gellaho
Michael Blood and Billy Slade
54: The Wizard of Whitechapel Simon Hawke
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Now Wyrdrune must save the most famous spell-master of all time-and stop its most infamous killer.
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FancyShark
How dare they call him after a Rob Liefield book
Brendan Reborn
Billy Slade: Silly Blade for hire
gellaho
I'm surprised Hawke still had any blood in his brain from having an erection this whole time
FancyShark
Jesus, Hawke. There are other types of women
Brendan Reborn
I hate that other than goth girls who look like Gaiman's Death, Hawke and I have all the same tastes in women.
gellaho
Simon Hawke speaks for us all
Brendan Reborn
I like 'em strong, I don't apologize.
gellaho
Here he muses on magic transportation
Brendan Reborn
Just uses horses and the wind, people.
Aviation would be a rich privilege. Everyone else would take schooners.
gellaho
I know what that's like, Wyrdrune. I have to use the emergency exit row
FancyShark
Adepts really seem like more trouble than they're worth
gellaho
"Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Mike, Michael, Mike, Mikey, Michael"
Brendan Reborn
Seems like this system could be optimized
Brendan Reborn
Mickey, Mick
gellaho
OK, I guess I need to look up what tatterdemalion means if he's going to use it all the time
FancyShark
1 : ragged or disreputable in appearance. 2 : being in a decayed state or condition : dilapidated.
Brendan Reborn
it's like a guttersnipe on vacation
gellaho
Ragged seems easier
gellaho
Or tattered, considering that's the beginning of the word
GDC and a bucket of shuriken
Ooh, look at the big shot, thesaurus-owning author over here
FancyShark
Blood's lucky Jack the Ripper is around or he'd need therapy
gellaho
Oh, fuck yes. "It's a blade dance all the way?" Hell yeah
gellaho
gellaho
Simon, you are far too kind
jakesy, space whale hater
Hahaha he's doing the “what does it mean to be human” thing again
Never change, Simon
gellaho
Michael Blood, easily frightened by the phone
FancyShark
"Hi, this is Jack the Ripper. I'm at the police station and waiting to be arrested."
gellaho
Andrew Lloyd Blood, writer of Phantom of the Blood Bank and Leeches
gellaho
shit, Bats was a better joke
Brendan Reborn
I thought this was pretty good till he wandered off the metaphor.
FancyShark
Excuse me. One does not "learn" to become a shark
gellaho
Yeeessssss
jakesy, space whale hater
“It's a blade dance all the way” is for sure my new catch phrase
Brendan Reborn
Lord Wanking Bumkisser Earl of Carfax
gellaho
Joey is a master of subtlety
FancyShark
Jack forgot to explain "low profile"
gellaho
California Man in 1969: "Can't you tell, I'm the Zodiac!"
gellaho
Simon's understanding of the stock market leaves something to be desired
FancyShark
"It's all bells and whistles. And then you have money."
gellaho
Hmmmmmmm, no. Nah
FancyShark
uh oh
Simon, this is where you need to reel it in
gellaho
Well, good news, Terri is still alive
Ramb$ne Gracie
Kidskin
gellaho
Wow, Simon is horned up
jakesy, space whale hater
Oh no Simon pull up! Pull up!
FancyShark
Or stop pulling! Walk away!
Seriously, this is making the horniness of the Psychodrome cat-people look like Quakers
jakesy, space whale hater
. . .
gellaho
Meanwhile, Kira and Wyrdrune are also in this book
Brendan Reborn
"Always bet on black."
This is some Hellfire Club shit.
gellaho
It's weird that Wyrdrune keeps calling Kira kid. I think they are the same age
jakesy, space whale hater
Maybe he's from medieval Boston?
FancyShark
It causes some gross implications
FancyShark
Aw, fuckin' A
Brendan Reborn
Joey was sulking in crime alley a week ago.
gellaho
MEANWHILE
Brendan Reborn
Hawke really coming back to life after the divorce that led him to write STEELE.
You're never completely naked when you're wearing a ballgag.
gellaho
We are off the lip charts
FancyShark
LIIIIIIIIIIIPS
gellaho
Steele's still two years off. And presumably 5 books away
jakesy, space whale hater
Lol she stood still, yet her tits were still bouncy
Were they magic tits?
