Now Wyrdrune must save the most famous spell-master of all time-and stop its most infamous killer.
Archive
gellaho
300 pound fairy!
Now that I've gotten your attention, the Simon Hawke attack is back! This time, he's adding all sorts of kooky characters to the mix with Kira and Wyrdrune. How many rock concerts will Wyrdrune burn down in this adventure? How French is the shady French witch? And what ancient magicks will Billy Slade, 13 year old English punk, have access to? We will find out all this and more, this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read The Wizard of Whitechapel.
gellaho
FancyShark
oh no
gellaho
@Brockway pin this, or meet a similar octopus-related fate as poor Wyrdrune on the cover.
FancyShark
Is this really the first book we've done that has Jack the Ripper? Because I guarantee that's who they're talking about in that blurb on the front cover
also because Whitechapel. Dammit, I never spot the obvious
gellaho
Probably, I'm going in blind
Brockway
I ain't afraid of no 'pus
gellaho
Under an hour until The Wizard of Whitechapel. It will be shown in glorious squiggle vision
gellaho
Here's the preview
You Think This P is For Proxy?
I think The Wizard of Whitechapel was the working title for From Hell
FancyShark
Rippers Demand Higher Pay!
jakesy, space whale hater
These are some clunky names
FancyShark
Are all of the books in this series "The Wizard of _" ?
Will we go to Oz?
gellaho
Mostly. Except for The Samurai Wizard and The Last Wizard
FancyShark
Samurai Wizard? Fuck yes
I'm sure that won't have anything problematic
Speedboy the Wonder J
The Wizard of White Chapel is a good name for a Jack the Ripper musical
gellaho
It's pretty fuckin sweet
FancyShark
God damn
Ramb$ne Gracie
I hate it when my tattoos do that
jakesy, space whale hater
Hell yeah
Ramb$ne Gracie
"The land of the setting sun" - masterful!
jakesy, space whale hater
Gottem! - Simon Hawke
Ramb$ne Gracie
Hawko paints such a glorious pantomime with his canvas - words!
gellaho
That dragon is so psyched to be out of that chest tattoo
jakesy, space whale hater
It's an album cover quality picture
FancyShark
That's for the part of the song where the singer's voice splits into backup and lead vocals
jakesy, space whale hater
Turn around 🐉 EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART!
FancyShark
Fill my eyes 🐉 WITH THAT DOUBLE-VISION!
Ramb$ne Gracie
I heard that 🐉 did the metal cover of Dickstab Alley
gellaho
We have a little while to wait for that
FancyShark
Something to look forward to though
gellaho
For now, time for Wizard of Whitechapel
FancyShark
Time for some Ripping!
gellaho
We begin with who I presume is Mordred
FancyShark
He's not conservatively dressed? I'm already lost
gellaho
Hawke getting a little thirsty near the end here
FancyShark
Mordred dressed like a hipster before it was cool
Technically, every hipster has
gellaho
Mordred sensually rubs his ruby
jakesy, space whale hater
Better have a 32 inch waist and 50 inch lats
FancyShark
We should be grateful the ruby didn't hit Mordred in the junk
gellaho
Mordred responds appropriately to not getting his drink order
gellaho
Oh, also the frightening skull apparition
FancyShark
Priorities, okay?
jakesy, space whale hater
TactiCool wizard gear
FancyShark
The sad thing is that the hell wraith was really starting to make something of itself
gellaho
Hell yeah, metal
gellaho
Simon knows which words to italicize
FancyShark
I don't remember Ghost Rider having this power, but I haven't read all the comics
gellaho
RIP booze
FancyShark
"Well, at least the Rolling Stones won't do this kind of damage."
jakesy, space whale hater
Nows a good time to remind you that Drizly™️ can replace that bottle in 2 hours or less!
FancyShark
I bet it costs a fortune though!
gellaho
Jesus, I didn't know this was a horror book, Simon
FancyShark
Hold on, Simon. You're really pushing it if you expect us to believe someone would laugh at a mime
gellaho
Get fucked, mime!
FancyShark
Then it rained and he died
jakesy, space whale hater
Hahaha eat shit clown
gellaho
Simon's got a type
FancyShark
I can't fault him for it
Brendan Reborn
LET'S GET IT ON
FancyShark
Hi Brendan!
