31: The Hardy Boys Casefiles #35: The Dead Season Franklin W. Dixon

gellaho

🚨 Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) Poll Time 🚨

This time I have randomly selected three books. Make your choice for which book you want to be read:

🕴️ #35 - The Dead Season

🚁 #47 - Flight into Danger

🔥 #96 - Against All Odds

Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo

tough

problematic fox Djonin

Who let these assholes into an aircraft

It’s like watching Drake and Josh pilot an aircraft carrier

FancyShark

An aircraft is basically a flying computer. Which means it is doomed.

gellaho

The people have spoken, and this Friday, 5pm eastern, we will be reading The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #35: The Dead Season. Frank & Joe are going on a Caribbean vacation and full Scooby Doo. Frank is both Fred & Velma, while Joe is a half-eaten sandwich that a ghost has stolen from Scooby and Shaggy.

gellaho

gellaho

@Brockway if you don't want a ghostly gangster taking out a hit on you, see, pin this

FancyShark

Trap doors are part of the spirit world?

gellaho

It's part of the long held beliefs of the Caribbean Threshold Worshippers

FancyShark

"Ghosts can get through the Phantom Screen Door. We must enact the Installation of the Celestial Storm Window!"

FancyShark

@Gentleman Brendan , you gonna be able to join us for Hardy Boys vs Ghosts?

Gentleman Brendan

Oh shnerk is it Friday?

I've lost all sense of time because my life rules now.

FancyShark

yep!

lol, right on

Gentleman Brendan

If I get these outline edits back to my client in time.

gellaho

The ghost has a gun if that helps

Gentleman Brendan

Frank will die and Joe will have to guide his spirit back to his comatose body.

FancyShark

I hope the villain's plan requires a dwarf

gellaho

A tiny preview today

FancyShark

Zoinks!

Gentleman Brendan

And a coffin full of Romanian soil

gellaho

This takes place in Barbados. I'm sure there will be nothing culturally insensitive

Gentleman Brendan

100% the Barbadians will be written as Jamaican.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

“Eyy mon, dis be Ice from Barbaaados”

Gentleman Brendan

"Conch?" Joe wrinkled his nose. "I don't eat giant sea snails."

FancyShark

"Bwanos deeyas, seenyor. I ahm Barbados seeteezen."

"Joe, shut the fuck up"

@Gentleman Brendan , you missed such a brainfuck of a novel last week

There was no story

Gentleman Brendan

i bet Frank gets his hair braided and beaded.

gellaho

The Hardys can't get a cab in this town

FancyShark

Joe immediately launches into a tirade about government freeloaders

John

Lazy foreigners.

Joe, they live here. We’re the foreigners.

Maybe we should take it back, then.

Ughh...

Gentleman Brendan

Joe could have a miserable time at the Blowjob Factory.

gellaho

You know, high schoolers always traveling internationally alone

FancyShark

"Seriously, Joe. Cheer the fuck up."

Gentleman Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

gellaho

I'm sure he loves being the third wheel at his brother's girlfriend's cousin's hotel

Gentleman Brendan

is this the gf who blew up?

Gentleman Brendan

What happened?

gellaho

Joe's girlfriend exploded

FancyShark

NOTHING!

gellaho

Frank has this girlfriend for all the books

gellaho

An evil wizard started talking to Simon Hawke

FancyShark

A nerd wouldn't fuck his hot wife, thought he made a time machine, went to a fantasy world, and lectured people on how to make basic items for their home

gellaho

Joe, completely familiar with cab fares

FancyShark

There was no actual story. Just pages of jokes and detailed explanations of random garbage

gellaho

Terrible, terrible meta humor

Gentleman Brendan

Wait till Joe finds out cabs charge per passenger not destination.

Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD

Wait what?

FancyShark

To give you an idea of what a bargain the Hardys are getting, here is a Google map shot of Barbados

Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD

Ive learned something very important right now?

gellaho

G-g-ghosts

FancyShark

Jinkies

Also, how many people have to disappear to get a legend going but not an investigation?

Gentleman Brendan

I haven't been to Barbados but that's been my experience around the Caribbean

gellaho

Straight Scooby-Doo

FancyShark

Curses. I used up my Scooby quotes already

Gentleman Brendan

...Is Wiley Reed the irishman from The Big Sleep?

