6: Renegade Steele J.D. Masters (Simon Hawke)

sensitive New Age jakesy

Is it true you once had the sex for 3.5 hours straight?

Djonin Foxman

“Show us your dick, Metalman”

Science God Q Alchemy

I honestly think there was no second draft for any of these books

gellaho

"The waitress is so fucking hot, too" - JD Masters

"No uggos" - JD Masters

sensitive New Age jakesy

“That was old Steele. New Steele reads Pride and Prejudice”

Old Man Brendan

Sure, but when @hobbes yells that at Anthony Wiener on the same damn street it's harassment

gellaho

I have no idea why he's still drinking when he can't feel it

Science God Q Alchemy

See, this is why it's important to take masturbation breaks while writing

Djonin Foxman

I think he has a problem.

Steele really should talk to his friends about his compulsive drinking.

sensitive New Age jakesy

“Her cans were just, like, so bangin”

Science God Q Alchemy

He gets off on wasting rare resources

Or maybe the taste? Idk

Old Man Brendan

Raven not having banging cans is probably feminist in JD's world.

Djonin Foxman

He’s like those guys in Sweden who pour champagne into the sink

gellaho

Your money should be no good anywhere

Science God Q Alchemy

So he's famous. Despite being a classified government asset

Djonin Foxman

I’m reading Rick with a Danny DeVito voice and you can’t stop me.

Old Man Brendan

"Say, is your stomach still human? Me and the back of house were debatin' because the news said your dick, and..."

Science God Q Alchemy

I missed a bit of the last book though so maybe I missed him being famous

sensitive New Age jakesy

Luckily our global food supply chain is still intact, so we have imported liquors like the scotch you ordered sir

gellaho

I don't know how he has these talents when it's still his old mind in his computer brain

Science God Q Alchemy

See this adds to my donovan is dead theory

gellaho

He saved the world from nukes in front of national television reporters, so he's famous now

Old Man Brendan

Donna continues to haunt the place where she divorced Pre-Bloodshot Steele.

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele is a conscious entity but he's fucking with a dead man's hog.

Djonin Foxman

scribbles down the title “dead man’s hog” in a rush

Old Man Brendan

Rick is gonna Law & Order this scene: "Yeah, I remember her. She stood out on account of she was always crying and staring at a photo of a man who looked...come to think of it a lot like you! Only not grimacing like someone shoved a grenade up his ass and only his sphincter could hold the pin in place."

gellaho

"See this fuckin lady came in here and got dumped. Then she'd fuckin sit in the same booth and get wasted"

Old Man Brendan

Didn't I say?

gellaho

This dude wants the 3 hour Steele D

Djonin Foxman

I thought you had to be unloading boxes to law and order a scene

Old Man Brendan

"it'd be a real shame to see this morose drunk who didn't talk to anybody continue her decay."

Science God Q Alchemy

See if the cops asked me about a customer I could give them less than nothing

Old Man Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY? Right next to Big Pussy.

gellaho

That hot waitress also wants it

Djonin Foxman

Holy fuck

gellaho

I miss Tracy and his wacky hijinks

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

fuuuuuck ooooooofffffff

Science God Q Alchemy

I love when a writer has his main character hit on by every woman he meets

Real good writing

Old Man Brendan

Steele can reverberate at a dangerous speed. does she know what she's signing up for?

gellaho

JD has given up on subtext

Djonin Foxman

Has he always noir monologued like this?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Behold my graphic design skills

gellaho

Immediate double-dipping on the ol c-word

Old Man Brendan

...who the hell s this cunt Janice all of a sudden?

Science God Q Alchemy

His ex?

gellaho

Steele's hot bitch whore of an ex-wife

Old Man Brendan

I thought that was Donna.

Djonin Foxman

Fuck you I laughed at this too hard.

gellaho

Donna is the ex-wife of Johnathan, whose memories Steele has

because his brain was damaged during his first death

Old Man Brendan

Well who is this cunt Johnathan now?