You missed Mordred getting sent to hell or somewhere by a blue fire tornado in his hotel room
And Wyrdrune trapped a mime in an invisible box
Brendan Reborn
He's got Van Guy body under an iROC Guy head
gellaho
I hope you are ready for the greatest paragraph ever written
FancyShark
hell yeah, do it
gellaho
FancyShark
Land squid! Whooshboard! Rapper box!
gellaho
Kira sloppily eats a hotdog
Brendan Reborn
Were he not blond, this would plainly be Vandal Savage.
FancyShark
I have no notes, Simon
gellaho
A fun relationship based on buffoonery and violence
FancyShark
daww, the red flags are so adorable!
gellaho
The Yiddish broom is back
FancyShark
dammit
It helps if you imagine the broom's lines read by Andy Kindler
gellaho
Goes back for a second description on Kira
Brendan Reborn
Confession: I mostly use Drizly to source the nearest stores, then order directly from the stores.
Everybody wins. Eliminate the middleman, save $20, shop keeps all the profit.
Plus it's the best local-price comparison tool on a bottle.
FancyShark
Hawke's description also leaves nothing to the imagination
Brendan Reborn
Get bent, you guys--mime (mimicry? miming?) is an amazing art.
jakesy, space whale hater
softly, outside the door my name is Kira and I'm here to say/ our relationship is dysfunctional in a major way
gellaho
I am dubious
jakesy, space whale hater
There's the Simon we know and love
Brendan Reborn
In a world of witches, mimes are the ones who don't float.
gellaho
The gems give them a hive mind. Also, liiiips
Brendan Reborn
I know just from this abstract it's Washington Square.
Like it could be Bethesda Fountain, but it ain't.
FancyShark
Kira turns into the Hulk
Brendan Reborn
Hi Shark!
gellaho
Mordred is having a great time
gellaho
She very strong
FancyShark
They looked at each other.
"Gyros?"
"Gyros."
Game Dweeb Thrillho
Except they each pronounced it differently
gellaho
Introducing Billy Slade, teen punk of ambiguous race
Brendan Reborn
A) The broom has hands? B) I just didn't expect a broom to be judgmental, feels like it would be more supportive of her independence.
FancyShark
Hawke couldn't decide on ethnicity so he checked all the boxes
jakesy, space whale hater
@Brendan Reborn SLADE
FancyShark
Slade?
gellaho
Putting some mustard on this description
gellaho
tatterdemalion
Brendan Reborn
But no bra.
jakesy, space whale hater
It's a mystery, cloaked in Blacke
FancyShark
I think Hawke saw The Crying Game and wanted to describe that actor
gellaho
The timeline doesn't quite work out for that
Brendan Reborn
This is such a pleasing turn.
FancyShark
huh. Then I guess Simon's got another type
gellaho
He's also thirteen, so don't say that
FancyShark
oop
gellaho
He's also possessed by Merlin
FancyShark
His "do"
Brendan Reborn
Billy Slade, St. Mark's guttersnipe.
gellaho
Billy starts kicking balls
Brendan Reborn
Here's what I was going to write: Okay I'm caught up now.
Here's what I am writing instead: Holy shit, he actually called him a guttersnhipe.
Like I know I said it after, but I was only up to the insufferably pretty page.
gellaho
Ghost magic
FancyShark
Hawke's in your mind, man
Brendan Reborn
Hahaha, Billy's fighting Bill Sykes.
FancyShark
The weirdest part is the gang leader is Swedish
jakesy, space whale hater
Oy, ima kick your arse innit
Also are the ribs also stored in the balls?
FancyShark
Izzit too much'a ask yew gobs teh kick 'is goolies back?
Brendan Reborn
If you kick 'em hard enough, the balls visit the ribs
gellaho
We're going to be doing the guvna accent the whole time, are we
Brendan Reborn
Wot, ere guvnah, is you yobs mental ven
FancyShark
I hope Slade has a conversation with someone with a thick Irish or Scottish accent and the whole page is unintelligible
jakesy, space whale hater
AYPER-WOT
What the fuck even is that
gellaho
Don't get your cock up, guv
FancyShark
I can't even think of what word Merlin interrupted
gellaho
jakesy, space whale hater
God dammit
Brendan Reborn
I'm stealing this
Brendan Reborn
...cherry?
FancyShark
That could work. I think?
gellaho
I'm liking this exposition via idiot
Brendan Reborn
We need to find a British guttersnipe and ask them what's Cockney rhyming slang for that good stuff.
