Science God Q Alchemy
Tired
He's just so tired
3: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #73: Bad Rap Franklin W. Dixon
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Cool is the rule when you're on a case...and danger's in your face!
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Dr Skin, the dandy
I picture him just scrunching up one side of his face. Resenting their parents for lumbering him with this tool.
gellaho
Time for some weird attempted murder on Frank
gellaho
Dr Skin, the dandy
C'mon Joe. Redeem yourself.
gellaho
People are really willing to murder for these CDs
Science God Q Alchemy
This was just a completely unrelated child murdering transient
Dr Skin, the dandy
I would be suspicious of someone in a "large floppy hat" anywhere, all the time.
gellaho
Oh, fuck you
Dr Skin, the dandy
Bullshit.
gellaho
What is this
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is why that crazy bitch in misery was so mad.
Science God Q Alchemy
I love when books just lie to you ending a chapter
gellaho
I don't understand the point of these cliffhangers
Science God Q Alchemy
Clearly this was a book meant to be written only once
Dr Skin, the dandy
And never read
Some sort of producers level tax scam.
Science God Q Alchemy
Shit I meant read, but fuck it there was no second draft
Dr Skin, the dandy
Pushed him into the path of the oncoming train. You all read it. Fuck this author.
gellaho
Oh, is that what you think Joe? The attempted murder might have given Frank some adrenaline?
This literally happened to you yesterday, Joe!
I hate this kid's guts
Dr Skin, the dandy
Frank doing his job, Joe: Astounded.
Science God Q Alchemy
Dude just stream on conciousness writes 5 hardy boys books a day, only editing he does is taking out the references to moist penises that end up in there when the darkness overcomes hom
Bike Dancin' Greg
They always use careful neutral phrasing in the cliffhangers
gellaho
This is a quality sentence though
Bike Dancin' Greg
"The assailant fired 50 high caliber rounds towards Joe's heart"
Chapter 10
They missed though.
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, it directly say he was pushed into the path of the train
gellaho
"It could have been anybody underneath that floppy hat" - put that on my tombstone
Bike Dancin' Greg
Pushed him toward directly into the path of the train!
Dr Skin, the dandy
How floppy is this hat though hmm? That's what I want to know.
Science God Q Alchemy
It could have been
:FuckApe:
Dr Skin, the dandy
The only interesting mystery in this story. What kind of floppy hat?
gellaho
These are the dumbest characters in history
Dr Skin, the dandy
The guy with a floppy hat and a shopping trolley followed you and got the drop on you.
You suck.
Science God Q Alchemy
These two dumb pricks surviving 70 of these cases is the least believable thing in the whole series
Ferroday, ScapeApe
that's not even counting the nancy drew crossovers
Dr Skin, the dandy
This is a random series of event they can only tangentially be described as investigating.
"Let's go back to the warehouse"
Science God Q Alchemy
They shouldn't be famous detectives they should be an unsolved disappearance
gellaho
This is a universe consisting entirely of teens
And twelve year olds
Science God Q Alchemy
That is there one idea and it always bears fruit
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it feels like that bit in like a telltale game where you accidentally did something out of order and they have to handwave it so you get back on the story railroad
Ferroday, ScapeApe
chinese teenagers with threatening auras.doc
Dr Skin, the dandy
Bugsy Malone world we're living in.
Where have they found Chang?
Science God Q Alchemy
The only adults where the murder victim and the cops
The victim because this author was too much of a coward to kill a kid
gellaho
What a waste of time that was
They just left as soon as they were introduced
Science God Q Alchemy
"forget it joe this is chinatown"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
really does feel like someone floundering in an adventure game until they trip the right event flag
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank shut joe up because he knew whatever he was about to say was only going to make the situation immeasurably worse
Science God Q Alchemy
Or an author desperately trying to pad out the word count on the world's thinnest plot
gellaho
How does everyone think this cliff hanger will be resolved?
My guess is that the knife turns out to be licorice
Science God Q Alchemy
My guess is "you read that wrong, there was no knife"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I don't know if I want this to be a false flag
because I fear we will be smothered by all the padding
gellaho
This is so pointless. You guys just met up with him, of course you have his attention
Science God Q Alchemy
I think when you realize that you don't have enough plot to sustain even an elementary school length book, it's time to ditch the project.
gellaho
they just keep walking back and forth from the studio, to the warehouse, to the hotel
Science God Q Alchemy
Somehow that's working
gellaho
Here's Joe, as well adjusted as always
Ferroday, ScapeApe
what did they only have the budget for 3 sets?
