#9 Time Wars
The Book Cage: Episode 137
Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion
Simon Hawke is back baby, and he's getting small. Gulliver and his creator Jonathan Swift must deal with teeny Rambos and our time commando heroes must rise or shrink to the occasion. Plus, a plot twist you'll never see coming. Find out more, this Friday, 5pm eastern.
I'm in.
hahaha no really whats the book
like yeah we all like those dumb fake paperbook paradise books but lets be real here
Its the giant hand that gets me. I'm imagining it's about two tiny Stallone action figures brought to life for vengeance against the dolphins who wronged a very spiritual marine biologist.
I was on the fence, but then I saw the glowing review from the creator of the "Horse Clans" series and I'm in
never mind, I just googled "Horse Clans" and it's 75% less interesting than I had hoped.
Coming up on the hour, it's Time Wars #9: The Lilliput Legion. Here is your preview
Yo! FancyShark will be skipping this week. He is 'eepy
Please tell EepyShark we will forgive and miss him
Speak for yourself
I'll just miss him
I'll continue to think he's here, but I won't forgive him
BOOK CAGE!
Put on your time travel shoes
We begin with a man getting high
Simon Hawke previews the surname of his next series
I accept no excuses
Oh Richard Steele
What shenanigans the world has in store for you
It is exceedingly strange to see Simon Hawke writing Steele in a non-Steele
The creative process at work
I hope this Steele is also a loose cannon who gets results
"Steele!" shouted Chief Hardesty, "I expect your next amusing essay on my desk immediately, or it's your badge!"
Fuck yes give Steele a laser hand and let's start a new war inside the time wars
Gulliver not taking the booze very well
He says ":sharkhug: "
"There was something main-charactery about him" Hawk wrote
He's missing out on British Steele. Not the Judas Priest album "British Steel," but a British version of Steele
"Give me your drunken compatriot. I'm trustworthy and definitely not a time traveler from the future"
Ass-prin
NO ONE IS SAFE
Oh, we're getting right into it
Damn
Usually this takes four or five chapters to go pants shittingly insane
There goes Alexander's eye
Killed by laser light show
Tiny men with lasers: 1
Everyone else: 0
And now, Gulliver is sent to the future unescorted
Huh
I'm glad someone had the good sense to flee the tiny men with lasers
800 years later, Andre has a nightmare about The Khyber Connection
Oh right the one where they met Churchill
This gives Simon space to summarize the previous books over several pages
I just did that
And where the main character got killed by his double from a parallel dimension
Well that got real violent real quick
Hi @Tom, Boy Detective (Retired) !
Simon Hawke muses on the nature of weaponry
For you see, time travel is a lot like a crossbow
Andre.
You want some plasma to sleep on
That alarm clock sounds like it sucks.
Hi @GDC !
So when do the miniature assassins play piano?
Hi @12" Rachel Silk !
I genuinely forgot Lucas was a character
As soon as Hawke comes up with a good joke about a 12 inch pianist.
Lucas Priest, disposable main character, is haunting Andre
Hi @rooster !
Meanwhile, General Forrester has discovered an organized crime ring within the Temporal Intelligence Agency
TIME CRIME
Known as "The Network." The Gray Man would never
Hawk, you could have just named this book Time Mafia
Network Affiliates, get it? It's very clever
The TIA has a section 31.
Simon could have put this list in ascending order of criminality, but why bother
How dare they rob the British East India Company!
Also it feels like this could be pretty easily solved by shooting these people
Just time travel behind them, shoot them, problem solved
Forrester seems to have become distracted from stopping his time supervillain son
Because crime is sexy and cool
I'm sure he won't come up again
✅ Redhead
Finn always helps with that
I'm sure Creed's not going to get any news at all.
What was the guy who got lasered called? Oh, right
But, before any news about his relative's demise, Creed has to reveal that he knew about this secret, centuries old crime organization and didn't tell anyone
Damn it Steiger
Is that because Simon didn't make it up until now? Who's to say
Yes
Yes it is
Oh, and apparently the part about Forrester and Creed talking about the crime organization was a flashback
Simon chose not to put any kind of page break to indicate that
No why would he
Creed's also in charge of the Internal Security Division for weeding out The Network, because he's been so trustworthy so far
That might as well happen, sure
Your brother's dead, drink up
"Tiny men with jet packs and lasers." Said Forrester, lighting a cigarette. "It was rad as fuck."
"His last words were 'this is the raddest anyone has ever died' and he was right."
Adorable lasers
"Puny pew pews"
A less than ideal family reunion
Ok here's the thing about including a time travel money laundering conspiracy that spans hundreds and hundreds of years in your story
It's terrible I hate it don't do it please
On his way out, someone tries to assassinate Creed
Not his lats!