"A golden berry. Like Gary. Gary Busey. Gary PUSEY."
jakesy, space whale hater
Luckily for us, all Brits are guttersnipes
gellaho
Billy is very interested in Merlin fucking
jakesy, space whale hater
USA! 4 O Clock!
FancyShark
Billy is a father of six
Brendan Reborn
I don't even talk to a British person unless they're missing half their teeth and on a ship carrying tea.
Everyone else is just a late-imperialist crustpunk stooge.
INCLUDING YOU, THE QUEEN.
FancyShark
Brendan Reborn
This kid is so cool for 13 I think he's prematurely lame for 25.
gellaho
Turns out that fucking was very plot relevant
FancyShark
Blimey
gellaho
There he is
FancyShark
Jack needs to wrap this up quick. He's due to appear in the Holodeck in a few hours.
gellaho
Seems weird to me that part of London would be completely abandoned in this magic world, but sure
FancyShark
So in the future, firefighters seem pretty chill
Or negligent
gellaho
Meet Joey Lyman: ugly and dumb
FancyShark
Hi, Joey!
Brendan Reborn
How disappointing to be 13, full of the memories of medieval sex, and then you find out it's your grandfather.
FancyShark
He'd go on to found some FREAKY websites
gellaho
Joey horny and too... everything to actually get any
Brendan Reborn
Medusa was beautiful though.
FancyShark
Joey, Incel Template
jakesy, space whale hater
Spider with Parkinson's is unreal imagery
Brendan Reborn
How old is Joey?
He sounds too young to have money for whores.
FancyShark
Twenty two
gellaho
Joey is getting Jack the Ripper as a buddy
FancyShark
Redhead check
I guess Joey was born to Igor
gellaho
I guess Jack the Ripper has magic powers
Brendan Reborn
I feel like 80% of Joey's problems would go away if he'd just gotten a hygiene mentor instead of a murder one.
Brendan Reborn
So yeah: Reddit incel arc.
FancyShark
Second sensual mouth in as many pages
jakesy, space whale hater
In ye old London Town, you have two choices: mouthwash, or MURDER
FancyShark
Listerine ads used to be more hardcore
gellaho
Well, he's got this redheaded stranger instead
FancyShark
Joey doesn't immediately take the bait? That's actually impressive
Brendan Reborn
Wizards: common enough to work flight traffic, rare enough to stun sullen young men.
Don't they drive cabs?
gellaho
I'd recognize that perfect gift anywhere
Brendan Reborn
"What has God done for you?"
"Gave me the sex drive of a porn character."
gellaho
I don't remember the hierarchy, but those are lesser magic people
Brendan Reborn
Adepts, you're right
FancyShark
This is how Cutco operates now
jakesy, space whale hater
How would you like…to become your own boss!!
gellaho
Time for your patented Simon Hawke big boy
FancyShark
Dr. Makepeace
Fuck yeah
jakesy, space whale hater
No idea how big his traps are
Brendan Reborn
Hey cool, Sebastian Gorka has a twin with no goatee in this mirror universe
gellaho
I'm pretty sure it's this guy
jakesy, space whale hater
Mediocre traps at best
gellaho
Morlocks, of course
jakesy, space whale hater
(((Morlocks)))
gellaho
Uh, suddenly the kraken
FancyShark
I'm imagining Makepeace's voice sounds like Ed Wynn, purely off of the cover art
Brendan Reborn
The Mel Gibson of Mages.
gellaho
Ah, pickpocket squid
FancyShark
Still hearing Ed Wynn
gellaho
There's your 300 lbs fairy
FancyShark
I had to look up his name. I'm not dropping this bit so easily
jakesy, space whale hater
Not like, some kind of gay fairy. Pssssssh
FancyShark
Some jokes are timeless
gellaho
Simon Hawke goes after The Mouse
gellaho
It's 1988, you're lucky another f word didn't come up
Brendan Reborn
Feels like in a world where fairies are real, this slang would not emerge.
gellaho
Magic wasn't revealed again until Merlin came back, which was fairly recent
FancyShark
Wasn't there an apocalypse? How would all that stuff be remembered?
jakesy, space whale hater
It should be well known by now that Hawke doesn't play by apocalypse rules
FancyShark
This is true
Brendan Reborn
He only ends the world to pretend it never left.
gellaho
Simon's telling on himself again
gellaho
And I couldn't care less
FancyShark
Dressing like a zombie is a good way to drive most creeps away. Unfortunately, the ones left over are real trouble
gellaho
What kind of person attacks a horny fairy?
jakesy, space whale hater
Eat shit, writers!
