Derpbat
You had your friend fly in from... wherever she lives... to come in and watch you, the world's single least observant woman, solve this crime.
51: Case 13 Wings of Fear Carolyn Keene
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Nancy takes off after a smuggling ring - and flies head-on into a major disaster!
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FancyShark
"Holy shit! Hi, Nancy! Why are you here?!"
Derpbat
Boy, I really hope this isn't going to turn around and embarrass you in front of the boyfriend who just had a date with a prettier and smarter girl.
That would be awful.
gellaho
"Me see shiny, illegal shiny"
gellaho
DJ-100 model, Djonin
… diamonds?
Derpbat
pained breath
oh, sweetie, no.
oh, no.
FancyShark
Jules Winnfield then shoots her
Derpbat
I don't think her dying would be murder anymore.
I'm not even sure it would be animal cruelty.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
It would be herbicide
Gentleman Brendan
Last known sighting of Jennifer
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The died the way she lived: oblivious.
Gentleman Brendan
This is the most character development she's ever received.
Derpbat
I mean, no, I take that back.
gellaho
Must eat tensely
DJ-100 model, Djonin
This talk of diamonds makes me afraid of the Nancy Drew where she goes to Africa and runs afoul of the DeBeers
Derpbat
I'm not sure Sean knew he was Jenny's boyfriend.
Gentleman Brendan
Pizza makes a lot more sense if you think it's these teens talking in code about sex.
I couldn't afford this much pizza as a teen.
Derpbat
I refuse to consider the idea that Jenny is sexually active, so no, it's pizza.
Also, Nancy Drew just flew to Seattle on a whim.
Like, on the day she got that whim.
She has pizza money.
gellaho
So, anyway 9/11
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Never forget
Derpbat
Nancy, did you think you were a genius because your closest friends in school were Bess and Jennifer?
Is that where this confidence comes from?
Did... did you decide to surround yourself with them to always look better in comparison?
Is that why you're dating Ned?
I'm curious what the target readership for this book was, because the Mary Kate and Ashley navy propaganda book had more respect for its readers, and I don't just say that because I am contractually obligated to approve of navy propaganda.
gellaho
So, they decide that 747 is a major clue and Nancy just runs straight towards a 747 that just came in
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Dear god, a 747 in an airport?
In the 80s?!?
gellaho
I think it would be easier to get to the luggage if it's in the airport than on a departing airplane
Derpbat
...you know, smuggling ming dynasty vases to Singapore.
That old con trick.
FancyShark
shoot. I have to step away for actual work. Save point set.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
That’s a fucking terrible idea. Singapore is so fucking draconian with their laws. You smuggle to Hong Kong because no one cares and everyone’s in Hong Kong to do illegal shit anyways.
Derpbat
Smuggling ming dynasty vases to Singapore from China via one of the few countries in the world that may actually care that you're doing so.
👍
Gentleman Brendan
"What a lovely vase, Rod? Where did you buy it?"
"Oh...down at this department store, I forget the name. But I remember the price..." Rod's eyebrows waggled like caterpillars doing mating dances. "$7.47." He cackled manically.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
You can’t even chew gum in Singapore
Singaporean tourists go to Malaysia to experience what it’s like to bribe cops and litter
Derpbat
Was this before or after that event where they literally beat an American teenager for trying to spray paint on a building.
gellaho
The stuff was taken off the plane before being sent to Singapore
Derpbat
That does make more sense.
gellaho
The plane came from Korea
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Hmm.
gellaho
And now Nancy gets a free trip to Singapore
gellaho
Derpbat
I've heard of weirder routes than Korea to Singapore via Seattle.
Well, bye Nancy.
You'll like Singapore.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Shanghaied to Singapore
You missed a good title.
gellaho
Great work from the brain trust
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Damn
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Why did they rev the engines?
gellaho
For fun
Derpbat
I'm not sure this particular iteration of Carolyn Keene knows how planes actually work.
Gentleman Brendan
I'm completely fine with this.
It gave us our greatest Wesley Crusher episode of STTNG
Derpbat
I'm just wondering how the iteration of Carolyn Keene that managed to not learn anything about the Philippines while writing a book in 1986 knew about Singapore.
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy will actually be frozen to the spot if she doesn't put some cargo hold clothes on.
Derpbat
Because not knowing a city in the Philippines in 1986 would be kind of like not knowing about 9/11 when you publish a book in 2002.
gellaho
Really harping on the handsome bit. Ned's in a great place
gellaho
Let's let the Phillipines thing go
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Nancy Drew lucked out - things wouldn’t be good for an unknown undocumented person suddenly showing up in Singapore in 87
Derpbat
Yeah, yeah. You're right.
