300 pound fairy!
Now that I've gotten your attention, the Simon Hawke attack is back! This time, he's adding all sorts of kooky characters to the mix with Kira and Wyrdrune. How many rock concerts will Wyrdrune burn down in this adventure? How French is the shady French witch? And what ancient magicks will Billy Slade, 13 year old English punk, have access to? We will find out all this and more, this Friday, 5pm eastern, as we read The Wizard of Whitechapel.
oh no
@Brockway pin this, or meet a similar octopus-related fate as poor Wyrdrune on the cover.
Is this really the first book we've done that has Jack the Ripper? Because I guarantee that's who they're talking about in that blurb on the front cover
also because Whitechapel. Dammit, I never spot the obvious
Probably, I'm going in blind
I ain't afraid of no 'pus
Under an hour until The Wizard of Whitechapel. It will be shown in glorious squiggle vision
Here's the preview
I think The Wizard of Whitechapel was the working title for From Hell
Rippers Demand Higher Pay!
These are some clunky names
Are all of the books in this series "The Wizard of _" ?
Will we go to Oz?
Mostly. Except for The Samurai Wizard and The Last Wizard
Samurai Wizard? Fuck yes
I'm sure that won't have anything problematic
The Wizard of White Chapel is a good name for a Jack the Ripper musical
It's pretty fuckin sweet
God damn
I hate it when my tattoos do that
Hell yeah
"The land of the setting sun" - masterful!
Gottem! - Simon Hawke
Hawko paints such a glorious pantomime with his canvas - words!
That dragon is so psyched to be out of that chest tattoo
It's an album cover quality picture
That's for the part of the song where the singer's voice splits into backup and lead vocals
Turn around 🐉 EVERY NOW AND THEN I FALL APART!
Fill my eyes 🐉 WITH THAT DOUBLE-VISION!
I heard that 🐉 did the metal cover of Dickstab Alley
We have a little while to wait for that
Something to look forward to though
For now, time for Wizard of Whitechapel
Time for some Ripping!
We begin with who I presume is Mordred
He's not conservatively dressed? I'm already lost
Hawke getting a little thirsty near the end here
Mordred dressed like a hipster before it was cool
Technically, every hipster has
Mordred sensually rubs his ruby
Better have a 32 inch waist and 50 inch lats
We should be grateful the ruby didn't hit Mordred in the junk
Mordred responds appropriately to not getting his drink order
Oh, also the frightening skull apparition
Priorities, okay?
TactiCool wizard gear
The sad thing is that the hell wraith was really starting to make something of itself
Hell yeah, metal
Simon knows which words to italicize
I don't remember Ghost Rider having this power, but I haven't read all the comics
RIP booze
"Well, at least the Rolling Stones won't do this kind of damage."
Nows a good time to remind you that Drizly™️ can replace that bottle in 2 hours or less!
I bet it costs a fortune though!
Jesus, I didn't know this was a horror book, Simon
Hold on, Simon. You're really pushing it if you expect us to believe someone would laugh at a mime
Get fucked, mime!
Then it rained and he died
Hahaha eat shit clown
Simon's got a type
I can't fault him for it
LET'S GET IT ON
Hi Brendan!
You missed Mordred getting sent to hell or somewhere by a blue fire tornado in his hotel room
And Wyrdrune trapped a mime in an invisible box
He's got Van Guy body under an iROC Guy head
I hope you are ready for the greatest paragraph ever written
hell yeah, do it
Land squid! Whooshboard! Rapper box!
Kira sloppily eats a hotdog
Were he not blond, this would plainly be Vandal Savage.
I have no notes, Simon
A fun relationship based on buffoonery and violence
daww, the red flags are so adorable!
The Yiddish broom is back
dammit
It helps if you imagine the broom's lines read by Andy Kindler
Goes back for a second description on Kira
Confession: I mostly use Drizly to source the nearest stores, then order directly from the stores.
Everybody wins. Eliminate the middleman, save $20, shop keeps all the profit.
Plus it's the best local-price comparison tool on a bottle.
Hawke's description also leaves nothing to the imagination
Get bent, you guys--mime (mimicry? miming?) is an amazing art.
softly, outside the door my name is Kira and I'm here to say/ our relationship is dysfunctional in a major way
I am dubious
There's the Simon we know and love
In a world of witches, mimes are the ones who don't float.
