#5 Psi-Man
Cast your mind back, if you can, all the way to Sunday, December 26th 2021. The day after Christmas, Archbishop Desmond Tutu died, the James Webb Space Telescope launched, and Chuck Simon arrives in New York City after defeating(?) a god-like psychic child in San Fransisco. Join me in this journey to the past as we fight against the shapeshifter Stalker in Psi-Man: Stalker this Friday 5pm eastern.
Stupid holidays, making me miss when psionic met bionic
It's Psychic Mormon versus Evil Steele
Psi-Man is also the big akido dork right
Yep!
Psychic Quaker, please
I wasn't sure because that attack seemed to be working
AIKIDO SLAM
He's a wussy pacifist, so it would follow that he'd use a martial art that does not work
Since they're stuck on a train, I assume Chuck will choose endless whining as the delay tactic to avoid ending the fight immediately
Otherwise, he could do a scenery change to put distance between them
The evil Steele was called Stalker, so this is going to be a weird one
Chuck Psyman, more like it
That is where that came from, you are on Peter David's level
Jeez I'm gonna be interviewing people. Thanks federal government.
You may have read the RAP. I'm living on that level this week.
Perfect place to consume some Peter David it sounds like
I am gonna be real I am seeing a disturbing lack of Rommel in that cover
Rommel is only on the first three covers, unfortunately
You're a regular Randy Rand
Psiman does have some excellent handshake game, all things considered
I appreciate that the shape-shifting cyborg cop came after the psychic with a small knife
oh man what if the cyborg turns out to be invincible to Psy-Man because he has a robot brain
If he's shielded from telepathy, then it's going to be Chuck needs Rommel to sniff the guy out
or the guy will have some way to cover his scent and then it's up to Chuck's usual solution: stupid coincidences
Psi-Man is only ever telepathic with the dog, really
Otherwise he's mostly telekinetic, except in the first book where he melted a guy's brain
And set dudes on fire
He can sense other psychics, but only the one time and it wasn't necessary
I miss the pyrokinesis
His powers are quite ill-defined
Pyrokinesis would have been really helpful against the Ice Antichrist
I think you mean the Chaos Kid, a nickname only said in narration twice
Some of the sloppiest writing I've seen, honestly
Even the seduction/murder of Peter David's childhood tormentor
That was troubling
Very
The narration seemed to make a bunch of changes just to hurt that kid as much as possible
I keep remembering things about Psi-Man, and I think they couldn't be real
President Fart couldn't have actually happened
Like it started with the kid saying something that pissed the villain off, so he got scalded by his shower. By the end, the kid had always been in love with him and he responded by murdering the kid with autopsy tools
My hope is to have such done good work and running this week I have no choice but to flop onto the couch with a scotch and make this whole run happen. Thank you for this good deed you do us regularly, Jello-Ho.
I really look forward to these Friday book parties. Grooviest of times.
If anything is in doubt, consult me, the Oracle of Peter David, and I can search his sacred tome for clues
is Psi Man the one where he's a quaker who practices Aikido?
Oh yeah
Bold move to make your pulp action sci fi protagonist a pacifist
Psi-Man: Stalker coming up in an hour. Here's a preview with that iconic Peter David "humor"
Stalker can apparently karate chop a man in half lengthwise
Still struggles grappling with Psi-Man though
That's some Jack Frost-level humor.
The one with the killer snowman, not the Michael Keaton movie or the SMT character
Fuck, that joke was shorter than the disclaimer
What's the over under on Stalkers real name being one of his childhood bullies?
Wait that doesn't work
What are the odds?
Skim his memoir and see if he names any other bullies
So far, we only have "Gil"
Though I don't think he'd make any of his bullies badass in any way
I want to see if it ends up being close to Mick Taylor
im looking up david peters author but all im finding is this pastor dude
he seems nice
It's a pseudonym of Peter David
i cant think of anything sadder than being an adult man who still has his elementary school bullies on his mind
Were you here for the last Psi-Man book?
no
He, no bullshit, had a kid named after one of his childhood bullies that he made gay just to have him fall for and be betrayed by the villain, who murdered him with autopsy equipment
wow
hes got some stuff to work through
thats something
In his memoir, he said that he suspected that bully might have been gay and called others that to draw attention from himself
and this was a kid in the fiction? like he killed off a child?
yeah
Killed by another child
who was effectively the Antichrist
is it a lord of the flies thing where all the characters in the book are children or is he just really bad at metaphors
I think he just wanted to show the villain was evil and decided to have a victim be the guy that picked on him at some point
It added nothing to the narrative
im sure thats not at all indicative of his inner dialogue
:Traxxine:
I'm glad he still kept these insane dog cover credits even when the dog isn't on the cover
And remember to cast your mind back to December 26, 2021
Gotta hook 'em early
I'm already laughing
I'd say I hope this is Chuck trying to talk Rommel into letting him express his anal glands, but I think Peter David would do that
"Had taken on a blondish hue." He's been blond on every cover, but OK
Better than "same dude but with mustache" like last time
Peter is in a humorous mood it seems. This bodes poorly
"Also, the dog helped him fuck a robot at Not-Disneyland"
Chuck immediately forgot about his little blind act
Chuck, you're a fugitive. You should have exactly zero other priorities than a cover story
This was a really necessary paragraph. Tell, don't show!