Just mostly thinking why Singapore.
Gentleman Brendan
Handsome people never commit crimes.
Why do you think I'm only wanted in the countries known for their lusty ladies?
Derpbat
Nancy Drew has weird luck powers.
gellaho
CONSUME
Derpbat
Oh, hey Bess.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
God damn, stop eating all the pizza in Seattle
Derpbat
In 1987, what were the pizza options in Seattle?
Pizza hut?
gellaho
Bess seems well suited for this
DJ-100 model, Djonin
We have a really really good place called Pagliacci which is the pride of the city.
Derpbat
Huh. Cool.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Pagliacci is fucking gourmet.
Derpbat
Nancy has learned the secret to Bess taming.
Just... give her more food.
You know, don't actually comfort your friend.
MORE FOOD.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
In their defense, Pagliacci pizza looks like this.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
It’s like platonic ideal pizza.
Suck my dick New York.
Derpbat
Dammit, now I want pizza.
Gentleman Brendan
Too thick.
Dis ai't real pizzuh
gellaho
No, I bet it's the luggage wizards
DJ-100 model, Djonin
DJ-100 model, Djonin
… fuck.
Pizza tonight I guess.
Derpbat
I feel like a priceless ming vase is not something you want to smuggle in an airplane's cargo hold, even in the 1980s.
gellaho
Meet Paul, the baggage handler
Derpbat
He seems nice.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
…huh
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nancy regrets not packing her collapsible baton.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Baggage handlers apparently act like New York bricklayers.
gellaho
Nancy decides it's a great idea to break into rooms at the airport
Gentleman Brendan
What is this sbarro shit you're giving me? I'ma tell youse where to get a REAL slice.
Derpbat
I mean... congratulations, Nancy, if this was Texas he'd be allowed to put your head on his wall.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
They work in airport basements so they can't miss any opportunity to cat call.
Derpbat
Fortunately it's Seattle, I guess.
Gentleman Brendan
I don't even know Paul!
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Okay but we have the most fuckable Bigfoot as our mascot.
Derpbat
That is a very fuckable Bigfoot.
gellaho
Really weird that Sweeny would react that way to your break-in attempt
Gentleman Brendan
That Bigfoot drives--and lives in--a van.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Ehh, Seattle doesn’t have a duty to retreat law.
Gentleman Brendan
Who's Grant? Is he Paul's brother? What about Preston? Ned, you have no chance.
This reminds me of F is for Family where a whole airline is like 20 regional people and a strip of asphalt.
gellaho
he runs baggage handling
Gentleman Brendan
Pre-9/11 was wild. You could just hang out, walk up.
Derpbat
It's an airline that so far as we can tell just goes between the Orient and Seattle.
Gentleman Brendan
Tickets were more expensive than now though.
Derpbat
Smuggling is probably the only reason it even survived long enough to make the first flight.
Nancy is going to put all these people out of business.
gellaho
Nancy's strategy is to be as irritating as possible
Derpbat
Nope, I believe him.
gellaho
I don't know, Nancy, is it a clue?
Derpbat
And I will tell you for why.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Shit. I want to see Nancy Drew team up with the guy from LA Noire now.
Derpbat
Because he's the first suspect in a Nancy Drew book.
So he almost certainly cannot be guilty.
Gentleman Brendan
How many times do you think Nancy Drew gets called a bitch by a middle-aged man who thinks she's supposed to be obedient?
Was that what all the swears were in The Clue in the Clock?
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Depends on the decade.
Derpbat
I just assume that's the background noise of her life.
She doesn't even comment on it anymore.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Fuck no it really doesn’t depend on the decade huh
Derpbat
No, but it's nice to pretend.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
It happens less often now that she carries a taser.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
It’s about ethics in sleuth journalism
Gentleman Brendan
Honestly, Veronica Mars is just Nancy Drew with a taser.
gellaho
Bitch is frequently used in children's literature, sure
Gentleman Brendan
I am kind of in awe of how immediate the stories are.
Derpbat
Didn't she also have a gun?
Gentleman Brendan
Teen lit lets a lot live in the margins.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Reading expressions in Nancy Drew:
Gentleman Brendan
Only in the Hulu series after a lifetime of noir heartbreak.
Derpbat
I know there was a CW Nancy Drew series that was basically just Veronica Mars.
I don't remember anything else but that.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
CW Nancy Drew? Oof, I don’t think I can take the thought of a sexually active Nancy Drew.
Henry
the nancy drew games get hilariously bad
jerma's playthrough is legendary
gellaho
Computer printouts, riveting stuff for the kids
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Jerma would be baffled by the plot twists of the books.
