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gellaho
Soon
Science God Q Alchemy
I am hard for this
gellaho
Before we begin I would like to thank(?) @Alpha Scientist Javo for bringing Hardy Boys Case Files to my attention
I also may or may not have cobbled together a rap using the lyrics found in the book
Science God Q Alchemy
Oh yes
Bike Dancin' Greg
This is good
gellaho
Don't get too excited, neither I nor the author have any idea what we're doing
Science God Q Alchemy
If the author was good at writing raps I'd be disapointed
gellaho
Anyway, you can find it here http://www.gellaho.com/books/hardy_boys
Science God Q Alchemy
God those lyrics make my teeth hurt
gellaho
An important thing to keep in mind is that this is the 73rd book in a series
I'm guessing those 72 other books won't be important
Science God Q Alchemy
And they were all written in the course of like, an afternoon probably
We may get lost in some of that complicated hardy boys continuity.
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I mean they're farmed out of a ghost writer sweatshop
I wouldn't expect anything like continuity
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I've literally come up with better rap lyrics off the top of my head
gellaho
I put this in my "rap," but I can't believe the group is Randy Rand and the Power Brokers
Science God Q Alchemy
Imagine aspiring to be a writer, honing your craft and winding up as an uncredited Hardy Boys ghostwriter.
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I'd honestly be glad not to have my name in this
Science God Q Alchemy
That's probably why the mom was so depressed in today's book
She told the doctor and that's why he prescribed the sleeping pills
It all makes sense
gellaho
I'll give this book credit, it's fucking efficient. Based on that first page you already know Joe is a fuck-up and Frank is a wet-blanket
The Bloodsucker Proxy
also Joe has shitty taste in music
gellaho
Tight Fist records
The Bloodsucker Proxy
that name comes up in every diss track aimed at Randy Rand
gellaho
Tabitha is slightly older than the Hardys. I think the Hardys are still in school
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait
is
is Randy Rand and the Power Brokers
a riff on Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
"Up in the club, lookin but I can't find you, you busy gettin' randy with a tight fist behind you"
from Hopsin's track "Randy Rand Likes FIngers in His Ass"
@Ferroday, ScapeApe
a riff on Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
gellaho
It lines up time wise
Everyone is around the Hardy Boys' age
gellaho
I hate Joe
gellaho
Rap star extraordinaire
That sucks so much
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I wonder if there's any JoexRandy fanfic
gellaho
I would bet everything I own
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe and Frank are college age or high school?
gellaho
But, seriously. I hate Joe
gellaho
So far, it's just said they were out for summer
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Christ, Joe just get on your knees and blow him
If I had said "your music is really def!" to Johnny 3 Tears when I met him he would have kicked my ass and he would have been right to do so
gellaho
You know what, I hate Frank too. But not as much
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Oh, this is agonizingly 90s
gellaho
I'm noticing a couple of similarities between this and Steele. They both take place in New York and every black person is muscular
Randy is the worst though
gellaho
Was "jammies" ever used for anything besides kids talking about pajamas?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
"Randy's getting ripped" is another phrase that shows up in diss tracks with "Tight Fist"
gellaho
Apparently the FBI and the police are too busy for this counterfeit CD case
Here's the stakes. Think about the music industry!
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MAKING A JOKE
TIGHT FIST IS REAL?!
Science God Q Alchemy
God this is so square
gellaho
I fucking hate Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
"remember kids if you pirate the nice record company will go broke"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
a book written by someone that doesn't know dick about the music industry
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I love how the book series that had one of the Hardy Boys' girlfriends die in a car bomb didn't have the balls to portray someone dying in a rap beef
Science God Q Alchemy
That record company is probably just, financially reaming randy rand, you know how some of those contracts work?
gellaho
This book is doing a great job of making me hate every character in the first chapter
The Bloodsucker Proxy
yea that's why so many artists start their own labels
Science God Q Alchemy
God, I bet Tabitha can handle things with a tight fist
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Tabitha's guilty, I'm calling it
gellaho
You have the wealthy heiress, the square, Joe, and Fred Durst
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I'm convinced this is the real world equivalent of Joe Hardy's favorite rap song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8pArM99aC8
YouTube
Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Topic
Super Cool Mack Daddy
gellaho
God, I hate this kid
Science God Q Alchemy
More like SIMPathy am I right?
gellaho
So here's proof of the "rap" . Also, fuck Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe just cannot stop simping
Stagger
I’m pretty sure that’s a Roxette track tbh
gellaho
Frank has a business proposition for this twelve year old
Bike Dancin' Greg
I hate the term dupes so much
Science God Q Alchemy
"You hand over the tapes and I don't kick your ass, that kind of proposition"
I bet the tiny twelve year old could take frank actually
gellaho
We have our first "you have to tell me if you're a cop"
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank is totally going to flip those tapes for a profit
This is the one where frank goes all breaking bad
gellaho
Frank spent $100 for 10 tapes
I think he's not making any money on that one
Science God Q Alchemy
He'll sell them for $110
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait, do the hardy boys get paid for solving mysteries?
Stagger
I don’t know, those counterfeits are pretty good
gellaho
Lol, they already found the warehouse
Stagger
“Hello”?
Science God Q Alchemy
"any criminals in there?"
The Bloodsucker Proxy
seems the bootlegs are being made in China, as if that's not where the official CDs are made
gellaho
Here's my favorite part so far. Get fucked, Joe!
