This time I have randomly selected three books. Make your choice for which book you want to be read:
š“ļø #35 - The Dead Season
š #47 - Flight into Danger
š„ #96 - Against All Odds
Sports Liberation Army Gen. Javo
tough
problematic fox Djonin
Who let these assholes into an aircraft
Itās like watching Drake and Josh pilot an aircraft carrier
FancyShark
An aircraft is basically a flying computer. Which means it is doomed.
gellaho
The people have spoken, and this Friday, 5pm eastern, we will be reading The Hardy Boys Casefiles (tm) #35: The Dead Season. Frank & Joe are going on a Caribbean vacation and full Scooby Doo. Frank is both Fred & Velma, while Joe is a half-eaten sandwich that a ghost has stolen from Scooby and Shaggy.
gellaho
gellaho
@Brockway if you don't want a ghostly gangster taking out a hit on you, see, pin this
FancyShark
Trap doors are part of the spirit world?
gellaho
It's part of the long held beliefs of the Caribbean Threshold Worshippers
FancyShark
"Ghosts can get through the Phantom Screen Door. We must enact the Installation of the Celestial Storm Window!"
FancyShark
@Gentleman Brendan , you gonna be able to join us for Hardy Boys vs Ghosts?
Gentleman Brendan
Oh shnerk is it Friday?
I've lost all sense of time because my life rules now.
FancyShark
yep!
lol, right on
Gentleman Brendan
If I get these outline edits back to my client in time.
gellaho
The ghost has a gun if that helps
Gentleman Brendan
Frank will die and Joe will have to guide his spirit back to his comatose body.
FancyShark
I hope the villain's plan requires a dwarf
gellaho
A tiny preview today
FancyShark
Zoinks!
Gentleman Brendan
And a coffin full of Romanian soil
gellaho
This takes place in Barbados. I'm sure there will be nothing culturally insensitive
Gentleman Brendan
100% the Barbadians will be written as Jamaican.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āEyy mon, dis be Ice from Barbaaadosā
Gentleman Brendan
"Conch?" Joe wrinkled his nose. "I don't eat giant sea snails."
FancyShark
"Bwanos deeyas, seenyor. I ahm Barbados seeteezen."
"Joe, shut the fuck up"
@Gentleman Brendan , you missed such a brainfuck of a novel last week
There was no story
Gentleman Brendan
i bet Frank gets his hair braided and beaded.
gellaho
The Hardys can't get a cab in this town
FancyShark
Joe immediately launches into a tirade about government freeloaders
John
Lazy foreigners.
Joe, they live here. Weāre the foreigners.
Maybe we should take it back, then.
Ughh...
Gentleman Brendan
Joe could have a miserable time at the Blowjob Factory.
gellaho
You know, high schoolers always traveling internationally alone
FancyShark
"Seriously, Joe. Cheer the fuck up."
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
gellaho
I'm sure he loves being the third wheel at his brother's girlfriend's cousin's hotel
Gentleman Brendan
is this the gf who blew up?
Gentleman Brendan
What happened?
gellaho
Joe's girlfriend exploded
FancyShark
NOTHING!
gellaho
Frank has this girlfriend for all the books
gellaho
An evil wizard started talking to Simon Hawke
FancyShark
A nerd wouldn't fuck his hot wife, thought he made a time machine, went to a fantasy world, and lectured people on how to make basic items for their home
gellaho
Joe, completely familiar with cab fares
FancyShark
There was no actual story. Just pages of jokes and detailed explanations of random garbage
gellaho
Terrible, terrible meta humor
Gentleman Brendan
Wait till Joe finds out cabs charge per passenger not destination.
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
Wait what?
FancyShark
To give you an idea of what a bargain the Hardys are getting, here is a Google map shot of Barbados
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
Ive learned something very important right now?
gellaho
G-g-ghosts
FancyShark
Jinkies
Also, how many people have to disappear to get a legend going but not an investigation?