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Oh shit someone disappeared when Nora was 21 years old and motorcars were barely invented, that must mean ghosts

Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD

That's good to know, although I've learned to negotiate the fare before I go in the cab in most of the countries

gellaho

I bet this isn't important

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Also which colonial oppressor named all this shit

FancyShark

"He went mad, skinned a bunch of people, hung their bodies from the trees. If you look over there, you can see the beach!"

gellaho

Oh, we're starting already

FancyShark

This is a prank the driver pulls on every customer

He dreams of owning a theme park

gellaho

FUCK YOU

Gentleman Brendan

Frank mansplaining LED invisibility suits to Connie on page 177.

The Invisible Man was a great film, by the by.

FancyShark

Truth

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Hahahaha

gellaho

Then they just ignore it

gellaho

gellaho

how dare you put that on the cover

FancyShark

How dare they exercise actual reasoning!

Joe headbutts explosions for fun!

gellaho

I guess they psychically know this ghost's name

FancyShark

Phantom Ford Coppola is so pissed he didn't get to tell them his name

gellaho

Joe's going to be seduced by a ghost

FancyShark

Joe starts licking the portrait

Gentleman Brendan

Joe, what i--

IT'S ECTOPLASM, ALRIGHT? JESUS, GET OUT OF MY ROOM

Green-eyed redheads are the bomb, though.

Do kids still say da bom? I dunno, she fleeks on extra, get off my lawn.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Simon Hawke agrees as long as they’re also voluptuous

gellaho

Callie is none too bright

Gentleman Brendan

I had a girlfriend go as Jessica Rabbit one Halloween. It was the best day of my life.

gellaho

He likes redheads and tiny, tough black haired women

Gentleman Brendan

I mean

gellaho

And gigantic black dudes

Gentleman Brendan

I ain't even gonna blame a guy.

FancyShark

So we're on the same page

Gentleman Brendan

Grow up in an Irish/Italian town and tell me he's wrong.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Yeah there’s a quorum here amongst us all I would think

But Hawke just needs you to know about it all the time

Gentleman Brendan

The mob despised his supplying them, so rather than shoot him upon delivery, they sent a sweltering guy down to the caribbean

gellaho

I don't know anything about Allistair, but he did it

FancyShark

They misunderstood "sweat it out of him"

Allistair is one trip to Gotham from being a Batman villain

gellaho

And he lives at the hotel? Definitely the culprit

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

That also feels like a weird way to spell that name

Alastair

Is what I would think

gellaho

There's a punk thief girl in his Wizard books that fits into the Raven mold

Gentleman Brendan

Alastair dragged on one of his hand-rolled cigarettes coolly. "Ah, yes, you've seen the ghost then, dear boy."

"I knew him, you know. In morocco."

the pink rolling paper crisped slowly in the hot air.

FancyShark

"Tell me. Did he say anything?"

gellaho

Lots of old hotel "residents"

Gentleman Brendan

"Did he perhaps mention..." An eyebrow waggled. "A location?"

This sounds like an A+ island to be a gigolo.

But maybe these guys ARE the gigolos, having survived the last of the lonely money

FancyShark

Gaines is clearly a vampire

gellaho

"Logan was in no way a person who has ever existed"

FancyShark

ALWAYS

gellaho

Glad to see that slender characters are back

gellaho

This must be written by the same ghost writer who wrote the Mexican one

FancyShark

"In fact, why did we bring them up?"

"Logan will be your red herring this adventure."

gellaho

You think she just saw a rat or what?

Gentleman Brendan

"Joe pounded the wall. It was torture--TORTURE!--to hear the Wilkersons at it again while his own girlfriend was atomized."

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Chapter 4:

Callie walked into the room, completely ok. “Nothing at all happened” she said

FancyShark

I too assume I'm dreaming if I hear something outside

gellaho

I was close

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Bahahaha

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The Wilkersons only want their privacy because they're trying to swing and the kids are getting in the way.

Gentleman Brendan

I had spider.

FancyShark

I had cockroach

Or creepy groundskeeper

gellaho

Snakes are famous for obeying human boundaries

Gentleman Brendan

Swinging on the honeymoon but going to the hotel full of leftovers from a Jean Rhys novel.

FancyShark

Uncle Gary hopes they like the complimentary snake he put in each room.

gellaho

They're going to swing somewhere else now

gellaho

They are going to this construction office because they saw a construction sign outside

They thought that was enough to go visit

FancyShark

Construction sites and mobsters? What are the odds!