It's like he heard you and decided to double down
Oh, and the guy's head exploded
But, the lats are far more important
Are Steigers late okay?
He must have used time travel to see my comment and then made the book even more annoying to spite me
Superficial, thankfully
Oh thank god
That was close
Everyone remember to hold your legs close tonight and tell them that you love them. You never know what could happen
Legs?
Velo doesn't fully understand our human musculature
(nor do I)
"You don't have to be so mean about it, jeez"
Like you don't have any emotional support limbs.
Any mention of the 20th century causes great excitement
They go to the 20th century all the time
Meanwhile, Gulliver first experiences the presence of the human female
A woman?!
Surely as a writer you eventually get bored of doing the "g-g-g-girl?!" Scene over and over again
Nah, the only people who go back in time are people fighting in the Time Wars. Or Time Commandos who prevent time crime
Or time criminals
Gulliver is frightened and reacts like a small bird
Wow Gulliver sure has traveled now
These travels of Gulliver's would make for a fascinating read, I bet
Shame the Time agency will wipe his memories and no prospective author will be able to interview him
No time, Time Crime is happening
Ah but we can just use time travel to give ourselves more time to read about his fascinating adventures
Andre has another hallucination of Lucas
"Stop asking about my Time Ghosts, Delaney."
It's "moisten," Simon! Moisten! Know your own writing style
Steele only comes out a year after this, come on
Turns out, Dr Darkness has brought Lucas Priest back to life
So, that's nice of Bob
Yeah, those things would probably do it
Dr Darkness is someone born for supervillainy.
Which of my 3 tragic backstories drove me to madness? I'm afraid, dear reader, that you may never know
Didn't he find out his mini nukes were just full nukes but most of the explosion was being shunted into another dimension?
They stole this bit for The Dark Knight.
That is what that passage says
Everyone steals from Simon Hawke
Anyway I'm glad the resurrection of Curtis has filled this gaping Curtis-shaped hole in my life. Anyway what's going on with the tiny laser warriors
His tragic backstory is he "accidentally" nuked another dimension over and over again
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
time crime
Oh Lucas
That was how long it took to forget his name
Oh, right. That is a thing that happened. See, Simon Hawke has a master plan
That one riff about Dr Darkness
(ignore that The Network came out of nowhere)
It's easy to resurrect anyone when you make up the rules as you're writing them
This is doctor who levels of "actually that clearly dead character is not dead at all"
Zip him out
That damned Churchill
That'll probably sort itself out, Darkness
Lucas's double having a hell of a death, first meets a double of his dead wife, then gets bayoneted by a copy of his best friend, then gets shot
I was wrong, this is the Sherlock season 2 fakeout death
Telempathic chronocircuitry
Can we shunt him into the dimension of perpetual explosions
And now Lucas Priest has time travel super powers
Dr Darkness should name everything
Taching off
"don't think about volcanoes, Lucas. Don't think about popping into existence directly above an active volcano. Don't think about it! Haha almost got you. Seriously though you could kill yourself with a thought at any moment "
Time to train my superpowers using hypnosis
Always embarrassing to accidentally tach yourself off while thinking about a female coworker
Hey how are those tiny men with lasers and jet packs doing?
Seems like Lucas could find out instantaneously just by thinking about them, but we're not doing that I guess
Are Steiger's lats still okay?
Meanwhile, the parallel double of Reese Hunter is hanging out in our dimension
Rude
Reese Hunter in our timeline was a time referee who defected to be a wizard hermit in the 12th century. He then brought Andre to Three Musketeers time, where he was swiftly killed
No, I actually think he'd be more alien if he was an alien. Sorry to bust your bubble Reese, I know you wanted to wax poetical but you speak the same language as these people
Anyway, he's enjoying 1989 New York City
"oh I'm sorry officer, I thought this was AMERICA," Reese is definitely yelling at a cop
Obviously I already knew that but thank you for explaining it to Tom
"Finally a timeline that isn't woke" Reese thinks to himself so we can all know he's the villain
He does some karate and time crime
TIME CRIME
the raddest crime
Look at this poor tragic figure, trapped and alone in a world that is completely unknowable to him
He cheats at the stocks and decides to live it up
Actually hang on yeah he's figured everything out immediately, he's just mad that the President's stupid testicles won't let him open carry
Simon really likes this time travel betting fraud idea
And now, he's an international criminal and in the Network
Which is so weird because it's the most obvious and least inspired time travel idea
TIME CRIME
The lilliputians are pissed
How many small men small are they
"boy this gambling thing would be a lot easier if I could see the outcome before I bet," said the World's Smartest Genius
I wonder what unit of measurement they use to describe their penises
"They had stuffed animal wives and children!"
