A bionic assassin takes on the master of psionic combat...
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gellaho
Cast your mind back, if you can, all the way to Sunday, December 26th 2021. The day after Christmas, Archbishop Desmond Tutu died, the James Webb Space Telescope launched, and Chuck Simon arrives in New York City after defeating(?) a god-like psychic child in San Fransisco. Join me in this journey to the past as we fight against the shapeshifter Stalker in Psi-Man: Stalker this Friday 5pm eastern.
gellaho
gellaho
Stupid holidays, making me miss when psionic met bionic
FancyShark
It's Psychic Mormon versus Evil Steele
Javo, The One with the Owls
Psi-Man is also the big akido dork right
FancyShark
Yep!
gellaho
Psychic Quaker, please
Javo, The One with the Owls
I wasn't sure because that attack seemed to be working
AIKIDO SLAM
gellaho
He's a wussy pacifist, so it would follow that he'd use a martial art that does not work
FancyShark
Since they're stuck on a train, I assume Chuck will choose endless whining as the delay tactic to avoid ending the fight immediately
Otherwise, he could do a scenery change to put distance between them
gellaho
The evil Steele was called Stalker, so this is going to be a weird one
Ramb$ne Gracie
Chuck Psyman, more like it
gellaho
That is where that came from, you are on Peter David's level
Ramb$ne Gracie
Jeez I'm gonna be interviewing people. Thanks federal government.
You may have read the RAP. I'm living on that level this week.
Perfect place to consume some Peter David it sounds like
Javo, The One with the Owls
I am gonna be real I am seeing a disturbing lack of Rommel in that cover
gellaho
Rommel is only on the first three covers, unfortunately
gellaho
You're a regular Randy Rand
Ramb$ne Gracie
Psiman does have some excellent handshake game, all things considered
gellaho
I appreciate that the shape-shifting cyborg cop came after the psychic with a small knife
Javo, The One with the Owls
oh man what if the cyborg turns out to be invincible to Psy-Man because he has a robot brain
FancyShark
If he's shielded from telepathy, then it's going to be Chuck needs Rommel to sniff the guy out
or the guy will have some way to cover his scent and then it's up to Chuck's usual solution: stupid coincidences
gellaho
Psi-Man is only ever telepathic with the dog, really
Otherwise he's mostly telekinetic, except in the first book where he melted a guy's brain
And set dudes on fire
FancyShark
He can sense other psychics, but only the one time and it wasn't necessary
gellaho
I miss the pyrokinesis
gellaho
His powers are quite ill-defined
FancyShark
Pyrokinesis would have been really helpful against the Ice Antichrist
gellaho
I think you mean the Chaos Kid, a nickname only said in narration twice
Some of the sloppiest writing I've seen, honestly
FancyShark
Even the seduction/murder of Peter David's childhood tormentor
gellaho
That was troubling
FancyShark
Very
The narration seemed to make a bunch of changes just to hurt that kid as much as possible
gellaho
I keep remembering things about Psi-Man, and I think they couldn't be real
President Fart couldn't have actually happened
FancyShark
Like it started with the kid saying something that pissed the villain off, so he got scalded by his shower. By the end, the kid had always been in love with him and he responded by murdering the kid with autopsy tools
Brendan Reborn
My hope is to have such done good work and running this week I have no choice but to flop onto the couch with a scotch and make this whole run happen. Thank you for this good deed you do us regularly, Jello-Ho.
I really look forward to these Friday book parties. Grooviest of times.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
If anything is in doubt, consult me, the Oracle of Peter David, and I can search his sacred tome for clues
Mr. J Boots
is Psi Man the one where he's a quaker who practices Aikido?
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh yeah
Mr. J Boots
Bold move to make your pulp action sci fi protagonist a pacifist
gellaho
Psi-Man: Stalker coming up in an hour. Here's a preview with that iconic Peter David "humor"
gellaho
Stalker can apparently karate chop a man in half lengthwise
Still struggles grappling with Psi-Man though
FancyShark
That's some Jack Frost-level humor.
The one with the killer snowman, not the Michael Keaton movie or the SMT character
Fuck, that joke was shorter than the disclaimer
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
What's the over under on Stalkers real name being one of his childhood bullies?
Wait that doesn't work
What are the odds?
FancyShark
Skim his memoir and see if he names any other bullies
So far, we only have "Gil"
Though I don't think he'd make any of his bullies badass in any way
gellaho
I want to see if it ends up being close to Mick Taylor
sticks
im looking up david peters author but all im finding is this pastor dude
he seems nice
gellaho
It's a pseudonym of Peter David
sticks
i cant think of anything sadder than being an adult man who still has his elementary school bullies on his mind
FancyShark
Were you here for the last Psi-Man book?
sticks
no
FancyShark
He, no bullshit, had a kid named after one of his childhood bullies that he made gay just to have him fall for and be betrayed by the villain, who murdered him with autopsy equipment
sticks
wow
hes got some stuff to work through
thats something
FancyShark
In his memoir, he said that he suspected that bully might have been gay and called others that to draw attention from himself
sticks
and this was a kid in the fiction? like he killed off a child?