Gentleman Brendan
I haven't been to Barbados but that's been my experience around the Caribbean
gellaho
Straight Scooby-Doo
FancyShark
Curses. I used up my Scooby quotes already
Gentleman Brendan
...Is Wiley Reed the irishman from The Big Sleep?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh shit someone disappeared when Nora was 21 years old and motorcars were barely invented, that must mean ghosts
Metal Sheepdog, Killology PhD
That's good to know, although I've learned to negotiate the fare before I go in the cab in most of the countries
gellaho
I bet this isn't important
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Also which colonial oppressor named all this shit
FancyShark
"He went mad, skinned a bunch of people, hung their bodies from the trees. If you look over there, you can see the beach!"
gellaho
Oh, we're starting already
FancyShark
This is a prank the driver pulls on every customer
He dreams of owning a theme park
gellaho
FUCK YOU
Gentleman Brendan
Frank mansplaining LED invisibility suits to Connie on page 177.
The Invisible Man was a great film, by the by.
FancyShark
Truth
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahahaha
gellaho
Then they just ignore it
gellaho
gellaho
how dare you put that on the cover
FancyShark
How dare they exercise actual reasoning!
Joe headbutts explosions for fun!
gellaho
I guess they psychically know this ghost's name
FancyShark
Phantom Ford Coppola is so pissed he didn't get to tell them his name
gellaho
Joe's going to be seduced by a ghost
FancyShark
Joe starts licking the portrait
Gentleman Brendan
Joe, what i--
IT'S ECTOPLASM, ALRIGHT? JESUS, GET OUT OF MY ROOM
Green-eyed redheads are the bomb, though.
Do kids still say da bom? I dunno, she fleeks on extra, get off my lawn.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Simon Hawke agrees as long as theyāre also voluptuous
gellaho
Callie is none too bright
Gentleman Brendan
I had a girlfriend go as Jessica Rabbit one Halloween. It was the best day of my life.
gellaho
He likes redheads and tiny, tough black haired women
Gentleman Brendan
I mean
gellaho
And gigantic black dudes
Gentleman Brendan
I ain't even gonna blame a guy.
FancyShark
So we're on the same page
Gentleman Brendan
Grow up in an Irish/Italian town and tell me he's wrong.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Yeah thereās a quorum here amongst us all I would think
But Hawke just needs you to know about it all the time
Gentleman Brendan
The mob despised his supplying them, so rather than shoot him upon delivery, they sent a sweltering guy down to the caribbean
gellaho
I don't know anything about Allistair, but he did it
FancyShark
They misunderstood "sweat it out of him"
Allistair is one trip to Gotham from being a Batman villain
gellaho
And he lives at the hotel? Definitely the culprit
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
That also feels like a weird way to spell that name
Alastair
Is what I would think
gellaho
There's a punk thief girl in his Wizard books that fits into the Raven mold
Gentleman Brendan
Alastair dragged on one of his hand-rolled cigarettes coolly. "Ah, yes, you've seen the ghost then, dear boy."
"I knew him, you know. In morocco."
the pink rolling paper crisped slowly in the hot air.
FancyShark
"Tell me. Did he say anything?"
gellaho
Lots of old hotel "residents"
Gentleman Brendan
"Did he perhaps mention..." An eyebrow waggled. "A location?"
This sounds like an A+ island to be a gigolo.
But maybe these guys ARE the gigolos, having survived the last of the lonely money
FancyShark
Gaines is clearly a vampire
gellaho
"Logan was in no way a person who has ever existed"
FancyShark
ALWAYS
gellaho
Glad to see that slender characters are back
gellaho
This must be written by the same ghost writer who wrote the Mexican one
FancyShark
"In fact, why did we bring them up?"
"Logan will be your red herring this adventure."
gellaho
You think she just saw a rat or what?
Gentleman Brendan
"Joe pounded the wall. It was torture--TORTURE!--to hear the Wilkersons at it again while his own girlfriend was atomized."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Chapter 4:
Callie walked into the room, completely ok. āNothing at all happenedā she said
FancyShark
I too assume I'm dreaming if I hear something outside
gellaho
I was close
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Bahahaha
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The Wilkersons only want their privacy because they're trying to swing and the kids are getting in the way.
Gentleman Brendan
I had spider.
FancyShark
I had cockroach
Or creepy groundskeeper
gellaho
Snakes are famous for obeying human boundaries
Gentleman Brendan
Swinging on the honeymoon but going to the hotel full of leftovers from a Jean Rhys novel.
FancyShark
Uncle Gary hopes they like the complimentary snake he put in each room.
gellaho
They're going to swing somewhere else now
gellaho
They are going to this construction office because they saw a construction sign outside
They thought that was enough to go visit
FancyShark
Construction sites and mobsters? What are the odds!
