47: The Ambivalent Magician Simon Hawke

FancyShark

uh huh

$5 says that was where Simon stopped writing for the night

Brendan Reborn

That or he told the editor he'd get the next chapter in by Tuesday.

gellaho

Simon Hawke is brainstorming the ending

FancyShark

Simon transcripted his mirror talk

gellaho

Suck it, Jessica Fletcher

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

More like Angela Shitbury

Mr. J Boots

Hawke realized he couldn't make this book not suck so he decided to make a joke about the book sucking

Brendan Reborn

he's teaching a writing class, right? He assigns his own book and voila: 100 guaranteed sales every year.

FancyShark

Every disclaimer is longer than the thing it's disclaiming

gellaho

Enter Chamber Pot

FancyShark

Never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather watch Mr. Ed

Mr. J Boots

The fact that this man teaches people how to write

FancyShark

I hope he considers these books a lesson in what not to do

Mr. J Boots

I know I do

Brendan Reborn

My creative writing professor was so bad I bought his book and annotated it MST3K style for my college gf, who was in the class.

Mr. J Boots

Ha

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

So he made you do something creative with his work you say

Maybe he was a great professor after all

Brendan Reborn

Dragging it kicking and screaming into continuity, yeah.

Mr. J Boots

I took all my creative writing classes in high school, maybe I'll take one in college

gellaho

Black Jack caught up with the queen and Pamela. It doesn't go well

FancyShark

Gun solves yet another Hawke puzzle

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Gun beats knife.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Game, blouses

gellaho

Then the goth elves show up

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

My Chemical Elfmance

Mr. J Boots

My chemical oh God damn it

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Haha sniped!

Would you say they chimed in with a haven't you people ever heard of closing the god dam door

gellaho

Then Colin gets unchamber potted

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Ok this book rules now

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I'm pretty sure goth elves would hate the word chemical and only cut themselves with artisanal steel.

Mr. J Boots

Thats panic at the disco

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

No I think they would say this isn't a scene it's a god dam arms race

Mr. J Boots

Fall out boy

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

At this point it's any band from that era in my head, there's no discernment

They're all the exact same band

FancyShark

Goth elf woman is hitting a little too close to some fantasies from high school

Mr. J Boots

Disagree but then I'm not 100

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Haha get rekt, me

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

My favorite one of these songs is teenage dirtbag.

So I'm not sure I'm qualified to judge.

gellaho

So he's been there for a year

FancyShark

"If it's all the same to you, I'd rather go home and watch Frankenstein and ignore you"

gellaho

The canons immediately exploded, so that was a good use of time

Mr. J Boots

What is happening right now?

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Oh my God Colin is awesome

I know nothing about him other than this but this is enough for me to define him as the best.

gellaho

Here comes the medieval tank

gellaho

He's a tabloid journalist who was briefly a chamber pot

FancyShark

Who are they fighting?

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Oh.

gellaho

And here comes the medieval motorcycles

Mr. J Boots

The black parade

gellaho

They seceded from the kingdom

Mr. J Boots

This is the worst fantasy novel Ive ever read

FancyShark

Don't read Xanth

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I mean you can run an engine on alcohol

But it is literally the worst way to go about it

gellaho

The goth elves

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

...

gellaho

And the sentient bushes

gellaho

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

They just published anyone back then, huh.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Thorny is a cute name for a bush though

FancyShark

Why would someone think it was a scene from Macbeth?

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Moving trees

FancyShark

oh

that tracks

Mr. J Boots

They are ready for a firefight

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Not quite where I'd immediately go if I saw this.

gellaho

And the dwarves

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

But it's on the list.

No

Mr. J Boots

But the devil's got their number tonight

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

No

Nooooooooooo

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

I think that's the Baltimore Ravens fight song too

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

My name is Simon and I'm here to say/I know about rap in a major way

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I'm kind of impressed, by the way now I feel like I would have given up on this book

But he's still going.

gellaho

Simon is back to brainstorming

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Good work, Simon.

You ignored the little voice saying maybe don't write this.

FancyShark

Hawke, what are you doing

Mr. J Boots

Now they're looking out tonight from desolation row

FancyShark

Don't put this on us

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

In my ending, everyone grows tits.

gellaho

Ending #1

gellaho

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Unless they already had tits.

Brendan Reborn

He's really going to put the gauntlet on me and tell me to wish none of this happened?

FancyShark

DAMMIT HAWKE YOU FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED!

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

... Did

Did he seriously do that

I thought it was a bit.

gellaho

Ending #2

FancyShark

He did

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I thought that.

Mr. J Boots

Is he doing the clue thing

FancyShark

Yeah

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I

Wow.

FancyShark

@jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator , you called it. We're being betrayed

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

This is Brockway level betrayal.

FancyShark

Technically this whole trilogy has been a betrayal

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

It was always going to be this way

gellaho

I am enjoying this immensely

gellaho

Look, I'm sure management will solve this

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Yes. Yes!

FancyShark

"Write something good instead"

"Maybe a story about a cyborg with a human penis"

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I am struggling to understand how this even exists.

gellaho

The fine people at Warner Books have this

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Maybe I died.

FancyShark

We've been puzzling over that the whole time too

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

At this point it's like the game within the game within the mothafuckin game

gellaho

And their buyout by a fictional company

FancyShark

This is so insane I'm amazed there isn't a hotdog article about it

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Hahahaha amazing

The wizard wins in the end after all!

FancyShark

👏

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Good.

gellaho

Simon is really mad he didn't get paid for that Star Trek book

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I would watch that show

FancyShark

Son of a bitch

He did it

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Why is that not a thing?

gellaho

A letter from Warner Books

FancyShark

hahahahahaha

HE DID IT!

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

...

Brendan Reborn

Maybe WE were the book, and the book was a spell reading US.

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Huh.

FancyShark

Guys, I...I think he stuck the landing

gellaho

Arizona = crazy, makes sense

gellaho

Simon's elaborate prank continues

FancyShark

This was the worst series I've ever seen, and he actually made me enjoy the ending

Mother. Fucker.

gellaho

And Warrick emerges victorious

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Hawke then wrote 3 more books and retired

….or did he?

gellaho

He has a gift

gellaho

The End

Brendan Reborn

Sounds nice.

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Okay then.

Brendan Reborn

We need fantasy art of Hawke, and that art needs to go on a van before Tuesday.

We made it!

Thank you to our host.

FancyShark

We did it!

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Nicholas Valentin Yermakov. His birth name was Nicholas Valentin Yermakov.

FancyShark

Thank you, always and again, @gellaho

This was a fucking ride

Brendan Reborn

The real van mural hero here.

jakesy, Mr. Ass appreciator

Oh yes. In this channel right now I would guess we have at least 3 or 4 of the worlds experts on Simon Hawke

Slash Nick Yermakov/JD Masters

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

I have somehow never heard of this man before.

Brendan Reborn

Good party and good night, you princes of Pittsburgh.

Substitute Mercenary Wombat

Or did I, and deliberately forget.

FancyShark

Standing on the shoulders of Apes. Hoping they don't look up

gellaho

We have defeated The Ambivalent Magician and therefore, the Reluctant Sorcerer series

FancyShark

Good night, Brendan!

gellaho

So concludes another edition of The Book Cage

FancyShark

Hell yeah

Great work one and all