FancyShark
Gomez better show up and kick the crap out of him
Brendan Reborn
Meanwhile, Johnny and Billy are two English youths on the path to destruction.
gellaho
Listen up, cocksucker, I'm a goddamned motherfucking fairy
Brendan Reborn
Maybe the Omen kid from Psi-Man will show up.
How have these wizards NEVER heard of fairies?
They party with merlin every book
gellaho
It's very convenient in stories for your characters to just know things
FancyShark
Take notes, people that prefer logical storytelling
gellaho
Makepeace is having a great time
FancyShark
Modred?
Is that an alternate spelling or has the editor ignored it twice already?
gellaho
Editor?
FancyShark
Ah, point
gellaho
Meanwhile, Merlin is planning on giving this thirteen year old a penthouse
FancyShark
Oh, THAT kind of penthouse
gellaho
Taking control of a child's body while he sleeps? OK, Merlin
FancyShark
Why not just stay in the penthouse if you've already gotten it?
gellaho
Ah, this is one of the burned out buildings in Whitechapel. That makes more sense
gellaho
Billy the teenage cockney lord
FancyShark
Hold up, he mentioned screamers. Are they in every Hawke book?
Brendan Reborn
I'll allow it because it's a world of magic. suspension of disbelief holds up if it's in the premise...BUT we'd better get a why later.
gellaho
Apparently Billy does punk work with his modem. This is news to me
gellaho
Sick burn, Billy
Brendan Reborn
It's been Modred all book
FancyShark
I need to work on my attention to detail
So magic is real and powers computers, but they still have to translate a phone signal to a digital one
Brendan Reborn
wait wait wait screamers
Confirming this society rose up post-Steele.
gellaho
Merlin uses child labor
gellaho
Or it's full of exploding computers
FancyShark
I agree, Billy
Brendan Reborn
The idea of a PCB silked with magic symbols over its circuits is pretty cool.
gellaho
Things with Joey will not end well
gellaho
FancyShark
Oh goodie
gellaho
I don't think you're going to find Willie Nelson, Joey
Brendan Reborn
Joey's first blood orgasm
Lord Nigel Carfax the Car Fox
gellaho
Simon spends several pages talking about how hot this woman is
FancyShark
Simon's thirstier than usual
gellaho
It doesn't end up great for her
gellaho
But lip moistening is always welcome
FancyShark
I'm glad Simon took the time to describe how attractive she was before killing her
Brendan Reborn
Bosoms are always heaving.
It's weird, I feel like by the time a bust is a bosom it's snugly secured, but there it goes, heaving onto the bed.
gellaho
Nevermind that, CHIEF BLOOD
Brendan Reborn
Anyway, RIP lady we never met but who was worth several pages of description
gellaho
"I think you can disregard that case, son"
Brendan Reborn
Rip the Jacker, I'm a cover-killer.
Magic is real, reincarnation is real, fairies are real, slow-aging wizards are real
But nah, this can't be the same killer.
gellaho
The reincarnation thing is limited to Old Ones, I believe
so people probably wouldn't be familiar with that
Brendan Reborn
Obscure serial killer...sorry, was it Hack the Ripper? Jack the Hacker?
FancyShark
Constable Shavers, talking about Fleet Street, because Hawke is as subtle as a molotov cocktail
gellaho
Blood is very insistent that this story is plausible
gellaho
Subtlety is for the weak
FancyShark
Who would possibly expect a section of London that has a bloody history and was abandoned by the advancements of civilization would give rise to murders?
gellaho
The Character Description Book
gellaho
gellaho
Oh, good, now I'm going to be thinking about brown trucks all book
gellaho
Michael Blood and Billy Slade
FancyShark
How dare they call him after a Rob Liefield book
Brendan Reborn
Billy Slade: Silly Blade for hire
gellaho
I'm surprised Hawke still had any blood in his brain from having an erection this whole time
FancyShark
Jesus, Hawke. There are other types of women
Brendan Reborn
I hate that other than goth girls who look like Gaiman's Death, Hawke and I have all the same tastes in women.
gellaho
Simon Hawke speaks for us all
Brendan Reborn
I like 'em strong, I don't apologize.
gellaho
Here he muses on magic transportation
Brendan Reborn
Just uses horses and the wind, people.