We need Jerma and Vinny doing a Hardy boys mystery.
Derpbat
...how is 747 a clue?
gellaho
MUST CONSUME
Derpbat
...wow, taco salads were a thing way earlier than I expected.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
She had to get a taco salad because Pagliacci put a photo of her near the counter with orders not to let her in
gellaho
Nancy has begun the stalking portion of the investigation
Derpbat
It took her longer than I would have expected.
Also, no one's died yet except the original victim. I don't know if that's as notable as it feels to me.
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy was the 9/11 mastermind.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Judging by his truck, Sweeney is going to take out half a dozen cyclists on the way to his destination.
gellaho
The most awkward car chase
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy is 25 confirmed.
Derpbat
The least believable part of this is they let a teenage girl rent a car in 1987.
Without anyone else to sign off on that.
gellaho
Then, this happens. Somehow
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I assume bribes were involved.
Derpbat
HAHAHAHA. Five minutes later Nancy Vat 73 turned over and decanted the new Nancy Drew.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
You can just go through those gates, Nancy. They're designed to break away specifically so you don't get stuck on the tracks.
gellaho
But, no worries, Nancy Drew follows Hardy Boys anticlimactic cliffhanger rules
Derpbat
Wait, wasn't the train barreling straight at her?
Did... did Carolyn Keene #76A just decide to forget what she wrote and keep moving?
That's ballsy.
gellaho
Don't worry about it, cookie time!
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Nancy busy doing the worst GTA missions.
Derpbat
Not enough model planes or awful pretend rappers.
gellaho
The first Hardy Boys book I read included a cliffhanger where Joe fell into subway tracks, and then the next chapter started with him not falling into subway tracks. It is the way
Derpbat
But I do hear a ghost on the wind telling me all we had to do was follow the damn car.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This being kid fic, they're not allowed to describe bess as having a post-coital glow.
Derpbat
Okay then.
gellaho
gasp double stolen
Derpbat
By the pirate code, when they steal the stolen vase back it now belongs to them for real.
Gentleman Brendan
"We have cookies!"
"Yay!"
"They're mostly coconut."
"Alright, Drew, I did it! I killed Rod!"
gellaho
It wasn't that solid, you still don't actually know if it was smuggled in. Or real
DJ-100 model, Djonin
“The Orient”
Every time they say that I forget this is set in 1987
gellaho
Blake Maxell seems cool
gellaho
Also seems like they are rolling with a typo on Maxwell
Derpbat
Hmmm... A jerk introduced in the back half of the book?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
This guy's family fortune was built on blank VHS tapes.
FancyShark
Load save point. What'd I miss?
DJ-100 model, Djonin
A boring car chase.
gellaho
The forty year old book has yielded
DJ-100 model, Djonin
And also a pipe wrench
FancyShark
Sweet
RIP book
Derpbat
And they lost the vase.
FancyShark
GASP
Derpbat
Which is the end of the story.
I assume.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
Why’d she pose like she was being spied on by Joseph Joestar’s Stand?
Derpbat
The hunk has x ray vision.
gellaho
Typically this is a gesture normal humans make when they are cold
And Jennifer and Sean have now broken up
Derpbat
But since she dates Nick she's not entirely sure what to cover.
gellaho
If you care
I don't
Gentleman Brendan
His brother Beta is the real killer.
Derpbat
Did Sean actually know they were dating then?
FancyShark
Is Miranda the killer?
Gentleman Brendan
Bullshit you could make a flight reservation in 87 by computer.
Maybe 91 on AOL.
gellaho
Jennifer seems very stable
Gentleman Brendan
But does he...y'know, party?
gellaho
He didn't like that she was involving herself in the investigation
Really, nobody did
Gentleman Brendan
Nancy mimed a rail of coke by way of explanation.
Derpbat
Sean remains the wisest of us all.
FancyShark
"Fuck you, Nancy! Why'd you even show up for this thing I asked you to show up for?"
Derpbat
Jenny, you may be the dumbest woman in Seattle in 1987.
gellaho
Part your lips in dismay, everyone
FancyShark
LIIIIIIPS
Derpbat
And Bess is loving every minute of it.
gellaho
Yeah, you seem really broken up about it
FancyShark
"Wow, drama much? Oh hey, they've got Knight Rider on TNT"
gellaho
You remember the dead guy? Me neither
Derpbat
Bess has found her purpose in life.
And I for one encourage it.
FancyShark
Guys always buy empty-headed women lunch at great restaurants for platonic reasons
gellaho
EAT
FancyShark
Only the fanciest of Sbarro's will do
Gentleman Brendan
Bess is way more fun than Nancy.