Bike Dancin' Greg
They just find the 12 year old, gutted for being a snitch. New Hardy Boys is REALLY dark
gellaho
These people are willing to kill for these CDs
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe died, instantly
gellaho
Although, I'd be willing to kill Joe for nothing
Boo
gellaho
What's the point in a one paragraph cliff-hanger?
Bike Dancin' Greg
This sentence has never been said before, but
The writing is much better in Steele
gellaho
Then they immediately catch the guy
Bike Dancin' Greg
Don't run or we will catch you!
Joe put a cigarette out on Andy's eye
gellaho
This is insane. They go right back to the business proposition ruse as though there was no attempted murder
Stagger
Crates first, questions later
gellaho
And this fucker asked whether or not the twelve year old checked them out first
Maybe don't have your first and only line of defense be a child
Bike Dancin' Greg
Second line of defense is crate
And destroying thousands of dollars in dupes
gellaho
Joe described the crate murder as "giving us a hard time"
These names are so weird
Bike Dancin' Greg
Joe trying so hard to not say dupes
Can't become one of them
gellaho
Uh oh, we might have our Victor Borodini
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why does andy just volunteer this information?
Stagger
How come Andy is all AskJeeves all of a sudden?
Bike Dancin' Greg
This is a really ethnically diverse gang. Nice to see actually
gellaho
I can't believe this is real
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I mean he's right, the hardys are trespassing, and the cops don't have probable cause to search the warehouse
it would have been smarter to tell them to pound sand or he'll call the cops on them
but I guess this is a hardy boys book so all the villains are saturday morning cartoon level and live in mortal dread of the authorities
gellaho
Room 420, is this a joke? Am I being punked?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if this room gets set on fire I'm leaving
gellaho
Watch out, Randy Rand's rap rival Beastmaster J has shown up in room 420
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Beastmaster J sounds like a long lost tokusatsu show
gellaho
Seems Beastmaster J's big hit is "Beastmaster Jerk"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
and come on, Beastmaster but not Beatmaster? He's a rapper!
Stagger
Didn’t they say Tabitha “only” had Randy? Who are these Power Brokers selling out Madison square garden then!?
gellaho
Beastmaster J also coming in with the big "baby" insults
"Beastmaster Jerk"
what is even going on
Every time they refer to Randy they call him "rap start Randy Rand"
Science God Q Alchemy
To be fair beastmaster jerk is a pretty blistering diss track about how beastmaster likes to give handjobs to underage boys, aka "the beastmaster jerk"
gellaho
The Hardy Boys' father is friends with the Chief of Police in New York apparently. :NarcApe:
They got hooked up with this police officer who also really wants to suck Randy's dick
Imagine saying something like that to a teenager
Science God Q Alchemy
God, the dialogue is just, chefs kiss
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Are you scamming me?"
Torres became quiet and thoughtful "I will throw my career away for an autograph from the nickelodian kids award piece of shit"
gellaho
That man wearing the suit, that has to be the gang leader
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank had only ever met two kinds of men in suits, one was his father.
Science God Q Alchemy
How man n words are we guessing in this one?
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'm going zero.
Science God Q Alchemy
Probably no incest subplot
What if Joe was singing along and just said it, hard r, Like 6 times in a row
gellaho
Apparently twelve year olds are vital to the operation
gellaho
I also don't know why they think that last sentence is a surprise
They've already been to this warehouse
Dr Skin, the dandy
Martinelli seems heavily invested in this one bootleg album.
Science God Q Alchemy
There was no proofreader
Also what's with all the child labor?
gellaho
What? Huh?
Dr Skin, the dandy
God bless you the author
gellaho
Did the author forget this takes place in New York?
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet 12 year olds are making the CDs there too
gellaho
I think places outside of Hong Kong have the ability to create a CD
Dr Skin, the dandy
"I don't know anything, so neither must anyone who reads this"
gellaho
even in '94
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, just a few years after this came out my mom had a cd burner
Dr Skin, the dandy
Laser come from China. Fist bump.
Science God Q Alchemy
She made mix CDs a lot
Dr Skin, the dandy
The crates say Hong Kong. In thick black stencil probably.
Stagger
I think this is all about globalization, really
Ferroday, ScapeApe
the first CD burner was released in 1988
Science God Q Alchemy
God damn it, buy american bootlegs people
Dr Skin, the dandy
I think the CD's are in the sort of wooden crates you smash in a bad top down rpg
Stagger
Lasered in HK, covers printed by a 12 year old in NY
Science God Q Alchemy
That 12 year olds got hustle though
gellaho
This is some great police work
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy
This whole global mafia is really riding this one album.
gellaho
It's not private property unless you put a sign saying so
Dr Skin, the dandy
Torres has a piece of paper with "Worant" written on it in his pocket.
Science God Q Alchemy
Also pretty big self own saying he doesn't know people's rights as a cop
Stagger
He really has a deep belief in the written word
Much like this author
Science God Q Alchemy
This case is going to get thrown out so hard
Dr Skin, the dandy
Imagine if the author just had him go "oh fuck this and fuck these kids" and shoot martinelli right here.
Science God Q Alchemy
"he pulled a gun, you guys saw it"
Dr Skin, the dandy
"quick, fill your pockets with CD's"
Science God Q Alchemy
Cop goes and he has like, a comical amount of unmarked guns in his trunk, just plants one on the guy
gellaho
This book seems to be written from Joe's perspective now. I'm filled with so much rage
Dr Skin, the dandy
Who is writing this literal garbage
gellaho
Kind of seems like it should be Peter's Gourmet Burger Heaven
Science God Q Alchemy
Peter's gourmet burger haven? That's a fucking front
Also these kids saved your record company and you buy them what, $15, $20 worth of shitty fast food?
