47: The Ambivalent Magician Simon Hawke

gellaho

Oooh, we're at the part I saw ahead of time

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Look we obviously all love Hawke. This one is just tough love

gellaho

Time for some cross promotion

Mr. J Boots

I had something I had to take care of, did I miss anything important?

FancyShark

You did not

gellaho

It's time for the TimeWars cameo!

gellaho

Brendan Reborn

Gotta hand it to this evil sorcerer, who's not only fighting God but arguing with him while he does.

So close to Steeleville

gellaho

I couldn't believe it when I was flipping through and saw this

Mr. J Boots

Is this the most self indulgent book ever written?

gellaho

Not a cameo from his wizard series, but the scifi one

gellaho

I'd still go Peter David's autobiography

Right, @jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

FancyShark

I'm more angry at how he suddenly managed to become an efficient writer by bringing in people from a different series

Heretic Ferroday

I stepped away to make supper and come back to....this

Mr. J Boots

he's writing fan fiction about his own characters?

gellaho

I haven't seen any excerpts from a fart novel, so that remains the worst thing I've seen

FancyShark

This is the first interesting thing that's happened since the start of book one

Brendan Reborn

Ah, Mexicans. Famous for having so many names.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yes, that for sure is more self indulgent

gellaho

I'm sure he will keep this promise

Mr. J Boots

autobiographies always strike me as a bit self important.

"Like yeah, everyone will want to hear about my life story from me"

gellaho

Peter David also thinks he's hilarious, and athletic, and the best

FancyShark

And murdered a character named after a childhood bully

Mr. J Boots

I wish I had that level of confidence

Heretic Ferroday

are we watching a man masturbate through narrative device?

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I do enjoy searching his autobiography for character names to see who in his life wronged him and who he worked with and wanted to fuck

gellaho

Brewster's fiancée is still attempting to reconstruct his time machine

Brendan Reborn

When does Hawke's team of space Marines face the Photon squad?

gellaho

The vast majority of it has been descriptions of economics and nation building

I have skipped it

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Oh my god which one of us is going to have to write Ready Player Hawke?

Heretic Ferroday

so that's a yes, then

Mr. J Boots

oh in his zany fantasy novel about a meta wizard he still managed to include to worst parts of fantasy writing

gellaho

You masturbate weird

Mr. J Boots

was hoping he'd skip that

FancyShark

If we write any fanfic with the Photon squad, it's going to devolve into chapters and chapters of Bhodi Li eating shit

Heretic Ferroday

can't be weirder than this

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I mean it would really be Book Cage: The Book

FancyShark

I would read the hell out of that

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Bhodi Li and Steele take on the evil network of Psionic soldiers

FancyShark

Bhodi does not survive

He dies in Joe's arms

Mr. J Boots

Im taking bets on whether we think the book cage or the apes will be @gellaho's undoing

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Oh shit yeah Hardy Boys

gellaho

If you wanted your Steele inclusion, here it is

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

VCASS

gellaho

I could only hope for so noble a death

Mr. J Boots

I want to beat Hawke with this book and yell "Write normal stuff"

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Well and the brain computer interface, sure

Mr. J Boots

Hawke can't ever seem to stay focused in his writing, which is maybe the number one thing you would learn in writing school right?

FancyShark

He normally finds a way to turn back around and find the thread again

He managed it in Psychodrome and it was masterful

Mr. J Boots

I miss djonin

Ramb$ne Gracie

This all reminds me: I actually had a ladle full of bacon in a soup I made a week ago

gellaho

Here's some Hardy Boys slenderness

Ramb$ne Gracie

Those hardy boys were right. Ladle bacon is truly edible

Mr. J Boots

I feel like any editor would crumple up this page and eat it

FancyShark

Our only hope is that he still has his .357 magnum

Mr. J Boots

that is awkward as fuck

FancyShark

:save point:

I have to go ambush the mail carrier

gellaho

Hey look, a plot thing

gellaho

You didn't even hear about the 7 foot tall ambulatory shrub

Mr. J Boots

he wrote himself in again?

Brendan Reborn

I BE GROOD

Mr. J Boots

solid burn or awkward reach? you guys decide

gellaho

Teddy brought a Bag of Holding

Heretic Ferroday

wait

cursive runes?

I'm trying to picture this

gellaho

It's best if you don't

We have much worse problems

Mr. J Boots

I've got to say, this is the third best novel written by a home depot employee I've read

Heretic Ferroday

I...fuck off, hawke

Mr. J Boots

I like the magic sword being called "dwarfkabob"

Brendan Reborn

It's kinda racist.