FancyShark
yeah
Killed by another child
who was effectively the Antichrist
sticks
is it a lord of the flies thing where all the characters in the book are children or is he just really bad at metaphors
FancyShark
I think he just wanted to show the villain was evil and decided to have a victim be the guy that picked on him at some point
It added nothing to the narrative
sticks
im sure thats not at all indicative of his inner dialogue
:Traxxine:
gellaho
I'm glad he still kept these insane dog cover credits even when the dog isn't on the cover
gellaho
And remember to cast your mind back to December 26, 2021
gellaho
Gotta hook 'em early
FancyShark
I'm already laughing
I'd say I hope this is Chuck trying to talk Rommel into letting him express his anal glands, but I think Peter David would do that
gellaho
"Had taken on a blondish hue." He's been blond on every cover, but OK
FancyShark
Better than "same dude but with mustache" like last time
gellaho
Peter is in a humorous mood it seems. This bodes poorly
FancyShark
"Also, the dog helped him fuck a robot at Not-Disneyland"
gellaho
Chuck immediately forgot about his little blind act
FancyShark
Chuck, you're a fugitive. You should have exactly zero other priorities than a cover story
Greg
This was a really necessary paragraph. Tell, don't show!
gellaho
"Excuse me, I named my dog after a Nazi. I expect you to respect that"
Brendan Reborn
PSI ME A RIVER, BABY
FancyShark
Okay, I called it that Chuck was going to have to get Rommel to track the bad guy. Let's see if that pays off
Greg
I never did warm to the name Rommel for this dog
Haha
gellaho
Going to be a real chuckle fest
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Oh god this is just peak David
FancyShark
Chuck also wondered what the deal was with airplane food
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Nobody can stop him now
And what's with the cab drivers and the B.O.?
Greg
Chuck hitting his Seinfeld phase- oops @FancyShark beat me there
gellaho
Chuck Simon: on the run
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
We all had the same idea there haha
FancyShark
What did I say about a cover story, Chuck?
Chuck?
Are you even listening?
Brendan Reborn
He only has TK, right?
gellaho
Keep telling yourself that you established the name Chaos Kid, Pete
FancyShark
And spider sense for psychics. Or not
gellaho
And he can psychically talk to his dog, but only his dog
And he set people on fire in the first book
Brendan Reborn
None of us can say how we'd feel, killing a child.
FancyShark
Depends on the child
Brendan Reborn
But saving all of LA would probably do good work on my conscience.
Well, most of LA. Get dicked, Malibu.
Greg
Christ... "it killed him to do it but it killed the kid even more" definitely the smug musings of someone struggling with guilt
FancyShark
There's that Quaker sense of humor
gellaho
And I guess they have a tiger cage on this train for Rommel the giant dog
Greg
This would be a sick Steele quote though for a cyborg man that doesn't give a shit about blasting a monster child
FancyShark
"Overjoyed" luggage manager?
This is the highlight of his day?
Not smelling the 20-year-olds?
gellaho
Chuck Simon: on the run
FancyShark
Being a fugitive is so darn inconvenient
gellaho
Chuck Simon in: Bum Watch
FancyShark
Rummaging around what?
gellaho
10/10 spycraft
FancyShark
Turns out the bum is telling the minute hand the hour hand can't be trusted
Brendan Reborn
Are we sure he's not just some tech bro douche?
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Men's Room Troublemaker
FancyShark
Chuck will now learn bathroom etiquette via tap on a shoe from the neighboring stall
Greg
But Jerome Ryder had never taken a shit like this before
FancyShark
Jerome clearly has never had IBS
gellaho
This mugger has to be in an incredibly awkward position
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Jerome's terrible diet had finally caught up to him.
gellaho
Kneeling on the bathroom floor, sticking a gun under the stall
You know, subtle
Brendan Reborn
Best way to deal with surveillance is react visibly, then bolt.
FancyShark
That's what you need to do when there's no TP in the stall
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
The gun at least solved Jerome's other bathroom problem.
Greg
"It was deadly, in its own way." I've missed the last few books do they really have guns that make getting blasted by a regular bullet seem like not a big deal?
gellaho
You vomit outside the toilet stall, right?
Brendan Reborn
"A knife? Ha! Your pathetic paleolithic weapon is laughable by today's OOAOHGHGHHH"
FancyShark
Not really. The author just thinks he's being clever
gellaho
They have electronic guns that never work
Greg
And always go to a room with a single exit
Brendan Reborn
Rommel's such a dick.
I bet he's listening to all of this, thinking, "Good."