Aviation would be a rich privilege. Everyone else would take schooners.
gellaho
I know what that's like, Wyrdrune. I have to use the emergency exit row
FancyShark
Adepts really seem like more trouble than they're worth
OK, I guess I need to look up what tatterdemalion means if he's going to use it all the time
FancyShark
1 : ragged or disreputable in appearance. 2 : being in a decayed state or condition : dilapidated.
Brendan Reborn
it's like a guttersnipe on vacation
gellaho
Ragged seems easier
gellaho
Or tattered, considering that's the beginning of the word
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Ooh, look at the big shot, thesaurus-owning author over here
FancyShark
Blood's lucky Jack the Ripper is around or he'd need therapy
gellaho
Oh, fuck yes. "It's a blade dance all the way?" Hell yeah
gellaho
gellaho
Simon, you are far too kind
jakesy, space whale hater
Hahaha he's doing the “what does it mean to be human” thing again
Never change, Simon
gellaho
Michael Blood, easily frightened by the phone
FancyShark
"Hi, this is Jack the Ripper. I'm at the police station and waiting to be arrested."
gellaho
Andrew Lloyd Blood, writer of Phantom of the Blood Bank and Leeches
gellaho
shit, Bats was a better joke
Brendan Reborn
I thought this was pretty good till he wandered off the metaphor.
FancyShark
Excuse me. One does not "learn" to become a shark
gellaho
Yeeessssss
jakesy, space whale hater
“It's a blade dance all the way” is for sure my new catch phrase
Brendan Reborn
Lord Wanking Bumkisser Earl of Carfax
gellaho
Joey is a master of subtlety
FancyShark
Jack forgot to explain "low profile"
gellaho
California Man in 1969: "Can't you tell, I'm the Zodiac!"
gellaho
Simon's understanding of the stock market leaves something to be desired
FancyShark
"It's all bells and whistles. And then you have money."
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm, no. Nah
FancyShark
uh oh
Simon, this is where you need to reel it in
gellaho
Well, good news, Terri is still alive
Ramb$ne Gracie
Kidskin
gellaho
Wow, Simon is horned up
jakesy, space whale hater
Oh no Simon pull up! Pull up!
FancyShark
Or stop pulling! Walk away!
Seriously, this is making the horniness of the Psychodrome cat-people look like Quakers
jakesy, space whale hater
. . .
gellaho
Meanwhile, Kira and Wyrdrune are also in this book
Brendan Reborn
"Always bet on black."
This is some Hellfire Club shit.
gellaho
It's weird that Wyrdrune keeps calling Kira kid. I think they are the same age
jakesy, space whale hater
Maybe he's from medieval Boston?
FancyShark
It causes some gross implications
FancyShark
Aw, fuckin' A
Brendan Reborn
Joey was sulking in crime alley a week ago.
gellaho
MEANWHILE
Brendan Reborn
Hawke really coming back to life after the divorce that led him to write STEELE.
You're never completely naked when you're wearing a ballgag.
gellaho
We are off the lip charts
FancyShark
LIIIIIIIIIIIPS
gellaho
Steele's still two years off. And presumably 5 books away
jakesy, space whale hater
Lol she stood still, yet her tits were still bouncy
Were they magic tits?
Brendan Reborn
"Her sufficient breasts imperceptibly quivered without significant weight."
gellaho
I'm sure this ended well
FancyShark
Did Hawke have an affair? Is that what killed his marriage? Was this written when it started?
Brendan Reborn
Djonin, is this how it works?
jakesy, space whale hater
Also you need to say this in the Joe Pesci voice
FancyShark
Were dey majick tits?
Brendan Reborn
Wuhh dey MAJ-ictits?
gellaho
Modred has spent his time killing rats
FancyShark
hahaha, holy shit. He killed enough to make a bed
jakesy, space whale hater
gellaho
A visit from Jack
jakesy, space whale hater
Gotta level up somehow
FancyShark
Beau Brummel?
gellaho
Simon innovating new ways to moisten lips
gellaho
Fuck if I know
jakesy, space whale hater
Hahahaha
A true lip genius
FancyShark
"That's not a name."
Brendan Reborn
We live in a world without Jack the Ripper but everyone knows Beau Brummel.
gellaho
Cyclops
FancyShark
Is that a real person?
gellaho
*A true genius
FancyShark
Modred going all Tony Stark
gellaho
MEANWHILE: SNACKING
Brendan Reborn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beau_Brummell
gellaho
That's some neck on that dude
Brendan Reborn
Punchable.