Dr Skin, the dandy
"Peter's gourmet burger haven"
From an artist just going "Uuughaah!" Every time they remember they took the publishers money for this piece of shit.
Science God Q Alchemy
Get them a fucking steak you assholes
gellaho
The Powers that B, kill me
HOW DO YOU FORGET THAT BEASTMASTER J IS GOING TO BE THERE JOE! He busted into a hotel room hours ago just to tell you that
you moron
God, I hate Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
So this author has not only never listened to rap, he's probably only vaguely heard of it
He's had rap music described to him by a nice white man in a sweatervest
Dr Skin, the dandy
Who's the good guy in this? Billy Nguyen is the only one coming out of it with any fucking brains. He's probably back at the warehouse right now
gellaho
"Fancy lawyer"
This takes place in New York, not southern backwoods
Science God Q Alchemy
His lawyer is also the hardy boys age
Stagger
“You know that warrant I forged...”
gellaho
He's got one of them fancy, New York City lawyers
in New York
Dr Skin, the dandy
" besides no judge would hold him on a counterfeiting offence"
"Why not"
"Because is nothing is at stake with this central crime of this books plot"
"oh right, let's just go home"
"fuck us"
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, I doubt a counterfeiter would be held without bail
But idk if he's a flight risk maybe
gellaho
This author knows like 100 words
Science God Q Alchemy
Anyway, the fact this case wasn't immediately thrown out is a goddamn miracle
Wow, I'm sure shouting that in front of witnesses won't bite him in the ass
gellaho
"How many times can I say ripping off without it getting old?"
Bike Dancin' Greg
People pretty regularly get out on bail for non violent crimes
Dr Skin, the dandy
Beastmaster j kills martinelli.
gellaho
Maybe I'll throw in the word "creep" a couple dozen times to break it up
Dr Skin, the dandy
Did someone describe beastmaster j as muscular with a deep voice?
Science God Q Alchemy
Tight fist, ripping? I'm wondering if there's something going on here with the author
gellaho
This author hasn't bothered specifying anything about ol' Beastmaster, except that he has a "broad chest"
Science God Q Alchemy
The only description of a black guy many authors have
gellaho
make your own assumptions about his ethnicity based on the breadth of his chest
Dr Skin, the dandy
42" and above
Science God Q Alchemy
"it's the 90s I can't just say black"
gellaho
I think Tabitha might be a robot
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'm rooting for martinelli
Science God Q Alchemy
Tabitha is the murderer calling it now
gellaho
What exactly had Torres done
gellaho
I love that people keep saying that, even though there hasn't yet been a murder
Science God Q Alchemy
"long day if flagrantly ignoring the law"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Has anyone checked Torres ID?
Stagger
Usually her grin was the first thing you would notice about Tabitha
Dr Skin, the dandy
This fucking mallcop just stumbled into an autograph from some Christian camp rapper. This whole thing can hardly sustain a novel.
gellaho
What is this conversation
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm :clap: calling :clap: it :clap: now :clap:
gellaho
Why did Frank start talking about people wearing black? Is he having a stroke?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Ninjas. Oh god that would improve things.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, aren't the hardy boys running a business technically
Dr Skin, the dandy
Joe should stick to ugly poor bitches
Science God Q Alchemy
I think poor ugly bitches are probably out of his league too
gellaho
Who would have guessed the teenager who was gifted a music label was a spoiled brat
This is rock solid writing
Dr Skin, the dandy
God if you were in this plot you would wander off.
gellaho
She has activated her mouth setting functionality again
Science God Q Alchemy
I think it's all a thin justification for the record girl to be joe's age
Even though he has no chance anyway
Dr Skin, the dandy
How old is Joe?
Science God Q Alchemy
Idk, the hardy boys are teenagers I think?
Doesn't matter, as established previously the hardy boys don't fuck
gellaho
They are out of school for summer
Science God Q Alchemy
And never will
Dr Skin, the dandy
If you were in the middle of some teenagers looking for the source of bootleg CD's wouldn't you just go
"This is fucking boring kid,"
I want to give the hardy boys drugs money.
gellaho
They went back to the warehouse again to discover a MURDER
Stagger
I’m calling it: Andy is the murderer
Dr Skin, the dandy
Someone should be watching this warehouse by now.
Science God Q Alchemy
I'm surprised the Hardy boys haven't been switchblade gutted yet, they're in New York and their whole thing is sticking their noses where they don't belong
Dr Skin, the dandy
Did Torres actually phone this in?
gellaho
Martinelli was killed execution-style
Dr Skin, the dandy
Run?
gellaho
And apparently Joe is some kind of gun expert
Fuck Joe
Dr Skin, the dandy
Get the fuck out of there.
Science God Q Alchemy
How many gunshot wounds have these young kids seen?
After the third body teenagers discover those parents are getting investigated
gellaho
I hate that this is from Joe's perspective now
Stagger
“Pass me that stick, I’ve seen this on TV”
Dr Skin, the dandy
I have less respect for the hardy boys now than after judging them by the book covers
Science God Q Alchemy
I feel like if I wandered into a corpse that had been shot I'd just vomit, uncontrollably
Dr Skin, the dandy
I'd run like fuck.
Science God Q Alchemy
But hey, who am I to question this author and his characterization
Dr Skin, the dandy
Start measuring the hole, you little fucking creep.
gellaho
They've called the police and are now calmly searching for clues
Dr Skin, the dandy
CLUE
Science God Q Alchemy
"whatever you don't touch anything, you may contaminate the scene, just sit tight and we'll send officers, are you boys listening to me?!"