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Callie realizes they're starting with their detective shit and has checked out.

Gentleman Brendan

They're on vacation, right?

There is zero call for them to start investigating construction companies so far.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

“Hey Jimmy, I’m here about a snake”

FancyShark

They're not allowed near actual tourist spots. Everyone's heard about the Museum of Science and Industry

Gentleman Brendan

My college pal's dad was president of the NYC carpenter's union and boy...at a certain point you have to take the bribes because the alternative is to get replaced with prejudice.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

"You're going investigating, Joe? Fine. Call me when you get your inevitable head injury."

gellaho

They heard a piano playing and when they went to see the piano there was nobody there

which I guess is enough to go bother somebody

Gentleman Brendan

Thus construction

FancyShark

That's just logic

gellaho

Hotel renovations are suspicious

FancyShark

Or an automated piano

Gentleman Brendan

"My name is Joe Hardy I'm 18 and I need to see all your records regarding the piano in the ballroom at the snake hotel this is my brother Joe don't mind him he always sulks and don't even think of exploding any computers."

Gentleman Brendan

If the piano is automated, it will explode.

gellaho

Very real names for very real people

FancyShark

"Somebody throw this punk in the mixer"

gellaho

They go to the construction company to ask history questions?

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Hahaha

FancyShark

haha

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

These guys literally build things, as in creating future history

Gentleman Brendan

DIDN'T I SAY

FancyShark

ALL of them about Wiley Reed?

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Obviously they know history

Gentleman Brendan

Joe punched everyone. Listen up when an AMERICAN is talking to you!

gellaho

"Why are you here?"

"I saw a snake"

gellaho

then they leave

FancyShark

"Why weren't you in the same room as your girlfriend?"

gellaho

I KNEW IT!

FancyShark

DUN DUN DUN

gellaho

Seduced. By. A. Ghost!

FancyShark

Joe fetches his drownin' gloves and runs down to the beach

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

UNFASTEN MY JEANS, WENCH

gellaho

And gone

FancyShark

It's okay. Joe was done anyway.

Gentleman Brendan

DIDN'T HE SAY

gellaho

In the morning, Joe meets Allistair on the beach painting

Gentleman Brendan

Allistair is way more ghostly than Millicent, TBH.

FancyShark

Yeah, Joe. You're better off asking the construction company about snakes

gellaho

Allistair conveniently saw the ghost five minutes ago

FancyShark

"I'm haunted by the spirits of those I couldn't save, Joe.

...

...

Joe?"

gellaho

Turns out it's just a real girl for Joe to perv on

FancyShark

"I'm sorry. I thought you were a corpse."

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Eh she seems 18, close enough for Joe!

gellaho

Slender

FancyShark

"Probably Legal" is Joe's favorite porn series

gellaho

Meanwhile, Frank kills his girlfriend

gellaho

She safely lands on a wooden trunk

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Of course

FancyShark

Oh right. The many, many sinkholes on Barbados

Gentleman Brendan

Actually age of consent laws in Barba---you know what let me sit right down

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Dixon relieves tension faster than Nora in a blo- you know what you guys get it

gellaho

Eventually they get around to looking in the trunk

Gentleman Brendan

The trap door is the railing.

Actually, OSHA laws in Barba--you know what

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Haha this is a frightening amount of knowledge about Barbados already

A formerly Spanish colony that was then conquered by the British in 18 oh god dammit

Gentleman Brendan

No editor said to them, "What if dese boyz visited da construction company AFTA dey tripped da railing lever/trap door?"

gellaho

Receipts! fascinating

Gentleman Brendan

Alphabetical shift code.

Callie was the Soze all along.

FancyShark

You're going to feel silly when it's revealed that all the snakes on Barbados are known to sabotage building foundations

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Now we just need to learn the Barbadian alphabet

gellaho

And tourism codes? What a delight for the senses

FancyShark

And she didn't rescind their license from people constantly disappearing?

Gentleman Brendan

I don't even believe there ARE snakes in Barbados

Well damn

gellaho

Yeah, St. Valentine kicked them out

Gentleman Brendan

They have goddamn adders

FancyShark

oh fuck

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

And Frank is about to introduce 🤨😎 subtractors

gellaho

Frank is aurally aroused

FancyShark

It was someone in his room that aroused him!

gellaho

He's back with a tommy gun

FancyShark

I hope that's not a euphemism

gellaho

how does he get out of this one?