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Callie realizes they're starting with their detective shit and has checked out.
Gentleman Brendan
They're on vacation, right?
There is zero call for them to start investigating construction companies so far.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āHey Jimmy, Iām here about a snakeā
FancyShark
They're not allowed near actual tourist spots. Everyone's heard about the Museum of Science and Industry
Gentleman Brendan
My college pal's dad was president of the NYC carpenter's union and boy...at a certain point you have to take the bribes because the alternative is to get replaced with prejudice.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"You're going investigating, Joe? Fine. Call me when you get your inevitable head injury."
gellaho
They heard a piano playing and when they went to see the piano there was nobody there
which I guess is enough to go bother somebody
Gentleman Brendan
Thus construction
FancyShark
That's just logic
gellaho
Hotel renovations are suspicious
FancyShark
Or an automated piano
Gentleman Brendan
"My name is Joe Hardy I'm 18 and I need to see all your records regarding the piano in the ballroom at the snake hotel this is my brother Joe don't mind him he always sulks and don't even think of exploding any computers."
Gentleman Brendan
If the piano is automated, it will explode.
gellaho
Very real names for very real people
FancyShark
"Somebody throw this punk in the mixer"
gellaho
They go to the construction company to ask history questions?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
FancyShark
haha
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
These guys literally build things, as in creating future history
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T I SAY
FancyShark
ALL of them about Wiley Reed?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Obviously they know history
Gentleman Brendan
Joe punched everyone. Listen up when an AMERICAN is talking to you!
gellaho
"Why are you here?"
"I saw a snake"
gellaho
then they leave
FancyShark
"Why weren't you in the same room as your girlfriend?"
gellaho
I KNEW IT!
FancyShark
DUN DUN DUN
gellaho
Seduced. By. A. Ghost!
FancyShark
Joe fetches his drownin' gloves and runs down to the beach
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
UNFASTEN MY JEANS, WENCH
gellaho
And gone
FancyShark
It's okay. Joe was done anyway.
Gentleman Brendan
DIDN'T HE SAY
gellaho
In the morning, Joe meets Allistair on the beach painting
Gentleman Brendan
Allistair is way more ghostly than Millicent, TBH.
FancyShark
Yeah, Joe. You're better off asking the construction company about snakes
gellaho
Allistair conveniently saw the ghost five minutes ago
FancyShark
"I'm haunted by the spirits of those I couldn't save, Joe.
...
...
Joe?"
gellaho
Turns out it's just a real girl for Joe to perv on
FancyShark
"I'm sorry. I thought you were a corpse."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Eh she seems 18, close enough for Joe!
gellaho
Slender
FancyShark
"Probably Legal" is Joe's favorite porn series
gellaho
Meanwhile, Frank kills his girlfriend
gellaho
She safely lands on a wooden trunk
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Of course
FancyShark
Oh right. The many, many sinkholes on Barbados
Gentleman Brendan
Actually age of consent laws in Barba---you know what let me sit right down
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Dixon relieves tension faster than Nora in a blo- you know what you guys get it
gellaho
Eventually they get around to looking in the trunk
Gentleman Brendan
The trap door is the railing.
Actually, OSHA laws in Barba--you know what
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Haha this is a frightening amount of knowledge about Barbados already
A formerly Spanish colony that was then conquered by the British in 18 oh god dammit
Gentleman Brendan
No editor said to them, "What if dese boyz visited da construction company AFTA dey tripped da railing lever/trap door?"
gellaho
Receipts! fascinating
Gentleman Brendan
Alphabetical shift code.
Callie was the Soze all along.
FancyShark
You're going to feel silly when it's revealed that all the snakes on Barbados are known to sabotage building foundations
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Now we just need to learn the Barbadian alphabet
gellaho
And tourism codes? What a delight for the senses
FancyShark
And she didn't rescind their license from people constantly disappearing?