Are we sure they didn't put a cat brain in his dog skull
FancyShark
Honestly, if he just had a better name, Rommel would be my favorite character
gellaho
AIKIDO
Greg
I think I know the plan
But I won't spoil it
FancyShark
Yes. Beat up Jerome and leave without changing clothes
The best move as a fugitive is to dress like someone that just committed assault
gellaho
Chuck now decides that he needs to use this drug-addled maniac with a gun as a distraction
gellaho
And also starts spinning people around
Brendan Reborn
Was this guy NOT part of the hunter-killers?
FancyShark
The cop and the bystander are suddenly turned inside out. Oopsy!
Brendan Reborn
Hurls a cop bodily across a marble room, spins a good samaritan like a top.
Lets the gunman flee.
FancyShark
Like a hero
Brendan Reborn
Book of Quaker says thou shalt not suffer a cop to hassle your fellow man
FancyShark
"Whenst thou smell pork and it beeth not the special"
gellaho
This act convinces the secret agents that Chuck is the mugger, even though they were following him and know what he looks like
FancyShark
Adamantium totally exists in this world
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Master of Disguise
FancyShark
His next cover name is "Not Chuck Simon"
gellaho
Meanwhile: a train conductor conducts
Brendan Reborn
Saul Bass.
FancyShark
The chimp in the other seat, meanwhile, was out of its depth
Brendan Reborn
good design is always zesty.
gellaho
Seems legit
FancyShark
"No, lady. I fart in here. It's not sexy at all."
gellaho
It's lip licking time
Brendan Reborn
If anyone is this nice to me, I shut down.
FancyShark
Then she picked him up and ate him
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Peter David is imagining this woman stepping on him.
gellaho
I cannot believe it
Brendan Reborn
Ain't nothing wrong with a powerful woman.
gellaho
Who woulda guessed
FancyShark
"Stalker, huh? It's cool. I'm into it."
Brendan Reborn
...wait, Stalker has illusion powers but also needs them to just get into the control cab?
gellaho
He died as he lived: with an erection
gellaho
He's a shapeshifter
FancyShark
Stalker's more a Mystique than a Shadow King
Brendan Reborn
I feel like the seduction was an extra step for a guy who could T-1000 his way on board.
gellaho
I'm guessing Peter hoped you didn't read the back of the book for this twist
FancyShark
He's also a deadly cyborg
Which seems excessive
But it means we get Evil Steele vs Chuck
gellaho
This train seemingly drives itself, but sure replace the circuits
FancyShark
Now he'll get free wifi without entering a password
gellaho
How big was this sweater/dress
FancyShark
That means his weapons look like titties
It's Battle Beyond the Stars!
Brendan Reborn
He's a shapeshifter but he can't mimic a bust.
gellaho
This pizza metaphor really adds to the tension
gellaho
Simile, whatever
Brendan Reborn
He's clayfacin'
FancyShark
I will now picture him voiced by Ron Perlman until he stops being interesting
gellaho
The BULLET TRAIN looked like a bullet
FancyShark
Good marketing, at least
Brendan Reborn
the train moved too fast to read the words.
FancyShark
Wait. Computer circuitry the entire length of the rails?
gellaho
Chuck Simon encounters red head #3165
gellaho
Who knows
FancyShark
She's been crying. That means she wants you to talk to her and ask her out, Chuck
Sorry, Diebel residuals
gellaho
Two people you are bound to wind up encountering in first class
Brendan Reborn
All I really want to do is travel the world with a talking dog, impressing redheads.
gellaho
So, Shaggy
Brendan Reborn
I would also be fine with eating that much and remaining skinny, yes.
gellaho
I'm assuming you don't want to be Fred
Brendan Reborn
I can't carry off the bandana-ascot.
FancyShark
I'm confused. Is the redheaded lady attractive? Peter's being coy
gellaho
Widowed redhead, score
Brendan Reborn
All women are attractive if they've recently been crying.
FancyShark
That means her standards have been lowered by grief!
sticks
gamely?
gellaho
Just the best at undercover work
Brendan Reborn
Excuse me, 'Projecting the impression of someone who had been crying a lot recently."
Staring at her rack, you dog.
"That seems like a nice, fun bag," he stammered.
gellaho
Here are further clues
FancyShark
This year...?
sticks
im starting to think you just shouldnt do sexy scenes in a book because every one i've seen so far has been very creepy
gellaho
"That is a quality ass, madam"
Brendan Reborn
Imagine if somebody did this and wasn't flirting with you? You'd feel like the fink!
FancyShark
This lady's giving off mixed signals
gellaho
Ah, he's going to cuckold the father of the kid he killed
sticks
friends with hitler? thats a red flag
FancyShark
Ohhh, this is the homewrecker!
Mistress
sticks
oh i read it wrong
hitlers dad?
FancyShark
The lady the guy died before he could leave his wife to be with
gellaho
"I mean, I was there when his wife got in a screaming match in front of their kid, the antichrist."