Franks the killer, he planted it
gellaho
Torres has quickly decided that he's willing to let these kids get away with anything
Dr Skin, the dandy
Name drops the chief, in response to the only sane question so far.
gellaho
I'll die for the Hardy Boys!
Science God Q Alchemy
To be fair this whole thing looks suspicious
Dr Skin, the dandy
"What are you kids doing at this murder scene"
"LAY OFF THEM OR I'LL INVOLVE THE CHIEF OF POLICE"
gellaho
Look at this genius medical examiner
Science God Q Alchemy
I bet the hardy boys fingerprints are all over this scene
gellaho
"I think the bullet done killed him, but I can't be sure"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Nobody in this story took any kind of a course before they got their incredibly important job.
gellaho
This is the summary of the next couple of pages
Science God Q Alchemy
"I'm not a cop, but that won't stop me wildly speculating on the nature of this case"
Dr Skin, the dandy
Joe thought long and hard in an elevator ride to the fourth floor.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, your gonna have to get used to your favorite celebrities being terrible
Stagger
Discovering a dead body: not so much
Science God Q Alchemy
Like Randy's not guilty of the murder but just wait #metoo is a thing
gellaho
Randy Rand is heading back to room 420 with bloodshot eyes. If you know what I'm saying
I've also given up on keeping track of the names of these cops
Dr Skin, the dandy
Fucking hack surname generator
gellaho
Still can't believe the room number is 420
Dr Skin, the dandy
Officers Door and Wang are here.
Have them wait with Kapowski and Chair leg
gellaho
I'm gonna squeeze and go down on whoever I have to!
Dr Skin, the dandy
The suspect has insomnia? Like he's awake?
gellaho
seriously, it's been less than a day
Dr Skin, the dandy
You can answer questions if you're awake. Did the arsehole mean amnesia?
This is the worst book I've ever heard of. Well done @gellaho
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I still think Tabitha's behind it
gellaho
We're getting a real good impression of the single female character in this story
I guess Randy's just allowed to go back to the studio even though he's a murder suspect?
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank knows what went down but doesn't give enough of a shit.
gellaho
They're going back to the fucking warehouse
Science God Q Alchemy
Given some of the turns if phrase I bet this author is just like, the biggest pervert
Dr Skin, the dandy
No, I think Chang the warehouse manager is aware of you by now. The fourth time you've been to his warehouse today.
gellaho
You don't think any of this is weird, Frank?
Dr Skin, the dandy
What happens after you turn twenty in this gang
Science God Q Alchemy
This powerful man likes to surround himself with you impressionable teen boys
Nothing weird about that
gellaho
It's been a minute, but Fuck you Joe
Dr Skin, the dandy
Sounds about right for a guys whose "mafia" burns cd's
Science God Q Alchemy
"no one fucks with the neverland gang"
Dr Skin, the dandy
How do we all think Frank looks at Joe.
Science God Q Alchemy
Tired
He's just so tired
Dr Skin, the dandy
I picture him just scrunching up one side of his face. Resenting their parents for lumbering him with this tool.
gellaho
Time for some weird attempted murder on Frank
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy
C'mon Joe. Redeem yourself.
gellaho
People are really willing to murder for these CDs
Science God Q Alchemy
This was just a completely unrelated child murdering transient
Dr Skin, the dandy
I would be suspicious of someone in a "large floppy hat" anywhere, all the time.
gellaho
Oh, fuck you
Dr Skin, the dandy
Bullshit.
gellaho
What is this
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is why that crazy bitch in misery was so mad.
Science God Q Alchemy
I love when books just lie to you ending a chapter
gellaho
I don't understand the point of these cliffhangers
Science God Q Alchemy
Clearly this was a book meant to be written only once
Dr Skin, the dandy
And never read
Some sort of producers level tax scam.
Science God Q Alchemy
Shit I meant read, but fuck it there was no second draft
Dr Skin, the dandy
Pushed him into the path of the oncoming train. You all read it. Fuck this author.
gellaho
Oh, is that what you think Joe? The attempted murder might have given Frank some adrenaline?
This literally happened to you yesterday, Joe!
I hate this kid's guts
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank doing his job, Joe: Astounded.
Science God Q Alchemy
Dude just stream on conciousness writes 5 hardy boys books a day, only editing he does is taking out the references to moist penises that end up in there when the darkness overcomes hom
Bike Dancin' Greg
They always use careful neutral phrasing in the cliffhangers
gellaho
This is a quality sentence though
Bike Dancin' Greg
"The assailant fired 50 high caliber rounds towards Joe's heart"
Chapter 10
They missed though.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, it directly say he was pushed into the path of the train
gellaho
"It could have been anybody underneath that floppy hat" - put that on my tombstone
Bike Dancin' Greg
Pushed him toward directly into the path of the train!
Dr Skin, the dandy
How floppy is this hat though hmm? That's what I want to know.
Science God Q Alchemy
It could have been
:FuckApe:
Dr Skin, the dandy
The only interesting mystery in this story. What kind of floppy hat?
gellaho
These are the dumbest characters in history
Dr Skin, the dandy
The guy with a floppy hat and a shopping trolley followed you and got the drop on you.
You suck.
Science God Q Alchemy
These two dumb pricks surviving 70 of these cases is the least believable thing in the whole series
Ferroday, ScapeApe
that's not even counting the nancy drew crossovers
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is a random series of event they can only tangentially be described as investigating.