Science God Q Alchemy
These kids are gonna be found face down in the hudson
Over goddamn bootleg cds
That's what the hardy boys lives where worth
gellaho
This might be turning into erotic fan fiction
gellaho
It definitely is
Science God Q Alchemy
"The darkness, it's coming, must fight it back, no mother, I'm sorry mother"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
this is one of those disappointing fan fictions where the author has never seen a penis so they just cut to post-coitus
gellaho
Frank is going to fuck this white rapper
Science God Q Alchemy
The subliminal messaging was taking hold, soon frank would find himself naked on the Whitehouse lawn, a gun in his hand.
Ferroday, ScapeApe
how basic do you have to be to get your world rocked by What U Do
Science God Q Alchemy
The world would know then
gellaho
I would have sworn Joe would be the fuckee based on the beginning, but Frank is coming in
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah, but it's joe
No one wants that
gellaho
Oh, the case is starting to bug you now Joe? You fuck
Science God Q Alchemy
Maybe the dead body and multiple attempts on your lives?
Stagger
I’ve given up on the idea that anything is going to happen in this book
Ferroday, ScapeApe
please tell me randy rand is the killer
gellaho
Try writing something this boring
Science God Q Alchemy
There are no actual clues or suspects at this point.
Stagger
BJ studio?
gellaho
Jesus, these kids are dumb
"Beastmaster was wearing headphones and mixing music. Frank tried calling out to him, but J was unresponsive. Frank tasked his brain trying to figure out why"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
beastmaster's dead
Stagger
Chapter five: He wasn’t though
Ferroday, ScapeApe
it would honestly be more shocking if he wasn't
gellaho
Every character is emotionally unstable
Stagger
Called it
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh shit he is alive, score one for hardys avoiding the cliche
gellaho
"Beastmaster rose up in shock. He raised his voice in anger. Then he sat down and smiled"
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why do you have a recording studio with the desk facing away from the door if you're that skittish?
gellaho
These names are just so bad
gellaho
Actually imagine what this would look like
An extremely muscular man sticking out his lower lip while rubbing his hands together
Ferroday, ScapeApe
no no, "rubbed his fist with his other hand" like he's polishing it?
gellaho
We're going full mission impossible
gellaho
The Bloodsucker Proxy
he's meeting Randy Rand later and he wants his tight fist to look its best
gellaho
Exploding cassettes
The Bloodsucker Proxy
Joe's fucking dead
Science God Q Alchemy
The death joe deserved
Stagger
Didn’t die though
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Joe's fucking dead
gellaho
Boo
The Bloodsucker Proxy
his shitty taste in music has ruptured his entire chest cavity
Science God Q Alchemy
They should have seen this one coming
Ferroday, ScapeApe
FUCK YOU "STUNNED"
HE WAS AT GROUND ZERO
IT LAUNCHED HIM ACROSS THE ROOM
HIS RIB CAGE SHOULD BE SO MUCH POWDER
Science God Q Alchemy
Shards of that cd player should be embedded in his chest and face
gellaho
Oh, the bed is on fire. Maybe there will be some danger there?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
his lungs should be rapidly filling with his idiotic blood
Ferroday, ScapeApe
is this room 420?
Science God Q Alchemy
Damn that single was fire
gellaho
Lol, jk
Science God Q Alchemy
Are the hardy boys fucking immortal?
gellaho
Unfortunately, that's Randy's room
Ferroday, ScapeApe
a launch across the room explosion isn't the sort of shit you can put out with towels and a pitcher of water after checking your brother for injuries
that's a "this hotel is burning to the ground" fire
gellaho
Frank Hardy: Explosives Expert
Science God Q Alchemy
Shrapnel is a liberal myth apparently
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"Still rocked your shit though, Joe. You pansy."
Bike Dancin' Greg
Exploding the cassette tape is the new nuking the fridge
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe should maybe be checked for a concussion
Ferroday, ScapeApe
concussion? that motherfucker needs to be dissected!
his skin could contain the new form of kevlar
gellaho
Oh, but they mustn't miss their lunch date. That would be rude!
Science God Q Alchemy
Fist? The darkness really is closing in on this author
Will he be able to fight back his urges long enough to finish this book?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
of course fisting is Frank's suggestion
Ferroday, ScapeApe
tabitha's the mastermind isn't she
gellaho
What a great female character
Ferroday, ScapeApe
she's the culprit
Science God Q Alchemy
I don't think the weird sexual subtext is going anywhere, know why?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
I knew it!
the very second she was introduced I knew she was the culprit
Stagger
“Daddy’s” just a corpse in her office, right?
Science God Q Alchemy
Hardy boys don't fuck
gellaho
Strong writing for the fairer sex
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh fuck what if her dad's the culprit
The Bloodsucker Proxy
the Hardy Boys go to check on him and he's just a dried out corpse propped up in his chair, like in Psycho
Ferroday, ScapeApe
like dude realized they signed on their universe's Funky Bunch and wants out so he's torpedoing the label on purpose
gellaho
Hey, do you get it? She's a bitch. Are you getting it!?