I don't know why that was my first thought
I look forward to finding out they work with the time cartel
In the deceased brother's apartment, Lucas materializes
I dunno, would it be more funny to learn that they have nothing to do with time travel or future genetic science or anything? Maybe they're just a completely unrelated race of tiny angry people with lasers
I don't know who you are, mister
If Simon had fully developed into the Steele madman he was destined to become, Finn would have pulled that trigger by now
I want to celebrate the returning of lip moistening, but the context makes it awkward
"Steiger what happened to your lats?!"
Andre uses her dead brother to prove Lucas's identity
Jealous?
The time traveller has super powers
Brain Time Travelin' Lucas is much sassier
That's so much more personality than the original Lucas had
Andre has been in love with him this whole time, apparently
What
When
Why
Lucas you are not Harrison Ford, you do not get to say 'I know' in this situation
It's classic Simon Hawke getting bored of his own protagonists. Lucas was the main character in book 1, then he got bored so Andre took over in 2. By 4, he was bored again so Delaney took over, then Steiger became the main character in 7. And now he's cycles back to Lucas
Anyway, Ass-prin is back
This book started so strong
The lilliputians complain about McDonald's
Wow they are literally complaining about McDonald's
Apparently, some of them are still dying from that first attack
But forget that, Reese Hunter has a sexy lady friend so Simon can talk about LEEEEEGGGGSSS
Someone needs to get shot in the next couple pages
A high class, mafia prostitute
Otherwise we lose momentum
Some very sexy prop comedy
Turns out the sexy prop comedy was a trap
How the hell did he not see that coming
Krista isn't very subtle
Simon continuing his longstanding tradition of terrible made up Sicilian names
Hi @general beef's jakesy !
You missed Steele book-nerds
STEELE
Force of habit
Uh oh, looks like Drakov is alive
He do be doing that sometimes
JD Masters even makes an appearance in a future novel
I remember you telling me that
lol six inch commandos
I got yer 6 inch commando right here
What I didn't remember was Drakov dying in the last book, probably because it happened near the end and I was quite drunk. But turns out yes:
So now there is a Drakov clone
Double Drakov
This is a very complicated process of cloning yourself
All this and he didn't develop a plan that accounted for "if I stand still in front of my enemy I might get shot"
Oh, and they didn't kill Drakov in the last book, it was a clone
And he's in charge of the Lilliputians
Makes perfect sense
God damn it Simon
In 1989, hunter awakens to a smoothly styled sharpie
That sharpie is also a smoothie
Calling Manelli by his full name every time is also a Hawke tradition unlike any other
But nevermind that, Dr Darkness spooks Gulliver by appearing in a chair and complaining about the Japanese
Who? Do you mean Domenico Manelli?
The proto Victor Borodini
Dr Darkness proclaims himself to be Lucas's mother and father
Lucas responds with a teenage tantrum
Lucas has a point
If a tantrum isn't the correct way to handle this. He should shoot Dr. Darkness
Then he accidentally teleports away
Same, Gulliver
Meanwhile, a courier suspiciously comes for Forrester
The Forrester who knows he should be on the lookout for assassins? That Forrester?
Ok well stand there under armed guard while I call the council to confirm
Yes, that's why there's an armed guard there to check
Nah just kidding come right in!
Then we have the second eye-melting of the book
That brings the total to three for the series
The classic Trojan Briefcase
Fuckin tiny laser soldiers love to go for the eyes
Cardboard guards versus tiny commandos
Forrester decides the best thing for the situation is his .357 magnum
I mean that's some accuracy right there
It works surprisingly well, even when thrown
RIP Stroud
Forrester busts out the M-16
Why is Forrester's office full of antique guns
Shouldn't he have lasers
Why was he able to kill like 3 of them with a revolver
He's just that good
Was it forged with steel from the sword of Arthur Eld?
The M-16 is less effective, so he starts using it like a baseball bat
To be fair that would work a lot better
Bonk > Bam
Simple science
All in all, an ineffective assassination attempt
Just rub some dirt in it
How did they not kill Forrester when they were all buzzing around him firing their lasers as if he were trapped inside some glowing spider's web? Suddenly can't hit a target the size of a mountain?
I don't know if it's "suddenly," as you might recall 16 of them died fighting a guy using his body to protect Gulliver
Sick
Maybe all the eyeball melting gave me an inaccurate estimate of the lethality of tiny lasers
Also he's about to get drugged lol
And Steiger takes over for Forrester
Is the "very competent help" Lucas? Because I have terrible news about that
Lucas is so incompetent he died