Gentleman Brendan
I don't even believe there ARE snakes in Barbados
Well damn
gellaho
Yeah, St. Valentine kicked them out
Gentleman Brendan
They have goddamn adders
FancyShark
oh fuck
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
And Frank is about to introduce š¤Øš subtractors
gellaho
Frank is aurally aroused
FancyShark
It was someone in his room that aroused him!
gellaho
He's back with a tommy gun
FancyShark
I hope that's not a euphemism
gellaho
how does he get out of this one?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Chapter 6:
Frank shut his eyes and screamed. When he opened them, the Ghost gunman was gone and he had ectoplasm in his shorts
gellaho
Why even write this
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
I got the first part but did not see the ābeat Frank to death with a jammed gunā move coming
Gentleman Brendan
It jammed.
You fools.
You just weaponized Frank's rage.
FancyShark
This ghost sucks at haunting
gellaho
Frank is not a man in any sense. Anyway, KARATE
Gentleman Brendan
The explanation for this is going to ssssuuuuuuck
First off, it's Brady.
Second, they're going to say he wore a mirrored morph suit or something.
FancyShark
And the Wilkersons were his accomplices
They fucked up the snake assassination, so they ran
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Iām going with āface covering printed with the Barbadian night sky so he blends in perfectly with the horizonā
gellaho
Joe goes strolling down the beach and interrogates Wilkerson for being in a boathouse
FancyShark
"Huh. And he left this bloody axe behind. I should run it over to him."
gellaho
Immediately runs into his slender crush who takes him sailing, for some reason
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Sup heather
gellaho
Then the sailboat explodes
gellaho
so that's Joe's explosion quota
FancyShark
Gouts of flame erupt from the front of the boat. "It's just kind of startling."
gellaho
And back to the shore. With Joe copping a feel
Gentleman Brendan
The Wilkersons are really the red herring we're going to pretend is strong?
gellaho
NEXT DAY
Gentleman Brendan
Women. They're always screaming at explosions/being exploded.
Damn computers.
Joe's turgid pants helped keep her torso above water.
gellaho
Frank, enjoying his time on vacation with his girlfriend
FancyShark
They have every book you could want. Wiley biographies, Wiley art books
gellaho
Allistair is definitely a vampire
FancyShark
Called it!
gellaho
I'm sure these two disappearing at the same time is a coincidence
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Its a common name, Frank.
FancyShark
What reason could someone have to drive people from their family's old home?
A family that made a fortune in secretive storehouses?
Gentleman Brendan
Every mystery in this book is 50+ years old
gellaho
MEANWHILE: At the boathouse, Joe finds Randolph Tyler shot in the head
gellaho
AND DEAD? That can't be right
FancyShark
<record scratch>
gellaho
Who's ever heard of being killed by a gunshot to the head
FancyShark
Pfft. Dude was a total puss
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
One of the prerequisites for being a Dixon ghostwriter is that you must be ignorant of the last 20 years.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The odds that one of these newspapers explodes in the next few pages is pretty high
gellaho
Joe is getting wrecked
gellaho
And I am here for it
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
FancyShark
The gunman's just skipping ahead to clobbering now
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Still hasnāt Unjammed that gun huh
Gentleman Brendan
You're probably wondering how I ended up here.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āThis hereās my clubbinā gun nowā
FancyShark
"It happens to every guy sometimes!"
gellaho
Frank decides to save a corpse rather than his brother
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
To be fair Iād make the same call
Gentleman Brendan
...no, Frank, you should save the living.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The ghost grabbed the Tommy gun from a museum and didn't realize it wasn't functional.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Even the Hardyās know the Hardyās suck
Gentleman Brendan
ONLY DEATH SHALL SAVE YOU
gellaho
That boathouse riptide is a bitch
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Is this Joe's first concussion of the book?
FancyShark
I think so
gellaho
Frank and Joe are tied at one a piece
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
In that case I will finish my beer.
FancyShark
Also, just stand up Frank. You're in like 3ft deep water
Gentleman Brendan
But the undertow
gellaho
I have no idea what is happening
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Also that seems like a bad place for a boathouse. Launching a boat in a riptide sounds like a pain in the ass.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Thereās a current in the building?
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh, it's draining into a secret smuggling tunnel.
gellaho
Frank gets out and the editor misses a period
FancyShark
"I don't know how many miles Frank crawled, breathing in god-knows-what"
oh wait, he's out
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Did Frank just leave Joe for dead?
If so, smart.
FancyShark
First smart move in the book
Gentleman Brendan
This is the most intense situation the bros have ever been in.
gellaho
"He's a strong boy, he can fight poseidon's seas!"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
No one would blame you, Frank.
