigated
gellaho
I hate that this is from Joe's perspective now
Stagger
“Pass me that stick, I’ve seen this on TV”
Dr Skin, the dandy
I have less respect for the hardy boys now than after judging them by the book covers
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel like if I wandered into a corpse that had been shot I'd just vomit, uncontrollably
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'd run like fuck.
Science God Q Alchemy
But hey, who am I to question this author and his characterization
Dr Skin, the dandy
Start measuring the hole, you little fucking creep.
gellaho
They've called the police and are now calmly searching for clues
Dr Skin, the dandy
CLUE
Science God Q Alchemy
"whatever you don't touch anything, you may contaminate the scene, just sit tight and we'll send officers, are you boys listening to me?!"
Franks the killer, he planted it
gellaho
Torres has quickly decided that he's willing to let these kids get away with anything
Dr Skin, the dandy
Name drops the chief, in response to the only sane question so far.
gellaho
I'll die for the Hardy Boys!
Science God Q Alchemy
To be fair this whole thing looks suspicious
Dr Skin, the dandy
"What are you kids doing at this murder scene"
"LAY OFF THEM OR I'LL INVOLVE THE CHIEF OF POLICE"
gellaho
Look at this genius medical examiner
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet the hardy boys fingerprints are all over this scene
gellaho
"I think the bullet done killed him, but I can't be sure"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Nobody in this story took any kind of a course before they got their incredibly important job.
gellaho
This is the summary of the next couple of pages
Science God Q Alchemy
"I'm not a cop, but that won't stop me wildly speculating on the nature of this case"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Joe thought long and hard in an elevator ride to the fourth floor.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, your gonna have to get used to your favorite celebrities being terrible
Stagger
Discovering a dead body: not so much
Science God Q Alchemy
Like Randy's not guilty of the murder but just wait #metoo is a thing
gellaho
Randy Rand is heading back to room 420 with bloodshot eyes. If you know what I'm saying
I've also given up on keeping track of the names of these cops
Dr Skin, the dandy
Fucking hack surname generator
gellaho
Still can't believe the room number is 420
Dr Skin, the dandy
Officers Door and Wang are here.
Have them wait with Kapowski and Chair leg
gellaho
I'm gonna squeeze and go down on whoever I have to!
Dr Skin, the dandy
The suspect has insomnia? Like he's awake?
gellaho
seriously, it's been less than a day
Dr Skin, the dandy
You can answer questions if you're awake. Did the arsehole mean amnesia?
This is the worst book I've ever heard of. Well done @gellaho
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I still think Tabitha's behind it
gellaho
We're getting a real good impression of the single female character in this story
I guess Randy's just allowed to go back to the studio even though he's a murder suspect?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank knows what went down but doesn't give enough of a shit.
gellaho
They're going back to the fucking warehouse
Science God Q Alchemy
Given some of the turns if phrase I bet this author is just like, the biggest pervert
Dr Skin, the dandy
No, I think Chang the warehouse manager is aware of you by now. The fourth time you've been to his warehouse today.
gellaho
You don't think any of this is weird, Frank?
Dr Skin, the dandy
What happens after you turn twenty in this gang
Science God Q Alchemy
This powerful man likes to surround himself with you impressionable teen boys
Nothing weird about that
gellaho
It's been a minute, but Fuck you Joe
Dr Skin, the dandy
Sounds about right for a guys whose "mafia" burns cd's
Science God Q Alchemy
"no one fucks with the neverland gang"
Dr Skin, the dandy
How do we all think Frank looks at Joe.