The Bloodsucker Proxy
also who addresses their daughter as "my dear"?
that's what you call a woman you just met and want to condescend to
gellaho
The parts of this book that aren't embarrassingly '90s are weirdly '50s
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Donald Trump?
gellaho
Gasp!
Ferroday, ScapeApe
well I'll give the book this, it's been keeping me guessing
in the same way of trying to guess what that tupperware in the back of my fridge contains
Science God Q Alchemy
DUN DUN DUUUUUUN
gellaho
I guess that pointless stair description from earlier was supposed to be a challenge the Hardy Boys overcame
No joke, two paragraphs later they go back to their hotel
Science God Q Alchemy
How many pages are there?
gellaho
This books has just been these two idiots wandering from location to location avoiding murder attempts
This is a 149 pager
Science God Q Alchemy
Motherfucker can't fill a 149 page book? Dude shouldn't be a writer
gellaho
Fuck you, Torres. What leads?
Science God Q Alchemy
They have nothing, the attempts at murder are the closest thing to clues they have
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I feel like if someone wasn't constantly antagonizing them they'd have even less than the nothing they already have
Science God Q Alchemy
If the killer didn't try and kill the hardy boys they'd have nothing
I bet if it's tabitha she just hates them and wants them dead
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh my god she wants randy for herself and is keeping the hardys from jumping on that randy dick
gellaho
Room Service Snake!
Stagger
Didn’t bite them though
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, why any of this?
The killer clearly has a gun he shot martinelli
Just fucking shoot the hardy boys
gellaho
This sucks so hard
Why bother?
Stagger
This is why Blue Lou should stop hiring teens
Science God Q Alchemy
You know, these are the problems things like an editor, or a second draft are made to solve
gellaho
Haha, fuck you Joe
Science God Q Alchemy
Joe, boy detective, rap music fan, burgeoning incel
gellaho
"I sure hope this snake doesn't get any ideas!" - Tabitha
Ferroday, ScapeApe
the fuck does she think it's gonna do?
gellaho
I think these Hardy Boys are sexually attracted to warehouses
Stagger
If it turns out that warehouse is empty I’m going to explode
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I almost want ninjas to show up
gellaho
Looks like they're going to have another pointless meeting with Chang
Joe literally grabbed him by the lapels
No cliché is safe
gellaho
Joe literally grabbed him by the lapels
No cliché is safe
Ferroday, ScapeApe
do they at any point pro-actively call the police?
gellaho
They only did that when there was a murder
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or is it only waaay after there's at least one corpse and 3 attempts to make a second?
like, you know this kid's a fucking gang leader
fucking call someone before showing up at his fucking HQ
gellaho
Fuck, no. No. Nope. Uh uh
gellaho
You got your wish
Stagger
ILLEGAL MARTIAL ARTS WEAPONS!!!
Science God Q Alchemy
Squarest book series ever
gellaho
I can't bring myself to turn the page
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wait
nunchucks, plural
broad swords, plural
four dudes
at least one of them is holding shuriken
Science God Q Alchemy
Four dudes and they have 10 nunchucks, and 14 broadswords between them
gellaho
Hey, guess what? The ninjas are the only thing to not get immediately undercut
Ferroday, ScapeApe
NO
YOU CAN'T JUST RETCON OUT 2+ SWORDS YOU ASSHOLE
FUCK YOU
OWN THAT SHIT
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank "I'll do battle with these ninjas, you just try and be least a little helpful for once in your life"
gellaho
Of course, Joe fucking sucks
Ferroday, ScapeApe
worst ninjas ever, how do you side-step a fucking sword and not eat shit on the back swing
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank kicks ass damn
gellaho
Question: Are ninjas known for using broadswords?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
wha- did they just abandon their weapons the moment they saw Joe?
like, would it have been too overkill even for them?
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, ninjas aren't chinese so there's also that
"god I feel bad killing this guy with weapons, he's such a bitch
gellaho
Science God Q Alchemy
Frank knows karate
Stagger
TIGHT FIST!!!
gellaho
TIGHT FIST:it's a theme
Ferroday, ScapeApe
OH MY GOD
BLUE LOU CHANG
MORTAL KOMBAT RELEASED IN 1992
THIS BOOK WAS PUBLISHED IN 93
MOTHER FUCKER IT'S LIU KANG
gellaho
Deus ex Copina
Science God Q Alchemy
You know if they just had one gun, the hardy boys would be fucking dead
Ferroday, ScapeApe
why have "illegal martial arts weapons" instead of very legal GUN?!
Science God Q Alchemy
I mean, they're all 12 it would be an illegal gun
Ferroday, ScapeApe
they're gangsters why would they give a fuck
gellaho
Chang: criminal genius
gellaho
So much murder for CDs
Oh, Joe. I will hate you forever
Ferroday, ScapeApe
Joe, over the course of a single day, has been blown up and gotten his ass beaten by ninjas
his reaction: "I wanna sing!"
this kid's got some kind of malfunction that makes him immune to pain or something
gellaho
So what do we think is about to happen to Joe?