She parties, eats, flirts.
gellaho
"She just made up that story about the diamonds, but that was two days ago!"
FancyShark
"Next you're going to say you don't believe she got that scar in a pitfight"
Derpbat
No, I think she has a point.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Jennifer's not qualified to decide which piece of cutlery to use.
Derpbat
Jenny isn't smart enough to make this up.
gellaho
What a ridiculous assertion. Not leaving it to amateurs? Ludicrous
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Master detective skills: "Hey, can you get me a list of the people most likely to do crimes?"
FancyShark
Luckily, Maxell has charted out the stats on every employee
gellaho
How dare he not massage my ego!
FancyShark
Nancy gets her piano wire
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Maxell's neg was successful.
gellaho
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
FancyShark
"WAS YOUR BOARDING GROUP CALLED?!"
gellaho
"Please, stop bothering me"
FancyShark
Grant is not only the gruff manager of the baggage department, but its only employee
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"Nancy wondered if it was a 747." They're very distinctively shaped planes, detective.
gellaho
And here's Paulie the Pervert
FancyShark
"His penis was only halfway out, to be coy"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Nancy slides her knuckledusters on behind her back.
FancyShark
Have I been going to the wrong airports? I thought the most intimate they got was the USB kiosk
gellaho
Really inconsistent with the 747 spelling
FancyShark
Writer wanted to test the editor
gellaho
"Well, then, I'm not horny anymore"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Honestly, those were like, the only 2 planes airlines used for transoceanic travel in the 80s.
Gentleman Brendan
Has the president of the company tried sitting down and listing everyone who could be making him look like a fool?
gellaho
Here's Linda. She's been mentioned in passing a lot. Apparently she's a meanie
Gentleman Brendan
Cotilla the Hon!
FancyShark
Wow, rude
Gentleman Brendan
"We don't bump into people on this crew!" snapped Linda. "You're new, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt."
gellaho
And we're just letting the cat right out of the bag
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Blunt cut hair must be difficult to do. My barber always cuts with sharp stuff.
FancyShark
heyo!
Gentleman Brendan
...did they just confess?
did we get third-party omniscient?
FancyShark
I hope it turns out Sweeney and Linda are just having the filthiest sex
gellaho
Nancy's in the hallway
the explanation is that Nancy has soft-soled flats. Which makes her both invisible and makes Linda forget she just bumped into her
Master detective
Gentleman Brendan
Linda's smuggling sperm across international borders.
Derpbat
Well, that's the end of that.
FancyShark
The End
Derpbat
Good job, Nancy.
gellaho
It's just Sean being weird
Gentleman Brendan
Murdered on a plane is a special kind of killing.
Nancy licked Sean's hand the way he liked.
"Helllooooo, loverrrr," he purred with a sigh.
Ned could never understand Nancy's cannibalism fetish.
FancyShark
"Limp With Relief" was the name of my rejected ED novella
gellaho
What part of this conversation assured you Sean can be trusted?
gellaho
I bet it's when he laughed in her face, very trustworthy
FancyShark
"No, I mean I don't believe in ANY OF THIS. Not you. Not the airport. Not travel. None of it!"
Gentleman Brendan
"I'll write your book on two conditions: I can push Ned offstage and Nancy gets to be wild for every man at the airline."
"Chapter Two: At the airline run by sexy college students..."
gellaho
Back to the spreadsheets, kids!
FancyShark
There's drool marks on the manuscript
gellaho
This is a mind-bogglingly stupid code
Derpbat
That's... Interesting.
FancyShark
"Wait! I've got it! They're smuggling on planes!"
Derpbat
I'm not sure I can comment any more on this.
Gentleman Brendan
7...4...7--GDG! Goddamned Grant!
Derpbat
Obviously the 747 arriving at 747 is the smuggling one.
There's no way that would fail in some obvious fashion.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Seems like there's a lot of opportunity for miscommunication
gellaho
This is a perfect disguise. Very inconspicuous
Gentleman Brendan
The 9/11 hijackers told each other the attack would go down on "Two sticks and a stick with a cake." Sometimes code is just as dumb as it looks.
Nancy goes vamp.
Is this a horny Nancy Drew novel or am I just a one-joke drunk?
FancyShark
Emo/goth is writing a check I know this book won't cash
gellaho
Bess is uninterested in this dangerous murder case
Derpbat
Is... Is Bess insane? She's obviously dumb, but is she insane?
Gentleman Brendan
Jennifer just won the book.
The cops solved it all along.
Coffee, Tea, or MURDER should have been the title.
DJ-100 model, Djonin
I had to check out for a minute what did I miss
gellaho
Nancy's dreaming big