Gentleman Brendan
Now we know why so many people disappear.
gellaho
SLENDER
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Also respect the sergeant's lack of concern for Joe.
FancyShark
"Sure, white boy. We'll get right on that."
gellaho
They're all so... young and slender
FancyShark
sssssllllllender
It even feels naughty
gellaho
"That's not a problem is it?"
Gentleman Brendan
Your brother is probably fine. Even if dead, certainly no dumber.
FancyShark
"In fact, we should have been annihilated by water years ago"
Gentleman Brendan
Picture Joe up to his chest, throwing haymakers at the sea.
FancyShark
"Marco Polo this"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Taking log after log of driftwood straight to the skull.
gellaho
For hours
gellaho
Also, this editor is really asleep at the wheel
Gentleman Brendan
The book undermines the ghost thing on page 20
gellaho
How are the tunnels not flooded?
FancyShark
"It was getting sexy, but neither would admit it"
FancyShark
Uh...snakes!
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is the Dean Winchester of this series
FancyShark
holy shit, yes
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
There's a locked room in the hotel that occasionally sounds like sump pumps but no one has bothered to open the door or thinks very much about it.
Gentleman Brendan
My family has run this hotel five generations, but we never go into Basement C
gellaho
Joe turning on his bat superpowers
John
They're too busy draining the boathouse every day to check the whole building.
FancyShark
We saw a possum down there the one time we looked. We ain't messing with that.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Joeās used to ādraining the boathouseā in the dark too
FancyShark
"Wiley was a smart man. He was almost...something. Joe couldn't think of the word."
gellaho
"Joe knew he could take an injured man"
FancyShark
Killer? This guy as flubbed every opportunity to murder you
Oh wait. The shot guy
gellaho
yeah, that guy
The random construction man
John
Joe, colossal idiot, falls for another trap.
gellaho
How d'ya guess
FancyShark
hahahaha
John
You all owe me $5
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Iāve had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking island
FancyShark
The snake can't believe that trap worked.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Oh shit wait
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
"I can't believe he fell for that!" Said the ghost.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The Adders are Multiplying
Give me your boos cowards!
FancyShark
Don't be so Divisive
gellaho
MEANWHILE: Frank breaks into a man's hotel room
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
All tattoos are prison tattoos
FancyShark
I regret nothing!
gellaho
And Frank's well-known knowledge of prison trends pays off
FancyShark
Cons: They Scare People For Money
Gentleman Brendan
Not in the '80s.
John
Frank's like someone who listens to too many true crime podcasts. Buddy, this is more than just an idle hobby.
FancyShark
wait, shit, that actually is something people do
gellaho
I'm pretty sure this is supposed to be contemporary with 1990
Gentleman Brendan
So the ghost got killed by a snake and people blamed Joe?
gellaho
How old is this "old-time bootlegger"
Gentleman Brendan
His cellmate was Red from Shawshank.
They were lovers.
gellaho
Joe sneaks past a snake
FancyShark
The snake has the advantage in brain size
Gentleman Brendan
The snake can see in UV, Joe.
FancyShark
It's just amused at your fumbling
gellaho
Gasp
FancyShark
Joe immediately tackled her and began pummeling
gellaho
Oh, ok
Gentleman Brendan
It could absolutely be Heather and she is also the gunman
"Joe punched Heather's bra off as they embraced."
FancyShark
Christ, commit to something, Dixon!
gellaho
I don't know, this seems like Joe's natural state
FancyShark
The ocean is waiting to ambush him in his room
"Round 2, asshole!"
Gentleman Brendan
Confused is redundant
gellaho
"Your American Detective novels. Certainly the nation best known for mysteries."
gellaho
"As we know, the most well known fictional detective is American"
FancyShark
"Is that right? I ask because I don't know all of your cliches."
Gentleman Brendan
Sherlock Marlowe.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Stop trying to be meta, Dixon.
gellaho
Joe decides to go see Heather. And then
gellaho
the most improbable thing
FancyShark
Again, the ghost can only laugh at the idea the trap worked
Gentleman Brendan
someone counted on Joe leaving via window vine
FancyShark
I want this author to go totally left field and have the culprit be an angry squirrel in the tree
gellaho
Good ol' drain clamps
FancyShark
What floor was he on? The twelfth?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Not spooky enough. The 13th!
