46: Psi-Man: Stalker David Peters

Heretic Ferroday

I get what he means by "snapping" but it's still a weird word there

gellaho

Similes are hard

FancyShark

YawwwWAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHhhwn

gellaho

Metaphor, goddammit

Brendan Reborn

...like, an intense spray whorled from him?

sticks

hmm i wonder if there are any natural disasters in his future

gellaho

Full of fluid are his lungs

FancyShark

Or Chuck screams when he yawns

gellaho

Al is a master of warrior ki

FancyShark

His jowls tensed up, sensing danger

gellaho

Really piling up the coincidences, Peter

FancyShark

If you have more than one nickname that sticks in a group, at least one is sarcastic

Brendan Reborn

Wait wait wait

These two share a love of their life AND a nemesis?

gellaho

Does Stalker have dead flesh or shapeshifting, putty skin, Peter?

gellaho

Al is a different member of the ex-army guys

FancyShark

What, Stalker's too good to seduce this guy?

gellaho

Jack Ryder is with Chuck's and ex. Al and Rita are just married members of the army

gellaho

His zombie/fresh/pizza skin is too confused to know what to do

And now it's like steel, sure

gellaho

My phone does not want to type steel anymore

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

. . .

FancyShark

I appreciate that Stalker's having fun with this

gellaho

What a fucking weird thing to say before you kill someone

gellaho

"Me throwing you out this window is like being born"

FancyShark

Some births are more awesome than others

Greg

"I WAS BORN BREECH, BITCH"

dies amazingly

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Peter. This is grim

gellaho

And not at all like being born

FancyShark

Now the sign reads *%llet Train"

gellaho

You know how when you are born your head explodes?

Brendan Reborn

The thought was gone from his head...along with the rest of his head

gellaho

Rommel senses a disturbance in the force

gellaho

Also, he's on the train. Not the baggage claim area, Pete

Greg

I was just about to say Simon had a pretty cool scene going until that line

FancyShark

I assume he'll now start barking for several minutes at nothing

Brendan Reborn

"Better take over Chuck's mind just to be sure."

Two cars over, Chuck starts fucking Striker to death.

gellaho

Cyborg shapeshifters operate on a primal level

Brendan Reborn

I don't know why I'm trying to carve out enough mental space to copy edit this Blacke novel when every dimestore pulp we read doesn't have it.

FancyShark

Peter, Rommel is a dog. Just make it that he can smell Stalker. Don't do this primal bullshit

gellaho

Stalker senses that he is sensed. Despite his mental screens

gellaho

Whatever a mental screen is

FancyShark

Tin foil hat

gellaho

I guess all that happened in a split second

FancyShark

"Jerome feel...betray? Why, Simon-Who-Not-Simon?"

gellaho

OK. So Chuck Simon's elaborate cover up is falling apart anyway

Heretic Ferroday

wait, Jack Ryder as in, The Creeper?

gellaho

Jerome Ryder, I was mistaken

FancyShark

Chuck Simon, still not captured by the government

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Horny Idiot

Heretic Ferroday

cooing noises? like a baby?

gellaho

Chuck Simon: Pacifist

FancyShark

Chuck? Army guys, Chuck. FOCUS

gellaho

Isn't this wacky? Remember when that guy's head exploded?

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

More like a pigeon.

gellaho

This is how people talked in 2021

Brendan Reborn

It's probably worth remembering that we are cranky olds and Chuck is a Zoomer.

gellaho

I'm pretty sure he's a millennial

Brendan Reborn

So now Ryder hates the guy who saved his life, just because he pleasured Anna in ways and to depths that Jerome never could?

gellaho

I guess she told Jerome that Chuck broke up with her

For reasons

FancyShark

And that pisses him off?

gellaho

Meanwhile: Redhead lady thinks Chuck is her butler

gellaho

She also told him Chuck treated her like dirt

FancyShark

oh

gellaho

You know how women are

FancyShark

I know how Peter David thinks women are

gellaho

FancyShark

Wow. I didn't think he'd just hand that to us

gellaho

She welcomed this conversation

FancyShark

"Stupid woman! Why can't you know what I'm thinking?!"