Science God Q Alchemy

All these ex wives are confusing

gellaho

That is the question

Djonin Foxman

The ex wives are how you know he’s a cop.

Old Man Brendan

Steele has more men crammed inside him than Lindsay Graham's calendar.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

snnrrt

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele is an almagam of memories from many different guys.

So, he's not really donovan steele at all really

gellaho

He knows everything about women

Science God Q Alchemy

I mention Steele's human penis a lot, but not nearly as much as simon hawke does

gellaho

This would be a hilarious suicide

Science God Q Alchemy

I mean, why not?

What the hell does steele have to live for anyway?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

what a fucked up dystopia, they've got a Robot Master for a senator

Science God Q Alchemy

What ability does megaman get from car man?

gellaho

Thanks for explaining one of the most famous Greek myths to me

Science God Q Alchemy

But one must imagine sisyphus happy

gellaho

Is he just going to keep doing this?

Is this a bit?

Science God Q Alchemy

How many different literary references do you need?

sensitive New Age jakesy

Some critic told him his writing wasn’t intelligent and he thinks name dropping literature is the same thing as intelligence

It’s like how the chickweed guy thinks making his horny characters classical musicians makes him a sophisticated artist

gellaho

Steele has just been wandering

Science God Q Alchemy

He's writing a story about a cyborg with a human dick, which he mentions constantly, does he think he's earned the poe references?

Old Man Brendan

Poe did say a dead woman was the most inspiring thing there is, and that seems pretty Mastersy

gellaho

He's just looking for trouble

Science God Q Alchemy

I think the drug addictions and not holding down a job is more a result of combat experience in a lot of cases

gellaho

Goddammit, Masters you successfully avoided this in the last book

Don't describe a teen like that

you creep

Science God Q Alchemy

I asked if had simon hawke could hold the darkness at Bay for the rest of the series, and it turns out he cant

The true lesson is this, the darkness will always return

The darkness always wins

gellaho

Steele with the quips

Science God Q Alchemy

"my human dick to clarify"

gellaho

How do these morons not know who Steele is

Old Man Brendan

There's a reason I mistake this book for a work from the '70s

gellaho

Steele's greatest weakness is if you call him a robot

Old Man Brendan

That's hatespeech.

gellaho

How can you be this horny for this long

Just jerk off, JD

Old Man Brendan

He cranks out a book a day, it's okay to suffer for his art.

Dev is a stand-in for Hawke.

gellaho

It never ends

Alpha Scientist Javo

hm, who else do we know that is constantly horny and also really into legs

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

me?

gellaho

Lip moistening is essential

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

just say "licked"!

jesus

people do that when they're nervous

I do that when I'm nervous

Djonin Foxman

Lousy robot

Alpha Scientist Javo

is this lady being told to jack off Steele to save the world

Djonin Foxman

That’s what’s gonna be hurled at my robot partner if the tech bros make us put him on the force

gellaho

Yeeessss. Bring me Ice

Djonin Foxman

Oh man I can’t wait to see what kind of place Ice has.

gellaho

Ice is a man of integrity

Also, "honky"

Djonin Foxman

Haha

gellaho

This book was written in 1990

Djonin Foxman

What kind of honkey spells it honky

gellaho

Fuck yeah

Old Man Brendan

Honky's a fun slur. Feel free to call me honky in good cheer unless it means something awful I don't know. I'm not falling for "cracker" twice.

gellaho

Ice: Prime Minister of Hell

Old Man Brendan

It's Cazh Friday in Hell.

gellaho

It's cute when JD tries to be woke

Old Man Brendan

Ice does NOT speak in any recognized form of AAVE

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

AAVE?

g-glory to caesar?

Djonin Foxman

African American dialect

Old Man Brendan

African-American Verncular English

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

ah

gellaho

Everyone wants this sex tape

Djonin Foxman

Hold up, is Ice on call? Why is he chilling in his apartment wearing sunglasses and a black suit?