OoOoOoO
gellaho
It's obviously 500 ft up
FancyShark
Yes, Joe. They "sabotaged" the growth on the side of their hotel
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lol
āOh no deadly trapā
He easily avoided it
gellaho
Careful, ghostwriter
Gentleman Brendan
The door was opened by heather.
FancyShark
A+ grammar. No notes.
Gentleman Brendan
If you ever get confused about why passive speech sucks 90% of the time.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Passive ghostwriter
Passively writing about ghosts
Wait is the twist going to be that an actual ghost wrote this
gellaho
Such a long story, we aren't going to include it
FancyShark
"Dice game. The End."
gellaho
How does this qualify as a long story
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
It took a long time for him to die in prison
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh, was he Tattoo Guy's cellmate?
FancyShark
She explained every form they filed.
gellaho
I don't think the government can revoke your license because of "appearances"
Gentleman Brendan
Wait so Jamison bonked the bookkeeping and then kept the property?
gellaho
He died in prison, so I don't think so
The government took it
FancyShark
The perfect crime!
Gentleman Brendan
I'm no Barbadian lawyer, but revocation of license seems like it should be tied to owner culpability.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āYou canāt take my licenseā
āYes we canā
āNoā
āOk two days from nowā
Gentleman Brendan
If you serve an underage teen and he kills someone, okay. If some drunk gets stabby, that's just life in Queens, man.
God, I miss living in Queens.
gellaho
Listen, there was a murder here so we are revoking your license due to "bad vibes"
Gentleman Brendan
The best food, the cheapest happy hours.
Joe: "You're going to do HARD TIME. ISLAND HARD TIME."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
This made me spit out my water
gellaho
Joe really is the best at spotting shiny objects
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āISLAND HARD TIME MONā air horns blasting
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
In my experience, when someone gets murdered at a bar, it just closes because people are scared to go there anymore.
gellaho
Joe also enjoys jangling keys and peek-a-boo
FancyShark
Oh shit. Big Lenny's the killer. Because they did it
For the Gaines
gellaho
Suddenly, drive-by
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āI FINALLY CLEANED MY GUN, FUCKOS!!!ā
Gentleman Brendan
I'm upset this wasn't from a boat
gellaho
This is maybe the worst description I've ever seen
gellaho
What do you mean "slid past?"
rock-like, you know, like glass
Gentleman Brendan
So was he grazed or not?
FancyShark
Bullet just kinda skootched past his face
Gentleman Brendan
Bullet time, in prose.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That's a weird thing for a bullet to do
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āOpe, just gonna squeeze by hereā
FancyShark
"Oh golly there, pal. Don't mind me."
gellaho
He's fine
FancyShark
Also, that's the exact thing windshields aren't supposed to do
Gentleman Brendan
shatter into blocks? Safety glass.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Big ocular pat down vibes from Frank here
gellaho
Actually Frank, no
No you can't
FancyShark
It's a big seller on Amazon
Gentleman Brendan
Goddamn, Barbados is on some 007 shit.
I defy the assertion there are Radio Shacks in Barbados.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Are we sure the ghost man just isnāt driving around in an invisible Aston Martin?
gellaho
Gaines has left the hotel
FancyShark
"Also, people are getting murdered there."
gellaho
The fuck is this shit
Gentleman Brendan
Gaines is my favorite character, greasy blonde locks and all.
FancyShark
Dude's got style, and he's completely chill about his crush being a ghost
gellaho
The owners of the hotel decide to have a "losing our license" party
gellaho
It ends as well as expected
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
THE INSURANCE MONEY
FancyShark
"Why? Why couldn't it happen during one of our many, many floods?"
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
That inspector is confused how every time she gives a place 2 days before she revokes their license, the place always burns down.
gellaho
During the fire fighting, the ghost decides to flamboyantly run away
FancyShark
Dipshit didn't even aim at Joe
gellaho
he literally just announced himself
nobody thought he was there
FancyShark
Diversion!
dr
Yeah, for anyone with half a brain thatās either a distraction or a trap
gellaho
Joe and Logan chase after the ghost to the boathouse. During a storm. Again.