gellaho

Every model would love to be with a small town gym teacher

FancyShark

No, not everyone

I'm pretty sure Rommel doesn't give a shit

gellaho

Chuck Simon had a girlfriend in the first book. When the Complex faked her death, he brutally murdered dozens of them

gellaho

But sure, he never got over his ex-wife

FancyShark

Also how did Chuck whining about how women don't understaaaaaaand turn into talking points for the Republican Party?

wait, nevermind

There's some aspect of Chuck that gets retconned in each book. This is the first time it's a character trait and not a superpower

gellaho

Jerome seems like the kind of dude that would just let Anna go talk to her ex husband

FancyShark

Anna was stunned that Chuck seemed to be doing better WITHOUT YOU, YOU HEAR ME? YOU HEAR PETER DAVID?! HUH?!

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Chuck

FancyShark

Chuck Simpon

Brendan Reborn

I hate when he gets 2021 right.

gellaho

This is how people talk

Brendan Reborn

How did a gym teacher become a military contractor experiment again?

gellaho

he was born with it

FancyShark

No tenure

gellaho

Seems like a great symbol Chuck

FancyShark

Also the only letter Chuck learned to spell

He never understood why students were happy with his failing report cards

gellaho

Stalker shows up as Al in SPEAR

FancyShark

"We sure did see a lot of innocents die before our eyes, didn't we?"

gellaho

Keep piling up coincidences Peter

FancyShark

And they decided to tell you on a train?

That's a weird clause

gellaho

Peter's getting into AIDS conspiracies

FancyShark

"It was called..."

<hits PLAY on boombox>

"BOOGIE FEVER"

gellaho

AIDS superpowers

gellaho

this mutating virus is adding onto the Steele similarities

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yeah I was going to say

Except the opposite

If only Peter could imagine the Screamers

gellaho

Islamic terrorists as well

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

There's a nonzero chance he just read steele and tweaked it

gellaho

Fuck it, steal from Star Trek while you are at it

Brendan Reborn

"What if X-Men but HIV"

I'm not against the Eugenics War out of the gate.

I just need to hear your criterion and methodology pitch.

gellaho

Neither was Khan

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

I think peter David might have actually written a book about the star trek eugenics wars.

FancyShark

It's cute that Peter David thinks all Arab terrorist groups would unite

gellaho

I guess this means Chuck has super AIDS

Brendan Reborn

Khan brought them all together.

The story as I understand it is Anna not only just found out her ex carries a torch for her, but he had HIV when they were married.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

But like, good HIV

gellaho

Who would have guessed

gellaho

MORE CONDUCTORS

gellaho

Peter David spends the next couple of pages discussing how badly the dead engineer's bowel movement smelled

gellaho

Definitely stealing from Star Trek now

FancyShark

hahaha, feces!

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

I think that specific phrase of technobabble is a reference to something.

Doctor Who, maybe.

Brendan Reborn

Wait they're not putting the unit back together, they're bringing back the ACTUAL VFW guys?

gellaho

If only people had access to portable communications devices in 2021

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

The joke is that neutrons don't have polarity.

gellaho

You think of a better plan than 6 old people tracking down the most powerful psychic in the world

Brendan Reborn

"We're putting you all on a bullet train to yuk it up. Bring your wives."

FancyShark

Chuck's only hope is that they're too stupid to figure out his alias

gellaho

Meanwhile: Rommel sits

Brendan Reborn

Odds Jerome shakes his hand and says I may not like you, but goddamn do I respect you...then reports Chuck was killed with no evidence?

FancyShark

100% unless Jerome is murdered

gellaho

Stalker and Rita go into the sauna

gellaho

Peter getting psycho sexual in this one

Brendan Reborn

Ooh baby when you kiss me, it tingles like bubbling pizza cheese.

Al's facing

FancyShark

I guess we know where the editor gave up

gellaho

1/10 quip Stalker

Brendan Reborn

Don't cry for Conductor Bob. He died doing what he loved: playing with trains and admiring electrical engineering.

What you don't know is that "You're next" was Al's pet name for her rosebud.

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

That's how I want to go.

gellaho

Chuck's with a woman, so Rommel has to get involved

FancyShark

Chuck's not a virgin, but he's the most virginal character, so this still adheres to slasher movie rules

Greg

They are still on this goddamn choo choo?