"Wanna make out?"
gellaho
Close, the antichrist
FancyShark
"He's very dead. Would you show me your ass again?"
sticks
technically the antichrists dad would be god right
FancyShark
Satan, but yeah, not human
gellaho
Crying towel
FancyShark
Yeah, he did
sticks
im getting the vibe this dude has a thing for vulnerable women
sorry i probably missed this earlier on im at work and not all the way here
gellaho
Hey, if you have sex with that woman, can I take over again?
FancyShark
I mean, you're not wrong
gellaho
Unbelievably, this is still among the dumbest things in this series
FancyShark
The fact that the government can't track a moron with a spoon around his neck says volumes
Brendan Reborn
Suddenly, her ass bubbled like cheese pizza. STRIKER!
gellaho
Why. Was. There. A. Gorilla. Cage. On. The. Fancy. Train.
Brendan Reborn
Women love men who wear mementos of their ex-wives.
"This was her coke spoon."
FancyShark
"This was her hand."
gellaho
TRAIN AIKIDO
Brendan Reborn
Because the gorillas in the Griffith Park zoo kept bashing their heads against the bars.
These days it's mostly used to transport terrorists who put whoopie cushions under presidents.
gellaho
Toilet man appreciates TRAIN AIKIDO
Brendan Reborn
"Woah! Sorry buddy, I didn't know she was with you or that you knew aikido!"
"Wait a second--SIMON? Chuck Simon? The Psy Man?"
"It's Ned! Ned Ryerson! From Quaker Camp!
FancyShark
"BING!"
sticks
simon... psyman....
FancyShark
yup
sticks
that must be a coincidence
FancyShark
nope
gellaho
Chuck Simon (on the run) is not suspicious of going into a room of former military men
FancyShark
Chuck has the survival instincts of a juice box
Brendan Reborn
You see, sticks, Chuck has PSYchic powers that give him PSIonic abilities. This apteronym, the Simon surname, under Gotham City law, has predisposed him to make the reader SIGH in frustration.
gellaho
Look at all of these real names
gellaho
Frank Bamberger
Brendan Reborn
Is it Capri Sun? Because I've lost some of those battles.
gellaho
Or, Ol Hotdog Hamburger as they used to call him
Brendan Reborn
These have to be friends of PAD's parents.
FancyShark
Peter David: Scrabble Asshole
gellaho
Try to guess how Pete decided to describe this woman's neck
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Long
FancyShark
Hairy
gellaho
LIIIIPS
FancyShark
Ever seen a woman who made you wish you were a vampire?
Brendan Reborn
BROKEN
gellaho
It's a Chuck Simon cuckfest!
gellaho
It's spoon woman!
FancyShark
Hold up
She's wearing a pants suit. How the fuck does he see her ass tattoo?
Brendan Reborn
She's his ex.
He's recalling birthmark bouncings past.
FancyShark
ohhhh
gellaho
Chuck Simon's ex-wife is dating an old vet, I'm sure he's thrilled
Brendan Reborn
You ever just hit it off with a guy, find out you're poonbuddies, and you're like "Ahhhh, I KNEW I liked you!"
FancyShark
Oh no. She'll blow his carefully orchestrated disguise!
Brendan Reborn
Or did you ever "save" a guy's life just so he owes you anything to get one last go at your ex-wife?
gellaho
Meanwhile: who gives a shit
gellaho
Luckily he chose a fake name nearly identical to his real name
FancyShark
Al "St Bernard" Karpen
Heretic Ferroday
"My name? it's uh.... Sy Manne."
Brendan Reborn
This is my dog...Not-Rommel.
gellaho
This is my dog...Goebbels
FancyShark
Goebbels...Goering, the Uberhund
gellaho
Her eyes snapped like a fine bear trap
FancyShark
The important thing is that uggos are absent
Heretic Ferroday
I get what he means by "snapping" but it's still a weird word there
gellaho
Similes are hard
FancyShark
YawwwWAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHhhwn
gellaho
Metaphor, goddammit
Brendan Reborn
...like, an intense spray whorled from him?
sticks
hmm i wonder if there are any natural disasters in his future
gellaho
Full of fluid are his lungs
FancyShark
Or Chuck screams when he yawns
gellaho
Al is a master of warrior ki
FancyShark
His jowls tensed up, sensing danger
gellaho
Really piling up the coincidences, Peter
FancyShark
If you have more than one nickname that sticks in a group, at least one is sarcastic
Brendan Reborn
Wait wait wait
These two share a love of their life AND a nemesis?
gellaho
Does Stalker have dead flesh or shapeshifting, putty skin, Peter?
gellaho
Al is a different member of the ex-army guys
FancyShark
What, Stalker's too good to seduce this guy?
gellaho
Jack Ryder is with Chuck's and ex. Al and Rita are just married members of the army
gellaho
His zombie/fresh/pizza skin is too confused to know what to do
And now it's like steel, sure
gellaho
My phone does not want to type steel anymore
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
. . .