Heretic Ferroday

it's incredible how that's not even the most offensive part of that page

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yeah that made me lol too

Mr. J Boots

he then spent a paragraph justifying the joke name, which is definitely great writing

gellaho

He's having a hard time, OK

Heretic Ferroday

I would almost forgive this if he were writing this at gunpoint

Mr. J Boots

he is deep into three different kinds of existential crisis writing this

gellaho

Relatable

Brendan Reborn

Maybe Stephen King will show up and these two will team up against an army of walk-ins.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

"Hey there, George RR. It's Simon from school. Hey listen, I need some advice on writing quicker"

Mr. J Boots

I feel like this novel was written as a result of him realizing he might not be that great at writing

gellaho

You'll never believe how long this goes on for

Mr. J Boots

it's no longer a joke but a cry for help

gellaho

You were saying

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I kinda love this Hawke stream of consciousness

Heretic Ferroday

Remember, we're currently molesting a troll and grabbing his "dwarfkabob"

gellaho

I'm having a great time

Mr. J Boots

we were, now Hawke is having a mental breakdown at his poor life choices

gellaho

Wizard of 4th Street reference

Heretic Ferroday

if this were funny this could almost be an old cracked column piece

Brendan Reborn

Barbara and Crichton really getting raked over the coals here.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Fuckin drag them, king

gellaho

Simon Hawke calls a phone sex line

Mr. J Boots

Crichton deserves it

Brendan Reborn

I read Timeline, he can never pay for what he did.

Heretic Ferroday

the novel has officially ground to a halt while Hawke enumerates on his mid-life crisis

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

And it's infinitely more fun to read than the actual novel

Mr. J Boots

were you there when Javo talked about his racist novel?

Brendan Reborn

No.

gellaho

Simon Hawke decides to tell the villain what's going on

Brendan Reborn

Missing a golden opportunity to flip the charges and earn money from the phoneline worker.

Mr. J Boots

oh, he wrote a novel about japan will take over the US, in 1991

Brendan Reborn

people thought Japan was going to buy everything in 1990.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

The ol' switcheroo

Brendan Reborn

But it turns out math said No.

Mr. J Boots

basically yellow peril round 2

gellaho

But twas a trick!

Mr. J Boots

buddy, this story was off track on page one, good luck getting this shit on some kind of rail

Heretic Ferroday

can I just say that I hate this? he's patting himself on the back for outsmarting a character he wrote to be dumber than himself

Mr. J Boots

feel free to say you hate this as much you want

gellaho

Poetry sword

Mr. J Boots

first off a shaman is not a wizard

gellaho

that is the joke, yes

Heretic Ferroday

that's supposed to be a joke?

gellaho

the whole thing is supposed to be

it's not good, but it's supposed to be

Heretic Ferroday

oh god, you weren't kidding the other day

Brendan Reborn

Maybe he was both, which is why the other wizards found him notable as a shaman.

Mr. J Boots

the joke sort of turned out to be on Hawke if we're honest

Mr. J Boots

what if the guy you're fighting absolutely sucks at sword fighting?

gellaho

Poetry, baby

gellaho

gellaho

Here you go

gellaho

Huzzah

Brendan Reborn

Ho, she hustled him.

gellaho

Yon Chamber pot

gellaho

This is one horny spell book

gellaho

gellaho

There's the preview

Mr. J Boots

the spell of unbelievable orgasms is when you make her cum but nobody believes you

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Hahahaha

Abra cadabra change back

Ok that's funny

Mr. J Boots

magic isn't an exact science

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

Tell that to Brandon Sanderson.

Mr. J Boots

Brandon Sanderson is my mortal enemy

gellaho

The New Yorker famously loves time travel conspiracies

gellaho

There's that lip moistening

Mr. J Boots

Gotta keep those lips moist

FancyShark

:load savepoint:

What'd I miss?

gellaho

Simon had a fun break down

Otherwise not much. Have this

FancyShark

bleagh

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Donna

FancyShark

La Donna

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

As in Steeles Donna

FancyShark

Oh

I thought it was a Madonna joke

gellaho

What about a PAC joke

gellaho

FancyShark

uuuuuggggghhhhhhh

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Donna and the "Stealers" guild you say

gellaho

Oh, I love this book

FancyShark

Hawke's right about confidence being sexy

Not sure why that matters in what I'm assuming is a labor dispute

gellaho

I've skipped over a lot of this, but Sandy is the Queen to King Billy. She's meeting with the Underground, who are plotting King Billy's overthrow in Pittsburg

FancyShark

King Billy was the bucket, right?

gellaho

I'm assuming Ferret Phil is some reference I don't know. Maybe it's just alliteration

gellaho

No, he's just a dumbass

Back to logistics

gellaho

Booze tank

FancyShark

So they're still building a kingdom and just ignoring the warlock?

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Children Love the Booze Tank

gellaho

Oh, Simon tricked the Warlock to use the time machine

that was at the end of his breakdown

FancyShark

ohhh, okay

so now the miniscule stakes have been reduced even more

gellaho

Simon helpfully explains now

FancyShark

Any kind of ending would satisfy me at this point, Simon

gellaho

Well, now you've hurt his feelings

FancyShark

As for the rest of that, you should be grateful it didn't happen after either of the first two books

It counts for nothing

GDC and a bucket of shuriken

Simon Hawke invented an author having a twitter meltdown in the mid-nineties.