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

what the fuck is Ice's accent

Old Man Brendan

Ice sounds like he might have a Cajun dialect

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I thought maybe Jamaican?

gellaho

The Prime Minister of Hell has his own way of talking

Old Man Brendan

Don't have a cow, robot.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

and now Ice sounds more like he's in Song of the South

what the fuck is his accent

Djonin Foxman

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n3rKPYvPXSU

YouTube

starcraft2units

StarCraft 2 - Marauder Quotes

I think Ice is supposed to sound like this dude

gellaho

Stop tryin' to play doctor with the man, Doctor.

sensitive New Age jakesy

Hahahaha coming in hot with the chest measurements

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

hisself

Djonin Foxman

Jesus I feel like Ice’s accent gets worse each book.

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

jesus christ masters why don't you just break out the watermelon and cornbread while you're at it

Djonin Foxman

He’s turning into Jim from Huck Finn

gellaho

Busting out the word savage, huh

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

unusually loquacious

Djonin Foxman

He’s very articulate

Old Man Brendan

You know who else likes those things? EVERYONE

Old Man Brendan

and well-dressed!

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

I hate watermelon

and pineapple but that's neither here nor there

Djonin Foxman

OH MY GOD I FIGURED IT OUT! Ice is talking in Wyoming-dialect AAVE

That’s why we haven’t heard anything like it

gellaho

sensitive New Age jakesy

There’s an army of horny engrams with no human dick hanging out in the phone lines and you guys think it’s fascinating !?

Old Man Brendan

It beats the AI with a human dick hanging out hating life.

Matrix has PLANS.

I'm glad he's addressing the rogue AI concern though

gellaho

I'm getting whiplash from this conversation

Old Man Brendan

Ice listens and I love him.

Djonin Foxman

I find it funny how we all love Ice, but we also agree he’s just

gellaho

We all love the Prime Minister of Hell

Djonin Foxman

Dear god does the book get racist when he’s in frame.

Old Man Brendan

Higgins is thoroughly unqualified to lead.

gellaho

"I order you to be me and my girlfriend's therapist"

sensitive New Age jakesy

Oh man if we’re allowed to go outside by Halloween I’m buying the biggest pair of lats and going as Ice

Bike Dancin' Greg

I'm back please tell me i didn't miss any meandering Steele or chest measurements

Djonin Foxman

Ice got his chest measured.

gellaho

You definitely missed chest measurements

Djonin Foxman

He’s also the prime minister of hell

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ice showed up so of course there were chest measurements

gellaho

address him as such

Science God Q Alchemy

Is his chest any bigger this book?

gellaho

and me

Old Man Brendan

The thing is: in abstract, Ice is the most capable. He dominates any room he's in, he's reserved where everyone else is a catty dickhead, and he's a trustworthy bro. It's only the execution where Hawke trips over his own whiteness.

If Ice were just Rutherford Ice, [insert identical description of all the other characters] he'd still be clutch.

Djonin Foxman

Yeah, we love Ice cause he calls people out on their bullshit.

Old Man Brendan

"No-bullshit" is a trait a lot of Black actors are tired of auditioning for, but everybody loves a character who slices through everyone else's formalities.

Science God Q Alchemy

Ice rules, hes modeled himself after a blaxploitation hero, and has no idea he's not the main character of the novel

sensitive New Age jakesy

Ice also has the moistest lips in the room

gellaho

Matrix is going to attempt to cuck Steele. That's going to be hard without a human dick

sensitive New Age jakesy

He’s the only one who’s not constantly licking them

Djonin Foxman

You need a no bullshit guy when your whole cast is nothing but bullshit

Science God Q Alchemy

See, the ai is an identical clone of steele and without a human penis it has gone rogue

gellaho

Hey, JD, I fucking get it

Bike Dancin' Greg

Ok good to know. I assume Ice talks like he always has and not inexplicably like Gambit from X-Men

gellaho

it's a copy of Steele, move the fuck on

Djonin Foxman

Also, is Barrett a good example of a 60 inch chest? I’m not great with measurements.