Brendan Reborn
"Her sufficient breasts imperceptibly quivered without significant weight."
gellaho
I'm sure this ended well
FancyShark
Did Hawke have an affair? Is that what killed his marriage? Was this written when it started?
Brendan Reborn
Djonin, is this how it works?
jakesy, space whale hater
Also you need to say this in the Joe Pesci voice
FancyShark
Were dey majick tits?
Brendan Reborn
Wuhh dey MAJ-ictits?
gellaho
Modred has spent his time killing rats
FancyShark
hahaha, holy shit. He killed enough to make a bed
jakesy, space whale hater
gellaho
A visit from Jack
jakesy, space whale hater
Gotta level up somehow
FancyShark
Beau Brummel?
gellaho
Simon innovating new ways to moisten lips
gellaho
Fuck if I know
jakesy, space whale hater
Hahahaha
A true lip genius
FancyShark
"That's not a name."
Brendan Reborn
We live in a world without Jack the Ripper but everyone knows Beau Brummel.
gellaho
Cyclops
FancyShark
Is that a real person?
gellaho
*A true genius
FancyShark
Modred going all Tony Stark
gellaho
MEANWHILE: SNACKING
Brendan Reborn
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Beau_Brummell
gellaho
That's some neck on that dude
Brendan Reborn
Punchable.
FancyShark
Wyrdrune thought it odd that ALL AMERICAN FOOD didn't serve British cuisine
gellaho
Metal
jakesy, space whale hater
FancyShark
It goes without saying that Kira's going to end up in fetish gear at the incel guy's house, right?
gellaho
Wyrdrune teleports to get a paper
gellaho
You know, Simon Hawke excels at this 1980's boob comedy buffoonery
Really should have written some
FancyShark
Nah, that'd never get published
gellaho
This is genius
gellaho
What's weird to me is that he didn't go this route with his comedy books
FancyShark
hahaha
Yeah, he can clearly do slapstick. What the fuck was Reluctant Sorceror?
gellaho
I don't know
This works
jakesy, space whale hater
The short order cook turned to face the camera. “It's a livin!” He shrugged
gellaho
This is why Jagged Steele was so good
FancyShark
All that's missing is a saloon piano player
Brendan Reborn
Wyrdrune can teleport but takes planes?
FancyShark
Teleporting is tricky
gellaho
Oh, I love it
jakesy, space whale hater
Look, it's the apocalypse. Anything can happen
gellaho
I think the energy it takes is proportional to how far you go
Simon Hawke: Master of Tonal Transitions
FancyShark
He's even got the snappy dialogue working. Reluctant Sorceror was a catalogue of encyclopedia entries and shitty puns. WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING AT, SIMON HAWKE!
Goddammit, even the werewolf murder investigation is good
THIS BOOK IS GOOD AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY
gellaho
He can do goofy, I don't know why he attempted clever
jakesy, space whale hater
All Hawke is good
Except the one rapey Steele
gellaho
The one?
jakesy, space whale hater
And even that gave us the Voice of Doom
gellaho
There were two
jakesy, space whale hater
Cold Steele had to be the worst though
Milan Steele doesn't count
gellaho
No, no, Killer Steele was
That was the one with his daughter
jakesy, space whale hater
Ah yes
FancyShark
Yeah, that excerpt you guys shared was...I don't want that
gellaho
Anyway, dead brother
FancyShark
See, it's funny he's talking about discipline because the werewolf was a dominatrix
That's called dramatic irony
Subtext
gellaho
Hyphen-Smythe
FancyShark
These names!
More, Simon!
Ramb$ne Gracie
I see what you did there.
FancyShark
A man has been brutally eviscerated. Round up the usual sex pests.
jakesy, space whale hater
I do love the guy named Blood though
My book is now going to feature a similar cop character, John Gun
FancyShark
It's a ridiculous name and it works so well
And he's an interesting character!
gellaho
This comedy is so much better than it was several years later
FancyShark
What happened in that divorce, Simon?
gellaho
I want more boobery, Hawke
Brendan Reborn
Wife left him for a gay etch-a-sketch
gellaho
Upbraiding?