FancyShark
Look, the seventh or eighth try has to produce different results, okay?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wow Logan is whiny as shit
gellaho
JEWELS
FancyShark
He was not in the top bunk in prison
FancyShark
"You mean the jewels very obviously worn by Allistair?"
gellaho
A job? MY ONLY HOPE WAS PLAY PIANO TO LURE OUT A GHOST FOR ITS JEWELS!
FancyShark
Some hearts can't be tamed, Logan
gellaho
RIP
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Stomps feet and pouts āWhy does WILEY always get to stay up late!?ā
Gentleman Brendan
the penitentiary had a piano and also a LOT of garroting
The sea is coming for Joe, as it comes for all rock.
FancyShark
"Let us finish this dance, Joe Hardy"
gellaho
I wonder if this place had been visited in 60 years
gellaho
Also, get fucked Logan
Joe found it on accident
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
EAT SHIT, YOU FUCK
Gentleman Brendan
Joe has TWICE tripped railing levers.
FancyShark
Wiley's love for the Showcase Showdown reveal would lead to a man's demise
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
I'd like to know how they decided to make the secret lever the thing that is designed for people to lean on.
dr
I wish there was a paragraph where he weighs getting help for the man currently drowning against checking out this suspicious room
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Eh that guy was a whiny lil bitch, fuck em
Thereās treasure to be found
Gentleman Brendan
The 1920s rum runners needed a LITTLE excitement of exposure.
So is Heather avenging her grandma or what?
FancyShark
I think she's protecting Gaines from the mob
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Sheās too busy being both sultry and barely legal
gellaho
Wait, how long has it been?
gellaho
I wish he'd be more clear on how many years it's been
FancyShark
Frank was here yesterday
gellaho
The great match crisis
dr
If Iām chasing a man that mysteriously vanishes and then I find a secret door, Iām not assuming that place is empty.
gellaho
This is like the fourth different hidden tunnel system
Barbados is apparently hollow
FancyShark
At least the cavern kept the torch in working condition
gellaho
Who could care
FancyShark
That's not a double entendre! Sink it!
gellaho
BUT HOW MANY YEARS HAS IT BEEN!?
FancyShark
There's no way that boat isn't teeming with spiders
Gentleman Brendan
Reminder that this book occurs less than half as far back as the contents of this book occur from the publication of this book.
dr
Head out to sea! Maritime law has no way to charge you for the negligent death of the man probably still drowning
Gentleman Brendan
Joe became a pirate. An angry pirate.
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Not if you can make it to international waters fast enough.
FancyShark
"Joe?! <gasp> J-joe! <gurgle>"
gellaho
Spoooooooky skeleton
gellaho
FancyShark
"You're not a woman, are you? I hate those."
gellaho
So Joe sees a jewel Millicent used to have. Therefore, it's Wiley
gellaho
Wut
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Spooky, slender skeleton.
Gentleman Brendan
Joe eyeballed the pelvic tilt balefully.
FancyShark
"So, Wiley. I've caught you at last."
gellaho
Guns are hard
FancyShark
"Dammit! I even cleaned it beforehand!"
Gentleman Brendan
Joe is the Teflon Moron.
gellaho
I don't really understand what is going on
gellaho
It's like fucking video game logic
in and out of secret tunnels
Gentleman Brendan
How deep does Barbados go?
dr
āHEY GUNMAN if youāre quick you can probably still put a round or two into Logan before he diesā
gellaho
And they all end up at the hotel
gellaho
This hotel can't have any foundation
it has to be floating on air
FancyShark
They have to distribute guests to different rooms by weight
gellaho
Checks out
Gentleman Brendan
Hear me out.
The tunnels are waxed leather. The hotel floats.
The ghost is pretending to be a ghost to the man who shattered his bridgework on a dresser
FancyShark
Hey, Ghost? You can shoot them. Really. They're not moving.
gellaho
It's gotta be embarrassing to be smaller than a 17 year old
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
But first, let me tell you my secret plan!
gellaho
I would never know
Gentleman Brendan
Not if you're Heather.
FancyShark
<gasp> DWARF?!
Gentleman Brendan
I know it's Heather because Joe can't ever find lasting love.