"Let's go back to the warehouse"
Science God Q Alchemy
They shouldn't be famous detectives they should be an unsolved disappearance
gellaho
This is a universe consisting entirely of teens
And twelve year olds
Science God Q Alchemy
That is there one idea and it always bears fruit
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it feels like that bit in like a telltale game where you accidentally did something out of order and they have to handwave it so you get back on the story railroad
Ferroday, ScapeApe
chinese teenagers with threatening auras.doc
Dr Skin, the dandy
Bugsy Malone world we're living in.
Where have they found Chang?
Science God Q Alchemy
The only adults where the murder victim and the cops
The victim because this author was too much of a coward to kill a kid
gellaho
What a waste of time that was
They just left as soon as they were introduced
Science God Q Alchemy
"forget it joe this is chinatown"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
really does feel like someone floundering in an adventure game until they trip the right event flag
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank shut joe up because he knew whatever he was about to say was only going to make the situation immeasurably worse
Science God Q Alchemy
Or an author desperately trying to pad out the word count on the world's thinnest plot
gellaho
How does everyone think this cliff hanger will be resolved?
My guess is that the knife turns out to be licorice
Science God Q Alchemy
My guess is "you read that wrong, there was no knife"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I don't know if I want this to be a false flag
because I fear we will be smothered by all the padding
gellaho
This is so pointless. You guys just met up with him, of course you have his attention
Science God Q Alchemy
I think when you realize that you don't have enough plot to sustain even an elementary school length book, it's time to ditch the project.
gellaho
they just keep walking back and forth from the studio, to the warehouse, to the hotel
Science God Q Alchemy
Somehow that's working
gellaho
Here's Joe, as well adjusted as always
Ferroday, ScapeApe
what did they only have the budget for 3 sets?
Science God Q Alchemy
These kids are gonna be found face down in the hudson
Over goddamn bootleg cds
That's what the hardy boys lives where worth
gellaho
This might be turning into erotic fan fiction
gellaho
It definitely is
Science God Q Alchemy
"The darkness, it's coming, must fight it back, no mother, I'm sorry mother"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
this is one of those disappointing fan fictions where the author has never seen a penis so they just cut to post-coitus
gellaho
Frank is going to fuck this white rapper
Science God Q Alchemy
The subliminal messaging was taking hold, soon frank would find himself naked on the Whitehouse lawn, a gun in his hand.
Ferroday, ScapeApe
how basic do you have to be to get your world rocked by What U Do
Science God Q Alchemy
The world would know then
gellaho
I would have sworn Joe would be the fuckee based on the beginning, but Frank is coming in
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah, but it's joe
No one wants that
gellaho
Oh, the case is starting to bug you now Joe? You fuck
Science God Q Alchemy
Maybe the dead body and multiple attempts on your lives?
Stagger
I’ve given up on the idea that anything is going to happen in this book
Ferroday, ScapeApe
please tell me randy rand is the killer
gellaho
Try writing something this boring
Science God Q Alchemy
There are no actual clues or suspects at this point.
Stagger
BJ studio?
gellaho
Jesus, these kids are dumb
"Beastmaster was wearing headphones and mixing music. Frank tried calling out to him, but J was unresponsive. Frank tasked his brain trying to figure out why"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
beastmaster's dead
Stagger
Chapter five: He wasn’t though
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it would honestly be more shocking if he wasn't
gellaho
Every character is emotionally unstable
Stagger
Called it
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh shit he is alive, score one for hardys avoiding the cliche
gellaho
"Beastmaster rose up in shock. He raised his voice in anger. Then he sat down and smiled"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why do you have a recording studio with the desk facing away from the door if you're that skittish?
gellaho
These names are just so bad
gellaho
Actually imagine what this would look like
An extremely muscular man sticking out his lower lip while rubbing his hands together
Ferroday, ScapeApe
no no, "rubbed his fist with his other hand" like he's polishing it?
gellaho
We're going full mission impossible
gellaho
The Bloodsucker Proxy
he's meeting Randy Rand later and he wants his tight fist to look its best
gellaho
Exploding cassettes
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Joe's fucking dead
Science God Q Alchemy
The death joe deserved
Stagger
Didn’t die though
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Joe's fucking dead
gellaho
Boo
The Bloodsucker Proxy
his shitty taste in music has ruptured his entire chest cavity
Science God Q Alchemy
They should have seen this one coming
Ferroday, ScapeApe
FUCK YOU "STUNNED"
HE WAS AT GROUND ZERO
IT LAUNCHED HIM ACROSS THE ROOM
HIS RIB CAGE SHOULD BE SO MUCH POWDER
Science God Q Alchemy
Shards of that cd player should be embedded in his chest and face
gellaho
Oh, the bed is on fire. Maybe there will be some danger there?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
his lungs should be rapidly filling with his idiotic blood
Ferroday, ScapeApe
is this room 420?
Science God Q Alchemy
Damn that single was fire
gellaho
Lol, jk
Science God Q Alchemy
Are the hardy boys fucking immortal?
gellaho
Unfortunately, that's Randy's room
Ferroday, ScapeApe
a launch across the room explosion isn't the sort of shit you can put out with towels and a pitcher of water after checking your brother for injuries
that's a "this hotel is burning to the ground" fire
gellaho
Frank Hardy: Explosives Expert
Science God Q Alchemy
Shrapnel is a liberal myth apparently
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"Still rocked your shit though, Joe. You pansy."