FancyShark
Hawke's loving his thesaurus
I hope that reporter just yelled "Blood!" and no one paid attention
gellaho
I'm glad he's sticking with Hyphen-Smythe
jakesy, space whale hater
He walked out to the throng of reporters and addressed them. “Whoever this killer is, there's about to be 🤏😎🤏 Blood on their tracks”
gellaho
Sticking with tatterdemalion I see
FancyShark
"This killer's gonna wish he hadn't gotten 🤏 😎 🤏 Blood on the streets"
jakesy, space whale hater
Blood gape is a bad turn of phrase
FancyShark
So Merlin's just been sitting there waiting for Blood to listen to him?
gellaho
Everyone bumbles into the police office
Brendan Reborn
He's Pratchetting again
FancyShark
Do Billy and Kira know each other?
gellaho
Merlin does
Brendan Reborn
Merlin knows everyone
FancyShark
oh right
gellaho
Blood takes some time to question the reality
FancyShark
Bold to wait this long to explain what readers of the first book know
gellaho
Oh, the 80s and travel
FancyShark
Um, guys? The murders?
No, you're right. Lecturing on IDs
gellaho
Merlin teleports everyone to his penthouse
FancyShark
Seems like you could have done that sooner to get Blood to listen to you, but go ahead Merlin. You do you
gellaho
"I had many bastard charlatans, Wyrdrune"
FancyShark
Casually tossing out names cuz why not
Brendan Reborn
Blood's taking these people who want to help him catch his brother's killer pretty by-the-book.
FancyShark
"Sure. Ancient demon-spawn sorceror. Heard it all before."
gellaho
Makepeace makes Blood get drunk
FancyShark
For the record: still hearing Ed Wynn
Brendan Reborn
"Wyrdryne! You're not gonna go Turbo, are you?"
gellaho
Billy's back, and incomprehensible
FancyShark
Billy drinks like a noir detective
Brendan Reborn
Billy had to grow up fast on the mean streets of Gutterton.
Malion St. is unkind to innocents
FancyShark
Fagin was so proud of him
gellaho
Simon Hawke was ahead of the game on making fun of pickup artists
FancyShark
I'm okay with this guy getting disemboweled by a werewolf
gellaho
I'm sure Roger's making it out of this alive
gellaho
Lips say nay
FancyShark
It's weird that we're getting men murdered after being seduced by beautiful women after Joey killed a woman and said she'd never tempt any man again
Brendan Reborn
Joey has no itinerary.
gellaho
Terri's got some issues
FancyShark
ohhh, okay. So Jack the Ripper is a murder genie awakening people's bloodlusts
And no one caught him for the Whitechapel murders because it was multiple people
Right, Simon?
gellaho
She secretly visits Modred
FancyShark
Women be loving their jewelry
gellaho
I'm pretty sure he's one of the Dark Ones released at the end of the last book
FancyShark
That would make more sense
Brendan Reborn
Roger's really bad at identifying the working girls.
gellaho
She leaves just as Modred takes some of her life essence, rude
FancyShark
Tough luck, Modred. I've had that happen plenty too
Just gotta get up, dust yourself off and-
oh right, the chains
gellaho
Stephie with the legs
FancyShark
In the magic future, streetwalking is still the best method for this
gellaho
Life before the int must have been hard
FancyShark
Vice cops love doing this for fun
gellaho
This sting operation does not go well
Brendan Reborn
Nothing a woman cop trying to break through the macho gatekeeping loves more than doing a turn for the men making her dress up like a hooker.
(that was supposed to be in reply to Shark)
FancyShark
"CUTCO OFFERS FREE SHARPENING FOR LIFE!"
gellaho
Meanwhile: blood hangover
gellaho
Simon was on one's, dude
gellaho
Really on one
FancyShark
I'm going to need a cold shower after this book
gellaho
Tone it down Simon
FancyShark
Did they all fuck last night?