FancyShark

This is the setting for the whole book

gellaho

Chuck laying really low

Greg

Ahhh

FancyShark

That man's dead, but whatever. Chuck's in a hurry

gellaho

They call Rita "Coily Legs"

gellaho

Was the cold water necessary for this?

FancyShark

Now she attaches a chainsaw to the stump

gellaho

Apparently the cold water is necessary. Otherwise his shapeshifting flesh... melts?

gellaho

I'm not sure how this works

Brendan Reborn

This is Colt Blacke's squad in a universe without cybernetics.

FancyShark

This is Friday the 13th with more steps

Brendan Reborn

except for the cybernetics.

gellaho

Great work, Chuck

FancyShark

Our hero

gellaho

Oh, fuck off

Brendan Reborn

Rita = trunc(float(arm*.5))

gellaho

Chuck sucks again

FancyShark

He has bones, Chuck. Limbs. Stop trying to grab onto the least stable pieces

Brendan Reborn

that...I dunno, that feels like the weakest version of a jab.

@Javo, The One with the Owls can I get a pro assessment?

gellaho

Here lies Hotdog Hamburger: Ice-creamed to death

FancyShark

It's great how Chuck's perfect defense is fucking useless

gellaho

I feel like if there were more people, you would be able to use more force without it being lethal

Greg

Frank Bamberger is a totally normal people name and it is disrespectful to Simon to poke fun at it

Brendan Reborn

hahaha, he delivered the one-liner before the mutilation.

gellaho

I enjoy that some people saw a monstrous Chuck Simon running from the sauna and didn't think it's weird that a normal one was still in there

FancyShark

Also he has Frank's face in his hand!

gellaho

All bullet trains come equipped with a South American prison

Brendan Reborn

They had a gorilla cage.

FancyShark

I don't think that hog line was as strong as they meant it to be

Brendan Reborn

Chuck, just unwrap the restraints.

gellaho

"Shut up," he yelled at no one

Brendan Reborn

Psi-powers are wasted on Chuck

FancyShark

This is not the time to be a good sport, Chuck

Hell, it's never a good time for that

Brendan Reborn

I arrest you in the name of Shitty Crybaby Murder President

FancyShark

"I arrest you in the name of the farting man!"

Then the whole train laughs in remembrance of that day

gellaho

Chuck, who has prevented guns from firing and stopped bullets, still thinks he might get shot

Brendan Reborn

WHEN HE REMEMBERS

FancyShark

Chuck eats plain bread because opening a peanut butter jar isn't worth the effort

Brendan Reborn

He can spin a bystander for ten seconds, but freezing two firing pins is pushing it.

Brendan Reborn

at least he addressed the psi-lephant in the room.

gellaho

Things kinda go on like this for a while

FancyShark

Is Chuck severely depressed? This is book five. Giving up this easily and often is no longer a quirk

Brendan Reborn

Women who pursue their dreams and are honest with their partners are super-bitches, pass it on.

gellaho

These guys used to work with a shapeshifter who hates them, but wouldn't believe a shapeshifter existed

FancyShark

Anna went on to say "I never should have told him he didn't have a future writing comic books and I LOVE YOU PETER DAVID TAKE ME BACK!" but Peter David was so much happier without her and had lots of sex and didn't need to use personal lube or anything

Brendan Reborn

gotta go watch Orange County, because the '00s were our last years of innocence! #savepoint #remembermetommy #fancysharkmvp

gellaho

"The shapeshifter had to be dead, it's not like he could appear to be dead"

FancyShark

"Seems weird we even had a whole team when Stalker could have done everything himself."

"Anyway, let's all split up and let our guard down."

gellaho

You aren't seeing Jerome at his best, being robbed on the toilet

FancyShark

Also, Chuck, you were a gym teacher. You don't have any insecurity about that?

More power to you, but still

gellaho

RIP Joe Arnoff, we barely knew ye

FancyShark

And that's why you always have a spotter

gellaho

Sandy's got Chuck pegged

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Hahaha yes

FancyShark

Go, Sandy!

gellaho

Not Rommel!