FancyShark
Wyrdrune thought it odd that ALL AMERICAN FOOD didn't serve British cuisine
gellaho
Metal
jakesy, space whale hater
FancyShark
It goes without saying that Kira's going to end up in fetish gear at the incel guy's house, right?
gellaho
Wyrdrune teleports to get a paper
gellaho
You know, Simon Hawke excels at this 1980's boob comedy buffoonery
Really should have written some
FancyShark
Nah, that'd never get published
gellaho
This is genius
gellaho
What's weird to me is that he didn't go this route with his comedy books
FancyShark
hahaha
Yeah, he can clearly do slapstick. What the fuck was Reluctant Sorceror?
gellaho
I don't know
This works
jakesy, space whale hater
The short order cook turned to face the camera. “It's a livin!” He shrugged
gellaho
This is why Jagged Steele was so good
FancyShark
All that's missing is a saloon piano player
Brendan Reborn
Wyrdrune can teleport but takes planes?
FancyShark
Teleporting is tricky
gellaho
Oh, I love it
jakesy, space whale hater
Look, it's the apocalypse. Anything can happen
gellaho
I think the energy it takes is proportional to how far you go
Simon Hawke: Master of Tonal Transitions
FancyShark
He's even got the snappy dialogue working. Reluctant Sorceror was a catalogue of encyclopedia entries and shitty puns. WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, SIMON HAWKE!
Goddammit, even the werewolf murder investigation is good
THIS BOOK IS GOOD AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY
gellaho
He can do goofy, I don't know why he attempted clever
jakesy, space whale hater
All Hawke is good
Except the one rapey Steele
gellaho
The one?
jakesy, space whale hater
And even that gave us the Voice of Doom
gellaho
There were two
jakesy, space whale hater
Cold Steele had to be the worst though
Milan Steele doesn't count
gellaho
No, no, Killer Steele was
That was the one with his daughter
jakesy, space whale hater
Ah yes
FancyShark
Yeah, that excerpt you guys shared was...I don't want that
gellaho
Anyway, dead brother
FancyShark
See, it's funny he's talking about discipline because the werewolf was a dominatrix
That's called dramatic irony
Subtext
gellaho
Hyphen-Smythe
FancyShark
These names!
More, Simon!
Ramb$ne Gracie
I see what you did there.
FancyShark
A man has been brutally eviscerated. Round up the usual sex pests.
jakesy, space whale hater
I do love the guy named Blood though
My book is now going to feature a similar cop character, John Gun
FancyShark
It's a ridiculous name and it works so well
And he's an interesting character!
gellaho
This comedy is so much better than it was several years later
FancyShark
What happened in that divorce, Simon?
gellaho
I want more boobery, Hawke
Brendan Reborn
Wife left him for a gay etch-a-sketch
gellaho
Upbraiding?
FancyShark
Hawke's loving his thesaurus
I hope that reporter just yelled "Blood!" and no one paid attention
gellaho
I'm glad he's sticking with Hyphen-Smythe
jakesy, space whale hater
He walked out to the throng of reporters and addressed them. “Whoever this killer is, there's about to be 🤏😎🤏 Blood on their tracks”
gellaho
Sticking with tatterdemalion I see
FancyShark
"This killer's gonna wish he hadn't gotten 🤏 😎 🤏 Blood on the streets"
jakesy, space whale hater
Blood gape is a bad turn of phrase
FancyShark
So Merlin's just been sitting there waiting for Blood to listen to him?
gellaho
Everyone bumbles into the police office
Brendan Reborn
He's Pratchetting again
FancyShark
Do Billy and Kira know each other?
gellaho
Merlin does
Brendan Reborn
Merlin knows everyone
FancyShark
oh right
gellaho
Blood takes some time to question the reality
FancyShark
Bold to wait this long to explain what readers of the first book know
gellaho
Oh, the 80s and travel
FancyShark
Um, guys? The murders?
No, you're right. Lecturing on IDs
gellaho
Merlin teleports everyone to his penthouse
FancyShark
Seems like you could have done that sooner to get Blood to listen to you, but go ahead Merlin. You do you
gellaho
"I had many bastard charlatans, Wyrdrune"
FancyShark
Casually tossing out names cuz why not
Brendan Reborn
Blood's taking these people who want to help him catch his brother's killer pretty by-the-book.