Bike Dancin' Greg
Exploding the cassette tape is the new nuking the fridge
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe should maybe be checked for a concussion
Ferroday, ScapeApe
concussion? that motherfucker needs to be dissected!
his skin could contain the new form of kevlar
gellaho
Oh, but they mustn't miss their lunch date. That would be rude!
Science God Q Alchemy
Fist? The darkness really is closing in on this author
Will he be able to fight back his urges long enough to finish this book?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
of course fisting is Frank's suggestion
Ferroday, ScapeApe
tabitha's the mastermind isn't she
gellaho
What a great female character
Ferroday, ScapeApe
she's the culprit
Science God Q Alchemy
I don't think the weird sexual subtext is going anywhere, know why?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I knew it!
the very second she was introduced I knew she was the culprit
Stagger
“Daddy’s” just a corpse in her office, right?
Science God Q Alchemy
Hardy boys don't fuck
gellaho
Strong writing for the fairer sex
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh fuck what if her dad's the culprit
The Bloodsucker Proxy
the Hardy Boys go to check on him and he's just a dried out corpse propped up in his chair, like in Psycho
Ferroday, ScapeApe
like dude realized they signed on their universe's Funky Bunch and wants out so he's torpedoing the label on purpose
gellaho
Hey, do you get it? She's a bitch. Are you getting it!?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
also who addresses their daughter as "my dear"?
that's what you call a woman you just met and want to condescend to
gellaho
The parts of this book that aren't embarrassingly '90s are weirdly '50s
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Donald Trump?
gellaho
Gasp!
Ferroday, ScapeApe
well I'll give the book this, it's been keeping me guessing
in the same way of trying to guess what that tupperware in the back of my fridge contains
Science God Q Alchemy
DUN DUN DUUUUUUN
gellaho
I guess that pointless stair description from earlier was supposed to be a challenge the Hardy Boys overcame
No joke, two paragraphs later they go back to their hotel
Science God Q Alchemy
How many pages are there?
gellaho
This books has just been these two idiots wandering from location to location avoiding murder attempts
This is a 149 pager
Science God Q Alchemy
Motherfucker can't fill a 149 page book? Dude shouldn't be a writer
gellaho
Fuck you, Torres. What leads?
Science God Q Alchemy
They have nothing, the attempts at murder are the closest thing to clues they have
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I feel like if someone wasn't constantly antagonizing them they'd have even less than the nothing they already have
Science God Q Alchemy
If the killer didn't try and kill the hardy boys they'd have nothing
I bet if it's tabitha she just hates them and wants them dead
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh my god she wants randy for herself and is keeping the hardys from jumping on that randy dick
gellaho
Room Service Snake!
Stagger
Didn’t bite them though
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, why any of this?
The killer clearly has a gun he shot martinelli
Just fucking shoot the hardy boys
gellaho
This sucks so hard
Why bother?
Stagger
This is why Blue Lou should stop hiring teens
Science God Q Alchemy
You know, these are the problems things like an editor, or a second draft are made to solve
gellaho
Haha, fuck you Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe, boy detective, rap music fan, burgeoning incel
gellaho
"I sure hope this snake doesn't get any ideas!" - Tabitha
Ferroday, ScapeApe
the fuck does she think it's gonna do?
gellaho
I think these Hardy Boys are sexually attracted to warehouses
Stagger
If it turns out that warehouse is empty I’m going to explode
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I almost want ninjas to show up
gellaho
Looks like they're going to have another pointless meeting with Chang
Joe literally grabbed him by the lapels
No cliché is safe
gellaho
Joe literally grabbed him by the lapels
No cliché is safe
Ferroday, ScapeApe
do they at any point pro-actively call the police?
gellaho
They only did that when there was a murder
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or is it only waaay after there's at least one corpse and 3 attempts to make a second?
like, you know this kid's a fucking gang leader
fucking call someone before showing up at his fucking HQ
gellaho
Fuck, no. No. Nope. Uh uh
gellaho
You got your wish
Stagger
ILLEGAL MARTIAL ARTS WEAPONS!!!
Science God Q Alchemy
Squarest book series ever
gellaho
I can't bring myself to turn the page
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait
nunchucks, plural
broad swords, plural
four dudes
at least one of them is holding shuriken
Science God Q Alchemy
Four dudes and they have 10 nunchucks, and 14 broadswords between them
gellaho
Hey, guess what? The ninjas are the only thing to not get immediately undercut
Ferroday, ScapeApe
NO
YOU CAN'T JUST RETCON OUT 2+ SWORDS YOU ASSHOLE
FUCK YOU
OWN THAT SHIT
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank "I'll do battle with these ninjas, you just try and be least a little helpful for once in your life"
gellaho
Of course, Joe fucking sucks
Ferroday, ScapeApe
worst ninjas ever, how do you side-step a fucking sword and not eat shit on the back swing
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank kicks ass damn
gellaho
Question: Are ninjas known for using broadswords?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wha- did they just abandon their weapons the moment they saw Joe?
like, would it have been too overkill even for them?
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, ninjas aren't chinese so there's also that
"god I feel bad killing this guy with weapons, he's such a bitch
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank knows karate
Stagger
TIGHT FIST!!!
gellaho
TIGHT FIST:it's a theme
Ferroday, ScapeApe
OH MY GOD
BLUE LOU CHANG
MORTAL KOMBAT RELEASED IN 1992
THIS BOOK WAS PUBLISHED IN 93
MOTHER FUCKER IT'S LIU KANG
gellaho
Deus ex Copina
Science God Q Alchemy
You know if they just had one gun, the hardy boys would be fucking dead
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why have "illegal martial arts weapons" instead of very legal GUN?!