FancyShark

Not the creature that is stronger and more bloodthirsty than Chuck!

gellaho

Chuck's more willing to put in effort for his Nazi dog than actual human beings

FancyShark

Typical dog owner, really

gellaho

A lot of effort for Rommel

FancyShark

And he couldn't do this before or it'd have been "lethal"

To be fair, I would absolutely do this if I had TK and was stuck in a line

gellaho

Keep it up, Chuckles

FancyShark

"Heh, heh, I just authorized myself"

gellaho

Let's work on tone, Peter

FancyShark

Monologuing gets weird when it's not clear if both parties speak the same language

gellaho

Jesus Christ, Chuck sucks

FancyShark

Goddammit Chuck

YOU HAVE TELEKINESIS

gellaho

throwing knives are too much for my psychic powers!

FancyShark

They're like bullets!

But larger and slower!

And there's more of a warning because of the wind up to throw them!

gellaho

Meanwhile, Rommel explodes the cage

FancyShark

Gorilla cage

They must've left the cage on the train because it was cheaply made

gellaho

There's a three foot wide platform on the edge of the train?

gellaho

doesn't seem very aerodynamic for the bullet train

FancyShark

Is it on the side or the spot that connects the cars?

Actually, that's stupid either way for a bullet train, like you said

gellaho

The cold water step earlier continues to be confusing

FancyShark

His melting point is somewhere between room temperature and whatever number Peter David saw last

gellaho

Chuck's decided to try going airborne again

gellaho

That always works

FancyShark

Yeah, this will end well on the bullet train

gellaho

He's flying through the air again

FancyShark

Damn you, physiiiiiiiiiiiics!

gellaho

These powers are inconsistent

gellaho

New: mind tether

Write it in Chuck's character sheet

FancyShark

Wasn't he unable to do anything against a tidal wave because he needed traction?

gellaho

I'm hoping he's miming pulling the rope

gellaho

Like a, uh, mime

gellaho

Water has less mass than air, everyone knows that

Fucking still!?

FancyShark

At a certain point, Chuck is choosing to let people die

Brendan Reborn

I'm back? What happened?

FancyShark

Chuck is a happy kite on the bullet train

Stalker tried to kill Rommel

Stalker threw a knife at Chuck and hit Chuck's arm

Now Stalker is Spider-Manning on the outside of the train

Chuck tried to follow and fly

See line 1

gellaho

Chuck can't concentrate on using his psychic powers to stay on the train and psychically attack Stalker. But he can fail to aikido

FancyShark

Oh right. And Stalker smashed Joe Arnoff into paste with weights

gellaho

The fuck does this mean

FancyShark

Like the hobo crabs of old

gellaho

They tear off hand rails and start fighting with them. Peter David calls then staves, because he's a huge dork

FancyShark

This is where all that aikido training really pays off

Brendan Reborn

Rommel is the only dog whose death I wouldn't mourn.

gellaho

Stalker flies back into the train

Turns out the preview is after he intrudes on people about to fuck

gellaho

So that's the second person he's killed with an erection

But this time, he hit erection first

FancyShark

Stalker needs more constructive ways to let off steam

Brendan Reborn

This book was written during a very horny time in PAD's life.

gellaho

That guy just got split in half, and it is hilarious apparently

gellaho

Deadly whisking

FancyShark

"Darn it!"

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

He slipped on a kidney like it was a banana peel.

gellaho

So they lose Stalker, somehow

FancyShark

Hanna Barbera slipping sound effects and all

gellaho

Back to this pointless bickering, but we have Frank and Joe

FancyShark

Where's Chet

So Stalker's flesh is liquid unless he's being sneaky or has a good, cool soak

gellaho

These people are very dumb

FancyShark

"And that was the best name they could think of for him"

gellaho

Jerome shoots Chuck

gellaho

Then Rommel, just because I guess

FancyShark

Oh no

Stop

Don't shoot

gellaho

Ryder is among the dumbest characters I've seen

gellaho

Stern is both dead, alive, and not realizing he's dead

Brendan Reborn

Stalker was Chuck. Rommel was Himmler. PAD was Hawke!

FancyShark

YOU ALL WORKED WITH STALKER FOR YEARS. HOW ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS?

Brendan Reborn

the blood of stern

the passive voice in this installment...

gellaho

Who is they?

gellaho

They blew him up and thought he was dead, but simultaneously captured him and started experimenting on him?

FancyShark

Twist: "they" are the Girl Scout Troop of America