FancyShark
"Sure. Ancient demon-spawn sorceror. Heard it all before."
gellaho
Makepeace makes Blood get drunk
FancyShark
For the record: still hearing Ed Wynn
Brendan Reborn
"Wyrdryne! You're not gonna go Turbo, are you?"
gellaho
Billy's back, and incomprehensible
FancyShark
Billy drinks like a noir detective
Brendan Reborn
Billy had to grow up fast on the mean streets of Gutterton.
Malion St. is unkind to innocents
FancyShark
Fagin was so proud of him
gellaho
Simon Hawke was ahead of the game on making fun of pickup artists
FancyShark
I'm okay with this guy getting disemboweled by a werewolf
gellaho
I'm sure Roger's making it out of this alive
gellaho
Lips say nay
FancyShark
It's weird that we're getting men murdered after being seduced by beautiful women after Joey killed a woman and said she'd never tempt any man again
Brendan Reborn
Joey has no itinerary.
gellaho
Terri's got some issues
FancyShark
ohhh, okay. So Jack the Ripper is a murder genie awakening people's bloodlusts
And no one caught him for the Whitechapel murders because it was multiple people
Right, Simon?
gellaho
She secretly visits Modred
FancyShark
Women be loving their jewelry
gellaho
I'm pretty sure he's one of the Dark Ones released at the end of the last book
FancyShark
That would make more sense
Brendan Reborn
Roger's really bad at identifying the working girls.
gellaho
She leaves just as Modred takes some of her life essence, rude
FancyShark
Tough luck, Modred. I've had that happen plenty too
Just gotta get up, dust yourself off and-
oh right, the chains
gellaho
Stephie with the legs
FancyShark
In the magic future, streetwalking is still the best method for this
gellaho
Life before the int must have been hard
FancyShark
Vice cops love doing this for fun
gellaho
This sting operation does not go well
Brendan Reborn
Nothing a woman cop trying to break through the macho gatekeeping loves more than doing a turn for the men making her dress up like a hooker.
(that was supposed to be in reply to Shark)
FancyShark
"CUTCO OFFERS FREE SHARPENING FOR LIFE!"
gellaho
Meanwhile: blood hangover
gellaho
Simon was on one's, dude
gellaho
Really on one
FancyShark
I'm going to need a cold shower after this book
gellaho
Tone it down Simon
FancyShark
Did they all fuck last night?
Did Blood sleep through an orgy?
gellaho
Meanwhile: British names
FancyShark
"Blind Walter Higginsby, Jeremy John Jamesonshire, the Earl of Ipswich, Eastwick and Shropshire, and Irish Bastard Timothy"
gellaho
The Blood family has a lot going on
gellaho
FancyShark
Lot to unpack there
I'm docking you points, Simon, for the crack at feminists. But I'm giving those points back for the drag queen angle.
Brendan Reborn
Having your first threesome with the Maiden & Mother of the weird sisters the night after you sketched your brother's mutilated corpse. #BloodLyfe
gellaho
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
gellaho
Somebody check Urban Dictionary for what it is when you and your son get sexually murdered by the same woman
FancyShark
I think that's a "Last Crusade"
gellaho
I think it's an Inverse Last Crusade
Brendan Reborn
That reads like it's Michael's thought though.
Llewellyn! Good heavens, a Welsh under THIS roof?
gellaho
I guess technobabble works when you are talking about magic computers
FancyShark
There's no "cover hacking evidence" spell?
gellaho
Oh, looks like Royce might still have a chance
FancyShark
C'mon, Blood. You're a cop. If this was Chicago, you'd have the evidence fabricated already
Brendan Reborn
Popular culture has taught me to be instantly suspicious of any woman trying to seduce me.
gellaho
He done did it
FancyShark
Impotence: It Can Save Your Life
gellaho
Hello, font change
gellaho
Hey there Westminster
Brendan Reborn
We could honestly be 60 pages in, I have no idea.
FancyShark
Even the font is British
gellaho
153
God, I am not in the head space to parse these font changes
gellaho
Borrowing a phrase, I blame endless fairy scotch
FancyShark
Are we going to manage to finish this book in one read?
gellaho
@FancyShark you wanted conservatively dressed? Here's magic conservatively dressed
FancyShark
Ahhh, finally. I feel grounded now. Thanks!
gellaho
ideally
Brendan Reborn
A change, which had come over him, seemed to come over him.