FancyShark
I appreciate that Stalker's having fun with this
gellaho
What a fucking weird thing to say before you kill someone
gellaho
"Me throwing you out this window is like being born"
FancyShark
Some births are more awesome than others
Greg
"I WAS BORN BREECH, BITCH"
dies amazingly
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Peter. This is grim
gellaho
And not at all like being born
FancyShark
Now the sign reads *%llet Train"
gellaho
You know how when you are born your head explodes?
Brendan Reborn
The thought was gone from his head...along with the rest of his head
gellaho
Rommel senses a disturbance in the force
gellaho
Also, he's on the train. Not the baggage claim area, Pete
Greg
I was just about to say Simon had a pretty cool scene going until that line
FancyShark
I assume he'll now start barking for several minutes at nothing
Brendan Reborn
"Better take over Chuck's mind just to be sure."
Two cars over, Chuck starts fucking Striker to death.
gellaho
Cyborg shapeshifters operate on a primal level
Brendan Reborn
I don't know why I'm trying to carve out enough mental space to copy edit this Blacke novel when every dimestore pulp we read doesn't have it.
FancyShark
Peter, Rommel is a dog. Just make it that he can smell Stalker. Don't do this primal bullshit
gellaho
Stalker senses that he is sensed. Despite his mental screens
gellaho
Whatever a mental screen is
FancyShark
Tin foil hat
gellaho
I guess all that happened in a split second
FancyShark
"Jerome feel...betray? Why, Simon-Who-Not-Simon?"
gellaho
OK. So Chuck Simon's elaborate cover up is falling apart anyway
Heretic Ferroday
wait, Jack Ryder as in, The Creeper?
gellaho
Jerome Ryder, I was mistaken
FancyShark
Chuck Simon, still not captured by the government
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Horny Idiot
Heretic Ferroday
cooing noises? like a baby?
gellaho
Chuck Simon: Pacifist
FancyShark
Chuck? Army guys, Chuck. FOCUS
gellaho
Isn't this wacky? Remember when that guy's head exploded?
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
More like a pigeon.
gellaho
This is how people talked in 2021
Brendan Reborn
It's probably worth remembering that we are cranky olds and Chuck is a Zoomer.
gellaho
I'm pretty sure he's a millennial
Brendan Reborn
So now Ryder hates the guy who saved his life, just because he pleasured Anna in ways and to depths that Jerome never could?
gellaho
I guess she told Jerome that Chuck broke up with her
For reasons
FancyShark
And that pisses him off?
gellaho
Meanwhile: Redhead lady thinks Chuck is her butler
gellaho
She also told him Chuck treated her like dirt
FancyShark
oh
gellaho
You know how women are
FancyShark
I know how Peter David thinks women are
gellaho
FancyShark
Wow. I didn't think he'd just hand that to us
gellaho
She welcomed this conversation
FancyShark
"Stupid woman! Why can't you know what I'm thinking?!"
gellaho
Every model would love to be with a small town gym teacher
FancyShark
No, not everyone
I'm pretty sure Rommel doesn't give a shit
gellaho
Chuck Simon had a girlfriend in the first book. When the Complex faked her death, he brutally murdered dozens of them
gellaho
But sure, he never got over his ex-wife
FancyShark
Also how did Chuck whining about how women don't understaaaaaaand turn into talking points for the Republican Party?
wait, nevermind
There's some aspect of Chuck that gets retconned in each book. This is the first time it's a character trait and not a superpower
gellaho
Jerome seems like the kind of dude that would just let Anna go talk to her ex husband
FancyShark
Anna was stunned that Chuck seemed to be doing better WITHOUT YOU, YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEAR PETER DAVID?! HUH?!
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Chuck
FancyShark
Chuck Simpon
Brendan Reborn
I hate when he gets 2021 right.
gellaho
This is how people talk
Brendan Reborn
How did a gym teacher become a military contractor experiment again?
gellaho
he was born with it
FancyShark
No tenure
gellaho
Seems like a great symbol Chuck
FancyShark
Also the only letter Chuck learned to spell
He never understood why students were happy with his failing report cards
gellaho
Stalker shows up as Al in SPEAR
FancyShark
"We sure did see a lot of innocents die before our eyes, didn't we?"
gellaho
Keep piling up coincidences Peter
FancyShark
And they decided to tell you on a train?
That's a weird clause
gellaho
Peter's getting into AIDS conspiracies
FancyShark
"It was called..."
<hits PLAY on boombox>
"BOOGIE FEVER"
gellaho
AIDS superpowers
gellaho
this mutating virus is adding onto the Steele similarities
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Yeah I was going to say
Except the opposite
If only Peter could imagine the Screamers
gellaho
Islamic terrorists as well
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
There's a nonzero chance he just read steele and tweaked it
gellaho
Fuck it, steal from Star Trek while you are at it
Brendan Reborn
"What if X-Men but HIV"
I'm not against the Eugenics War out of the gate.