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, they're all 12 it would be an illegal gun
Ferroday, ScapeApe
they're gangsters why would they give a fuck
gellaho
Chang: criminal genius
gellaho
So much murder for CDs
Oh, Joe. I will hate you forever
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Joe, over the course of a single day, has been blown up and gotten his ass beaten by ninjas
his reaction: "I wanna sing!"
this kid's got some kind of malfunction that makes him immune to pain or something
gellaho
So what do we think is about to happen to Joe?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or he's secretly kryptonian
randy's dead?
it's either dead bodies or more explosives, I'd guess
Bike Dancin' Greg
More painted snakes
Like 4 this time
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if it's the latter I don't know what the kid's worried about
he's obviously invincible
Stagger
Nothing happens though
gellaho
Joe Hardy: Poison Expert
Ferroday, ScapeApe
joe has no taste in music but excellent taste in carcinogens
gellaho
Either poison, or he got a Stone Cold Stunner
Ferroday, ScapeApe
we have 30 pages left and they still have no goddamn clue who the culprit is
Stagger
It could be anybody under that floppy hat
Science God Q Alchemy
Man with all the shit they survive they really are some hardy boys
gellaho
These guys are asking to be murdered
Ferroday, ScapeApe
he's either gonna fuck them or kill them and at this point it could go either way
sensitive New Age jakesy
Found my new name here
gellaho
"Guys, my alibi was so lame! I didn't want to seem like a loser!"
Science God Q Alchemy
"just follow me to where there's no one around young boys credibly accusing me of murder, I'll answer all your questions"
sensitive New Age jakesy
:SteeleYourself:
gellaho
This is the worst cliffhanger
Science God Q Alchemy
DUN dun DUUUUUUN
gellaho
This book is for very stupid children
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or old, old, old people trying to recapture the nostalgia of youth
Bike Dancin' Greg
Chapter next -
I said I'm going to FILL you with this strawberry pie I baked"
gellaho
She just leaves
The record company is having monetary issues. I don't know if that's been mentioned enough
Science God Q Alchemy
So they have the resources to set a Madison square garden concert but not pay randy
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"I'm out of money"
"I don't understand, can't you just go to the bank and get more?"
gellaho
Oh, no! Randy might be leaving his music label! Why would any child care?
Science God Q Alchemy
Isn't he supposed to be accused of murder? When's that happening?
Bike Dancin' Greg
Randy Rand is a genuinely nice dude
gellaho
Frank is an idiot
Frank takes everything extremely literally
Ferroday, ScapeApe
but like, why frank? this case is literally ruining her business
Stagger
This is a major breakthrough
Science God Q Alchemy
She did have motive to kill martinelli, he was selling bootlegs
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I thought the point to this case was to stop the bootleg sales
gellaho
Frank has apparently never heard anyone say "I'm going to kill you" in a non-literal sense
Ferroday, ScapeApe
frank this is your 73rd fucking mystery
I'm convinced these kids are robots that get wiped dollhouse style after every book
gellaho
These two have not learned their lesson about demo tapes and recorders
Ferroday, ScapeApe
only explanation for the shit they've survived and their surprising martial prowess
they're like, experiments for developing an AI or something
Science God Q Alchemy
They have survive so much shit they no longer fear death
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh my god it would explain why they're constantly going in circles, both literally and metaphorically
gellaho
Update: Frank still wants to fuck Randy
gellaho
Ferroday, ScapeApe
do they even have parents?
20 PAGES AND WE HAVE TO STOP TO LISTEN TO THIS NEW HIT SINGLE
gellaho
Their father is friends with the Chief of Police in New York. That is the only time either has been mentioned
Ferroday, ScapeApe
STILL DON'T KNOW THE CULPRIT
Science God Q Alchemy
So my question, is the title bad Rap a pun on a bad Rap or false accusations or just a literal description of what market mark and his funky bunches of oats do?
gellaho
Turns out I didn't miss any lyrics. There were 120 pages without any rap. It's a little disappointing
Ferroday, ScapeApe
these are the lyrics to a slice of life anime opening
not a new rap single
Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife
Or possibly a Bryan Adams/Sting/Rod Stewart collaboration from the 90s
gellaho
Guys, this Randy guy is really cool
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah that sound was the song
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if they recorded someone getting brutally murdered on the new hit single I'm gonna flip
gellaho
So, this is apparently a clue
Science God Q Alchemy
Oh good, another warehouse
gellaho
I don't know why hearing something Joe said in the past is a clue
Science God Q Alchemy
I don't either, but the two leads in the mystery and the writer don't have two brain cells to rub together between them
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I want to do one of these hardy boys books next
gellaho
Randy might be trying to finagle the incestuous threesome
Ferroday, ScapeApe
not like, next next, but like next time we do a hardy boys book
gellaho
I guess this is proof?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I say this because I have found a list
a list by hardy boys fans
of the top 10 worst hardy boys books
and I want to do
the worst one
Science God Q Alchemy
Is bad Rap on the list?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it's not
Science God Q Alchemy
Damn
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it's not even in top 50 worst
Science God Q Alchemy
They must be pretty bad then
Ferroday, ScapeApe
BAD RAP IS ONE OF THE GOOD HARDY BOYS BOOKS?!
gellaho
It is not
Science God Q Alchemy
Ha ha, holy shit
People like this?