I am going to go eat a sandwich.
gellaho
I don't know what BOT means, they just kind of started saying it
FancyShark
Bureau of something Thaumateurgy
gellaho
Remove something
jakesy, space whale hater
Honestly, probably just Bureau Of Thaumaturgy
FancyShark
hahaha, right on
jakesy, space whale hater
Is someone going to submit a Carfax report?
gellaho
I'm sure it's good for a thirteen year old to smoke, right?
Lump of Hog Piss Mo
I mean, I haven't been fired as a babysitter or uncle yet
FancyShark
Crunchy lungs are healthy lungs
gellaho
Oh, Simon, you know me better than I know myself
gellaho
Blacmange
FancyShark
I thought blacmange were supposed to be good?
gellaho
Why are all these books so French
FancyShark
You don't know what a melee is? Really?
You'd think a cop would know the terms for "loosely controlled brawling"
gellaho
Joey/Jack turned into a snake earlier. I guess that was literal
gellaho
Science!
FancyShark
Weird punishment
An American Werewolf In The Can
gellaho
There's a theme in the women's clothing
gellaho
gellaho
But I can't put my finger on it
gellaho
She's going for revenge, I guess
Lord Carfax has used his horny ray
FancyShark
Lord Carfax likes to watch
gellaho
MOISTEN THE LIPS
FancyShark
Bring the woman that was repeatedly victimized in the last book and the oddly-attractive 13 year old boy to the psycho's rape orgy. Great plan.
gellaho
I don't think I've ever seen one of these chapter breaks happen so soon
FancyShark
I'm confused how her dress got there
Didn't she leave the room it was in when she turned into a wolf?
Is this the part where Joey/Nigel explains everything to the Hardys?
jakesy, space whale hater
Is this the horniest we've ever seen Hawke?
FancyShark
I think so
Definitely the horniest I've seen him. I wasn't there for the Steele books
gellaho
Blood remains incredulous
FancyShark
Blood, what are you even doing with your day?
gellaho
Wyrdrune thinks Merlin should have complete control over this thirteen year old
FancyShark
There's a conversation you don't want to have
Dead wizard or street urchin
gellaho
Royce is having a hard time with all this sexy
gellaho
A real hard time
FancyShark
"Who's too good for community college now, Dad?"
gellaho
Probably should have been faster
FancyShark
Carfax really can't stand a prude, can he?
gellaho
A real blood bath that our protagonists are not at all involved in
gellaho
FancyShark
Combat crouch!
ANGRY OLD MAN!
It's still funny that all of the magic in the world gets whupped by a gun
gellaho
Things don't work out for ol Joey
FancyShark
And so he leaves the world as he entered it: screaming and covered in someone else's fluids
gellaho
Thus an unnecessarily complicated plot resolves
FancyShark
"We are truly heroes."
gellaho
And we end with a thirteen year old telling an old man to fuck himself
FancyShark
Group laugh!
gellaho
I have some notes, Coalition for Literacy
FancyShark
Sure wish I could read so I could know what that says
Hey! I was wrong! Kira didn't get put in a fetish outfit! Cool!
gellaho
We have defeated The Wizard of Whitechapel
FancyShark
Great work, @gellaho ! Great riffing, everyone!
Thanks for reading this!
This one was actually pretty damn good
Brendan Reborn
Aw I was so close to catching up.
FancyShark
The siren song of the sandwich demands a heavy price
Brendan Reborn
I am just so confused which of our three bloods gets shot here.
gellaho
Ian, I guess
Royce and Mike make it out
FancyShark
Ian died twice
gellaho
Yeah, I wanted to finish this one tonight. I've noticed these books tend to try and quickly wrap up the plot in the last 50 pages, and that's where they become uninteresting for this exercise
Brendan Reborn
Boy, they did not factor in the internet.
gellaho
But, if you actually wanted to read any of these books, this is a good'un
gellaho
I guess it would be hard to in 1988
Brendan Reborn
US News seems irresponsible to project logarithmic illiteracy growth.
FancyShark
Thanks again for doing this, gellaho. This not only was a good read but it makes his comedy series that much more baffling
Brendan Reborn
In 1991 we got AOL and Compuserve, so we were always safe.
gellaho
Anyway, today's Book Cage complete
Brendan Reborn
Why did Terri turn on Joey?
@gellaho you fortitudinous tour guide.
FancyShark
Joey tried to kill her after she failed to kill Royce
gellaho
that's essentially it
FancyShark
He turned into a giant snake and tried to poison her and crush her at the same time