The gems give them a hive mind. Also, liiiips
I know just from this abstract it's Washington Square.
Like it could be Bethesda Fountain, but it ain't.
Kira turns into the Hulk
Hi Shark!
Mordred is having a great time
She very strong
They looked at each other.
"Gyros?"
"Gyros."
Except they each pronounced it differently
Introducing Billy Slade, teen punk of ambiguous race
A) The broom has hands? B) I just didn't expect a broom to be judgmental, feels like it would be more supportive of her independence.
Hawke couldn't decide on ethnicity so he checked all the boxes
@Brendan Reborn SLADE
Slade?
Putting some mustard on this description
tatterdemalion
But no bra.
It's a mystery, cloaked in Blacke
I think Hawke saw The Crying Game and wanted to describe that actor
The timeline doesn't quite work out for that
This is such a pleasing turn.
huh. Then I guess Simon's got another type
He's also thirteen, so don't say that
oop
He's also possessed by Merlin
His "do"
Billy Slade, St. Mark's guttersnipe.
Billy starts kicking balls
Here's what I was going to write: Okay I'm caught up now.
Here's what I am writing instead: Holy shit, he actually called him a guttersnhipe.
Like I know I said it after, but I was only up to the insufferably pretty page.
Ghost magic
Hawke's in your mind, man
Hahaha, Billy's fighting Bill Sykes.
The weirdest part is the gang leader is Swedish
Oy, ima kick your arse innit
Also are the ribs also stored in the balls?
Izzit too much'a ask yew gobs teh kick 'is goolies back?
If you kick 'em hard enough, the balls visit the ribs
We're going to be doing the guvna accent the whole time, are we
Wot, ere guvnah, is you yobs mental ven
I hope Slade has a conversation with someone with a thick Irish or Scottish accent and the whole page is unintelligible
AYPER-WOT
What the fuck even is that
Don't get your cock up, guv
I can't even think of what word Merlin interrupted
God dammit
I'm stealing this
...cherry?
That could work. I think?
I'm liking this exposition via idiot
We need to find a British guttersnipe and ask them what's Cockney rhyming slang for that good stuff.
"A golden berry. Like Gary. Gary Busey. Gary PUSEY."
Luckily for us, all Brits are guttersnipes
Billy is very interested in Merlin fucking
USA! 4 O Clock!
Billy is a father of six
I don't even talk to a British person unless they're missing half their teeth and on a ship carrying tea.
Everyone else is just a late-imperialist crustpunk stooge.
INCLUDING YOU, THE QUEEN.
This kid is so cool for 13 I think he's prematurely lame for 25.
Turns out that fucking was very plot relevant
Blimey
There he is
Jack needs to wrap this up quick. He's due to appear in the Holodeck in a few hours.
Seems weird to me that part of London would be completely abandoned in this magic world, but sure
So in the future, firefighters seem pretty chill
Or negligent
Meet Joey Lyman: ugly and dumb
Hi, Joey!
How disappointing to be 13, full of the memories of medieval sex, and then you find out it's your grandfather.
He'd go on to found some FREAKY websites
Joey horny and too... everything to actually get any
Medusa was beautiful though.
Joey, Incel Template
Spider with Parkinson's is unreal imagery
How old is Joey?
He sounds too young to have money for whores.
Twenty two
Joey is getting Jack the Ripper as a buddy
Redhead check
I guess Joey was born to Igor
I guess Jack the Ripper has magic powers
I feel like 80% of Joey's problems would go away if he'd just gotten a hygiene mentor instead of a murder one.
So yeah: Reddit incel arc.
Second sensual mouth in as many pages
In ye old London Town, you have two choices: mouthwash, or MURDER
Listerine ads used to be more hardcore
Well, he's got this redheaded stranger instead
Joey doesn't immediately take the bait? That's actually impressive
Wizards: common enough to work flight traffic, rare enough to stun sullen young men.
Don't they drive cabs?
I'd recognize that perfect gift anywhere
"What has God done for you?"
"Gave me the sex drive of a porn character."