FancyShark

I will apologize for hurting you, Simon, after you apologize for hurting us

gellaho

I'm having a much better time with this one than the first two

gellaho

So many fewer puns

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yeah I agree

Brendan Reborn

wait the first two are worse?

FancyShark

It's definitely less painful

Brendan Reborn

is this the wizard of 4th street universe?

gellaho

no

FancyShark

Nope. This is supposed to be our world and an alternate reality

Brendan Reborn

Arg(h)

gellaho

Hell yeah, Skid Row

Mr. J Boots

If only djonin was alive to see this

gellaho

Warrick has arrived in our reality

Mr. J Boots

Maybe one day Simon hawke will too

gellaho

Canonically, he's not in our reality

gellaho

For Warrick cannot hear him

FancyShark

He will presumably be shot

gellaho

Magic no worko

gellaho

Pamela's going back in time

Brendan Reborn

Arrogant Wench!

FancyShark

And the world ended.

Brendan Reborn

GOOD

gellaho

I'm enjoying learning about Simon Hawke

gellaho

gellaho

I'm kind of getting the impression he did this out of spite

FancyShark

These books make for a fascinating tantrum

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I really think he was getting fed up with writing and let it out here

gellaho

I'm also enjoying his disdain for art, that really speaks to me

FancyShark

This seems like a sniper shot at Javo

gellaho

It's a big fuck you

gellaho

@jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator George RR in the house

gellaho

Firmly off the rails

FancyShark

This book is starting to rule

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yes. YES

I am loving the Javo Jam there too

Hawke isn't pulling punches anymore, baby

FancyShark

Hawke isn't even writing a novel anymore

gellaho

Yeah, not really

Brendan Reborn

He pitched this book as world-building and writing instructional wearing the mask of narrative.

gellaho

This has gotten so weird

FancyShark

hahaha, this is a manifesto

gellaho

That probably would have been a good thing to mention earlier, yes

gellaho

FancyShark

He is giving up as we watch

This is

This is incredible

Brendan Reborn

It's like he forgot the book was due.

Mr. J Boots

Does Simon Hawke not believe in second drafts?

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Editing is for cowards

Grip it and rip it

gellaho

Pamela is this book's official lip moistener

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Hawke is the John Daly of literature

gellaho

None of the author's I've read believe in second drafts

FancyShark

A second draft means you admit weakness

I think @jasondavidwongpargin said that the other day

gellaho

Swiss army knife coming back

FancyShark

They make great presents

gellaho

The Magic of cigarettes

gellaho

Mr. J Boots

Venture bros did a gag like this but it was funny

FancyShark

Martin Lawrence also did a gag like this. It was not funny

gellaho

Topical

FancyShark

This was 96, right?

gellaho

Yes

FancyShark

Barely got that reference in on time

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Almost became irrelevant just as quickly, like a candle in the wind

gellaho

Colin had become a chamber pot

FancyShark

haha, poop

Mr. J Boots

Was it a different chamberpot guy earlier or is this some kind of flashback?

FancyShark

Different one

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Oh no we're in a multi-pot situation now

FancyShark

Hawke sees a lot of mileage in this gag

Mr. J Boots

Guy getting turned into a pot you crap in is not funny enough for an encore

FancyShark

Barely funny enough for a political cartoon

gellaho

Simon Hawke tells continuity to suck it

Mr. J Boots

Do you think being transformed into an inanimate object is painful?

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I do appreciate his commitment to the "it's magic fuck you" principle of explaining things

Mr. J Boots

I do respect that

gellaho

King Billy seems cool

Mr. J Boots

I also respect he's basically just leveling with the audience that he has no idea what the hells happening either

gellaho

King Billy gets abducted by his wife while playing with his toys

FancyShark

"Frog-marched"?

gellaho

Don't worry about it

gellaho

Simon Hawke muses on the nature of large corporations

FancyShark

Hey, we reached him

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

How much you wanna bet the narrator betrays us in the end

Nobody who says trust me this much is ever worthy of trust

FancyShark

He's fumbled every joke he's attempted in this series

So yeah, he's telegraphing

Or he's being facetious

"Haha, I obviously know what I'm doing!"

gellaho

Hey look, the plot is coming together

Mr. J Boots

The number one joke seems to be "I'm a bad writer ha" but like, at a certain point It always stops being a joke

gellaho

As punishment, Warrick must hear several people's life stories

Brendan Reborn

This makes me long for the simple narrative of the Hardy Boys.

FancyShark

Are we Warrick?

Is that what Hawke is driving at?

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Oh no

The White Tower

Ivory Tower

We're sitting here in the ivory tower

This is not good

gellaho

Promising

gellaho