FancyShark
Dammit. That makes more sense
gellaho
Gasp
Gentleman Brendan
WHAAAAAAT
gellaho
You fool, it is a tiny man with Heather
Gentleman Brendan
she was in on it but NOT the ghost
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
šµHold me closer tiny Heatheršµ
FancyShark
Don't play with my heart, Dixon! IS HE AN EVIL DWARF
gellaho
so the gunman and heather run away
FancyShark
Damn you, Dixoooooooon!
gellaho
I don't know what's going on
FancyShark
Oh hey, it's the construction guy. Brendan called it both ways
gellaho
There's another skeleton?
Am I reading this right?
But the gunman's not a skeleton, so I don't understand why it says "another skeleton"
FancyShark
I think the other skeleton is the gunman's ancestor? Or Millicent
gellaho
Oh, that's old man Jamison's skeleton
gellaho
That's also there. For some reason
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Lots of beating people with guns
FancyShark
DID HE CLEAN THE GUN?
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
And then everyone has the aim of a stormtrooper
dr
Itās one of those novelty guns with the BANG flag
gellaho
More bullet grazing
FancyShark
Bullets were expensive back in the...90s?
God, he's a terrible shot
Remember, that was point blank
Gentleman Brendan
Contractors are used to wasting materials to upcharge.
gellaho
This makes no sense
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
āThat quote was š before labor and feesā
gellaho
And what was Logan up to? Our ghostwriter gives us a shrug
Gentleman Brendan
O&P x 1.6%
FancyShark
Yes, Callie. Very sad. Also stupid.
gellaho
Sure, whatever
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The whiskey guy?
gellaho
This is piss-poor
FancyShark
Ballsy
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Hahaha
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Oh right, there was another woman.
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
So they donāt actually know anything, as usual, and have resorted to blind guesses
I need a drink
FancyShark
Evidence is for squares
gellaho
Wait, this goes back sixty years? Why didn't you mention that?
FancyShark
Dixon's lost control. He's just throwing words at the wall.
gellaho
The rec center is saved!
FancyShark
Back up. The rubies are now diamonds?
gellaho
There were also diamonds
Don't worry about it
Gentleman Brendan
We're upholding the hotel license loss in light of all this?
gellaho
No time to think about that, it's on to the next case
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Sergeant Twink is like yeah, we're corrupt as shit here.
FancyShark
"I think I SAID, wink, We Can Intercede, wink, ON YOUR BEHALF, wink, wink"
Gentleman Brendan
Dad is Jonas Venture.
John
"The mad bomber struck again. Luckily one of my sons knows an unsettling amount about bomb-making and the other is immune to explosions. I'm a very good dad."
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Now get home so I can benefit from more dangerous, sweet child labor
FancyShark
It wasn't actually their dad. The cops just faked the call to make them leave.
gellaho
We have defeated The Hardy Boys: Casefiles (tm) #35: The Dead Season
John
Thanks @gellaho
FancyShark
Yeah. Thanks again @gellaho !
gellaho
I gotta tell you, this book did not hold up well to being read
FancyShark
ooof
gellaho
This thing disintigrated
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
Wow what a battle
That one fought harder than most
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
Our collective withering scorn literally eroded the book.
FancyShark
You should talk to a construction company about how to repair it
gellaho
The cover like cracked
I can't describe it any other way
FancyShark
daaang
John
I've seen used books look like that before, but I always assumed some unsupervised kid with scissors got to them.
Gentleman Brendan
It was a long fight but it was a rewarding one.
FancyShark
Heck yeah
Gentleman Brendan
goodnight, Hardy boyz
che jakesy, sports revolutionary
The real fight was the friends we made along the way, once again
FancyShark
Have a good one, Brendan!
@gellaho , does the cover feel thicker than a normal cover? I'm still stumped on how it cracked
gellaho
It is like ancient parchment paper
gellaho
It almost self-perforates
FancyShark
wow
It must've been kept somewhere way too dry
For way too long
gellaho
I have books from the late sixties that are more structurally sound
FancyShark
Weird
gellaho
That concludes this edition of the book cage
Shark Puke Fetishist GDC
The prose of Dixon unnaturally ages the paper it's printed on.
gellaho
That was a good one, solidly stupid
FancyShark
I love it when the villain's plan is idiotic
I'm still waiting for one to eclipse the Halloween clone plot
gellaho
I don't know if that's ever going to happen. That was ludicrous
FancyShark
True. There's other books in the series that deal with the ASSASSINS terrorist group. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
Respect to the ghost writer of this last one for not embracing ugly stereotypes about non-Americans