I don't remember the hierarchy, but those are lesser magic people
Adepts, you're right
This is how Cutco operates now
How would you like…to become your own boss!!
Time for your patented Simon Hawke big boy
Dr. Makepeace
Fuck yeah
No idea how big his traps are
Hey cool, Sebastian Gorka has a twin with no goatee in this mirror universe
I'm pretty sure it's this guy
Mediocre traps at best
Morlocks, of course
(((Morlocks)))
Uh, suddenly the kraken
I'm imagining Makepeace's voice sounds like Ed Wynn, purely off of the cover art
The Mel Gibson of Mages.
Ah, pickpocket squid
Still hearing Ed Wynn
There's your 300 lbs fairy
I had to look up his name. I'm not dropping this bit so easily
Not like, some kind of gay fairy. Pssssssh
Some jokes are timeless
Simon Hawke goes after The Mouse
It's 1988, you're lucky another f word didn't come up
Feels like in a world where fairies are real, this slang would not emerge.
Magic wasn't revealed again until Merlin came back, which was fairly recent
Wasn't there an apocalypse? How would all that stuff be remembered?
It should be well known by now that Hawke doesn't play by apocalypse rules
This is true
He only ends the world to pretend it never left.
Simon's telling on himself again
And I couldn't care less
Dressing like a zombie is a good way to drive most creeps away. Unfortunately, the ones left over are real trouble
What kind of person attacks a horny fairy?
Eat shit, writers!
Gomez better show up and kick the crap out of him
Meanwhile, Johnny and Billy are two English youths on the path to destruction.
Listen up, cocksucker, I'm a goddamned motherfucking fairy
Maybe the Omen kid from Psi-Man will show up.
How have these wizards NEVER heard of fairies?
They party with merlin every book
It's very convenient in stories for your characters to just know things
Take notes, people that prefer logical storytelling
Makepeace is having a great time
Modred?
Is that an alternate spelling or has the editor ignored it twice already?
Editor?
Ah, point
Meanwhile, Merlin is planning on giving this thirteen year old a penthouse
Oh, THAT kind of penthouse
Taking control of a child's body while he sleeps? OK, Merlin
Why not just stay in the penthouse if you've already gotten it?
Ah, this is one of the burned out buildings in Whitechapel. That makes more sense
Billy the teenage cockney lord
Hold up, he mentioned screamers. Are they in every Hawke book?
I'll allow it because it's a world of magic. suspension of disbelief holds up if it's in the premise...BUT we'd better get a why later.
Apparently Billy does punk work with his modem. This is news to me
Sick burn, Billy
It's been Modred all book
I need to work on my attention to detail
So magic is real and powers computers, but they still have to translate a phone signal to a digital one
wait wait wait screamers
Confirming this society rose up post-Steele.
Merlin uses child labor
Or it's full of exploding computers
I agree, Billy
The idea of a PCB silked with magic symbols over its circuits is pretty cool.
Things with Joey will not end well
Oh goodie
I don't think you're going to find Willie Nelson, Joey
Joey's first blood orgasm
Lord Nigel Carfax the Car Fox
Simon spends several pages talking about how hot this woman is
Simon's thirstier than usual
It doesn't end up great for her
But lip moistening is always welcome
I'm glad Simon took the time to describe how attractive she was before killing her
Bosoms are always heaving.
It's weird, I feel like by the time a bust is a bosom it's snugly secured, but there it goes, heaving onto the bed.
Nevermind that, CHIEF BLOOD
Anyway, RIP lady we never met but who was worth several pages of description
"I think you can disregard that case, son"
Rip the Jacker, I'm a cover-killer.
Magic is real, reincarnation is real, fairies are real, slow-aging wizards are real
But nah, this can't be the same killer.
The reincarnation thing is limited to Old Ones, I believe
so people probably wouldn't be familiar with that
Obscure serial killer...sorry, was it Hack the Ripper? Jack the Hacker?
Constable Shavers, talking about Fleet Street, because Hawke is as subtle as a molotov cocktail
Blood is very insistent that this story is plausible
Subtlety is for the weak
Who would possibly expect a section of London that has a bloody history and was abandoned by the advancements of civilization would give rise to murders?
The Character Description Book
Oh, good, now I'm going to be thinking about brown trucks all book