Did Blood sleep through an orgy?
gellaho
Meanwhile: British names
FancyShark
"Blind Walter Higginsby, Jeremy John Jamesonshire, the Earl of Ipswich, Eastwick and Shropshire, and Irish Bastard Timothy"
gellaho
The Blood family has a lot going on
gellaho
FancyShark
Lot to unpack there
I'm docking you points, Simon, for the crack at feminists. But I'm giving those points back for the drag queen angle.
Brendan Reborn
Having your first threesome with the Maiden & Mother of the weird sisters the night after you sketched your brother's mutilated corpse. #BloodLyfe
gellaho
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree
gellaho
Somebody check Urban Dictionary for what it is when you and your son get sexually murdered by the same woman
FancyShark
I think that's a "Last Crusade"
gellaho
I think it's an Inverse Last Crusade
Brendan Reborn
That reads like it's Michael's thought though.
Llewellyn! Good heavens, a Welsh under THIS roof?
gellaho
I guess technobabble works when you are talking about magic computers
FancyShark
There's no "cover hacking evidence" spell?
gellaho
Oh, looks like Royce might still have a chance
FancyShark
C'mon, Blood. You're a cop. If this was Chicago, you'd have the evidence fabricated already
Brendan Reborn
Popular culture has taught me to be instantly suspicious of any woman trying to seduce me.
gellaho
He done did it
FancyShark
Impotence: It Can Save Your Life
gellaho
Hello, font change
gellaho
Hey there Westminster
Brendan Reborn
We could honestly be 60 pages in, I have no idea.
FancyShark
Even the font is British
gellaho
153
God, I am not in the head space to parse these font changes
gellaho
Borrowing a phrase, I blame endless fairy scotch
FancyShark
Are we going to manage to finish this book in one read?
gellaho
@FancyShark you wanted conservatively dressed? Here's magic conservatively dressed
FancyShark
Ahhh, finally. I feel grounded now. Thanks!
gellaho
ideally
Brendan Reborn
A change, which had come over him, seemed to come over him.
I am going to go eat a sandwich.
gellaho
I don't know what BOT means, they just kind of started saying it
FancyShark
Bureau of something Thaumateurgy
gellaho
Remove something
jakesy, space whale hater
Honestly, probably just Bureau Of Thaumaturgy
FancyShark
hahaha, right on
jakesy, space whale hater
Is someone going to submit a Carfax report?
gellaho
I'm sure it's good for a thirteen year old to smoke, right?
Lump of Hog Piss Mo
I mean, I haven't been fired as a babysitter or uncle yet
FancyShark
Crunchy lungs are healthy lungs
gellaho
Oh, Simon, you know me better than I know myself
gellaho
Blacmange
FancyShark
I thought blacmange were supposed to be good?
gellaho
Why are all these books so French
FancyShark
You don't know what a melee is? Really?
You'd think a cop would know the terms for "loosely controlled brawling"
gellaho
Joey/Jack turned into a snake earlier. I guess that was literal
gellaho
Science!
FancyShark
Weird punishment
An American Werewolf In The Can
gellaho
There's a theme in the women's clothing
gellaho
gellaho
But I can't put my finger on it
gellaho
She's going for revenge, I guess
Lord Carfax has used his horny ray
FancyShark
Lord Carfax likes to watch
gellaho
MOISTEN THE LIPS
FancyShark
Bring the woman that was repeatedly victimized in the last book and the oddly-attractive 13 year old boy to the psycho's rape orgy. Great plan.
gellaho
I don't think I've ever seen one of these chapter breaks happen so soon
FancyShark
I'm confused how her dress got there
Didn't she leave the room it was in when she turned into a wolf?
gellaho
She lets Modred out
FancyShark
LIIIIIPS
Getting moistened
Well, dampened
gellaho
Really using the thesaurus
FancyShark
woozy, turning, dizzy, dizzying, giddy, revolving, rotating, spinning, unstable, whirling and lightheaded.
Two can play this game
gellaho
Things are accelerating quickly
FancyShark
Guns remain the trump card
Is this the part where Joey/Nigel explains everything to the Hardys?
jakesy, space whale hater
Is this the horniest we've ever seen Hawke?
FancyShark
I think so
Definitely the horniest I've seen him. I wasn't there for the Steele books