I just need to hear your criterion and methodology pitch.
gellaho
Neither was Khan
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I think peter David might have actually written a book about the star trek eugenics wars.
FancyShark
It's cute that Peter David thinks all Arab terrorist groups would unite
gellaho
I guess this means Chuck has super AIDS
Brendan Reborn
Khan brought them all together.
The story as I understand it is Anna not only just found out her ex carries a torch for her, but he had HIV when they were married.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
But like, good HIV
gellaho
Who would have guessed
gellaho
MORE CONDUCTORS
gellaho
Peter David spends the next couple of pages discussing how badly the dead engineer's bowel movement smelled
gellaho
Definitely stealing from Star Trek now
FancyShark
hahaha, feces!
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
I think that specific phrase of technobabble is a reference to something.
Doctor Who, maybe.
Brendan Reborn
Wait they're not putting the unit back together, they're bringing back the ACTUAL VFW guys?
gellaho
If only people had access to portable communications devices in 2021
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
The joke is that neutrons don't have polarity.
gellaho
You think of a better plan than 6 old people tracking down the most powerful psychic in the world
Brendan Reborn
"We're putting you all on a bullet train to yuk it up. Bring your wives."
FancyShark
Chuck's only hope is that they're too stupid to figure out his alias
gellaho
Meanwhile: Rommel sits
Brendan Reborn
Odds Jerome shakes his hand and says I may not like you, but goddamn do I respect you...then reports Chuck was killed with no evidence?
FancyShark
100% unless Jerome is murdered
gellaho
Stalker and Rita go into the sauna
gellaho
Peter getting psycho sexual in this one
Brendan Reborn
Ooh baby when you kiss me, it tingles like bubbling pizza cheese.
Al's facing
FancyShark
I guess we know where the editor gave up
gellaho
1/10 quip Stalker
Brendan Reborn
Don't cry for Conductor Bob. He died doing what he loved: playing with trains and admiring electrical engineering.
What you don't know is that "You're next" was Al's pet name for her rosebud.
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
That's how I want to go.
gellaho
Chuck's with a woman, so Rommel has to get involved
FancyShark
Chuck's not a virgin, but he's the most virginal character, so this still adheres to slasher movie rules
Greg
They are still on this goddamn choo choo?
FancyShark
This is the setting for the whole book
gellaho
Chuck laying really low
Greg
Ahhh
FancyShark
That man's dead, but whatever. Chuck's in a hurry
gellaho
They call Rita "Coily Legs"
gellaho
Was the cold water necessary for this?
FancyShark
Now she attaches a chainsaw to the stump
gellaho
Apparently the cold water is necessary. Otherwise his shapeshifting flesh... melts?
gellaho
I'm not sure how this works
Brendan Reborn
This is Colt Blacke's squad in a universe without cybernetics.
FancyShark
This is Friday the 13th with more steps
Brendan Reborn
except for the cybernetics.
gellaho
Great work, Chuck
FancyShark
Our hero
gellaho
Oh, fuck off
Brendan Reborn
Rita = trunc(float(arm*.5))
gellaho
Chuck sucks again
FancyShark
He has bones, Chuck. Limbs. Stop trying to grab onto the least stable pieces
Brendan Reborn
that...I dunno, that feels like the weakest version of a jab.
@Javo, The One with the Owls can I get a pro assessment?
gellaho
Here lies Hotdog Hamburger: Ice-creamed to death
FancyShark
It's great how Chuck's perfect defense is fucking useless
gellaho
I feel like if there were more people, you would be able to use more force without it being lethal
Greg
Frank Bamberger is a totally normal people name and it is disrespectful to Simon to poke fun at it
Brendan Reborn
hahaha, he delivered the one-liner before the mutilation.
gellaho
I enjoy that some people saw a monstrous Chuck Simon running from the sauna and didn't think it's weird that a normal one was still in there
FancyShark
Also he has Frank's face in his hand!
gellaho
All bullet trains come equipped with a South American prison
Brendan Reborn
They had a gorilla cage.
FancyShark
I don't think that hog line was as strong as they meant it to be
Brendan Reborn
Chuck, just unwrap the restraints.
gellaho
"Shut up," he yelled at no one
Brendan Reborn
Psi-powers are wasted on Chuck
FancyShark
This is not the time to be a good sport, Chuck
Hell, it's never a good time for that
Brendan Reborn
I arrest you in the name of Shitty Crybaby Murder President
FancyShark
"I arrest you in the name of the farting man!"
Then the whole train laughs in remembrance of that day
gellaho
Chuck, who has prevented guns from firing and stopped bullets, still thinks he might get shot
Brendan Reborn
WHEN HE REMEMBERS
FancyShark
Chuck eats plain bread because opening a peanut butter jar isn't worth the effort
Brendan Reborn
He can spin a bystander for ten seconds, but freezing two firing pins is pushing it.