Science God Q Alchemy

If they had bolted a human dong on skynet everything would have been fine

sensitive New Age jakesy

“So wait, you’re telling me there’s like a Steele but on the TV?”

I’m but a simple hooker, please explain again

Old Man Brendan

This book had better end with Higgins opening the ultra-confidential paper-only file on Subject: John Matrix.

gellaho

Why does Steele sleep

Science God Q Alchemy

I always imagined ice looking like robby robinson

Old Man Brendan

If I looked like that you'd never catch me wearing a jacket.

...like his LITERAL wires crossed?

Bike Dancin' Greg

"OK Raven, all I have is this sex tape and complete control over all data and infrastructure so we're really going to have to lean on this blackmail to get anything done"

Science God Q Alchemy

These books had exactly one edit between first draft and publish, and that was reexplaining the apocalypse shit in the beginning which felt like an editor making fun of the books

gellaho

Shockingly similar to Ghostbusters

Science God Q Alchemy

"just to remind everyone 3/4 of the population died"

gellaho

I guess not that shocking that he steals character names

Old Man Brendan

But what size were the cans attached to her brain?

Science God Q Alchemy

His main character is a cyborg names Steele, Simon Hawke is not exactly the most creative when it comes to names

gellaho

Payphones, sure

Old Man Brendan

...where were you going to call him?

Bike Dancin' Greg

Remember me the war robot from yesterday?

Old Man Brendan

Rick is just Bibbo in my head and I'm keeping him that way. "Donovan Steele's my fav'rit!"

Bike Dancin' Greg

Please tell that waitress I will have sex with her

Science God Q Alchemy

You can't get this kind of writing with a good writer who works hard at his craft

Old Man Brendan

She's a lush, you can't even make her leave.

gellaho

"Hey, JD, this is your editor. Cut the pointless Wizard of Oz bit"

Science God Q Alchemy

Ha, an editor that's a good one

Bike Dancin' Greg

I'm glad learning her name is meaningless now

That is good writing

gellaho

And we're back to the Senate. It's like a Star Wars prequel here

Science God Q Alchemy

Higgins is a fucking reprobate

Old Man Brendan

Hawkemaster took a tour of the UN and his only thought was "How can I smear US culture over a 4,000-year-old society?"

At least we're speculating on elderly male characters' sex lives too?

Science God Q Alchemy

"Carman also had a particular fondness for adrenochrome, the elites drug of choice"

gellaho

I could have sworn they had a way to send messages to Steele in the previous books

gellaho

He does have a human dick

Old Man Brendan

Senator Dillingsworth, meddling woman

gellaho

Oh, JD you slippery bastard

Science God Q Alchemy

Did they not lojack their unstoppable cyborg soldier?

gellaho

Leaving out that detail until after I made fun of you

Oh, no! We're over halfway through the book and little has happened

Science God Q Alchemy

So like, if you gave a dude a robot dick in Steele's world would he become insane? Or does it need to be more cybernetics?

What are the rules here?

gellaho

JD loves women

gellaho

rules, what's that?

Old Man Brendan

Stone definitely filmed the bdsm.

Science God Q Alchemy

I feel like there's so much padding these books could be edited into a trilogy

Maybe even just a single novel depending on how harsh the editor is

gellaho

So they're going to try to kill Steele without trial because he... took a long walk?

the guy who stopped a military coup and nuclear destruction of New York

Old Man Brendan

ensure but I guess your verb too.

If betraying our nation's greatest hero is what it takes to achieve congressional unity, I don't want it.

Science God Q Alchemy

Too be fair losing track of a cyborg with a massive human penis, feels like a shoot to kill kind of situation to me.

gellaho

Oh, JD got horny again

All that congressional drama got him worked up

Science God Q Alchemy

I think if we figured out how many words he can type in a day we could time his masturbation breaks precisely

gellaho

Old Man Brendan

Steele, do yourself a favor: Don't tell her that when you meet her.