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Chapter 6:

Frank shut his eyes and screamed. When he opened them, the Ghost gunman was gone and he had ectoplasm in his shorts

gellaho

Why even write this

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Hahaha

I got the first part but did not see the “beat Frank to death with a jammed gun” move coming

Gentleman Brendan

It jammed.

You fools.

You just weaponized Frank's rage.

FancyShark

This ghost sucks at haunting

gellaho

Frank is not a man in any sense. Anyway, KARATE

Gentleman Brendan

The explanation for this is going to ssssuuuuuuck

First off, it's Brady.

Second, they're going to say he wore a mirrored morph suit or something.

FancyShark

And the Wilkersons were his accomplices

They fucked up the snake assassination, so they ran

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

I’m going with “face covering printed with the Barbadian night sky so he blends in perfectly with the horizon”

gellaho

Joe goes strolling down the beach and interrogates Wilkerson for being in a boathouse

FancyShark

"Huh. And he left this bloody axe behind. I should run it over to him."

gellaho

Immediately runs into his slender crush who takes him sailing, for some reason

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Sup heather

gellaho

Then the sailboat explodes

gellaho

so that's Joe's explosion quota

FancyShark

Gouts of flame erupt from the front of the boat. "It's just kind of startling."

gellaho

And back to the shore. With Joe copping a feel

Gentleman Brendan

The Wilkersons are really the red herring we're going to pretend is strong?

gellaho

NEXT DAY

Gentleman Brendan

Women. They're always screaming at explosions/being exploded.

Damn computers.

Joe's turgid pants helped keep her torso above water.

gellaho

Frank, enjoying his time on vacation with his girlfriend

FancyShark

They have every book you could want. Wiley biographies, Wiley art books

gellaho

Allistair is definitely a vampire

FancyShark

Called it!

gellaho

I'm sure these two disappearing at the same time is a coincidence

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Its a common name, Frank.

FancyShark

What reason could someone have to drive people from their family's old home?

A family that made a fortune in secretive storehouses?

Gentleman Brendan

Every mystery in this book is 50+ years old

gellaho

MEANWHILE: At the boathouse, Joe finds Randolph Tyler shot in the head

gellaho

AND DEAD? That can't be right

FancyShark

<record scratch>

gellaho

Who's ever heard of being killed by a gunshot to the head

FancyShark

Pfft. Dude was a total puss

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

One of the prerequisites for being a Dixon ghostwriter is that you must be ignorant of the last 20 years.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

The odds that one of these newspapers explodes in the next few pages is pretty high

gellaho

Joe is getting wrecked

gellaho

And I am here for it

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Hahaha

FancyShark

The gunman's just skipping ahead to clobbering now

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Still hasn’t Unjammed that gun huh

Gentleman Brendan

You're probably wondering how I ended up here.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

“This here’s my clubbin’ gun now”

FancyShark

"It happens to every guy sometimes!"

gellaho

Frank decides to save a corpse rather than his brother

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

To be fair I’d make the same call

Gentleman Brendan

...no, Frank, you should save the living.

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

The ghost grabbed the Tommy gun from a museum and didn't realize it wasn't functional.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

Even the Hardy’s know the Hardy’s suck

Gentleman Brendan

ONLY DEATH SHALL SAVE YOU

gellaho

That boathouse riptide is a bitch

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Is this Joe's first concussion of the book?

FancyShark

I think so

gellaho

Frank and Joe are tied at one a piece

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

In that case I will finish my beer.

FancyShark

Also, just stand up Frank. You're in like 3ft deep water

Gentleman Brendan

But the undertow

gellaho

I have no idea what is happening

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Also that seems like a bad place for a boathouse. Launching a boat in a riptide sounds like a pain in the ass.

che jakesy, sports revolutionary

There’s a current in the building?

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Oh, it's draining into a secret smuggling tunnel.

gellaho

Frank gets out and the editor misses a period

FancyShark

"I don't know how many miles Frank crawled, breathing in god-knows-what"

oh wait, he's out

Shark Puke Fetishist GDC

Did Frank just leave Joe for dead?

If so, smart.

FancyShark

First smart move in the book

Gentleman Brendan

This is the most intense situation the bros have ever been in.