"Excuse me, I named my dog after a Nazi. I expect you to respect that"
PSI ME A RIVER, BABY
Okay, I called it that Chuck was going to have to get Rommel to track the bad guy. Let's see if that pays off
I never did warm to the name Rommel for this dog
Haha
Going to be a real chuckle fest
Oh god this is just peak David
Chuck also wondered what the deal was with airplane food
Nobody can stop him now
And what's with the cab drivers and the B.O.?
Chuck hitting his Seinfeld phase- oops @FancyShark beat me there
Chuck Simon: on the run
We all had the same idea there haha
What did I say about a cover story, Chuck?
Chuck?
Are you even listening?
He only has TK, right?
Keep telling yourself that you established the name Chaos Kid, Pete
And spider sense for psychics. Or not
And he can psychically talk to his dog, but only his dog
And he set people on fire in the first book
None of us can say how we'd feel, killing a child.
Depends on the child
But saving all of LA would probably do good work on my conscience.
Well, most of LA. Get dicked, Malibu.
Christ... "it killed him to do it but it killed the kid even more" definitely the smug musings of someone struggling with guilt
There's that Quaker sense of humor
And I guess they have a tiger cage on this train for Rommel the giant dog
This would be a sick Steele quote though for a cyborg man that doesn't give a shit about blasting a monster child
"Overjoyed" luggage manager?
This is the highlight of his day?
Not smelling the 20-year-olds?
Chuck Simon: on the run
Being a fugitive is so darn inconvenient
Chuck Simon in: Bum Watch
Rummaging around what?
10/10 spycraft
Turns out the bum is telling the minute hand the hour hand can't be trusted
Are we sure he's not just some tech bro douche?
Chuck Simon: Men's Room Troublemaker
Chuck will now learn bathroom etiquette via tap on a shoe from the neighboring stall
But Jerome Ryder had never taken a shit like this before
Jerome clearly has never had IBS
This mugger has to be in an incredibly awkward position
Jerome's terrible diet had finally caught up to him.
Kneeling on the bathroom floor, sticking a gun under the stall
You know, subtle
Best way to deal with surveillance is react visibly, then bolt.
That's what you need to do when there's no TP in the stall
The gun at least solved Jerome's other bathroom problem.
"It was deadly, in its own way." I've missed the last few books do they really have guns that make getting blasted by a regular bullet seem like not a big deal?
You vomit outside the toilet stall, right?
"A knife? Ha! Your pathetic paleolithic weapon is laughable by today's OOAOHGHGHHH"
Not really. The author just thinks he's being clever
They have electronic guns that never work
And always go to a room with a single exit
Rommel's such a dick.
I bet he's listening to all of this, thinking, "Good."
Are we sure they didn't put a cat brain in his dog skull
Honestly, if he just had a better name, Rommel would be my favorite character
AIKIDO
I think I know the plan
But I won't spoil it
Yes. Beat up Jerome and leave without changing clothes
The best move as a fugitive is to dress like someone that just committed assault
Chuck now decides that he needs to use this drug-addled maniac with a gun as a distraction
And also starts spinning people around
Was this guy NOT part of the hunter-killers?
The cop and the bystander are suddenly turned inside out. Oopsy!
Hurls a cop bodily across a marble room, spins a good samaritan like a top.
Lets the gunman flee.
Like a hero
Book of Quaker says thou shalt not suffer a cop to hassle your fellow man
"Whenst thou smell pork and it beeth not the special"
This act convinces the secret agents that Chuck is the mugger, even though they were following him and know what he looks like
Adamantium totally exists in this world
Chuck Simon: Master of Disguise
His next cover name is "Not Chuck Simon"
Meanwhile: a train conductor conducts
Saul Bass.
The chimp in the other seat, meanwhile, was out of its depth
good design is always zesty.
Seems legit
"No, lady. I fart in here. It's not sexy at all."
It's lip licking time
If anyone is this nice to me, I shut down.
Then she picked him up and ate him
Peter David is imagining this woman stepping on him.
I cannot believe it
Ain't nothing wrong with a powerful woman.
Who woulda guessed
"Stalker, huh? It's cool. I'm into it."
...wait, Stalker has illusion powers but also needs them to just get into the control cab?
He died as he lived: with an erection
He's a shapeshifter
Stalker's more a Mystique than a Shadow King
I feel like the seduction was an extra step for a guy who could T-1000 his way on board.