gellaho
They're still trying this business scheme
sensitive New Age jakesy
Who gets to take the tight fist, frank or joe?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I'll wait til we're done to go on about future hardy boys books
gellaho
I think Randy might be giving it to both of them
Science God Q Alchemy
He's got two hands
gellaho
Here is actual information
Only took until page 136
Science God Q Alchemy
Hey, a clue
Ferroday, ScapeApe
an honest to god clue after 136 fucking pages
gellaho
For some reason, this book is also obsessed with writing a sentence about every meal they've eaten
As though that's important
sensitive New Age jakesy
Need to know what the tight fist is going to find in there
gellaho
They were so sleepy
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, this author probably grew up in the great depression
gellaho
They needed a nap
Riveting stuff
Science God Q Alchemy
Just really trying to hit that word count
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I've made a horrible discovery that I'll elaborate on after we wrap this up oh god
gellaho
They just introduced the murderer
Ferroday, ScapeApe
FUCK OFF
SERIOUSLY?!
gellaho
Gotta get that in at the end
Science God Q Alchemy
Wow, the killer was completely unrelated to anything else
Great writing
gellaho
How are they going to get outta this jam?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
you can't just introduce one of the primary suspects a dozen pages before the end of the goddamn book you hack
Science God Q Alchemy
Somehow this book is worse than steele
Bike Dancin' Greg
Yeah
gellaho
I don't know, I'm enjoying the lack of rape
Bike Dancin' Greg
Yeah
gellaho
You guys didn't have to read that, but no me gusta
These dipshits are just going to admit to everything
Apparently Sound Engineers are willing to kill at the drop of a hat
Bike Dancin' Greg
Did I miss who did the goofy snake prank? It was right between a bunch of honest murder attempts and didn't make any sense that I could tell
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I mean, have you ever had to do audio mixing?
gellaho
I did for the rap I recorded
This is some of the weakest motivation to murder I've seen
Ferroday, ScapeApe
8 pages left and the characters that have just been introduced are just gonna confess before failing to kill the hardy boys like it's a fucking scooby doo episode
gellaho
"I need to impress my daddy, therefore: murder"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"I want my record label to be successful, so now I must kill my one moneymaking artist"
gellaho
If this is chump change compared to your inheritance, why bother?
Science God Q Alchemy
Why not just have her father killed?
gellaho
Let's just get rid of all that pesky tension
Science God Q Alchemy
He remember what I fucking said hours ago?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
what the fuck is Beastmaster J even doing at the studio? doesn't he have his own place?
Science God Q Alchemy
you people keep questioning me, but I'm always right.
Ferroday, ScapeApe
isn't he on a competing label?
gellaho
How can you write something like this and think, "yeah, that's fine"
I'll just wrap up all the shit I forgot to do in four paragraphs
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"definitely time for some R and R" is that a legit clever metaphor for how they're gonna get in a threesome with Randy Rand?
gellaho
There's the cover
gellaho
And the rap beef is over, hooray
gellaho
The End
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why didn't we get Randy instead of Mark Wahlberg
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I hope somebody picks up that phone because I fucking called it
Science God Q Alchemy
Did Randy Rand start his career committing a hate crime then getting shredded in prison?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
no he apparently started his career with uplifting if somewhat empty-sounding hip-hop
I have learned
far too much about the hardy boys tonight
gellaho
It's then followed by multiple pages of advertising. The Nancy Drew team up is my favorite
Mostly because it mentions the Hardy Boys "hi-tech action"
Must have missed that
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I learned that this book is the 73rd of the Hardy Boys Case Files which is actually its own series separate from the original Digests
it's literally the gritty 80's reboot of the original 40's novels
gellaho
Yep
Ferroday, ScapeApe
which also got a modern 00's reboot where they're part of a secret organization called, I shit you not, ATAC
standing for American Teens Against Crime
Science God Q Alchemy
Nancy Drew would have solved this case in half the time
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I was wanting to do the worst hardy boys book according to this fan survey http://www.hardyboysonline.net/content.php?page=survey-results
but that apparently only covers the original series
also love that the worst rated hardy boys book is still also the #3 favorite
now I don't know what to do
I don't know if that will be as entertaining as these "hip" 90's case files books
Science God Q Alchemy
Ok, so I cannot track down a copy of what's fair and other stories, it's like shapiro is trying to bury it. I will find a book to share at some point.
gellaho
If you missed the rap, check it here: http://www.gellaho.com/books/hardy_boys
gellaho
We went crazy over the covers to Casefiles(tm) here: https://discord.com/channels/679999969536638977/720408431651192832/791846576665919530
And you fuckers know what's next
Bike Dancin' Greg
Yes!
Science God Q Alchemy
I am absolutely gagging
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it's surprisingly difficult to find consensus on bad hardy boys books
you'd think with 500 books in print someone that isn't an avid fan would have had something to say
gellaho
I think the target demographic doesn't have the means to do any writing
And I don't think there are a lot of adults reading ~100 Hardy Case files books
Bike Dancin' Greg
Thanks for another fun night @gellaho
this is in your honor
Attachment file type: unknown
Dogg_Zzone_Brother_Against_Brother.tiff
471.11 KB
Brockway
Haha wonderful
Bike Dancin' Greg
wish that would have came up as a picture
gellaho
This is excellent
It's hard to believe there were ninjas with broadswords in the Hardy Boys rap mystery
Bike Dancin' Greg
It was the high point of the book for sure
Let's see... it is the 90s and we are making a cool 90s version of gritty reboot of the Hardy Boys.
Corny white rapper? Check. Ninjas? Big fucking check.