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or he's secretly kryptonian
randy's dead?
it's either dead bodies or more explosives, I'd guess
Bike Dancin' Greg
More painted snakes
Like 4 this time
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if it's the latter I don't know what the kid's worried about
he's obviously invincible
Stagger
Nothing happens though
gellaho
Joe Hardy: Poison Expert
Ferroday, ScapeApe
joe has no taste in music but excellent taste in carcinogens
gellaho
Either poison, or he got a Stone Cold Stunner
Ferroday, ScapeApe
we have 30 pages left and they still have no goddamn clue who the culprit is
Stagger
It could be anybody under that floppy hat
Science God Q Alchemy
Man with all the shit they survive they really are some hardy boys
gellaho
These guys are asking to be murdered
Ferroday, ScapeApe
he's either gonna fuck them or kill them and at this point it could go either way
sensitive New Age jakesy
Found my new name here
gellaho
"Guys, my alibi was so lame! I didn't want to seem like a loser!"
Science God Q Alchemy
"just follow me to where there's no one around young boys credibly accusing me of murder, I'll answer all your questions"
sensitive New Age jakesy
:SteeleYourself:
gellaho
This is the worst cliffhanger
Science God Q Alchemy
DUN dun DUUUUUUN
gellaho
This book is for very stupid children
Ferroday, ScapeApe
or old, old, old people trying to recapture the nostalgia of youth
Bike Dancin' Greg
Chapter next -
I said I'm going to FILL you with this strawberry pie I baked"
gellaho
She just leaves
The record company is having monetary issues. I don't know if that's been mentioned enough
Science God Q Alchemy
So they have the resources to set a Madison square garden concert but not pay randy
Ferroday, ScapeApe
"I'm out of money"
"I don't understand, can't you just go to the bank and get more?"
gellaho
Oh, no! Randy might be leaving his music label! Why would any child care?
Science God Q Alchemy
Isn't he supposed to be accused of murder? When's that happening?
Bike Dancin' Greg
Randy Rand is a genuinely nice dude
gellaho
Frank is an idiot
Frank takes everything extremely literally
Ferroday, ScapeApe
but like, why frank? this case is literally ruining her business
Stagger
This is a major breakthrough
Science God Q Alchemy
She did have motive to kill martinelli, he was selling bootlegs
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I thought the point to this case was to stop the bootleg sales
gellaho
Frank has apparently never heard anyone say "I'm going to kill you" in a non-literal sense
Ferroday, ScapeApe
frank this is your 73rd fucking mystery
I'm convinced these kids are robots that get wiped dollhouse style after every book
gellaho
These two have not learned their lesson about demo tapes and recorders
Ferroday, ScapeApe
only explanation for the shit they've survived and their surprising martial prowess
they're like, experiments for developing an AI or something
Science God Q Alchemy
They have survive so much shit they no longer fear death
Ferroday, ScapeApe
oh my god it would explain why they're constantly going in circles, both literally and metaphorically
gellaho
Update: Frank still wants to fuck Randy
gellaho
Ferroday, ScapeApe
do they even have parents?
20 PAGES AND WE HAVE TO STOP TO LISTEN TO THIS NEW HIT SINGLE
gellaho
Their father is friends with the Chief of Police in New York. That is the only time either has been mentioned
Ferroday, ScapeApe
STILL DON'T KNOW THE CULPRIT
Science God Q Alchemy
So my question, is the title bad Rap a pun on a bad Rap or false accusations or just a literal description of what market mark and his funky bunches of oats do?
gellaho
Turns out I didn't miss any lyrics. There were 120 pages without any rap. It's a little disappointing
Ferroday, ScapeApe
these are the lyrics to a slice of life anime opening
not a new rap single
Ye Olde Albany Blood Knife
Or possibly a Bryan Adams/Sting/Rod Stewart collaboration from the 90s
gellaho
Guys, this Randy guy is really cool
Science God Q Alchemy
Yeah that sound was the song
Ferroday, ScapeApe
if they recorded someone getting brutally murdered on the new hit single I'm gonna flip
gellaho
So, this is apparently a clue
Science God Q Alchemy
Oh good, another warehouse
gellaho
I don't know why hearing something Joe said in the past is a clue
Science God Q Alchemy
I don't either, but the two leads in the mystery and the writer don't have two brain cells to rub together between them
Ferroday, ScapeApe
I want to do one of these hardy boys books next
gellaho
Randy might be trying to finagle the incestuous threesome
Ferroday, ScapeApe
not like, next next, but like next time we do a hardy boys book
gellaho
I guess this is proof?