I'm guessing Peter hoped you didn't read the back of the book for this twist
He's also a deadly cyborg
Which seems excessive
But it means we get Evil Steele vs Chuck
This train seemingly drives itself, but sure replace the circuits
Now he'll get free wifi without entering a password
How big was this sweater/dress
That means his weapons look like titties
It's Battle Beyond the Stars!
He's a shapeshifter but he can't mimic a bust.
This pizza metaphor really adds to the tension
Simile, whatever
He's clayfacin'
I will now picture him voiced by Ron Perlman until he stops being interesting
The BULLET TRAIN looked like a bullet
Good marketing, at least
the train moved too fast to read the words.
Wait. Computer circuitry the entire length of the rails?
Chuck Simon encounters red head #3165
Who knows
She's been crying. That means she wants you to talk to her and ask her out, Chuck
Sorry, Diebel residuals
Two people you are bound to wind up encountering in first class
All I really want to do is travel the world with a talking dog, impressing redheads.
So, Shaggy
I would also be fine with eating that much and remaining skinny, yes.
I'm assuming you don't want to be Fred
I can't carry off the bandana-ascot.
I'm confused. Is the redheaded lady attractive? Peter's being coy
Widowed redhead, score
All women are attractive if they've recently been crying.
That means her standards have been lowered by grief!
gamely?
Just the best at undercover work
Excuse me, 'Projecting the impression of someone who had been crying a lot recently."
Staring at her rack, you dog.
"That seems like a nice, fun bag," he stammered.
Here are further clues
This year...?
im starting to think you just shouldnt do sexy scenes in a book because every one i've seen so far has been very creepy
"That is a quality ass, madam"
Imagine if somebody did this and wasn't flirting with you? You'd feel like the fink!
This lady's giving off mixed signals
Ah, he's going to cuckold the father of the kid he killed
friends with hitler? thats a red flag
Ohhh, this is the homewrecker!
Mistress
oh i read it wrong
hitlers dad?
The lady the guy died before he could leave his wife to be with
"I mean, I was there when his wife got in a screaming match in front of their kid, the antichrist."
"Wanna make out?"
Close, the antichrist
"He's very dead. Would you show me your ass again?"
technically the antichrists dad would be god right
Satan, but yeah, not human
Crying towel
Yeah, he did
im getting the vibe this dude has a thing for vulnerable women
sorry i probably missed this earlier on im at work and not all the way here
Hey, if you have sex with that woman, can I take over again?
I mean, you're not wrong
Unbelievably, this is still among the dumbest things in this series
The fact that the government can't track a moron with a spoon around his neck says volumes
Suddenly, her ass bubbled like cheese pizza. STRIKER!
Why. Was. There. A. Gorilla. Cage. On. The. Fancy. Train.
Women love men who wear mementos of their ex-wives.
"This was her coke spoon."
"This was her hand."
TRAIN AIKIDO
Because the gorillas in the Griffith Park zoo kept bashing their heads against the bars.
These days it's mostly used to transport terrorists who put whoopie cushions under presidents.
Toilet man appreciates TRAIN AIKIDO
"Woah! Sorry buddy, I didn't know she was with you or that you knew aikido!"
"Wait a second--SIMON? Chuck Simon? The Psy Man?"
"It's Ned! Ned Ryerson! From Quaker Camp!
"BING!"
simon... psyman....
yup
that must be a coincidence
nope
Chuck Simon (on the run) is not suspicious of going into a room of former military men
Chuck has the survival instincts of a juice box
You see, sticks, Chuck has PSYchic powers that give him PSIonic abilities. This apteronym, the Simon surname, under Gotham City law, has predisposed him to make the reader SIGH in frustration.
Look at all of these real names
Frank Bamberger
Is it Capri Sun? Because I've lost some of those battles.
Or, Ol Hotdog Hamburger as they used to call him
These have to be friends of PAD's parents.
Peter David: Scrabble Asshole
Try to guess how Pete decided to describe this woman's neck
Long
Hairy
LIIIIPS
Ever seen a woman who made you wish you were a vampire?
BROKEN
It's a Chuck Simon cuckfest!
It's spoon woman!
Hold up
She's wearing a pants suit. How the fuck does he see her ass tattoo?
She's his ex.
He's recalling birthmark bouncings past.
ohhhh
Chuck Simon's ex-wife is dating an old vet, I'm sure he's thrilled
You ever just hit it off with a guy, find out you're poonbuddies, and you're like "Ahhhh, I KNEW I liked you!"
Oh no. She'll blow his carefully orchestrated disguise!
Or did you ever "save" a guy's life just so he owes you anything to get one last go at your ex-wife?
Meanwhile: who gives a shit
Luckily he chose a fake name nearly identical to his real name
Al "St Bernard" Karpen
"My name? it's uh.... Sy Manne."
This is my dog...Not-Rommel.
This is my dog...Goebbels
Goebbels...Goering, the Uberhund
Her eyes snapped like a fine bear trap
The important thing is that uggos are absent