Brendan Reborn
at least he addressed the psi-lephant in the room.
gellaho
Things kinda go on like this for a while
FancyShark
Is Chuck severely depressed? This is book five. Giving up this easily and often is no longer a quirk
Brendan Reborn
Women who pursue their dreams and are honest with their partners are super-bitches, pass it on.
gellaho
These guys used to work with a shapeshifter who hates them, but wouldn't believe a shapeshifter existed
FancyShark
Anna went on to say "I never should have told him he didn't have a future writing comic books and I LOVE YOU PETER DAVID TAKE ME BACK!" but Peter David was so much happier without her and had lots of sex and didn't need to use personal lube or anything
Brendan Reborn
gotta go watch Orange County, because the '00s were our last years of innocence! #savepoint #remembermetommy #fancysharkmvp
gellaho
"The shapeshifter had to be dead, it's not like he could appear to be dead"
FancyShark
"Seems weird we even had a whole team when Stalker could have done everything himself."
"Anyway, let's all split up and let our guard down."
gellaho
You aren't seeing Jerome at his best, being robbed on the toilet
FancyShark
Also, Chuck, you were a gym teacher. You don't have any insecurity about that?
More power to you, but still
gellaho
RIP Joe Arnoff, we barely knew ye
FancyShark
And that's why you always have a spotter
gellaho
Sandy's got Chuck pegged
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Hahaha yes
FancyShark
Go, Sandy!
gellaho
Not Rommel!
FancyShark
Not the creature that is stronger and more bloodthirsty than Chuck!
gellaho
Chuck's more willing to put in effort for his Nazi dog than actual human beings
FancyShark
Typical dog owner, really
gellaho
A lot of effort for Rommel
FancyShark
And he couldn't do this before or it'd have been "lethal"
To be fair, I would absolutely do this if I had TK and was stuck in a line
gellaho
Keep it up, Chuckles
FancyShark
"Heh, heh, I just authorized myself"
gellaho
Let's work on tone, Peter
FancyShark
Monologuing gets weird when it's not clear if both parties speak the same language
gellaho
Jesus Christ, Chuck sucks
FancyShark
Goddammit Chuck
YOU HAVE TELEKINESIS
gellaho
throwing knives are too much for my psychic powers!
FancyShark
They're like bullets!
But larger and slower!
And there's more of a warning because of the wind up to throw them!
gellaho
Meanwhile, Rommel explodes the cage
FancyShark
Gorilla cage
They must've left the cage on the train because it was cheaply made
gellaho
There's a three foot wide platform on the edge of the train?
gellaho
doesn't seem very aerodynamic for the bullet train
FancyShark
Is it on the side or the spot that connects the cars?
Actually, that's stupid either way for a bullet train, like you said
gellaho
The cold water step earlier continues to be confusing
FancyShark
His melting point is somewhere between room temperature and whatever number Peter David saw last
gellaho
Chuck's decided to try going airborne again
gellaho
That always works
FancyShark
Yeah, this will end well on the bullet train
gellaho
He's flying through the air again
FancyShark
Damn you, physiiiiiiiiiiiics!
gellaho
These powers are inconsistent
gellaho
New: mind tether
Write it in Chuck's character sheet
FancyShark
Wasn't he unable to do anything against a tidal wave because he needed traction?
gellaho
I'm hoping he's miming pulling the rope
gellaho
Like a, uh, mime
gellaho
Water has less mass than air, everyone knows that
Fucking still!?
FancyShark
At a certain point, Chuck is choosing to let people die
Brendan Reborn
I'm back? What happened?
FancyShark
Chuck is a happy kite on the bullet train
Stalker tried to kill Rommel
Stalker threw a knife at Chuck and hit Chuck's arm
Now Stalker is Spider-Manning on the outside of the train
Chuck tried to follow and fly
See line 1
gellaho
Chuck can't concentrate on using his psychic powers to stay on the train and psychically attack Stalker. But he can fail to aikido
FancyShark
Oh right. And Stalker smashed Joe Arnoff into paste with weights
gellaho
The fuck does this mean
FancyShark
Like the hobo crabs of old
gellaho
They tear off hand rails and start fighting with them. Peter David calls then staves, because he's a huge dork
FancyShark
This is where all that aikido training really pays off
Brendan Reborn
Rommel is the only dog whose death I wouldn't mourn.
gellaho
Stalker flies back into the train
Turns out the preview is after he intrudes on people about to fuck
gellaho
So that's the second person he's killed with an erection
But this time, he hit erection first
FancyShark
Stalker needs more constructive ways to let off steam
Brendan Reborn
This book was written during a very horny time in PAD's life.
gellaho
That guy just got split in half, and it is hilarious apparently
gellaho
Deadly whisking
FancyShark
"Darn it!"