His nysteel, inhuman heart.

Science God Q Alchemy

"wow you've looked better"

Old Man Brendan

"Ma'am, you don't know me, but I know what you look like naked."

No, don't run away! You see, your dead husband is inside me and

gellaho

I'm still not sure what he's expecting to get out of this

Old Man Brendan

She knows his RANK.

gellaho

But, first, everyone wants the D

Science God Q Alchemy

Then she kicks him in the dick, his one weakness

Old Man Brendan

this is really going to mess with his infiltration schemes.

gellaho

no, she calls him a robot and he runs out sobbing

GDC

"sorry, i only like robot dicks."

Science God Q Alchemy

I kind of expected, from the cover art, that there would be more ridiculous military sci fi bullshit

Old Man Brendan

It's really going to mess with Steele when the engram drops of Jonathan saying "All cyborgs are just robots. Inhuman, worthless machines."

gellaho

you should realize that's a lie by this point

Old Man Brendan

So far a guy has just taken a long walk around the Village and had a couple drinks.

It's like a John Updike story.

gellaho

God, that last book was so much better

Science God Q Alchemy

This book isn't an action book, it's more like

The ramblings of a madman

Old Man Brendan

There's no sex in this book about sex, either.

"Dev could only imagine what the two women he knew were like in bed."

Science God Q Alchemy

I mean, write what you know

gellaho

I'm skipping all this because it's recap (130 pages in fyi) but Steele told this Donna woman his life and then they left

Old Man Brendan

It's not cheating if one of your engrammatic processors is in a relationship with the woman

Science God Q Alchemy

If philip k dick wrote death wish, I imagine it would be similar to this

gellaho

Couldn't even come up with a good reason for the sexy scientist betrayal

"Eh, he might be crazy so we should murder him"

Science God Q Alchemy

I feel like that's a reasonable precaution for your unstoppable cyborg super soldier

I'm on her side tbh, fuck steele

Old Man Brendan

Chief Engineer, doesn't notify her report-to before snitching to the Senate

Science God Q Alchemy

Kill the bastard

Old Man Brendan

I am 40, and the idea of drinking a half-bottle of scotch seems like the most painful thing this dominatrix could do.

gellaho

It's not a great look when the CIA project director who said he would plant bugs on everyone if he could ends up as the sympathetic one

Old Man Brendan

"You slattern! As if I could want you after you betrayed our nation's greatest penis."

gellaho

Close!

Science God Q Alchemy

I mean they can salvage the penis and attach it to another mechanized abomination.

gellaho

Jesus

Science God Q Alchemy

Do you think Simon Hawke has issues with women?

Unrelated question

gellaho

Johnathan committed suicide apparently

because "he wasn't very strong"

gellaho

Steele, you slut

Ferroday, Hack Fraud ScapeApe

fuck ooooooffffff

Science God Q Alchemy

It's weird how "tough cool cyborg who everyone wants to fuck" doesn't make for more compelling reading

gellaho

Oh, they didn't define their relationship, but Raven felt jealous. Think that might be a hint there Steele?

gellaho

What a great protagonist

I really miss Tracy

and Ice

where's Ice?

Science God Q Alchemy

I love how much we all want anyone but steele to be the focus.

gellaho

Please stop, JD. Just jerk off and stop

Djonin Foxman

I said it once I’ll say it again.

gellaho

He's solved his rogue memory problem through fucking

Science God Q Alchemy

Isn't this supposed to be a sci fi suspense novel?

gellaho

Hey, tell the woman you just cheated with all of your girlfriend's past traumas

gellaho

Also, JD, I would prefer it if you stopped reminding me of the underage sex and rape

that would be cool

Oh, he tells her about the gang-rape

That's some great post-coital conversation

Science God Q Alchemy

Steele is being a terrible boyfriend in ways I've never dreamed of