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
He slipped on a kidney like it was a banana peel.
gellaho
So they lose Stalker, somehow
FancyShark
Hanna Barbera slipping sound effects and all
gellaho
Back to this pointless bickering, but we have Frank and Joe
FancyShark
Where's Chet
So Stalker's flesh is liquid unless he's being sneaky or has a good, cool soak
gellaho
These people are very dumb
FancyShark
"And that was the best name they could think of for him"
gellaho
Jerome shoots Chuck
gellaho
Then Rommel, just because I guess
FancyShark
Oh no
Stop
Don't shoot
gellaho
Ryder is among the dumbest characters I've seen
gellaho
Stern is both dead, alive, and not realizing he's dead
Brendan Reborn
Stalker was Chuck. Rommel was Himmler. PAD was Hawke!
FancyShark
YOU ALL WORKED WITH STALKER FOR YEARS. HOW ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS?
Brendan Reborn
the blood of stern
the passive voice in this installment...
gellaho
Who is they?
gellaho
They blew him up and thought he was dead, but simultaneously captured him and started experimenting on him?
FancyShark
Twist: "they" are the Girl Scout Troop of America
gellaho
Oh, Peter
FancyShark
Man, and up until this point I was sure Stalker was a good guy
Brendan Reborn
How is it he blames his brothers in arms
gellaho
What
FancyShark
Chuck Puppet
gellaho
Chuck's alive, don't worry about how
gellaho
Oh yeah, that thing that happens
gellaho
Creased skull
FancyShark
...what
SKULLS AREN'T PAPER!
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Did he mean graze?
Brendan Reborn
of all the answers
gellaho
As far as I can tell, Stalker emerges from this bathroom 3 times
Brendan Reborn
PAD had a shapeshifter and TK right there, but went with "lucky bounce."
FancyShark
I'm legitimately angry at that
That's some 1940's serial bullshit
gellaho
Chuck decides that the only solution to getting your head slammed against a windshield is to destroy it
Brendan Reborn
either this came in late or nobody cared.
gellaho
I can't believe that didn't work out
Brendan Reborn
Rommel is a bad friend.
gellaho
How is Stalker defeated?
FancyShark
TK fling?
gellaho
Chuck throws him off the train
FancyShark
Wheeeee!
gellaho
Something he could have done whenever
But the train is going too fast and is out of control and they are approaching Manhattan, what to do?
Really fuck up the computer, that's what
FancyShark
I'm sure it'll come into play in the sequel: Stalker Takes Manhattan
gellaho
That engages the brakes?
Brendan Reborn
Stalker is alive.
But is Liver stalking?
wait wait wait
FancyShark
"Making a poor attempt at humor"? Ballsy of you, PAD
Brendan Reborn
the train is going to Manhattan but the Delta Squad schmucks were traveling FROM LA
to HUNT CHUCK
gellaho
Here's Anna
FancyShark
Suddenly she's married to an abusive monster
gellaho
Stalker seems to really want to kill men with boners
FancyShark
Told you. This is slasher movie rules
gellaho
Ryder, the asshole, saves the day
FancyShark
And once again it's guns, not psionics, that stop the villain
gellaho
What a dick head
FancyShark
"Stay away from my wife, Quaker"
gellaho
Anna is dumber than dirt
Brendan Reborn
...did Stalker just rape Psi Man by proxy?
FancyShark
Anna can only see the truth when a man says it
Meanwhile, Ryder will have trouble going to sleep, haunted by how good it felt to shoot his wife repeatedly in the head
gellaho
Bye, Sandy, you were a pointless character
Brendan Reborn
Sandy will return!
because she sure didn't do anything here.
gellaho
You never had a home, Rommel
gellaho
I guess that's the end
FancyShark
Weird, but still better pacing than the previous ones
Chuck only refused to do anything useful the one time
Brendan Reborn
Rommel got sidelined because a supergenius dog in a train is an unbeatable weapon.
gellaho
I cut out so much train fighting and bickering
FancyShark
Thank you for that
gellaho
Bhodi Li says we have defeated Psi-Man: Stalker
gellaho
I don't think that cover actually happened
Substitute Mercenary Wombat
Thank you for your sacrifice.
FancyShark
Cover Art Chuck looks too sexy and confident to be the right guy
Brendan Reborn
GOODNIGHT, PSI PRINCE
FancyShark
And a flight of Rommels sing thee to thy rest
gellaho
The last one takes place Early Summer 2022, so look forward to that
Brendan Reborn
I return now to my surprisingly well-written Colin Hanks vehicle starring an '80s bouquet of top-name comedic talent.
FancyShark
Hell yeah
Thanks again @gellaho !
Great riffing, everybody!
Brendan Reborn
Thank you, @gellaho for doing the Meatmonger's work.
gellaho
I'm running dangerously low on sub-200 page Peter Davids
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Thanks for doing this.
jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator
Sandy you say
To the Peter David Mines!
Brendan Reborn
I will immortalize her in prose.
gellaho
So, he was lusting over his secretary's ass. Cool, Peter, cool
